Noviembre

 I began working in the middle of September and until this last holiday weekend hadn’t really had much time for anything else. I guess I’ve been watching a lot of tv as well, and hanging with E., but generally it’s felt like 6 days of work per week due to writing DAs for every new client. I think I’ve had about 35 clients or something, 5 or 6 of them being couples, and about the same amount of teens. It’s been a good mix of clients. Some in retirement age, some mid life, some early 20 somethings. I’ve had a bunch who are already feeling better about the thing that they had come to therapy for, and who are starting to go down to every other week or even -I’ll call when I need a new appointment. And genuinely most of them have said they feel like it was worth their time and money to come in. It feels great to know that they value the experience and feel they got what they needed. I don’t want my clients to stay in therapy forever or get dependent on me…. That being said, it sucks that then I have to get another handful of clients to fill in the schedule. 

This week, if no one had canceled (and I already had a few who did), I would have had 31 hours of clients. I don’t actually get paid for all 31, more like 29.5 depending on factors that are insurance based, but that would still be a lot a lot a lot of clients. My ideal is between 22-28. 4 per day would be plenty to keep my head and maybe do some reading and be always caught up with paperwork, but 20 a week is not enough to live on. 

I’m enjoying it, but I can’t say I didn’t sort of dread starting the week. It’s a lot of emotions and relationships to balance. I’ve been putting nearly all of my friends on hold for the last three months because the last thing I want to do after a day of talking to people is go talk to more people. Maybe I need to join an activity club / like a minigolf league or something. Dealing with me and E and our families already feels like a lot. Friendship has just fallen by the wayside for now. 

But generally. Life has felt very good. There are things I want to add because I think it would be beneficial, like going to the UU church or going for walks/exercising or doing art more often… but they feel like things that will come with time. And I suppose time and energy are the things in short supply.

E wants to have babies, wants to potentially be a stay at home mom, wants to go on a few trips early next year, wants a different home location (eventually). But also isn’t yet sure what she wants to do for work and has bills to pay. I’m not ready to be the sole provider. I just started working again and the idea of 30 clients a week fills me with dread. It’s hard to balance life. 

It’s hard to balance. Maybe there isn’t supposed to be one at this stage of life, but I’m trying to find some peace with the things I have and enjoy them for what they are. 

We shall see what is to come. 

A client remarked today that it’s hard to journal frequently when you feel like nothing new happens.  I know that that feels true right now, and that it isn’t in  the long run. 

But I feel out of material. 

Summer-end

It is mid September. Children are back in school, and I will soon be to work. I start at the next place on Monday. This weekend I might go to SLP high school reunion, and the Renaissance Festival, and see family or friends. A kicking summer's end. 

I'm reading East of Eden (another Steinbeck I love). The writing makes me envious and awed. I am crying and astounded. I just read chapter 24 in which Lee translates the story of Cain and Abel, and the commandment of G-d to the people -"thou mayest (conquer sin)" rather than commanding, or promising... provides them the choice. He chose the 25th chapter for the Grapes of Wrath, and the 24th for Eden, I wonder what 23 is in the next book.  Anyway... thou mayest. 

When I woke up this morning E was crabby, edgy, emo. She started the day with bitterness, and maybe it was the cramps or the dread of work, but she was facing the day with distaste. Her teenage self bracing, claiming she deserved better. I tried not to let it rattle me. 

I awoke and felt guilty. Felt guilty for not following through with the letters I promised the kiddos. Like the graduation letters that took me a year to write, I have postponed all summer.  I am unsteady in my thoughts and feelings, what to convey? What not to convey?  Should it be a simple thanks, or a therapist letter? What I thought would take a weekend, has been drawn and pulled -and in my heart I feel bad for delaying, for leaving them hanging, for being another brick in the wall. 

And what have I been doing with this summer?  Nesting mostly. I went to the Baltics, and then came home and played computer games. I supported E. We built some routines and a home environment. I've seen friends and family, and the world has turned. 

I've been listening to lots of podcasts lately.Yesterday I listened to a few that inspired and one that annoyed me.  I am wondering why it was so irritating to me. -The premise was very simple, but I think they made too big a generalization. The theory is that people experience different emotions based on their culture -and the conclusion they came to is thus we are not all the same. I find it irritating. Of course people experience differences of emotions, different understandings, different perspectives and behaviors based on their culture and their language, but that doesn't mean we aren't the same. It means if you try to say all humans are only ________, that is incorrect. That's defining human too narrowly. It means you can't use your subjective lens to interpret all humans, assuming they are exactly like you, but  that doesn't mean they aren't like you. In the last few minutes the theorist clarified this, but they spent much of the episode arguing that western ideas of emotion are wrong when really they just meant they speak to western cultural norms. I guess I just felt like they were splitting rather than pointing to the larger whole. My type 9 peacemaker came out. It felt like for much of the episode they were painting an awfully narrow interpretation of humanity, rather than uplifting the fact that humanity can be myriad and still one. Change the limiting definitions, don't throw out the baby. 

In contrast, I found this episode of We Can Do Hards Things comforting and uplifting (Website wouldn't load, Dr Becky Kennedy -episodes). The guest provides grace, and allows listeners and the podcasters to embrace their inner child, their flaws, their values and all. I look forward to the next episode.

I've also been listening to the Octavia's Parables -Parable of the Sower episodes. In their episodes the hosts routinely point back to both what are the survival strategies as well as what is possible in this world. And they share the feelings of grief and horror that I feel about the state of our country and the world. Though I know a lot of people have feelings about Adrienne Maree Brown, I do see her as being visionary in naming things that need to be named and pushing for action, rather than just navel gazing. I think people often don't know what to do with that, and then get stuck. I am certainly a thinker/planner, and would discuss things endlessly if there wasn't someone else ready to join in the action.

But it has me thinking a lot about the better world that is possible, not just the sad one that seems present/on the horizon. I walk/drive around minneapolis and see murals everywhere. In their explosion of color it is easy to imagine what could be. Easy to imagine gardens, free clinics, libraries, parks, community gathering and nurturing and educating, and growth. It is easy to imagine because it is present... but then there are other things present as well. Homelessness and chemical dependency, violence and neglect, crime and power over rather than power with. Minneapolis is starved for police because the police here misused their power. What would it look like to have a police that are actually there to support? The Nurses are on strike because their pay and sense of safety, and staffing levels have all been relegated to the backseat rather than being the non negotiable as they have safeguarded our society through the pandemic. The new teacher numbers are down, the teaching staff is in flux, because they were pushed into baby sitting, essentially essential, because the community doesn't take care of its children, but educating and nurturing have gone out the window as the class sizes and resources can't meet the demand. The mental health and medical system is waitlisted, is chaos because mental health specialists have replaced community, and medicine has replaced healthy living.  And why?  I mean... capitalism. But The podcasters would also say its this white supremacist death cult that would take everyone down rather than lose power, and in Trump and the decline of institutions its hard not to agree. I never thought the republicans or democrats were to be glorified, but jesus, can they at least do their jobs? We have low unemployment in MN. There are more than enough jobs for everyone, but people are still feeling insecure -maybe we ought to prioritize security (meaning support) and then profits? 

Some might say that leads to stagnation, so... how do you get people invested and curious and passionate without scaring them? Have we tried that?

No. All the people I know are either taking a step back, or opting out, or preparing to save themselves from the oncoming. It's a scary place to be. But what is really wrong that couldn't be fixed easily if we actually applied a little foresight and action to it. 

I still don't know what to write to my clients. I am afraid of saying too much or too little. Thou mayest. 

The middle of August

Reading the Naked Now, and listening to Oprah and Eckhart Tolle talk about A New Earth, and all the other jazz discussing the importance of presence. Not allowing the mind or the ego to run the show, but being in the moment, feeling the feels, embodying the body, experiencing what is and not what could be or what should be or what you think might be and so on and on. 

 

I have been home for a few weeks. Nearly three though it already feels longer. The first weekend we went to Wisconsin for E’s father’s retirement. The first week I applied to jobs and the second had interviews. I have chosen a new company, filling out all the preliminary paperwork a little a day. I have insurance BS to deal with. I have a few hankering tasks that pop up, but mostly I am at rest for the next month (start date Sept 19^th). We will go up north at the beginning of Sept. We will probably have a few random things, maybe go to the renaissance festival. In Oct go to Lake Tahoe for Cari and Hector’s wedding. In the mean time I will catch up on my list of shows to watch: Umbrella Academy, Sandman, foundation, the new game of thrones spin off, etc. I will read a few books. I will do some writing. I will wrestle with the little tasks of modern life –changing email passwords and being annoyed with the state of the world. 

 

Can I be present in this time? Can I learn to see without my mind taking over? 

 

This past weekend E and I had an event. She and her sister went to a concert. She got drunk, maybe even had her drink spiked, she hit her head and had to get stitches. She became someone else for a while. We’ve talked over it, and her sister has shared her concerns of just how different she seemed. But underlying was trauma. And it made me very aware that trauma can disrupt a relationship easily. And her trauma of course triggered my experiences of traumatic situations, and my desire to label and judge to protect myself kicked on fully. I can rationalize and categorize all day long and be convincing. I am probably right, but right means there is a wrong, and that doesn’t make a relationship.  Can I be present with myself, can I trust her to be present with herself? Can I support her in that without expecting or judging too much?  

 

I’ve often had this question in my heart, mind, soul of what makes change?  

 

E tries so hard to be with people, to match them in their emotional state, to show them its ok –without judgment. She is all heart. It is validating and comforting, and compelling. I am a better person when she is able to do this, it makes it easier to be a better person. But she loses herself easily in these things, is consumed by the drama of other people when they won’t take the moment of presence she offers and take responsibility for it. She has half the equation right. I am sure that is the right approach for children. She finds herself surrounded by people who then take advantage of her, who don’t accept accountability, and then resents them. It is the caretaker role. I know that role. I experienced it a bit this weekend – felt my desire to support and comfort be twisted and mangled into resentment. 

 

On the flipside, the intellectual pursuit, the perfect strategy, the actions that create structural change?  Distance in the heart, but action of the mind and body. Action. Revolution. Because of course, many inner truths cannot be recognized or realized in a state of external disregard. A person who is seen as lesser cannot change the heart of a person who is unwilling to recognize their humanity. Systems determined to maintain power do not respect the soul or the common good. The sage wrapped in gold, is another ego trap. 

 

Of course it isn’t one or the other, but I found myself so often in Spirit of Truth considering Grant’s externalizing of the issue and thus a remedy an action. When so clearly, many of the issues we were facing were an internal battle. Create the external conditions for change without changing the internal and you have a new system that will replicate the old. Create the conditions for internal change without actualizing the external and you will have a deeper façade to crack, a new layer of self-righteous paint. 

 

I find Grant and E’s Dad and my Mom’s beliefs somewhat limiting. It often feels like an important step but not the whole. My mom believes in a compassionate G-d, but a compassionate G-d allows humans to make the world hell. Where is the larger wisdom?  G-d allows us to come to him, crawling, pleading, broken through our suffering. G-d beams a light of love, shares the comfort, but then allows us to withdraw… choice. And in the choice there is not choice, each new thing created brings about the opportunity for growth or more suffering. Is that choice? 

 

Choose life or choose hell. This is my inner truth revealed, I can hate G-d or I can love G-d but either way I am known and know too well. 

 

But back to the question, is it better to act upon the world in an external fashion, or to spend your energy pressing upon the inside, or rather learning to sit and accept what comes, be grateful for the opportunity EG try not to ask “why is the world doing this to me? But rather why is the world offering me this?” or some variation. What gift is the world offering me through this suffering, this hell, how can I use it to learn and grow?

I find myself more and more falling firmly in the camp of intrapersonal change, or micro level interpersonal change, rather than the macro. Maybe the introvert in me wins, but I am very cynical about the lack of growth brought about by the larger changes in society. When it is so apparent, and people do not change or grow, then what can we do with that? How many people must die must suffer, before we accept that we can do better?

 

And what does it mean for me personally, in my own life, where I avoid connection with others. Where I feel a strong sense of purpose, and get meaning out of so much, but the connection with others feels fraught, maybe they will challenge my peace? Was it really peace then? What does it mean that I conserve, withdraw, do not invite challenge or agitation into my life.  Or is it simply a matter of time and place? I have had meaningful connections and relationships, but there are times when they are not for me. I may love Gabi or Victoria but do I need them in my life right now? Am I to learn and grow from them right now? Or is it better that they experience and enjoy their own sense of self, act in the world of their own accord, their soul’s contract?

 

I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I am shut down and shut out. Sometimes I feel like I am in wait. A temporary retreat, but not a bad thing. Just biding my time.

 The other day I told E, yes, it was a dramatic incident, a memorable one, but is that bad? I am not sure I believe it –obviously, but don’t I spend weekend after weekend without memorable content? 90% of my days fall into this category, a giant melt, so heres a challenge, a puzzle, a moment of stormy content amongst a calm sea. Do I have to attach such judgments to it? Couldn’t I attach some positive story instead of a negative one?  Couldn’t I say, there was that one moment of opportunity that summer, where we recognized things that held us back, and we chose to grow? Can I do that without attaching an additional weight of judgment? If you choose not to grow, it will come around again, it’s a truth a certainty, and a judgment (be strong enough to choose “right”).  I dunno.  No way out of this trap… Accept what is. Maybe we aren’t ready when the moment shows us, maybe we need time to ruminate. Maybe the universe will offer us a different step soon enough. 

 

How will I spend this life?

 

I am excited to start working, though there is some dread as well. The machinations of work, the toil imbedded. No golden paths. All a bit tarnished, all a bit sand paper. Things to slow us down and make us think. Things to slow us down and experience the moment?  Little untidy layers that can hinder or support in growth, and to each their own. It’s kind of miraculous.

But I am looking forward to purpose and meaning, to supporting people in their own journeys. 

 

I have these fears of making the “wrong” choice. It’s funny. It’s like I think there is one path instead of infinite paths. One little bit of karma will keep me here, but why should I be embarrassed or scared of that. Couldn’t I enjoy that one little bit of karma and its polarity? Couldn’t each step on the path, winding or not, be a good step? Forward and back, side to side, up, down, it’s all the dance. What if it’s not a race to get to the finish line, but a dance to enjoy along the way. Maybe those who stay confused the longest are “winning” the dance competition? A life free of drama does not necessarily create a meaningful or exciting or joyful or even peaceful life of presence. How to remain curious, to breathe in, to recognize, to enjoy the colors. I am not pressing myself against the glass trying to get to other side…

So what then? A new haircut? A glamour shot? Writing a book? A vacation? A new home? A dozen children? An orphanage? A houseless roommate housed? What dance steps along the path… 

Trip to the Baltics

 Day 1

I am sitting on the Iceland air flight from Minneapolis to Keflavik. It is nearly 10 pm Minneapolis time, and nearing 3 in Iceland. We are expected to arrive around 7 am. For much of the “night” we will experience the turning of the globe at an angle that allows the left side of the plane to show sunrise? Or sunset? Or twilight of some kind. While the right side provides a view of the night time. 

I remember being in iceland 9 years ago during summer and being awed by the lack of night time. How for a brief period between 1-2 am it was “kind of dark” or “less light.” 

Tomorrow morning I will race forward in the day again, jumping from Iceland to the Baltic states, presumably by crossing the Norwegian Sea, the fjords and mountains of Norway, the Baltic seas and a host of islands I’ll never be able to pronounce. 

I’ll land in Lithuania, a country with a rich history, a former small empire in the polish-Lithuanian commonwealth, a land that in the last few hundred years-much like Poland has been a battleground between Russia (later the Soviet Union) and Germany (and at times it’s Scandinavian neighbors). The Baltic states I have learned have a rich history of cultural traditions stratified by class, where the land owners and leaders spoke and practiced languages and culture different than the people they ruled over. 

I’ll arrive in an old city, modernized by a desire to be closer to the west, where once it had reached east, and later was dragged into it by the soviets. 

The recent conflicts between Russia and Ukraine touch this region though the action is far away, the Baltics continue to fear the grasp. 7/9/22

Day 3-4? I have been in Vilnius for a few days. My mom and grant have been my tour guides and in that short time, we have traversed all of the old city and a bit of the new. Walked through a mall and a market, got a massage chair massage for a euro, eaten a kebab, a few pastries, sorbet, espressos. I’ve seen the interior of a half a dozen beautiful churches, catholic, Lutheran and orthodox. I’ve climbed a hill for a view, and took a funicular for another. Crossed the big river and the small one. Briefly visited the free land of uz (spelling?) and talked politics and culture with the rents. I had my first longer backpacker convo last night. 

My first and second and third impression is that Vilnius is amazing, easy, hospitable. It would be a welcoming experience for any non experienced traveler with just enough differences but so many conveniences that it would be a beautiful and fun adventure. 

Today it is raining, I am on my way to trakai where there is a castle with a beautiful surroundings, but it is pouring and windy and I’m hoping for a single picture without my camera phone getting drenched. The lady at the bus station either misheard me or wanted some extra, I almost lost about 12 bucks on the deal. 

On the bus to trakai, forests tall enough that we’d assume 100-200 years, mix of types. Very green, like the north of mn. Then out of nowhere little warehouse hubs 2x2 blocks?, train tracks and trucking zones, a few miles from the town with nothing else around them. A few miles of  prairie not farm land. 

Small town, grocery store maxima, gas stations circle k and lidl, small farm plots, neighborhood set back a bit. Houses not uniform, different eras. A few miles later a uniform housing development. Small road side stands and bus stops. Feels very sparsely populated but lots of traffic along the road to Vilnius (like being in the country heading back toward the city ) this is 15-20 minutes outside of the biggest city. The further we go, the trees look younger. There are fields, some planted, but a lot with small bushes and trees in them. 

What is the other kind of tree?

7/12/22

Day 8? It’s the 17th. I am in Helsinki headed towards Turku for the day.  The train is not sold out, despite what the ticket agent said. Miscommunication? The benefits of smart phones and booking things online continue to outweigh the old school. For instance, checking into my flight at Vilnius saved me probably 30 minutes or anxiety in a line at the airport. Security was a breeze and I ended up sitting in the airport waiting area for an hour charging and playing on my phone in peace. Maps and online bookings, Wikipedia and wiki travel, google image searches. Weather. Pictures, video and social media. All dated and location searched for you. 

Finland isn’t what I expected, and it is. The look of the people is exactly what I’d assumed. Men with mullets, long hair, mustaches and goatees. Piercings. Tight dark clothes. Women with colorful hair, piercings, uneven hair cuts, mullets. Tattoos. Clothes you buy at hot topic. These are the alternative folks of course but they are abundant. The normals look like blond Scandinavians. There have been times I’ve been stopped in my tracks by the piercing blue of a model-like figure, a father with a beard talking to his children, a woman with cold features. 

The area of Helsinki my hostel

Is in, leaves much to be dreamt of, it’s dismal, not enlivening, not creative, and I can imagine in the winter The depression would be rampant. That being said, it apparently comes from the boom in population that happened in the 60s and 70s and they are doing their best to j corporate restaurants and bars… it’s just Yuckers. The public transportation is great, buses and trams, and ferries, I’ve not yet taken the metro and probably wont. The train seems nice as well.   At least you can speedily leave the ugly areas for the slightly more lively areas of the center. There are parks and downtown shopping malls, there is the market by the harbor and hella coffee places!!! 

That was the most surprising thing in the areas I’m staying in, this is a really Large neighborhood (btw) not like a small chunk of the city. There are very few coffee shops and they don’t open till 10-11. Totally a social thing and not for caffeine regulation of the body. Yesterday I stood outside of a coffee shop for 20 minutes while they readied things, it was 9:40 in the morning and I was growing crabby as hell. They thought it was weird I wanted a quad shot americano. The norm is a double.

Initially I thought everything was expensive, but the longer I’m here the more I just see it as relatively comparable to the states. Maybe even cheaper on many things. Last night I bought to “honey crush” apples (honeycrisp) cost me 2 euros. So maybe some things are cheaper, my 4 shot americano was like 6 bucks and made me think of buying dirty chais for E at spyhouse. 

The cost of transportation when spread over three days has felt much more reasonable. 

The weather has been 50s in the morning, and more like 70 by the afternoon. Totally lovely. Occasionally rainy, but mostly just a bit of random drizzle. Nothing like the torrent of rain I experienced at Trakai. 

That day was perilous* I fought my way (moms umbrella in hand) against the rain and wind towards the castle. Nothing was open, not the ethnography museum or the churches. I stopped at a supermarket for a donut and a dry off. I stopped at a coffee shop for a coffee and a bathroom.  I made it to the castle and toured room after room grateful for the respite from the rain. I was drenched thoroughly, socks, shoes, underwear. My t shirt was dry because of the raincoat but it took me hours to get the rest of me dry (I used a blow dryer on my shoes for 30 minutes). the castle was awesome and informative, but there were half a dozen tour groups of Lithuanians learning their own history, and they had zero personal bubble. It made me afraid of COVID.

The hostel I stayed at was alright, there was a Lithuanian girl who worked there and had dry humor and was flirty. The Australian/kiwi guy who lived next door but helped run the place told wild stories and loved to be the center of attention. 

The only other traveler I really talked to was a guy from LA who was on a quick 3 month world tour. Hed spent some time in India, Egypt, Israel and Jordan. Said Albania was great.  We shared a little of our impressions from a few places and I realized how much places like Poland have probably changed since I was there 15 years ago. How different is the world now? The traveler was 33 and we joked about being up late at midnight and not being able or wanting to keep up with the younger folks. 

Vilnius was great. Later the day of the rain, I got a tour from Ivan, a Russian student living in Lithuania for the last 7 years. He told me about his perspectives of Lithuania, and Russia, lgbtq rights and other stuff. I was surprised how little he knew of the US, and how it was glamorized and not very accurate. 

The following day I went to the Green House and the KGB museum. 

Mom, grant and I got Chinese for lunch, and I was totally worn out. We went to the art museum after (the MO), and it was helpful for the mood.later that night I ran around taking pictures of a stuffed animal for E.

The next day we went to Kaunas(day 5?) I stayed over night and then went to Kedainiai for a day trip the following day. Followed by a rush back to the airport to get to Helsinki. 

Day 7 I spent walking around Helsinkiin the morning, and the island in the afternoon. 

The train from Helsinki to Turku (day 8), forests interrupted by small towns that other than the names of the signs wouldn’t raise an eyebrow from anywhere in the US. The early Scandinavians and Balts who moved to Minnesota forests would have felt entirely at home in the wilderness.  Closer to the city, I was surprised that the apartment thing was so rampant, do any Finns live in houses?  Soon enough I found out that yes they did, but further out.  I am basically traveling the southern coast as far as I know. No ocean in my view, but can’t be too far from the coast. Kind of like Canada not being far from the US, I imagine most Finn’s live near the coast. 

Day 7 in Helsinki, I woke up and couldn’t find coffee. Eventually by about 11

I was walking around the center, caffeinated and getting less grumpy. The buildings in my hostel- neighborhood are all 6-8 stories without much color or design. Downtown it is more like downtown Minneapolis, again buildings are all 5-8 stories, but they vary, they have modern buildings with glass and metal, they have old school buildings from a 170 years ago when they city was being designed by that French guy(I think?) for the Russians. The cathedral is stripped down and simple. A Lutheran cathedral trying to make an example of not being a catholic or orthodox one… so it’s whitewashed and plain. The orthodox cathedral is more stunning outside and in. Apparently Helsinki is where they filmed all the cold war movies because it is similar to St Petersburg which is also a Baltic city just to the east. The downtown buildings have commercial places on the ground and second floor. More bourgeois shopping (grandma style) and restaurants. I ate at Burger King which had McDonald’s chicken nuggets (huh?) same producer I guess. The price was technically cheaper than the US. I kept missing the boat to the island, so I walked around more and saw more things. 

In the market near the port, they sell food and stuffs. Food included a small fried fish (can’t recall) and “reindeer” sausages. Near the end of the day (5pm?) I returned and got a full plate of food including salmon for 10 euros. They were trying to get rid of it and the lady was disappointed I didn’t want more. 

I wouldn’t say Helsinki has a lot to do, other than the islands. I didn’t go to the museums, and maybe they are great. But it felt like there just wasn’t much to see or do. Helsinki as a capital was chosen in the 1800s basically and prior to that it was a small little town. It’s growth has been rapid. Basically it’s got Boston vibes. 

One thing I have been surprised by is the lack of public art. There are a few big wall

Paintings, but it feels like the town could use some color. The sculptures are also pretty muted. 

In Lithuania they had these wall statues of famous people everywhere, every building had a face jutting out and a short description. Helsinki just felt very plain. It’s been voted the most liveable city, and I think of you were in the center you could enjoy it, but for the majority it feels a little gray. 

I also wonder if the 10-11 am wake up thing is better for our health. All of the baltics and Scandinavia follow this I think, and Minnesota sure could use a dose of sleeping in. But our daylight is a little more plentiful in the winter… so I guess we get less hospitable in our sleep habits. 

In my entire trip I’ve been surprised how few people are wearing masks. It’s got to be like 1 in 3000, and usually just older folks. Maybe because people have healthcare here, no one is worried?

Suomalinna (spelling) was what made me actually like helsinki. Being on the water, walking along the coast, hearing the waves and smelling salt water. I grabbed stones from a small beach for E. Thinking about getting a rock grinder again…

The islands were interesting, because people still clearly live there and not sure why/how. In between walking the walled fort, you stumble on playgrounds, home gardens, peoples yards. The church had an actual

Wedding while I was there, (actually ran into multiple weddings yesterday) and the halls and dining spaces were booked up by the locals. The dry dock was impressive! And walking along certain areas, it was clear why the fort was so important, even if the garrison at Helsinki gave up before it, would be hard to get ships

In and out of the harbor without the fort.

I also loved how the land and grass had covered the walls of the fort. felt like you were underground. It was impressive. 

 Briefly got to FaceTime with E yesterday. She was babysitting Trip, it was weird

To see our apartment, to miss it, to miss just sitting with her. It’s only been a week, and basically I have another 11 days or something. Life has felt weird, a vacation and learning, but for what and who? And why show any of it? I haven’t wanted to write blogs or show people. I am satisfied without showing off or needing to be known as much. Thus, my not even talking much with folks at the hostel. For why? I haven’t missed Elsa because I’ve been texting with her daily. I haven’t missed home because everything here is easy. I don’t find myself In my head, j don’t find myself dwelling, I don’t findmuself needy.  I haven’t even necessarily wanted to write. But I am hooked to my phone all the time… for better or worse. 

… Sometimes just playing fruit ninja.

I’m finding little things fascinating. Like the Finn and Swedish streets signs and announcements. Like the cinnamon roll that contains cardamom. Little differences that hold in the mind; but life here seems pretty “normal” to me. I wonder if having E here would have made it more interesting or whether I would have constantly been saying “yeah, but that is like ———-“ and Im whether it is better to compare or allow the pleasure of differences. 

They just made an announcement that the train station is closed and we are being routed to a different one, j have know idea what that will mean to my time in Turku. Will

I spend the time wandering around an unappealing area - never seeing the oldest sections?  

I’ve been listening to these international students the whole trip. All speaking English, but none of them native English speakers. It’s awesome and also I feel like I’m spying on their inane conversation because my ears are attuned to English. This morning I was woken up by an loud argument about vaccinations between an English guy and someone else. It was 6:30 am. What is the point!?!? But oh well, we all follow our drips.

Ferry to Tallinn tomorrow (Reval). It’s funny how I know these older names and didn’t realize the cities were renamed. Where did I learn them? Civ 2? 

From there it is basically another city or two in Estonia (Tartu, Parma?) then on to Riga and a day trip? Then back to Lithuania through the hill of crosses town, and then fly home.  

Walking around Turku: 

When you have the option of a Chinese buffet, you take the option. Otherwise an hour later out of desperation and hunger you pay the same price for a burger that’s bound to suck. 

7/17/22

7/18/22 headed toward Tallinn “I’m on a boat.”

The boat is basically a floating casino. Some restaurants and  a lounge. Considering dropping 20 in a machine. 

I might be the only one wearing a mask. The Tram to get here was so packed and gross that I was glad I put one on. The morning has been basically non eventful - which is good given the circumstances. 

There is an Indian, Pakistan or Persian family sitting across from me with a pregnant mom who is gorgeous but also kind of looks mean- also kind of like a prettier Jackie from headway. At the next table a white girl with braids doing her makeup. It’s too cold for anyone to be done up. The boat is comfy enough, but I wish there was just a deck of seats with no music pumping. 

Last night, as I played fruit ninja, I heard a French guy and a Mexican lady with an English accent talk about COVID, travel and education  (she is in Finland learning best practices). Pretty sure she was up all night doing work, because at 2 and at 8 am she was sitting in the same spot in the hostel lounge. 

I liked Turku yesterday. at first with the gray sky and things closed it reminded me of other cities I’ve entered that just felt like they were functionally their own. Not tourist spots. Milan? Part of Peru or Paraguay or Uruguay. Cities where once you get the basics, nothing stands out too much. As I got closer to the older sections along the river, it started looking more like Vilnius. Buildings built a few hundred years ago and updated. Churches started 500 years ago and updated. I liked it. I kept moving through the city trying to make sure I hit all the spots x but started getting super hungry. 

I alternated between near the river (boats and small businesses), and the city sections (mostly closed on Sunday).  Eventually I got to the maritime museum and the castle. But I was absolutely starving. (Should have gotten the chines buffet). 

The castle was cool, I followed a heavily accented guide for an hour, he gave great information and a few small super dry jokes. The other folks on the tour were an old couple and a couple of kids (grandparents/grandchildren) so I was the primary audience, though he didn’t treat me that way. It was clear he had difficulty explaining things when he could concentrate. 

The tour mostly covered the medieval sections of the castle history. Later I walked through room after room of period displays, and sort of got bored with it. I was wondering why they hadn’t decorated the castle, but they had saved all of that for the other section of the castle. Lots of rebuilding and restoring. 

Outside the castle (unbeknownst to me) they were having a renaissance festival which I missed entirely because I was inside touring. Which sucked. After I saw folks in costumes and the vendors packing up. Some folks eating folded crepes on giant wooden boards. 

I walked back to the train station signing JCSS, grabbed fried rice next to an “erotica Asian massage” place - had contemplated…

Feels some pigeons and made my way home in the train next to a coughing soldier. The whole train was full of soldiers and sailors but it looked like they were all going home, not being called up. 

Super young. Apparently they have conscription at 18 for males at least. 

I walked around the city center for another 45 minutes then went home to the hostel. It was my lease active day (4 hours of train) but I was still exhausted. I feel like I’m gonna crash when I get home. Maybe take a few weeks off while I look for a job. 

Only regret from Finland, not seeing any museums… would have been some good art I think - in hindsight. 

I have been avoiding the green house and kgb day because it was emotionally exhausting. But maybe I’ll just give the brief. The greenhouse was a safe house museum with the ground floor giving all the information about the holocaust in Lithuania, each city, documentation, photos, maps everything. The hot blooded open killing and the cold blooded calculated killing all documented. It was overwhelming intellectually but mostly stuff that I’ve heard or had been alluded to. The upstairs had an attic space where people had hid, and a short audio video describing one boys experience which made me cry. Just the awfulness of it. 

The kgb museum did not make me cry. The bottom floor showed the actual conditions, cold stately building of cement and brick with the paint chipping away (they have allowed the paint layers to show to demonstrate how many times they had to paint to cover prisoners writing. The torture rooms, the execution room. It was all gross and also felt historical even though it was within a few generations. The majority of the early people were between 20-50, but also older political/religious leaders. 

The other floors showed the history of the Soviet occupation/ and administration of the police state. Talked about the differences between exile to Siberia and concentration camps. Showed the ridiculous spying that went on… it was all very technical but also incredibly overwhelming.  A purge of information about something, but less emotionally driven. They need to break down the narrative and share stories… but they haven’t, or have too many stories to share. 

The MO museum was a break by comparison but had some great exhibits, one on the Roma of Lithuania (current day) and another in the two cities of Vilnius and Kaunas and the interplay between them. It was a great preview for the next day, with great descriptions but also felt a bit dramatic. 

Kaunas was alright. It wasn’t as pretty and is under construction (to make it more pretty), so the old part of the city felt a bit empty. I was glad to do it as a single day rather than stretch it out. There was a beautiful st Michael the archangel church(the best)and we visited the devil museum but other than that I wasn’t that impressed. The city was fine, I’m sure under different circumstances I’d have spent some more time enjoying it, but I was eager to see more of the country and to say goodbye to my mom and grant and start my own trip. 

Kedainiai, wasn’t much to see. A small town, nice but nothing too special. Enjoyed the tome but was anxious to get on the bus so as to not miss my flight. 

The best part was probably the art gallery which wasn’t that big, but was lively and there were kids doing art in the upstairs section. Glad I made time for that, the rest was a bit underwhelming. 

7/20/22 headed toward Tartu on a train.

There is a girl sitting across from me that looks incredibly familiar, but I can’t place her. Everyone in the train is in their phone or a device. An Indian family is listening to Indian music, I was surprised by how loud they were when they got on. 

I’ve been reflecting on the differences Of 20 years in travel in Eastern Europe and generally. 

My hotel? Is a 45 minute (3k) walk from the train station so I will have my bag today. But can’t check in till 2 or 3 anyway. I have to either cut through or go around the university of Tartu to get there. Not sure what else to see in the city but I basically gave myself till 4 or so tomorrow. Maybe it will be a place to chill? I haven’t chilled much. I’ve been rushing from place to place, and distracting myself on my phone. I have t just people watched. I haven’t allowed myself to get bored or all that contemplative. 

It’s different than a normal backpacking trip, it’s not lonely. I’m actually avoiding people everywhere I go. I don’t know if that is because of E or because of me.  My thoughts are at times of home. I like my life. I’m excited to continue it.  Im not really running from anything this time. And not exploring for a cause (to teach), so I let things go fairly easily. Why see another church? Will it be memorable? Why see another museum, will it be memorable? What would be life giving or changing? 

I’ve seen some castles and some shopping malls and some markets and some art. I’m ready to move on. 

Mom says I should have conversations with young people. Probably I need a mission. 

I’m not wearing a mask on this train. Probably should, but for some reason I’m risking it. 

Tallinn was amazing. I spent a few days but it could have been longer (with someone). I let it go. There was a lot to see and I ran around for 2 days seeing stuff and basically wiped myself out. Now I have 2 more days in Estonia (Tartu and Parnu). Then Latvia for 4 days. Then Lithuania and then home. There is definitely a count down. 

I miss doing life with Elsa. I also miss sex. And purpose. 

I haven’t been thinking at all about my book. I’m still wondering if I will ever go back to it. This time in my life feels like it isn’t the time. Perhaps it was a book to get me through stuff. Perhaps I just made it too big and now it’s not worth it to finish. What could be stripped and keep the spirit? 

I have very little work ethic. Maybe I need a new drug.

7/23/22? It’s Saturday morning in Riga. Im chilling at a coffee/restaurant next door to my hostel. I kind of hate the hostel, but it might also be because im sipping my first sips of coffee right now. I got in last night after a long day of wasting time in Parnu. Didn’t write or draw obviously, just sat around and complained. 

Why do I hate my hostel?   It’s the little things, it’s hot as duck, there isn’t soap or hand towels, the room is full of grumpy old men like myself. The place feels a little like a flop house,  and there are rules like don’t bring friends (understandable) and don’t wear shoes? Why. That’s a new one for me  it’s not like the places are cleaner. It’s actually kind of filthy. The cleaning lady went through and stayed filthy. 

I was considering staying another night but even a different place with a private in rigs might be better. Or maybe I should go back to Vilnius and just relax for a day or two. 

First impressions of Riga (coming in from the suburbs of Soviet buildings - very depressing) was that it was run down and dirty. Second impression or layered on, was that it was grandiose. Buildings are bigger, churches taller and looking to impress, stuff is just more prominent in the view. Then of course it was Friday night so I made my way through the revalers, thousands in the streets listening to cover bands play at outdoor cafes, mixed with the djs trying to get people into clubs. The streets were packed, everyone dressed up for dates, or to impress, or to reveal and entice. But of course im there were also families, hundreds of children out till 10-11 pm dancing to the music, taking in the lights and the crowds. People on scooters, but unlike in Parnu, they were just moving from place to place not trying to be dicks or show off. Parnu had Porsches and Ferraris, Riga has pedestrian streets and difficulties with parking.  I listened to the music and people watched, walked up and down the old streets trying to take it in. Trying to feel the energy and then struck with envy for those who experience “fun” so easily. Who can dance and drink and laugh and be at ease in a group. I was lonely, but also aware of my distance. Even if I had been within a group I would feel, not enough. I people watched for another 30 minutes or so, perched on a ledge a wallflower, staring, admiring, envying. 

Then returned to my hostel, less a tree house and more a hot humid cave full of grumps. The room was a boiling mess all night to the soundtrack of a beatboxer/DJ outside who played till 1 or 2 in the morning and not well. He couldn’t keep a beat, but some of it sounded like white noise which was kind of a welcome distraction in the gross heat. 

I struggled to sleep, everyone did.  In the morning k opened the door and the hallway was significantly cooler, why not turn off the hallway lights and let the breeze go through? 

A number of little things could make the world better…

Today I have been walking around the city, not lost, a path and a desire to see… but oh, there is too much to see. I am swept away in the desire to attach to each and every, capture every new arch, facade and color. I am enamores of each new creation, and overwhelmed and scared I’ll never see it all. And I won’t. I am chasing the illusive again, the ever, hoping to capture and hold, turn the complex to the simple. The world is too big and the permeations too endless. I want to see what G-d sees and be joyous (it was good after all) but instead I see variation infinitely and become grieved by my smallness. So much beauty and so shallowly I take it in, and so gluttonously… but nothing is enough. I am never satiated by this  and like Riga I am become a servant of too many masters, not knowing myself. (I’ll continue that in a bit). Not secure in myself, I grow shallow by the day, poke at my belly and say I am too fat, notice the likes in my face -too ugly, the passing of time upon my body - too old. 

And my heart knows that these thoughts are  detritus (spellling), that they will tear down all the good and for nothing. Not a Buddhists disregard of the attachment, but an attachment to the degradation of wholeness. 

So I Pray, and then am distracted, and then pray, and I am distracted again. And then pray, and this is the way of things, eh? 

I walked into st Gertrude who is the saint of travelers? And begin to weep at the grief, and the Beauty of simple things. Paper birds hang from the ceiling in the entrance, and in the aisles and from the chandelier. 

The stained glass and paintings of the stations do nothing for me, I am caught by the children’s gifts. 

My heart hurts, or is transformed? Just for a moment, I wish to know G-d deeper, to know love, to feel something real. I have been in a state of distance, not knowing myself, but keeping to myself, not open to newness of self, but wishing to take in what is visible. Shallowly, to understand the surface. And I do. I get it. 

But what if deeper meaning and connection? What of purpose? What of doing G-d’s work?  I take in the beauty and complexity but I don’t sit still enough to feel it.  That is the real thing. 

My impression of Riga is that it is too big and too lost. Trying to be everything to everybody, it ends up doing nothing well and not feeling satisfying. Perhaps I will change this impression, but the surface beauty and variation of the place, appears to cover the lack of depth or true knowledge of self. Perhaps it isn’t meant to be a country, perhaps Riga is a country in itself, and should embrace that it is so. 

I don’t know. Maybe more time will change my mind. 

7/24/22 a rainy day in Riga. I should catch up on all the journaling and write letters to students and staff. I should draw and write poems.  I struggled to sleep all night. I’m sure I didn’t get more than an hour or two in total. It was hot and sticky and itchy and smelly as hell in the room. I’m hoping there will be less people tonight. Im also gonna buy like 3 cold water bottles for the bed. 

Getting laundry done for the last time - and most expensive time. I think they are trying to discourage people.  

Yesterday i went to the Riga city museum and walked around a bunch of neighborhoods.

Any time you go a block or two past what’s on the tourist map it suddenly looks decrepit. 

The Riga city museum was good. I just keep wondering about Latvian identity. I asked the tour guide this morning (walking tour of old city) about it, and he said he believed most people felt unified around being Latvian, but i still wonder what that identity is. He explained on the tour that Latvians are realists and much of their identity is in contrast to their overlords, meaning the National story in which the bear slayer fights against the dark knight but does not triumph (continues fighting / or sacrifices to take him out) is the realist POV, the bigger powers are always going to be trying to influence us… but who is us?  The tour guide mentioned there is a small Russian population that won’t assimilate. Not most of them, but some. 40% of the population and 1/2 of the jobs are in Riga. What is the country if half of it is one city? 

Just interesting things to consider. 

The tour was fun, but starting to feel surface. The little extras were helpful, the brief part on the Latvian language. The bit about the National epic.  The answer to the question I asked about the Baltic Way demonstration and the collapse of the Soviet Union. 

I am talking with mom about E, and it feels a little like a betrayal. And I am a little annoyed. Maybe I’m crabby today. I worry I will poison the well. 

I want to go home. Start my life with Elsa. Find out if things will work between us. I can see us being happy. I can see myself having to take up some other hobbies to entertain my head. I look forward to just being with her. The comfort of a heart.

I am headed  cēsis Tomorrow and Siauliai and the hill of crossss Monday. Then Vilnius then home. I booked a hotel for my last two nights, hopefully that will help. 

My hostel in Riga has been miserable and The idea that it will be my last hostel is weird. Like a bad going away present. Am I done with this kind of travel forever? This city to city, cheap, do as you please thing. Maybe from now on it’s hotels. Maybe tour groups. Maybe packaged deals. Resorts?

I still have places I’d love to see but, not alone.  Still have dreams but maybe they can wait. 

Maybe I am ready for the next phase of life. Maybe it’s family time, start a business time, become a monk time. 

I could definitely go for an edible today. Yesterday my heart felt open at times, and today it’s shrouded again. Maybe I need to pray or meditate. 

I probably need a nap but I’m hoping to exhaust myself for tonight. The next few days I wake up at 7:30 or 8, I can sleep on the bus. 

It’s 2:25. 

7/27/22 Vilnius, Lithuania - last full day. 

Museum of tolerance,

Hotels, 

Leaving Latvia 

Day trips and small towns 

COVID 

It is the end of my trip, I am looking forward to going home, but also somewhat anxious about leaving behind the freedom of travel. 

At home, E awaits me, sick with COVID and though she hasn’t said it, I worry she has expectations I will disappoint. That part of her that says “I’m on my own” reinforced by being sick. And do I subject myself to it, knowing that I will be in the same place a week later? It’s a weird question for our times, and yet I look back and wonder how often people have had to ask it.

Today I went to the museum of tolerance, the bottom floor had this amazing gallery of Samuel Baks work (which is inspiring), but on the next two floors it houses other artists and information about Jewish life in Lithuania. It’s a brilliant museum. One of the stories was from a woman whose f-

7/28/22 Oslo Norway airport- which gives a bad impression of Norway by making it seem super expensive: to finish that story, one of the stories was from a woman whose family split up in many ways to try to survive. She and her brother both claimed to have been raised by Jews but not be Jewish, neighbors vouched for them. She survived, he and much of her family did not. 

Another story talked about the parents watching a kindergarten play in the ghetto, and how the parents were so afraid to lift their eyes to watch, to experience joy or hope, or delight in the moment because they knew they were all going to die. Samual bak, who one floor of the museum is dedicated to, talks about his dad hiding him as he went to labor, knowing it was his only chance to get his son out of the ghetto, he hid in in a rolled up mattress, when he went out to work for the day the boy had to stay still and quiet and stare at the wall. When there was a chance to get him out/ his father carried him in a sack on his back (he describes this being the last time he saw/felt his father, bumping into his back and spine muscles and then, when there was opportunity to flee, he dropped the sack and shouted run (he doesn’t know if it was his father or another man, someone shouted to run) and he did. His father was shot. He never saw him or his family again. 

It was a moving museum. The upper floor contained pictures and drawings (often from memory) of the synagogues that had been destroyed throughout Lithuania. The attempted erasure of a people and their history. It also contained some of the items from the great synagogue in Vilnius. 

So much of my trip has been about recognizing a history of change, how peoples come and go, often through force or enticement. The Jewish people were invited to Lithuania, the Germans crossed a sea to force convert people and later to utilized their labor to enhance the trade networks. The Russians invaded, the soviets invaded. So much change in history. 

On my last day in Vilnius I went to the tolerance museum, for Chinese food, explored the souvenir shops and Uzupis (spelling) at first disappointed that I couldn’t find any galleries, and then resigned to the few I saw. Bohemian, but definitely commercial. 

I also spent a lot of the day worried that I wouldn’t have enough money. The atms didn’t  seem to work for me, and I was running out of euros. I used my last full

One to buy the bus ticket this morning for the airport. The 88n night bus at 4 am. 

The previous day 26th, I made my way from my shady budget hotel in Riga (also an early morning) via minivan to Šiauliai (spelling), first visiting the hill of crosses - then walking through the town to the church, the art museum, the cat museum and back to the bus station. 

The hill of crosses, a bus ride, a 2 km walk through the country watching the wind blow on the crops, an inland sea, G-d sharing the day, and I sang “dance with me” that church camp song, and asked to be prepared for the visit.  And from a distance, I worried I’d be disappointed, it didn’t seem to be all that much. But as I came nearer and recognize the human desire, the praise, the thanks, the hope, loss, despair. Perspective. How many millions ask… every minute. And to see them collected in physical form, stacked and layered, covering each other like moss gathering on a tree. Crosses, thick with crosses and yearning. It made me cry, feel overwhelmed and want to share this with the world. But also at a certain point just too much. I didn’t feel like I had to get away, but I felt like I couldn’t take any more in. 

I walked to the information place and stores and looked at amber and little carvings (I didn’t realized till later that these were probably the best and cheapest souvenirs). 

 Nearby smaller stands sold crosses in a dozen varieties and rather than being pleased it felt a little like money changers at the temple. I bought a water and walked back. 

In the town I first walked to the church, then to the art museum ( admiring street art on the pedestrian road) the modern art museum is near the university and the art was out there. I then attempted to cross the town to the cat museum and got a little lost. There was a lake and a device that helped people water ski off jumps, the town felt hospitable and lovely but wouldn’t accept credit cards anywhere (maybe that’s how it should be?). The cat museum was everything you’d think and then more because there was a small zoo of birds, rodents and reptiles. It was pretty sweet but a short time. I then hurried to the bus station before rain.

The bus stopped at every little town on the way to Kaunas, and the train felt like it did the same. I ended up getting to Vilnius at like 10 pm and when starting your day before anyone is awake to ending by running to the kebab place in the dark (while in pain) it felt like a long day. Like several days had gone by. 

My two thoughts on the bus ride were that Lithuania is more conservative than the other two, but also, that likely all these little towns have a story that isn’t being told to the world and I wondered what I am missing out on. 

Riga, the last day in Riga 7/25 I went to the town of Cēcis one of a handful of medieval towns where teuton castles claimed the middle of Latvia. The castle is half in ruins and half museum. There is a second “castle” manor house from a few hundred years ago that is the second part of the museum but it was closed.

Of all the castles, I probably liked this one th e most, the “hey grab a lantern it’s dark in those ruins” and the almost hologram like videos they played. Lots of information about what it was really like for people rather than just the timeline or summary.

Most of the other sites in town were closed, so I bought watermelon and bread and ate in the town square. I had planned to stay tile 5, but by 2 I was ready to leave. Made my way back to Riga and found my new budget hotel. 

The hotel has changed names numerous times, and it’s name wasn’t posted on the door. Bad sign. There was a hostel on the 4th floor with a different name.  No elevator. 

I walked up 4 knocked. No bell. Nothing. down to 3, knocked. Walked outside to make sure I had the right address, walked around the corner. Tried to ask someone. Nothing. Walked back up. 5th floor. A woman told me door 8 with a lot of irritation. 4th floor door 8. Knocked harder. An old lady who didn’t speak English answered. She couldn’t find my name. She called. She found out. Oh , that one. She charges me 30, I pointed to the email that said 28, no 30. I didn’t have 30.  No card. Go get cash. I walked down the 4 flights, went to one currency exchange, then another cuz the first was on the phone and I wasn’t worth her time. The second gave me 18. I walked back up, now it’s 40, I don’t have 40. She calls up the owners again. It’s fine. (Likely the ten was a key deposit, but they couldn’t explain that, just felt like a rip off). She shows me the room, bare bones. A bunk bed no window, no extra room, no decorations. A closet or a tomb. The door locks, that mattres. She shows me the bathroom and the shower, no towels. No frills indeed. I

Make some jokes to mom and Elsa about being kidnapped. Later when I return after buying art supplies at the mall that I never use, the place is significantly more busy. Families. Couples. The same sorts of issues I was having. People hate the place, but it’s cheap. 

I end up struggling with the heat in the room, but it’s nothing like the previous 3 nights at the hostel. I sleep better than I have in half a week. Wake up early and drop my key, the old lady smiles and wishes me well. It’s probably a Russian thing, it’s probably the poorest run place around, it’s all cash and underground, but… she became warm when I left. 

On the plane. It’s about 6 pm Vilnius time: 10 am Minnesota time. I’ve been up since three. I took a brief nap on the plane, but also watched two movies. It appears to be dark outside but I’m wondering if it’s a trick or the windows. We are flying at a very high altitude and it is super freezing out there. For a little while I was even scared that we’d be flying into space. I guess they say this high up is easier and more fuel efficient. I’m wondering what our actual route is. Norway to Florida is a lot west and a lot south. 

  Not sure what I should be thinking or feeling right now. My mask feels too tight. Headachy. Im considering another nap. It’s late my time and I’ve been up a long time. But I still have like 11 hours to go or something silly like that. The layover in Florida is about 3 hours.🙄 I might need more coffee. 

Trying to think about what I have And haven’t covered. Might have to do back and reread. Tartu and Parnu and Tallinn? Did I cover Tallinn? 

Tartu was a nice little college town I guess of a 100,000 but it felt small. I walked a bunch of it because was 30 minutes from the center, as is the train station (different direction) and the national museum (also a different direction). So I saw a bunch. The highlights were the art museum and probably the national museum. The art museum had an exhibition on illustrations that I enjoyed. The national museum had an exhibition on the finniugric language family

And the cultures of the people who speak these languages. The ruins of the old church at the university were cool. It was also funny to do the upside down house (and nauseating). Over all I spent a lot of time walking and a lot of them people watching. It felt like a nice town but I would have had to change missions to stay. 

Parnu… the big attraction was the beach and I didn’t really like it. Sea waves, a shore that is aooooo shallow. I spent my time walking around block after block people watching and trying to kill time. Did make it to a few museums, another history of Estonia museum and an art museum that was actually pretty great. 

The town felt a little vapid. No one cares and everything is about pleasure except I spent hours lookin for a massage parlor and couldn’t get a massage.  Malls, the river front, a lot of walking feeling like there wasn’t a place to sit or be me. I was happy to leave and would have liked to earlier. 

I think that pretty much leaves Tallinn and wrapping up final thoughts on the Baltic trip. 

I guess it’s been so long I won’t say much. Tallinn was one of the best. Then old town is hyper touristy but in a fun way, lots to do and museums and just people evwrywhere. Right away when i got in, I did a walking tour. And got to see a bunch of the sites and learn about estonia and Tallinn. Later I revisited some of them, and learned a bit more history from the museums.  The other big part was going to the cool areas by the train station where they have markets, and cool food vendors and lots of art. 

The city felt very alive in these places, but outside of them felt very dismal. I again spent time in malls, public squares, coffee shops, and lots of walking. Estonia and Riga felt more permissive and open, whereas Lithuania feels a little more conservative and cold in comparison. Finland felt like a weird place - very much it’s own. 

I found things to like about all of them. I was trying to come up with my top 5 and started merging a few things:

Tallinn and Vilnius old towns.

Hill of crosses

The island fortress outside of helsinki 

Cēsis castle 

Green house and tolerance museum in Vilnius. 

Honorable mentions: all the art museums but especially the ones in Tartu and  Parnu. 

The st Michael church in Kaunas, and a few of them in Riga. 

Altogether, I’m ready to go home and start my new life. Ready to have responsibilities and purpose. At the same time, it was nice to vagabond around a bit and learn new things. I’m excited to play history Computer games. And follow the news about the Baltic countries. I think I’ll also consider the differing survival strategies and stories of resilience in the face of oppression.