Monday and out of the habit

This weekend was good, I spent some time tabling for the internship on Friday, then did some homework and saw Alicia. We went to see a movie and caught up a bit. She is really trying to make some changes in her life after feeling trapped in a cycle for far too long. Its pretty inspiring.
Saturday I did some homework, I walked lake of the isles, I took a nap. Sunday I did some homework, I saw Illy, I spent far too long relaxing and watching youtube in bed. The assignments were fairly easy and didn't require much reflection. I spent too much time worrying, and too much time dreaming. The days are short and I spend half hiding in my bed. Maybe it is the push pull.

I have an easier week this week. Tuesday and Wednesday are full but the others each have just a few things. One big assignment due this weekend but requires group work. Some readings I would like to do. A mnspec event on Sunday -it would be nice to attend.
Next week I suppose I will get another little break.
Wed-weekend should be lots of homework time.
Each of my classes has a few more big assignments. I am sort of anxious about them as my investment in the work seems to be waning. The little assignments are fairly meaningless, but at least they are simple applications. The longer assignments that require thought, creativity or reflection are a little more difficult. Sometimes it is just the amount of hours. So many hours.

I am unsure if I should be satisfied or worried by life right now. I am not working, but it is hard for me to imagine working and being able to stay involved in the things I am doing. I am looking forward to winter break, hoping to be able to pick up a few more hours at WICC but also see people, do some creative stuff, maybe some spiritual stuff. 

I have abandoned my friends -at least the ones not involved in the current things. Its hard to make room when I am working most nights and in class or doing homework on the weekends.

It is hard to imagine fitting someone new in, but I still feel like I am missing out on a huge part of life. That being said, I don't have a crush on anyone. I have people I find attractive. Folks I enjoy spending time with. But no one that I feel especially called to. When Jesse messages me in the middle of the night I get excited, but I don't have any belief that it means anything. I'm still hung up on old loves? I look around and see some folks who make it seem easy. I look around and see a lot of folks in broken relationships. I look around and see a lot of lonely folks- who I am unfortunately not interested in. The independence breeds a stronger desire for independence, a set in the ways, all my ways in a set.  Maybe I need to leave this place again. 

Friends will leave, thats a given. I've been reflecting a lot on my commitments to people since Krystin  passed. What is it I am able to do. Why is it I feel obliged to do more. Why feel guilty or ashamed since I can't.  I've been thinking a lot about the ways I've tried to repay my debts, rather than ask for reconciliation or forgiveness. How with some people I grew angry, and rather than confront them I withdrew because I didn't feel convinced that it was my place to say, and didn't want to pay the price of walking them through it. Did they do that for me? Did they hold my hand through a lesson? Did I allow them to. Or with the ones that I have hurt, would it hurt them more to acknowledge or should I walk away so they don't have to be afraid? And if that costs me some price, is it deserved? my fate? 
And of karma? should I dislodge this burden or continue to bear it, find myself chained again in the next life.

It is hard to invest in this world right now. Easy to invest in the simple things, the daily connection at work, the occasional kind word, the spare dollar for a tip. But this world seems so lost, so corrupt, so bitter. I don't want to live that way. I want to push back. But the effort is so great. 

I keep getting distracted. Woke up too late. Curious about all the flashy new paint. Drawn and quartered that way