This week has been hard. I feel like I need to cry, maybe I do. Some fog permeating my aura, a half inch above and below my skin. Almost invisible, not stagnant but moving, permeable. And sometimes a joke or a good picture will cut through it. But mostly it feels like a hazy curtain. Part of it is the weather of course. The dark creeping in, the cold that lasts from night into mid afternoon. Part of it is work. I am not feeling successful. I am not seeing an easy means of success that would show I was worthwhile. Some of my cases feel hopeless, and the ones that don't are also logistically nightmarish. The work space is fine, and then cold and lifeless. People are nice and then absent. Part of it is societal. The supreme court nominee was accused of sexual assault, an incident that happened when he was a teenager, but still too real. He reacted petulantly, but will probably still get a life time appointment. If he had said "yes, I did that, I'm sorry. I've been trying to make up for it since." Would the story feel so disheartening? There is no new information but I am drawn to the news. Part of it is that I feel like I am settling into comfort, hibernation. The crazy excitement and mystery is wearing off, but I still feel drawn in a different way. I want more time to just be, but worry we will always be running away.
The idea of having my own children is slowly fading. Sure, I could adjust to the task, but do I want small ones? Do I want that constant responsibility? Worry? Insecurity?
Socially, I feel like I should be reaching out to people, but I don't know what that would do. Would I just feel more quartered? I want to integrate my life.
I want the malaise to lift.
Saturday, September 29, 2018
Saturday, September 22, 2018
Fall
The weather is turning. This week has been hard: storms and gray, but also the chaos of an unstructured life, and the crisis of the week my clients are facing. Its easy to start to get down on yourself, and then you look around and by comparison you're doing just fine.
Work is going well, but I am also falling behind already. I should be doing my paperwork more regularly. Reaching out to people. Getting a good sense of what is possible from the clients. People seem to like me, feel they can confide in me, but I also wonder who is lying or covering and why. The work is also a bit lonely. I like consultation on fridays, but it is also depressing to hear about families with such dire situations.
I feel like I see people in dreams. Like things are familiar. Like there is love and deep connection. Most of my social relationships have gotten a little shallow. Or a deep dive and then weeks without talking. I've had an attitude of why bother reaching out when I don't know what I can give. I've had an attitude of not wanting to invest when I am not sure the investment will pay off. But it is passive, not malignant. I think the more I find connection and fulfillment in my primary relationship, the less satisfying many of my friendships feel. And I need to find a better balance, because I can't depend entirely on one person, even if she is who I want to be talking to. I think my saying this, is just an acknowledgement of where I am right now, I am not sure it will last but I don't mind it being this way. Having a partner in that way feels really nice. I don't always trust it. This week amongst the hidden sun, and the wind, and the sprinkling in the air, I also experienced some strong moments of insecurity. Of worry.
I caught myself trying to figure out how satisfying life would be without her right now, and it was difficult. I know that I would continue working, but would it suck? Would I feel like I could reach out to coworkers, would I simply become more isolated again? I know that I would probably write more, but would I feel invested in life or just avoiding? I know that I would prepare for a trip, probably next summer, and that I might put off those life things again in the meantime. Its hard for me to envision meeting someone else. More than likely I'd regress to that same old state, the same way that the few years before meeting her, I was looking and not finding. But still there are promises and then there are promises. There are dreams and there are plans, but these things take time. There are friends and families and these things are important, and inevitably put off, and for good reason. Because they are important and my rushing doesn't help anything.
I am reading Trainspotting. More or less I simply imagine the actors who play the roles, so it isn't nearly as exciting as other books. Many of the scenes are a little more complete in the book form. I like it, but I also find it tedious at times. This is normally why I don't read books twice.
I've put off getting an apartment for another month. I think I need to focus on work, and M seems to be fine with me and my current situation for now. I was so embarrassed that for months we snuck around parking lots and stores, and parks. But we are still finding the balance.
Maybe next month things will seem more settled, maybe she'll be less interested, maybe I will be, who knows.
I didn't have enough caffeine today. I need to do paperwork, but I don't want to in public, but I also don't want to sit in my room all day. Maybe I will do some reading/editing.
Work is going well, but I am also falling behind already. I should be doing my paperwork more regularly. Reaching out to people. Getting a good sense of what is possible from the clients. People seem to like me, feel they can confide in me, but I also wonder who is lying or covering and why. The work is also a bit lonely. I like consultation on fridays, but it is also depressing to hear about families with such dire situations.
I feel like I see people in dreams. Like things are familiar. Like there is love and deep connection. Most of my social relationships have gotten a little shallow. Or a deep dive and then weeks without talking. I've had an attitude of why bother reaching out when I don't know what I can give. I've had an attitude of not wanting to invest when I am not sure the investment will pay off. But it is passive, not malignant. I think the more I find connection and fulfillment in my primary relationship, the less satisfying many of my friendships feel. And I need to find a better balance, because I can't depend entirely on one person, even if she is who I want to be talking to. I think my saying this, is just an acknowledgement of where I am right now, I am not sure it will last but I don't mind it being this way. Having a partner in that way feels really nice. I don't always trust it. This week amongst the hidden sun, and the wind, and the sprinkling in the air, I also experienced some strong moments of insecurity. Of worry.
I caught myself trying to figure out how satisfying life would be without her right now, and it was difficult. I know that I would continue working, but would it suck? Would I feel like I could reach out to coworkers, would I simply become more isolated again? I know that I would probably write more, but would I feel invested in life or just avoiding? I know that I would prepare for a trip, probably next summer, and that I might put off those life things again in the meantime. Its hard for me to envision meeting someone else. More than likely I'd regress to that same old state, the same way that the few years before meeting her, I was looking and not finding. But still there are promises and then there are promises. There are dreams and there are plans, but these things take time. There are friends and families and these things are important, and inevitably put off, and for good reason. Because they are important and my rushing doesn't help anything.
I am reading Trainspotting. More or less I simply imagine the actors who play the roles, so it isn't nearly as exciting as other books. Many of the scenes are a little more complete in the book form. I like it, but I also find it tedious at times. This is normally why I don't read books twice.
I've put off getting an apartment for another month. I think I need to focus on work, and M seems to be fine with me and my current situation for now. I was so embarrassed that for months we snuck around parking lots and stores, and parks. But we are still finding the balance.
Maybe next month things will seem more settled, maybe she'll be less interested, maybe I will be, who knows.
I didn't have enough caffeine today. I need to do paperwork, but I don't want to in public, but I also don't want to sit in my room all day. Maybe I will do some reading/editing.