I began working in the middle of September and until this last holiday weekend hadn’t really had much time for anything else. I guess I’ve been watching a lot of tv as well, and hanging with E., but generally it’s felt like 6 days of work per week due to writing DAs for every new client. I think I’ve had about 35 clients or something, 5 or 6 of them being couples, and about the same amount of teens. It’s been a good mix of clients. Some in retirement age, some mid life, some early 20 somethings. I’ve had a bunch who are already feeling better about the thing that they had come to therapy for, and who are starting to go down to every other week or even -I’ll call when I need a new appointment. And genuinely most of them have said they feel like it was worth their time and money to come in. It feels great to know that they value the experience and feel they got what they needed. I don’t want my clients to stay in therapy forever or get dependent on me…. That being said, it sucks that then I have to get another handful of clients to fill in the schedule.
This week, if no one had canceled (and I already had a few who did), I would have had 31 hours of clients. I don’t actually get paid for all 31, more like 29.5 depending on factors that are insurance based, but that would still be a lot a lot a lot of clients. My ideal is between 22-28. 4 per day would be plenty to keep my head and maybe do some reading and be always caught up with paperwork, but 20 a week is not enough to live on.
I’m enjoying it, but I can’t say I didn’t sort of dread starting the week. It’s a lot of emotions and relationships to balance. I’ve been putting nearly all of my friends on hold for the last three months because the last thing I want to do after a day of talking to people is go talk to more people. Maybe I need to join an activity club / like a minigolf league or something. Dealing with me and E and our families already feels like a lot. Friendship has just fallen by the wayside for now.
But generally. Life has felt very good. There are things I want to add because I think it would be beneficial, like going to the UU church or going for walks/exercising or doing art more often… but they feel like things that will come with time. And I suppose time and energy are the things in short supply.
E wants to have babies, wants to potentially be a stay at home mom, wants to go on a few trips early next year, wants a different home location (eventually). But also isn’t yet sure what she wants to do for work and has bills to pay. I’m not ready to be the sole provider. I just started working again and the idea of 30 clients a week fills me with dread. It’s hard to balance life.
It’s hard to balance. Maybe there isn’t supposed to be one at this stage of life, but I’m trying to find some peace with the things I have and enjoy them for what they are.
We shall see what is to come.
A client remarked today that it’s hard to journal frequently when you feel like nothing new happens. I know that that feels true right now, and that it isn’t in the long run.
But I feel out of material.
