I think I may have figured it out, now whats the solution?

An hour or two ago I was writing myself notes and asked myself if this were a new beginning or just a place in the cycle I have already been to, but don't recognize. In either case, I wrote that I would be satisfied to name it, to know it, to be able to recognize something as true is just so helpful...

On the way home I was thinking about my issue with irritability lately, I was cross referencing with the things I desire lately, I was thinking about the things I have lost lately, I was thinking about the things that are absent. CLICK
perhaps, a click, perhaps the wheels all locked into place and I recognized what has happened. Perhaps a few months ago I was setting myself up for a future in which I walked away, and in the process I was walking away from all of my friendships, gradually toning them down. I wasn't necessarily not answering phone calls or texts, but I was not necessarily engaged either. I remember thinking in conversations "What am I doing here? I am not even contributing anything."  and it was so... the other day I was caught by a girl asking questions of her friends, whether she just wanted to talk and was polite I couldn't tell, but she kept asking them questions... and this seemed nice.  I have been tearing down the relationships that offered me comfort, ready to start something new, and then it stalled. I stalled... I fell back into the pattern out of my sense of duty. I wasn't necessarily excited by it, but I enjoyed the moment well enough that it didn't feel like too much of a loss, but as the time has passed, letters not sent back, questions not answered, relationships not engaged with...
I am feeling more and more alone, I am feeling more and more irritable. I withdrew and now wonder why I am so pitiful.
Sometimes the tiniest things seem like effort, its not that I can't do them, can't get out of bed or whatever... its that I find them annoying... because I haven't got all my needs met, inside my mind says "why meet the needs of others?"  or whatever.

Why branch out if it won't complete the puzzle, why give of the precious little, when it won't be repaid... because I haven't been asking for repayment. I haven't been asking for my needs to be met. I haven't asked, engaged, sought out something reciprocal... and thus I am irritable.
playing the role, and not getting the fulfillment of the part.

It makes sense why I want to "love," I just want someone who wants to know me, who will listen, who will indulge me.

This is a cycle, this is somewhere I have been... but now what to do about it?
I don't very well know how to make friends or lovers, as I wrote earlier today... every one was already negotiated before I asked.

beautiful song slowed down

I love this song already, but someone slowed it by 35 % which makes it almost more hauntingly beautiful




I could write a poem to this.  Like I did with falling...

Someone named mike woke up on the wrong side of the bed

Its not that I actually am angry today I am just easily irritated. Like does anyone know how to drive today? 
I overheard a couple on a first date and was really glad it wasn't me. Not that it was SO bad, but I was just annoyed.
I overheard some other people talking and I thought, wow it would be really nice to have curious friends.
Then I thought about how I evade people like that, or sideswipe their questions.

I wrote down a whole series of thoughts on that topic that I have been thinking about. I will probably type them out later for posterity or whatever...
but one thing I didn't write down was the brief interaction I had at the bookstore last night. Not that it really matters, but I thought it was funny.
I was buying this book by the Dalai Lama  and the girl at the counter said "Oh I just finished this." I asked if it was any good she said yes but it got a little repetitive. Then I said yeah I find some of his stuff to be like that, but maybe its a Buddhist thing, like you get used to repeating mantras, to which she responded, well it does help you keep it in mind.
Then as I was walking out, I thought about how we all have the tendency to do that, to write down the same thing over and over and over... I am sure this thought is typed somewhere on this blog.

At the coffee shop today the curious people were talking about "exactly how much attention can be expected by a significant other" the girl was relating that she wished her boyfriend would show her more attention, especially emotionally. The boys, said that they thought it was important to check in, but between all the social media things, it didn't always make sense to have a conversation, because you probably already have a good idea of how the person is doing... and then they talked about how different relationships are these days compared to just 10-20 years ago (for their parents).  This while I was reading the Dalai Lama's take on technology and science and his emphasis on the intention behind creating new technology or pursuing science... that it must be geared for compassion not just growth or interest... and this lead me back to my writing... are conveniences allowing me to separate myself from others, creating shallower and shallower relationships etc?  
I don't think most people would describe me that way, but aren't I becoming it?

i really feel this song sometimes

What is it you are looking for right now?

Like really, tonight you have options, wealthy possibilities, up till 3- singing karaoke with a handful of homies, see a play or an improv show, hang in your room playing computer games, check out a film and have your mind blown, have a good cup of joe with a friend and play a game, eat some menchies or go to your brothers to make jokes and play drums, all of these things hold an element of fun. You could write for the next hour or two, you could read a chapter of a book and swim in fantasy through a painting, or a drawing, or a museum or a date. Each one promising an experience to relate, and what will you do? Secretly desiring to spend the night alone, hoping no one calls and no one is home.  Spend the evening in self-isolation, thinking about your loneliness, shame and separation. What reward is this firing of neurons in your brain, that likes pain, deprivation, refrains from enjoying conversation? Seems insane, disordered and discordant, spending all this energy to maintain a lack of enjoyment.

The difference of a day or two

January seemed so good, now I feel like I am fighting every day to try to keep a bit of that.  My mood shifted, maybe with the weather, but suddenly I am crabby and feel a strong desire to isolate. Its not even hibernation, with the exception of tonight I haven't been napping or anything.  I even stayed up too late this weekend one night.  But its weird, a week or so ago I felt like I had everything under control, felt really on top of my game, felt like I could handle what came... now I am stressed and irritated. I messed up something at work, situations get out of hand, relationships seem hard.  I don't want to see anyone and yet I feel incredibly lonely. The loneliness is hard because I have roommates who are right outside my door, and I could easily join their conversations or ask them to play a game or something... I should be doing more around the house. It makes me feel bad. I owe them money for small bills, I haven't paid in awhile but only cuz I haven't had cash.  But I don't really want to run errands, answer emails, run testing, grade papers, lesson plan. I am doing these things. I am doing them well (to some extent), but I don't want to... I want to be in love, or I want to be lost in a fantasy world, and neither of those options seem like a good "reality" right now. 

Tim introduced me to this Alt J, I kind of like it, sometimes I am a little annoyed but over all I like it. 
One of my students introduced me to this Andrew Jackson Jihad, which I also enjoy.


I want to write and read and draw and play computer games and listen to music and fuck off.