This is beyond ridiculous
This is why you're fat (pictures and recipes of foods that go beyond)
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Shit son, its been a while... didn't notice sorry.
Well geez... I guess I am back in work mode and not thinking about your kind souls all that much... I did pray today for everyone... but thats beside the point.
What have I been doing that I haven't updated in a week?
I guess uh talking to people or something.
I just got really tired maybe I will wanna update tomorrow.
heres a website I have been going to a lot lately
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
that should keep you heathens entertained.
What have I been doing that I haven't updated in a week?
I guess uh talking to people or something.
I just got really tired maybe I will wanna update tomorrow.
heres a website I have been going to a lot lately
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
that should keep you heathens entertained.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Some Thoughts
Today was a crabby day... that being said it fits rather perfectly with some of the thoughts I had.
Me and Jessica went to see a movie that showed a lot of the worst of humanity. We left a little depressed about humans... I maintained that this is why the movie was good, still it doesn't help the mood right?
1)
I said this to her in the car, but the human mind/soul is a really interesting thing, we are capable of tremendous good and bad... and this seems to be the theme of my mind this summer. I am constantly perplexed by the idea that the same mind is capable of torture and social work, of saving lives and destroying them, and perhaps that in both cases the people may or may not feel that their actions were "good." I mean, I know social workers and teachers and doctors and counselors who at the end of the day aren't proud of the work they did, aren't sure that what they did was good... and I know that there are murderers and rapists and all sorts who think of themselves and their actions of that of a good person. So what does that mean?
Is it all relative?
Is a child molester all dependent on the societal circumstances that they live in? After all in some cultures and time periods it was considered normal and healthy.
Is someone who lets the water run an extra minute in the shower equally as guilty as someone who deprives another of water?
2) I was reading a draft of some chapters of my mom's book. Its a self help book based off her new counseling technique and centers around the idea of healing oneself so that one can act with integrity. Are there times when it is ok, or better, or human nature to want to act without integrity? Is a child who tortures an animal acting with integrity, what about one who is simply learning through dissection? Is a soldier who is following orders in a "just war" acting with integrity, what about an "unjust war"? Is a teacher who yells at a student for acting out, acting with integrity even if the child is justified in their frustration?
Are there times when acting without integrity is ok? Like lying to yourself or another to have a one night stand because you are horny if both people are doing it?
Is it ok to say "well its not hurting anyone" while doing something risky but exciting when perhaps, you are putting yourself(or your relationships) in a precarius situation?
*****update later***** Becky sometimes gets mad at me for thinking about everything sexually... but thats where my mind is sometimes... So for instance: At school we often talk about the issues surrounding the sex industry and sex and gender roles. At times I find myself teaching things I don't actually believe... or that I know are not always true. So for instance I told Illy this once... I understand that it is not a "cool" thing to yell out your car window at a woman walking the street... its immature possibly crude and very likely disrespectful not nessessarily because you are saying something rude, but perhaps just because yelling "hey beautiful" to someone doesn't give them any chance to respond, interact or react for that matter... yet I am sure there are some women who have not had that happen to them or havent had it happen to them in a while and that type of normally unwanted attention may actually remind them that they too are beautiful. Is one person's unwanted attention anothers wanted attention, either way it isn't nessesarily a good thing to act that way... another example I read from a book is this idea of objectifying people... when this happens people feel less a full human person... and more like an object... but are there not people who want that kind of attention?
When you are with a loved one do you not want them to see your sexiness and isn't it often dependent on mood rather than the way they act specifically? All the time I read casual encounters stuff on craigslist and see men women and all others posting about causal hook ups in which they want nothing more than sex... when they are in this mode they aren't asking "What do you do for a living?" or "What makes you feel passionate?" they are asking what gets you off? In what ways can you make me feel sexy? those arent statements that inquire about the well rounded human being that person is... not the person who acts with integrity... just the fuck fiend (in all of us).
3)
Are there times when its ok to have negative feelings and act upon them?
For instance I was crabby today, and if I had been focused on having a positive time, healing myself, acting with integrity... I might not have been crabby, I might not have done some of the actions I did based on being crabby... but am I never entitled to my crabbiness, my depression, my anxiety, my fear, my guilt, shame, grief, rage or anger? Must I always act assertively and with integrity, or is it ok to act shy and passive aggressive... or pissed off and jealous.
Am I responsible for the actions I commit when under these negative feelings? Sure, but do I hold others to that standard, sometimes.
4)
When someone puts you or your situation at risk, do you have the right to hold it against them?
This could range from Person A is affecting my relationship with Person B, or it could be Person C is going to fuck up my job, or Person D is threatening my country, or Person E is acting in a way that threatens my sensibilities of what is right.
Is it ok to hold it against them when they truly believe they are doing the right thing?
Those are some thoughts
Me and Jessica went to see a movie that showed a lot of the worst of humanity. We left a little depressed about humans... I maintained that this is why the movie was good, still it doesn't help the mood right?
1)
I said this to her in the car, but the human mind/soul is a really interesting thing, we are capable of tremendous good and bad... and this seems to be the theme of my mind this summer. I am constantly perplexed by the idea that the same mind is capable of torture and social work, of saving lives and destroying them, and perhaps that in both cases the people may or may not feel that their actions were "good." I mean, I know social workers and teachers and doctors and counselors who at the end of the day aren't proud of the work they did, aren't sure that what they did was good... and I know that there are murderers and rapists and all sorts who think of themselves and their actions of that of a good person. So what does that mean?
Is it all relative?
Is a child molester all dependent on the societal circumstances that they live in? After all in some cultures and time periods it was considered normal and healthy.
Is someone who lets the water run an extra minute in the shower equally as guilty as someone who deprives another of water?
2) I was reading a draft of some chapters of my mom's book. Its a self help book based off her new counseling technique and centers around the idea of healing oneself so that one can act with integrity. Are there times when it is ok, or better, or human nature to want to act without integrity? Is a child who tortures an animal acting with integrity, what about one who is simply learning through dissection? Is a soldier who is following orders in a "just war" acting with integrity, what about an "unjust war"? Is a teacher who yells at a student for acting out, acting with integrity even if the child is justified in their frustration?
Are there times when acting without integrity is ok? Like lying to yourself or another to have a one night stand because you are horny if both people are doing it?
Is it ok to say "well its not hurting anyone" while doing something risky but exciting when perhaps, you are putting yourself(or your relationships) in a precarius situation?
*****update later***** Becky sometimes gets mad at me for thinking about everything sexually... but thats where my mind is sometimes... So for instance: At school we often talk about the issues surrounding the sex industry and sex and gender roles. At times I find myself teaching things I don't actually believe... or that I know are not always true. So for instance I told Illy this once... I understand that it is not a "cool" thing to yell out your car window at a woman walking the street... its immature possibly crude and very likely disrespectful not nessessarily because you are saying something rude, but perhaps just because yelling "hey beautiful" to someone doesn't give them any chance to respond, interact or react for that matter... yet I am sure there are some women who have not had that happen to them or havent had it happen to them in a while and that type of normally unwanted attention may actually remind them that they too are beautiful. Is one person's unwanted attention anothers wanted attention, either way it isn't nessesarily a good thing to act that way... another example I read from a book is this idea of objectifying people... when this happens people feel less a full human person... and more like an object... but are there not people who want that kind of attention?
When you are with a loved one do you not want them to see your sexiness and isn't it often dependent on mood rather than the way they act specifically? All the time I read casual encounters stuff on craigslist and see men women and all others posting about causal hook ups in which they want nothing more than sex... when they are in this mode they aren't asking "What do you do for a living?" or "What makes you feel passionate?" they are asking what gets you off? In what ways can you make me feel sexy? those arent statements that inquire about the well rounded human being that person is... not the person who acts with integrity... just the fuck fiend (in all of us).
3)
Are there times when its ok to have negative feelings and act upon them?
For instance I was crabby today, and if I had been focused on having a positive time, healing myself, acting with integrity... I might not have been crabby, I might not have done some of the actions I did based on being crabby... but am I never entitled to my crabbiness, my depression, my anxiety, my fear, my guilt, shame, grief, rage or anger? Must I always act assertively and with integrity, or is it ok to act shy and passive aggressive... or pissed off and jealous.
Am I responsible for the actions I commit when under these negative feelings? Sure, but do I hold others to that standard, sometimes.
4)
When someone puts you or your situation at risk, do you have the right to hold it against them?
This could range from Person A is affecting my relationship with Person B, or it could be Person C is going to fuck up my job, or Person D is threatening my country, or Person E is acting in a way that threatens my sensibilities of what is right.
Is it ok to hold it against them when they truly believe they are doing the right thing?
Those are some thoughts
Saturday, August 15, 2009
I think I forget about this
With Pete back in town, there are a lot more group activities. More gatherings... this is to be expected and on the first or second night home I stayed up with Pete discussing this effect he has on people. I mentioned it in the positive, and though I still maintain that it is a wonderful trait, I forgot one part of the group dynamic is the inevitable moment in which you realize that perhaps you aren't needed there. Its not that you aren't wanted, loved, cared for... its just that people can focus their attention on the others at any moment... and for someone like me who primarily hangs with one or two people at a time (getting their full attention)... this is a really uncomfortable feeling.
I assume everyone feels that way. I assume I made others feel that way tonight. Now its my turn, and I retreat to my room (like a pouting child or angsty teen). When I think about it, it is this feeling that makes me avoid groups NOT what I would normally say which is that it is hard to get to know people or have real conversations... that may be true too sometimes but primarily it is the fact that sometimes those conversations don't directly involve me... and my ego feels left out. Right now several of my friends are having fun in various locations of my house... but they are fully happy without my presence.
So I write here... a form of insecurity and jealousy arisen, why would anyone want to feel that arounf their friends?
Rather feel left out without being there in the first place and having it so obvious.
I assume everyone feels that way. I assume I made others feel that way tonight. Now its my turn, and I retreat to my room (like a pouting child or angsty teen). When I think about it, it is this feeling that makes me avoid groups NOT what I would normally say which is that it is hard to get to know people or have real conversations... that may be true too sometimes but primarily it is the fact that sometimes those conversations don't directly involve me... and my ego feels left out. Right now several of my friends are having fun in various locations of my house... but they are fully happy without my presence.
So I write here... a form of insecurity and jealousy arisen, why would anyone want to feel that arounf their friends?
Rather feel left out without being there in the first place and having it so obvious.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Sunday, August 09, 2009
As polite as I may be, no one wants to hear me walk around singing "Alice in my fantasies. "
I will not provide context for any of the following photos except to say two brides are pictured in interesting poses.
Well... I had a good weekend so far.
Uh lets just say we seriously considered letting the tornado sober cab us to the hotel.
I got nothing to say really, spent most of the night with Nate and Kate and flirted with Julia as always. Took some pictures.
The evening before I got caught up in the middle of the night thinking about friends...
Its weird to feel sorrow and joy at the same time... pleasure isn't supposed to break your heart, but I been brought to tears with love a time or two.
Gonna take more pictures tonight and not take tequila shots.
Also dead nazis have to be mixed well or they taste like awful.
Well... I had a good weekend so far.
Uh lets just say we seriously considered letting the tornado sober cab us to the hotel.
I got nothing to say really, spent most of the night with Nate and Kate and flirted with Julia as always. Took some pictures.
The evening before I got caught up in the middle of the night thinking about friends...
Its weird to feel sorrow and joy at the same time... pleasure isn't supposed to break your heart, but I been brought to tears with love a time or two.
Gonna take more pictures tonight and not take tequila shots.
Also dead nazis have to be mixed well or they taste like awful.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Friendship is such a weird thing. After years of having friends you'd think you'd be used to it but no. A struggle and a joy.
Tonight I was surrounded by some friends, getting to know new ones, regaling stories of old ones, missing ones and lost ones. I spent part of the night wondering about some. Worried about some. Feeling guilty about some. I spent the entire evening with my best guy friend, who for the most part has been absent for 7 years of my life, yet I love him still. I spent time wondering if some of these friends would remain close, and why I only see some every 6 months, yet if I were to think about people who I enjoyed (genuinely) they would be on that list. I spent time considering whether I would see certain loved ones again, or whether it was too informal (or stepping on toes) to sign "I love you -mike" instead of just "love -mike" in the book of one whom I do love. I discussed the future of friendships and why it wasn't as easy with someone who just returned and how though I wish he would make it easy again... it might not be possible without a commitment, or simply because I was so unable (afraid) or so busy(exhausted). Four friends texted or called me tonight while I was unable to hear my phone. A friend of loved friend, drunkenly told me that when she was writing her speech, she just tried to channel what I would say... and though I never met this woman, I felt touched, and then I felt like a bad friend because I could remember very little about this friend and former roommate of my friend. A friend told me I needed to stop feeling bad about another friend, because I need to live my own life, but I am not sure I am capable. When people were gathering at the tables, I saw the spots diminishing one by one, and noted that there were only 4 spots left and 3 extra people(7 total). I could have taken the spots but I didn't want anyone else to feel left out... so I continued to let them go. Some friends are getting married tomorrow. Part of me wants to go, part of me feels obligated, part of me doesn't want to go. I have no excuse and so I will probably go... but I will never be the life of the party, just the one who makes sure everyone has a seat.
I know its odd, but I miss her already.
Tonight I was surrounded by some friends, getting to know new ones, regaling stories of old ones, missing ones and lost ones. I spent part of the night wondering about some. Worried about some. Feeling guilty about some. I spent the entire evening with my best guy friend, who for the most part has been absent for 7 years of my life, yet I love him still. I spent time wondering if some of these friends would remain close, and why I only see some every 6 months, yet if I were to think about people who I enjoyed (genuinely) they would be on that list. I spent time considering whether I would see certain loved ones again, or whether it was too informal (or stepping on toes) to sign "I love you -mike" instead of just "love -mike" in the book of one whom I do love. I discussed the future of friendships and why it wasn't as easy with someone who just returned and how though I wish he would make it easy again... it might not be possible without a commitment, or simply because I was so unable (afraid) or so busy(exhausted). Four friends texted or called me tonight while I was unable to hear my phone. A friend of loved friend, drunkenly told me that when she was writing her speech, she just tried to channel what I would say... and though I never met this woman, I felt touched, and then I felt like a bad friend because I could remember very little about this friend and former roommate of my friend. A friend told me I needed to stop feeling bad about another friend, because I need to live my own life, but I am not sure I am capable. When people were gathering at the tables, I saw the spots diminishing one by one, and noted that there were only 4 spots left and 3 extra people(7 total). I could have taken the spots but I didn't want anyone else to feel left out... so I continued to let them go. Some friends are getting married tomorrow. Part of me wants to go, part of me feels obligated, part of me doesn't want to go. I have no excuse and so I will probably go... but I will never be the life of the party, just the one who makes sure everyone has a seat.
I know its odd, but I miss her already.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Si for the Tarantulees
I was listening to some Mars Volta and now I am listening to spanish holiday music for the Semana Santa Festival. Its very epic and spanish. I spent a night wandering along the river in Sevilla wondering what that music was and how I could keep it in my heart, but now I just settle for youtube. Sometimes I feel like there is this old music playing in my soul, like as a baby I hummed this or something. I know I used to hum classical music to myself, but the richness of this stuff is incredible and feels like home and like heaven and it makes me understand the pagenantry of Catholicism in a way I never could before. None of this is what I wanted to talk about tonight... but what did I have to say really? A list of goals maybe, or a list of hopes, or a list of things that have happened lately. Pete has returned, I didn't make it to the play, I forgot to call my dad back, Rachel is moving to the cities, I spent some time with Jess V last night and it reminded me of what I am missing not having a girl friend... even though we spent half the time talking about potential partners or in her case (her partner) well actually I talked more than I should. The other day was Alexis' birthday and I missed dating her. I was telling Jess it felt like dating a rock star sometimes, everything was exciting and challenging, and yes sometimes that was annoying and overkill, but it also felt really amazing to know that someone that exciting liked me. Hard to find that again. But maybe I am just afraid of starting over. I know I have been holding myself back a lot. Something occurred to me the other day and that is, I have never had a girlfriend while becky was around. Maybe for a month but then I left. I don't know how it would be. I also feel like I have so many friends now that count on me in some way and I already don't spend enough time with them... my tendency with girlfriends is to be intense and hibernate with them... how will people react if I do that? Something also occurred to me after I spent a few hours talking with Jess because I always wonder why i am so weird around her... and this thought has been said before.. but I tend to believe people fall in love with me for what I can do for them and not for who I am... but I feel uncomfortable around people until I win them over... and then just assume if I share too much they will go away. OH well... heres some things I need to do next week: Buy new shoes, weights, art supplies and any other clothes I need, get my brakes fixed, clean my car, make a dentist appointment, do my laundry, clean my room, see friends, go to some weddings, see my fam, help someone move and possibly go camping.
Monday, August 03, 2009
some stuff
First off) I have really bad circulation or something... so if I die any time soon or in the future remember it was a good ride and that I wasn't all I was cracked up to be.
Second) I am bored but don't really want to do anything.
Third) is there anything to do?
Fourth) too many pretty girls in the world.
Fifth) I told Lacey tonight that I sometimes wished I would take more risks when I was younger, I know that in ten years I will have that same thought about this time period... but I still don't do it.
Second) I am bored but don't really want to do anything.
Third) is there anything to do?
Fourth) too many pretty girls in the world.
Fifth) I told Lacey tonight that I sometimes wished I would take more risks when I was younger, I know that in ten years I will have that same thought about this time period... but I still don't do it.
KT posted this
Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body, and can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly and can you kneel before the king and say ‘I’m clean’, ‘I’m Clean’?
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?
Her white blank page & a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, affections
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart.
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart
Lead my to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
Lead my to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Its Sunday right?
Jessica before Benihana
Sarah and Pete at their Wedding 
The three lovely ladies I primarily hung out with at the wedding. 
The lovely ladies that took me to the zoo 
Rachel and her friend at the Shout House on her birthday.