messages?

I went to bed last night, unable to sleep I tossed like a salad for several hours. I was spent, but my mind wanted to think about things like putting away folders (which is what I had done that day), wanted to check off lists you know... But as part of this, I started thinking of all the changes I wanted to make in my life. Maybe I wanted to start planning my south america trip. Where would I start? Where would I end? How would I know when its enough?
Is early next summer to early? By the time I was asleep, I am sure I had convinced myself I could not leave too early. I would cancel all my plans, my responsibilities: School could wait or would be dead soon enough, SoT is a waste of time, I have no friends I told myself.
My mind picked up on that SoT thing, because though I was planning on stepping off the leadership council and maybe not showing up as much as the thing quietly fell apart without me (egocentric to the max before bed!)  I had a dream. 

I was standing somewhere, like maybe the Fair, only I know I was also late to my first class, so maybe it was the fair at some university where I was skipping class to chat up old ladies.. anyway, two old ladies were talking to each other about SoT, and I (though I was planning on quitting), seemed like the perfect person to bud into their conversation, so of course I did, "You know I am a leader of SoT, and I would be perfectly happy to answer any questions."  they did have questions... "what are you doing on healthcare?"
"nothing yet, but I am sure with enough energy we could be" and suddenly there were not two, but twenty, and they were energized. They wanted universal healthcare, they wanted their retirements secure, they wanted their kids to not worry, and their kids were there too, wanting to not worry. At 20 they were a small energized crowd, at 50 they were a bulldozer force. They had momentum, they had the moment, SoT was a thing with an impact.
and I was late for class.

___________________________________________________________________________


I was early, I am always early, I showed up and was seated, I questioned myself on whether I needed separate seating, after all I was meeting them right? No, not really, there was nothing confirmed, had I made up the whole thing? Was I just crashing their get together, who the fuck was Huck? Why as he special... I mean I knew Huck, I like Huck, Huck is a fine person, but why were you meeting with him and not me. Fuck it, I will join you. What a weird restaurant, a dark rich environment like a romantic eatery seen only in rich people dramas. Only the menu had no lobster or fois gras, but icecream, yogurt, sorbet.  Rich icecream yogurt and sorbet mind you. Each scoop was like 15 buck and they only served them in 2 scoops, no more, no less. What an exquisite menu I thought to myself, but I was too nervous, sweating, what the fuck am I doing here? I turned around to see the two of you entering. Huck was tall, in a dark suit. He matched the place perfectly, suave and silly. He didn't see me. You entered your hair was just beyond shoulder length, teased out but in a beautiful swoop, you looked like model, perfectly catching the orange light in the darkness of the restaurant. Your were wearing a dress, strapless, form fitting, melted into the rich drama. you had a small purse, in manicured hands. You didn't see me.
The host seated the two of you, on the opposite side of the swank creamery. I followed down the long narrow row between tables, on this side there were deep dark wooden booths made for more people and they were filled with socialites all in black, laughing, smiling, beautiful. Laurel was amongst one group and she spotted me, smiled at me, returned to here laughing friends (all Filipino).  I got caught behind a group that was exiting, and lost track of you. I tried to sweep over to the other aisle but couldn't quite make it through, impatient I stood, sweating, the flood came back. What was I doing, how will she react? What if I am interrupting? Should I just leave a message and walk by. Should I wait for them to recognize me and invite me over. What if she denied wanting to see me? She had said it would be nice right?  I looked to Laurel for confirmation, she wasn't there.  I was hoping she could run interference with Huck, if I needed. She was gone.
I decided to approach, I saw the two of you, done up and fancy. You were just about to look at the menus, you didn't see me. Within 20 feet I chickened out. Turned around and thought better of myself, but I couldn't give up this opportunity, I was a mad man in a yogurt shop. I kept pacing up and down the aisle, but this whole calamity was in my head and no one was the wiser.
Eventually I returned to my seat, I was trying to text you. Something about, "try the _____ its good I hear" which I hadn't heard, nor tried, but I wanted to somehow say "I know you are here, please let me know if I can join you" but I was sweating and the sweat was stinging my eyes, and I wondered if I was too poorly dressed in this place. I was choking from the heat, I felt a mess, my glasses were foggy and I couldn't read the text. I didn't understand why I had these new thick rimmed glasses.  I was worried. I was missing the moment.

The build up is what gets you.

I don't know if this will be a complete entry, more like a smattering of ideas. I am not a context writer, I give you the middle, maybe a little on the side.

Someone woke me up this morning with a text, I wrote something back about no one being able to give me what I really wanted right now, in my sleepiness I knew that that was true, but hadn't defined what that was really. It took me a few minutes longer...

If someone were able to snap their fingers, it'd be two fold, it wouldn't just be for the hurt to stop. It wouldn't be just that my friends feel cared for, or my mom suddenly didn't have this enormous burden on her, or that school wasn't so damn frustrating, it'd be more than that. I want the high times, the times when I felt special in each of these characters' lives. I miss being at the center of their universe, and I miss them being part of mine. I miss the ease, the comforting, the dynamic expansion of the heart in the way that it hurts because you are bursting with joy, not torn apart and healing. I miss being loved and needed, being sought out, being longed for.

I was right, no one can give me that. They can't get it back for me.  and I know I have thus far rejected new offers. I know that these ladies are in essence offering that with the potential to be a father, I am disastrously scared of that. I am feeling unethical about it. I am worried I will add the element of destruction to that.

But anyway it won't really be that, this is like the ending of high school, or college, people walk away and find new lives. There are two things that heal, time and replacement. I know they aren't truly replaced, but when my thoughts are of others, they won't be as tied up in them. 

 

1,000,000 things to worry about and yet not.

I am reading this book called Proving Manhood, so far I really like it and I am on chapter 5.
It is an analytical look at masculinity from a feminist perspective, that actually looks at men as human beings. Which is sadly something that is often overlooked, instead, we look at masculinity and see the masculine norm and treat men as if they are or are not it. We complain and argue and attack and dismiss based on how well we are or are not performing masculinity and often forget that underneath, regardless of the performance there is some reason (education) and some cause (incentive) behind it. I don't just mean a desire for power and dominance, but rather a reason for that desire, a psychological need, a socialized need, perhaps even a biological drive. But he isn't trying to dismiss the harmful affect, nor dismiss responsibility just to understand it and process it, so that we could perhaps deal with it some day.
Its the first time so far where I haven't  felt defensive reading a feminist book, because perhaps I am old enough now, or perhaps because the author does a good of making it human.
Anyway, it brought some objectivity to my ordinarily ridiculously self-centered and biased perspective of myself. Which I really appreciate.

But underneath I find the topic to be hitting home dramatically right now. Because in essence I feel like whether I want to be or not, I am proving manhood right now by denying or not breaking down from the emotional stressers I am facing, I am remaining calm and sure footed in a world that feels completely turned upside down.

I do my duty, I don't rely too much, I keep shit together... but none of this really.
I am avoiding work, and emotions, and hard conversations, and hard thoughts. I am processing on one level what I am avoiding on another.
I feel like I relate to this author, who describes being rewarded and pushed ahead and seen as an expert like a good man while simultaneously saying and doing things he is unsure of, feels like he hasn't thought through, doesn't understand, doesn't feel like an expert on.

He gives a really poignant description of his life, in a reflection on his deceased mother

Mother:
Since your death thirty years ago, your presence is a film covering my experience, darkening it and making the world, the world of my life, seem farther away. If i could pop you open, a thousand memories would appear and move me, breaking and healing my heart, and making the world real again.  Your unreality places the world so far away. Your unreality makes my life unreal.  But I can't, don't know how to pop you open, and as I move deeper into middle age, I wonder whether the attention I give you is worth the effort, But still, I sense, Until you are real, I will not be real.

For some reason this resonated with me tonight, as I think about all the unreal situations I am facing and wonder who I am. How can I be real if I can't process all these things I should be processing... I go on, its rather easy actually, further in my delusions, pretending things are fine, crying at odd moments, unable to really touch this thing that is outside my reach, because if I did, I'd be a mess... maybe, maybe too needy, too unresponsive or irresponsible. I'd be too much of a child reaching for his mommy, and even my Mommy would be turned off like "who is this emotional wreck of a child, this is not what I raised, I raised a sensitive but strong man."  

I gave my first sperm donation tonight.  I was not ready, I didn't know what I was doing. I hadn't really prepared, I hadn't waited long enough. I hadn't figured out how to produce enough... you know... I'm sitting around questioning my masculinity, my male-ness. I am embarrassed, I am worried that if things don't work out it will be my fault.

But all of this is what it is.

One of the conclusions that has weighed on my mind for a while is that i have been spoiled by good friends. But I wonder if I were any less spoiled just how neurotic I would be at this point.  Its been hard for me lately to get deep with the people I want to, like I can't really really be me... this damn film on my life or perhaps I am just too afraid to let my guard down. Anyway all of this is making me realized how strange my performance of masculinity truly is. My hair is in pigtails but I am stoic, I am dancing to the music but I can't be perceived as needing anything.

I am forgetful of my friends and family, and neglectful, and perhaps even hurtful, because I am not centered, because I am not focused, because I am caught up in the act of being purposeful.

I don't know. I thought I would be able to write and have things make sense, but not that I have written it seems even more jumbled.
It is

My room smells like cat pee

I think because I haven't had the window open for a few days I suddenly noticed what my room regularly smells like. I probably need to do a complete sweep and clean.

I think I have been operating under a different set of assumptions about how a friendship works than some of my besties lately.  There is something slightly off, and I have been feeling slighted, but perhaps its just a different way of seeing things. 

I don't know. This afternoon I was thinking I need to change things. 

I am pretty sure I am going to chop off my hair something like 8 months early, but who needs schedules?

On the way home I was thinking maybe things aren't supposed to fall into place, because this isn't the place for them to fall together right... but that was after reading for hours about the devastation of people and the planet by misguided attempts at ecological change...   I really enjoy this style of history. In this style, economics and politics are impacted by the environment rather than the other way around. 

It makes more sense in the overarching history than most other theories...

Oh well those are my thoughts.

I keep writing things feeling sorry for myself.
Then not posting them.
I wait.

You are my sweetest downfall

Tomorrow is starting to feel like it may be a busy day. Something about not having a lot to do, makes you feel overwhelmed when a day is full. 

I couldn't get to sleep last night, I had so many thoughts that weren't necessarily invited, but they kept me up  till something like 4:30 (or later), after I tried to go to bed at about 1:30.  Then my Dad pocket dialed me at 7:30 and it started again. I think I got back to sleep by around 9ish, but it was super annoying.

I am supposed to do this video project for SoT, something about how SoT has impacted my faith and how community organizing is beneficial. I wrote up a script. It looks like the following.

My faith journey began as a child, baptized and brought up in the Lutheran church, I found myself in youth groups, volunteering in the nursery and for church plays. Going on youth mission trips. Confirmation classes, my faith and values developed through the stories in the bible and I began to understand very deeply that God works through people in the world, and wants us to be welcoming and to cherish each other as brothers and sisters.

Unfortunately, I didn’t see that in the church, by 16 or so, I felt like the church was a place that talked a big game, but didn’t follow through in action. 

I left the church but continued to explore my spirituality, and intended to act on my  deeply held values in the world. I became a high school teacher for at risk youth, working with these teenagers I wanted to help them recognize they have a place in a world but found that the world mostly attempts to keep them marginalized.

This is partially why the values at Spirit of Truth call out to me, in our community we recognize its not enough to talk a big game, we have to create the world we want to see.

We have started this in our community, getting to know each other through community events, art nights, yoga, prayer groups potlucks, discussion groups, talking, listening, singing together.

In these community building activities we have found shared stories, shared values and an eagerness to create a community and a larger society where all people are recognized and feel God’s love in their community. In our organizing we have also taken on social justice actions, working with Nurses, Low Wage Workers, union Members and most recently the Equality movements for justice in Marriage rights.

Personally this organizing has challenged me to speak out on the places where I see injustice, has moved me to be a part of the change to create a better world, and has allowed me to reconcile much of my faith values with the way I live my life.  I find at SoT we create together a space where holistically people’s needs are met, nourished and their gifts are allowed to blossom.

Being a member of SoT has opened new doors for me, given me clarity and allowed me to feel free to be my true self in the world, in a way that I have never experienced.  I think this is something that God wants for all of us. 

 Its funny how when you try to write something that feels real, it ends up sounding fake and vv. 

I think one thing that has changed about me in the last few years is that I no longer get so anxious about absolutes. I was rereading that last post and it seemed very absolutist in some things, but in general, I think I am less so. I am learning to experience and enjoy the complex gray wilderness.  I am more okay with contradicting myself in a sentence. I am more okay relying on people's good intentions.  Well, to some extent. 

Then there are the ways it is infuriating right?  I still expect those.

I thought I had something to say, but I am not sure I do. 

Listening to this band a lot 

Sharing Humanity

I spent a few hours today talking to a friend. She has this habit of crying when we talk, and she blames it on me, or rather assigns the moods she gets into to our discussions. She also hints at the possibility of more almost every time we depart. 

We were talking about human experiences, like crying, being moved, feeling isolated and alone in the universe. She projects an image of me that makes me feel like I am intriguing and profound. I find it hard to understand sometimes. I tend to chalk it up to the fact that she rarely shares much of herself with anyone, so of course a conversationalist who likes to listen, or who shares a bit of vulnerability, or who makes it seem comfortable enough,  well that feels like a kind of connection, a kind of miracle, and I walk away feeling like I've been a part of something meaningful, but not entirely as out of the ordinary as she presumes it to be. 

Yesterday she and my coworker startled me in their shared assessment that I fit the description I was giving of a "good" person, and I quickly dismissed it. It was one of those moments where you are shocked by the way others perceive you, like I walk around all day with my head in a different world than they do... and I chalk it up to the fact that they are good, and want to see good in others who they relate to, but I am not sure it is that simple. 

I've been dreaming of familiar people, people who aren't a part of my life on the regular, but their being around in mundane roles seems comforting in the dreams. I wonder if it means anything. Like preparation for something.

The thought occurred to me tonight that perhaps the opposite of what I assumed might happen could happen if I do end up helping conceive this child. Perhaps I will drop my obsessive thoughts on morality and just enjoy life, regardless of the consequences, like "I've done my work to ensure the future, so fuck it, time to enjoy the present."   This is contrasted with that assumption I have always had that said "When I have a reason to live, I will live better." and perhaps, that statement is hurtful to some in my life, but it seemed fitting enough.

At least 20 million

That title is in response to the test. Really rather amazing how many cells can fit in a tiny drop of something.

Speaking of amazing...

Sometimes I forget that underneath all my loathing, anger, cynicism etc... I am actually quite in awe of how beautiful this world, this life can be.

This hit me when I was watching the Olympics for 10 minutes. 10 minutes of my life and I started tearing up at the beauty of synchronized diving, this coming from the guy who hates the olympics because they are a spectacle of nationalism and commercialism and all that is wrong with humans... and yet how beautiful humans can be...