I've been at Blue Moon for about 7 hours. I spent about 5 hours trying to write a comprehensive understanding of my history and perception around race, ethnicity and racism.
After 5 hours I realized this would be a much longer process and it should be broken down in parts. I have a good start though. Like with many things, right now I feel a strong flourishing of understanding and growth. It feels good to explore with the students, with friends and acquaintances. Last year felt pretty stressful and blah... maybe this year will turn that way again...but right now I feel in the zone.
We are starting the second round of donations this weekend...
Like tomorrow and Monday.
I had a list of like 12 things I wanted to do, and I m readily checking them off the list.
I updated some websites, did some reading, went to the bank, did a training at work, did some writing and have seen a few folks. I told my dad about the possible baby thing, which had been weighing on me.
Jess had a baby, thus she had to cancel seeing a movie with me. Lacey also had to cancel. My Grandma is moving next weekend.
I sure do write and erase a lot of shit.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
okcupid jerk
So, I am on okcupid again, because Jared told me I should be.
I made a genuine effort for a few days, but lately I have switched back into old habits.
As I have stated before, okcupid makes me feel super shallow... both when I think about the people I am searching through, and also when I think about myself. Like I message people, they don't respond, I feel bad about myself. People message me, I dont respond or I do, but not necessarily with interest, I feel bad.
So this woman messaged me, basically just saying "hi" and the site told me she had visited me before. I think the personality questions have pegged us at being fairly similar. She made the move, and then when I went on today she actually initiated the chat function.
So the thing about this woman is that she is a little person. I am not necessarily attracted to her physically but then there is also the fact that she is a little person. And she says Hi, and I say hi back, she flatters me, after all no one else has actually ever tried to chat with me, and beyond that she is really open and perhaps a little "forward" though I take it as a compliment. I am impressed with her courage, I am impressed with her humor and I am interested in many of the same things she is. Eventually she asks about whether we can skype, she says it was nice that I even responded and I this whole time I am thinking, I am interested in this woman's life, her experiences, but she wants to be my girlfriend and I am not interested in her in that way. Eventually I start to feel really conflicted like I am leading her on. And the whole thing seems conceited because in so many ways I think this woman has more of a handle on her life and what she wants and knows how to get it, then I can even imagine. I am almost intimidated by her level of confidence, but then this is still my ableism showing right? (like deep inside me, there is something saying she shouldn't be... right?) so... eventually she asks if she has scared me away, and I tell her I think am one of those guys that frustrates her because she has (in her words) "all the good qualities that would make a great girl friend" but I am imagining the hangups caused by my shallowness. She tells me its my loss, and everything in me thinks, how true that statement is.
Part of me wants to defend myself with other comparisons, the friends I have rejected, the parts of myself I have rejected. Its not like I am only shying away from this one person, I am shutting myself off from all sorts of possibilities... someone recently referred to it as learning to know what you actually are interested in (perhaps), neurologically they call it neural pruning, like you are cutting away the unnecessary or unused portions of your brain, but thats my loss isn't it? I'm losing either way...
I can spend my time recognizing that I don't want to spend my time on ventures that don't lead to my happiness, and yet, so much of my happiness has been brought about by the unexpected.
This issue really does take up all my time. I know what I enjoy, I enjoyed talking to this woman, thinking about her, wondering about her perspective, but I felt like I was leading her on either way.
okcupid jerk, more like a no win situation. I hope she continues to be confident and outgoing in the way I typically only fantasize about. I hope she finds the guy she can be good to, and who can be good to her.
and maybe I can find that too, but who knows.
I made a genuine effort for a few days, but lately I have switched back into old habits.
As I have stated before, okcupid makes me feel super shallow... both when I think about the people I am searching through, and also when I think about myself. Like I message people, they don't respond, I feel bad about myself. People message me, I dont respond or I do, but not necessarily with interest, I feel bad.
So this woman messaged me, basically just saying "hi" and the site told me she had visited me before. I think the personality questions have pegged us at being fairly similar. She made the move, and then when I went on today she actually initiated the chat function.
So the thing about this woman is that she is a little person. I am not necessarily attracted to her physically but then there is also the fact that she is a little person. And she says Hi, and I say hi back, she flatters me, after all no one else has actually ever tried to chat with me, and beyond that she is really open and perhaps a little "forward" though I take it as a compliment. I am impressed with her courage, I am impressed with her humor and I am interested in many of the same things she is. Eventually she asks about whether we can skype, she says it was nice that I even responded and I this whole time I am thinking, I am interested in this woman's life, her experiences, but she wants to be my girlfriend and I am not interested in her in that way. Eventually I start to feel really conflicted like I am leading her on. And the whole thing seems conceited because in so many ways I think this woman has more of a handle on her life and what she wants and knows how to get it, then I can even imagine. I am almost intimidated by her level of confidence, but then this is still my ableism showing right? (like deep inside me, there is something saying she shouldn't be... right?) so... eventually she asks if she has scared me away, and I tell her I think am one of those guys that frustrates her because she has (in her words) "all the good qualities that would make a great girl friend" but I am imagining the hangups caused by my shallowness. She tells me its my loss, and everything in me thinks, how true that statement is.
Part of me wants to defend myself with other comparisons, the friends I have rejected, the parts of myself I have rejected. Its not like I am only shying away from this one person, I am shutting myself off from all sorts of possibilities... someone recently referred to it as learning to know what you actually are interested in (perhaps), neurologically they call it neural pruning, like you are cutting away the unnecessary or unused portions of your brain, but thats my loss isn't it? I'm losing either way...
I can spend my time recognizing that I don't want to spend my time on ventures that don't lead to my happiness, and yet, so much of my happiness has been brought about by the unexpected.
This issue really does take up all my time. I know what I enjoy, I enjoyed talking to this woman, thinking about her, wondering about her perspective, but I felt like I was leading her on either way.
okcupid jerk, more like a no win situation. I hope she continues to be confident and outgoing in the way I typically only fantasize about. I hope she finds the guy she can be good to, and who can be good to her.
and maybe I can find that too, but who knows.
Friday, September 14, 2012
What drives you?
I'm a magician, yes, I create imagery and fantasy, there's no denying, but what to do with a snap shot in time, a smirk or gesture captured, some set intentionally on display like a theater backdrop projecting simultaneously the wonder of all images and yet not too disturbing a sensation, a muted beauty. This is my selection a thousand 2 dimensional mannequins to project upon, with faces similar to all human faces, I categorize based on the memories of the loved, the memories of swapping testaments to personalities, sometimes while in motion, tears, the memories of smiles and laughter, gossip and existential theories, sometimes bandaging wounds and sometimes ripping them open, I graft them to these wannabe models these blank canvas, these aliens. I graft them so precisely that its hard to see the lines where once there was unknown, blended concealer, here is an afterthought, here is a conquistador's adventure, here is a quick dismissal, here is a game-ender, here is a clown's ambition, here is a wounded warrior and somewhere here is a true beauty.
I have found myself having trouble in my admiration. When I am with certain people, I find cute moments attractive, I find innocent moments attractive, I find intelligent moments attractive, I find funny moments attractive, I find sad moments attractive and sometimes even dramatic moments attractive. In the moment I can recognize the root sensation, something like "wow that is fascinating" but my head reads that statement with whatever visual and non visual cues as attraction, as beauty almost like physical beauty regardless of the visual at the time... its sort of fascinating, but I worry it sends the wrong signal. If my response to every stimuli is "beautiful" or "pretty" or whatever, am I reducing that person to a magazine ad? a work of art? a flower arrangement? when what I mean somewhere underneath is how majestic, how cosmic, how overpowering... and if I compare the variables in flux, the shifting landscapes, starscapes, the biomes within and without, the fated and well-met, the Celestine spirit the tao between the miraculous to this, me sitting with you, enjoying, does it prop you up a pedestal higher, based solely on my desire and create an imbalance where there shouldn't be.
A few weeks ago when I was reading that book about Men and Masculinity, the author wrote about how some men, or perhaps all men, can sometimes feel attraction and desire as a painful experience. Like a physically or perhaps psychically- somatized painful experience. I wonder if other people feel that. Sometimes I do, sometimes its like a drug that I have a hard time removing myself from, like just one more please, sometimes like a thirst that I can't quench.Sometimes it aches in my heart, my joints hurt, can't breathe, sometimes my stomach caves in.
Becky asked me if the relationship we had was unfair in essence because she went on with her life while I was expected to be ready for her return (whenever she wasn't in a relationship). Aren't all my relationships like that? Isn't it somewhat natural for a mixed gender (heterosexual) friendship to have elements of it? Anyway, I wonder if my desire to be in the presence of some people is entirely based on my addiction to my attraction for them. Like it doesn't matter how brutal the relationship is, I need my fix. Especially when all these other things boil down in my brain as attraction, a joke attraction, a thoughtful comment attraction, an uncommon gesture attraction.
I think this is one of the things that I worry about, at my root. I think I worry I will hurt people, do the wrong thing, be a monster because of this weird reduction of a vast quantity of sensory experiences to just one, and one that drives me, allows me to be reckless abusive and violent, panicked and sick, submissive and abused, manipulated and strung along, like an innocent, like an animal, like a monster, like an angel.
The Iliad is the story of nations going to war over attraction and the natural (read masculine) pride that accompanies it. They were adults right?
But this is more like a teenager, the star crossed teen angst, the suicidal and chaotic.
I've spent my time in repentance, almost all of it, a monk or the voyeur, in fear of the conquistador.
Because
I have found myself having trouble in my admiration. When I am with certain people, I find cute moments attractive, I find innocent moments attractive, I find intelligent moments attractive, I find funny moments attractive, I find sad moments attractive and sometimes even dramatic moments attractive. In the moment I can recognize the root sensation, something like "wow that is fascinating" but my head reads that statement with whatever visual and non visual cues as attraction, as beauty almost like physical beauty regardless of the visual at the time... its sort of fascinating, but I worry it sends the wrong signal. If my response to every stimuli is "beautiful" or "pretty" or whatever, am I reducing that person to a magazine ad? a work of art? a flower arrangement? when what I mean somewhere underneath is how majestic, how cosmic, how overpowering... and if I compare the variables in flux, the shifting landscapes, starscapes, the biomes within and without, the fated and well-met, the Celestine spirit the tao between the miraculous to this, me sitting with you, enjoying, does it prop you up a pedestal higher, based solely on my desire and create an imbalance where there shouldn't be.
A few weeks ago when I was reading that book about Men and Masculinity, the author wrote about how some men, or perhaps all men, can sometimes feel attraction and desire as a painful experience. Like a physically or perhaps psychically- somatized painful experience. I wonder if other people feel that. Sometimes I do, sometimes its like a drug that I have a hard time removing myself from, like just one more please, sometimes like a thirst that I can't quench.Sometimes it aches in my heart, my joints hurt, can't breathe, sometimes my stomach caves in.
Becky asked me if the relationship we had was unfair in essence because she went on with her life while I was expected to be ready for her return (whenever she wasn't in a relationship). Aren't all my relationships like that? Isn't it somewhat natural for a mixed gender (heterosexual) friendship to have elements of it? Anyway, I wonder if my desire to be in the presence of some people is entirely based on my addiction to my attraction for them. Like it doesn't matter how brutal the relationship is, I need my fix. Especially when all these other things boil down in my brain as attraction, a joke attraction, a thoughtful comment attraction, an uncommon gesture attraction.
I think this is one of the things that I worry about, at my root. I think I worry I will hurt people, do the wrong thing, be a monster because of this weird reduction of a vast quantity of sensory experiences to just one, and one that drives me, allows me to be reckless abusive and violent, panicked and sick, submissive and abused, manipulated and strung along, like an innocent, like an animal, like a monster, like an angel.
The Iliad is the story of nations going to war over attraction and the natural (read masculine) pride that accompanies it. They were adults right?
But this is more like a teenager, the star crossed teen angst, the suicidal and chaotic.
I've spent my time in repentance, almost all of it, a monk or the voyeur, in fear of the conquistador.
Because
I once had a nightmare about the things inside me meshing
with the things inside someone else.
No, that isn’t right, the things inside me twisting in their
yearning like snakes, they exited from the unclenched and vulnerable areas of
my skin, and tangled their way into the comfort of another.
And when I am near you, sometimes the yearning is the same,
it’s palpable, I can see it, especially within a close distance. It’s like our
magnetic shields incorporate each other, and I am pulled near,
I would say its almost violent, the way it grabs me. Latches
on and won’t let go, like your every move becomes my essence, even if we aren’t
enmeshed, your jokes, your thoughts, your glimmering eyes and smile. I stop
being able to see anything but beautiful, even in the awful.
Its awful, I can’t seem to hold things against you, I forget
so easily the wounds and repercussions, because though I am drawn in,
Sometimes, I think you, are repelled.
and is this the natural way, I wonder to myself while looking at photos. Those of the loves I know, and those of the loves I wonder if I will one day meet.
Saturday, September 08, 2012
Wavering
So I am not a biological father yet. That was some news today. I can't say I have strong emotions one way or the other, I was sort of expecting this, at least the first time.
My afternoon plans were cancelled so I am waiting for my evening plans to come around.
Did some reading on development of racial identity and I find it sort of fascinating but want to talk to someone about it. Want to continue to explore these topics with people, but it feels so risky to do in our society. I am always amazed by people who walk through the societal norms without thinking about it, but in many ways I think that requires someone who is not afraid to make a fool of themselves... and though I do, frequently, I fear it as well. The book I am having my students read in our advisory class talks about divisions of race and ethnicity within high school. It will be interesting to see what comes up in discussions... who will talk?
But I was also thinking about how glad I am to have been reading more diverse histories of the americas... it allows me to sprinkle in positive images of different groups of people who are normally excluded or dismissed within text books.
Always a challenge to recognize and reflect on the taboo.
SoT is sort of starting up again in the next few weeks... It will be interesting to see if we can put something more sustainable together. Recognize the actual capacity and actual needs of the community.
I am really not sure what kind of energy I have right now. I feel simultaneously intrigued by new faces and desirous of people, and also totally shy and disinterested. Its bizarre.
Before she left Becky implied that I had changes a lot from who she knew in college. I think that is partially true... in some ways met my capacity, in some ways exposed to a larger more spread out crowd, in some ways more invested in specific aspects of my life like work, but also more and less confident. More confident in handling things, less confident in exploring new people.
My afternoon plans were cancelled so I am waiting for my evening plans to come around.
Did some reading on development of racial identity and I find it sort of fascinating but want to talk to someone about it. Want to continue to explore these topics with people, but it feels so risky to do in our society. I am always amazed by people who walk through the societal norms without thinking about it, but in many ways I think that requires someone who is not afraid to make a fool of themselves... and though I do, frequently, I fear it as well. The book I am having my students read in our advisory class talks about divisions of race and ethnicity within high school. It will be interesting to see what comes up in discussions... who will talk?
But I was also thinking about how glad I am to have been reading more diverse histories of the americas... it allows me to sprinkle in positive images of different groups of people who are normally excluded or dismissed within text books.
Always a challenge to recognize and reflect on the taboo.
SoT is sort of starting up again in the next few weeks... It will be interesting to see if we can put something more sustainable together. Recognize the actual capacity and actual needs of the community.
I am really not sure what kind of energy I have right now. I feel simultaneously intrigued by new faces and desirous of people, and also totally shy and disinterested. Its bizarre.
Before she left Becky implied that I had changes a lot from who she knew in college. I think that is partially true... in some ways met my capacity, in some ways exposed to a larger more spread out crowd, in some ways more invested in specific aspects of my life like work, but also more and less confident. More confident in handling things, less confident in exploring new people.
Monday, September 03, 2012
Good day sunshine
Two cups of coffee was probably too much, hard to sit still.
I am headed to a movie soon with my brothers.
I spent a few hours with Steve listening to him tell about his bike trip from NY to DC. Inspiring. Spirited. Energizing.
I spent a few hours with Becky the other night and it felt like it should feel. She is leaving for England (probably right now), but I was glad to reconnect.
I spent a few hours with Lacey this weekend too, and it was nice to feel like our friendship hasn't disintegrated, which was kind of how I felt for the last few weeks... I just felt kind of like everyone had abandoned me or was too busy, or was in pursuit of their own possibilities. This feeling was both awful and sort of liberating and that has been an odd and uneasy tension in my life lately. All these transitions push me to pursue my own goals beyond the needs and whims of my friends, simultaneously I find it really hard to pursue my goals without a good understanding of who I am (with no one to reflect it back to me). So the reconnection with these friends this weekend was reassuring, at the same time, I was able to say to them YES I am pursuing new interests, new projects, new pursuits... and they were able to be happy for me.
This tension though is troubling in that I think it is in the way of healing one of the major issues in my life. I think I am afraid I will get stale again if I pursue the relationships that have been my pillars. So how do I find comfort, and comfort, but without losing touch of the new reality?
__________________________________________________________________
I rearranged my room, hung up some art, cleaned my closet, dusted. I have been working out (in a small way). I bought groceries and started eating slightly healthier. I went back to work and found a little purpose. I started planning a trip to South America. I read some books. I met some people. I got back on okcupid. I danced a little.
I have to go see my brothers.
I am headed to a movie soon with my brothers.
I spent a few hours with Steve listening to him tell about his bike trip from NY to DC. Inspiring. Spirited. Energizing.
I spent a few hours with Becky the other night and it felt like it should feel. She is leaving for England (probably right now), but I was glad to reconnect.
I spent a few hours with Lacey this weekend too, and it was nice to feel like our friendship hasn't disintegrated, which was kind of how I felt for the last few weeks... I just felt kind of like everyone had abandoned me or was too busy, or was in pursuit of their own possibilities. This feeling was both awful and sort of liberating and that has been an odd and uneasy tension in my life lately. All these transitions push me to pursue my own goals beyond the needs and whims of my friends, simultaneously I find it really hard to pursue my goals without a good understanding of who I am (with no one to reflect it back to me). So the reconnection with these friends this weekend was reassuring, at the same time, I was able to say to them YES I am pursuing new interests, new projects, new pursuits... and they were able to be happy for me.
This tension though is troubling in that I think it is in the way of healing one of the major issues in my life. I think I am afraid I will get stale again if I pursue the relationships that have been my pillars. So how do I find comfort, and comfort, but without losing touch of the new reality?
__________________________________________________________________
I rearranged my room, hung up some art, cleaned my closet, dusted. I have been working out (in a small way). I bought groceries and started eating slightly healthier. I went back to work and found a little purpose. I started planning a trip to South America. I read some books. I met some people. I got back on okcupid. I danced a little.
I have to go see my brothers.
Saturday, September 01, 2012
Christ lives here
Christ the girl (our new roommate).
Having one of those nights where I want to be angry and calm simultaneously. I feel misrepresented and I don't know who is to blame.
That is not what I wanted to write about though. Now I can't remember what it was I wanted to write about.
I wish there were an easier way to say to a person that you were feeling they were being clingy. Not only is it an anxiety producing comment, but it possibly even worsens the situation they are already in.
Having one of those nights where I want to be angry and calm simultaneously. I feel misrepresented and I don't know who is to blame.
That is not what I wanted to write about though. Now I can't remember what it was I wanted to write about.
I wish there were an easier way to say to a person that you were feeling they were being clingy. Not only is it an anxiety producing comment, but it possibly even worsens the situation they are already in.