I took the day off work so that I could take my licensure exam. Passed. I should be an LICSW in the new few weeks. This gives me a bit more freedom in what kinds of jobs I want to take, and the possibility of taking on supervisees after a bit. It also means I don't have to see my clinical supervisor anymore, even though I enjoy her input.
At our last session, she was asking me about and describing the use of intuition and empathy. How for her (and me) it is gift from G-d (we talk about this). But for her, she recognizes it within a different cultural context, in which these gifts can be discussed openly, and for which she doesn't have to assume any responsibility.
While we were talking, I had this felt memory of feeling the blessing of it, the magic of it when I was a kid and a teenager. How I could empathize or name things for people and suddenly their life changed. I stopped using it solely that way in college, started to rationalize and intellectualize the shit out of every decision I made, because I had realized that it could just as easily be used to hurt people. Though she didn't mean to, a friend of mine confirmed this. How tricky this responsibility. But the feeling of it, felt like I was channeling through me. It wasn't me, but wow... and how not to grow an ego?
I don't know.
I stopped believing to some extent (other than the rationalizing of it), that I was worthy of such a gift. I'd hurt too many people, and believed that I needed strong boundaries around myself to ensure that I wouldn't hurt others. My intellectualizing, pursuing knowledge, etc., although totally stimulating to me also had the effect of justifying each use. I replay them in my head, to ensure...
My supervisor told me to stop. She basically said (I always paraphrase) 'I know you have a strong faith, but why don't you trust G-d with that gift, and stop blaming yourself and gaslighting your ability to channel.' She role modeled, 'you just say "I'm seeing _________, does that resonate with you?" and let them have their reaction, don't try to control, don't manipulate just let it be."
A tall order. In the moment I felt this sadness, this grief for all the years of not believing... vowed to myself to address this, to be more open, to let go of my desire to control it all...
Could be dangerous. Could be a new beginning.
I will be an LICSW, what next? This seems to have been the goal of the last 5 years, what's next on my agenda?
I was reading M's Dads' blog. WHY? I dunno... I just do. In our relationship, I always felt a little insecure and possessive. It only got worse in some ways after. I wish I responded differently to lying and deception, it would be nice to stop and go "Oh, I don't like that. Bye." but instead I respond with "why would you do that, what is it about me? or you? or how can I figure out how to get you to not do it? or if I am aware enough, maybe I will figure it all out..."
But I am delaying... I was reading his blog.
He mentioned his daughter was involved in a shooting. The tone of the blog let me know the family was ok, but what impacted me was that he said she was married. I didn't think first of the kids, or her, or the terror of it all. I got hung up on the status. Maybe because its so removed. Maybe because it was confirmation of the thing I assumed. Maybe because I just didn't want to picture the kids in harm's way. Yesterday I was thinking about how old they would be now. These kids I had wanted to hold on to for the rest of my days. How their introduction to the education system would have been so bleak. How their mom had stayed home with them, like I had once considered. Fond memories of making legos and puzzles, and painting. Little school lessons. I felt grief over their loss of school, but I can't... The idea that they could be injured, isn't really something I want to think about. Even now when I am considering it, I can't. Hung up on status as a defense mechanism because my heart. I wish them all well.
Considering what it means to have someone new in my life. Do I want this friend? What does she offer... Is it more of the same. Trying to interpret the little cues. Trying to figure out what I want and what is too much to expect. What do you do when your heart delights in a part of a person, but their life doesn't match up with yours? I don't think I am supposed to go around collecting people, hoping they'll stay some way that I saw in a glimpse. I don't think that is real in the long run... but being honest, communicative, gentle, appreciative. I can do that, and see where it leads.
My Dad told me he had Covid a few months back, that time he was using an inhaler. That time I was worried he'd get Covid because his lungs were already hurting. Could have been a false positive. I took a covid test yesterday. He is still considering getting the vaccine. It was funny how it was a relief to me, because I'd spent a day and a half wondering how to protect him if I had it... and then found out he might have protection already. I dunno. The whole thing has been weird and shady. He didn't want to tell us because he didn't want people to treat him differently or say "I told you so." but also his lack of honesty is demonstrative of how ridiculous it all is... what are we doing?
What next? No really... This morning I was inspired to clean my apartment, clean my car, go for a walk, organize and grocery shop, but now I just want to do nothing. What next in work? In social life? in bucket lists? I have these ideas of painting and sculpting, but it seems like a hassle. I have this idea of little steps to create a social life, but... The test is over. I told myself once the test was over I could consider writing again, or going on a long trip again. So, I guess it is back to these things? or maybe a new career? Maybe an ayahuasca ceremony? Maybe I should start a farm... new possibilities everywhere. What do I want next? Where is the universe guiding me to?
I've been wondering about the spirit guides, maybe I need some help.
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