Life goes on

I took the day off work so that I could take my licensure exam. Passed. I should be an LICSW in the new few weeks. This gives me a bit more freedom in what kinds of jobs I want to take, and the possibility of taking on supervisees after a bit. It also means I don't have to see my clinical supervisor anymore, even though I enjoy her input. 

At our last session, she was asking me about and describing the use of intuition and empathy. How for her (and me) it is gift from G-d (we talk about this). But for her, she recognizes it within a different cultural context, in which these gifts can be discussed openly, and for which she doesn't have to assume any responsibility. 

While we were talking,  I had this felt memory of feeling the blessing of it, the magic of it when I was a kid and a teenager. How I could empathize or name things for people and suddenly their life changed. I stopped using it solely that way in college, started to rationalize and intellectualize the shit out of every decision I made, because I had realized that it could just as easily be used to hurt people. Though she didn't mean to, a friend of mine confirmed this. How tricky this responsibility. But the feeling of it, felt like I was channeling through me. It wasn't me, but wow... and how not to grow an ego?

I don't know.

I stopped believing to some extent (other than the rationalizing of it), that I was worthy of such a gift. I'd hurt too many people, and believed that I needed strong boundaries around myself to ensure that I wouldn't hurt others. My intellectualizing, pursuing knowledge, etc., although totally stimulating to me also had the effect of justifying each use. I replay them in my head, to ensure... 

My supervisor told me to stop. She basically said (I always paraphrase) 'I know you have a strong faith, but why don't you trust G-d with that gift, and stop blaming yourself and gaslighting your ability to channel.' She role modeled, 'you just say "I'm seeing _________, does that resonate with you?" and let them have their reaction, don't try to control, don't manipulate just let it be." 

A tall order. In the moment I felt this sadness, this grief for all the years of not believing... vowed to myself to address this, to be more open, to let go of my desire to control it all...

Could be dangerous. Could be a new beginning. 

I will be an LICSW, what next? This seems to have been the goal of the last 5 years, what's next on my agenda?

I was reading M's Dads' blog. WHY? I dunno... I just do. In our relationship, I always felt a little insecure and possessive. It only got worse in some ways after. I wish I responded differently to lying and deception, it would be nice to stop and go "Oh, I don't like that. Bye." but instead I respond with "why would you do that, what is it about me? or you? or how can I figure out how to get you to not do it? or if I am aware enough, maybe I will figure it all out..." 

But I am delaying... I was reading his blog. 

He mentioned his daughter was involved in a shooting. The tone of the blog let me know the family was ok, but what impacted me was that he said she was married. I didn't think first of the kids, or her, or the terror of it all. I got hung up on the status. Maybe because its so removed. Maybe because it was confirmation of the thing I assumed. Maybe because I just didn't want to picture the kids in harm's way. Yesterday I was thinking about how old they would be now. These kids I had wanted to hold on to for the rest of my days. How their introduction to the education system would have been so bleak. How their mom had stayed home with them, like I had once considered. Fond memories of making legos and puzzles, and painting. Little school lessons. I felt grief over their loss of school, but I can't... The idea that they could be injured, isn't really something I want to think about. Even now when I am considering it, I can't. Hung up on status as a defense mechanism because my heart. I wish them all well. 

Considering what it means to have someone new in my life. Do I want this friend? What does she offer... Is it more of the same. Trying to interpret the little cues. Trying to figure out what I want and what is too much to expect. What do you do when your heart delights in a part of a person, but their life doesn't match up with yours? I don't think I am supposed to go around collecting people, hoping they'll stay some way that I saw in a glimpse. I don't think that is real in the long run... but being honest, communicative, gentle, appreciative. I can do that, and see where it leads. 

My Dad told me he had Covid a few months back, that time he was using an inhaler. That time I was worried he'd get Covid because his lungs were already hurting. Could have been a false positive. I took a covid test yesterday. He is still considering getting the vaccine. It was funny how it was a relief to me, because I'd spent a day and a half wondering how to protect him if I had it... and then found out he might have protection already. I dunno. The whole thing has been weird and shady. He didn't want to tell us because he didn't want people to treat him differently or say "I told you so." but also his lack of honesty is demonstrative of how ridiculous it all is... what are we doing?

What next?  No really...  This morning I was inspired to clean my apartment, clean my car, go for a walk, organize and grocery shop, but now I just want to do nothing. What next in work? In social life? in bucket lists?  I have these ideas of painting and sculpting, but it seems like a hassle. I have this idea of little steps to create a social life, but...  The test is over.  I told myself once the test was over I could consider writing again, or going on a long trip again. So, I guess it is back to these things? or maybe a new career? Maybe an ayahuasca ceremony?  Maybe I should start a farm... new possibilities everywhere. What do I want next? Where is the universe guiding me to?

I've been wondering about the spirit guides, maybe I need some help.

Listening to this TED talk now. 

I was reading this book today, and wondered if I need to change my life mission slightly. I feel like I have spent my life trying to "help" people by supporting them, problem solving, trying to plan or figure out the future (EG teaching in many cases). I think though I didn't realize it, I was trying to keep people from experiencing suffering. Hoping that by being there to support and validate, teaching strategies, brainstorming new ways of doing stuff, the suffering could be diminished on both an individual and societal level. I was trying to create a "better" future, hoping that things that had caused suffering could be eliminated *both consciously and unconsciously, I guess I thought if I could get all the knowledge and share it with others, things could change. My youthful ego and naïveté? 

I think I am in a later stage of life...and have to switch my mindset to recognizing what I have always known, but secretly hoped I could divert, which is that life will cause suffering (always), and that that isn't a bad thing. That even the moments of suffering and pain can have purpose, and that we shouldn't be avoiding them or trying to ignore or deny them,  but experience and grow from them. 

I have known this, but some part of me is always trying to avoid or undermine it, to rip it away, convince everyone that pain doesn't have to be suffering... but suffering is meaningful. It causes us to grow. To think and reflect. Pain... that's just a nuisance. Here one moment and gone the next. 

I think I have to mindfully take on the mission that actually suffering is good, is an opportunity for people to find their meaning, and to hold out belief in people's ability to do so. Which is damn painful.

Every day at work I see people suffering, and sometimes I lose faith that it is worthwhile. The same with our society... so much needless suffering. But I guess we really do have to lose it all in order to get our heads out of our asses. 

The suffering of this last year, did almost nothing to change us... half of us stuck our heads in the sand, the other half ignored the idea of a pandemic and made it worse. Nothing new has come of it on a societal level. 

The book talks about how suffering is one of the ways people recognize the truth, that G-d calls us to him through all things, including suffering, and that when we finally see that (though it doesn't diminish the pain), it at least ends in hope. I have spent my life time knowing that suffering is part of life, but hoped that I could make it easier... but maybe sometimes it shouldn't be. G-d works in mysterious ways eh?  When I am suffering I pray as much as when I feel awe... its those times in-between that I struggle to remember, so maybe I need to bring back that slogan teenaged Mike used to say "it's all good."  And get back to believing it -though I have continually been beaten down by the merciless nature of the ways we choose to bring about our suffering... perhaps this is what we need? 

I dunno. Maybe I am not fully there yet. 

In any case, I need to stop being afraid all the time. 

Jeremy Enigk and an edible

I am high. Gummies from a friend. Watched Norm Macdonald. Genius. The inner sensation is of suddenly making connections, some cosmic touch (sistene chapel) between distant points, some bridge. Its force pummels the inside of my chest, a slightly knocking, a warmth,making room for new. Its moving. The visual is like galaxies. And inside I know it is the neuron’s buzz, the flare down the tree of synapses. 

 

I am listening to Jeremy Enigk, the layers of the composure, the delicate cake, ah these complimentary tastes and textures. 

 

My memory is short and lost. Over time this would be awful, but in small doses I am aware of the moment and then the moment is gone. I am pleased with it. Each little pain and bruise, is momentary, I can welcome it. A missed note screech, a scratch fire,  a pushed capillaries of pressure… all of a flash and then replaced with another, the neural dance. So many connections in each second. Each tiny little vision, mystery solved, there is a burst, a new big bang, and if this is going to be the way of the world, and the human is to last then, this is the piece we need to see. To really understand. The distal patts, are not so distant, this is the simple reality of everything this whole loose connection is the map of Gp=d. maybe we cannot be near untruth/.

 

Put my head down and don’t ecen look at the keyboard. Listen to the music, let it flow through you and thr words, will be the truth. Evem if the origin isn’t understood. Listen to the music and get in rhythym. Ths will be the thing that is right. Bit when you aren’t doing it right, everything wont work. 

 

That was weird, suddenly I lost it. And wasn’t high. I had like a thirty second cool breeze of sobriety. Not sure if it was because I was onto something or because the music through me off, but the flowing warmth is back inside my body. 

(Written a few hours later)

It's really funny how some things are confirmed by drugs. I wrote a little post about how I am a caffein addict earlier on insta. On caffeine I feel have greater access to my faculties. 

When high, I have access to different faculties. I feel the sensation of an incoming text before the visual confirms it. I feel the little pricks, the little vibrations, the waves of energy. I notice their confirmation, their absence. I listen to music, and can my turn my focus to notice the parts, the moving composition, that dance of impacts bombarding the dimension... and it only confirms what is beautiful, adds a glow to the already special, rests easy within and without, perfection. perfection, a polished mirror, and a smile's confirmation that this is a true representation of the 1 in all. universals approval, universal acknowledgement of that which all things know, the one to whom all voices sing.Could you bathe in this heavenly, when every note is an interwoven silk supporting you. caressed by ehuphia, praise this ecstatic. 

Another hour. So many little connections, it becomes overwhelming. Somehow I got it in my head to look at old photos, and all these little memories, these little stories I told myself so long ago flooded back. And even in the moments I wasn't present for, I remembered the story, the lie I told myself? Or was it that I did have some knowledge, and perhaps all these flights of imagination I've had are true? on some multiverse or other, perhaps I have this understanding. Perhaps in my every day life, I get stuck because I've lived in too many realities, and they have built and cluttered. I remember these memories, these parts of me suddenly, and wonder how their brightness could have faded, wasn't that another life time? How was it's prominence shifted without my approval.

Another hour? I feel like I am slowly coming down. Moments of clarity become longer and longer. I don't know which to cling to. I am listening to the Empyrean, I am thinking about the infinite possibilities in a line going on infinitely in each moment, and how to accept each moment good or bad, is just to recognize it has its place amongst the infinite possibilities. Oh your mom died? One of these possibilities was bound to contain this, but infinite others do not, she lives on. Be grateful. 

All those layers, weighing, the carrying of emotions across lifetimes, and dimensions, the tethering of it all... what need to be seen, to be known, to be accepted, to be let go. 

It feels like a late phase, the dissolution, where what had once been, comes apart. How brutally painful this disconnection, and to each a portion of the suffering.