Notes from moving.

I reserved a truck for 10 am. So I woke up at 8. Moved 6 items in 12 minutes. Ate fruit. Showered. It's 8:30. Still need to move my bed stuff which is the biggest item... But damn my estimates for timing are off. I have the van for 4 hours. If I load it with boxes I might make a separate trip to my moms house. 

I usually don't have a lot of cognitive dissonance in my life, it's easy to just say "things are complex, bigger than a simplified explanation or opinion."

But when it comes to food, there is still a lot of anxiety and weirdness. Today I experienced this at Leeann Chin, because I read that their fried rice uses mushroom soy sauce. I don't eat their fried rice, but it reminded me that I like

Mushroom soy sauce even though the idea of it gives me  a ridiculous  amount of dissonance verging on physical discomfort.  So odd. 

An apology story

My brother and I were talking about his summer, and about his going back to work. My step mother chimes in about how irritating the trainings are (valid for most who have esperienced them) we agree for a minute and then she names someone specific, a trainer who did a worship of "courageous conversations (concerning race)." She isn't opposed to this in theory, but her perspective of the workshop is that participants should still feel safe, in the "courageous" space. And she alludes to an experience she has discussed with me before where a group of staff of color berated a white man after he asked a question, basically insinuating the man was racist or being racist in the moment- it isn't clear which because she doesn't remember his question, or the tone, only the angry people of color who embarrassed the white man. 

She brings this up, and I role my eyes because it isn't the focus of our conversation and we have different perspectives anyway which she knows, so really she is bringing this up just to assert her whitevictimhood, but she asks me if I rolled my eyes and I reply yes, honestly and go back to having the conversation. She feels cut out and remains silent. Later she complains to my father and all the while my own tension grows to the point where I feel pretty guilty, not because I'm wrong, but because I've hurt her feelings.

Before dinner I decide I'm going to apologize and I do, in front of everyone though not trying to make a show, just to acknowledge I was rude. 

She accepts it and we go on with our days.

I consider my desire to keep the peace, my desire to maintain a good relationship, to keep things going- and I know I've made the right decision.

But I also know I wasn't wrong.

I wasn't wrong in the same way that baby boomers needed to roll their eyes at their own parents when they said something racist or sexist. 

It's not that I think I can win her over, though I'm sure we will have a hundred more conversations. It's that I think she should feel shame and guilt for propagating bullshit in the world, for being fear driven and hypocritical, and victim blaming, and claiming martyrdom and yet I value the peace...

Material and Non-material Goals and Desires

Not that I believe in "the secret" or anything, but this year has helped me to recognize some of the goals I have for the future... So rather than assuming I'm gonna get in a car accident now that I've put a ton of money into my car, I figured I should do this. 

I would like my car to last three to four more years, after which I should be in a relatively good place to make payments on a new one (assuming I find employment after grad school).

Employment at a place where I can have some work life balance, but also feel useful and enjoy my job.

An apartment after gradschool, honestly it would be nice to own, but even being able to afford an apartment that is relatively decent would be good. It is looking likely that I will be living with roommates throughout gradschool because I just can't justify living alone when it costs me an extra 2-3 hundred a month, that's three grand a year I could be saving or paying school debt with.

-so in the meantime a decent low rent place with some peeps maybe a little closer to the river.

Some new pairs of pants, even used without holes or ink stains. Gonna need it for work anyway. 

Gradschool- friends, maybe a girl friend. Some assignments and lessons that make me think. An internship where I get to interact with fun people at a good location.

Hobbies:

-Finish volume 1 before the end of gradschool and publish. That's two years  to write three and a half parts and edit the whole thing. 

Once it is done, I'll feel like I accomplished something, and can take my time on the sequel because already I can tell no one is interested... Existential science fiction is not a popular genre. 

-Start painting again. Maybe make a graphic novel of one of the stories.

-Do some work on the computer editing videos. 

-find a creative group of some sort... So that I don't feel on my own with these sorts of projects.

-have a desk/creative space. 

-practice Spanish occasionally- maybe internship will help. 

Consider Southeast Asia as a honeymoon spot if I ever find anyone. 

Old goals to keep around:

Gramps video

Poetry book

Cd

Clay sculptures

Painting in a gallery

6/7 continents ain't bad.

Been one of those weeks

It hasn't been brutal or anything but a gradual chipping away. Some how I misplaced or lost my iPod and headphones... Don't know where they went.  My car has been in the ship all weekend and the total is over a grand. Between school and rent another thousand. No luck on a new place so far. Cleaned the bathroom for over an hour, it's already dirty. Humid and hot out, flies and stickiness. 

Car

Hi, my car might die, either way it sounds like it's going to be expensive. Thanks 2016, you're the best. 

On a lighter note, Russ is writing a giantess/vore dark comedy. 

And I am basically ready to print rough draft #2. And send it to people.