The Casual Descent Brought on by Time OFF

I've been struggling lately with confidence in the future, specifically me in the future.

Logically I am aware that I am going to Grad School in the fall. I now know I will be interning part time at a community center I like. I will likely work a part time job in addition to these things... and for the most part, that will take up my days.
I imagine it will be two years that goes by under a fairly constant level of strain, not distress but not relaxed, shuffling from project to project, from one appointment on a calendar to the next. I can also imagine that I will try to sneak friends in on the side, as well as the obligatory family gatherings. I will look for someone to date, I will try to do some reading for fun, and some writing -which I mostly imagine will be taken up by Papers and work assignments.  I won't like my part time job, but I will be grateful for the handful of cash that allows me to get through the day with just a little less debt. I may also enjoy the reprieve from difficult things, from mental exertion and compassion, to just "What size Mocha do you want? and with whip?" I may live here unhappily, or I may move and be just as discontent.  I will try to exercise, but likely won't have time. I will try to do other things that are healthy, but likely will pass them by for whatever is most expedient.   And this sinkhole of debt and strain will last a few years.

I will graduate with a Masters but will have to continue practicing in order to get a license for private practice. I may delay on that path because I don't want to be stuck in a room listening to a person at a time, ALL THE TIME. I'll be able to pay off the debt because my grandparents made more money than I could ever hope to. I'll look for something that makes me feel passionate, but instead will land in a job that is draining, and only worth the reward half the time. It won't pay anything so major life purchases will again be put on the dime of someone else. I'll sneak away from time to time for travel. It will seem exciting, and then not. I'll start little audiovisual projects on the computer and maybe finish them. I will keep a guitar or a keyboard around, but I will rarely touch them. I will always have art materials, but months will go by without any effort. I may learn Spanish, here and there, little leaps each time building confidence, but not necessarily fluency. I will write, as I always have, little journal entries, poems and stories, maybe finish a book or a collection,  or give a performance, but likely it won't really have any traction. I will read a lot, and each time wonder why I didn't know that... or believe it to be some new fundamental way of seeing the universe but that ends up changing  my life course in no significant way.
I may or may not date someone. It seems just as likely either way.
I may not have kids because I can't imagine adopting on my own, and if I have a partner we may decide we are too old, or too broke. I may work up the resolve someday to have a cat of my own, but I still won't want to take care of it -same with a yard, same with the universe. I will have roommates because I can't afford to live alone. Or I will have a small apartment. Or I will buy a house and rent out some of it.
I will probably always feel guilty for not making time for people, feel like I should be more invested in community than I am, but when given the opportunity, I'll hide.

Maybe there will be a window of opportunity in which I decide to gamble on some alternate future, some new passion, or a profession in which I take some hobby seriously. Maybe I will meet someone who pushes me into something new, or maybe I will get caught up in the wrong vice, leave the wrong trail and succumb to some societal mishap/failure. Maybe I will die in an accident, or have a body/personality changing experience.

But it's interesting because when I look back I see a clear line that lead here, repeated patterns I am still enacting despite becoming aware of them, and because I am far more stuck in my personality and behaviors than I ever really realized, I see it heading in this direction only.
I am not sure what else there is... what possibilities could occur that would branch from this point in any meaningful way. Perhaps a family. Perhaps global catastrophe. But really it seems pretty straight forward and a bit dull. I love people, but also find them boring. I love learning and processing new information, but also find it unfulfilling. I love helping and serving, but find it draining. I love creating and reflecting but also find it irritating when I can't accomplish what my mind says I should be able to.

Most days I think I am pretty resigned and ok with this. But lately, because I haven't been working and haven't been able to stay as focused as I would like, I am disappointed.

A couple days ago I said it would be nice to not wake up. It wasn't a suicidal thought, nt even necessarily depression, just a boredom thought: if each day is the same, and leads down the same path, why not skip a few here and there. I probably wouldn't even notice.

I can't even picture working anywhere right now because I imagine it to exhaust me in the same way. I can't imagine investing in a person, loving them the way I have people in the past, because it seems to exhausting to be not guaranteed a return. I'd love a vacation just to change things up, but in my ordinary day to day (when I have tons of time) I do the exact same things every day.

Craving novelty without the exertion to find it.

Gjnvfdd

I tried to be productive today, checked the list and all. 

Contemplated computers and their relation to the brain. 

Stayed up way too late playing a silly game.

Still feel like I lost.

Strange how sometimes I claim an  advanced position, other times feel behind.  

It would be nice to not wake up tomorrow. 

I should rename this blog- mike frantically writing down his dreams.

I spent the evening with her. The dynamic was painted in her favor, with the world coalescing above her shoulders and me attempting to do what I could to remove it, without ever actually asking why? Why do you put yourself in this position? Why do you drag me into it? Why am I of so little importance and yet always tagging along. 

In my head I play the role of caring friend, would be protector until the end... And apparently tonight was the end.

We were at a bar-restaurant. Nowhere I would choose, but I'd gone to play the role. The conversation was pleasant and surface and catching up, until slowly the insecurities and jealousies started spilling out. It began innocently, but built to become a fortress. A small slight, (you weren't able to get tickets to a show you wanted to see) became the world against you, your friends, your family, and I picture myself as a safeguard, a spillway, but the conversation left so little room for me. I fought and kicked to stay in your neutral eye, not even the positive, but not against you. 

A man approached. Friendly. You grew defensive, I reacted and sent him away. Your mind tried to solve the puzzle, and painted him a key piece. You wanted my help to escort you. You were already a mess, and frantic, and in survival mode but the idea that you could retrieve or rebuild some lost foundation by talking to this man -seemed plausible, but when I think about it, only because you asked me to be there. No one chases a pack of dogs into a back alley when they are drunk and emotional without receiving new scars. 

You said something about trying to figure out why you have no reflex to self protect, I said that you did and it was strong but only in the moments of absolute necessity. Perhaps I had it all backwards... And realized that -as you began to sniff around the dogs. 

We approached. His friends sat around -ones you didn't know. They seemed like ordinary people, not the beasts of their past lives.  You pretended to buy something, then, even though you'd been ready to go home, you bought two tickets to a later show - something hours away, and I had to push myself- reimagining hours more of this charade.

The restaurant closed. We sat in a back hallway staring at the neon glowing signs that displayed where each club and restaurant were in the building. 

The bench was at first empty, but people left the closing restaurants, they packed in, and the tension they held about their bodies was the same. People in various states of reveal, clothed in jealousies held tight to the chest or shoved in each others faces, in various states of playing the roles. The dogs circled and sniffed about. Some people pet street dogs and get bit. He had a look in his eye that promised mischief, but you thought him flirting, you thought him promising you something I couldn't. I was looking up your directions to walk you through the night and return you safely, I was looking for the boring things people do to entertain each other- when their company is all you really need. You saw me on a phone, and compared it to the glimmer in his eye, and the sparkle of his teeth. 

You turned just slightly and stood up. The beast of a man caught my eye as he assured you.  I recognized what was happening and reacted:

Physically shoving you into his arms. 

As you turned the corner into the alley I did change my mind, I looked. You were gone. So i returned to your things, you left your purse, your jacket. 

All the vulnerable things you'd need kept safe after you returned bleeding...

I woke up and hated myself for doing it. For acting with such anger. But I am pretty sure I walked away, let you be devoured whole. 

And I think the thing that made me angry was not that you were so foolish, or that I acted out, but that the combination of it all meant that in your mind I would no longer be good or neutral, but one of the dogs. That no matter what I said or did, it  was the world against you, with you hellbent to prove it by pushing me away and allowing yourself to be crushed by it. 

The physical person changed a few times during the dream, but the presence was one person. The roles were too familiar. I wonder what I am learning that I can see it so plainly.  And what I am not learning, in that I have no idea how to solve this issue. 

I've been avoiding relationships specifically because I am sick of this dynamic. I am sick of trying to be what the other person wants me to be, always thinking of what they might want me to say before I say something, never sure what to share or not share about myself because I want to be liked. Seeing in a moment the shift of the eyes that signals that line has been crossed.  If it is someone new that line is not so important. Someone old, more so. 

But also I hate my way of reacting, sulking, acting out, making decisions that hurt myself and others in the long run, because I'm unwilling to be honest at the right time... I hate being both these people. I can see this role playing out a million times over and it makes me want to hide instead of asking. 

I'm hiding from this. From this vulnerability, this push and pull of needs that can't be met, and needs for self destruction, because honesty is never a possibility, never assured at least. 

I am sick of playing the roles, so I am not playing any... Not seeking them out and irritated when they call me. 

This dream has never happened. There is not a single actual experience in this situation that is true physically. But at the same time I have never had such an honest dream that so clearly demonstrated the monstrosity of it all, and every single detail was in its right place. Which is the wrong place.