(A song on repeat today)
It is a Saturday mid March of the year 2022. I haven't been writing much, some combination of having someone to share my thoughts with (E), feeling like there isn't anything new, and worrying about what I say?
The plant she brought over has a few brown spots from under-watering, neither of us are good plant parents. She stays over 1-2 times a week, and I stay over there the same. My life is complicated by the complications of her life, choices she has made, patterns she is trying to divest in, the pull of family drama. I hope to help her disentangle, and get caught up in my excitements. I have no control over hers, and maybe I dislike that. In many ways it feels like every other relationship I have had, except, I don't feel anxious very often. Her drama is hers, and I can worry about her, but I don't worry that she isn't into me -all that often. She neglects out of distraction and being pulled into things, but never fails to reassure me, assures me daily that she wants me in her life. It's a security I haven't felt in a long time, someone assuring me emotionally on the regular.
We are talking about a future together (dating for about 7 weeks now), and what that would look like. We are meeting each other's people, and talking finances, and dreams. I am planning on a vacation this summer, and can I afford to bring her along? Recently a 'check-in' question was love or money, and I find myself vacillating between the desires, not so much of saving money, but of being secure in it. Security in love? or in money? The things they afford you...
Norway and Sweden. Finland and Denmark and the Baltics all for myself. What will that cost for two people? $5,000 10? What about keeping an apartment to return to, and paying off bills and health insurance too! How much time should one a lot for this type of trip. Originally I could have seen myself with 8 or 9 weeks, but with company? With a girl friend at home? 4? 5? Does she have enough PTO to cover a week away... not sure. Life is enriched and complicated.
I am leaving my job, officially the second week of June. 2 years and some change. A couple full school years. What comes next? I don't know. I don't worry too much. I have a difficult time leaving the program behind, knowing its flaws, and the low morale of the staff. Knowing our clients will be hurting, that their hurt is limitless within the cycles of the program. Heal and leave, or leave, regardless time passes and a new batch will pop up, reminding you of your old self, and is that ok? Does it make you want to flee? Then expand.
Within my current position, there isn't a lot more to learn. I could move up, but I don't want the administrative hassles and drain. It's not healthier to move up in this company. Better to seek out something new. And will folks follow? I can't control that, though it's reassuring to hear that a few others might make it through the summer or whatever. Its cool to see that some of the conversations that have taken place a year or two ago are coming back, and this time maybe leading to something different. But it's old hat to me. It's easy to predict, and it's not my job to change it. I can't do the work for others.
One of the things that has been more exciting to me is the teaching of staff, leading in that way. But within my company the expectation is to do all of the above all the time, and being pulled in different directions like that is draining. Could I teach and do therapy and lead groups and classes and all the paperwork involved? yes, I could do all of this. But I can't do it well. And intention and preparedness is a big piece of all of these things.
What is my weight and my responsibility, and how to balance these things I have very little control over?
I was walking around the lake this morning, somewhat irritable -as I have been a lot lately. Like all week. Is it lack of sleep? of exercise? of water? sickness? grief and the oncoming changes? Am I feeling behind, or pulling away. The random things of life seem less important, less sweet, as I look to another for a taste. And so I walked and tried to put my thoughts to a lighter place, one of smiles and gratitude, of taking in the little things, enjoying the way dogs look like their owners, and branches scatter across the sidewalks far away from the trees that once birthed them. The failure of winter to stretch or claw, while Spring hasn't quite woken up to rebirth. Listening to music, I sang, I conducted, I danced. Tried to take in the sun while sitting on a bench, letting my eyes (shaded behind eyelids) collect the universal, letting them go soft and gentle, letting them welcome what comes. Like the thought that maybe all these people are cutting out a piece of their hearts and giving it to their pets for safe keeping. Like the thought that maybe I should be more afraid that both sets of parents are out of town, rather than delighting in the pictures and brief notes my mother shares of Spain. Like maybe I should, or shouldn't tell E about the possibility of seeing J this summer, and then the idea of them meeting and making inappropriate jokes together and feeling like life might be better for it.
And on the way home I heard this song (at the top). And felt myself shiver, collapse a bit, tear up. A very simple song speaking of something very profound. I can't help but think of G-d in those moments, can't help but feel touched spiritually-whether I welcome it or not -as some part of me of course wants to cling to this transitory, this profane plain.
Lately I've found myself acknowledging something really different (for me), all due to E... which is that I am not clinging to my intellectualizing, not grasping for it as an anchor, not in the same way. Her knowledge and wisdom doesn't come from books, it comes from heart and experience, and it forces me to view things a different way, to go within my own experience, in my heart, my stomach, my shoulders, and accept what comes without waiting for it to feel rational. And of course, I do that too, put a coat of logic around the feelings as I always have, but I don't have to. I can just accept what comes, surrender to the things that seem illogical (only because I haven't done them before), because it feels good and trust that is enough. Of course there are thoughts and worries, but in the moment, not so much, not questioning myself, not questioning her. Just smiling and enjoying.
