The life of a future nerd teacher.
Today I made requests for copies.
Also, I spent about 5 minutes watching the teacher I'm working with write on his giant laminated calendars, and the whole time I was thinking... Where am I gonna get some of these?
Friday, August 31, 2007
I started the sort of work aspect of my school today. Workshops and speeches and shit at the morris area high school. The teacher Im working with seems to see things in pretty much the same way I do, and I like that. Hes got a lot of heart, and that makes me inspired to work with him. I think he has learned to tone down his personal opinions, while maintaining the sort of pleasure and humanity of the job which although not exactly my deal, is something I can certainly learn from.
Today we heard the funniest motivational speaker I have ever seen. He was amazing... 1/3 stand up comedian 1/3 counseling session 1/3 inspirational conclusions. I will try to find his name and get you a link. I was thinking it would be wonderful to have him on tape and listen before class everyday.
Today shouldnt be a fine day, it should be an amazing day.
The best part of today was just watching the teachers interact... they are so human when they arent in teacher mode, and certainly I saw a lot of that this summer, especially things like going out for a drink after work... but today I saw them squirm through lectures, make jokes while people were talking, and have the same discomfort as students get when a speaker asks a pointed question and no one knows exactly what answer they are looking for.
Today we heard the funniest motivational speaker I have ever seen. He was amazing... 1/3 stand up comedian 1/3 counseling session 1/3 inspirational conclusions. I will try to find his name and get you a link. I was thinking it would be wonderful to have him on tape and listen before class everyday.
Today shouldnt be a fine day, it should be an amazing day.
The best part of today was just watching the teachers interact... they are so human when they arent in teacher mode, and certainly I saw a lot of that this summer, especially things like going out for a drink after work... but today I saw them squirm through lectures, make jokes while people were talking, and have the same discomfort as students get when a speaker asks a pointed question and no one knows exactly what answer they are looking for.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
"You know what rhymes with cecil otter? nah whats that? FUCK YOU... its the sex machine"
Sorry for that.
Well it was the first day of classes.... I was apparently supposed to go to some teacher workshops and haven't showed up yet... but I just got the contact e mail from the teacher I'm working with, and shit sounds good... going in tomorrow... sort of oddly nervous... weird to feel nervous about something you have done before... I wonder if every new year I will be nervous before classes.
Its that sort of nervousness where if you truly listened to it, you would quit, drop out of school and hide in your room doing safe activities the rest of your life.. that sort of hidden terror, dread, the kind you don't even pay attention to, too afeared. and what is it that gives you the strength to ignore? not confidence, but maybe experience.
This week shouldn't be so bad... just workshops and maybe room cleaning... and then a class on Friday at noon.
Today I slept.
Sat on the mall for hours watching people and listening to music. Did nothing.
China-d with molly and rock.
floor meeting... awkward conversation... sadly had to admit that there might actually be a reason some of these kids are in spooner -besides the obvious ones of lack of other housing or wanting to be near the school... maybe they are socially awkward...maybe they don't have many friends...maybe they left the floor meeting early so they could go back to their single rooms and watch TV and play on their computers... because they prefer solitude, or maybe they are desperately wanking to some sort of animal porn.
at least they enjoy nature.
whatever... i was thinking of painting but haven't figured anything out to paint yet... and i cant get my computer to recognize the fact that it can burn DVDs.
so that's fun.
you enjoy yourselves... and your cuddling pets.
Sorry for that.
Well it was the first day of classes.... I was apparently supposed to go to some teacher workshops and haven't showed up yet... but I just got the contact e mail from the teacher I'm working with, and shit sounds good... going in tomorrow... sort of oddly nervous... weird to feel nervous about something you have done before... I wonder if every new year I will be nervous before classes.
Its that sort of nervousness where if you truly listened to it, you would quit, drop out of school and hide in your room doing safe activities the rest of your life.. that sort of hidden terror, dread, the kind you don't even pay attention to, too afeared. and what is it that gives you the strength to ignore? not confidence, but maybe experience.
This week shouldn't be so bad... just workshops and maybe room cleaning... and then a class on Friday at noon.
Today I slept.
Sat on the mall for hours watching people and listening to music. Did nothing.
China-d with molly and rock.
floor meeting... awkward conversation... sadly had to admit that there might actually be a reason some of these kids are in spooner -besides the obvious ones of lack of other housing or wanting to be near the school... maybe they are socially awkward...maybe they don't have many friends...maybe they left the floor meeting early so they could go back to their single rooms and watch TV and play on their computers... because they prefer solitude, or maybe they are desperately wanking to some sort of animal porn.
at least they enjoy nature.
whatever... i was thinking of painting but haven't figured anything out to paint yet... and i cant get my computer to recognize the fact that it can burn DVDs.
so that's fun.
you enjoy yourselves... and your cuddling pets.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
weird to be back in morris.
very weird.
I know some people.... some.
I saw Char this afternoon. Char was on my freshman floor, and we looked at eachother like ..."what are you doing here?" and then we joked about how we didnt know all these young people.
Yeah I feel old, but not so old.
Its more the boredom and lack of things going on that is weird. Because I dont know where everyone is, where they live, what they are doing... I dont know if they are even here yet, but the people I have seen have been in similar positions... and we are all quite excited for things to pick up.
My room is a super single, second floor of the only dorm i had never been in.
Its nice though, not a lot in there... I think I need to paint to make it more homey.
Tonight laurel's improv troupe and then? maybe video games with mike the rock?
I have run in to a bunch of people, but its sort of awkward, because many of them didnt know i was coming back... and most of them are sort of the half friends who you love, but rarely see... and now they have to become the full time friends... but dont tell them that yet. Because it will scare them away...
whats this old guy hanging about for?
I went to dons, china, pamida, family dollar and coborns so far.
they redid tmc, it looks funny.
there are flowers all over campus, that look nice colorful trim.
my car seems a great distance from where i lay my head.
it is deadly hot.
freshmen abound.
very weird.
I know some people.... some.
I saw Char this afternoon. Char was on my freshman floor, and we looked at eachother like ..."what are you doing here?" and then we joked about how we didnt know all these young people.
Yeah I feel old, but not so old.
Its more the boredom and lack of things going on that is weird. Because I dont know where everyone is, where they live, what they are doing... I dont know if they are even here yet, but the people I have seen have been in similar positions... and we are all quite excited for things to pick up.
My room is a super single, second floor of the only dorm i had never been in.
Its nice though, not a lot in there... I think I need to paint to make it more homey.
Tonight laurel's improv troupe and then? maybe video games with mike the rock?
I have run in to a bunch of people, but its sort of awkward, because many of them didnt know i was coming back... and most of them are sort of the half friends who you love, but rarely see... and now they have to become the full time friends... but dont tell them that yet. Because it will scare them away...
whats this old guy hanging about for?
I went to dons, china, pamida, family dollar and coborns so far.
they redid tmc, it looks funny.
there are flowers all over campus, that look nice colorful trim.
my car seems a great distance from where i lay my head.
it is deadly hot.
freshmen abound.
Friday, August 24, 2007
My computer is back! and awesome... i have never been so happy with best buy as they were somehow able to keep all of my files (including music, pictures and documents.) now i havent quite confirmed this yet, because one thing they were not able to do was keep my programs... so I have to redownload itunes... and install microsoft office and things of that nature.... also video games, music programs, maybe my printer, camera and video editing stuff.... but thats all simple right.
at this point i am quite pleased... but maybe it will all crash again soon.
Oh so by the way, it also erased my fav places stuff... so i dont know a lot of the websites i normally go to. um so that will take some time... before im checking out everyone's blog and daily comics again... you know.
but good shit... off to morris tomorrow probably. maybe sunday if i chicken out.
at this point i am quite pleased... but maybe it will all crash again soon.
Oh so by the way, it also erased my fav places stuff... so i dont know a lot of the websites i normally go to. um so that will take some time... before im checking out everyone's blog and daily comics again... you know.
but good shit... off to morris tomorrow probably. maybe sunday if i chicken out.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
HMMM general updates.... best buy called yesterday, and said i might be able to fix my comp.... i opted for the cheaper but less saved version of saving pictures and word files... and forgetting things like videos ( all that hard work) and music (hours more of uploading cds, or going the non materialistic way, and just not bringing any music....)
um I just sent the teacher im working with an e mail.... i didnt say much, except that i have no idea what this is all about, and look forward to working with them.
uh im doing laundry....
i was gonna paint of draw tonight, but havent gotten up the urge yet... and its 11:09.
lastly....maybe i have written about this before but.
Me and Illy were recently talking about what we want/need in a relationship... comparing notes and what not..
and i came to the sad realization i have come to many times before... including after each breakup (check there in the archives if you are looking for me saying something like this before)
but uh...
Im pretty boring, and not very datable.
Now i mean this in the sense that, I dont bring a lot of excitement to the table... sure I will go out to eat, see a movie, see a show, see an art gallery or museum... i might go out for coffee.. i might shop. and if u are really lucky, i might go out of the country with you and do all of these things... but thats pretty much it.
I don't usually dance, at clubs or for fun.
I can be romantic, but im not prone to it.
I can be adventurous, but never count on it.
I don't tend to suggest things like picnics, walks, athletic or even fun things like swimming.
I'll do crafty things, but honestly its easier to paint or draw alone, not because its more fun, but because u get something done alone... where as with others, while more fun, people tend to either lazy out of it, or get distracted... so the majority of those things i do.... are uh.... not applicable.
I might goof around, I might be weird when we are out... I might make up jokes or stories, or voices... but around friends this is normal, around life partners (temporary or otherwise) we tend to settle out of these traits and opt for more chillaxing things. more soothing.
Now one can expect me to be a little weird in the bedroom, but I dont tend to go crazy with acts of public affection, thus excitement isnt shared, heightened, rollercoastered...
I do things occasionally like perform songs, or drama, or public readings of poetry, but that is not really as shared an event as it should be.
so in general what does this boil down to?
I can be talked to, we can have lots of conversation... but when you get sick of that I have very few answers... oh and I like to answer, not just listen and that can be super annoying.... because I feel like I have something to offer then... then its active rather than passive...
I can watch movies and listen to music and read stories, but i can be a bit of a snob in all those categories.
I can go out to eat, or cook, but all of you know how weird i am... and that blatantly pisses people off after a while...
I can hang out with people, but if i dont know my place, or dont like your friends, or the scene... well I will make that known.
Uh I can be dragged along on numerous activities that I dont seem excited for, and the truth is.... you better do it.. because I might actually enjoy it a lot.. and I wont ever get it through my head that things like that are fun.
what does that add up to?
weird picky friend material.
thats right... im superfly.
um I just sent the teacher im working with an e mail.... i didnt say much, except that i have no idea what this is all about, and look forward to working with them.
uh im doing laundry....
i was gonna paint of draw tonight, but havent gotten up the urge yet... and its 11:09.
lastly....maybe i have written about this before but.
Me and Illy were recently talking about what we want/need in a relationship... comparing notes and what not..
and i came to the sad realization i have come to many times before... including after each breakup (check there in the archives if you are looking for me saying something like this before)
but uh...
Im pretty boring, and not very datable.
Now i mean this in the sense that, I dont bring a lot of excitement to the table... sure I will go out to eat, see a movie, see a show, see an art gallery or museum... i might go out for coffee.. i might shop. and if u are really lucky, i might go out of the country with you and do all of these things... but thats pretty much it.
I don't usually dance, at clubs or for fun.
I can be romantic, but im not prone to it.
I can be adventurous, but never count on it.
I don't tend to suggest things like picnics, walks, athletic or even fun things like swimming.
I'll do crafty things, but honestly its easier to paint or draw alone, not because its more fun, but because u get something done alone... where as with others, while more fun, people tend to either lazy out of it, or get distracted... so the majority of those things i do.... are uh.... not applicable.
I might goof around, I might be weird when we are out... I might make up jokes or stories, or voices... but around friends this is normal, around life partners (temporary or otherwise) we tend to settle out of these traits and opt for more chillaxing things. more soothing.
Now one can expect me to be a little weird in the bedroom, but I dont tend to go crazy with acts of public affection, thus excitement isnt shared, heightened, rollercoastered...
I do things occasionally like perform songs, or drama, or public readings of poetry, but that is not really as shared an event as it should be.
so in general what does this boil down to?
I can be talked to, we can have lots of conversation... but when you get sick of that I have very few answers... oh and I like to answer, not just listen and that can be super annoying.... because I feel like I have something to offer then... then its active rather than passive...
I can watch movies and listen to music and read stories, but i can be a bit of a snob in all those categories.
I can go out to eat, or cook, but all of you know how weird i am... and that blatantly pisses people off after a while...
I can hang out with people, but if i dont know my place, or dont like your friends, or the scene... well I will make that known.
Uh I can be dragged along on numerous activities that I dont seem excited for, and the truth is.... you better do it.. because I might actually enjoy it a lot.. and I wont ever get it through my head that things like that are fun.
what does that add up to?
weird picky friend material.
thats right... im superfly.
an update on that last story...
um so remember how i said it ways very early in the morning?
and i hadn't slept...
well apparently i didn't read that notice very well... and it actually said that I did pay my taxes, but hadn't paid the guy who did them.... and hadn't signed over the rights for him to do it... which to me meant he hadn't finalized them... but my mom says that is not the case.
so... more in the clear...
thanks for the note kat..
i'm gonna go rack up some more taxes now though... so i can compete.
uh... i spent the night drawing.... you?
um so remember how i said it ways very early in the morning?
and i hadn't slept...
well apparently i didn't read that notice very well... and it actually said that I did pay my taxes, but hadn't paid the guy who did them.... and hadn't signed over the rights for him to do it... which to me meant he hadn't finalized them... but my mom says that is not the case.
so... more in the clear...
thanks for the note kat..
i'm gonna go rack up some more taxes now though... so i can compete.
uh... i spent the night drawing.... you?
Some time during last semester my mom decided me and my brothers were old enough to start handling our own taxes.... I disagree...
this morning... and by morning i mean while laying in bed trying to go to sleep at 5:30... i started randomly going through some stuff in my room... including some envelopes that were marked "tax stuff" and things of that nature.... turns out i didnt pay my taxes this year... now i need to go to the bank to deposit some checks... then to the IRS office in st paul...
Whats funny is, i actually paid the IRS like 2000 bucks already this summer... and now i owe them even more or they will throw me in jail...
and, I think my little brother is in the same position... only he doesnt want to deal with it... so he will probably get thrown in jail.
no mom, we are not ready.
this morning... and by morning i mean while laying in bed trying to go to sleep at 5:30... i started randomly going through some stuff in my room... including some envelopes that were marked "tax stuff" and things of that nature.... turns out i didnt pay my taxes this year... now i need to go to the bank to deposit some checks... then to the IRS office in st paul...
Whats funny is, i actually paid the IRS like 2000 bucks already this summer... and now i owe them even more or they will throw me in jail...
and, I think my little brother is in the same position... only he doesnt want to deal with it... so he will probably get thrown in jail.
no mom, we are not ready.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Maybe I'm just irritable this morning but my dog is annoying the shit out of me... he keeps coming up and sticking his wet ass nose into my side, leaving a wet spot..... and since i saw him drinking out of the toilet earlier I'm pretty sure I dont want to know...
Today im getting my car detailed... im no exactly sure what this entails... but my mom thought it would be funny... so she got me a complete detail for a graduation present.
Becky left yesterday, although her mom says she might have been stuck in chicago for the night due to cancellations and delays. I didnt really get to see her before she left... because i got sick on friday night... i think it was one of those 24 hour viruses... but i also know some of it was nerves.... because being over at becky's house made me sort of nervous/queasy Im not sure why.... it wasnt all that of course cuz i was sick most of yesterday too... but i guess i had built up her leaving in to a really big deal... and so when it was time... i had a hard time facing it...
sort of weird considering I never had a hard time leaving myself...
but then i was thinking about it.. and i have had that feeling with other friends before too... so yeah...
my computer is still at best buy... im gonna call them today and see if they can fix it sooner rather than later... since im headed back to school at the end of the week.
um other big news?
i dunno.
Saw superbad with chris... that was really funny.
uh had a graduation party... which mostly just means i need to write thank you letters now.
been packing and stuff...
tonight me and my brothers are going out... Illy might come too... which will be fun.
Im a little nervous about drinking since yesterday I felt like throwing up all day... but we shall see.
Uh, my aunt gave me a bunch of popcorn balls which are delicious... my dad gave me a bunch of art supplies... i sort of wish i had known that he was planning to do that, cuz i wouldnt have bought so many the other day... and yet still im planning on going back to blick to get more canvases...
oh well... more in the future...
Today im getting my car detailed... im no exactly sure what this entails... but my mom thought it would be funny... so she got me a complete detail for a graduation present.
Becky left yesterday, although her mom says she might have been stuck in chicago for the night due to cancellations and delays. I didnt really get to see her before she left... because i got sick on friday night... i think it was one of those 24 hour viruses... but i also know some of it was nerves.... because being over at becky's house made me sort of nervous/queasy Im not sure why.... it wasnt all that of course cuz i was sick most of yesterday too... but i guess i had built up her leaving in to a really big deal... and so when it was time... i had a hard time facing it...
sort of weird considering I never had a hard time leaving myself...
but then i was thinking about it.. and i have had that feeling with other friends before too... so yeah...
my computer is still at best buy... im gonna call them today and see if they can fix it sooner rather than later... since im headed back to school at the end of the week.
um other big news?
i dunno.
Saw superbad with chris... that was really funny.
uh had a graduation party... which mostly just means i need to write thank you letters now.
been packing and stuff...
tonight me and my brothers are going out... Illy might come too... which will be fun.
Im a little nervous about drinking since yesterday I felt like throwing up all day... but we shall see.
Uh, my aunt gave me a bunch of popcorn balls which are delicious... my dad gave me a bunch of art supplies... i sort of wish i had known that he was planning to do that, cuz i wouldnt have bought so many the other day... and yet still im planning on going back to blick to get more canvases...
oh well... more in the future...
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
So every few years.... or every year... god sends me a nice little wake up call thats says dont be too materialistic... apparently it was time.
Steve flipped the wrong switch, and it blew my harddrive.
this is the 4/5 time depending on how much you count, that i have lost over a years worth of work... all my pictures... word files... music games...
now best buy says they may be able to restore some of it... maybe they can even fix my computer... but if its really shot... well.... then maybe i can buy new software for 200 bucks and start over again... much better than the 1800 i'd have to spend for a new computer... but still..
im glad i put some stuff online... but i dont put it all up... i have thousands of pictures that arent online, lots of poems and stories... stuff people have sent me etc..
my grama's house once burned down, and my mom tried to explain how devastated she was to have lost all her possessions... but like everyone what she missed the most were the pictures. you guys have seen how many pictures i take...
i take them because i love them, and i try to remember every little thing with them...
but god likes to remind me not to hold on to the past. likes to remind me not to hold on to the legacy... the possessions, the thoughts, the creations... that i have convinced myself were safe on my computer.... I entered this world without anything... and I wont leave anything behind either if these sweeping brush fires keep making their way through my pcs every year or two...
im sure blogger will erase this someday... some mechanical error... and it will all be gone.
better start printing out plastic copies right now...
oh well -i will keep you posted, but probably not too much... cuz in a week and a half im sposed to go back to college... and i might not even get my comp back before then...
read books, paint, hang with friends...
you enjoy yourselves now.
Steve flipped the wrong switch, and it blew my harddrive.
this is the 4/5 time depending on how much you count, that i have lost over a years worth of work... all my pictures... word files... music games...
now best buy says they may be able to restore some of it... maybe they can even fix my computer... but if its really shot... well.... then maybe i can buy new software for 200 bucks and start over again... much better than the 1800 i'd have to spend for a new computer... but still..
im glad i put some stuff online... but i dont put it all up... i have thousands of pictures that arent online, lots of poems and stories... stuff people have sent me etc..
my grama's house once burned down, and my mom tried to explain how devastated she was to have lost all her possessions... but like everyone what she missed the most were the pictures. you guys have seen how many pictures i take...
i take them because i love them, and i try to remember every little thing with them...
but god likes to remind me not to hold on to the past. likes to remind me not to hold on to the legacy... the possessions, the thoughts, the creations... that i have convinced myself were safe on my computer.... I entered this world without anything... and I wont leave anything behind either if these sweeping brush fires keep making their way through my pcs every year or two...
im sure blogger will erase this someday... some mechanical error... and it will all be gone.
better start printing out plastic copies right now...
oh well -i will keep you posted, but probably not too much... cuz in a week and a half im sposed to go back to college... and i might not even get my comp back before then...
read books, paint, hang with friends...
you enjoy yourselves now.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
startin to think i should have gone camping... i spent 7 hours at dunn brothers today and illy only worked from 6-11:30... its not so much that i dont like the company, its that everyone is busy. Illy is working like a mofo so she has some cash before school starts... becky is trying to get her grad school shit done. Aimee and jessica shultz have jobs and shit. the kids in town for the week have family and friend events. i spose tomorrow will be better... supposed to have lunch with aimee if she calls... and then help my dad at his house for a while... and then hang with robyn and jessica... maybe nova?
but oh well... i think it would be just as hard watching a new couple (the camping trip) sort of knowledgeable about both... but they are trying to get to know themselves... and i would be like the third tentacle or whatever... plus though i usually love to see people in relationships right now im a jealous monkey.
wrote a poem today. did some drawings and read a good chunk of my new book... which is an artists sort of compilation of portrait sketches of her friends, with excerpts of the conversation she had with them while drawing them. its very interesting.... totally something i would love to do... but it makes me wonder how good she actually is... do they look like the people? were the people affended? did they love them? they are more human/revealing than comicbook fantasy...
oh well shades of fun.
Im gonna watch some west wing.
but oh well... i think it would be just as hard watching a new couple (the camping trip) sort of knowledgeable about both... but they are trying to get to know themselves... and i would be like the third tentacle or whatever... plus though i usually love to see people in relationships right now im a jealous monkey.
wrote a poem today. did some drawings and read a good chunk of my new book... which is an artists sort of compilation of portrait sketches of her friends, with excerpts of the conversation she had with them while drawing them. its very interesting.... totally something i would love to do... but it makes me wonder how good she actually is... do they look like the people? were the people affended? did they love them? they are more human/revealing than comicbook fantasy...
oh well shades of fun.
Im gonna watch some west wing.
Well I didnt end up going out.
I ended up watching 3 movies and taking my rents to the airport for their trip to mexico for scuba diving and what not.
leaves me and steve in the house... and he can be a messy boy.
Anyone wanna have a sleep over party? I got couches.
"all I ever wanted was to pick apart the day, put the pieces back together my way"
you be your sexy scandalous self now you hear.
I ended up watching 3 movies and taking my rents to the airport for their trip to mexico for scuba diving and what not.
leaves me and steve in the house... and he can be a messy boy.
Anyone wanna have a sleep over party? I got couches.
"all I ever wanted was to pick apart the day, put the pieces back together my way"
you be your sexy scandalous self now you hear.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
" and I love her so, I wouldn't trade her for gold, Im walking on moon beams, I was born with a silverspoon"
from the ONCE soundtrack... it was what was playing..
well i aint got much to say really...
um maybe see elizabeth tonight... got to briefly see nova and robyn....
um maybe more of them another day...
becky's back, mels leaving...
mike the rock today... i dunno... illy?
you know stuff
shit what do you take me for? some kind of monopoly guy? some kind of monopolicy guy? some kind of mom-o-political wanker?
from the ONCE soundtrack... it was what was playing..
well i aint got much to say really...
um maybe see elizabeth tonight... got to briefly see nova and robyn....
um maybe more of them another day...
becky's back, mels leaving...
mike the rock today... i dunno... illy?
you know stuff
shit what do you take me for? some kind of monopoly guy? some kind of monopolicy guy? some kind of mom-o-political wanker?
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
beginning part....
didnt know what to do for a background... started looking around online
settled on the white house
close up probably should go back and touch this up...
semi finished product...So whats funny is that besides my foot in this last picture... you can also tell that i wasnt paying attention and screwed up.... i made the white house crooked!!!
oh my god...
but if i die and become famous or something... you can tell them i did it on purpose -implying that the white house was crooked... thats right...
enjoy.
Progression of a painting
In an attempt to find fairchild I joined classmates.com if thats the biggest news i got, its obvious i havent done shit today.
I was supposed to hang with elizabeth today, we shall see if she calls...
mel tomorrow maybe becky. nikki sometime this week? nova is in town so thats happened tonight at 11ish... blue nile open mic... im very tempted to bring something to read. she said some of em are real good.
time is not really my friend... yesterday i spent the whole day at home... and though i did some painting and finished a season of the west wing (now on season 6) I spent the majority of the day looking at old photos and feeling joy and sorrow for the memories that cant be repeated.
I'll finisht the painting probably...
um its possible my dad is having a grad party for me on the 18th anyone wanna come?
I was supposed to hang with elizabeth today, we shall see if she calls...
mel tomorrow maybe becky. nikki sometime this week? nova is in town so thats happened tonight at 11ish... blue nile open mic... im very tempted to bring something to read. she said some of em are real good.
time is not really my friend... yesterday i spent the whole day at home... and though i did some painting and finished a season of the west wing (now on season 6) I spent the majority of the day looking at old photos and feeling joy and sorrow for the memories that cant be repeated.
I'll finisht the painting probably...
um its possible my dad is having a grad party for me on the 18th anyone wanna come?
Monday, August 06, 2007
When adrianne told me about the possibility of making a book of poetry, i didnt take it very seriously... I mean i thought it was cool that she did... but all of a sudden im looking in to it. Not to sell, not to give away really... but just to have something of my own, to feel like i accomplished something. But then I go through all my stuff, and one minute i think "hey this will work" the next "ah i only have like 3 that would be worth it...." then its things like, well if i did do it, how would i group them? would i put the small ones on the same page? categorize by age? style? topic? do I forgive my shitty poems and include them as a part of the process... or cull till there is nothing... do i edit this late in the game?
what would be a title? can i include pictures? should i just make my own, and not deal with the fancy printing? blah blah blah....
yeah then i give up.
what would be a title? can i include pictures? should i just make my own, and not deal with the fancy printing? blah blah blah....
yeah then i give up.
Im not sure what this is... the other day I went to a movie and saw a man in a wheel chair with what was probably his kid, or his nephew... and he seemed to be a vet. And I didnt have anything to do, so I tried to imagine some of the shit he goes through... and wrote this. I dunno what I think about it... I like to try to put myself in other people's shoes... but i know im not doing them justice so i feel like its really sort of shameful too... still i dunno, i like to write about it.
Its not always the big things:
Impatience and frustration builds as my 8 year old son helps the waitress clean up the mess I spilled when the pain suddenly shot through the numbness –and I sit here helpless, while those seated at near by tables give sympathetic but not understanding looks in our direction.
And when I meet their eyes like a man, they turn away.
Its not always the obvious things:
Its not the lack of ramp that’s the trouble, it’s the sticky uneven floor. Its being confined to one floor of my own house when the master bedroom is upstairs. Its trying to dance at a wedding with my wife who sits there patiently eying the other husbands
-leaves me shaken, wondering why she stayed.
Its not the visible things:
Its hour after hour of rehabilitation never sure if it will amount to anything, trying to keep up hope that one day… waiting for insurance and VA checks to come through while I’m nervous about the house payment, oh hell –the kids fall school clothes. Spending an hour in the shower, only to slip on a steel rail, unable to help myself up again. Sometimes my prescriptions don’t show up on time, sometimes they don’t work anyway.
Its not always the easy sacrifice:
When you can’t stand during the ovation at your kid’s play, or show him how to slide in to home. –model, how patriots stand for the flag, or why he should believe in service to this nation. He sees the sacrifice he already gave, questions why, and fills with rage when he sees his daddy ain’t got legs.
Its not always the big things:
Impatience and frustration builds as my 8 year old son helps the waitress clean up the mess I spilled when the pain suddenly shot through the numbness –and I sit here helpless, while those seated at near by tables give sympathetic but not understanding looks in our direction.
And when I meet their eyes like a man, they turn away.
Its not always the obvious things:
Its not the lack of ramp that’s the trouble, it’s the sticky uneven floor. Its being confined to one floor of my own house when the master bedroom is upstairs. Its trying to dance at a wedding with my wife who sits there patiently eying the other husbands
-leaves me shaken, wondering why she stayed.
Its not the visible things:
Its hour after hour of rehabilitation never sure if it will amount to anything, trying to keep up hope that one day… waiting for insurance and VA checks to come through while I’m nervous about the house payment, oh hell –the kids fall school clothes. Spending an hour in the shower, only to slip on a steel rail, unable to help myself up again. Sometimes my prescriptions don’t show up on time, sometimes they don’t work anyway.
Its not always the easy sacrifice:
When you can’t stand during the ovation at your kid’s play, or show him how to slide in to home. –model, how patriots stand for the flag, or why he should believe in service to this nation. He sees the sacrifice he already gave, questions why, and fills with rage when he sees his daddy ain’t got legs.
I think maybe God gives each of us one or two people who love and support us and act like we can do no wrong, even when they shouldnt... even when its obvious that we do them wrong... and they just come back and show us even more that we are loved... i think probably we all get a few, and some people just dont realize it, or arent able to find them in time, and we have them... and we probably are one to someone too...
so that even when its obvious that they are imperfect, we deal with the feelings enough to keep treating them like they are perfect. because each of us, probably needs a few of those, to keep us from falling too far.
so that even when its obvious that they are imperfect, we deal with the feelings enough to keep treating them like they are perfect. because each of us, probably needs a few of those, to keep us from falling too far.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
laurel forgive me.
this has nothing to do with you (laurel), but if i say im lonely or feeling like i need something its just one of those days... you know.
but really... im just questioning a lot of feelings i have right now. Im not sure what to think, because chances are im wrong for the feelings... not that the feelings are wrong... but maybe im just not being as understanding as i should be.
a few days ago i was watching a movie called conversations with god... based on the book series... and the guy or god was saying to the guy, "what would love do?" and that was the point... well in this situation love would say whats bothering it, and then move on and forgive and forget... but I cant really do that until i talk to the person... and I sort of feel like im so wrong that I cant really say it... because I dont take my feelings seriously enough to talk about them sometimes... and thats why i vent on here... because no one is forcing any of you to read...
So I feel like I try so hard, and dont get what i should in return sometimes... and right now is one of those times, and its not with everyone...
and what i hate about it is, that im understanding enough to sort of know its not the person's fault, or that its not something important enough to get upset over... but the problem comes when it starts to feel like that is all it is.... me not getting upset when im hurt, and still trying... and maybe the other person not trying hard enough.
and thats how I end up feeling in all my girlfriend relationships... and that is im sure how they feel about me. but reality is not always the best basis to judge feelings on... and maybe all we really need is reciprocation (that person to make us feel special)at the times when its hardest.
or maybe i just need a girlfriend becuase i suck at being single.
(you suck at relationships too mike)
this has nothing to do with you (laurel), but if i say im lonely or feeling like i need something its just one of those days... you know.
but really... im just questioning a lot of feelings i have right now. Im not sure what to think, because chances are im wrong for the feelings... not that the feelings are wrong... but maybe im just not being as understanding as i should be.
a few days ago i was watching a movie called conversations with god... based on the book series... and the guy or god was saying to the guy, "what would love do?" and that was the point... well in this situation love would say whats bothering it, and then move on and forgive and forget... but I cant really do that until i talk to the person... and I sort of feel like im so wrong that I cant really say it... because I dont take my feelings seriously enough to talk about them sometimes... and thats why i vent on here... because no one is forcing any of you to read...
So I feel like I try so hard, and dont get what i should in return sometimes... and right now is one of those times, and its not with everyone...
and what i hate about it is, that im understanding enough to sort of know its not the person's fault, or that its not something important enough to get upset over... but the problem comes when it starts to feel like that is all it is.... me not getting upset when im hurt, and still trying... and maybe the other person not trying hard enough.
and thats how I end up feeling in all my girlfriend relationships... and that is im sure how they feel about me. but reality is not always the best basis to judge feelings on... and maybe all we really need is reciprocation (that person to make us feel special)at the times when its hardest.
or maybe i just need a girlfriend becuase i suck at being single.
(you suck at relationships too mike)
Apparently I am not gonna go to the uptown art fair this year.... sad.... but ok, i mean last year I really only liked like 3 booths... so thats cool i spose... i should really be writing or painting by myself.
um lets see.... any updates, Uh t-roy is in town. ryan is in town. elizabeth is in town. becky will be soon i guess... so its really gonna be crowded... went to a movie wih krystin the other day, and then a movie with alicia and rachel, and hung out with them other girls.... i dunno.... watched some movies. not much to scream about i guess.
i should put up some angsty lyrics... yes that will happen
finger eleven "glimpse"
tell me what you need to hear and i'll tell it to you again
i can fake it all if you can too
will it stop from bleeding naturally enough
can i hold my tongue in silent the words are slow and repeating
i know you why don't you take what you need and then go away
i know you why don't you take what you need
die to get another glimpse in
so i'll watch the water rinse
until we all get washed away
i never needed someone comforting me
i don't think i told you how i feel tonight
you perfect little angel your beautiful even now
i know you why don't you take what you need and go away
i know you why don't you take what you need
die to get another glimpse
so i'll watch the water rinse
until we all get washed away
i never needed someone comforting me
down i go
there you go! you perfect little angels
um lets see.... any updates, Uh t-roy is in town. ryan is in town. elizabeth is in town. becky will be soon i guess... so its really gonna be crowded... went to a movie wih krystin the other day, and then a movie with alicia and rachel, and hung out with them other girls.... i dunno.... watched some movies. not much to scream about i guess.
i should put up some angsty lyrics... yes that will happen
finger eleven "glimpse"
tell me what you need to hear and i'll tell it to you again
i can fake it all if you can too
will it stop from bleeding naturally enough
can i hold my tongue in silent the words are slow and repeating
i know you why don't you take what you need and then go away
i know you why don't you take what you need
die to get another glimpse in
so i'll watch the water rinse
until we all get washed away
i never needed someone comforting me
i don't think i told you how i feel tonight
you perfect little angel your beautiful even now
i know you why don't you take what you need and go away
i know you why don't you take what you need
die to get another glimpse
so i'll watch the water rinse
until we all get washed away
i never needed someone comforting me
down i go
there you go! you perfect little angels
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Thursday, August 02, 2007
how to describe the off moments...
got nothing truly to say, except that so far i spent longer in dreams than awake today, and woke to find plans broken, and made new ones.
the bridge broke, and families were broken, hopefully both can be put back together.
Tragedy asks a lot of its victims. But it was hard to remain sympathetic when the next headline down read 144 killed in Baghdad.
What is the worth of a life? Not much these days, and even when those around you are affected, one becomes numb far too easily, and our patterns of thought turn in to… “shit traffic is going to be a mess” how it hits us…. But 2-3 hours waiting for your father to call back, because cell phone lines are down and chances are he wasn’t there, but we were right there just minutes before… maybe he took a different route right?
Right.. he did and he is alive, as is everyone else I know… for now.
And I didn’t want to go to the river at first too afraid that we would see something we couldn’t help… but an hour later I saw no reason why not…. Because that’s the way it is… and the cops had it all sealed off, so all you could really make out… was cement in the distance, cement that didn’t look right at that angle…. And everyone walking around trying to see what they could see. Lots of lights, no sirens. Lots of cops standing around doing nothing. Im sure there were rescuers somewhere but this tragedy seemed handled within a few hours… as hopes dimmed of finding survivors.
got nothing truly to say, except that so far i spent longer in dreams than awake today, and woke to find plans broken, and made new ones.
the bridge broke, and families were broken, hopefully both can be put back together.
Tragedy asks a lot of its victims. But it was hard to remain sympathetic when the next headline down read 144 killed in Baghdad.
What is the worth of a life? Not much these days, and even when those around you are affected, one becomes numb far too easily, and our patterns of thought turn in to… “shit traffic is going to be a mess” how it hits us…. But 2-3 hours waiting for your father to call back, because cell phone lines are down and chances are he wasn’t there, but we were right there just minutes before… maybe he took a different route right?
Right.. he did and he is alive, as is everyone else I know… for now.
And I didn’t want to go to the river at first too afraid that we would see something we couldn’t help… but an hour later I saw no reason why not…. Because that’s the way it is… and the cops had it all sealed off, so all you could really make out… was cement in the distance, cement that didn’t look right at that angle…. And everyone walking around trying to see what they could see. Lots of lights, no sirens. Lots of cops standing around doing nothing. Im sure there were rescuers somewhere but this tragedy seemed handled within a few hours… as hopes dimmed of finding survivors.