halfway through a stats final that is due at 6:00pm still got much work to do, sorry i have not posted, new tires on my ride, new brakes manana, then off to south dakota. then to infinity and beyond

and now for some john frusciante lyrics before i go to the last day of work and spend the night doing stats

anne you cant hide
you know we'll find you
its a matter where pride flys out the window
i never got the weight off the ground
i just forgot whats up and whats down
how many get the way i feel now?
theres no regret theres just the sense that
nothing is coming my way
theres so much that happened today
the god's of the city have called my name
it means more to them than it means to me
i've left my body i've left my fate
but it is so hard to keep away
now
nothing is final because
it seems all the while
there wasnt anything for me
i always faked my smile
so many careless angels responsibe for me
they give me disease
they give me a pain in my neck to feed off me
saying pay us the cost and we'll be gone
now they've shut my eyes and I cant see
now
these are the times i was scred of
these are the fates i've pushed out of the way
now they've have come back here to haunt me
its plain to see who the winner and loser will be

shitty day at work left me feeling tired and exhausted and beat, left me sleeping for 5 hours and not visiting illy at work, left me complaining to becky.
but on the plus side? left me with two days left of work at the BS. got two assignments and a final left in stats, got plans to make with my dad steve zach and pete. got people to see like, illy gabs, aimee, ashley, michael a, amy, sarah, and maybe you.
got cds and poetry to print for james and his road trip.
got sopme shit to buy, and if tom is serious about being roomies he better get on to calling his guy.
one more day of pottery hopefully everything will work out, still need to get paint. ya know, the summer is wrapping up and we still got time, but maybe not with me

Im takin geography class so i might as well start studying but for a guy who draws maps when he should be taking notes,
im doing only okay on this,
europe test lots of times it really just depends on what they give you to start,
out of 5 tries i averaged about 87% right,

to clarify the last stuff my last name is ha--ar an americanized variation of hajjar a very common arabic (especially lebanese syrian) last name, im not entirely sure but hajjar may come from "stone" or "stoneworker" which would technically be the same thing jesus was. also hagar is a woman in the early sections of the bible. my name michael is also biblical, michael is an archangel, there are two clearly obvious biblical characters named joesph in the bible as well (jesus's father, and joseph with the coat) both josephs in a senses were able to support and allow their people to thrive considering both were ridiculed and oppressed and different times. The reason i say all this is my family is lebanese, some lebanese people claim to be arab, others do not but they are all part of that magical family that brought about three of the world's largest religions. so i felt especially offended when i realized that the custom's agents who have stopped me very well could have recognized my last name as being tied to this area of the planet (the middle east) and profiled... my dad was recently also taken aside, though he was okay with it,(which bothers me) and it bothers me that many people all over the country with my same last name and other arabic names are not being given the respect and fair treatment theu deserve.

so i wanted to write a series of poems about these incidents that have happened to me, and this is the first one. its not perfect and i think i forgot a couple lines (i tend to write shit in my head and then try to remember it on paper)

but uh we shall see if these other ones actually get written
topics included my name (hajjar) one specific customs agent's lecture to me, sort of the topic in general of being held at an airport and some other stuff i dont remember

but this is the basis of them all

"Customs

Customs agents have stopped me at the border three times

Me thinks its not by coincidence,
So lets describe these incidents…

Coming home to America
I wanted to kiss the soil
Hug and hold my family
Even pledge to be loyal
So sure this was the place for me
Surrounded by my loves
The moment I grabbed my bag off the machine
The customs agents grabbed their gloves

At Canada’s crossing been there many times
These last few have been the worst
But not the foreign side,
No but the home base of course
The “lines” I crossed led us to be held
The car held three children of American mothers
And I the last
to show my pass
accomplices became the others.

He looks like a drug addict a smuggler
Clearly a terrorist undercover
A tired skinny dirty traitor
A flag burning homeland freedom hater

We don’t know that he’s not in disguise
And when we ask we don’t believe his lies
“Where did you train? What drugs have you sold?”
“what is this Arabic!!? in your passport folds?
We want your secrets now that your caught in our net
you ask about profiling, well we can give you this helpful pamphlet.

They know not what they’re searching for
Yet they demand a guilty plea
Soul searching and withholding my anger
I am finally allowed to go free

once at the airport, neighbor’s borders twice
To be identified and denied my rights by little mice
Rodents all whom are taking orders from the top man
Who’s signs away security with a stroke of his bloody hands
Across the nation he initials
G W B
And this elected federal official
Signs away my liberty"

I hung out with nova today after work. Its weird that I dont feel strange at all hanging out with my brothers ex girlfriend when we were all wondering "whens the wedding?" good though, because it means securely that we have been friends all along (not that i was questioning that, just...) i spent the night talking too much, realizing im talking too much feeling stupid and then proceeding to do it again. (i have a bad habit of this, when i die it will say "he talked too much when he meant to listen, he liked listening still he talked, he talked too much and never got to the point and never expressed all of what he meant to say and thus kept talking when really he wanted to listen... what a tragic sillyness"

anyway robin s was there which was great cuz i have hung out with her (with nova) a few times and always feel very comfortable. plus she gets to update me on jessica which makes me worry but... anyway. we talked about traveling because she spent a semester in barcelona and loved it in that way that only people who have traveled can understand, she has a fondness for the place. i think i have lost that in many ways.

we were at this place called Nye's bar (i think) i felt weird cuz neither me nor nova got drinks. but they had an awesome band with three drummers (all different types) a alto sax i think a upright electric bassist and a electric guitarist and they played reggae and funk and jazz and a beautiful jamming mix and the singer played drums while he did it which me and nova thought was awesome but couldn figure out how you could keep the two very different parts going t the same time but he did it...

so it was really good night, except i talked too much of course.
nova is gonna go to israel.

many of my friends will be leaving for long periods of time, and im about to take a road trip during the month that will be the last time i am able to see them for awhile. its an aweful feeling yet we all sort of know its okay...

i posted that last one (satans bed) because for some reason im having a particularly hard time resisting temptation. something im working on, but apparently not putting enough effort into.

The problem is its tied to so many of my excited and happy feelings, sad i know, and yet what do you do to replace it? I mean i sit here and think about stuff and the thought of that temptation is a new dagger of excitement everytime and yet tied to so many thoughts and feelings and commitments that are so against it. The temptation justifies it's self in many ways, ways i have long been convinced by, even lived by to an extent, and this new path is uncertain, im not doing it for anyone but myself because there is no guarantee of any reward from the other, yet my day to day thoughts are pushed back by convincing myself that they will be proud and thus happy, and thus loving, and supportive to a greater extent, and that cycle replays itself and ties back into the temptation in the first place.

so how to break the bonds of this temptation cycle?
i sit, contemplate, distract, feel sad- wonder if that sadness is in direct correlation maybe too the reason i can't think right now, the reason i cant sleep etc. judge, respond-- response so far has been good... but relief? no...

i wish i could use this to some better purpose but i feel drained instead, i feel less alive, less happy. and when im there I cant get enough of her, as if im trying to fill some void in my self through the use of my reaching hands and even further reaching imagination.

and find the occasional pearl jam quote to fill this need to express it all...
"immortality"
vacate is the word...vengeance has no place on me or her
cannot find the comfort in this world
artificial tear...vessel stabbed...next up, volunteers
vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on...
but there's a trapdoor in the sun...immortality...
as privileged as a whore...victims in demand for public show
swept out through the cracks beneath the door
holier than thou, how?
surrendered...executed anyhow
scrawl dissolved, cigar box on the floor...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on too...
he saw the trapdoor in the sun...
immortality...
i cannot stop the thought...i'm running in the dark...
coming up a which way sign...all good truants must decide...
oh, stripped and sold, mom...auctioned forearm...
and whiskers in the sink...
truants move on...cannot stay long
some die just to live...
ohh...

PEARL JAM - Satan's Bed Lyrics (off vitalogy possibly the best of their cds?)


it's not all been said...been said and done...
i've never slept in satan's bed
although i must admit...still visits my place
uninvited, as you know, he don't wait
funny how he always seems to fit in
funny how i always want to give in
sundays, fridays, tuesdays, thursday, the same
sometimes the special guest, he don't like to leave
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...
who made, who made up, made up the myth
that we were born to be covered in bliss?
who set the standard, born to be rich?
such fine examples, skinny little bitch
model, role model, roll some models in blood
get some flesh to stick, so they look like us
i shit and i stink, i'm real, join the club
i'd stop and talk, but i'm already in love
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...
in love...ah ha ha ha...
ah torture...follows reward...
follows torture...follows reward...
oh, oh my butt...
never shook satan's hand, look see for yourself
you'd know it if i had, that shit don't come off
i'll rise and fall, let me take credit for both
jump off a cliff, don't need your help so back off
i'll never suck satan's dick...
again, you'd see it, you know, right round the lips
i'll wait for an angel, but i won't hold my breath
'magine they're busy, think i'm doing okay...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...

I actually did post once inbetween now and that last one but it got erased. I didnt feel the need to retype it so it must not have been very important.

I got an 82% on my midterm which is worth 30% of the grade in the class, the next assignment is like 11 pages long and due tuesday night, got me mighty worried, since i work a sun and tuesday and was trying to have some other plans, see some cats and shit but i guess that aint gonna happen.

Had lunch with my dad today at a malt shop off snelling and 494. i basically blabbed the whole time and i felt bad but just kept talking. its sort of a bad habit. Becky gets mad at me for it, and i know its stupid but its just so easy to talk about nothing when u aint got nothing real to talk about.

gonna have dinner with my brothers at the mongolian barbeque and we will probably ahve an hour wait or something cuz we talking out going at 6:00

right so, like a half a month of stats probably seven more days of work (in 2 weeks)
gotta see a bunch of cats.
7 days remain show on the 28th
giving up porn
friends with becky (for now)

plasure pause III is amazing

i got this stats midterm due manana before i go to work. its pretty harsh, i have had it for a few days and havent gotten shit done, so tonight its like mandatory, nothin fun stats stats stats

Siren

She sang like the wind howling through dusty mountains
The tone reversed seasons
And shattered the glass walls
Of our eyes
The feeling was cotton candy
and nails
and we consumed
it despite the red of the rust
warm tears of pain flowed freely

No, tears of joy
She was a chamber of
Chaos
And
Forced it through holes
like a hose
Trying to direct a waterfall

The red light of analysis flicked on in us
Disturbing the weak in
The crowd

She ripped the organs from her chest
And gave them to us
The screaming of gentle abuse
The microphone began to choke her
Still she refused to give up
Dry screams
Die out

so i know this is gonna sound stupid and all, but i ate like a quarter of a pie and i been feeling sick lately, like im ODing on sugar, its sort of rediculous.
I feel all hung over and shit from sugar....

i watched magnolia tonight when i should have been doing my mid term for stats, i may do that now, but i gotta wake up early today to go to the pottery class, and we all behind and shit is fucked up but i cant really do anything to help it... so yeah, and then i got work, and then ryan wants to go to some cd release party at the 5th element at 11 or midnight or something... eh ya know but it will give me a chance to buy the new sims cd me thinks..

oh lordy what am i doing in life?

as some of you may remember, when i was younger, i wrote a lot of shitty poetry. I use to type it up, but i would type it up in several different programs, and often save it in e mail form which wasn't good...
so it got erased, at least the typed versions.

One of my goals this summer was to retype all of that old shit and start writing some new shit. We shall see, if the second part comes true but i got a bit of a start yesterday on the first part. so for lack of other posts, you will probably have to suffer through some of this...

I wrote this when I was 15

Tainted Nation

This land you live on now,
First found by ice age cavemen
Overdeveloped gorillas, didn’t know who or why or when,
Their only goal to hunt, and survive
Evolution steps in
Tribes of humans start to thrive.

Alien men show up in the water with the sun
Funny looking clothes,
Skin as pale as ghosts
Bright colored hair, fire sticks, 2 x 4s set in a cross
War breaks out, plague takes out, mass population loss

False treaties signed, war kills still,
The body count at hundreds of mil,
White man assimilates, try to break the will,
Of the people who stand proud till they killed.

In Africa colonization begins with slave forts
Europeans trade goods, for slaves at every sea port,
Middle passage is hell
Made worse by the smell
And the “goods” lives end way too short.

Tortured in a small boat, like a dog in a cage,
Make em sick and malnourished, to keep them from rage
No energy to fight back,
And the whip stings when cracked
But the land brings hope
Until they realize nope
Its just another ort to be sold at
Fat white man with a hat
Demands they speak English
For their new found master
“too slow!! Speak faster!!
Cuz that strong one looks like a laster,
For the tobacco fields”
But the master still wields,
The power
In the form of a whip
Like back in the ship
It’s a never ending pain trip.

War with Mexico or Europe seemingly long past
With the first signs of industry popping up fast
Civil war and the outcome, a good day in theory
But though things change a lot, they still don’t change
Racism runs rampant through the hills through the streets
Still a white power nation in control at the judge’s seat
“you drank from a white fountain, used a white bathroom?”
KKK will get you wake up dead in a tomb

19th amendment in history pretty rare,
all of a sudden selfish men learned to share
things may have changed with women’s votes
but the great depression left people without fuel or coats.

Early 20th century, world war shocks the ground,
Gunfire, bombs, and stomping boots are the sound
You hear when you walk on the decaying streets
Of any European town

The cities are in shambles, the camps
Reek of a horrible smell
Though this time its decaying bodies, hurting people, burned to hell
Gas warfare, and napalm
Destroy everything that’s calm
Radio reports of bombs hitting pearl harbor
And machine guns start blazing
Nuclear warfare, people burning while gazing
At the mushroom cloud in the sky
D-day a semi sane world dies

Society suddenly thrusts into a place
Cold war threatens, “Children cover your face!”
Under the desks when you hear the alarm
Don’t know much about it but a nuke will do you harm

Still today people can’t cross a hill, fence or street,
Why do they need to cross just to survive just to eat?
We sit here watching TV in a leather seat
Ask yourself this one while you eat that tasty dairy queen treat
Has America been tainted by cheaters trying to cheat
Minorities always struggling
On plantations they felt the heat
Or modern day society
Feeling police dogs breath on their feet
Always fighting back cuz they know they cant be beat
Never ever except defeat

Society is made up of people so this is what I ask of it
What’s up with this past and present pattern of bigotry us hypocrites
Discrimination aint got no place in this people or from our governments
We cannot sit here doing nothing nor just talking all about this shit
Change may take awhile but we can help at least a little bit.

Ryan and adrianne both have good posts, ryan a bit more worldly and sad, but adriannes is sad too. so check them out


tempted to write love letters
he knows that there is something better
doubt keeps him stammering,
back to the standard
guilt sends its messengers
contemplation brings up nothing new
stuttering with simplicity
he wonders what to do?

I had Itunes on random, 3 songs in a row written by drug addicts, then went to work several more.... alice in chains, sublime, blind melon

I was thinking about all these songs and how the lyricists describe their addiction, all consuming, yet glorified in many ways. I was thinking about how artists often try to express themselves, their lives what they love and life in general, often they become incredibly frustrated trying to capture something so immense and beautiful and scary and all the millions of things life is...

I started wondering if drug addicts become relieved in a sense, that all consuming addiction becomes their life and in many ways could be so much easier to describe.
An all consuming life style impossible to escape from, outside the norm, illicits all the same feelings as life only in the extreme.

its very strange to think these people are living their metaphor.

listening to fugazi while i try to do stats work,


some of you might find this hypocritical


fugazi

"SUGGESTION
why can't i walk down a street free of suggestion?
why can't i walk down a street free of suggestion?!!!!
is my body my only trait in the eye's of men?
in the eye's of men?!!!
i've got some skin!!
and you want to look in!!
I've got some!
there lays no reward
in what you discover
you spent yourself!!!
watching me suffer
suffer you words!!
suffer your eyes!!!
suffer your hands!!
suffer your interpretation....
of what it is
of what it is
of what it is
to be a man!!!!
i've got some skin!!!
you want to look!!!!
i've got some!!!
she does nothing to deserve it
he looks at her cuz he wants to observe it
we sit back like they taught us
we keep quiet like they taught us
he just wants he wants to prove it
she does nothing to remove it
we don't want anyone to mind us
so we play the roles that they assigned us
she does nothing to conceal it
he touches her 'cause he wants to feel it
we blame her for being there
but we are all guilty
Guilty!!!!"

some blind melon lyrics, theres an interesting metaphor in this creepy song

"I'll make a shoehorn outta your skin
I'll make a lampshade of durable skin
And oh, don't you know that I'm always feelin' able
When I'm sittin' home and I'm carving out your navel

When will I realize that this skin I'm in
Hey, it isn't mine
And when will the kill be too much meat for me to hide on

Hey, I could really use a couple of hands
To complete one hell of a plant stand
Oh, and don't you know that I'm caught here in the middle
Making rib cages into coffee tables
I'm just makin' em into coffee tables

And when I realize that this skin I'm in
Hey, it isn't mine
And when will the thrill be too much meat for me to find anymore

Oh, because you know I can't hide
But oh how hard I try
But this is just the shape I'm in, oh yeah
And though you know I can't hide
But oh how hard I try
But this is just the shape I'm in "


shannon hoon's vocal style (the singer (deceased)) reminds me of like janis joplin in that he seems to just give his all sometimes... its really beautiful

statisticas


upon returning home rom dinner and a movie(wa of the worlds) friday night, becky informed me that it was in fact the 1st of the month (cue music) or rather, had been as it was now 12:05, and I in desperation checked the stats website to be informed so coldly of that hard dead truth.

And so it began, for the next few hours I struggled against time, my own will and becky's will, to ge my now late homework done, not only that, but for a time I was sure that i would just quit the class. Becky wouldnt let me. She said she would help, and she did.
Then we worked out a game plan that the entire necxt day would be reserved for stats, we would get 3-4 assignments ahead so that I could stop this silly stressful process of last minute turn ins and threatening quitting.
So we returned to my house, and the website is down. and remains down.
so i still havent turned in that assignment, and im not able yet to access the next couple of assignments. which sucks cuz now i have like 5 days of work to add to the mix. so basically i no longer have time, bu becky is gonna try to come over this afternoon and hopefully the website will be back. i got her dinner as a downpayment for her tutoring.

IMPORTANT IMPORTANT

new supreme court judge, e mail congress people!!!!

http://www.moveonpac.org/protectourrights/?id=5730-4131077-zCpCs3Dxp5paiUmu6cVmag