Funny how blogger wont paste lyrics here, I was gonna post the lyrics to the sunny day real estate song i had in my head. Its called "one" off the rising tide (their last cd)
None of you know them so its ok.
but i do find it funny that i get songs in my head while im dreaming.
no access to my music connection. I havent listened to that cd in a year probably. the other songs I have gotten in my head today are "life aint so shitty" and "lemonade" by blind melon. both wonderful songs but as i ealier remarked to krystin it sucks when you try to sing songs that are very random (like lyric or musically) because everyone thinks you just suck, and they dont know that the song is random and awesome.

Im freezing. I spent the whole night tossing and turning in my bed (it might be the caffeine) I might have cut down enough to have it affect me. (still drinking it)
but then I just took a 2-3 hour nap.


Talked to my girl Illy on the phone today, with an echo that bothered the hell out of me. She sounds good, we are gonna go see her in a few weeks.

I need to ask templemen for an extension. Im thinking I will just tell him I get it in when I do, and he can cut my grade down if he wants but it will probably be no later than a week in to february. As we leave on the 6th
Im also considering telling my history teacher (one late assignment already) that she should just keep me from getting lower than a C and everything else will be cool.
shaking shaking

horrible news confirmed last night. dreams havent stopped. ability to do anything confirmed at practically zero. People have to make their own choices in life. The problem is certain things dont seem like a choice. happiness vs seeming unhappiness, who chooses the latter?
I cant help. I can only wait for help to be chosen.

sometimes I cant tell if im shaking cuz im cold or cuz im scared.




while walking home last night krystin said something like "apparently it rained again" and I said something like "yeah I think God just takes a big bucket of water and splashes it on scotland while no one is looking" this is the way of things.

you take care of yourself or all start freaking out again

I recently got the last cd At the drive in (one of my fav rock bands of all time) will proably ever put out, (cuz they broke up awhile ago) and formed some bands I really enjoy one of which being the mars volta who I love with probably equal affection (they cant really be compared though)
anyway the cd came with a bonus dvd of the three videos they put out
the first
One armed scissor is the video/song that made me like them in the first place and shortly after i gobbled up all the old cds i could find (i have all of them)
the video is taken from live concerts and shows the passion and energy of the band in full form, highlighting cedric the singer in his very animated (like me rocking out) dancing/screaming style. Its amazing
the second is one of my favorite videos of all time (others including pearl jam's do the evolution and Bjork's pagan poetry)
its for
Invalid litter dept. and is basically a propganda video bringing awareness to the crimes of juarez mexico (right by el paso where the band is from)
I cry almost every time I see this video, its incredibly sad, but whats more its disgusting, its incredibly terrifying that this is a real thing.
so that by the end of the video when cedric is screaming you want to be right there with him.

the third is off an earlier cd called vaya,
its for a song called metronome arthritis, and is not exceptionally good, it reminds me a bit of Sparta's cut your ribbon video (spart being the other members of at the drive in not in the mars volta) cut your ribbon is a good song and the video works for it, but this one is eh,,
its got something to do with a seedy drug underworld and like most at the drive in /mars volta stuff is way weird and complicated.

I highly recommend seeing invalid litter dept. and checking out at the drive in if you can handle energetic rock/punk (somewhat emo ish but not bad emo) screaming and lyrics that seem incoherent but actually make sense if you get a little tripped out.

im sorry to freak everyone out the last few days, sometimes my emotions get the best of me, and honestly im sorry for it being destructive but i wouldnt give up my feelings for the world.
I will work on the destructive outlash-certainly the last thing in the world that I want is for more people to be hurt in the process.

Some people I have talked to were right about things. And Im as worried as I was before, but i have come to terms to some degree with my place in the issue, im not wiping my hands clean, im noticing they have limits. I dont have to like the limits but they are there.

As for everything else
most of life is good. Im glad things are working out.
my home work isnt done, but it will get done.

Before slug started sucking (this is a date as yet determined precisely but in general lucy ford cant be topped)

he wrote a song called "If I was santa clause"
I think its a beautiful song, the problem is its hard to restrain yourself.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

I need a few weeks off, im sick of constant struggle, Im sick of school already (probably cuz i only had a 4 day break)

I dont want to turn any of it in, but Im gonna keep going.

Really what I want to spend my time doing is writing dirty stories, and drawing beautiful pictures and listening to music that warps my mind.

I got a couple cds the other day on my day of spending a fortune, I spent 150 $ or so.
I spose I should write about that.
(((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))()(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))


We mark ourselves to distinguish, to justify, to reach out, to communicate, to entertain, to express, to signify, to idolize, to mesmorize, to remind ourselves of whats important.
I was hung up, confused and desperate. I still am.
Since ancient times we have known how to perform the artform. The iceman they found in the alps has marks a long his pressure points, early acupunture. we call him a medicine man. In early religious texts it expresses the distinction between certain marks, piercings tattoos, it commands and regulates. Some are brands like cattle like slavery. I believe in judaism I marked myself a slave at 10. through gain and loss Im at 8 piercings. without some drastic amputation, scarification or cosmetic surgery (which i think I dont believe in). Im marked forever.

Peace and Love

in a letter to my mom, (she busted out the bib-le on me, and wrote mike you are not your sisters and brothers keeper)

I wrote back

Mom if I knew how not to be (my sister' s and brother's keeper) I still wouldnt try.
but clearly I dont know how anyway.
and yes it gets me in trouble and yes it hurts, but i still wouldnt choose another path. I would be lost.
In being the keeper, you know where you are.

(I would like to add)

You are desperately trying to cling to someone and suck the life from them
you are a horrible leech, parasitic and terrible
you are the opposite of what they need
and all the while convincing them its not so.

I am he.

(mike full of self hate right now, and even if I did believe this (cuz I dont) would I stop? no, I love it too much, and I dont know another way.)

I snuck away to the computer lab determined to talk about religious quests and find an e mail that haunts my thoughts.
I have no recourse and no way to change things, I have no options my opinion means nothing and im across a fucking ocean.
so i wait, to hear more, and hope that my heart can handle it. I TEAR UP IN A FUCKING COMPUTER LAB FROM WORRY AND GET ANGRY WITH FRUSTRATION!
I try to convince myself not to write to those with some sway...
I dont try very hard, I try very fucking hard!!!!
(im sorry this is not about anyone who will read this!)


determined to talk about religion.

I was doing my reading for history, medieval passages on religion what it is to be a devotee, a monk etc. They said there were 4 kinds (you should really know that my heart isnt in this post anymore) so i will probably screw a lot of this up.
the first was the monk who was devoted and followed his abbot, lived at the monastery etc.
the second was the monk who with the help of much guidance had learned to listen to god alone and thus left the monastery to pursue god's calling but by himself (so go to the desert)
the third was the monk who claimed he followed god and didnt and thus was unruly in the monastery or something
and the fourth was like the third but with a group of his friends and they preached and corrupted.

What are we?
How do we know
Where are those who follow the path?

I once met a woman who had devoted herself to buddhism, she spent 7 years in a monastery ( i think) when you join you dont know when they will let you leave (for some it could be a year for some 30) anyway
after a year or so (i think) they start you on a program where you arent allowed to speak.
no talking (and once again this is until they tell you, so you dont know when you will be allowed to again)
you spend your day meditating. you look inward you look outward you put away things like family anf friends (who you have no contact with the entire time) out of your mind,

her husband was outside, he was either in his own monastery or not in it at all. he supported her, not hearing from her, not knowing when she would come out. he stayed devoted as well

she describes going crazy, and then it all becoming clear again...
one day they let her speak again. she stayed for another 5 years or so.



in another section of the passages they described devotion to god, and your abbot who is like god to you in that they have all the influence over your life.
They describe not struggling with god, but following his path.
they list off probably 100 traits all of which i think i try to follow. and they say do not fight.
but was it jacob who fought with the angels over his path? was he not a prophet, was he not chosen by god and did god not give him the limp, the reminder, still he had won. It was his path and his path to serve god.

sometimes I wonder who i am.
today i am worried
today i am too dependent on this world
today i am too jealous
today i care too much
today i dont trust
today i worry the spirit is not directing someone
today i worry their ears are closed and syes shut
today i worry about another's path their choice their direction

_________________________________________________________________

I got a girl who i love, partially because everytime I hear from her she has a new future job, none of which she would ever leave behind, none of which she wouldnt do if it offered her the chance. Today its this later that, tomorrow this and the next day that. she will live on for eternity or die tomorrow always hopeful and mindful to look out for opportunities.
She will be the 90 yr old saying we should go for a walk because there are still things to see and do, she will be 120 and tripping on acid to reach out and explore even further.

_____________________________________________________________-____

I swear im two timing her... I swear she doesnt deserve the treatment I give her and neither does the other, I fear that maybe i will be stretched too thin of they both call out at once, I swear i'll rip myself a part and put myself back together for each.

___________________________________________________________

I swear im more than that, i swear i'll work harder so they arent the only ones, I swear i'll shred every hair from my head my arm my leg and each will one day have the strength i do right now, so that each and every woman man and animal can have a back rub and a heart felt word of encouragement.
I swear I cant do it alone, I swear i'll stop crying frustrated and do something right.

starting with those right here.

********
im sorry.... to all of you who i fail. im sorry for failing so many times.


peace and love

I finally finished the book I was reading, and stole a quick read of another story while in the computer lab at stirling university... Both were very enjoyable. One I may have to read again, the other I have to write a paper on, but not quite yet. Now its just history and india until i get my computer. Me and krystin are thinking of interviewing melissa's flatmates (more me than melissa)

Adventures in stirling

We started our treck to the dangerous computer lab through the winding twisting hallways of the labyrinth that is Cottreal, (the main building on campus) where many a student has been lost to the flickering motion sensor lights and the white of the hallways.
Once through that hectic puzzle we set out for the highest peak, and very quickly decided to just go to the william wallace monument (the highest peak in the next few blocks) and slowly scaled the moss laden old rock wall lined paths with the added danger of obstacles such as dirty dirty mud and dog poo which would have stood in our way had we not been looking down from panting (not melissa) and occasionally resting cuz we were out of shape. Right right then when we got up there, there were giant dragon like machines which threatened to eat us alive -but instead were just performing minor construction to the area. Then we seriously thought of facing the dreadful challenge of paying the fine to walk up the 264 stairs to the top, but we decided to be smart and just took pictures from below. Then visited the giftshop where the strawberry castle-rock candy stuff flowed like wine for 20 p and we tasted all the flavors deciding Edinburgh was delicious.


are walk down was equally as treacherous and woeful as we had decided to refuse the man who ran the free bus transport, and we regretted it with each step... mainly krystin.
Then as our spirits soared and by soared I mean plummeted and by plummeted I mean meandered off, and by meandered off I mean we couldnt decide what to do next, we walked through creepy old alleyways to find a bus stop. But it wouldnt let us on, because it was a dreadful bus, so we walked forth toward town (the university is outside of town) and stirling with its stirling glory laid frontstraightaway with stirling goodness. But then a bus did come so we took it and it cost far less than we imagined possible. from there we ventured towards £ stores for we were a sorry sort of cheap wallymonkeys and krystin needs to stop spending money (but now she has decided to take out a loan so she is back to suggesting taxi's and coke)
Are £ store days were beautiful but too savory, for we walked out with things we didnt need like a smokers kit but a gnarley one in deed, and socks that say guiness but none of us drink the stuff.
Um from there we challenged ourselves with the hike of the century up to the castle (the stirling one) which we noticed because of its stirling beauty and stirling presence and also because of the signs pointing the way. But first we stopped to visit our dead ancestors in row upon row with tipped over graves and the like, just to sort of remember how many have died fighting the plague and such.
but then
oh but then we went to the stirling castle which could not have been more stirling unless say we had gone inside but we are all to cheap and the view was good and the castle was closing anyway.
so we had chips at a chippy shop and ramshackled our way back to a bus where we spent a little more but got a better view (doubledecker) and thus Almost ends the story of the first day in stirling. we braced the cold again to find internet and found a man laying on the floor, which we reported but now I feel really bad about it, as they are still hassling him (nicely) but allthewhile the guy is probably just trying to sleep off a hangover on the floor of the computer lab (whats wrong with that?)

you enjoy yourselves.

I should be reading my book for class, or smoking crack, but instead I am plotting.

We got bus passes, for cheaper than train, and they go to most of the cities we wanted to anyway. We pick them up in florence.

Im starting to worry about my history class, (the directed study will be easy) but im worried about access to internet to turn in assignments for the medieval one, especially during march when I wont have the books (should have ordered...tsk tsk..).


Other things do morris shops take credit cards online?
do they deliver?
do mars bars have to be so damn rich that I cant eat one without a drink?
what the fuck has the world come to?


also I need to start writing.
and re journaling my india trip.
and so much more....

so much more indeed that Im gonna get off (another boring post completed)

Travel plans are getting rearranged (trains? buses?) and such but should work out nevertheless right?
we are for sure gonna be going to pisa feb 6 as long as we get up in the morning in Glasgow.

..and should be on are way to stirling any time now when Mel stops by to pick us up.

Um my comp isnt here and now we are starting to wonder if it will be here by next weekend (hopefully) otherwise i dont know what im doing. I have papers on there I have to turn in, I have pics i need to unload on there. I got things I want to check, music I want to listen to, pics I like to look at, things I want to save that I cant save on this computer, things I want to download and such.

So yeah...

Um your shoes untied! (runs away)

the other funniest picture in the world

The funniest pictures I have ever seen

First you Have pete (best friend since we were 4) opening his christmas present from his roommate.

The present (im gonna make this my desktop) hes a funny guy his name is tyler he smokes and drinks and plays online poker and dates girls who are always younger then him.
But still thats a funny picture right?

And finally pete proudly displaying it.

Amy Chua writes:

In countries with a market-dominant minority and a poor "indigenous" majority, the forces of democratization and marketization directly collide. As markets enrich the market dominant minority, democratization increases the political voice and power of the frustrated majority. The competition for votes fosters the emergence of demagogues who scapegoat the resented minority, demanding an end to humiliation, and insisting that the nation's wealth be reclaimed by its "true owners." Thus as America toasted the spread of global elections through the 1990s, vengeful ethnic slgans proliferated: (a list of nationalist slogans for example "America for Americans") More moderate candidates who disavow ethnic politics are made to look like traitors. As popular hatred of the rich "outsider" mounts, the result is an ethnically charged political pressure cooker in which some form of backlash is unavoidable.

This book is really good, and kind of scary. One of my problems with it is that I always look for the optimistic side, and in some sense my capitalist side flares. When she talks about poor impoverished nations without infrastructure being pillaged by outside economic forces, I think "wow i bet if they had infrastructure americans and europeans would want to go there because its cheap. If you could provide a safe place to stay (a hostel) you could make some serious cash. I then decide to do such a thing would be morally wrong, so I add that profits could be used to make shelters, redistribute food etc.

oh capitalism, am I he who upon tasting your pleasure sweetly intermingled with disdain for redistribution would cast off my notions of social justice? Am I he?

money and travel:Well Im not spending too much yet. I was hoping to be saving money while im here and so far i think i have spent about 30$ so thats not bad. Its roughly what i spend in morris on a good week though, which is bad.
considering im gonna be spending about 20 $ a day at least while traveling... my cash may not last too long. Im hoping to stay too if anyone is around. Its hard for people to say if they can come out for summer, and my ticket may only be good till june 28th so what if people do come out and i leave em half way through (that will suck). Im also considering spending march in france w/ illy (though I havent told her that) and hanging out with alexis if she comes for spring break.

pics: Soon I will have the funniest pics in the world up here, but ya gotta wait for my comp so i can d'load them. im hoping my comp gets here monday morning before we go to stirling (probably till wednesday). also I will finally be able to get my india and some edinburgh pics up. (though we havent taken many) and that will be coolerish.

Homework update: Im determined to get my Briggs paper done tonight and finish my book for my directed study by monday, then while im gone work on india and history, and then when i get back finish up my anth and india stuff and then head out for the continent.

Comp and travel: I think with my comp I will also be able to get some of the writing I been meaning to do, and I might bring it even though its heavy, If I take my suitcase (yeah I know im not a real backpacker this time) it will fit in there.

today: me and krystin were basically lazy today, we sat around I talked to people online and did homework. We walked around, to some shops looking for food around dinner time, and after a mile or two walking to the grocery store and buying a pre roasted chicken and some bread and grapes. Then on the way back I stopped at our local store for drinks (so as not to carry them) I think Im getting my travel legs back, to an extent. my hands and feet are constantly freezing though.

Mike being weird: maybe some of you have noticed I have been writing weird messages, e mails and on facebook walls. im feeling creative but dont have anything to say so i have just been letting anything flow and often it turns into weirdness, for example I wrote on laurel's wall just to say hi and after referencing mike the rock broke into
"what the hell is mike the rock rambling on about, and hows it going, i hear the floor is singled up and quiet like a moutain lion about to strike. is this true, is a lion about to rip your throats apart or is it just more of the usual, the small house cats, possums and raccoons of old. do your remember social science seminar? do you remember me failing it? do you remember the way we were? do you remember where we were? do you remember where I was in this rant about nothing important? was I anywhere near Wareville, NC? is that a real place? is it near? are you near? can you hear? why isnt the bird chopping wood? would you wear and compare the places you have been with where you were and what is near? and would it be clear? please tell me. oh god why wont you answer? for the love of god. Also you should read remily's v is for vendetta or maybe its not her's but make mike the rock read it too. the greeks invented anal lube. this in my conclusion."

I wouldnt say im bored here, its just that with only krystin around im not venting to enough people and thus i get weirder or something, i dont know maybe its all the india music, and the trippy pink floyd and the euro pop.

Maybe its the graying days the yellow elephants the tiger stripes, the sunshine raisins, the california raisins, Brigg's raisins, the raise in prices world wide the globalization the salivation, the personalized privatization the private moments we share.. maybe its the colorful descriptions the wall decorations the paintings at which I stare
the closet of wonder
the secrets you ponder
the way you look at me when i'll im really saying is... I care
are secrets mirrored? and televised to be clearer than windows stained golden with tears of the sun? are portraits self painted, tourists as self hated as purists and chandeliers swing from above? why is it safer to run and displace his feelings while tracing the path of his first rising star, shattered and wonderfully embraced from a far,
soothing and moving, flying and gliding
like pigeons in train stations held at arms length to take pictures mid flapping and drastically trapped and confused
shattering our views
we see in hesitation only the whiteness of doves
and when you race by concerned or elated
I feel as if fated to turn to my partner and proclaim my love.

my dream

amongst all this talk of parenting, I must have gotten confused,
it was around x mas time, I think, must'v been last x mas.
I was at some sort of spa, but it wasnt supposed to be a spa, it was supposed to be like home, or something. I had been working on a gift for my mom, but it wasnt my mom, I mean it was afterwards but before that it was some other older adult female. The gift was like a comicbook style thing of pictures I had drawn and a story about the person.
I was sort of excited/a little worried about giving the gift, but I wasnt ready for the reaction I got, which was basic contempt for it. To some extent, and it enraged me, because afterall my mom was always like "oh just make me something" and so I chased afterher, (now we were in some tunnels and there was my family there but only grant my step dad and my mom spoke and they had eachother's backs on this one. and I felt ganged up on, and thus responded accordingly yelling and screaming and swearing and running away repeatedly. After awhile I told her I had been working on it for 6 hours (which seemed a lot in my head) and she was forced to say it was "good, but not india good" was her response. and so I gave up my ticket, out of feeling angered and betrayed. And I threw it at her, and told her to go.
she justified her comments by saying, that I had told her on the phone to be excited for the gift (something i would never say) and thus felt cheated when it was something so small, but she didnt say it like she was hurt she said it with contempt, like she deserved something bigger and grant agreed and so I yelled fuck you at them, and continued down the tunnels (possily an airport/mountain tunnels) -I noticed people peeing on the side of the road. I followed my family as they walked but allowing them enough distance so that I didnt have to see them. Along the long walk I suddenly entered a room, and behind me was sublime (assume long beach dub all stars) and it was first ave, only smaller, but facing the directing i was going remained the tunnels so I kept walking, and ran into all my best guy friends from home. Pete and foulkes and nick and zach and someone else and josh gust, and they had just played a game on the other side of the cities and were taking a plane back to park, all were notably drunk and i helped them stumble up to the stage where we started rocking out hardcore, but slowly the members of the band began to disappear, and so did the crowd until it was me and nick h rocking out to some tracks by system of a down that the dj was playing on his discman, and suddenly i stopped and looked at the man and said "we are listening to a cd at first avenue" and that was his cue so he got up and left. I followed him into a bathroom (not first ave) and ran in to 4 guys i didnt know but who seemed friendly, and they threw shaving cream at me, in a playful way, but it missed and hit nick on his neck, and then I snutzed him.

the end.

ABBA Gold

rocks the house sometimes. Its interesting how I get into pop music when ever I am traveling, but at least its got that 70s euro hippie feeling.
Songs of love and break up
thank you for the music I guess

I have yet to bust into my Indian music collection too much. I rocked out to some Ravi Shankar last night while drawing, which was nice. Krystin walked in and was like "this song has been on for 10 mins" and I was like "yeah its a jam and a half too"
we shall see how "drums of India: ecstasy" (all tabla music) is after this next song.

and I did crack into my "gypsy passion: flamenco" cd the other day to hear some familiar tracks by Ottmar Liebert and a whole ton of new stuff -which was super smooth
but after that its all india folk and religious music, so we shall see how that is. Will it be good yes? no?
and awaiting tracks from the US (we got like 5-6 india pop cds) for like 5 of us, which we planned to share but we shall see if that takes place.
anywho other than that

tenacious d, sage, system, queens of the stone age, a beatles cover band, and some pink floyd until my comp gets here.

Not that anyone cares but remember this is also my personal journal "duh" so i get to record my trip here.
peace

Updating for your love!

RAINY DAYS

Some of yall who i been talking to more readily might get bored with this post, its more of an update out of boredom than anything else.

I thought maybe some color would liven things up, maybe its just annoying. we will find out.
This weekend krystin's rents are gone, and we are all alone, so clearly it is rave time. We printed flyers and were gonna hand em out today around the university, they are quite colorful, but its raining so we decided to blow off the whole thing. The rest of the weekend better not be so drab, but actually it would probably be helpful as I have a ridiculous amount of shit to do homework style before the end of february and I's best gets started.

This thing auto-removes my spacing, so if shit is fucked up looking, im sorry.

So I finished one book, 2 to go, before february (i think) plus we have our first assignment in history due today, and I did the reading but for some reason am reluctant to type up the answers to the questions. Got four papers to write, can only do two right now, need clarification or books or my comp for the others. oh well, less boredom more exicitablity.

Better off drawing/eating starbursts listening to sage francis. (I lent krystin some of my cds before I left and its working out rather well for me, considering I now have like 4 of my cds here cuz she burned em)

um missing faces.

no storms in europe only rain and wind. (better write some poetry soon)

4 to remember

1) Melissa (i really hope I havent been spelling this wrong all this time)
popped in yesterday on her way to London, and spent the night with us. We made stir fry w/ veggies from two different stores, used sauces we could not explain, and two woks, (one for the vegitarian) the other for me and krystin's family. I was worried we wouldnt have enough, but Krystin's brother didnt eat much, I dont think he trusted my cooking. Anywho it was aight, much fun, and I explained my frustration to them while chopping. Which is why half the carrots went on the floor.

2) Me and Melissa stayed up till 2 Am discussing everything and the kitchen sink, why we talked about the kitchen sink I dont remember, maybe cuz its Scottish, but anyway it was awesome. Religion, and travels, and people and relationships, and our place in life, and ourselves. I talk too much as you all know. and kept apologizing but kept doing it anyway. In the midst of our talking were sounds from the neighbors. Drunken partying and off key singing to off key paino playing. (it was clear that the pianist could play, but was not sober) Anyway we laughed as they sang disney and pop songs.

3) Edinburgh is a great city. Anyway I love this city for about four things (none of them being the weather)
A) its easy to get around, to walk, its relatively easy to get lost and found again. Its centered around a castle that stands above the building line and so whereever you are you are relatively oriented. and if you cant see that you can see the large hills to the east which also helps. So thats nice
B) The architecture, the look, the scenery is amazing, even the normal buildings look old, and there is some real old churches and a fucking castle in the middle of town. Awesome. Every picture has something cool looking in the background and if not, then you are probably in front of stores which you can generally say is either on Prince's street (the main street through the center of town) which is across from the fucking castle, or near the university or the port or something cool.
c) its young and old at the same time, its a old fucking cool looking city and it has a university 5 blocks or so from the center of town so it has a young feel to it. There are bars and clubs and live music, and posters and graffiti and old stone streets and this is all in one of the biggest cities of scotland (maybe the biggest) so its not like its a small town. Its wonderful. finally
D) people watching, its true I do this everywhere and everywhere I do it I love it, I do it at malls in the US cuz thats where the people are but here I can go out to prince's street and if the rain doesnt start and if I bring something to dry a seat off, I can (and have) spent the entire day watching people walk by. I helped 3 japanese tourists find the train station today, I saw beautiful women, men, children. I saw old and young, all races. Stylish or business, casual or groggy old brown gray raincoats.
I love to think about the people, what they are thinking, is this their first time or have they walked this road a million times? are they hurried? scared? lonely? happy? are they loved? do they know it? Are they on their way to work, play, church, family? Are they hungry, sick, tired, shaken?
today I saw a big strong man, and out of one eye he was crying, walking down the busiest street in scotland. I wondered why? was he afraid that others would see him, was he comfortable, was it something in his eye? was it something someone had said, done? was it something he regrets?
I smile sometimes, I cry sometimes, I meet and talk to people sometimes, I get hit on, and flirt, I get offered money and give money. I become homeless and rich at the same time. I worry or rememeber things fondly. I see people who remind me of those I love, and I love them for it. Sometimes I sit and project as much love as I can on each passerby, to see if they turn their head and notice, sometimes they do, sometimes they share a glance, a moment.
I love people watching.

Also Our address should read

Gary/Pat Engstrand
2F1, 100 Thirlestane Road
Edinburgh
EH9 1AS
Scotland


little mix up with the post office, and the mailpeople are getting mad.

Krystin had done some scam to get cash out of her mom for pop. And they needed milk anyway so we (Krystin, her brother elliott and I) were off to the corner store. I got starbursts since i needed some sort of fruit candy. (they are a bit different here, different flavors, scottish flavors a cultural experience) anyway on the way back, we saw a guy on a bike with what looked like a baby and fallen groceries. Krystin stopped and looked at me, and asked if we should help, i took a look and then saw what i thought was a baby and thought "aight" and handed her the milk i was holding.
He had gotten most of it back into his bags, but there was a bit of something green in plastic so I picked it up off the wet street and handed it to him. In broken british (faded scottish, north english, or maybe just from a different town than edinburgh) he exclaimed how happy he was to run into someone who was nice enough to do a favor in this town. For the next ten minutes this man, who Elliott was a "scraggly bum" and krystin felt was "an interesting character" (afterwards) talked to us about organic cooking, his dislike of vegans and his living situation.
He went down a list of 20-30 different foods and went over their functions to help the body, herbs, parts of animals, tea, etc. He discussed why we shouldnt eat sugar (go with honey) caffeine chocolate, coffee and even tea.
Oh and by the way do you know of a bed for the night?
He told us about the family he had been working for, cooking for 24-35 people a article he had written in a magazine 19 years ago.
Toward the end he noticed a man passing by and told him (while he walked on ignoring) and us, how the man looked like a smaller version of a European boxing champ he had created a special diet for.
Im staying in a garage but the man who owns the property has been harassing me.
He spoke of vegans being evil because vegan food destroys your appendix- and how ginseng after being used in tea, could be reused for a "pick me up" (referring to me and krystin having sex) he also mentioned hair, organ and general health remedies.
Im out of the garage by friday morning at 9:00 and then -well thats it for me.
The man was overly gracious in his health tips, and I loved it.
Krystin wanted to run away. I would have stayed forever.
His shoes were from "a bin" the man who bought them wore them "maybe 5 times, then through them in the bin," the best meat comes from the country, it ought to be wild, milk organic, stay away from cheese. Its all about contacts find a hunter who will bring you the meat for cheap.
iodine from the islands, red snapper brains, bones and everything, cook the bones till they're golden, but there are two kinds of golden the good and the bad, so if it gets too golden then no, like aldente.
so if you know of a place, e mail me at organicgems001@hotmail.com (I think?) anyway I should be on my way.



Elliott and Krystin were freaked out, it was the highlight of my day, and reminded me of several such beautiful coincidences in life.
Elliott -Elliott -"He kept talking forever"

Thats what happens when you are lonely, I've been there.

"That guy looked like he was homeless."

He is, but hes an organic chef.

"So I felt like the biggest asshole when I killed your rock and roll"

Right then me and krystin are starting to work out plans, hanging out with melissa on wednesday (maybe going to london, probably too expensive, but eh...) looking into rail passes and flights. Thinking february is a good time to go to france and italy and maybe spain, and then later maybe in april hit up amsterdam and germany and czech rep and poland? austria? who knows really.

both of us are strapped for cash as it is. and im trying to extend my vacation even further. plus hang out with illy in france and alexis whereever and if hollie comes in the summer well geez i might have a million things to do and no money.
today we went to the grocery store and planned. tomorrow we may be more productive, maybe a free museum or something.

krystin is sad that the edinburgh zoo cost a goatload.
Goodluck to everyone starting their new semester manana. and drive safe!!!!
i aint coming home for no funerals. please please please be careful.


um other then that, listened to some abba today rocking mad style.

What to say what to say...

I dont mean any offense by this but it bugs me, so im gonna vent and hope those involved (one of whom says she wont read this anymore) understand that its just not easy.

The fortune teller I saw said there are two women in my life right now. I feel like thats true except that I dont get to see either of them, both are graduating, both are insecure about their position in my life, both have stuff going on in their own lives, and me I'm stuck wondering how to solve these problems without any real options at all. I want to see both, I want to share my life in different ways with both, hell with more then both of them. I want to share my life with every woman i meet. Doesnt mean I can so I tend to single out the ones that have something special, and then from there I single out the ones who dont find me too annoying, and from there I go even further and be come friends with the ones who like me, and from there i take a very select few who I know i could love more than a friend - and who i think could feel the same, and from there ---from there I check if the situation is ok, and from there I perhaps start pondering.

This process takes a while -usually.
Its not that I blame either, I know they are doing what is right for them, I know im handing them a situation that sucks and saying "deal with it" I know im off adventuring and they are stuck in morris, I know I know I know,

but its not easy being green, and its harder dealing with situations in which everything feels right in my heart, no problems, enough to go around and I dont mean in any kind of physical way, but in their heads, in their hearts and with their frustration I get overwhelmed in my head and hurt in my heart knowing I cant help them understand.

Why cant free love (once again LOVE only) be real? why are there complications?
a week ago I had a crush on 6 different girls, was in a relationship with a beautiful girl on the other side of the planet and had a best friend who I still love and in my heart there was no problem. no one was at risk to be hurt, no one had to worry about anything. E mails and phone calls insist otherwise and I'm still wondering why we cant all get along.

once again I understand its not easy. but love isnt supposed to be. so work with me on it and everything will be awesome, work with me on it and everything will be lovely.

I was about to say have faith that I wont hurt any of you out there, and then caught myself remembering it isnt always about the intentions, but still my intentions are good. seriously im trying very hard to make things work.


Im gonna not write about this much anymore because it only seems to hurt people, and not just specific people but apparently everyone in the world has a problem anytime i get in a relationship...
wow i must be really tired to over generalize like that.

adventuring with one of my best friends from school and im still sad/lonely and frustrated.

and yet, is the world not fucking beautiful? isnt it? isnt it amazing? dont you sometimes get swept up and weap and smile at it?

well you should, and im gonna keep trying to, even if it costs me.

so me and krystin have to have some blogs for our directed studies this is mine, it wont be all that interesting... but maybe.

india and europe

krystin's is

krystin's european adventures

Hey miss aimee, my e mail is always on this site, mikehaggar@msn.com or my school one at hagg0055@mrs.umn.edu so feel free to write a brotha



Trainspotting

"its shite being scottish, were the lowest of the low, some people hate the english, I dont, the english are just wankers, we on the other hand are colonized by wankers!"

I hear its playing at a theater in town, and yes im now in the famous city of Edinburgh home to the characters in trainspotting and all the other books by that guy... (forget his name though i've read a few)
anywho staying in a swanky part of town apparently, its nice, not as nice as the posh hotels in india but better in that it feels like it could be a home (sort of reminds me of my st paul house in an odd way)

will have internet access while here. (soon have my own comp and thus be on a million times a day)
but we have already gotten out a bit, learned the quick way to the city center Prince's street like a 15-20 min walk the weathers aight, not too cold but not by any means warm. Krystin's fam is cool. already making plans.
hoping everyone is well.

feeling at a loss to solve the problems i face and yet feeling good about the immediate future. cept maybe homework


soon, have to write some poetry, do some drawings and paintings.
get my pics up.
play some jedi trainer.
call the homies
its my b day in like 3 hours im gonna crash and read a letter tomorrow that i have been looking forward to.
enjoy!

oh london


why arent you all that i dream you are?
oh wait... you are, and arent.. (why cant i get on facebook?)

I miss india kids already and its been a few hours, they are over the atlantic and i feel left behind, but things will be better when i get some sleep.

So london is cold and gray, and miserable and also amazing, and so much to see and overwhelming and it sucks that i cant be in a better mood and have less luggage to hall around or i would make the most of the 6-7 hours i got left here.
I was gonna rant for an hour but the truth is i still like this city, despite the cold, unfeeling exterior its amazing, i just need to share it with someone, and be rich.




hmm i guess not much to say. 4 papers to write, 3 by the end of jan, one by the end of feb, some plans in the works, travel, savings, writings, drawings, projects. missing cats looking forward to seeing krystin, feeling bad i didnt bring a gift for her or her family when everything was so cheap in India, (we looked just didnt know what to get...)

said goodbye in an odd manner, through video... since i had to go and they had to go to a transfer flight...


smoking weed and making money.

missing so many cats...
and cats as well word up zoe, fuzz, flakey...
I had a dream about fuzzy cat the other day and i think it meant things will be ok, either that or things will be fucked up but hes with me. Fuzzy is my guardian angel.

freaked out about some people the other day. maybe i should be on prozac, maybe it would make me calmer and less worried.
but maybe its just the stressful situations i been in, the culture shock the sleep deprivation the inability to express certain desires and the lack of certain others.
what the hell happened?

i turn 22 in like 2 days i think. word to your motha

IN India, loving it minus the bout of travelers disease today and yesterday. Not many opportunities to post, or check e mail, but uh, shits good. I will be in scotland in a few days I think I will take a bus, like i did last time, the guy said it was the cheapest. The glasgow guy i couldnt understand who downed a liter of vodka in front of me.

Hmm From russ and emily's suggestion.

We went to a rock quarry, far from town, the great expanse of land interrupted by huge rock gaps, dynamited a way by workers who's job pai their entire family about 2$ a day. Their work: to split the rock, and break it manually with a pick axe into 1-2 inch chunks, for processing to make a dark sand, perhaps for cement, perhaps for roofing. The small village of workers, in dirty wood huts, a clearing in front, where the children had their bridge school sessions, at the hope that one day they could go to a normal school. They play and sing songs, but the people dont smile. The children wear tattered clothes, no doubt their best, with little to no undergarments in a country that frowns at such through their modesty. on a rope line, hangs drying clothes, but they arent clean, in fact they might need several more washings.
We stand around teaching songs, and taking pictures, a one day one hour 60 minute distraction in their lives of hardship. Then we compare them to the other students, as if such comparisons could be made, as if such comparisons would ever be meaningful to them.

they show us the pride, their flowers and painted stones, their deities, their temple, the place of natural worship. The distinction between the the century old temples of the city near by and these small painted rocks couldnt be more prominent.

We wait, our leaders argue over the safestway to leave, avoiding flying rock, or possibly collapse of the area all together, we ponder the green and brown ponds, while they make jokes about their mineral baths and pools. The run off of the mining process is the source of their life blood. lifewater comes with gunpowder parasites, bacteria and dirt.

A woman from a self help group asked us (in a different part or our trip) how we explain the disparity in wealth, the reason for the divide.

How do you explain the greed and selfishness of not giving away a few pennies?

as far as i know, this will be my address in scotland

also as far as i know, the earth does indeed spin to the left when facing north...

Gary/Pat Engstrand
2F1, 100 Thirlestane Road
Edinburgh
EH9 1AS
Scotland

i know i should be patient and understanding, i can be that i think, i need to try, but everyday i feel patience slipping away and actually more so than the original situation it bothers me. bothers me that i lose patience...




also im signed up for 10 credits and may try to con my way into a few more here by tomorrow. thas right. Im a con man baby.

Im sorry if this becomes one of those things i complain about. Im hoping i can just be angsty and frustrated on here and then be over it.

First off I got a test tomorrow the last of the semester,and two papers to go, but i doubt i'll get em done.

So..... remember how i was thinking about withdrawing from my social science sem? well the reasons were simple.. I didn't get all the assignments done, didnt have time to do em in time before the class ended. So I sent an e mail to the prof, said hey im over worked and stressed and this class is not a priority so im gonna withdraw. He sent back an e mail saying dont withdraw come see me in my office (his office hours are 10-11:30 tuesday thursday. I have a class at 10:00 on thursday -which happened to be a test so I didnt go in on thursday. I also didnt send him back an e mail because like i said before i was stressed and had other priorities. So im thinking "ok, i will go in next week and talk to him, spend 3 hours in the library and pass the class." I go in on monday, hes in but its says office hours are tuesday morning... (the first time i knew that) but i had pulled an all nighter from sun to mon and slept in tuesday cuz it was my only day off this week. So i missed it... but i didnt e mail him cuz he told me to come in and see him and find out what i needed to do. So i go in today, say fuck office hours i got timeright now, i got in at 12:30 he says "oh i just sent in the grades why didnt u send me the work?" cuz i had other priorities like the e mail said like the reason i was gonna withdraw... "um well you will have to take it next semester.." ok whatever i can still withdraw (nope) call the office of classes and shit "is it too late?" "yes" ok.... so i fail a class because my teacher told me i could make up the work even though i told him i dont have time and then when i find the time he says not soon enough why didnt u find the time earlier? fuckers....

From anne landers to ani difranco to orphan annie,
I love all women, but most of em just cant stand me....
either way it's okay, I wasn't tryin' to get laid
I just wanted to say "I hope you have a great day"

get to relax a bit tonight, james is talking bout coming up for lunch tomorrow, long drive. hope hes got some work or something up here.


bout to make sure im not interfering with the flow of oxygen


soul position is awesome. tis true

mike sob story (full length continuation)

sorry for thoseof you who have read this

get research paper done, test at 11, finish other paper, go to two study sessions, (by thursday) finish 2 books write 2 papers 4-6 pages each,test wednesday, test thursday (both of which i havent even started studying for) meet with prof go to the library for 3-4 hours to make up assignments so that I dont fail my social science seminar, pack up my room, spend quality time with people, set up last minute directed studies, drive home to spend 2 possible days with my dad, 5 possible days with friends and my mom and pack for both india and scotland, as well as get x mas presents and make sure my car and health insurance are in working order. then i fly to india spend a few weeks checking out poverty and shit and then fly to london where i catch a bus train or plane to edinburgh just in time for my b day on jan 15th, where I start some more school... travel around europe and hopefully see some cats i been missing for a semester.
chillax

I know most of you are probably thinking, well if u hadnt slacked off you'd be aight, and thats only partially true.

falling into place?


its true im struggling to finish this semester, two papers due tomorrow at 4ish a test tomorrow, a class that may be my free withdrawl or may mean 3-4 hours in the library, another class with 2 papers left and a paragraph of the paper i have gotten the furthest on, but still havent finished-not to mention the 2 papers are with books i havent finished...

BUT
maybe.. if Roland says yes... that makes 10 and maybe if i can persuade templeman that it would be worthy... that could be a few more and maybe then I would be a full time student and wouldnt feel like I wasted next semester doing fun shit like I want to do!

by that I mean i want to travel, but if I can be rsponsible while traveling well thats two stones with one bird if you know what I means, and I think you do.

Right right...

pete woke me up yesterday and told me of the wonderful time im missing in park. and how I wont have 3 hours alone to myself this break, which will be bad since I need to pack and and possibly finish some papers/reading.

oh do i have the energy for youthful adventure? I surely dont have the stamina to run at this rate for long...

also If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

"Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris"

still you feed us lies from the tablecloth

"to all the people out there at night, who are comforting themselves, if you happen to see my light, you can stop and ring my bell, im just sitting here in this sty, strewn with half written songs, taking one breath at a time, nothin much goin on." ~ani D (yeah i probably quoted this before but yall dont read the archives)

"i'll be waiting"

I wanted to write some shitty poetry but attempts were not so solid and now i must go to class.

oh the places we will go tonight... yes yes avoiding homework (i got my studying done, but have yet to do the papers) oh the papers the bane of my existence i know i keep saying that about different things but truly papers must be.
So now we sit with comps a rolling and mouths a strolling, discussing counterweights, jokes and holidays.

Laurel demands I work but she said she was going to bed like an hour ago so she is a dirty filthy liar. Which she claims does not make her unable to tell me what to do.
Thanks for the holiday gifts and wishes bre and krystin the mints were truly delightful. as were the crackers.

In other news, I worry bout peoples who dont like to tell me their worries, only hint at them and then suggest that we talk about it later. Which i try to be ok with but you should have heard my heart pound after hearing that phone message.

and on a completely different note, this is what I wrote last night about depictions of witches:
The concept of witch covens remains today, but the popular focus has switched from demonic pacts to female or nature empowerment. In popular culture we see many depictions of witches in which the same behaviors or spells as those referred to in history remain as do the purposes of doing harm or gaining power. In movies like The Craft the female coven astonishes even themselves while dabbling in witchcraft, those outside warn the characters that they are practicing dark magic and upsetting the balance of good and evil, but the witches in a quest for power, wealth and popularity continue on in very much a similar pattern as accused witches would have been charged with in the middle ages. These women are moving outside their gender and class roles, they act together to upset the balance and they cause harm to men in charming them out of their natural senses. In Four Rooms a comedy containing several different stories the opening story begins with a witch coven. The women gather in a hotel suite to awaken their goddess. The characters including one played by Madonna, depict in several ways their sexual influence and charm over men. During the ceremony, in which one of the women adds male semen to the mix, they attract a teenage girl to join them. The story includes pagan worship, sexual control over men, females conspiring together to change gender roles, the extraction of male semen to cast spells and the “corruption” of youth.

I tend to bring it all back to modernity a bit too much.

givin away my stuff anybody need anything? (possiby to be returned to me late summer, or early next school year)

This seems to be a recurring theme lately (that word was misspelled wasn't it?)

How does one make up for blowing someone elses trust?
How does one fix holes in others view of their integrity.
How does one communicate their sincere desire to make it better, when they cant comprehend the damage? Should I just wait and hope it gets better? possibly giving up a friendship that I really enjoy or do I fight still probably uncomprehending their suffering assuming that the injustice can be made better? Is it a further injustice to assume, is it a further injustice to be unknowing? Is it mine or their duty to bridge the gap, for an explanation of the damage done?

Why am I so old and still fucking up like i did in jr high? and how do I make sure this doesnt turn in to the drama and angst of that day?


So Im sorry to everyone I have hurt lately, I know that it there are more of you than just the recent ones, and apparently one of you isnt holding a grudge except for a picture which I still think is cool, but you are entitled to your opinion. And the other person who im not sure even reads this, I am sorry, I was wrong for both lying to you and going against your wishes in something that is beyond my limited understanding. I dont know that I can make it up but if I can I wish to. I know that despite my flaws you once has some respect for me, as I do for you and hopefully in the future I can find a way to make it up to you.

Peace and love -taff

I done fucked up with mike the rock, sometimes im not aware of what others take seriously

Even understanding the circumstances doesnt it often feel like rejection? When people got shit going on or pull away for their own needs...

On further reflection, I didn't get my paper done and I have lower backpain, nails painted the manic colors of my childhood, I'd release to get some release, but the pain blocks the way.
"if we fall, we all fall, and we fall alone"

long ago we tried to give up on lines, hoping to project some inner sense of dignified solidity, longing for belonging, we treasured the eternal possibilities, thus in loneliness we adopted transendence and sometimes we cant help but feel it lacking.

"give me my knife you bastard" ~molly

We are watching coffee and cigarettes, steve buscemi is hurassing some cats at a coffee shop.
Mike the rock and molly are peeling apples for apple sauce.
I dont have a phone card but im supposed to call steve, for like days now.

we went and saw rent yesterday, I liked it, I cried, I sang, I told a woman i appreciated her clapping. I felt sympathetic when she told me her friend had died, I felt warmed knowing he was there with us.

We went to perkins Joe was there, Chip and chang were there, jason and amber were there. They all looked alike and liked to talk to us.

"what you like to draw blood?" ~molly

yes i do, but thats not what i told her.

Becky's b day was the other day. I enjoyed myself, she seemed to feel better, and she got hit on a bunch and got free drinks.
I conversated with Andy about anger acknowledging our attitudes and assessing our alcohol induced angst. Im glad to see and hang out with my friends.

right. jello shots on fri. rent on sat, homework today.

peace and love... im all about the indifference.

"the most interesting thing that can be seen is -belongs to is -how most easily-socially and personally -and how that affects the way they are" ~execerpts from Jason's paper

I got chills they're multiplying


I dont want to be in school next semester, still I cant financially or in any other way justify not taking some classes, so its buck up, and take it like a giraffe. Thats right.

random insights from snippets of scatterbrainedness

Im very sketchy on my head today

I am using the fact that my teachers are all behind to my advantage

The week is going so fast I forgot I had a meeting tonight until molly told me 5 mins ago.


but either way dons is a good way to fuck with my stomach, and as we all know i love doing that
yeah dons without a shake is like me without a dons shake
it just doesnt work well

no i did a lot of the research and some of the map stuff but im about half done with the work, except the actual typing
which puts me not very far at all
when i think about it


yes both why not i'll be magnificent

I have the biggest stupidest mouth in the world, and i think karma and fate is trying to fucking give me a hint. I fucked up. I hope everything works out. The parties involved know im trying to take full blame. Im an idiot.
also I hate the fact that right when things in most cases start to be going right i go and get all ego like and try to be cool and screw it up.

very happy that becky is talking to me, seems ok, smiles.

very unhappy that this geography project will not be done by the time class starts. but i think its just a third of a letter grade off, still he's a tough grader and its 20% total of the grade. I think i will have 2/3s of the work done, by class time, but im gonna send my teacher an e mail and tell him i underestimated.


had a lot of fun and laughs at the floor program tonight.

Eagan's version is better than dylans

Well, if you're travelin' in the north country fair,
Where the winds hit heavy on the borderline,
Remember me to one who lives there.
for She once was a true love of mine.

Well, if you go when the snowflakes storm,
When the rivers freeze and summer ends,
Please see if she's wearing a coat so warm,
To keep her from the howlin' winds.

Please see for me if her hair hangs long,
If it rolls and flows all down her breast.
Please see for me if her hair hangs long,
That's the way I remember her best.

sometimes I wonder if she remembers me at all.
Many times I've often prayed
In the darkness of my night,
In the brightness of my day.

So if you're travelin' in the north country fair,
Where the winds hit heavy on the borderline,
Remember me to one who lives there.
for She once was a true love of mine.

The brutal process,
ripping,
thrust
forced expansion
the scream of flesh
of combatting the stretch

and on a smaller scale
like the antarctic snow dunes of the parking lot...
I think it would be possible
to see the creation of a galaxy
space doubling, tripling infinite with each new
stab
and withdrawl

what we call destruction, death
the expression of space dividing and expanding
reaching beyond the encaptured limited form of body
and with each prick, the opening to more
released longing creates the "bang"
with every cut a new universe



(This is not meant to freak anyone out, or entice anyone to do anything possibly harmful to themselves or others, but I got caught up in the idea of a knife, the blade that creates, rather than destroys (maybe too much american psycho))

Aimee and I (she is distracted in every picture i took)
Aimee, Nova and I, Nova and her girl

Pictures later. Everyone else is posting, and i got ten mins till family guy. Partially i havent been posting because im not sure what to say and who to say it to. Life is confusing, good, but with some stress.

I got some cds this weekend, and its possible my cd player in my car wont work again. I tried to fix my computer and it didnt work.

I got to see aimee, and called gabs briefly. Hung out with nova and alexis and family. Took some family pics.



Dreams are odd, in them we see windows to things we never thought we would worry about, sometimes remember, glances partial views, stuggling for truth struggling for security, struggling for acceptance and love. I have dreamed of loss and of new accomplishments....I have woke sad, confused, hurt, comfortable, happy, loving.
I have seen people struggle in their dreams, cry out, long for safety, grab tighter, hug and kiss, pete used to eat in his sleep... zach use to twitch.
Sometimes things are beautiful sometimes we feel at home, accepted, sometimes we run, hide, scream, sometimes we worry its real, other times we wake and wish it had been.

Aight Sioux Falls, my pops, my step mom in a squad car, and my cousin melissa getting walked down the aisle at her wedding

UM Nova wrote me, thats awesome, I mean lots of people have been writing me and it gives me a small celebration in my soul eachtime, but nova wrote me and im pretty sure I owed her like two e mails so I felt bad but she didn't seem to care. Anyway I guess i will see her soon.
Also I will update soon
but she sent me this silly poem I wrote a long time ago, Im not sure when though, I feel like I should be able to place it but I dont remember, Also I think its funny how I use to refer to women I had crushes on as animals in poems, im fairly sure mouse, elephant and cow were all girls I had crushes on (cow being nikki and it had nothing to do with appearances in any of the cases I dont think just like inside jokes or things they had said to me clicked at some point.

anyway i think this poem might have gotten erased cuz i havent seen it in a long time so thanks to nova

Whether you're the walker with the crooked leg swing
Or the one who walks straight an old style king
Your knees will give out eventually
So whats the point of the act we've weaved?
The purposeful miscalculations the thoughtful deceit
Assuring you know yourself to your friends
Unsure what is you and where the cloak ends
------Born in a phase bring it to pass
Describe it as nothing
for you are but glass
See through and vulnerable
Strong in the soul
Forget we are birds run into windows
----I haven't seen your positivity in days
Haven't made that mouse joke in quite awhile
Hurt from cow almost forgotten
Elephant in style
--Funny the young one made you love her in a day
She like all the others
They all make you feel that way
Funny it's been 2 days and you can't even remember what she looks like
Just the connection and energy derived from the passion of her soul
The positivity as a goal
Of course
You're happy to pay the cost
An hour or 2 of dreams and a longing for 4 am love affair flings
She's gone, heart stings
--Sad but so wonderful
Who would dare to be so vulnerable who would choose?
Only those with nothing to lose or everything to give and I long to be one one day
That day so far away the day the world stops
---I wonder where Micah is today____
I wonder at which stop she got off and why I didn't notice till now
Oh recount the days the love the play in your mind where only you speak the lines but in two voices as if both character's choices were the same and they never are_____
-----Dream always of touching truth expressing the beauty you know in your soul
Too bad you taint it
Too bad you only show its taintedness
--The only truth you could ever even tell is that love of god love of life and love of love itself but definitely not in a way people could understand (tell em to look in your eyes)
___ So listen to rent and watch Moulin Rouge learn to love life learn how not to confuse
Learn its ok to live the life of a man
Learn its ok to live long
Forget your selfish childhood dreams of dying while young a creator of beauty a soul who knew and expressed the beauty in words or in paint the love around them the sound the dance
Forget you would give it all to show the world you loved it
Live it
Give back to it in a small dose
A medicinal pill
A shot or a word
Could sooth the mildly ill
And probably fulfill your need for a thrill
Most definitely forget your love of women so much you want to be one and act like ruthless man
or don't and be happy without anyone who understands

Im gone this weekend, im also gone this weekend. I think this part of my life is very mountainous, very scenic, very beautiful, very dangerous, very scary, very high ups, very steep edges, a couple of fuckin downers that take your breath away.

Im sick of this, everything is awesome! FUCKIN A are things grande.

YOU take care of yourself and someone else. Peace and love and much respect to you all I think you are wonderful and want to see rainbows and sparkles and stars in your eyes shimmering lips dimpled cheeks high I want real smiles from all of you not that pencil inbetween your teeth fake dopamine booster shit but the real grins ear to ear. Thats right now go look in a mirror you are beautiful. Now go show the world and share em. I couldnt be happier with any of you, you never cease to amaze you wonder you beautiful fucking creatures I want pictures I want sunshine on your faces, I want joy tears in your eyes when you realize the world loves you. Here is my heart my soul my mind and body, here is my love my being my spirit my happiness. Here is everything you have given me if I could I'd multiply it by infinity and give you every bit back to wrap you in warmth in multicolored heart blankets.
Forgive me I dont know how best to love you, I dont know how to love myself without knowing you are there and so I must take you for granted, forgive me.
I love you all and im not saying this because anything is ending im saying this because Im sick of not loving purely. So for this minute its all just love. just love just love.
love
peace be with you I love you
-taff

the song eagan was playing the other day

"THERE IS A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT ~the smiths

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
And they're young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
Anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and I
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their
Home, and I'm welcome no more


And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine


Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought Oh God, my chance has come at last
(But then a strange fear gripped me and I
Just couldn't ask)


Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one, da ...
Oh, I haven't got one


And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine


Oh, There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out"

I worry, probably too much, probably over nothing, why would I ever stop?
I blame myself, probably too much, probably over nothing, why would I ever stop?
I care, probably too much, probably because I know its something, why would I ever stop?
I love, probably too much, probably because I know its something, why would I ever stop?

Oh what to say, what not to say...?

I might just vent about the stupid things in life right now, really only because im trying to concentrate on the much more important things...

three things im frustrated about

1) My computer isnt recognizing my external hard drive, which means i have limited access to my music, which is incredibly irritating, considering music is like oxygen.
2) I'm behind on reading, im not mad about this one, just wish it were easier to get caught up, so that i could be less worried about next week.
3) I dont know what to write about for the open mic, and don't know if I have anything to sing, or read from the past, and its thursday. Its not so bad if i dont do anything its just that it is always fun (even when i suck like last time)-words just arent coming to me, somewhat like this post, its just not flowing...

Three things I am happy about

1) Relationships, new and old
2) Ego trips (reluctantly) - people seem to like me, also krystin put up a verse of a song I wrote on her xanga, its nice that someone likes it...
3) The future seems bright despite the darkening sky.

I returned to 4B and upon entry heard eagan playing the most beautiful song. His voice strong, passionate yet bold. Guitar softly strummed releasing beautiful melody conveying the mood he stood facing the window, singing to the world, possibly taking the casual glance at his reflection and of those of the wid mouthed passerbys. I stood with my eyes closed, taking it in.
I thought about how much i wanted a video camera to be recording, fearing the loss of this moment, dreading it. When it ended I enthusiastically thanked him, I wonder if part of me only clapped because I selfishly wished he would play it again.
I did get follow up videos on my camera of the songs after, which are beautiful but nothing could compare to the grace of the first.

***************************************************************************


I skipped my first class, cleaning and reading, chatting it up about th beauty of sledding. The beauty of the metaphor as well.


Reviewing old material -I wish I wrote as I have before, where the rhythm sweeps me up and flowetry spreads gospel,


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



I got a little frustrated in a sort of selfish way that I cant seem to capture the beauty of certain people, not well enough with my camera, I'd spend hours taking pictures if people didnt get restless. I would follow them around all day, I wouldnt mind the extras either, the subtle beauty in each one, but still, please camera just one picture that shows exactly the fact that people's beauty cant be contained in 2d busting off the page, explosions with attitude and glamour, true heart sadness and inner warmth radiance. Please?


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I have been meaning to mention this: Laurel


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=



I am also pleased to bring you: Alexis

(I dont mean to self plug here - but uh "thanks" my egotistical side amuses)

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


I have been reading Laurel's stuff for a few weeks now and get excited for each new episode, and truthfully I dont know if I have ever been as excited for a new blog as with Alexis's, save possibly the exception of elizabeth but for the same reason creativity and excitement seem to come naturally to her and its beautiful to see people express themselves.



I only religiously check like 4 blogs now, down from like 10 but no one posts,and I have lost touch so...


#############################################################################

my fortune cookie laid down the law today, something about being cautious in my relationships, me thinks im not deemed fit, too overwhelming.



!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


and finally I failed Mike the rock today, not only did i sleep during the guys lecture for a bit but I decided it better to take a nap then to sleep to st cloud. so I couldnae conversate with he and emily.

The speech was good but nothing new, and I though im glad that someone says it for the sake of the new people I wondered how those who know feel about attending....




I could cry for love of the world, but instead I'll relax and smile for awhile

Been doing better. Lots of good things me thinks.

Dont really know what to say.
so uh
"DAY O He say day ay ay o
day light come man me wan go home"

Oh my god!! what is my deal? this is the second day in a row i have gotten no homework done. Its simply not cool. I sit here all night long listening to music and exploring facebook, my pics, e mails, poetry, art websites, funny websites, blogs and journals blah blah blah
I have a simple paper to write and cant work up the motivation. It sucks cuz i want to do fun things and i dont think i should unless i get something done...

other than that though, things may be better. Im worried about someone, Im excited to see Illy, I need to talk to gabs, I want to see my brothers and go out to eat with them, I want a social life, and I want to hang out with my friends new and old. I dont want to do homework, i dont want to be in school. I dont want to have to worry about events. I want to be eventless, so i can paint all night long and watch movies and rock out and have beautiful conversations with beautiful people. I want to take pictures of them and thank them.
I want to explore, I want to not be sick. I want to write poetry and have something to write. i want to do a radio show on KUMM
i want to start acting again, or doing improv or public freak outs or something creative I want to travel. I want to make up speeches and give them in front of audiences and have them take notes even though i am making up the info. I want relationships and i want freedom, I want love and support, and i want to give it, i want to dabble with things that arent okay for me to dabble with and test the waters limits and such.
I want the idea of fences to be a temporary thing.



I want to experience life, not have it happen while I hold back and cling to things i should do.
I dont want regrets. I dont want pain that diminishes my love. I want to love and love freely and openly. without worry of people getting hurt, without morals, I want the beauty of sharing wholeness, like carrying the bricks without the weight. I want the strength again to be nurturing. I crave beauty, excitement, wonder, extreme, happiness, joy, but also passion, animal like, filthy beautiful, music overwhelming, connectedness, rush of flowing waves, warmth with a breeze.

The epic battle between good and evil. Well kind of, i mean if evil uses a fork...








and some lyrics about happiness and joy (which im sure i have posted before)

Alegria
Come un lampo di vita
Alegria
Come un pazzo gridar
Alegria
Del delittuoso grido
Bella ruggente pena,
Seren
Come la rabbia di amar
Alegria
Come un assalto di gioia

Alegria
I see a spark of life shining
Alegria
I hear a young minstrel sing
Alegria
Beautiful roaring scream
Of joy and sorrow,
So extreme
There is a love in me raging
Alegria
A joyous,
Magical feeling

Alegria
Como la luz de la vida
Alegria
Como un payaso que grita
Alegria
Del estupendo grito
De la tristeza loca
Serena
Como la rabia de amar
Alegria
Como un asalto de felicidad

I hate the feeling of jealousy more than anything, well short of like rejection and loss, and maybe severe worry. but i mean of the things faced on a regular basis. I hate it because not only am I untrusting, not viewing the world positively, thinking bad thoughts, being negative etc. but also because knowing that im feeling those things makes me so mad at myself. So im sitting there pissed off at the world and equally pissed off at myself and for some reason cant stop. so much negativity wrapped around me like a blanket and it makes me warm with frustration and helps repeat the cycle.

(im mad at myself cuz i have no reason to be jealous, i shouldnt feel insecure i should praise and thank those for what they can offer)

_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)__)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)


im hanging out with alexis manana, i was looking forward to it immensely before this weekend and now im back in negativity but i have a counseling appointment tomorrowo and that usually makes me feel better, or like i can handle things.
so maybe it will be ok.
im not sure what she expects, i expect to try to sneak in some studying while we are hanging out and take some pictures. we discussed possibly getting our fortunes read, which is something i feel i been needing lately for some reason, a lack of illy in my life to tell me things are aight on a more spiritual plain i think.

*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*


I had a really good time at the bar the other night, possibly one of the first bar experiences i really enjoyed something about a band and a costume party.
i spent like 20$ and only had a coke. (i owed everyone drinks or money)
It made me really happy to hear krystin had a good time, and alicia too. I felt a little distracted like I wasnt being a good host sort of guy (for some reason i felt like that was my job) anyway it was the highlight of my weekend i think.

$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$__$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_

I went to the rfc the fitness center today and went through one of my at the drive in cds twice while doing some power walking type treadmill work.
calories dont come off easy when u are trying but i think since we are constantly burning them doing normal activities as well, it will be ok. Im not sure it will happen but im trying to tell myself that i will go three times a week from now on. So that im in shape for traveling. walk the hills without leg and backpain.
I wouldnt want to hold the girl back, complaining and such.
oh by the way i only went like a little over 3.5 miles. so thats not great, but its a good start considering i never exercise.
and getting off treadmills is fun, cuz walking seems so easy and free afterwards.


!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!

today in my history class i think i got cocky. I didnt mean too. I tend to feel like i have some extra sources in that class, or some extra experience, but i dont really think of myself as smarter by any means, but then someone will say something and i feel the need to correct them like its my place which it certainly isnt. I drew a pirate girl today in honor of laurel our floor pirate/ RA but i didnt have the guts to give it to her.

#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#

I had a talk with eagan last night. He said he had love for me in a very connected type way. we talked a lot about love and its many forms as well as the perversions of beautiful things, such as pornography. But my state was loneliness before the convo and this i felt like we were doing that thing little kids do where they talk in monologues to eachother rather than have conversations. (we werent but i felt like it)

I of course dont know the order here, more photos to come (the adventures of the pumpkin man?)
anyway um Kelsey Our cow girl from first year (she milks cows, and goes to willmar now) It had been so long since i had seen her it was great.
Uh eva with short hair (sad, but it looked good)
Me and the b day girl, she was taking down tequila sunrises with a passion
Ashley and I, notice she is keeping her distance (a little weary of park boys?)
and Alexis with her one of her prize winning costumes (she designed her friends to be the cast of clue) anyway.
yeah

Anyway have fun. Sorry about the post above this... (which i havent written yet but i know will be depressing again.