i hollered lordy lordy have mercy on me


trying to get some shit together with zach and hols and gabs and my gil and shit and the progress is slow...

lets see me and tom are trying to switch so that are roommates room together and I and he chill. it ill be real interesting if it works out for better or for worse or something, it will be interesting...

i need new tires!!! 2 of em for sure, within a month me thinks. so i was looking through my glove compartment thing for the receipt to the tires i got few years ago to see if they had a warranty, and i didnt find it. but i did find some old pics of me and nikki (first and only "real" ex girlfriend) which was weird, i thought it weird that i would forget something like that, especially because i have always been mad i dont have more pics of that time. so it was a set of copies of 1 pic (did that make sense?) and now im wondering if i should send her the other.

some shit about this:
we havent talked in like years.
we have avoided talking when we see eachother
we ended on bad terms (kinda)
both of us have moved on, in life, relationships, as people (but i live in the past a lot with truamatic things)
I want to apologize for the bad terms, but have already
I want to thank her for something she did after we broke up that I really appreciated, and havent yet

I feel like the last two validate using this opportunity to send her a letter but it still feels strange.

I feel babyish for even making this into an over dramtic event.


any thoughts?????

trippy visuals

so I just wrote a poem and it got erased by blogger,

I dont remember how it went, maybe later I wil try to recreate or make it better, anyway it was called

"contemplation of the forcing of the transitional march"

so da deal is, and if you have been reading at all you know this, im working at a baker square. but... im not making the kind of money i want to, and i dont always like being there so. Zach and pete are apparently going out hiking/camping in august, and im thinking i dont need this shit, so im gonna quit like either the first week or after the first week of august. but what i need to know is, should i tell them now- with the possibility that they will give me less hours so they can train someone else in? or do i wait a few weeks and screw them over?

right now im saying at the end of next week i will tell them... does that seem reasonable?


my second day of pottery class went better than the first, kids talked a bit more, they got a lot accomplished and then the class was over...
many of them are skipping next week cuz of the holiday, and i think that might make it a bit easier to give individual help. (there are normally 13, 12 today I think)

I have something like 6 tupperware containers full of projects they want fired.
I still have to contact the lady about that...

Hmm the second episode of the new real world is on tonight...


Oh i have a stats class which started yesterday and already i am ready to quit, just not in the school mentality and its hard to be motivated when you dont enjoy the subject, but i got a 75% on my first learning check so i better step up or im gonna get a C, all this shit is due manana, 60 pages of reading 2 lerning checks and an assignment i think.

oh well
you be the one with the streaks and the glimmer
i'll fake a chance and scam like im a winner

So i know this is becoming a pretty popular blog, (the link not me) but i think its interesting enough that i should throw out a link so, post secret

I started my stats class today and already got some problems wrong, which is a great way to start I think, cuz the material gets harder and i get lazy-er so c+? actually im hoping for a b...

I just finished a book called listen, little man! by a guy named wilhelm reich, its an interesting read, the author is a freudian based pyschoanalyst as well as a scientist, doctor and more, he developed a theory of Orgonamy which has been banned by the fda and by banned i mean complete... books burned and seized etc, he actully got locked up for a few years. anyway he is quite a megalomaniac or whatever ut at the same time I would almost say this book should be required reading. He doesnt go into any organized details or any theories but in a very almost drugged babbling rant complains and dispells the foundations of society and our organizing principles and such... its hard to understand sometimes because he doesnt seem to edit at all, but its got some good stuff and some interesting pictures every couple pages.

in the end he comes to a sort of conclusion about, if people would just live forthemselves, take pride and love what they do and who they are with then there would be no need to fight, hurt, save or cure anybody because everything would be right again. its strange though how the concepts of the time play into his somewhat distorted view of things. i dunno this is a shitty unorganized review of an unorganized book.

i got a lot of secrets and all, but really i wish everything was on the table all the time, its frustrating when yo cant talk about things openly.

I keep almost posting and then forgetting or being like "na shit aint got nothin"
If you havent figured it out (and maybe I said it already) but im trying to post more often, sadly so far this hasnt gotten anyone to come back, but maybe in el futuro, this place will be like an oasis in the middle of a jungle, or a desert with out dessert so you dont ruin your appetite. or something...
::::and then after a brief dispute with the phone and the chair and their tangling methods he returned triumphant:::::

Last week when becky went out of town it was kinda nice cuz my friends happened to be available at the same time and I didnt have to like be stressed or anxious about disappointing anyone this week, it seems we make plans to make plans and then delay those plans till later... which is cool, but i should be getting stuff done then and im not. like reading the first chapter of my stats book or whatever cuz it starts monday and the first check quiz thing is wednesday. or finishing the book im reading listen, little man! which is really quite brilliant sometimes in expressing and capturing and rounding up the frustration we have with the people of the world for not living in a better way.
or being an up right gentleman...

Gabs was talking about maybe going to a movie, she wanted to see crash which which i highly recommend but since i have already seen it I would personally like to see something else, which sucks because no one wants to see batman...

I wish i had something nice to say but i dont, and i dont wrap up things in nice neat little packages

"oh fuck what do i do!!"


Saw Madagascar last night, it was funny and all but probably not as funny as i expected it to be, which is sad...
some good dancing though. they paint an unrealistically good view of zoos and animals and stuff, but its a kids movie so u know.

Trying to see a movie tonight with my pops but i dont know if that will happen, i felt bad for not getting him a fathers day gift, i went over to eat with him twice, that seemed like celebration enough.
but then i thought, oh maybe he will see the batman movie with me, doesnt sound like thats gonna happen.
maybe steve...

Yesterday was my first pottery class, and probably my first official teaching job, though it was for kids younger than i will be certified to teach, 8-11 yrs old and there are thirteen of them, and one seemed really pissed off or bored.
I ran out of stuff to tell them about 20 mins in to the class. It was rather quiet and the kids were shy, and i become a bumbling idiot when im nervous and no one else is talking so that was fun. I realized that the kids are pretty much down for anything but i already taught them about pinch coil and slab techniques so now im like "oh fuck what do i do!!" so thats cool you know.. I asked them stupid questions and now im gonna have to prepare real lesson plans. I wasnt even supposed to work today!! (thats not true its just a poorly misquoted quote) or something. so yeah, and then i had a horrible day at work where i just felt exhausted all night. and then we saw the movie and today seems like a better day, though i woke up tired as shit and had a bunch of strange ass psuedo nightmares and shit.

yall be good ya hear?

Me and Ill were talking about languages, I had spent half an hour watching the news in french at her dad's house, she was helping edit some translations for him. Her family history is rich in foreign cultures and it occurred to me that she ought to know like 5 lnguages, and she felt the same and was mad that her parents would ask when she was gonna take classes when they could have just brought her up speaking french hebrew arabic italian etc.

its weird for me, I know in reality I have just as much ability to learn a language as anyone else, not that I can even master english, but basic conversations in another language ought to be in reach and seem to be for everyone around me, at least lately. I often tell people I can understand spanish just cant speak it, and to an extent thats true but it takes a lot of concentration and helps enormously if they use hand gestures.
the guys at work are trying to teach me some spanish. Im glad in a lot of ways but I dont think I will ever pick up anything unless i live there and even then it seems like it would be more difficult than people make it out to be. Anyway i guess im fortunate in that I am constantly around people who are better then me.

The poem I wrote on Gabs streetside curb

self made majesty
mystirical
mystery
clearly accommodates
compliments
consolidates
the already fortunate
fictionally fantastic
others left in seeming solitude
desolate drastic

factually we got it wrong
errors in our ways
we psychosomatically
treat the rich like
they got it made
while they barricade up
their lawns,
lock and key,
fortify
while those without
live truly free
society
denies

purpose of a safety net
hold us back or keep us up?
Hit the ground
hit it hard
roll over shake it off
find it comforting
there is that base
the free fall breeds anxiety
on the ground a man is free
adorn and bow
his majesty

Socially ignant/foolish

I find myself in conversations lately doing the things that people are telling me they find irritating. Becky tried to tell me this many times and I got defensive, but realized she was right. Its just hard to change over night, i gotta learn to listen again. A certain friend of mine said shes no good with people anymore and yet people smile everytime they see she is working and her fellow employees beg for the opportunity to work shifts with her (or at least it seems that way) she would say she just works hard, but its more than that its the inner her yelling out, through "hey what can i get you today?"s hugs that mean something...

So I too cannot listen...
It was sad cuz Gabs was telling me about some cats she found frustrating and then described what i had been like in the hour of conversation before that. Then later with some other cats I found myself comparing and competing unnecesarily, and when i tried to stop the words would come out of my mouth with out me even thinking about them. they had the key to unlock the door i put up. its weird, i dont know if anyone but becky has noticed and maybe it takes someone so close to realize im straying down the wrong road, and im glad that she calls out to tell me to turn around or cut through the grass to get back on track.

I have weird fascinations with people from relationships that didnt pan out and werent ended properly. I also have extreme guilt and fear of meeting/seeing these people and its incredibly sad. I saw nick hanson last night at uptown express and he had two friends with him and looked really happy and it was so awesome but i couldnt even smile his way cuz i havent talked to that kid in years and even then didnt have a real conversation but i went to one of his birthday parties to the mn zoo and they got me dairy queeen and he was always overly nice...Im glad he seemed happy, im sorry i didnt say hi.

Me and gabs saw this movie (cant remember the title) about the union strike at ilver creek New Mexico and about half way into the movie I realized I had read an article in one of my women studies classes about the strike and how the community dealt with it, before during afterword, cuz the women basically end up doing as much work as the men and there is all sorts of social role reversal for awhile which hurts the guys egos.... etc.

you do the math im a weirdo.

Well on the way, Maybe I can get some pics up in the next few days, Me and gabs are goign to a movie tonight me thinks, just spilled orange juice on my keyboard ahhh!
HMMMMM summer projects completed
* got a job

summer projects in progress
* bout to start teaching pottery class (painting and comic book class got cancelled)
* read 2 and (2 halfs) of the 10 or so books im supposed to read this summer.
recommend wigfield, america the book, still reading michael moore's will they ever forgive us or whatever, and listen little man or something like that.
* Have started (with much progress updating itunes, but just got limewire and the added songs will probably fuck me up again

Not started
* not losing weight like I wanted to.
* not saving or earning enough like I wanted to.
* Not writing more like I wanted to.
* havent met with my gramps for first interview (maybe next week).
* Havent started typing up poetry.
* Havent been painting/drawing.
* Havent taken any trips (dont know if i will)

its gonna take awhile to get thise site up and running again, but some problems with the comments made me make drastic changes and now i got to get those links back which will take time, anyone remember what they were?

say goodbye to all the old comments, sorry oh the history wasted and maybe hello to the new???

Baker Square

So im a cook right?
no--not really, the more I work the less I feel like I know, and sometimes I work alone, which is scary, cuz im looking at the same menu the customers are to figure out what goes in what. The cats I work with are generally cool but emotions and tempers run high when you're in an environment where you have to depend on the person who was there before you or the night before or a week ago. for example the turkey takes like hours to bake so if its not baked it aint getting served at dinner -and we didnt make no fucking turkey today --cuz we didnt do enough prep yesterday (i was doing prep yesterday, and i looked over that list like 5 times and everything was done) but then there are always the few things u do a little less of and a little more of, like yesterday I made enough stuffing (also for the turkey dinner) to last all week, unfortunately i think it goes bad in 5 days, not that would stop anyone there from serving it...
anyway people are all hopped up on adrenochrome or something and they run around yelling and swearing and muttering under their breaths at eachother and then say have a nice day when you leave, and thanks and shit cuz they really are all very nice people.
I dont work enough to save much cash this summer, I was hoping to make like 3 thousand and now it looks like 2 thousand tops. but with work and a projects and classes and visits on the weekends I think i will be busy enough.

Im reading the book Wigfield by the strangers with candy cats, it is so funny at times you gotta tap the stranger next to you and read it to them, and the jokes dont seem to get old even though they all tend to have the same format of run on and random metaphors(that dont really make sense) or contrasting similies and such. its funny.

We went to see Mr and Mrs smith last night and its quite entertaining, but i dont think its all that memorable, like your not thinking about it 2 days later or anything, its mostly action comedy action comedy and the romance is like 3 mins and interrupted.

Delusions of Grandeur

So I had this dream last night, and I say dream because most of it was rather simple and though uncomfortable, reasonably pleasant. Later it turned into a nightmare and I woke up all gross and scared and shit.

So there were a bunch of us, sort of standing (trying to keep our balance, on a circular platform, with poles in the middle, but the platform was shaky at best and downright tipsy at worst and im fairly sure a few people did fall off, into what im not sure... sky maybe. Anyway we were all having a conversation while jumping back and forth to keep our balance and though the conversation was notably tense it was not outright mean or anything. More just extreme concern. As people were redistributing their weight the platform would adjust accordingly and it became noticeable that what was needed was a leader to tell everyone where to stand so that it was relatively equal. I took this role not by choice but rather because my tenseness demanded that I start talking (as I do when im tense) so I just started talking and saying things, and the people listened and eventually it all worked out. Then shortly after the whole balancing contraption was gone and we sat around a sort of patio with chairs and a round white table. There were 5 maybe 6 (there could have been more, but some came and left) of us including myself and im fairly sure that the people were some of my best friends, I got the impression most were men, and that I loved them like best friends, and but not family. The conversation continued and it was one of those deep conversations but one person(I don't know who) seemed to be distraught and angry, and the rest of us were trying to calm him or incite him or whatever we thought was best, but eventually he centered on his hatred of someone or something, and I questioned "hate? or anger?" and he asked what the difference was. and I told him something about how hatred is not worth it but anger is an emotion that we can learn from, like hatred shuts doors, while anger expresses our hurt (sometimes) but then we moved on into like better ways to express hurt, and eventually all of them were just listening to me and sort of understanding. They seemed to agree and so when I was done talking I walked down fro the patio on to other shaky platforms and could keep my balance and was a few good minutes away(it seemed like)when I heard running after me and not like happy running but like mob running, like angry running. So I turned around and saw all of my friends with hatred in their eyes trying to run and hurt me, and I was losing my balance again....
then I woke up.

I can tell im conceited but it reminds me of biblical stories

I dont know what my comments system isnt working.... i'd get right on top of that and all but i doubt anyone has been dying to get a hold of me or anything.
if you do need to
e mail hagg0055@mrs.umn.edu or Mikehaggar@msn.com

so i work at a baker square in st paul. I have been working every day thats why i dont see no one anymore and am always tired.
Im a cook and im trying real hard to remember everything, but it comes slow ya know.

other that that i dont really have shit to say. im a loser baby so why dont you kill me