So now that I normally wake up at like 7:30.... 3PM seems really late... like there is no time in the day left.

I had all these dreams in which I didn't really know anyone.
I'm not sure what that means... maybe that I haven't taken the time to really listen to hear who people are.

I have been struggling with this a lot lately.

I spent a half an hour in bed today thinking about having a fake relationship... like an agreement with someone for practice.

I spent 15 minutes thinking about doing a two person show as a married couple.

I need to go buy soap and tp
I need to do laundry
I need to get rid of the garbage in my room
I want to draw or paint but cant seem to settle down enough to do it.
I want to see two movies

3/4 aint bad

I saw three really good bands tonight... all different styles. I knew one of them and went to see them specifically but by the time they got on I was already super tired out.
The other two... well I think one is a christian group (The Parlour Suite) but they had such wonderful vocals, hand percussion and time changes... I got drawn in pretty hard core.
The other (Murzik) had a guitarist a bassist and drummer playing the rhythm and basic melody, but then kicked it up a notch with an accordion player, a cellist and a violinist... sort of like a dark dark dark, without the darkness.


Anyway, the only problem with having a good time at a show is I got no one to come home to (Morgan and Sav don't count)

If you never had a chance to check out cuomo! I hope that one day you do have that chance. I got all the music he offered for sale that night... and i have never for a second been disappointed.

"holiday" and "kiss the third rail" are two of my favorite songs and are currently on his myspace. its just the simple way he sings the lines as if life is filled with beauty and even in deep sorrow he sounds happy, passionate
and I absolutely love his sentiments in things like love and relationships and humanity, I was just listening to "No One, Never, Nothing"

"Well somebody gave me some happiness, so I gave it to the person I saw.
And sat down alone on the sidewalk, with nothing in my heart at all.
With nothing to be taken away from me, nothing to be taken away, nothing to be taken away from me...
Lord I've got no idea where I'm going and don't you ever take that away...
The ocean might still take my body, and the world might still take my soul, but if I give you my heart its yours for good, to hold or break as you will...
Well ashes to ashes and dust to dust, we'll always forget it I'm sure, but if we sing it out now while we still have the breath, we can put it in the air for good. where no one can take it away from us, where no one can take it away, where no one can take it away from us."

there is a line in "holiday" where he says "hes up here looking for a friend... amongst... the folks who no one needs, except for me."

he likes to blur the lines between sanity and living and find connection in everything.


-these are all qualities I admire and wish to regain.

Not the best day, but you know what

My coworker's laughter is contagious and beautiful, the way they make gestures full of life and animation. The way they approach things with honesty, honestly pissed off about it or honestly in love. The way they stand up for me to a parent because it wasn't actually my fault, but I cant very well think or say that can I? and then they tell me "So don't let it come up again." As if to ensure me that I was not at fault and that anyone who would try to involve me in the circus needs to here "NO." The way they decide to cancel school for an afternoon, because "We deserve to take some time for us."

I want to see "Che" before its gone, but I cant seem to stay awake between the hours of 6 PM and 10 PM and the movie plays from 7-11:30ish.

I ate another bag of candy hearts.... my stomach was full to bursting and napped it away.

I really want a cup of coffee but its 10:37 PM.

I need to be creative again soon, so that I can stop complaining.

and now a moment for self pity (havent I been mad at myself enough?)

I dare not be Romeo, diving heart first into perfume clouds, pretty smiles, soft skin, poetics, lust wrapped in one's own heart song crying romance, for I fear disaster but even more I am not daring and take no comfort in tragedy, yet I am tragic no?

-So afraid of making mistakes I timidly step forward peer wide eyed, jump backwards, call it a day.
Hypocritical
because I believe in universals.
Universally believe you are worthwhile, faithful that chaos births beauty, see you wrapped in it, yet afraid to look you in the eye for fear you'd shed it, unraveling truth and nakedness but isn't that what I dream for, so vulnerable,
I still cry in want -to hold you. To trust you, to trust me.

Yet what if I can't hold you, up?
What if I am weak, too weak, I lack strength, I lack something,
I've proved it before I dread you knowing it.

Some ask, well what if they loved you anyway?

My reply in threefold:
I wouldn't let them
I wouldn't trust them
I would want them to - for fear they simply don't know their own strength (I aint here to hold you back).

Don't carry me.
I'm not there yet.
I'm not worth it yet.

"That's shame, Mike"

let me tell you about shame... I want to make a new mistake, so that I can stop thinking about the things I did ten years ago when I was weak and vulnerable, confused and abusive, people thought I was a "good person," (you know what that feels like?) I walked with my head down, until they told me to hold it higher -So I did cuz I didn't want them to guess at what had transpired. You know what that feels like? They thought I was a good person
-and they still do.

And I been trying to prove it to myself every day since.
because why can't I make mistakes like everyone else?
Why can't I not blame myself when someone else takes on too much, why do I have to feel responsible.
I was confused and vulnerable.

Anyway I close my doors and write you off, because I haven't proved it to myself yet.
and I'm sorry for missed connections but seriously universally you'll be ok.
and I'm trying to find my way there.


(Thus unless you starspeckled remind me of some dream of god I had, spark my heart like a fucking pacemaker -good luck ((((((for today))))))

to be honest

We don't really die, unless no one bothers to remember that we were human.
Even then, the universe certainly uses us.
Life to Life, Dust to Dust.
Grief is good. Its the process of realizing how much someone mattered... and if we use it well, then they will always matter.

This is why I struggle so much with my uncle dying... because I have such few good memories (and everyone else has so few) that I don't grieve. I want to, but it seems pointless. The best thing he ever did in his life was help conceive his daughter and then for all his love he made her life so fucked up. I won't say awful. I won't say that he wasn't still a father... and though I am tempted I wont say she's better off... because who am I to judge. But personally I know he's probably in a better place and despite the loss, I sincerely believe that she will be able to live her life more fully now...

an Answer to the Obama Inaguaration

It’s tempting to be cynical,

knowing history can make you that way because history focuses mainly on the dramatic, the eventful. Not the positive steady growth but the incident, the assassination, the war, the corruption and oppression –and the downfall (praised by some as the beginning of a new chapter, a light, but for most suffering)

A new light:

Barack Hussein Obama told us not to be afraid, to loom forward with pride –and hope. To be the change you want to see. Are they just words?

A cynic would say “Of course.”

But aren’t they the words you want to hear? Aren’t they the words you want from the leader? Aren't they what we all say we have been waiting for?

What more do we ask? (A leader who inspires hope)

Our cynicism, our skeptical brains should keep us challenging, using our anger to ensure the better –in ourselves, our friends and family, our society and our leaders.

IT SHOULD NOT

Keep us from being the change we believe in, or mocking the voice we want to hear, or sitting in doubt on the sidelines while at the very least marginal change occurs.

-Will anything be different?

I worry about climate change. The disruption of food and water, the medicine held back by patent laws and greed (though funded with our tax dollars).

I worry about the year of tax burden every single one of us owes on our deficit. The handouts to the rich who claim a single mother is a burden to our society while they waste a grand on shoes or a purse.

I worry about starvation –the ever present threat of war and the billion who see it in their day to day lives.

-but “Will anything be different?” (It’s about time we find out)

I mean if every cell phone at the mall has a camera and the capability to call that starving child a half a world away, then we should be able to ship him some food, or open our borders.

If every Sarah America can be the next best seller at the book store, then we will soon hear the voices of the disenfranchised, and then, when we recognize them as our neighbors, our family…

We wont fence them off or imprison them… we’ll sing together.

My satellite dish and cable TV sends me information about the customs of a people I never knew existed

-their history is now caught up in mine. How can I resist them?

Now even the poor can be educated – “will anything be different?.... oh man it already is.

Our voices stream together at high speeds on the Internet and even though the Big Stone Coal Power Plant provides the energy the plans for 1000 homemade solar panels and wind turbines are its legacy.

Do we throw it all down on technology? NO

We invest in each other. We invest responsibly in ourselves, you and me, not Mr CEO of GM or GE

And then we raise our cynical voices to oppose the injustice

And when we raise our songs for praise

What a world we’d realize we life in

What a world we’d be able to create.

Wrote this in class on inauguration day, we were responding to some prompt questions. I assumed many of my students wouldn't take the event as a positive sign of things... so I tried to inspire some hope.

Another wonderful concert experience

Toki Wright, Sims, Yoni and Omaur Bliss all took the stage and did mini sets, many unrehearsed but showing off raw talent. Sims displayed his new work which he claimed he wrote all in one week. He then dropped the music for the second song and proceeded to do the entire vocal part a cappella. This set was the first time I have ever been able to hear the majority of sims lyrics during a live show. He was really enjoying it too. Yoni and Omaur did their thing, wowing the crowd. Keeping it enjoyable, I still like Yoni more with Pleasure Pause but after the show when I bought his cd he gave me an extra copy to hand out (gave it to the people I went to the show with). I have never seen or hear Toki Wright perform, but I loved it. He doesn't sound like the mn hip hop people even if he is from here... but he sounds great none the less, and he raps with such grace and authenticity and excitement and character that you would think that was how he spoke.

After the show when I returned home a noisy clatter from downstairs startled me. It appeared our long lost roommate had decided to return home after not living here for a few weeks... and he had brought friends. Drunken friends.
They had just gotten home from the bar. Two girls, Two guys. So you would think some sort of coupling had occurred, but no. Me and Morgan were talking in my room when one of the drunken ladies burst in and asked "Are those guys ok guys?" and we had to tell her... "we don't really know." Afterall Josh is our roommate but we found him on craigslist. His friend... well we dont know his name so he was referred to as fluffy head guy all night.
The girl started a conversation with us. Turns out shes a middle school counselor. She seems really cool so I told we should be facebook friends. But as it turns out... she was also looking for a place to stay tonight... as drunken fluffyheaded boy had been their ride... and well at first he was passed out on the floor and later he suddenly woke up and stumbled downstairs to drive away drunk. After about 45 minutes of conversation and slight awkwardness she asked who's bed was larger... and of course morgan's is... but of course I wasn't going to let her sleep in mine anyway... so.

We have house guests I guess is the point of this story.

I doubt I will write more about this, because the moment will be lost... but tonight the singer from Mel Gibson and the Pants was unable to attend the show... so P.O.S. and Cecil Otter filled in doing covers of their songs over Mel Gibson and the Pants music. It was amazing. They really showed how great they are at MCing.

Ghosts of Abu Ghraib

This movie is so disturbing.
With things like this I usually think it is important to watch even when you don't want to believe it. But You can also feel how defensive and numb you become to watching or hearing about it.
I think the best thing about this movie though, is that they ask you to see the torturers (american soldiers) in the context of the Prison. Meaning you see the stress, pressure and lack of organization or leadership involved. Not a few bad soldiers... but the human condition when the abuse of power and oppression are the norm.

I really love the opening song to this cd.
its called "Too Much Dylan" its hilarious, sad and beautiful.
you should check it out... its kind of like the perfect song. I wish I could quote the whole thing on here... but I don't know all the lyrics. http://www.myspace.com/johncraigie


I spent a ton of money today buying new breaks and some other shit.
James took us out to dinner and now I feel bad for letting him spend so much money on us.
I got a new phone because my old one was turning off randomly.

I did some centering last night. Used my mom's medicine cards to find my spirit guides and did a spread to figure out whats up with my life right now. Very helpful.

I really hope I can get to sleep tonight.

so yeah

At work we openly discuss and educate on such topics as pornography, sexual harassment and more.
Its hard for me to do this.
A) because sometimes I feel like a hypocrite
B) because I sometimes disagree with the curriculum, yet I entirely agree with the reasons behind it.
C) because I don't feel comfortable openly saying that sometimes.
D) because I love sexuality and its variations... and I find that many of the things that are open to various forms of sexuality (sometimes unfortunately) are deemed inappropriate.
For instance we were showing this video, a behind the scenes look at pornography. A rather moving video that highlighted a lot of really important information on the blatant power imbalance in the porn industry... but during the video the reporter also highlighted the booming adult toy industry and talked with a Female business owner about her toy sales....
This brings up that really blurry line because we are trying to show the negative effects of power imbalances in sexuality, yet for some reason women who explore or encourage others to explore their sexuality suddenly are inappropriate? -I guess the journalists want her to be a house wife not a business woman who believes in being open about sexuality?

I dunno.... I feel like there are many mistakes I have made in relationships and my sex life... many times that things got out of hand in terms of wants/desires being expressed in inappropriate ways... but I don't think that sexuality was at fault for that... I think insecurity was. I think that a culture that condemns people's sexuality as being perverted(abnormal) when it fits within the range of natural human sexuality is what causes some of those insecurities and I think if there were ways to talk about that and express it in healthier ways people would do so. But we are such a prude country that the only semi-appropriate expression is through these means that rely on power imbalances, manipulation and abuse. If humans were able to openly express their sexuality without feeling ashamed... would they build up the frustration that causes them to turn sexuality into a power game? Would they need to manipulate others into fulfilling their desires? Would they continue to abuse people in private if everyone accepted them for who they were in public?

-Undoubtedly some people would still feel the need to abuse others. Some would do so because they didn't know any better or couldn't find a better outlet. But I think things would improve if we actually did practice more open but respectful forms of sexuality, forms of communication and education.

-Unfortunately there are natural barriers to these things.
Statistically men and women do have different ideas/interests/turn ons... but if the ideas that all of these things were acceptable (but abuse was not) maybe we wouldn't see as much of the inappropriate "perversions" of sexuality (by perversion, I mean in this case, an actual perversion of sexuality, as in turning sexuality into a power trip, a control mechanism etc... not in something like role playing but in something like relationship abuse).

I tend to believe strongly in these ideas because they have helped me.
Even things that seem trivial like sex columns (savage love) and those programs on vh1 and the history channel about the free love era of the 60s and 70s have had a really wonderful impact on me because they were/are people who wanted to truly be honest about their sexuality in an open way. Yeah they don't always do it in a way that is appropriate, sometimes they are mean and angry, sometimes the ideals aren't followed through with true equality (60s and 70s), but I would like to see a society that is honest and open.

No we shouldn't accept politicians who abuse their power in the office (sexual harassment -clinton etc) but we also shouldn't pretend that its abnormal or require people to step down for their extramarital affairs, unless of course they have been running around condemning others for the same offense (looking at you republicans). I dont give a fuck if a senator trys to pick someone up in an airport bathroom, I only care that this same person wont let people who practice his sexuality have the same rights as others.

"That is the Debate of 2003"

I was talking to my dad about the war and other political things. For the most part we were on the same path, but at one point he said something like "Well we know that now, but its in the past, what are we going to do with it now?"
and though I agree with him somewhat... I think its absurd for conservatives to make this "argument,"
a guy on the news just did this to a liberal commentator (thats where the headline comes from).

Smart people spent 2002 and beyond arguing how stupid the war was... but people called them traitors... now everyone realizes they were right and its "well, lets just forget about our mistake and move on." Fuck that. If the people who made the mistake haven't or even apologized yet, then it is still an issue, because only by settling the past are we able to move forward with good conscience and a clear view.

How is it that these people expect us to take them seriously if they can't admit they fucked everything up? We are supposed to continue following them, yet they lead us down the worst path possible... Fuck them. The discussion is necessary to say who was right and who we should follow now... since the others fucked up their chance.

I wrote this before my nap, but it didnt publish

Tonight I kind of feel like the only one without a date on valentines.



This weekend might be really fun or really dull... I have several plans but they don't seem to be coming together as easily as I would like. Some people have limiting schedules. Others make plans during the time that they might be able to meet up.

Part of me really likes the idea of watching some movies or playing some computer games or reading a book. But I don't want to be forced into it (by not having anything better to do).

birthday thoughts

Today went well. I will soon retire for the night with a movie or something...
I got to hear about a lot of other people's lives and that was nice even if it was brief.

A friend of mine used to always hate his birthday (maybe still does) because it reminded him how much he hadn't accomplished.
I am not feeling that way.
I'm still growing.
Maybe that is all that needs to be said.

Some of the Where’s Your Mustache? crew jam on a song John just introduced them to.

skillz

Nova and Morgan show their skillz

hidden track on Damien Rice's O

Silent night, broken night
All is fallen when you take your flight
I found some hate for you
Just for show
You found some love for me
Thinking I'd go
Don't keep me from crying to sleep
Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, moonlit night
Nothing's changed
Nothing is right
I should be stronger than weeping alone
You should be weaker than sending me home
I can't stop you fighting to sleep
Sleep in heavely peace



-I always thought that line "you should be weaker than sending me home" was brilliant. Because I think inside, all of us want to believe that we have that kind of power over others... not so much because we wish harm on them, but out of our own sense of pride/ego.

This book is Amazing

I believe it is translated so it does make for a sometimes uncomfortable read, but it really sort of blows away the "rational" ideas of our society...

I might type out some excerpts later. But if you have any interest in sociology, economics, sustainable living or the environment I suggest it.

Nova sent me this

And I am very glad...
Check this site out. International Jewish Anti-Zionist Network
I keep getting really frustrated with friends (especially Jewish friends) who seem to think that in order to be Jewish one must be pro-Israel at all costs.
Its disgusting, it reminds me of Germans following the Nazis and I know thats an awful comparison, but I don't understand how you can simultaneously claim protection and self defense and righteousness because of the horror of the holocaust while committing so many of the same crimes.

Sleep was shit last night.

I think I might update that other site this weekend.
I have all these -sorta- plans, but I'm guessing I will sleep in both days, and probably watch some movies.
I made this an ugly big color for the kicks.

a post from school

Nervous energy with no where to place it: not in words, or beats or punches to a wall. Explain yourself confusion, let’s hear what you have to say. Speak it loud and clear or move on because you’re doing me no good. How about you anxiety? Think you’re a big shot? Prove it; give me something to argue with. Excitement you can stay but bring me a suggestion as to where to put you. Anger, I’m sick of you –caused by hurt and injustice and maybe a little guilt, why not make yourself productive in a less pessimistic manner.




In other news.
I need to go back to sleep so that I can think tomorrow.

Im getting really frustrated with facebook zionists

Holiday Break Photo Awards!!!!! (no editing)

Hey don't feel bad if you didn't make it into this set oh photos... sometimes I am shaky with a camera....
sorry.

best Huck with an instrument shot

best kristen looking serenely joyful

best dessa in an awkward pose shot

the grossest shot (she is rubbing his gums, jared seems more fascinated than grossed out)

best ina smile

best melissa looking like a robot or something shot

best new years cheers shot

funniest threesome

best post coitus married couple dancing shot

funniest reunion "~what?" shot

I like this photo but jessica wont.

best Kelsey looking pissed shot

Best french girl being adored shot

best french girl being aloof shot

best pete looking pete shot

best um stuff in sepia?

Best costumed music group shot

Best costumed photo

most ridiculous

best ass shot

best nature shot

Weird Light Shot

Also a weird light shot

Second best Cat shot

Best Cat Shot

Best "Me" Shot

times like this I realize that if I did have a girlfriend I'd be a lot less vocal (enraged) about my politics

I've been thinking very radically lately.

I don't know what it is.... Maybe its this thing in Gaza, where Israel (who has done this before) suddenly makes a huge power play, overthrowing a democratically elected government (Hamas) by claiming self defense. They proceed to kill at least 4-- something civilians and put hundreds (thousands?) in the hospital. They send in ground troops after bombing the cities for days... while claiming Hamas' rockets are justification.... though they haven't killed anyone. 4 Israelis have been killed since this latest outbreak. Israel 4 < 4-- Palestine. The world does nothing. The US supports Israel in these strikes. How do we claim that Iran sending a missle against Israel right now is wrong when Israel has been striking Gaza for a week?
How do we claim its justified to do this?
reporters, politicians and analysts claimed it was something like Havana hitting Miami, or Tijuana hitting San Diego, or Toronto hitting New York.... (That would be a fanfuckingtastic argument if we had any of those cities surrounded, under high level security, had cut off water, food, health services or any other kind of aid for the past few years, if we had drained the entire economy of these cities (countries) to pay for the walls that surround them and the guns that shoot them... forcing them to work at less than minimum wages to maintain our dominance.

(Oh yeah we do that)

Well I guess it is the same thing. Which is why I am against everything right now.
This country is such bullshit. The rich rule and mock us with these laws that strip away our support and protection, while giving us "tax breaks" and "tax rebates" that come out of our pockets at high interest... so that we will never fucking be able to pay it back!
So that we will work our entire lives in this corrupt system, never organizing to shake off the chains, nor demanding justice, or an end to inequality... its too important to pay back our credit card debt. We can't have health care, security, retirement, a house, children or anything... because we cant afford it.
but isn't it a right?
food, water, a safe place to sleep, a roof and walls that protect us from the elements, and education that will help us get by, medicine when we are sick, a blanket to wrap us in when we are born, a box to throw us in when we die...
is that so much to ask for in the "richest country in the history of the world?"

I hate the idea of violence, but if I organized a debt or tax boycott I'd be thrown in prison and worse no one would care.

There ought to be sit-ins in the streets and politician's offices, human barricades of the banks, armies of neighbors turning away the sheriff at every eviction...

and if not... then they ought to lose their protections. Not the middle class, but the great masters of us all who parade around in their fancy jets and foreign automobiles, their suits that cost another person's year of food, their schools that keep us out should be reduced to rubble, their tests ripped up, their credit ratings burned, their weapons taken, their prison's filled with them and their families.


or we could just keep doing this same thing till the water runs out and the wars come.

Lessons learned?

This is why your mom is always saying don't lean back in your chair.

30 bucks for laundry

I also got my room a little more organized. I'm not saying its clean or that everything is in its right place... (my desk for instance looks atrocious)

but its a start.

I need a lamp, yes there are two on that desk, but since my room only has one wall light, what I really need is a nice big room light.

Also need two new chairs. One for each desk, or one that works really well and can go back and forth between them.

I got a bag of clothes if anyone wants em.

A math problem:

I had three tasks to complete today.
but since I slept through the first, conveniently I only have two tasks now.

A) Do laundry... all of it.

B) Go to the Mel Gibson and the Pants show tonight at 9ish.


I have approximately 6 hours minus transportation time to do these things....

how much longer will I sit on my ass before I complete the first one?

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/i_know_youre_listening.png

I have been trying to broaden my horizons of the things I am thankful for. I think this is a good idea because very shortly I will no longer be so surrounded by homies. Already they leave, to Mexico, Colorado, Wisconsin and elsewhere...
but if there is one thing I have been most thankful for these past few weeks it would be all of them.
I have been enjoying myself, relieved and comfortable, excited and surrounded. I feel renewed and rejuvenated by the fulfillment that only seeing people in their element can bring. Its been gorgeous, even in sickness.

I'm trying to finish a 4th book by monday... I just started it today and have only read the preface and such. I think it promises to be the most depressing, anger filled piece in comparison to the others I have read.