Mike has lost his voice

I could feel it coming on last week, so I tried to conserve my voice all weekend, but people of course wondered if there was something wrong... then yesterday we were playing a long loud board game and I just plain used it up.
I couldn't talk at all today. I could whisper a little, but of course that is bad for your vocal chords as well...
So I am mute, gesturing and writing and its annoying.
Its also, I think a sort of blessing to be silent, to not be expected to talk, to not always be able to respond with all the things you are thinking.
Its also, somewhat aggravating, to be full of thoughts with out means to communicate. I find I am less social, less desirous of activity... but maybe I am just sick. Maybe this was my body's way of saying shut up and rest.
This last weekend was the SoT retreat. First annual maybe?  We went to a beautiful retreat center near Red Wing and spent the day doing nothing. The place has labyrinths you can walk, lots of nature trails (of course it is hunting season, so you must wear bright fucking orange). Some nice meditation rooms, and pretty much nothing else. We brought games, but didn't play any. Meals and songs, campfires and lots of coffee and cider, a few inspirational moments, a few shared stories.  Mostly fun except maybe the sleeping arrangements (Mike and several others snore loudly and the beds sucked). Good times, nice to have no expectations.

The sound on my computer is officially broken. I will probably have to send my computer in to have it fixed. Its gonna suck. I have no voice to call anyone at tech services anyway. Thanksgiving is going to be LONGGGGGGG if I can't even communicate.  Maybe I will take a nap while others are sitting around.

A dream

I don’t really remember the beginning, I know it was short, I was standing, the room seemed to have lots of people in it. Someone about 15 feet away from me was holding a baby. The baby was sort of glowing in that “I am the center of attention in this room” sort of way. That person was holding the baby and showing it off, I stayed still. I am apprehensive around babies and small children to say the least.  The baby seemed to grow older as the dream progressed but not in a way that seemed weird, when it was in the persons arms it was clearly under a year, but when they set the child down on the floor it looked like it was maybe a one year old, then it saw me, its eyes lit up and it smiled, (at this point it seemed older, maybe one and a half). but it was still crawling, and it screamed in a sort of joyous baby talk way "Mikey" and started crawling toward me. I felt like my body moved without conscious effort, I swept in and picked up the child, comforted the child like I had done it a thousand times. It melted into me in a sort of loving way, like it had found home. Consciously I know I felt awkward, like I would always feel awkward but it felt right. 

I woke up, happy. Happy in a way I have never felt before.  
When I thought about this dream throughout the day I longed for that moment, it almost makes me cry to think about. I don't know what that means. Somewhere in me, I knew this child was something I cherished, I don't know if it was mine or not, but I loved it and it loved me. 
I didn't feel comfortable, I didn't feel like I trusted myself, but I trusted the baby. The baby saw something good in me, and the good in me wanted to respond to her with every ounce of positivity and love I could give.  

I was starting to give up on the sperm donation thing.  I don't know that this dream is actually about that, maybe one of yall is preggers (let me know), but instead of seeing parenting as responsibility and burden, part of me now, just wants that joy.

my housemate's fav band

That's a song by 10cc, which is one of my Housemates favs, they are really talented, and that song is pretty dirty, but most of their stuff is super catchy, even when it is really weird. Music from the 70s.

I am not sure what I have to share. Obviously the election went almost as well as it could. If Michelle Bachmann had lost it would have been perfect... but I was super happy the next morning and most of the day.
I think its been hard to figure out what to do since...
I have time to take on new projects or watch tv or movies or read.
I picked up The Kid  by Dan Savage today... my coworker recommended it.

I went and got a massage. It was good, helpful, but now I am a little sore. Also I think I would prefer a massage therapist who doesn't talk... but since I only get them every other year or so... seems ok.

With time to spare and no non-personal obligations I find myself more contemplative in a bad way. Or rather in, a negative way towards myself.

on the eve

Good song, good video



I had a hard time sleeping last night, and part of it was the election. I think I am excited to vote tomorrow, I think I am excited for it to be over. I think I am excited to win.
Seems strange how my mind has flipped in these last few days from being too scared to believe its possible, to just assuming the right thing will happen.

I was phone calling against voter ID tonight with an auto dialer, but the lines were so busy across the country that it was taking 15-20 minutes for a live phone call and I got fed up and left early, even though I had already had a few good calls. I just felt like I could use my time better.
I called my Dad, I intended to ask him to vote NO on both amendments and chickened out. I think I would rather not carry that resentment if he hasn't changed his mind.

Its hard to understand.

But tonight I am thinking about all the people I love. Its weird how many of them dont live in this state anymore... when I pray for people (which is something I do regularly now, for some reason), I hop around the map trying to remember everyone I know in all the different locations. I think its funny though how I sometimes forget about folks here because I am too busy skipping from state to state.

Anyway, feeling deep longing remembrances.   

Maybe some day I will go back to feeling things in the moment.