Reframes

 When we try to picture the future it is too vast, so look one step ahead.  If you are lost in the woods and cannot find a way through, can you find the next step? Let that be your hope, your guide, see the clear path in front of you, not the vast wilderness, or in other terms look for the snowy path, and not the trees when skiing, look at the open road in front of you and not just the cars and other obstacles to flow forward. 

Paradoxical intention, find the humorous exposure for the  fear,  make your worst dreams true, make it a joke, find the clown in it, take on that fool energy. If you are afraid of choosing wrong, choose the wrongest, if you are afraid of making something ugly, make it the ugliest, find the delight in your fears, the way forward through your terror  is to embrace each step with intention and a smile… I am afraid of embarrassment, of rejection of abandonment, of being trapped, and of course the dark, what to choose first? Find my purpose in choosing wrong, let it be a lesson.   WOW what a gift to be shown my fears and attachments aren’t real… just a thought, an ego attachment to something that isn’t. What is this new thing I can embrace with curiosity rather than judgment… oh and let go. I am bad at… yes and? 

Be the baddest, all the better for learning and growing behind the limitations you’ve imposed… 

Come back to this, fantasize about the worst possible scenario and enjoy it. Enjoy the intention of the fool, of the backwards clown… laugh laugh laugh 

March

 It’s been the warmest winter on record, barely a few days of snow and if I had to guess none that lasted more than a week.   It’s 69 degrees in Minneapolis right now. I am sure this means drought this summer, and though we will probably all be fine, I am sure that means famine across the globe. It’s staring us in the face, but I am drinking Keurig coffee and about to fly to Arizona in a week, where it is also 69 degrees today. Odd. 

Yesterday I went for a long walk with Rachel and both my feet still hurt. Not sure if it’s the padding in my shoes or something else, but it feels awful. Kept me up last night. Eventually I took Advil and used biofreeze. Maybe this is the beginning of the decay from the bottom up? 

Medical issues have not been surrounding me, though I do have a weird cough and difficulty swallowing some times. (Decay from the top down).   E on the other hand has had a resurgence of her eye condition.  Hopefully it gets better now that she is on meds. The whole ordeal has been terrible. Also she is going down on Effexor each month and the withdrawal is noticeable, perhaps just the underlying trauma/anxiety finally coming out.  Work has been hard for her - more burnout at a job. 

We are going to Arizona to see here dad and grandparents. Not sure what the plan is really, but we will talk about it later. I’m sure there will be a lot of just hanging out, but I also hope to explore if my feet aren’t killing me. I’m not a big drinker.  E wants to talk with her dad about things. Could be a great time, could be very hard. Either way, I am glad we are going. Hopefully nothing medical happens. (Knock on wood, and cross fingers). 

My company is being bought out by a major healthcare/insurance company. I’m not a fan of the arrangement, but at the same time maybe it will mean better benefits and what not. Or a push into private practice… I will be done supervising in May. I am glad to get back to the more simple task of dealing with clients only.  It’s not where I want to put my energy right now. Holding the weight of it… is definitely not how I want to spend my time. Kind of like being the testing coordinator at my teaching job. Yuckers. 

Work has been good for the most part. Finally slowing down after a quarter or two of pushing myself and being above quota every week. Now I’m around where it’s supposed to be, and I have time during the day to be present or rest, or get paperwork done so I’m not spending every night doing it. The idea of private practice sounds nice if someone else did all the legwork. 

Spirit and heart.

Lately I’ve been struggling with uncertainty at times. I feel like it comes on as nervousness and stays on as a lingering doubt. Mostly this just has to do with the future, but even in the present it might disrupt my confidence in doing work, or attending to tasks.  It’s weird.  It’s sort of the ‘do I know what I’m doing?’ Thought. I’d prefer to fall back into trust in G-d or the universe, to have that constant faith and belief that things will be ok… but I don’t have it all the time. Sometimes when it is absent, it’s because I’m avoiding or distracting… too much time on Instagram or playing games. Sometimes it’s because I feel overwhelmed, or a lack of energy… for instance I need to buy a car. But it is a lot easier to just walk to work and figure it out as I go. One time I’ve had to pay for an Uber, but mostly I rely on rides from E, or borrowing her car. $30 for one Uber, versus insurance and gas for the last 3 months… plus it forces me to exercise a little. 

But the real thing is, when would I have time to buy a car? Am I ready for the paperwork and the right questions?  I gotta put myself into that spot. And I have had other priorities.  I think I’m gonna make a goal of buying one by the end of the month… so April I will have a car again. Maybe. Not having a car also makes it easier to avoid other tasks like getting my passport renewed and what not. 

I get done what is easy to get done, and I like a simple life.  

A few weeks ago I was having all these dreams about my exes. It was odd. I felt just as much love for them as I had in years past. I felt my heart on the line in all these strange ways… but the majority of the time, I don’t feel that way in my waking life. I have love for them, and pray for them, but I don’t necessarily miss them or long for them, or want to integrate them into my life like I did years ago. Time has passed and though I know I care for people deeply and continue to think about them, I am mostly content, satisfied, ok with time and distance.  So it was odd to have these dreams, accessing places in my heart I’ve not felt in a while. It made me curious about what they are up to. Made me wonder briefly if some like transformation would occur. 

How strange time is… how little we can predict… how momentum carries us. Rachel asked me about where I see myself on 10 years, at 50…  if I have kids, I’ll be a crabby exhausted old man… but happier for it - presumably.  If I don’t,  travel? A private business? Teaching?  I don’t know. 

But will be regretful… I don’t think so. Will I be resentful of others… I don’t think so. Will I be grateful for the opportunities and the challenges and the beauty of it all… I am pretty sure I will be.  I am now. I may not always be in the present moment, or inspired and awed… but on the whole, I feel optimistic that life will be ups and downs… and that I can enjoy and find gratitude and even peace in it. 

The other day a client mentioned the grief of a dead cat.  It made me so aware of the losses and the moments that felt unbearable and the fact that I have… will continue to do so. That this too shall pass… and flow on.    Love and loss, and love and loss… and I feel very honored to be a part of people’s journeys for the time the universe thrusts us together. And also very aware that I have little control over the turns when they come. Just that I can find a way to cope… to trust… to be open to the experience and learn, and grow.     I guess that’s what I wanted to say.   And also that I love you. 

Aging

 I turned 40 today. My family celebrated yesterday, and it was ok. I opened presents while the majority of the attention was on the niece and nephews. It was good. We ate icecream cake and take out Benihana. It was good. 

This morning E ordered me back into bed so she could bring me breakfast. A tradition in her family. We talked about how it’s actually a lot of pressure and kind of odd, and she said it’s even worse when there are more people around and you’re the only one eating… but she likes the tradition.  She’s been giving me small presents all week. I put together  1000 piece puzzle she gave me over the last few days of Covid. Took forever, but it was good. The majority of the presents aren’t meaningful, but fun or functional, or candy. I appreciate the gift cards in the day to day. I added 300 hundred to our envelopes for travel and “health” which basically just means “beauty” treatments. 

I made this joke about turning 40 and thus being in the decline, a few minutes later I had the suspicion it was true. A weird heavy lingering. Many times I’ve thought I was dying, or became afraid of dying, or was sad because I knew it was an inevitability of us all… but this felt slightly different. More just an acknowledgement that life likely won’t get easier or better in the ways I’d always imagined… not just a slope upwards, a reaching, though of course there plenty of amazing possibilities to come… but likely along side all of them will be some measure of heartache or loss, or heaviness… and maybe it’s always been that way and I was privileged to not know… or maybe I’ve always held both and just chose to see the good (while simultaneously dealing with the difficulties).  - I think about when I first was rejected from teacher training by Morris, and initially I was just devastated, but within a few days I was planning on attending UMNs master program, and then Morris invited me back. And when I went back I tried extra hard because I knew it was something that mattered to me. And graduated, if you can call it that, in the top of the class. 

But there are a million things I am always scared of and preparing for, and weighing out, so I can’t very well say I haven’t experienced the negatives before… maybe just that the majority haven’t panned out… whereas in the next 40 (if I am blessed to live that long) I will surely start facing those consequences for real? 

I am staring to have a bald patch in the back do my head… it doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. I almost see it as a badge of my age.  James has a white beard for the most part… when did my uncles hair turn? When did they lose it?   I suppose my cousin lost his hair in his twenties so losing it at 40 seems like a long thing.   I asked James if he has advice, he basically said, you’re gonna wanna play with your kids on the floor, and it will hurt. Use a pillow, but also get into shape now cuz it’s harder later.  Great advice. 

I found myself over the last week or so wrestling with wanting to return to work. I really enjoy my job and it gives me a sense of purpose and a drive to do it well.  It was painful to sit around and be unproductive and not giving… E called me out a lot on my inability to just sit with myself or rest or take care of me… I feel like I do that frequently. But she is also right that I am over board on work.  I have no balance.  I have no puzzle to just sit and stare at for 7 hours, instead I am always twisted with the 500 things on my list.  It will never get done.  But I did get the puzzle done.

I feel bad for not wanting to connect with people… but I am mostly content in my life. I feel good about stuff… and just a touch “behind.”

14

 The significance of any of the title is how many digital dots in the time at this moment. 

I’m getting over Covid. It’s my first official time having it. It wasn’t pleasant but it was more funny than hard, so far at least. Today was the first day I felt mostly better. Yesterday I learned that you aren’t supposed to take thraflu and DayQuil in the same day.  

E is sick now. For the second time in two weeks she is out of commission. Last week it was a stomach flu. 

Today I felt a lot better, got a lot of the house chores done, but still feel behind, especially with work and long term tasks. E is wondering why I can’t sit still and why the moment I feel better I want to get back to work. I feel like I’m two weeks behind major things, even if most of them are very minor… I feel like I can’t waste a day, and she is wondering why a day not working is wasted? And I wonder if she is right, though I also am frustrated that we are falling behind by the day week month… and it’s not because I’m not working hard. 

They told me they’ll give me 10k for my car even though it is destroyed. Which is pretty good considering. Will still take a week to work through the paperwork, probably longer to get a check… but at least that is a concrete thing.   

New car? New payment plan? I dunno yet.  I think about how many older folks are losing their ability to drive and wondering if I can have their car… 

The first few days of Covid I laughed, I laughed at how ridiculous it felt, sudden aches and temp changes, a cough but one that came on so rapidly I could barely turn my head let alone raise a dulled arm to quash it. I laughed at how things seemed so difficult all of a sudden. How there was a barrier to my brain. I enjoyed the first few days… it was the weekend and I had no responsibilities. Then came the week and suddenly I was responsible not only for my own clients, the paperwork and what not, but also of my supervisees. 

I’ve already decided I don’t want to continue being a supervisor. I don’t actually like it. It means less control yet more oversight, guiding without enough teaching… I don’t like the set up of it, at least the way it is for me this year. If I had the time, maybe I’d develop a curriculum but I don’t have the time, and I definitely don’t have the energy, and I’m not likely to know where a student comes in or what they need until it’s already halfway through the year. If I were to do it, I’d want to do it full time. And that is not what I had in mind at this time. 

In my third day of Covid, which was really my fourth-  but the first day was masked by DayQuil, I found myself sad, frustrated, crabby. E was starting to get sick by this time and had to take time off work again.  I hadn’t been sleeping well, except in an upright position on the couch. I was bored of doing nothing, but couldn’t muster the strength or thought to do anything productive. I was scraping by, and knew it. And I was against anyone or anything that would further pull from my scarcity or energy. I felt acted upon, rather than the actor. Where was the laughter of yesterday? Why am I feeling so heavy with burden? 

Though last night the fog cleared somewhat and remained more open today. Not enough to work, not enough to go back to work… I’m not even sure about Thursday at this point. I need to catch up with last week when I was clearly getting sick but didn’t realize it. And also I suppose taking care of E while she was sick. 

I keep thinking I’ll have more time to catch up this weekend, but potentially celebrating my 40th… or not, maybe a drizzle fizzle sputter out - don’t want anyone getting sick. 

The thing that launched out at me this morning was that I feel I must act with integrity. Don’t cancel on others or leave them hanging when you are still capable. You know?  There is a job to do and people to attend to, and it is good meaningful work, even if it is fake. Many of my clients have been with me for over a year at this point, which is crazy. Some I’m sure will stay as long as they can afford it. Maybe they are getting someone who believes in them. Or maybe just like to be listened to.. or maybe some get help with their problems. Some don’t, but they come back anyway… and I don’t know why. 

I think about that a lot lately.  The limits of therapy. I know I could be doing more breath work, more somatic work, more coping skills and psycho education … but it lands with some and not others. It’s like telling someone to journal… they will or they won’t.  I know that most would benefit from a change in diet, or more exercise, a larger support network, an empowering hobby… and I would benefit from all the same… but do we follow through? Not until we are ready. There isn’t a key to turn or a button to push or a magic wand… 

With my supervisees sometimes I sense that they are looking for that *key fix… I still look for it too. But I remind them of the things wiser and more patient people than I told me earlier on. Don’t follow the sense of urgency.    I still get caught in it.  

In the pre Covid state and throughout, we watched a lot of port protection Alaska show on Disney… we nicknamed it “not today buddy” because in almost every episode you watch those folks who are basically subsistence on the verge of the wilderness survivalist folks try to get food, or wood, or some other essential and then suddenly there is a storm, or no animals around, or something breaks. And eventually, despite their years of skills and experience they tell the camera person, I guess it ain’t happening today. But despite their disappointment, they maintain this positive vibe (at least for the show-behind the scenes who knows). 

E asks me how will I be present for kids, or life if I am always dedicated to work… it’s a good question. We both are frustrated by how often we are watching tv and scrolling on phones and not connected or present. Both have talked about how do we make more time for loved ones, while simultaneously frustrated with ourselves that we are not holding healthy boundaries, or not engaging in the way we would like to in our positive relationships.  

I often think about how many nights I would spend watching YouTube a few years ago… or movies when I was a teen, or all the lonely disconnected times I’ve already experienced and this feels better than that on any night… but it is the tv watching American life.

Made a little different because we don’t have kids yet. 

But not that different from anywhere and everywhere else. How do humans spend their time when they are bored?

I don’t drink or smoke, or take drugs very often… and this is another factor. 

I think about all the places I’ve been around the world and here, and I don’t necessarily see us doing anything different. But is it unfulfilling? Sometimes

She wonders about getting away to the country, I think it’s a nice dream, this simple life, back to nature, less technology idea, but I am not sure it would actually change anything unless you were super intentional. And super intentional is not easy, it takes a lot of energy and creativity and motivation and drive - to keep it feeling meaningful and not just a self imposed rule or restriction. 

My curiosity at this point in my life isn’t driven toward learning how to farm or create and maintain buildings. I have a vast love of learning, but I don’t find it meaningful right now… I find my work meaningful right now. 

Jan 1st

 It’s the end of the break, and the beginning of the new year. Sort of an artificial thing, but doesn’t keep us from reflection right? Maybe, makes it easier. 

Today was a weird hard day for no reason. 

I went to bed last night thinking I should probably erase some of my social media and games and what not, so that I could live a more present oriented  life. 

I had downloaded one of those super addicting games and spent a lot of time on it last night. The little drops of my attention getting sucked into the vacuum of this completely make believe - totally insubstantial thing. It gives hits of pleasure, enough that I considered making purchases so I wouldn’t have to wait for the little timers…

I’m sure we have all played these types of games. There are little mini games to play in between the larger theme, and sometimes you can’t remember which game you are actually intending to play. 

It’s a different sort of time waste than other things, with Tetris I know I’m organizing my mind. With word games I know I am utilizing my mind, with the computer games I am learning and thinking about history and what not… but with this artificial town, and its artificial economy, and its artificial timers and rewards… I’m just sucked into a nothingness… I suppose you could make the argument that having to keep all the little things in mind and return to them could be a type of memory or concentration building tool… but at the end of the day I have not accomplished my actual life goals and how many hours did I spend tapping away at the void?   And why do I feel drained, and anxious and on edge? 

I suppose there are other reasons too.  E’s stuff triggering my stuff triggering her stuff and so forth. 

She woke up this morning, felt sick, projectile vomited all over the room and it still smells cuz we don’t know where it all went. She hasn’t thrown up since but still felt sick all day and rested rather than pushing herself. Which is the healthy thing to do, except of course she has some deadlines that sound very serious. And it puts me into my trauma response. 

And so I did all the household work, and my work, and mostly just sat on my phone avoiding life today. I think it was because I was frustrated with her, with life, with the way I overwork and take care of things… and still don’t get ahead. 

I had some minor tasks I didn’t get done for work that I have been putting off, and it feels bad. I also took time off specifically to take time off… and up until the last few days didn’t feel bad about it at all. I did accomplish laundry, dishes, meals, and taking out the garbage and recycling. I also did some cleaning though it still smells. Lysol the whole mess. 

I get into this headspace where I worry that if I don’t do things, they won’t get done. In this space, I neglect to notice all the things other have done, or continue to do for me. I get self righteous and afraid. I try very hard to stay even minded, but I’m scared and frustrated… I worry that I won’t get to feel safe or get to do the things I want to do because I’ll be making up for others. In some cases this has been my genuine experience, and it’s hard because I know I have allowed it to happen and then become resentful.  In other cases, I think I envy not having to worry about it, because these things are always on my mind. My faith and values say that I should be able to roll with it, allow it to come, experience it, recognize that what I worried wasn’t the outcome and then let go of these worries… but that’s hard when the pattern repeats…  it would be nice to say come storm, rain down on my parade, I invite you. But I don’t think I’m that zen yet.  

I overbooked myself tomorrow. 8 clients and a supervisee. It’s gonna be a long tough day, and I don’t think I’ll have anything left.   Most of these clients are fairly easy to deal with, mostly enjoyable. But I have some worries… of course I do. Worry that I won’t be enough, worry that I would be able to support them, that I will lose steam and hurt them in someway. Enneagram 2 qualities?   I am not grounded, I’m not connected, and I think that throws me off quite a bit. The rest of the week is more average, but starting with this many clients is probably a recipe for disaster that I will be making up for next weekend and so on.  It never ends.   

That’s kind of the thing I’ve been thinking about lately, enjoy the process because it never ends… it’s all process, not end result. 

I wrote a text to Pete last night mentioning something like that.  I’ve been very out of touch with everyone. Not really a life… 

If I were able to balance better, like maybe 25 clients instead of 30 each week. Maybe that would be better… but there are still always hard situations, and I need something outside of work to be passionate about. 

Normally I’m pretty invested in my relationship, but this weekend it’s been more like trying not to caretake/control/worry/be frustrated. 

Anyway… I thought I would write because I couldn’t get myself to do more work, and also felt wound up from that stupid game… which I deleted so that I wouldn’t be jumping back to it between sessions at work. 

I dunno… I feel like maybe not all of this is my stuff to hold, but it impacts me, so where is the line? 

Heart stuff and holidays

 I’ve been working over time at my job for several months, I am supposed to have about 25 clients a week, but I’ve been averaging 29 plus 2 supervision sessions, plus 2-3 consults.  It’s taken a toll in that I haven’t seen much of my friends or family.  

We (E and I) skipped thanksgiving to get some time to rest and rediscover who we are, so I guess we have to put more effort into Christmas. Christmas is always kind of hard for me… too many expectations, too much disappointment, too much nervous system chatter. The desire to connect to be seen, but the recognition of having to play a role because everyone is pretending it’s ok… but things aren’t ok, you know?

I am taking next week off. A rare thing for me in this job, but a thing I should probably be doing more often.  At least a day here or there… 

I have so many clients I’m worried about, that it’s hard to think of them alone this week. Not necessarily that I am worried they will suicide, though I am worried, but more that I know they will feel alone… and that sucks. 

This week, reminding them I won’t see them till the new year… a few hesitations. 

I went to therapy tonight and did brainspotting for the second time. Both times I guess I am super susceptible, because I just launched into it.  This time I tried to focus on the memory of my dad finding out his mom was dying… E reminds me he was feeling anguish/despair… I remember him on the phone, I was 4 or 5 and he was across the room and he was holding himself upright… and I wanted to hug him, but I was afraid of his sadness and scared, and felt helpless. I was stuck in the doorway. I don’t know if that’s what actually happened, but that is how I remember it, and how it felt in my body all these years. Watching my dad fall apart on Christmas and knowing that the world wasn’t always ok.   

In the brainspotting I chased the feeling of being helpless, reluctantly, to be honest, I wanted to look away, but I was encouraged to follow to be curious to sit with… and so I noticed it, and noticed myself closing in, my hands pressing together, my shoulders crouching, my tight frame, my armoring… and I sat with it, then pulled away… then went back… and eventually the armoring lifted… I opened up to the feeling and the helplessness vanished… my little body could move again… and I could sit with the sadness and be compassionate. I wanted to hug him, and I could. I wanted to hug myself and let little me know it was ok… and I could.   There wasn’t the freezeframe anymore… I had movement and freedom. 

I found myself a few moments later armoring again. Sitting with the present and my need to be armored around my family. We discussed it for a half hour. Concluded I needed to sit with it, do some mindfulness prior to seeing them, notice that it’s ok when I arrive and gradually let go throughout the course of the experience.  

I’d like to some day not be a grouch at Christmas… but I’m not quite there yet. 

I found out M’s bio dad died.  A hurt in the heart for a man I never knew. For a woman I haven’t spoken to in years, and who I don’t plan to ever again. And still, there was love and wonder and curiosity and compassion once, and so it remains. I said a little prayer as I often do, for the folks in my heart and in their hearts.   It made me wonder about all the news I do not have, the other heart aches and joys… how out of touch I am. 

What will I do with this time off?  To remind myself I am bigger than my job? To connect myself to something more intimate, to be vulnerable and open?

I don’t know yet.   Maybe I’ll keep isolating, or maybe reach out. Maybe create. Or maybe just exist.  I dunno

Pumpkin Spice Season

It is a Sunday. I have plenty of work to do, but don't really want to do it. 4 DA updates, plus consultation notes, and termination summaries. It's tedious, and not really part of the moving forward process... part of the side quests maybe, part of the letting go. 

This morning I was reading this book  How Can I help? it is kind of a collection of perspectives and experiences around getting clear on what one is doing when trying to help, versus what is really helpful (according to the Authors). For instance, early in the book they mentioned that by being a "helper" you automatically require the other person to be the one who needs help... and that this power dynamic actually interrupts the help that is possible. Versus, as Ram Dass would say "I am in this one, how did you get in that one?" meaning meeting as souls experiencing the journey from a higher place. 

As I read (and of course the book says this will happen), I find myself questioning my profession and interactions. The unnaturalness of it all. Which is something I routinely comment on in sessions. That this is an artificial relationship, and that if the person were able to get what they need in a natural way, it would be preferable. Where are the natural helpers?

This morning's read was more along the lines of discussing the suffering that happens, and how to sit with it, rather than problem solve or push it away with intellectualizing, or distracting. I find myself routinely in this position through work.  

Lately I sit with clients or talk to them on the phone, who are experiencing an immense amount of suffering. Some experience pain. Some experience meaninglessness. Some experience loneliness and feeling unconnected. Despite their state, they are also all stuck in their stuff... 

EG a client complains of being ridiculously lonely and wanting to be around others, but rejects an opportunity because it's silly, or it isn't a preferred activity. The opportunity to meet her needs, but she rejects it because it doesn't come in the package she would like. What need is that then meeting?

Another Client behaves similarly, gets frustrated with the system that doesn't make it easy, but rejects it when it comes easily, prolongs the windows between connection, "I am too caught off guard, too anxious." 

Another Client longs deeply to be seen, and therefor rejects anyone's perception that she is similar to another. "That's just like your Dad." "No, see there you go comparing me (therefor, not seeing me). 

Another projects herself as being above everyone "I am a genius (smarter than everyone around me). Dont force me to conform, or jump into you boxes or roles..." and also wonders why she can't connect to others, or why there are so few people in her life who have really been able to make her feel a sense of belonging. 

Another sees himself as deficient, and therefor lives his life masking, and then wonders why it is so hard not to stray into distractions that allow him to get away from his circumstances. 

Some folks narrow it down to helplessness, worthlessness, and unloveablity. Or shame, guilt,

And how do I respond to these inner beliefs, or the situations of stuckness... Sometimes I want to jump in and problem solve (sometimes it is helpful), sometimes I want to run or avoid, sometimes I want to ask for help, sometimes it makes me feel not enough, sometimes it makes me question if I have anything to offer at all... so many responses. Sometimes I sit with it... validate, other times I challenge or question. It's a weird thing -therapy... like is there a right answer?  surely the pattern will repeat again. 

I find it the best when I can just sit with and believe in someone. 

But sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I want to challenge their drama. Sometimes I am caught up in it with them. Sometimes I want to provide perspective, othertimes share my own drama. 

I would like to respond with curiousity and creativity and warmth and offer a new way of being, rather than simply a new way of thinking... but its hard to do. At times I will feel super grounded and present, other times on edge and impatient. 

I don't have to look to work to recognize these patterns, I feel them deeply in my personal life. As work has taken up more of my time, I feel I have less to give to others. A lot of time with E and family, but not a lot left over for friends. Sometimes I miss them, but often I think of them with worry  rather than love. A scarcity mindset. What will they want from me? What if I can't perform or play into their stuff? What if I am not enough, or can't give enough, or don't want to?  It's all drama. 

E has been sick the last few days. She lost her voice, and is coughing and sore. She sounds absolutely miserable, and my honest reaction is to pull away. A combo of I don't want to get sick, and of feeling like I can't make the discomfort stop... so I need to distance. 

Shes been actively cleaning the house and doing projects and seems somewhat on edge. When I look at her, she appears mad at me. It triggers this belief that I am not enough, and not doing enough. She tells me I trigger the same in her, and we come together to acknowledge that this distance is awful and not intentional... but we spend a whole day believing our shitty interpretations before asking. 

I am worried about my elderly or disabled Clients... but do I take care of those at home? I expect my parents to be able to handle their own shit. To not be needy. I wonder if they complain to their therapists about us... our distance, our putting our wants before their needs.

Of course it makes me question all the future things. Louise, my current therapist reminds me frequently I don't have control over anything, and that when I think I do, its simply a delusion. All that effort, better to put it into accepting the current situation and responding mindfully. She doesn't say it that way... but its funny how flippant she is when she says I don't actually have control... and part of me is like... but foresight!!! 

Sometimes in the little quiet moments, I miss students and clients of long ago. The ones that unexpectedly touched my heart. Wonder who they are and what they are up to these days. Time marches as they say. 

Last night I had this weird little longing for the Care Barista coffee shop in Fontabello in Guatemala City. Something about the combo or an americano and a pecan pie, and Courtney? and the safety of the bougie mall in a sea of chaos. I miss guatemala city. I liked who I got to be, even if I wasn't sure what that was or what I wanted it to be. I think I wrestled there... and I am not so much wrestling now. 

Maybe I am ready to put my own wrestling on hold to watch the development of others? of littles? I don't know. I have things I need to do, and when am I supposed to do that in a 9 hour work day that also asks me for another hour or two at night, and 4 on the weekend. This isn't sustainable when I recognize that. Maybe I need to do concurrent documentation, or open my own practice.

I miss Courtney. She doesn't need anything from me. I should write her. I miss Victoria too. She's reached out a few times. We haven't connected in a long while. I miss people from long ago. At the same time... I can't even remember everyone's names. Who was that? Who were they really?

I like to pretend I know, but as a certain Client loves to remind me... and she being both more sneaky and more honest in a way, than most, people allow us to see what we want to see, to believe what we want to believe. Shes better at it than most, and so we all project on her. 

Maybe thats all they all are... my projections... projections of the one regardless, like myself... we are all in the maya, eh? 

 Finding myself hungry. So I should probably walk home.