Rainbows

Lunch break from my last Saturday class woot!   Haven't had much time to write lately. A few months ago I finished a journal and atatted writing in a new one - but I don't like the feel of it.  I tried to write in a new form, a stream of consciousness without punctuation or true English grammar... The words come out and the paper is too light and it doesn't translate to quality on paper.    

I'm reading zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance... And I like it, but at times it moves a little slow for me,  or becomes a little too convoluted.  The character has a wealth of information he draws from, but doesn't explain the points well enough, makes casual references... Is in great need of an editor,  but that plays into the personality of the character so it feels like author choice- not bad writing.  Still annoying nonetheless.  I like the ideas presented but I get more out of reading zen or Taoist or Hindu poems/mantras than some of the metaphors he is creating to analyze... I feel like I relate to the charters background in that, but recognize he is trying to offer a new perspective through a different lens to an audience that doesn't understand those sources.   Anyway. Yesterday as I was reading ( and falling asleep at the coffee shop), there was a line concerning what the narrator calls gumption - regarding the word "enthusiasmos" the root of enthusiasm - meaning the god within you... And I think I have heard that before but it was a lovely touch up... It was like a nice rainbow.    Sometimes a word or a picture or a color is just right and it fits with what came before like a puzzle piece you didn't know you were missing... And maybe it wasn't that perfect - but maybe it just adds to the picture...  That's what that word feels like to me.  And I will probably forget it again... But I would like to live my life with enthusiasm as the people who inspire me do.

The Mid-April Review

So I am sitting at a coffee shop, preparing to write a draft of my final lesson plan for the TEFL program.
This week was difficult at work, I have been losing all my prep time to do testing. Its not necessarily that I can't do some easy prep work while monitoring but I can't run around the school, I can't do anything that makes a lot of noise, I have to prepare before hand what I am doing... so its easier to just plan the classes at home or in-between other things and read a good book while I am monitoring. The book I chose to read is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.  I am only about half way through, but I love it so far. I have a feeling the book is about to get a little uglier, but I really enjoy the ins and outs of the chautauqua. Another issue at work this week has been the preparation to leave. It seems like the majority of the staff is leaving (most likely), however people have different time frames. I am leaving first, which feels good to me, because I'm getting out of the daily pressure. The pressure builds and builds until everyone is crabby with secrets. On Thursday we dismissed the students early and talked about our game plan. It seems like a good plan, but like all things still has some kinks to be worked out. I am most worried about some of the students who have abandonment issues, or histories of self harm. Its not that we are their family, but we often operate as a surrogate, a safe place, and these kids are resilient, but we try to create a safe space where they can practice that healthily... this might be like pulling the rug out from underneath them.
I am not sure that I have felt all that successful at work lately.  I have 4 classes that are mine to create... the improv/theater class is going ok, but I am worried they won't have enough time for their projects. The world history class  has had good days and bad...but I have gotten into this terrible habit of just giving them a boring timeline of text and sharing important events from over thee years. No pictures, no videos, basic discussion...  US History is fine, we are headed into civil rights stuff next week. We have been covering WW II and the kids are sick of it. RYW (my advisory writing class) in some ways has gone the best. We have had a bunch of good writing topics, and its felt really positive and chill for the most part.
The school is packed right now, we have 50+ students if they all show up and the rooms are so full there isn't chairs for everyone. I don't mind standing for an hour, but that leads to me lecturing more than I want to.
 A couple of fun things we did this week (to celebrate the good?)
RYW:  "What is a chair?" discussion.  This is maybe one of my favorite critical thinking thought experiments ever, and as the trimester has gone on I realized I was missing some of these types of activities. It was Friday and I didn't have a plan, other than a free work day (they have essays due on the movie 42).  But the students voted for a thought experiment so... 
World History: Wednesday we looked at maps of the world with interesting topics, like which countries have McDonalds? Which countries has England invaded? etc... and the students also filled in their own maps.  Friday we played some geography games, geoguessr, sheppardsoftware, globetrotter xl. The students really enjoyed them.
World History: "Y2K"  I asked the students to visualize and write a hypothetical about what their day would be like if Y2K had happened. What would life be like?  Now we think of it as a joke, but a lot of people spent millions at the time to update computer systems. 
People class: this week we talked about LGBT timeline, homophobia and heterosexism, and the concept of marriage. Good discussions and a lot of minds blown.
US History: I am not sure to what extent students understood the comparisons we were making, and I don't want them to hate the US, but just to realize we aren't better or worse... just a global power desperate to keep it.   But we discussed internment, war crimes and the ways the US benefited from WWII and the Cold War. One of my students said we were fighting the bad guys, and I asked him what made them bad and us good?   Just calling the propaganda into question lead to a lot of insight in the class.
Another issue this week is that one of my coworkers had a grandparent pass away and was having a lot of difficulties with her family. We try to keep shit separate as we can, but since we give so much to the place it also tends to mean we cant keep our own chaos from affecting the other staff or the program. My coworker will be out for the next few days for the funeral, which means we will be covering all of her classes. Its these little things that get us further behind on all the little shit we aren't keeping up with. For example I can't monitor testing when I have to cover her class.

I sent my passport off in the mail. I have tickets. I have done my taxes. I am looking into insurance and other financial matters. I am packing up my shit and cleaning my room. I am trying to organize things like addresses and passwords. I am excited and terrified and anxious and totally overwhelmed with waiting.

I really want my TEFL program to hurry up and get done... I like working with the students and get the most from the hands on experience, but we don't get enough time in the classroom -teaching. Much of it is observing our classmates, which is fine, but I observe my coworkers daily, so I have seen a lot of teaching techniques.

Mike listening to You and the Sound

Notice my short hair (natural blond highlights starting to kick in), notice my shaved face.
Victoria said I looked really young this week, to which I replied "I am so old" a statement that felt true a the time. I reflected on it on the way to observation, how I am quite young -as in, I don't know how to properly quit a job, don't know professional skills like writing emails, or scheduling meetings with people in other buildings, feel nervous about such things. I am young as in, I am hopeful, I am optimistic and have faith that things will work out. I don't know hardship, not really, I am innocent. I am old, as in worn out, overwhelmed with too much worry, so much burden holding on to others bullshit, their emotions, their drama, their expectations fears and paranoia. I am too involved and not involved enough because I am too old to be involved. I am rational and meticulous about too many things, and not the right things, but the things of habit. I am comfortable screwing up, and don't care "too much" because why do I need to impress?   I am too young, because I am easily influenced, I am easily won over, I have a hard time saying NO, I have a hard time standing for myself legitimately, I have a desire to impress, I have a desire to be seen, recognized, praised. I am too old because I have lived lifetimes of this, took on the burden of ghosts and spirits, of thought experiments and dreams, I am weighed down with the mass of stars, I am picky to a fault because I have experienced.


That's what I was initially thinking.  Then I thought about how I was a germaphobe because in so many of my past lives I died of disease. So anti-violence, because I died a bystander casualty of combat, seek justice and recognition for the underdog because I died a misunderstood death. 
All these things also happened in my short time here, but its just as easy to point to human history and claim it... and really isn't it true. What is a human?


A dream:

msmhsjsbwt circle entities

Tonight rather than do any of my homework (2 page reflection due tomorrow, final lesson plan due friday), I talked to some friends and watched stupid videos, and reread old poetry from high school and played around recording some of it.  I was thinking the quieter lonelier part of my night will be what my life is like if I stay abroad.  For some reason, I imagine I won't have a roommate... I see myself sitting on a mattress in a poorly decorated small apartment,  the only decorations will be stuff I have collected, charcoal and water color pictures I have done. I will sit there, playing a ukelele or a guitar I purchase. I will be strumming tunes poorly and singing or rapping old poems and songs. I will be desperately trying to stay busy, while purposely seeking to not be busy.  I will mess around in my own head and scribble increasingly insane notes, some of which I will scrawl on facebook and this here blog so as to document the deterioration. I will show up to work, whatever that looks like, determined and smiling to not let the mask slip, because it will be the only part of my day where human connection is demanded, and not a favor I do myself. Each night I will slip back into my craze, reading religious texts and science fiction. Planning futures and pasts.  I will be intruded upon by memories and feelings, and thoughts that I did not invite, that smack me around and call me back, anchors imbedded in my skull that once felt like hugs and now blunt trauma, and some days hugs, and some days I will allow them to pound me to sleep, fetal position, stained pillow.  I will wake up feeling drained and use this robot body to propel me through the day, I'll make some comment and someone will question in just the right way,  I'll spoon feed them my heart at first, a taste to see their reaction, and then when they seem satisfied I'll pour. Deluge, like the damned child I am.  As they disappear, I'll reconsider, buy a new suit and get into a new routine. I'll force feed myself nutrition. Shave my brazen face. Collect the soaked fragments, piece them back together, and change my salty pillow! The treasures will be stored somewhere, but nearby, a drawer, a cabinet, a dented box over expanded, easily accessible but no one will access them. I'll rededicate myself to the other, and people will wonder at my wisdom, call me an old soul, call me caring, call me.  And I'll answer, having taken the time to find who resides in my body.

Today

In my 15 minute extra snooze this morning I dreamt I was hanging with a friend and her husband,  they were annoyed with me and I was annoyed with them, but we were hanging last minute before they left for Paris and I left for my future... When my friend suddenly freaked out that she didn't have her birth control,  I woke up soon after and thought that seemed an off thing to dream. 

There is a nice you lady in my program who looks me in the eye and makes reasons to sit around and talk,  she asks me what I'm doing tonight even though  she has plans as if to say but I'd like it if you asked me to make plans... Or maybe I'm reading into it too much.   I'm leaving in two months.   She's gonna live in Japan some day.  

I've spent almost 2 years now with one foot in and one foot out. I am eager and ready to go. 
I dislike all the little things in my way. Immunizations and passports and bank accounts and certificates, tickets and storage, insurance and backup plans.

I have whittled away my relationships and responsibilities to people. 
I have strived to change aspects of myself, round edges and smooth the jagged bits. 
I have pushed myself to grow courage, patience and act the part even when I am not confident. 
I have given up a lot of stuff, disentangled myself from attachments.
And it has left me with a sort of feeling, that I am less, until I do more.
It feels perilous, I am off kilter, and if I suddenly needed to stay, I'd need a new anchor to hold me, give me purpose. 

Some of it is intentional, some has been done for me, and some has been subconscious, but my assessment of myself is that I do not feel called here anymore. 
Half my heart is gone already.