Went to Church today after a strange morning that I will describe shortly.
Church was good, but again I felt like it would have been better Spirit of Truth style. There was something really good about SoT that other services seem to lack. The things I like about the UU Church is that it doesn't trigger me, there are no or very few words that cause that "I am not comfortable with this" feeling. The music is pretty good too. I like the sermons a lot, but though they are incredibly well written -again I feel like they are a half step. The minister is doing the work alone, instead of doing it
with the people. Perhaps its just the nature of being a former teacher, always wanting the facilitator to step up and facilitate.
I had the same reaction to the opposite behavior this week at a discussion following a beautiful movie. The facilitator basically said "so if you want to be a part of the discussion, now is the time..." and then shut up. She gave some final thoughts, and responded to different people, but she didn't lead it. Since we are already on the aside, the movie was called Pride and it was about a group of lesbians and gay people in England who decide to stand up for and raise money for a group of welsh miners. This is during the Margaret Thatcher crack down in the 80s. Both groups grow and change, inspire and challenge each other. It was a beautiful, moving, funny and yet serious film. Totally recommend.
Back to the UU...
The sermon today was about asking the question "Who are we becoming?" (individually, societaly etc) rather than asking the question "What should I do?" The minister gave examples from his life, dealing with his kid (comforting in the night is an opportunity to bond), dropping labels and fear to become friends with a prisoner. One of the readings earlier in the program also dealt with this concept, the professor was testifying in beautiful prose about how she had lived her life professionally(formally) but it wasn't making her feel the richness of her work (or her own spirit), at the request of her students she allowed the wall to drop and became the teacher she wanted to be. If it had been a SoT thing, we might have had some good conversation about our lives based on this question, instead I am writing here.
This morning I rather dramatically threw out my go to line "What am I doing with my life?" which is a statement/question I say quite often even in seemingly benign situations E.G. my papers are disorganized WaIdwml?, I am hungry and can't decide where to eat WaIdwml? and also in the bigger cases like today.
I awoke terrified. Someone had entered my room in the middle of the night and was coming towards me! Totally unexpected situation. I am used to a cat jumping on the end of my bed, but a full human making their way at my face while I am trying desperately to hide in my thin sheets -this is the stuff of nightmares!
She - (yeah strange women are also scary in the middle of the night), seemed to be drunk, was mumbling something and it occurred to me that perhaps this was my roommates girlfriend.
For some reason she decided she needed to sleep in my room , which allowed my fear to become confusion and as her statements became even more strange, eventually I became rather angry.
It was the middle of the night, this woman had invaded my private space, AND was sleeping on top of the kinds of things I'd have removed if I were inviting guests in... which she acknowledged "Why am I laying on top of a plastic pouch (capri sun)?" "whose glasses are these?"
I'd already launched myself into the door way so that I could interrogate her from across the room. "Does he know you are in here?" "What are you doing?" "Where is your home?"
I got no answers that were clear... instead it was a lot of (drunken?) poetry and metaphors and often I wasn't sure she was talking to me at all, more like she was restating the question to herself in order to visualize it. "Why am I sitting on someone's glasses, keeping them from seeing? funny how thats the exact situation..."
Now I was confused and angry, but I was also totally still asleep and couldn't really decipher anything, so instead of kicking her out (I still didn't understand the situation), I just left.
I went and complained on messenger to Jesse, and then began looking up apartments, then (at Jesse's suggestion) masters programs and places in Seattle. It felt like a last straw, like why am I doing this to myself...I've been complaining about my living situation, my lack of money, my general discontent with a bunch of stupid (easily fixed) bullshit.
If I had been 20 and a drunken girl stumbled into my dorm room at College, I'd have thought that was par for the course, but to be dealing with this... why don't I just get my own apartment?
But as the time went on, I started just feeling sorry for her, for them, for whatever. I got a few less hours of sleep so someone who obviously needed it could get some rest. Who knows...
later when I returned to my room to grab things to shower she'd vanished and I started wondering if she'd ever even been there. Was this a ghost? (had nightmares about people coming at me in bed before) Was she the one giving me the message that I need to move on? As I showered and prepared to leave the house, I desperately hoped I wouldn't run into either of them. I wanted to believe instead of some strange craziness that reminded me of too many bad times, that this was instead a vision. A spirit come to tell me to move along.
Who am I becoming?
I've been battling with that question for years. When I was younger my entire world was based on being seen as dependable, there for people, comforting and empathetic. Obviously that hasn't changed too much in the extreme cases, but in the day to day I've become increasingly vacant. I neglect my friendships, I leave the country, I pursue the things I want to pursue... and if you aren't part of peoples' lives than they can't depend on you... and I thought that I wanted that, I wanted a different Mike.
I do want that, to an extent. But I find myself missing being part of a community, being part of a larger whole, where people play roles and go back and forth. Where its not independent or dependent, its both some of the time, and it doesn't matter because there are others around if you aren't. That's what I actually want. And part of the problem is that over time I have decided I don't want it alone. I want it in the context of a relationship, I want a partner who balances me and who I can balance too. I want that relationship as central, and surrounded... and I want it to be meaningful both personally and socially. I don't want a partner who thinks I am amazing and that's the end of it. I want one who encourages me to be amazing, and draws me into places I'd not think to venture. And I want that before I exhaust myself again trying to help people. I want to help, I just want someone to have my back too.
People been asking about the coffee job, about whats next...
The other day I was walking around the lake trying to see people's auras. I can't see colors, but I see shifts in light at the edge of their form and trace the people and sometimes radiate. I'd never tried to do it before, but now it seems really easy. While I was doing this, I decided there are still things on my list that I'd like to pursue. One of them was to be a healer (more mental/emotional than physical). I've been pushing the idea around a bunch in my head... it seems like a path worth developing, and though it seems like hard work, time consuming, sometimes a little dismal... I don't immediately feel the sense of aversion that I do from other things right now. My mind/body/soul has recovered a little, and this seems like a pursuit that would allow that to continue AND give back. To continue the work I've done in the past, to create connections, and teach, and help... but without as much personal burnout (at least that I know of).
I am in the research stage and nothing has jumped yet...
but things are starting to come together, and instead of feeling the cynical -very familiar selfishness that I've been feeling, this is starting to feel like someone I want to become.
I want to write my book, learn spanish, and guitar, paint and maybe perform some poetry... all of these are pursuits I need to continue, but I also need to be part of something, or I'll lose all my muses and passions all together, which is not acceptable to me.
