I think my shirt smells


I had a dream about a baby last night, later it turned into a kitten.   Is it just a Christmas dream or is one of yall preggers?

Headed to my moms for Christmas afternoon. Didn't do a good job with presents, feeling kind of weird about it.

Supposed to see like 4-5 people in the next few days, we shall see.

Oh so tired...

Sorry about the bad breath Katie S, everyone seems to be a close talker lately. 

I am exhausted, I didn't get much sleep this weekend. Staying up late and waking up early... my normal time to recuperate was  not satisfied.  I was feeling it today, after school I felt like I could fall asleep at our after school meeting.

Everything has been tense and hectic, like a potential fight around each corner at work. 

Its mirrored in the staff, which is sad and not going to work, the 4 of us just work too well together to be hindered... and we all resent it.

SoT is going well, we all finally sat down for our leadership council to talk through what exactly the council is for, what we are responsible for and why these jobs need to get done. There is no way we will pick up all the pieces of what a paid organizer could do... but we will try to get some structure in place.

I am in charge of social media, outreach through it, training people into using it, and keeping things up to date. 

I may have to start bringing my laptop to meetings so I can change things on the spot.

When I got home last night an old friend of a friend was here. It was really nice to see him. Hes still hilarious and goofy and kind of brilliant in a way that doesn't create a hierarchy. Anyway it was nice to recognize the existence in the flesh of a person that I sometimes wonder about.

Listening to Spirits of the Red City.  Wondering who my next crush should be. 

I wonder how often i mention crushes in conjunction with that band... like the ratio has got to be like 3/5 of the time. Funny I don even know em.

Work is so weird... its like you work and work and work and hope that things get better but they just get harder. When you do too much the students do too little, when they don't do enough you have to be more strict about what is acceptable. 

I have a speaker coming tomorrow and its making me nervous. Its the last day of classes and one of them I am completely unprepared for. I told the students they all had to do a graphic novel (minimum one page), I tend to do one too, but my perfectionism is getting in my way. Whenever I do projects I try to show students an example of the kind of quality I am looking for... but sometimes I am just not feeling it.

I think its so weird... being exhausted at work... being totally stressed out, you would think I'd be preparing to relax over break... but today I started plotting different projects that I wanted to get done for work... like familiarizing myself with dreamweaver the software for the webpage, and finding someone to write a newsletter as an internship. 

These are the kind of projects that make me feel like I accomplished something more than just the bare minimum... and lately I feel like we are barely getting by.

I'm sort of frustrated because there are these friends that have asked me to check in with them more often, but when I do I don't always get great responses... I don't always get responses at all. They say they miss me and want to be closer, but seem to be asking me to move in their direction instead of meeting together. 

Really hard to know where to put the little amount of energy I have.

Laurel's retirement party was probably the best party I have ever been to. 

I even talked to mr King, which is weird because I was under the impression we were going to ignore each others' presence for the rest of our lives. 

Maybe Emily will come teach Japanese and I can invite one of our old students to come in and act as an assistant. We need more positive influence around school. 

but yeah I am looking forward to a break...  I want to read and draw, and write and feel like I can write...

I want to see some folks, play some games, feel like I have some energy and sleep... sleep and dream a whole bunch. 

Sleep alone...

I need to learn how to be ok with not controlling everything. This is like one of the themes of my life.
Its hard though, when I was younger I felt like everything was so out of control that I had to put it back together. Then as a teenager when things were out of control I tried to gain control by hurting myself. Then as a traveler I tried to realize that I didn't have control -so I needed to be able to rely on the smallest things and trust in the universe... and then in college and summer jobs I realized by trying really hard I could control my surroundings and that people responded rather positively to me trying to take control.
As a teacher I am told that i must control a classroom. That if things are out of control it is my fault. Also that if students fail it is probably likely due to me as well... and when staff fail that's my fault too. So I have to have control over those things...Or when I invite speakers in and it doesn't go according to my expectations that of course is my fault... and when there are problems in my family that of course is my fault... and when I am too overwhelmed to deal with my friends that is my fault, and when my friends are too overwhelmed that of course is my fault, and when I like someone that is my fault (and they don't like me), and when someone likes me (and I don't like them) that is my fault.   

So much desire for control...
my dreams lash out sometimes... that's part of why I love them.
In them I sometimes act on the things I know I wouldn't actually act on... but even there I have the desire to control.

I dunno... maybe I need a bit more Taoism, or Buddhism, a little more go with the flow, a little more don't attach to the material.

Probably need to take a break from all the being in charge stuff... winter break is only a week away.

http://clickflashwhirr.me/



The human face is so interesting. In some ways it doesn't even look like her at times.

Saw the Muppet movie tonight with Alicia, and it lived up to expectations.
I feel like I have a lot on my plate right now between work and SoT and friends and roommates. I don't really want to drop the ball on any of it, but its also like 11:30 and I want some me time. I am hoping tomorrow I can take some time to do some writing or thinking or something.

Just found these guys, I like it.
The first is rather touching, a piece from Les Miserables a very touching song in itself, but there is something to the idea of a soldier coming home that makes it a little more momentous.
We had a soldier in our office today in uniform. Automatically there is a weird touch to the air when someone is in uniform. Its all the heaviness it caries with it.



This is a song we used to sing in jr high choir.
I always regret not taking that more seriously. I can't even remember which songs I had solos on anymore. I wonder if this was one of them.




I hope you are doing well. I am thinking of many people right now. Also spending a lot of time meditating.

Whats it been a week?

I woke up to snow and the sun setting at 4:30 PM
Saturdays are my only day to sleep in and clearly I took advantage of it.
Funny now its 12:37 AM and I am ready for bed so I must have needed it.

Life has been
work: going well
SoT: also going well
Close friends and roommates: going well but not satisfied.

and them's the breaks.


I like that someone I was having a dream about visited this site at roughly the same time, that's just funny.
I was explaining to a group of people in the dream that I hadn't had sex in 5 years.
They seemed alarmed and bewildered.

When I am older I will likely look back on this time of my life as a strange lull in that department... or the beginning of my being a monk.

There was a scene in the movie I just watched where a young teenager is basically offered sex by his female friend. She is waiting naked for him, and he puts his face in his hands and is totally uncomfortable.

I feel like that is how I would respond right now to any situation in which that sort of thing was involved and yet my fantasy life is abundant.

-in the morning the female character sort of thanks him and asks him not to tell anyone.

One thing I do not appreciate about my job is that it is so demanding that I regularly feel disconnected from my center.   Somewhere around 1 AM this morning I started feeling really truthful, not overwhelmed with emotion, not separate, but somewhere in the balance between creative and inspired, motivated, logical and yet able to emote... I wanted to paint and appreciate but felt I didn't have enough time, because 1 am means bed time soon... but I wished that that feeling would come more often. Sometimes it feels like months in-between spurts.

Earlier this year I told one of our administrators that 95 % of the time I love my job.  I think that's mostly true, but sometimes I wonder what else I could be doing that would feel fulfilling. Would working with adults help? Would being in administration? Would fishing off a beach in Uruguay make the difference? Would switching to a 4 day week help? Should I take on less classes instead of more?

I get bored with the same old routines and yet maybe I need to focus more on me. 

I have been thinking about how I haven't really exercised since some time this summer and even then it was like going for a walk.

I don't really take the time to take care of myself.  I need to start obligating myself to things.

An art class or a writing class, or an exercise routine. 

Nona Marie and the Choir

Have I ever mentioned to you how good Nona's covers are?

Classic Plank

Superwoman

Plane

Mummy

3 updates and a note

The reconciliation process has begun, I think. Trying to be careful not to give in to my ever forgiving personality, and stay true to the pieces of real hurt.

Teaching 4 classes during interim: Improv, Logic, History through Graphic Novels, Struggle & Occupy (an updated history of MN activism).

Looking forward to graphic novels the least. I'm co-teaching Logic with the math teacher, should be interesting. I think he is thinking of logical progressions in  math, what is missing from this equation?  How do these elements interact to give you the missing portion? Where as I am thinking of logic from the argumentation point of view... So the trick will be creating that link, what is the missing premise to this argument? How do these elements interact to give you a logical argument?

There are soft warm places in your heart that can be easily and not so easily opened, discovered, but not always easy to recreate, not ever easy to live without again. 

*The note* Joanna Newsom is doing a good job of melodically touching the notes of warmth, but still not the multi-sensory experience I was looking for.

Somebody in Russia keeps checking out my blogs. That is very flattering, but I don't write enough to keep ya entertained like that. Especially not that poetry blog, which hasn't been updated in 6 months. You might want to try subscribing, so you get updates instead of having to check it all the time. 

I only know one person in Russia right now, I am guessing it is not you. 

But thanks for the interest. 

Did a bunch of Spirit of Truth stuff this weekend, new leadership council is forming and running into the same old problems. It is fun but will be a challenge. 

Yesterday I broke down and cried during a few songs in church. Specifically we were singing "Turn Turn Turn" by the Byrds and there were some lines that made me all emotional. Hard for me to recognize the good in "the time for" negative seeming things. Still the time to refrain from embracing, surely does cause a need to embrace elsewhere... and I am glad that this has allowed me the tiniest bit of recognition of my other friends, who I  push away too quickly. 

I slept like I had been infused with coffee before falling asleep. I was having some dramatic dream when my alarm went off, action packed climax was about to occur and then was lost forever. 

My horoscope said that I would be disheartened and should look for diversions today. 

Right from the moment of waking.

I haven't listened to any Mars Volta in months.... still so good.

I'm trying to write this letter to this supposed best friend of mine who I feel totally abandoned and neglected by... and I have such a hard time because I feel like I can't even be openly angry, I can't defend myself and I hate that I've been put in this position...
Like why do I feel like the bad guy for wanting someone to show me the tiniest amount of dignity?
It like makes me hate myself on another level,

like not only am I not worth caring about, but I'm not worth standing up for, and I'm heartbroken and furious at both of us for believing it.

Movie was fantastic... you know what else was good?

So down to the right there, I have a list of other peoples' blogs. Adrianne is someone who I have followed for years (or did), I basically read about this woman's life, read her fantasies, her memories, her goals, and about her day. I learned about her friends in college, I started reading their blogs and then their friends too... I did this all throughout college and a little beyond. I also bought her book of poetry and loved it. But I never hung out with Adrianne, not really. I mean I went to some events that she also attended, but tonight I was in her car, hearing about her love of Twilight, her relationship, her flings ... in person. 

That was really nice.

Don't get me wrong, as obsessive as this seems... I actually just really thought she was talented and interesting and cool. I never thought of her as a friend (not really), no crush, no fantasies, just a person out there living a fascinating life and tonight we crossed paths. I didn't think it meant anything to me until I thought about how much I knew about her and how little she knew of me... and then I realized how creepy I am, but also it felt nice to sit next to her in a theater as if I had really known her all these years.Like we were friends.

Gonna go see twilight with high school friends. 

A student was describing his life and family situation today and I teared up or wanted to. I forget sometimes the ridiculous things they go through, the abuse, neglect and shame. 

Its hard to recognize just how different our lives can be...

Sometimes its easier to believe they are lying, after all they lie all the time, whats to distinguish this statement from the next? Never knowing whats true, you tend to take everything with skepticism... but some stories come too easily, and are too awful  to make up... or sometimes like with another student today, its cuz they don't want to say a damn thing about it with you but certain words cause tears to roll down their cheeks... and they look at you through those wet eyes like you're not saying anything but also like they can't wait for you to shut the fuck up.

Something changed yesterday, mid day I suddenly realized I wasn't as crabby as I had been.   I don't know what the difference was... maybe just not sick anymore, or maybe the sun came out or something... but it felt so much better. I was making jokes and doing voices and making faces and had energy. 

Got a leadership meeting for spirit of truth tomorrow. 

There was this girl at Grumpy's last night who I saw as I was walking in.   Some older drunk guys were hitting on her, or knew her or something... but I was like "whoa that girl is cute" in my head...  

Its so weird how we have such different reactions to people.

Some days I think everyone is beautiful, some days I can't stop looking at pictures of my friends, some days I just don't find people attractive, but its weird how some people just cut through it. 

I especially think its interesting when the people we find attractive aren't necessarily the ones that everyone else stops for. Like we catch the shine of  that person's eyes or hair or cheeks or smile or spirit... and we can't not see it, even though they walk through the world not being recognized.

Funny enough I think that is one of the funny things about Twilight that draws people in... the main character is seen as attractive but not like the center of the universe... then enter vampire and (almost obsessively) he is stuck on her. 

well since that is full circle... im gonna run

Just like that back to bad eating habits.

I'm not sure if I should be writing this here or directly...

I feel like dismissing whatever half-assed apology comes,  weeks late and a half a world away from proving that it matters. 

Whats another day? I've given enough, why be hasty and dismissive? Why not give the benefit of the doubt, wasn't there once reason, and isn't that reason enough?

I think about it and I get angry, if I care I might care enough to hate, and I'd rather not self-violate myself with that.

Hate? Seriously a little dramatic, don't you think? What is there to hate? What have you really suffered? A little loneliness, a little left out, did you even ask for remedy? 

Well regardless, its enough of a wake up. Whose heart kept whose together? That being the case, what is there to be sorry for? "I'm sorry you had such high expectations." As if that is anyone's fault by my own.

and if that is the case, then why be angry at anyone else? Easy way out, disappointment but are you angry at yourself or someone else? Is that why moments after you think about it you start to hate everything else, everything about yourself, everything you touch becomes doubtful, future cringing, dreadful?  

I think you'll like this as much as I do.

Some old art

Looking at pictures.... I've lived a really good long life full of friendlies. Its amazing how much your memory can ignore until jogged. I forget so many experiences, rooms I have been in, peoples' faces and voices, their outfits, their jokes and stories. Forget the awkwardness in the moment, the concern and doubt. 

Some people are beautiful and stay beautiful and get more beautiful as you grow with them.

Its kind of cool to see these pictures of Jared and Laurel in my house in Morris, then again a year later in the dorms, then again just in the past few months in a house we share. I wouldn't have guessed that outcome years ago.

I wouldn't have guessed that Emily and Kristi would live together, and that I would enjoy their company still even though I never see them because I am to wound up in my own matters.

I wouldn't have guessed at the pictures on my wall that Jess V would call me and ask me to hang out 10 years after I met her and reluctantly (nerves) went to hang out with her... that Jen would be so far away. That she would be married with a child, that Gabi who I crushed on since I was 14 would be out west with a husband and a passion for politics and law. 

There are really too many things too many surprises to name, I am happy with the way things turned out for the most part, though I wish I could keep that joy in my heart all the time. 

I really don't though... 

keep it I mean.

I have not been joyful much at all lately...  whether its the churning of older friendships, or the weather, or the concern for family  or the stress of work or whatever... I am exhausted and bitter and uneasy lately.

I was thinking about music and painting today... how I wish I could be really good at one of them but would never take the time to really put my all into it.  Similarly I looked at a for sale property and thought of all the possibilities but couldn't really imagine me doing it...

 Its like -----> over there is something beautiful and you know you're gonna stay where you are and admire it instead of being part of it. 

Yeah that's me.

Got 5 new cds today. Some old blues, Beirut, Atmosphere and Dessa's enhanced old stuff. 

So far only listened to the Dessa and love it. 

Spent the day picking up garbage around Powderhorn, wondering about people. Trying to find ways to move forward and help others to do so.

Spent the night so far at a movie with Shultz and her boy, we don't get to talk much when we meet each other there. I liked the movie though.

Strung out my voice trying to hit every note in a mix cd on the way home. My car got hot with the effort and I had to pump the music and open the windows. My voice is very fragile and I can already feel the strain in my throat. Sometimes I wonder if I have vocal polyps or something.   More likely just untrained and pressed too hard. 

I really enjoyed the day...  Its been a while since I can say that about a whole day.  I wonder if it had to do with the sun coming out or if it was just the lack of stress. Lacey says picking up trash forces you into the moment, eyes scanning and feet trudging up the leaves so you can see what is buried, seems to have been the right kind of magic. 

Lets see how tomorrow goes. 

How do you tell someone you are mad at them, hurt by their actions and inaction, in just the right way that you get them to hear you and also to be able to make things work better?   

Normally when I need to write someone, I sit down and write out hours and hours of work, edit, reedit, start over, get to the point where I feel that I am mostly getting my point across and also I am exhausted... 

but this one just doesn't come.

I was having the shittiest day....  lacey texted me this morning, Illy called me this evening...  I am no longer having the shittiest day.

Friends...

life sucks without em.

I really liked 50/50
I was really glad that Jess asked me to go, when I had been wondering if she would go with me, but was chicken to ask.

During the movie I cried several times.
Once for my mom,
once for me
and once for my friends.

I was trying to pinpoint why I am so angry on the way home. Its not so much that I expected more from people, its that I hoped for it, lately i have been more pessimistic about that outcome.

This girl sounds annoying at the beginning but she has a really nice voice, which I don't tend to associate with people with braces.

I only saw Lifter Puller once, and didn't appreciate them at all... Craig Finn reminded me of Woody Allen

which was creepy...

but I learned to love them through the mixes Kristen and Tim would give me. 

Learned to love that sound, the lyrics, the stories about characters that became your friends, and drugs with people names, his yelling/singing, and now I dig the Hold Steady as well.

I was introduced to a lot of bands that way, I never bought their cds -I think I kind of assumed I could always burn them later... or maybe that they had exposed me to the best of them. 

I could go for one of those mixes now. One of those ones I didn't quite appreciate till a year after they gave it to me.

I was driving home thinking about fate and loneliness. I often think of these two things together. I wonder if my obsession with and relating to the story of Joseph (of technicolor dream coat fame)  lead me to believe that I just had to follow the path. That all things that needed to would be put before me, that paths of my choosing were never really of my choosing, and that all calamities were just the devices to get me to where I needed to be. 

I wish I could look on these stories as an adult instead of as a child -with child's eyes. I could see the faults and darkness surrounding these heroes, instead of reading only their heroic qualities. I could see them for what they were, the humans that they were. Then maybe I could still see myself in a positive light without being so judgmental of the dark.

So I had this dream last night about Dominic (the crass"mentor").

We were at some large dinner formal event. A large facility, clean halls and bathrooms.  He was sitting next to me but I am unsure if we had met up randomly or if I had brought him. Regardless I returned from a bathroom visit where I was helping someone who had gotten stuck in a stall or something, and found that most of the guests were really appalled by his behavior. I instantly recognized that face, that sigh, that disgust but I didn't take responsibility for it, just let it be his. Still I wanted to help him dig his way out, and I couldn't think of the words to convince these people that underneath it all he was charming.  It started to drain me, this exercise of having to prove someone's worth, I could understand their reaction, but it seemed like they should be more forgiving.   I wasn't exactly worried about impressing these faceless formal wear types, but it hurt that they didn't get to see his good side... and of course he wasn't helping matters at all. 

I've been sort of thinking about that all day on and off. I wonder why this man I met almost 10 years ago had such an effect on me. Maybe because he was my animal self, full of anger and off-putting. Maybe because he didn't hide his sexuality, didn't have anyone close enough to care about more than his jokes and escapades. It was freeing and awfully sad. 

But I wonder if I am sick of making excuses for that side of me. Of having to make up for it, yet still worried that people won't see the good side, even in my ugliness I wasn't all bad.

How does one take responsibility without being consumed? That's what I have been wondering all day.

******************************************************************************

So on that note I spent my day at a coffee shop avoiding responsibilities and staring at everyone who came in. Dismissing and fantasizing, and wondering how other people deal with the same ideas.  I hung out with a really nice girl the other day, but is it enough to be nice?

Is there some creature comfort that is acceptable to just play around with...

************************************************************************

I tend to gravitate towards the self pitying. I was thinking about that on the way home. A soundtrack of victim's ranting plays on repeat in my head. Maybe its because I am being honest in my head (or trying to be) for a change... but regardless I don't lift a finger to change it.  Sort of pathetic. 

Wondering about wondering, rolling over till its groans and pitiful. 

I guess I'm still too afraid. 

My horoscope says I should exercise this morning for my health.  I was hoping maybe it meant exercise some patience, or exercise some good decision making, but I am pretty sure it means physically.

I went to 2nd Moon Coffee Shop yesterday -trying to figure out what will be my neighborhood go-to.  I don't think its gonna be that one. A little crowded, a little loud. 
Other options in the area include the Longfellow Dunn Bros (its ok but very commercial). Blue Moon -probably ok and Birchwood, which I also found to be a bit crowded. 
I could also go north to Hard Times, Mapps and Acadia. Or over to SPaul by St. Thomas.

but since none of those are doing it for me so far I imagine I will spend some time today in or near the uptown area.
What a boring post.

The song I am listening to...

its the afternoon and I haven't left the house yet.

I had some interesting dreams:

a singer became a friend again

a student in a mental hospital

another weird work situation about building new facilities or something.

the first one meant a lot to me. 

If I die by falling through the floor under the bathtub, just for the record we had the plumber out a couple of times and Laurel caulked the bathroom...  but seriously there is something wrong there. 

There is an openmic down at the occupy, but I don't have anything to read. 

I was there most of the day yesterday and it was a lot of fun.

I think I am gonna go to a coffee shop for the day today.

My grandma has dementia and I'm kind of terrified to be there. 

My dad asked me to have dinner with him, but I don't want to drive out to Minnetonka.

I am apparently not a very good family member.

Throwing my self into work and activism hoping to feel productive. 

Something about recognizing you're angry and don't have anything to say or do about it that makes you want to work harder.

But its winter, and hard to get up when its dark and cold. 

I'm positive because I got no choice but to assume the best, I see hard work and creative people, people with if not hope, than goals... and that's a crowd I want to be with. 

I wish I was feeling more creative, I just got into this musician/poet and its one of those moments where I wish I had that ability. 

Tomorrow I am planning on heading down to OccupyMN for a few hours at least and maybe hanging out with Jess V, and possibly trying to make it to Jared's show.

Sat no plans yet, if I am not being active then its coffee shop.

Sunday I join the Spirit of Truth board of directors (or whatever we call it). 

I ain't paid the dues I promised and its been bothering me for months.  I just never seem to have the cash or money on hand. 

I didn't make it to the trainings today, slept in and had good dreams and felt kind of like a human being again, which was nice. 

Yeah if I didn't have to wake up so early I would be sleeping A LOT MORE

I don't even have a picture to post.

We are the 99% and other ideas.

Yesterday I went to Illy's to do some reading. I am really into this book Moneyball which is also a major motion picture I haven't seen yet. I am not at all sure how they could possibly turn this book into a movie... except by showing the story instead of talking about it, but regardless that would not be the book. The book quite entertainingly takes a look at the odd way baseball was once thought of, and shows how one team taking a very different approach was far more effective with far less resources, by mostly focusing on the right statistics. This would be a dry subject if it were not for the great personality profiles that make heroes out of little known people... which makes it interesting enough that someone like me who has no interest in baseball actually wants to watch the sport. 

Staying up late watching Chopped and reading lead me to not attend a geography conference today that also sounded pretty good... instead I decided to sleep in... which caused me to miss the peace rally as well... but I did go down to the OccupyMN anyway to see the tent set up. 

The police promised to pull down any structures that were set up... but they haven't yet. They promised to do so about 4-5 hours ago, but they are waiting for the media attention to dismiss and for any bystanders to move on (the fewer arrests the better for the police).

The protesters are of course counting on arrests, dramatic escalation is how you get attention and better results. So basically the police are being as smart as possible... war of attrition. 

You can watch the livefeed a good portion of the day here OccupyMN 

sometimes the chitchat is funny, sometimes it is really annoying.

 I saw a bunch of people I knew down there... but its weird to talk to them because they are all in the middle of leading a movement. 

Hmmm  other thoughts. I would be at a housewarming right now but stupid rivalries and uncomfortabilities get in the way.

Wednesday night I am getting together with Krystin and Alicia, maybe check out a movie and dinner. 

Thursday is the EdMN conference, gonna check that out with Emily S and maybe some others?

 Tomorrow is the CTUL Festival for Justice is tomorrow from 1-7 PM

Spirit of Truth tomorrow at 11AM

Hanging with Jess V probably tomorrow night...

 

Blogger has all these new design templates, but they kind of suck and for some reason erase all the gadgets and things you have put on your site.  Its their attempt to be more trendy, something along the lines of tumblr or twitter or something... but not so hot yet

I also have a new phone, which was sprung on me without warning... but I am slowly getting used to it. Its fancy, though not a "smart" phone exactly.

Just ate Benihana, and waiting to go to bed so my body can digest a bit.

obviously I have nothing real to say.

Good weekend, followed by a fairly successful Monday. 

Got a few things to do this week but mostly things are looking smoove. 

Lacey and I spent some time this weekend trying to be crafty...  

one of us succeeded.

I woke up singing this song.  According to Itunes I haven't listened to it in 5 months. The brain is a beautiful thing. 

I drove home last night a little discordant, the various parts of me feeling self righteous. 

I was thinking about my desire to keep people happy. It had begun from a conversation I had had with illy, about never wanting to see my coworkers mad at me. I wonder how many people spend their life trying to avoid other's anger.  Of course that spread to other relationships... how much time do I spend trying to problem solve, heal and care take, dote upon, buy shit for etc, so that someone will never be mad at me... 

but of course its futile right?

Illy and I had watched this movie last night where this woman who doesn't know herself struggles to find a partner. She transforms into whatever they want and keeps herself in the dark. As the movie progresses she begins to discover that she can be herself around one person, but everyone around her thinks that person is a scumbag so she rejects him (rejects herself again).  Eventually as is the custom, she realizes her mistake... but I wonder if I will?

I always  considered it a blessing that I "knew my purpose" I was put here to care take right? To be there for people, and yes I had to learn boundaries, I had to learn that I can't give indefinitely without taking care of myself, or in fact that taking care of myself needs to be high on the list of priorities in order to help with others... I had to learn that I can't do things for people, can't lose faith despite "mistakes" and "setbacks"  need to recognize the good, regardless of the bad -yet protect myself from them all the same... protect myself from only believing in the possibility and disregarding the reality.  yeah yeah yeah  I'm working on those.... 

but is understanding your "purpose" enough if it comes along with desperate cravings to never make anyone mad?  Am I able to be truthful to them, to me? Do I actually just transform myself into whatever they need? Speak in accents, and change my clothes for them, take on new activities and responsibilities entirely absent from my own desires? 

Or is because my desire is to be there entirely.... that these are just minor concessions?

Illy said something else a few days ago that struck me pretty hard, it may have been the fever or my general exhaustion or just may latent vulnerability but like a knife it struck deep and I turned away in tears for a moment. 

She was saying that someone in particular was never sort of "thankful"  

My boss tells me regularly how much she appreciates me, and though it comes a little harder to some of my other co-workers they do so in their ways too... 

And my friends they say it too, in their desire to see me, or their reluctance to let go...

but I think in romantic relationships its always been harder... 

I have only dated selfish women, something in me thinks its beautiful despite my stated cases against it... something in me screams if they like you it means you are special.... something in me convinces me its ok and that it comes from some place deeper where they aren't selfish... its their self protection, its their vulnerability, its their selflessness that causes it.

and all of that is probably true.

Some part of me also knows I don't let people in, don't let them take care of me, don't let them get to feel special(needed), deny them, set boundaries, place others before them sometimes, struggle to say I love you, struggle to show what they really mean to me...

and all of that makes them doubt, -like it makes me doubt when people are put together, like it makes me doubt when they seem to have enough friends, like it makes me doubt when they are already fulfilled, have dreams they are following through on, have exs they are close with, have friends they are intimate with, ...when I don't see a place for me. 

 I've spent a lot of time going to counseling for this issue, more so than any other.  My counselors are always trying to get me back to the reality that people being mad or scared or hurt by me doesn't mean they will reject me outright... but its always been hard to believe that.

I'm getting there though. Getting closer to just being honest, to just  sharing the things that are tearing me down, to just being ok with the past, and trying to work beyond the present. 

To maybe accepting that I too am hurt, hurt by all of you, and that I dwell on impressing you instead of healing. 

To maybe accepting that I too am angry, angry at all of you and that I use it to hurt myself when I should be letting it out more constructively.

Getting closer to recognizing that passionate feelings aren't always so scary, don't have to be so dangerous and risky.

That sitting with something,  walking away from something, missing something, fighting with something, none of these necessarily mean that the someone attached is gone forever... recognizing that the things I hold to be true aren't...breaches can be repaired,  hearts heal and rejoice again. 

but they require sturdy foundations...

and for all my charisma and bravado, illusion of steadfastness... I can't actually hope for healing if I am not honest about where the breaks occur.

I'm building with weak materials despite well crafted tools. Working backwards from grand dreams of the possibility and you can't start projects from the top down. 

That familiar fall cloak seems to be gathering around me, something about the breezes whispers "prepare"  and the sun is fading...

My roommates are having a party tonight, I don't think I am looking forward to it. I am wondering how it will go, but I am not eager to play a role. 

My room is not clean and my laundry has not been done. I'm tired, even though I slept all day, I feel like I'm fighting off a future cold. But its all my head that is the problem, I just can't imagine easy connections the way they sometimes come. It seems a pity to be around friends and not friendly... and I don't want to fall in that mood, but I already feel it coming on.

I miss easiness and love. I want it, I want to dream it, wake to it, go to sleep to it, spend my day thinking about it, and yet... I want it all a certain way, want to control things, or rather I want them to control me, reach and grab me, make me want them. That isn't going to happen though is it.

The camping trip went well... I'm still exhausted from it. Not prepared for Monday. 

I wish the students would make things easier for us and them. 

Learn lessons and enjoy each other.

I have this trouble because there is a certain group of students who just get it more easily... they all happen to be white and middle to upper class... they are already imbedded in this type of rebellion, they already like to learn, they like the type of freedoms we can provide... and so they make it in our system... but that doesn't serve the students who don't have that background... and it challenges the ideas that we are talking about... or rather makes them so real its hard to deal with.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go to the Renaissance Festival with my Dad, should be fun but I can already feel this vibe of like "you aren't doing enough for your family" and I kind of feel that coming from every direction right now... 

and all I really want to do is go to sleep. 

The small fixes

I am not sure if it was the shopping, or the moving around, or the sugar fix, but I was feeling rather down and drab, and then I wasn't. I can feel it returning a bit right now... its sad to think I go from fix to fix throughout the day to keep my mood up.

Tomorrow we are going camping in Wisconsin.
We will have probably 35-40 students (some can't come, some probably shouldn't)...
still this camping trip has brought a lot more anxiety than the last ones... Not since my first year has it been so stressful... new location, different perspectives, huge distance, more students who have never camped with us before... 
Still after school today 6 kids stayed after and helped one of my coworkers set up tents to see if we had all the parts... other students have already brought their tents and gear in.
Maybe it will go really well... maybe all the fear is for nothing... but honestly as much as this new location is an awesome place (it truly is...)
I still like the Baker Park site, I like sitting around and not having scheduled activities... I like not having a role except to make sure everyone is physically there, a time to bond with the students not be the boss.

I've been having to set some of those boundaries a lot lately... these new students haven't found the right balance of push and pull and the older students haven't jumped into the leadership responsibilities that are needed.  I asked a student who has been around for years to turn his frustration that his food was stolen into a message that "we could all respect each other a little more"   he stated his frustration, but never stepped up to make a real change.

I've had to gear like all my classes around the idea that student's can take responsibility, can learn to be confident, can learn to take on the leadership roles... but when they have the chance they back down... just a bit frustrating.

Well when I get back tomorrow (around noonish) I am guessing a shower and bed will be the agenda for friday... sat maybe a movie with shultz  and  the roomies are having a housewarming... i don't know how many people I know will be attending.
Monday some cats are shrimping.

To the innocent victims of the santorum neologism
(funniest word ever following that word... cum on... you get it... )

Listening to new Chili Peppers album... obviously chili peppers, but sadly missing my favorite element.... still I am not opposed to it.  There are definitely some good songs... or at least I have noticed many good parts of songs. Also I think flea has gotten way better at using the bass effectively for not only rhythm but melody in songs.

Well at least I don't have to worry about yeast infections.


The rest I can pretty much guarantee.
It wasn't a bad day, it was a good day... so why do I feel so shitty right now?

I'm totally feeling pity party right now... like I miss people that don't exist, or do, but I can't quite reach them the way I want to.

but everything was good today.

 got a whole bunch of new videos on the youtubes...

Today I spent 2 hours looking at maps, pictures, videos and displays talking about the history of Minneapolis, and the lumber and flour mills at St. Anthony Falls.

Later I spent an hour and a half watching a documentary about slavery and African-African/American identity,

also read articles about the connection between Sephardi Jews and Native American tribes, 

and about Spanish explorers in Texas and Florida.

Sometimes it pains me to recognize I will never know everything.

I think my room makes me tired. I have been getting home at like 8-9 PM every night and headed to bed by 10:30. 

This week was sort of rough.  Earlier this week I had a student confess that a lot of really awful things had happened to her... like imagine the worst life ever and then add all the effects of having that happen to you to your personality which basically compounds the problems. She came to school in tears and left in tears and I haven't seen her since.

Tomorrow Spirit of Truth is having a big launch event. We are hoping for 200 people, I have no idea how many will show. We only have about 38 confirmed on facebook... but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Or it could mean we have a kick ass conversation with 40 people.

Anyway I am not in charge on this one, so I am a little less anxious.  Its hard though to recognize that you can't actually influence people very easily. 

Every day I come home with something to share about my day, or a new thought... or an old thought with some new insight or current experience... and every day I decide I don't have the energy to update...
So yeah... this is pretty flat, but so is Minnesota...

off to the millcity museum.

Do you ever have one of those nights where all your music sounds amazing?

 I was trying to make a cd of instrumentals that I can play for my students during creative writing time tomorrow... its hard to choose tracks, you don't want too much of the same, and yet some of the stuff is just so beautiful.  Does it count as instrumental if the vocal tracks are in another language and no one knows what they are saying?

So far I came up with:

Django: "Honeysuckle Rose"

Fred Ho and the Afro-Asian Music Ensemble "The Monkey Theme"

Hero Soundtrack: "Swift Sword"

Humanboy:  "Nell"

It was just for you that light show:   "Shell"

John Frusciante: "Untitled # 6"

Les Yeux Noirs: "Doina Si Joc de Marian"

Marcus Doneus: "Socrates' Garden"

Mississippi Mud: "Bicep Lips"

Murat Isbilen: "Gulumcan"

Red Hot Chili Peppers: "Pretty Little Ditty"

Rodrigo y Gabriella: "Orion" 

I'm dwelling in one of those tired moods, mixed desire and "fuck off!"   angst faced

the band Why? is really doing it for me. 

I spent the last 3 hours at a coffee shop watching a girl who looked like a disney princess (pretty to the point of painful and slightly off-putting)  with half glances occasionally meeting those giant eyes in-between the chapters of my book.

I wasn't sure I wanted to meet her... but when she got up and left I didn't want to stay. 

She had spent a couple hours talking to a guy that kept her smiling, and when she met my eyes it was as if those smiles were meant for me (though of course they weren't).  Enough to make a man wonder what kind of life he is living and dream of being a shiny knight or a daring thief or a beast. 

I considered taking a picture, that creepy, I wondered if I would ever see someone like that again. Someone who wasn't necessarily someone you wanted to talk to, but who you couldn't take your eyes from. Someone who didn't make you want to have babies with them, but who seemed to meet children's fantasies of what "beauty" is.   Its funny you could easily say she looked deer like, mousy, alien... but all in a way that drew you in... strange creation, I wonder how she will age... I wonder whether she had her teeth fixed, and spent years perfecting the makeup for that look, whether she knows it or not... flaunted eyelashes, half smiles practiced in the mirror.  Does her personality match, is she the epitome of rough and tumble feminine... a feisty catch, but a pampered princess none the less.

I used to think I was only attracted to women with long hair, after dating Alexis I found myself attracted to a whole new type... its funny how sometimes I see people and I just want to run my hands through their hair.

Tonight was the "parent dinner"  after 3 years of these you would think I wouldn't be so awkward but each time... ooh its a treat to see how much I can embarrass myself. It is also funny to run around the school during these events and realize that all of my coworkers are feeling the same way, casually avoiding contact with parents in order to pretend to do important "set up" type things like mixing a salad again and again, or refilling the punch bowl for the 40th time... or making sure the students are where they need to be...  anything to keep from talking to parents.... sometimes I feel like conferences would be easier because at least you have an agenda... although the few times I had to do conferences with parents at normal schools I had the hardest time trying to figure out which of the 17 Tylers or Sarahs they were the parent of...

 This way there is no mistaking... 

Today was the first actual "hard" day we have had so far this year. I actually needed to get away for a bit.   I subbed for the cooking class and I am amazed how little these kids can get accomplished food prep wise while simultaneously creating some of the biggest messes I have seen... dropped garlic butter not just on the floor but on the counters in the silverware drawer, dripping down the cupboards.  

Cutting veggies in 4 different locations they transporting diced tomatoes onions and other by hand to a tiny bowl on the other side of the room...

I gave them enough ingredients to feed 10 people a decent sized meal and they didn't know what to do with half... we ended up with salsa and chips, some enhanced marinara sauce, garlic bread, hard boiled eggs no one wanted and a small plate of friend mushrooms.

There were about 20 students at the parent dinner but only 5-6 brought family... so it was a little awkward, two staff "had to" run to grab some quick take out so that the potluck wouldn't be completely devoid of food. 

2 soon to return students stopped by to eat with us.  2 former students stopped by to say hi today.

I think its been on average like 5 (graduates or former students) a week since the beginning of school. 

I'm setting some time aside next week to work on SoT stuff... we are having an event on the 25th. My roommates are determined to have a housewarming party the night before...

I'm still unsure what to say about the past few weeks.  I didn't have internet, I found it to be a really enjoyable retreat in many ways. It reminded me I don't have to be so easily swayed from things that matter.  Perhaps I just need to turn off my computer a bit more.
I am in a new place, a new neighborhood, new roommates, less cats.  So far things are good, with home, school, other.

This is a year of change I guess.
I'm still not sure what I want to say about recent news.
I think I am afraid to feel it.

Despite that one post, it is pretty clear now that I don't have some great insightful dreaming power to predict important events.

I wish I could fill you in on all the details in my head... but really I'm kind of tired and have a few things to worry about tomorrow... so its best I just go to sleep.
Welcome back to the internet mike... thanks... too bad I already broke the promises I had made in my head.

Of the million things I plan

Today was the first day back at work. Technically I started year 4 this summer, but I guess this is the official school year. We spend this week preparing all the little things and the little ones come next week.
Right now we have about 3/5s of the students we need by Oct (or budget cuts=staff cuts).
We have new staff, they are adjusting but of course it is all too much. They seem to be taking it in stride, but something tells me they will need a little more one to one training later.

Its nice to get back to doing things, being productive. We accomplished all of our goals for the day... as a team we are working well... but I guess it doesn't really matter until we see results with the students.

I saw two of my future roommates tonight which was nice along with a handful of Morris folks, but its weird to be surrounded by cats who also know, or know of a certain singer, but don't really understand that it breaks your heart to not be able to say hi.

I'm so emo...
Brendan B come shoot me... I'm the wrong kind of emo.
and now I'm reliving high school conversations...

anyway the point of this post was supposed to be about plans. 
I have plans, goals, responsibilities and more.... and I am excited even though I don't like to say it.

I am excited to move to a new place, have a new year, take on new roles, comfortable with old things...
I am also full of doubt and the amount of candy I have been eating lately (despite trying to quit)  shows it well...

I am worried that I don't show the right amount of excitement towards the right things and the right people...
and it angers me to think about those choices I made in the past that lost me some friends,  so its hard to know how to move forward.

I don't actually know any of your birthdays...
Jess, Gabi, Nona     I'd skip em all without a thought... but it doesn't mean I don't think about you.

Anyone else sick of that playlist playing on its own? 

When I put it on here I specifically requested that it not play on its own... But I think I erased that part of the code accidentally. 

Why do I go to Dark Dark Dark show?

Equal parts joy and torment, but I always walk away unhappy.

Grieving has never been my strong suit*. Everlasting indeed...

*When I put it on here I specifically requested that it not play on its own... But I think I erased that part of the code accidentally.

Tired Thoughts

I really love both versions of this song (this is the new one).  

I also think Aby Wolf adds a lot to Dessa's songs, normally her voice is obviously the most trained and ranged of the two (example: where as Dessa has a hard time switching keys, Aby does it easily).  

Except at the show yesterday I thought Dessa actually out sang Aby in all but like 2 songs. 

It made me wonder though why Aby Wolf is basically a backup singer now when she used to be a solo artist. I don't know a whole lot of her work, so maybe she has a hard time writing songs...?

musica

Heard this on MPR along with some great excerpts read by Neil Gaiman  who is a genius yet I never read his stuff.

Been posting a lot of music lately. I'm not at work so I am listening to NPR/MPR a lot. I think if I wasn't a teacher I would listen to it constantly and probably be a member and what not. I have been thinking a lot today about the choices we make and how they influence our lives. Last night I was also listening to the radio and heard a version of "Edelweiss" that was really beautiful and I started singing it in my car.

In Jr High choir I learned the song. I never played an instrument in school, always choir a couple years of it with my teacher trying to get me to do solos. In 6th grade Ms Black asked me to try out for the MN boys choir.. I remember going to the audition and freaking out. I think I used the excuse that I didn't like any of the music to get out of it... I'm wondering if the money commitment was what lead my parents to let me get out of it. How different would my life have been if at 11 I had joined a touring choir?

Within a year or two I was convinced my voice was shot forever (even though my music teacher thought I had the best range in the class). I didn't like that he was trying to make me sing baritone and bass when I could still sing tenor and even alto parts... Tenor parts are so much more fun than baritone and bass parts.

 Towards the end of 7th grade we watched Evita and I decided that I loved musicals and wanted to be a performer. I had joined the theater club but never wanted any of the parts. I was always too afraid to take roles I didn't know, and I didn't know many... so I ended up on the crew for two years, but continued to do summer camps and things. I was a pirate one year in some terrible play. I was Lysander in a Midsummer Night's dream 8th grade I think.

By High School I was convinced I had lost my voice entirely, so I joined the improv based theater classes but never took part in any of the plays. I tried out for several of them, but always chickened out and told the director I didn't want to make the time commitment, but would help my partner out in the audition. It was my way of saying I am too afraid.

Sophmore and Jr year I started performing poetry and songs at open mics, but only when I felt I had practiced enough. Still I always freaked out at the shows. Some people noticed though, I had poems published in the arts magazine, and some musicians started asking me to accompany them during open mic performances. Later in Jr year a band made up of pseudo-friends asked me to join as a singer. But I was never good with the timing and only had the chance to play a few shows.

In college I did open mics. A few songs, but mostly poems.  Its been the same since.

I annoy my roommates and probably the musicians down stairs are wondering who the hell is screeching on notes well out of his range upstairs.

I also took voice lessons which felt great in a way, to recover some of what I lost, to recognize I still could... but it dawned on me that my breathing is not fluid enough to really be a singer. I don't have the lung capacity.

My mom is always saying we don't sing enough during church, because we are too afraid to make mistakes or stand out.  I think that's probably the case.  If I played an instrument well enough I would at least be able to say "oops its hard to do two things at once"  but singing seems like something that should come naturally.

I was thinking it might be nice to work on some songs for our annual benefit. It would be fun to do different styles a more theatrical piece, a folk song, a rock song... who knows.

Some Shatner

"I make sure to show him all of my teeth."

This was also good...

 Heard this (playlist in pink) on a preview for a movie today, really enjoyed it obviously.
But while I am at it, since Roma Di Luna is breaking up, Channy has been making some really beautiful solo demos:
"Tell You Girls"
"Remind Me"
"No One Can"
"Everyone"

Can't deny I'm pretty tired.

But its 1:07 and the evening doesn't seem like it should be over... yet all the options seem like too much of a time commitment.  Movies and episodes of the Medici, chapters of a book, comp games, writing or art... all a bit much. 

Today I threw down some dirt, read and wrote, but all in all when you don't interact with too many people it doesn't seem like a full day at all.

Tomorrow I hang with Alicia, get groceries, do some more writing work.

Wednesday I meet with my coworkers and have dinner with Illy. 

Thursday I organize the office at work (if I don't get to it Wednesday).

Friday I meet with Alyssa and Andrea from EDMN

Saturday there is a concert I was thinking about... 

Sunday I should go to church for the first time in 3 weeks.

Monday there is a dark dark dark show and also I am back to work

Tuesday work and dentist *crown

Unsure what comes after that...

So I had Aleks  join me for a class this summer and apparently I inspired him to try to give up Coca Cola as one idea in his attempt at a more sustainable life.    He also asked me to be a team member on that blog.
My first thought is basically... I don't know what I could contribute.  I know the research I presented in class to my students was what got him thinking about one thing, but in general I gather research, I don't actually live it.

My attempts so far this year were to give up bottled water (I am getting much better) and briefly after watching this video, to give up pop.  That lasted like 2 days and made me realize how thoroughly addicted to sugar I am.
One of the points the researcher makes is that Alcohol comes from sugar, and the long term effects are roughly the same. I can see so many of them in my body already that it scared me... but not enough to stop drinking pop at bars (since I don't drink alcohol).  Not enough to always order water at dinner or social events...  and since juice is roughly the same thing in a slightly less intense way it makes it hard.   I don't think I am cut out to be an activist always tap water type of person. Alek's suggestion of tea doesn't sit well with my stomach and in both tea and coffee I add a shit ton of sugar to make it palatable.
Its weird though to recognize how addicted you are to something, to its convenience, the energy boost, the physical sensation, the fix... I honestly can't seem to go very long without coffee, pop or candy... and maybe I ought to go more lightly and just say one a day... but it seems hard to even do that.  I have been adding fruits and veggies as snack food but I still want some candy in-between.

anyway... they are not even sure this an addictive substance so I can't imagine giving up the things that are considered that.  I find in strange how vulnerable these vices make us... I feel incredibly insecure knowing that I am feeding myself poison and can't/don't want to do anything about it.Similarly the pornography thing... I think if I didn't have it in my life I wouldn't second guess myself nearly as much as I do... its just a reminder of all things negative for me.

So Alek's asks me for my expertise, and I can't think of anything to offer...
my first thought was really just to have the cool people I know who do cool things to add their own words...
while I listen and repeat as is my role.

*Also, funny that I can influence people older than me who barely know me, but have little to no effect on my teenage students who I spend years with. Maybe I was meant to teach higher ed.