so you dont think the only thind i do is whine

no idea who or what  but i think its finished

and because I like to be the epitome of what I mean

So every few years I like the therapize myself... I guess I really need it right now again, but instead I am reading this dumb book.
Anywho, I am sitting there wondering why I am so not confident enough to talk to anyone, and also what my core issues are about... I mean I can think it and say it a million times, but I guess I am just not able to use it to my advantage in the way I need to, so I keep thinking about it right?

So I am trying to figure out what injury was done to me, and the book goes with all the extremes of sexual abuse and neglect and like Gaius Balter I am wishing I was a cylon, but its just not true...
so if that shoe doesn't fit, what is the deal?
and I start wondering about this need to talk it out, and also being so deeply scared of that...
there is a guy named Ray who is at the coffee shop, he is an older light skinned black man (at least I assume so). He wears the same outfit every time, dark hat, dark sunglasses, blue shirt, cane.
He sits there, no book or nothing, he looks around the room, I am sure he is staring at people behind those sunglasses and I want to say HI, but not much more... I want to acknowledge his presence as a person, but not be vulnerable enough to have a conversation... but Ray does ask, he asks the woman who seems to be shopping on her computer if there is anything good on the computer... he asks the little girls about school, and he asks the barista a question or two,   and greets anyone who seems familiar enough.... Ray says goodbye twice to the barista before he leaves, even though she is busy and in the second response, she replies "have a good night Ray" with a little forced concern, but also knowing that that is what he needs. 
And I am Ray, or I sit there and wonder if I am Ray, or will be Ray in 20 years... because I want to talk to all the same people, and ask them questions even though they are "busy" and I want to break the ice, and I want someone to say goodbye to me, and I want someone to say hello and how are you and mean it... but these are the things I don't know how to get... -the way I want them, so I am tempted to cry. Because, like Ray, whose name I know because he said goodbye twice, I  need someone to talk to... to spill out all of my ideas and insecurities and shallowness, and deepness... but somewhere a long time ago I was told that was needy...
like everyone responds to Ray like he is needy.
and because it is needy, I was taught you have to offer people something to make it worth their while... and because I don't know what they need, I don't offer me.

Emotionally I need a partner. I always have, but I was called a motor mouth and told to shut up, so instead I just drove myself nuts and asked my fantasies a thousand questions instead of the real people.  My neediness, became my worthlessness, my shame, my failure as a person.
I act upon this self-concept every day, it has totally shaped my life.
I make friends based on it.  My work is based on it. My anxiety is run around in circles because of it. I treat some people with contempt because of it.  I treat others like they are sacred. I treat others like they are outside my realm of understanding based on it. 

ok, so I realize this... now what?
Can I build some other sort of paradigm, can I be like Daniel Quinn and realize all people are needy, and worthy?
Knowing that, does it change anything?  Do I still feel like I can't share my actual thoughts, feelings, cant reach out, etc...

Now what book?

I like the barista's giant eyes

I am sitting in a coffee shop. As always I guess...
I have a list of things to do. One of them is sort of paper I need to write for re-licensure. A statement showing my growth as a teacher. Its hard to know exactly what to write, I mean I would like to be honest and give a real reflection of my growth...
I started a bit too naive and a bit too needy as a teacher. As much as I was aware of it and tried to caution against it, I wanted my students to be my friends. I no longer desire this. My students seem to me to be children, immature and not always very intelligent or reflective. I once thought, oh wow the things I could learn from my fellow human beings (though they be a few years younger than I). I now worry I have lost a little too much of my curiosity, and somewhat long to have that idea that I would learn directly from my students back. I do learn from them, I learn how to push and pull, how to motivate one group of them and then realize that the next group won't be motivated in the same way, so I must adapt and grow myself. I change to meet them but I also have learned that I need to set boundaries on which things I am willing to concede on... I am willing to concede on teaching that one lesson that I personally love, because I believe very firmly that this other one is more important for this batch of students.  I am willing to concede perfect grammar, because I would like this student to realize they don't have to be perfect to get their ideas out... that the world would rather they engage than withhold. In fact the world will reward their engagement, even if rough around the edges...
I have also learned that text books and "facts" have nothing on life lessons... life lessons, paradigm shifts, real critical thinking sometimes requires some evidence, but the evidence itself is not the important piece. I have also learned that tests are bullshit. I mean, already knew that, but as a student I succeeded at taking tests, so I didn't feel the real anguish behind the scenes... now I have my license threatened every time a student slips up during a test... and the real life consequences of variables beyond my control reminds me that these students are being rewarded or punished for things beyond their control... I am becoming more and more convinced that traditional education doesn't serve students, or our society... there is a disconnect there and it is growing on both ends...
Strangely, I am also learning that being an alternative school teacher and being on the front lines of that battle, doesn't afford me enough access to challenge the mainstream, to make the changes I would like to see. I am starting to believe I will have to move away from the students who need help the most, in order to make the most change for all.
That is something I could write... but it won't be what I write... because that is not scientifically backed up... anthropology is not a trusted science.

I have a bunch of ME work to do too... reading a book that challenges my core concepts of self... what the hell am I supposed to do with that? The book assigns written dialogues... I am to write a play between the characters of my mind... all the examples in the book end up with the true self winning, but I am not so sure I am there yet... in fact I would say nightly I recognize I am not there yet.

I  assigned myself a project at SoT today. Over the next three months Grant will be gone, and the idea is that 4 of us each take a few weeks.... Pete started and asked about prophetic practices in our lives... the times we act as if its the better world we believe in. So I was sitting there thinking, ah man I gotta remember all the questions so I don't repeat any... maybe I should write a blog post each week so that I know what we have already reflected on... and then I sat down to write one and totally thought... I am full of myself, no one wants to read this.

I think this plays into the ME work... 

I am having a hard time with one of the chapters I read today... it has nothing to do with what I am thinking about because of course I shouldn't take it so black and white, but the author described living out a fantasy life instead of a real one... and this is soooooooo me.  How often do I sit and ask fantasy people questions instead of venturing to ask the actual person in front of me. 
The guy at Leaann Chin who I wanted to talk to because I felt like I should, because he is always nice when I am there and for a second we pretend like we are friends and then he gives me a free pop which I always feel weird about taking... or the guy I gave bus money to, because I was afraid to give him a ride home... or Huck who came to SoT today, or the girl who works here who was a student at my school before I got there... or the current barista who stared at me a few weeks ago while I was leaving so I wondered who she was... and today is the first time I have seen her since... and I want to ask her questions about her existence... but I also don't want to be creepy. Now she just caught me staring twice... so I definitely went creepy.

Is this the low self esteem thing, or the growing up in MN where no one wants to disturb anyone else thing, or the knowing that baristas aren't actually flirting with coffee shop goers thing, or the knowing that I don't want my fantasies bursted, or the combination of all of these?

But for someone who enjoys fantasy, but also realizes this might impair reality situations... where should the line be?

I have a lot of self control, but not enough to keep from looking... but if what I really want is real intimacy, validation of the real and appropriate, complexity not the simple... why I am so afraid of everything.

Oh I also have to do laundry, and keep reading this annoying book and finish some art, and call some friends to set up plans for the future. 

Its pretty weird when you are not sure whether you want to cry, laugh or just stare...

A friend told me she broke down and became hysterical- and I realized I haven't done that in a long time... if ever. Even my hysterical moments look more like implosion than ex.

this is me staring widely at a computer camera

 

on and on

Been enjoying this song lately, its hard when the last song on the cd is the one you are craving, because you go through the cd, and its great but it builds to that point, sometimes space in and sometimes space out and then you hit the song, and then its over and you have to click through the buttons to set it up again.



Yesterday I spent like 3 hours water-coloring, I wouldn't say I was happy with the results, but I sure was happy for the time, and now its friday, the last of the days of spring break (excluding normal weekends)... and I DID accomplish a few things, but sure would love another week to myself. 

I am pretty much thinking I am going to take a trip to Ireland and maybe parts of Scandinavia over the summer... just cuz I can. It will hold me over till I can head to South America. Shouldn't cost as much as I had planned to spend.

My living situation may be pretty different this summer... one or two of my  housemates may be moving out. One is buying a house (if things go right), the other may move to Oregon.  I appreciate the idea of people moving into their lives, but it sure is a sad day to feel left behind.  Who knows if I will stay in this location, or move up in the world. 
The main benefit of staying (besides not having to move) is that I have the cheapest rent in the city right now (or it feels that way at least).  I think I could live here for quite a while even without a job. The amount I spend on rent  is approximately the amount I save each year in my savings account... which is probably more than most, but not a lot of money. 
I understand this is interesting to no one, but I sometimes write down my current thoughts and actions as documentation that I existed... and that life is mundane... got me? 
Anyway, I could afford a bigger room, and less roommates and maybe adequate storage space... but who needs any of that when you don't have a companion to impress?

There isn't really much else going on I guess... Lots of shifts in relationships, some people going through major things, but I don't get caught up in other people's stuff as much as I used to.   I am actually a little annoyed with my lack of drama, lack of curiosity in people, and general lack of interest in novelty for novelties sake...

anyway... 

I am not having a baby, not moving away, not taking dramatic travels, not changing jobs, not dating and not really hung up too much... so life goes 

working a program

First of all, to whoever is reading this in Washington, I don't know if I know you or not, but I suggest you don't check this blog or the poetry one so often, as it will only lead to disappointment. 
Perhaps like me, you just run a circuit of websites that you check every day or every few days and its no big deal. But this one is only updated every now and then, and that poetry one sometimes goes months without an update.

Listening to Alt-J
Did my taxes using Turbotax. I am a little worried I did it wrong, but whatever. 
Read Providence by Daniel Quinn  it was displayed at the store as if it was new, but I looked later and it has been out for quite a while.  I really liked it.   There was a good poem like piece in there about death... that I want to hide under my pillow in case you find my decaying head upon it. 

Anyway, Quinn seems really familiar, his attempts at perfection and religiosity.

I talked to Ben today about similar things. We are very alike in that way... both striving to be better and starting little projects to see if we can create perfection because we don't feel it inside. 

And yet.... the post's title,   I have not been working a program... but I am wondering if I should be. Part of me still thinks the Gods reward good behavior, that providence will shine upon a man who chooses to give up his demons... though perhaps this is all just a jumble of little kid thoughts similar to the compulsions. 

I have often asked myself if I am an addict.  I am reading this book Breaking the Cycle  
and of course I find parts of it really helpful. The author is big on Eckhart Tolle, and I should probably reread those books... but in the mean time, I find this subject directed approach to be helpful.  After all I read a chapter or two that touched my heart in an uncomfortable way and couldn't pick up the book again for several days.  In the meantime I was perfectly comfortable going back to the validation of porn sites.   But then I read other sections that make me question if this is an addiction or just a dry spell in my relationship life... Is it affecting more work? my money? the way I approach people? my family and friends?  Is it keeping me from pursuing hobbies and interests? new projects?    
NO to all of that.  I am very satisfied in most of those areas...
is my self esteem in certain areas pretty shite? do I go into cycles of shame and reaction? do I worry about my voyeuristic tendencies? do I worry about my lack of boundaries and that someday I may be perceived as a monster?   YES to all of that.... 

So if some of it applies and some doesn't... am I a foot over the cliff or not even close to the edge? 

In the Daniel Quinn book he describes being in his 30s in psychotherapy still feeling like a complete waste of space, like everything is wrong with him... and he challenges his therapist to tell him what she sees in him that convinces her "he isn't really all that bad off".... she says that is for him to figure out... 
he leaves in despair,  on the bus ride home he starts trying to make a list of his good qualities, and suddenly he never has a self esteem problem again.  Before writing the list he believes he won't be able to write a single thing, but he comes up with tons of things.... and though he later thinks some of them are a little lame... he realizes he is normal enough.   and if he is normal... than what he craves is what all people crave. Attention, love, validation... and he can give that.  A week later he meets a woman, asks her on a date and later they get married. This is part of the providence he finds in his life. 
Could it be so easy to find the right life partner?


Who can know anything for sure,
tomorrow may be the day I meet her, 
flower petals open, delight, and sneezes,
songs in coffee shops create joyful tears and legs bruises (from the tapping),
buses and drunk drivers hit people all the time, better to have notes tucked in pockets and under pillows than none at all.
That way you'll know what to do with my body, my love and your tears (if you have any to share).