It is mid September. Children are back in school, and I will soon be to work. I start at the next place on Monday. This weekend I might go to SLP high school reunion, and the Renaissance Festival, and see family or friends. A kicking summer's end.
I'm reading East of Eden (another Steinbeck I love). The writing makes me envious and awed. I am crying and astounded. I just read chapter 24 in which Lee translates the story of Cain and Abel, and the commandment of G-d to the people -"thou mayest (conquer sin)" rather than commanding, or promising... provides them the choice. He chose the 25th chapter for the Grapes of Wrath, and the 24th for Eden, I wonder what 23 is in the next book. Anyway... thou mayest.
When I woke up this morning E was crabby, edgy, emo. She started the day with bitterness, and maybe it was the cramps or the dread of work, but she was facing the day with distaste. Her teenage self bracing, claiming she deserved better. I tried not to let it rattle me.
I awoke and felt guilty. Felt guilty for not following through with the letters I promised the kiddos. Like the graduation letters that took me a year to write, I have postponed all summer. I am unsteady in my thoughts and feelings, what to convey? What not to convey? Should it be a simple thanks, or a therapist letter? What I thought would take a weekend, has been drawn and pulled -and in my heart I feel bad for delaying, for leaving them hanging, for being another brick in the wall.
And what have I been doing with this summer? Nesting mostly. I went to the Baltics, and then came home and played computer games. I supported E. We built some routines and a home environment. I've seen friends and family, and the world has turned.
I've been listening to lots of podcasts lately.Yesterday I listened to a few that inspired and one that annoyed me. I am wondering why it was so irritating to me. -The premise was very simple, but I think they made too big a generalization. The theory is that people experience different emotions based on their culture -and the conclusion they came to is thus we are not all the same. I find it irritating. Of course people experience differences of emotions, different understandings, different perspectives and behaviors based on their culture and their language, but that doesn't mean we aren't the same. It means if you try to say all humans are only ________, that is incorrect. That's defining human too narrowly. It means you can't use your subjective lens to interpret all humans, assuming they are exactly like you, but that doesn't mean they aren't like you. In the last few minutes the theorist clarified this, but they spent much of the episode arguing that western ideas of emotion are wrong when really they just meant they speak to western cultural norms. I guess I just felt like they were splitting rather than pointing to the larger whole. My type 9 peacemaker came out. It felt like for much of the episode they were painting an awfully narrow interpretation of humanity, rather than uplifting the fact that humanity can be myriad and still one. Change the limiting definitions, don't throw out the baby.
In contrast, I found this episode of We Can Do Hards Things comforting and uplifting (Website wouldn't load, Dr Becky Kennedy -episodes). The guest provides grace, and allows listeners and the podcasters to embrace their inner child, their flaws, their values and all. I look forward to the next episode.
I've also been listening to the Octavia's Parables -Parable of the Sower episodes. In their episodes the hosts routinely point back to both what are the survival strategies as well as what is possible in this world. And they share the feelings of grief and horror that I feel about the state of our country and the world. Though I know a lot of people have feelings about Adrienne Maree Brown, I do see her as being visionary in naming things that need to be named and pushing for action, rather than just navel gazing. I think people often don't know what to do with that, and then get stuck. I am certainly a thinker/planner, and would discuss things endlessly if there wasn't someone else ready to join in the action.
But it has me thinking a lot about the better world that is possible, not just the sad one that seems present/on the horizon. I walk/drive around minneapolis and see murals everywhere. In their explosion of color it is easy to imagine what could be. Easy to imagine gardens, free clinics, libraries, parks, community gathering and nurturing and educating, and growth. It is easy to imagine because it is present... but then there are other things present as well. Homelessness and chemical dependency, violence and neglect, crime and power over rather than power with. Minneapolis is starved for police because the police here misused their power. What would it look like to have a police that are actually there to support? The Nurses are on strike because their pay and sense of safety, and staffing levels have all been relegated to the backseat rather than being the non negotiable as they have safeguarded our society through the pandemic. The new teacher numbers are down, the teaching staff is in flux, because they were pushed into baby sitting, essentially essential, because the community doesn't take care of its children, but educating and nurturing have gone out the window as the class sizes and resources can't meet the demand. The mental health and medical system is waitlisted, is chaos because mental health specialists have replaced community, and medicine has replaced healthy living. And why? I mean... capitalism. But The podcasters would also say its this white supremacist death cult that would take everyone down rather than lose power, and in Trump and the decline of institutions its hard not to agree. I never thought the republicans or democrats were to be glorified, but jesus, can they at least do their jobs? We have low unemployment in MN. There are more than enough jobs for everyone, but people are still feeling insecure -maybe we ought to prioritize security (meaning support) and then profits?
Some might say that leads to stagnation, so... how do you get people invested and curious and passionate without scaring them? Have we tried that?
No. All the people I know are either taking a step back, or opting out, or preparing to save themselves from the oncoming. It's a scary place to be. But what is really wrong that couldn't be fixed easily if we actually applied a little foresight and action to it.
I still don't know what to write to my clients. I am afraid of saying too much or too little. Thou mayest.
