Heart Vibes

This weekend has been weird and full of contradictions.  Im lonely but I don't want to see anyone. I'm excited but I don't want to do anything new. I am feeling good, but I'm taking naps and hiding in my dreams and under blankets.

I went to the coffee shop tonight after getting fro-yo with Illy. Had some tea, ran into an old classmate, saw some lizards (former students) walking down Nicollet.
I started reading The Whole Brain Child, which is a book that has been sitting on my shelf for months. Its a book directed at parents, but well known in the childrens mental health world, and I'd been meaning to read it.

I am reading it and all I can think about is M and her kids. I am suddenly back in the world where I was preparing to be their step dad. Where the entirety of my world was trying to learn to be the best I could be for them as a family. Where every thought went through that gate, and came out with a sense of purpose, that drove me to commit to things over and over.  All I wanted to do was be there for them, the kids, molly as a parent, as a person. I wanted to sooth her and allow her to be the best she could be.  And I am sitting in the coffee shop reading this book with all this grief, and I'm not angry, or hurt, or frustrated like I have been, I'm simply back to the person i was before only this time without the purpose... and I miss it a lot.
I miss what it felt like to be in love, and to believe that I would have a family, and to believe that I could contribute in a way that would be meaningful. I miss loving them, thinking about them, worrying about them, trying to communicate my best intentions. I realize again, how much I loved being in love, how I loved that part of me that I was learning about, that I was awed by, that I was thrilled could handle so much new stuff, and open so wide, to let in a mom and her two amazing children and just love them. Love them so much, be so excited to get to watch them grow up, to think about them.   I miss it.

It doesn't change anything. The relationship is not salvageable. I won't get to have that role with them. But I am aware how meaningful it was to me.

How do I get that without sacrificing who I am for it? How do I get that without ignoring red flags and all the signs that the other person doesn't love me back, not nearly enough to make things work...

Life felt so much more meaningful when I got to share it, that even the little things were amazing. I didn't need the world, just needed that. And I know it isn't true... but it felt true.
I don't remember the exact wording the last time I saw her, but I said something like "this isn't what I wanted..." and she said something like "I know, you'd been wanting it for a long time." And amongst all the other bullshit stuff we said to each other, it was one moment of reality. Sometimes, I feel like she did know me enough, and knew she couldn't love me the way I needed to be loved, so she pushed me as far away as possible.  It kind of sucks.
We are all just children wanting someone to help us integrate... and pushing them away for doing so.

311 - Flowing

I forget how much I relate to 311 stuff...  it's like I was shaped by it.

Rachel calls her shades "sunnies" like an Australian.
Just finished the Sourcepoint Therapy book, and gave up on The Buddha In Your Mirror after skimming through enough of it to get the gist. Next book is likely the Whole Brain Child, and finish a Good Time for the Truth, and then start Courtney's book and finished the ones shultz recommended.
Starting work next week, so I probably won't have as much time to read... also Altered Carbon season 2 came out and I love it. So... probably finish that this weekend.

I told myself to sit in this coffee shop and write all night. But already I have very little to say.

Neurofeedback the other day re-taught me that I am "uncomfortable" with feeling good. Is it a bad thing to feel happy? excited? apparently I have decided to live that way. I am interested how this type of therapy would impact friends and family. Is it cheating? To what degree would ringing a good singing bowl or playing the right music have the same effect? Repeating buddhist or hindu or sufi chants?  Illy says that I should microdose, and that when she is manic she gets frustrated with me for living into fear as much as I do. The neurofeedback therapist also told me I seemed really sensitive to frequency changes. Which was a nice sort of validation. I want to use myself as an experiment, or have her collect data, and also not have to pay for it...

"Nam-myoho-renge-kyo"
"Jyotir aham"
"ar rahman, ar rahim"
"Order, balance, harmony, flow"

I am considering making my apartment a meditation studio. I am hoping to join  meditation group through a local center, that is for mental health professionals.

I am curious as to the repeated sounds found in chants around the world. Maybe there are certain things that resonate at the right frequencies, or have more power than others. Maybe the intention is all that matters. Maybe recognizing the light, the blueprint, the source, the god, the universe, in its pure form and calling on it is enough. I never thought it mattered if you did it silently or out loud (G-d should hear you regardless), but now I am wondering if there is some magic to the voice.
Lately I pray for harmony, for balance, to recognize abundance and be gracious, to not live into fear but rather love, for all the loves and all those who continue to support them, or for whom they are thinking, for all those suffering.

I started taking CBD oil in small amounts, and I thin it makes me sleepy. I don't know that there are any other effects. It doesn't happen right away, but like an hour later I'm ready for a nap. Maybe on nights I can't sleep I can take a few drops. Maybe I just need my spine adjusted?  Maybe I need to see a ROLFer, or get my stomach balanced.

A few days ago I was questioning if there is some other thing I "should" be doing, and I am not really sure. I don't feel called to interrupt this pattern right now, if anything, I feel like I need to accept what is, and embrace the flow of life a bit. Continue to invest in my health. Pay my bills.  Just live into the next few years and trust that things will balance out. That I can invest, but can also stabilize a bit, and then from there, rather than being drained, I can seek out next steps. Timelines are weird.

There are all these people at this coffee shop who look like younger versions of people I have known. Makes me wonder how those folks are doing. Makes me wonder how we all have each others faces. Time doesn't exist sometimes.

How can I be a conduit for truth, light, love? How can I serve to help bring people into their own healing? How can I serve the world and not let it fall into darkness again?
There is some part of me that thinks we are all praying for this virus to wipe us out, end our state of feeling responsible and out of control... give us something to fear that is outside of ourselves, that is real, solid, and takes away our options.

The Nichiren buddhism book talks about the lower and higher states of consciousness that humans experience (often cycling throughout the day). I like the idea of these as states of existence rather than places or traits.

1) Hell
2) Hunger
3) Animality
4) Anger
5) Humanity (tranquility-neutrality)
6) Heaven (rapture, temporary happiness)

7) Learning
8) Realization
9) Bodhisattva (compassion)
10) Buddhahood

I am all over the place these days. One of the funny things about my relationship with M, was how often I was trying to consciously put myself in the higher state but felt pulled to the lower. To hunger, anger, animality, heaven.

A bunch of these youngins were writing "F" in comments to my instagram post, and I commented "Fail? Follow? Props?  you kids get off my lawn."   I am a funny...  also then I realize it could also be like funny?  or flame?   Kids these days, I am at least 8,000,000 years old.

This weekend:  I have therapy tomorrow, and church on Sunday. A couple of people have said they might be interested in getting together, but I am not even sure if I want to...  I need to check up on my rents -they both have had recent surgeries, and I feel like I should play the pious child before I get busy again with work. Work starts next monday. I need to fill out some online stuff and a bunch of paperwork before I begin, but basically next week is corporate training and the week after is real job training. Though I assume next week I will learn their computer system too. 

Jobs are weird. Life is weird. I would like to get back to just being myself and accepting how silly all of this is. 

I don't think i am gonna be able to keep this "writing for a few hours" jumble up. I could switch to book writing, but I don't really feel like Im gonna be able to invest the energy needed before moving on to the next thing.  There are some days I wonder if I stay here, will M have a supervision session with someone here. Sometimes I find myself delaying to see if I run into her. Its kind of stupid thing, I could call her up anytime if I actually wanted to say something. I am just as responsible for playing into the avoidance as she is. I guess that is why I go to coffee shops though, just an opportunity for kismet of some sort, randomly run into someone or meet someone new. There is possibility when you are out of the house that doesn't exist in your lonely den. Netflix, computer games, books, unused art supplies, amazon cheap and quick fixes, candy. The little low vibration things that get you through the days. 

Oh well. I better get out of here. My little race car rental car is making me wonder if I should be buying something different next time. Something with heated seats. 

What is this

Dear Mike, 
Presuming life continues this way, you'll not wow the world with deep insight, nor change anything dramatically for the better. The world will go on, as it has always gone on, perhaps inching closer to truth or to horror, but either way you'll exist for a time within it. And only a short while.  You'll have an impact on hundreds if not thousands, so what would you like it to be?  A smile, a compliment, a question to help them grow, a safe space?  People always remember things differently than you do, so don't try to control the message too tightly, they will take what they need, reinforce what they must, and heal where they can when they can. That is the best possible use and impact of a life. Don't let your ego tell you otherwise. Perhaps, you'll have children of your own, or perhaps you'll contribute to the lives of a hundreds of other people's children including your family members. Perhaps you'll get a kitten and some house plants and call it a day?  Enjoy the spaces and places that give you pleasure, make you long, inspire. Learn and teach the universe, its a give and take, a partnership that is ever shifting, don't mistake it for a linear progression or a one way transaction. Be a mirror, and laugh at the funhouse mirrors that show you aspects of yourself real or imagined. Fantasize and create. Perhaps you'll die crossing the street and some poem you scribbled will be acknowledged a hundred years from now, but you won't be around to know its impact. This is a truth, you'll fight and plead for it to be otherwise, but you don't have any control over it. You want to learn and grow, and you always will... but learning comes in multidimensional swirls and you will feel as if you're falling down as often as you're rising. This is a cosmic dance, and you are beholden to the cosmic vibrations, the drumbeat of the metronome particle, the rhythm and flow of the wave, coursing over you till it all feels the same! (and you become enlightened). You will have attachments pruned away, some you'll be ready for  - admire the color of those dead leaves falling, thank them for their vibrance, their offering to you, others will teach you what you didn't know you needed, boundaries, acceptance, the importance of good goodbyes, of forgiveness, of letting go and trusting the universe. Don't assume this is a lesson you will only learn once, this is the spirit molding you into your true form and it will happen for eternity, embrace the experience. Ask, or it will teach you to ask. There is only one. The microcosm and macrocosm are the same. You are a beautiful part of the whole. Give thanks for this. Give thanks for this. 

vibes, body, mind, ego, connection (different order)

There was a woman who had a similar look to M at the coffee shop and then later at Caravelle. Her face was quite different and she was a little more heavy set, but her movements were eye catching. Its funny how I have this trauma response when I think I see her. Its like a quick stomach and chest pain, that takes my breath away. Its too bad that this is what we have become. Dirty pain. Such low vibrations.

The Democrat debate last night and the world's issues seem so pressing, and so desperate. The icecaps will melt, the virus will kill us, the economy and the government will collapse (Shiva destroys that which binds us) ... but it feels like such low vibrations. Vishuddha Das says turn off the negative media, they are selling you a perspective, propaganda to warp your mind away from your higher self. 

Yesterday's pain is still there but so diminished that I am laughing at how it warped my thoughts and feelings. I slept in, and then woke up afraid I would be grumpy all day. I have neurofeedback this afternoon and I was worried I'd be even more off kilter than last time. The mind is so fragile, so pliable. Its like I can go from despair and being crushed, to being in total harmony within the span of minutes or hours. The source point book points to order, balance, harmony, and flow, as the key elements to realign. I have been trying to visualize them routinely, but there is something missing for me. I think I have a hard time visualizing the source accurately. The rest make sense, but almost more like aspirations rather than connection to the blueprint. Maybe I need more experience.

Coffee, sunshine and movement have helped. I started reading another buddhism book. I am kind of skimming these books at this point because they are all similar. All my studies point to something similar, so when I am reading I am looking for particular stories, poems, phrases, mantras, or actions that offer new insight. For the most part though, I am feeling like things are more in alignment. Maybe I shouldn't have had so much soy sauce for lunch... but I was feeling happy. 

Movement, is something that is more essential than I recognize. I wish I were more into yoga, or had the discipline for a body energy movement practice. I sat in my chair at spy house and let my body do what it wanted and it relaxed and opened. I breathed into the tightness, I released, I allowed the music to determine the flow. I felt good in body and mind. Then I ate lunch and went outside into the cold, and now I feel tight again, I can tell I need to do more of this movement. Move the blockage around. Maybe I am dying. Maybe I am becoming more me. I am very aware that my breath isn't very deep, that my back bends me over, that I am clenched and shallow. I need to work on that. 

Reading this buddhist book. I am reminded that my ego has been in total control for months. My aspirations, my drive, my desire, my goals, my hurts, my healing, me me me. I know that it is important to heal and that this time has been spent well, but yesterday was a good reminder that I am out of balance with the universe because I am only thinking of me. 
I could take all of those things, and remind myself how grateful I am to be in people's lives, to have them hold me, and to allow me to hold them. But the ego says me me me, and I am locked into suffering. I need to do some writing about this. About this realignment to being grateful for what is, to reconciling myself not to strive for greater ego/ambition, but to be more fully present, to enjoy existence. I am going to be doing work that allows me to be in touch with myself and others, to shape futures, to practice creativity and critical thinking. What could be better work? I am attending a white fragility book club and have the opportunity to explore with people of various ages and experiences, what could be better? I have friends and family who are secure, in good health and doing good things in the world, how can I not be grateful for these blessings?  Friends come and go, but most want to stay in my life and they seek me out when they come home. I am so blessed! And yet, I fall into my hell so easily. The mind, the heart, the ego - none of these are true... but as lenses boy do they distract -dictate perception. 
I am a soul, a buddha, a mirror for G-d, a particular manifestation of the source, nothing more or less than brilliant, and only my self distraction and illusion keeps me from recognizing this in every moment. 

The haunting

I just had this random reminder that the reason I left my job in 2014 was because I was 30 years old, and even though I loved my job and loved my coworkers, I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. My faith community of progressive types had fallen apart. The school was being forced to change. Many of my friends had left the state. I decided to go to south america and then central america. I had a wonderful time, and learned a lot about myself and the world. I came back, wrote for a year and decided to go to grad school. I now have a degree and I am a year away from becoming fully licensed as a social worker. I will be working at a small school/day treatment with similar goals for the students. A team of folks I will probably come to rely on and appreciate. I attend a faith community of progressive types. I still write. I still see many of the same folks I knew before the trip -old college and high school friends, old coworkers. A smattering of folks from grad school and social work. 
I had two relationships during the last 6 years, which is more by two than the previous 6 years before that. One of them I still play phone app games with, and check in with. I love her, but likely will never see her in person ever again. The other, I also love, but don't think I should ever try to see again, because it would be me doing all the work.  Plus she has kids who I care too much about, and how could I keep my heart from falling all over itself again? I am making only about $1,000 for each year since then (meaning if I got a raise of 1k each year). I live on my own now. I eat more healthily. I have more health issues. I think I complain just as much. Have I learned anything in 6 years?  I suppose. Has anything changed all that much? Not really. I think it is obvious that my life is missing a key element, and it is really the only thing I care about other than trying to continue to grow as a person. It makes total sense why I was willing to sacrifice just about anything for the ex, I've had all the rest and still wasn't happy. Life doesn't go anywhere when you are alone. The minor changes mean so little without anyone to share your successes and failures with. 
Just getting old.

Pain

I suck at dealing with physical pain.

The last few days I've had groin and then hip pain. Probably from walking too much, or sitting too much, but maybe cancer. Who knows. It takes all the energy and motivation from me.
I can't walk even a few feet without limping.

So... I was trying to plan my future life, but kept getting distracted by the pain/idea that maybe it doesn't even matter.  Depressive thoughts come up too quickly when I am like this.

The idea of cancer for instance. Who cares if I die? Again the timing is pretty good.
These are the types of thoughts I had before adding M to my life, so now it makes me feel like I am not doing a very good job of living.

Oh well.

A friend recommended CBD oil, so I bought a bottle. I just took some drops. Not sure how it will go with my stomach issues. It doesn't taste great. Will it resolve some of the pain? Will it resolve some of the mental issues?


Maybe I should just go back to bed.

Israel and Sebastian Joes

I just went to get sorbet by myself because I was feeling lonely. Sebastian Joes is down the street, I was hoping I'd walk in and it would be hoppin, and I could sit down and people watch or something. But it was just me. I ate half of each of my scoops and then went to the liquor store to buy sprite. 

When I walk that direction I pass by a fancy restaurant with big windows that I always stare in, and sometimes the people stare back. 

I am walking with a slight limp because I pulled something in my leg. It was feeling better again today and then i walked around isles, and half way through it began to hurt. Then I got home and felt kind of lightheaded like the pain had gotten to me worse than it had. I am not sure what's up with me today... and yesterday... and the day before. 

Maybe its the whole retrograde thing, or the moon, or having a job beginning. 

Some folks have pointed out that I might be grieving the loss of time on my own, but its pretty transparent what I am grieving. I miss being in a relationship. I miss loving someone and hoping they love me back. Its a weird sort of melancholy that just drowns out other things. I feel stuck again. I feel like crying and can't. I crave deepness, but don't want it with friends and family, I want to be chosen and choose someone to love. 

Its been hard because I was doing really well, then suddenly I got a job and I am back to feeling alone. I was doing a lot of spiritual stuff that made me feel connected, but I don't really right now. I guess that was always my definition of hell. I am less intrigued, less excited, just want to sleep, even though the sun is out and I "should be" happy. Maybe that's what it is, I feel like I should be happy, but I am not. 

Vic sent me a really nice text, that was probably the highlight of the day. 

I am apparently on parent-care duty this week, helping my parents recover from surgeries...

fragile white people

Before we broke up, M traumatized me into feeling bad about not being a good enough anti-racist. 
The difficulty is that I was going to her (my partner) to discuss a situation that had happened at work that wasn't sitting well with me, and my idea was that I would talk it through with her and then go back and do the real work of making change. 
But all she heard was "I didn't act (in the moment)"  and threw it in my face basically implying I was a coward and not good enough for her, rather than seeing it as a serious opportunity for change.
Thats her shit. I know that now. 

But I have and will continue to work on my shit:
Recently I joined this white fragility book club at my progressive social/racial justice church. But from the moment I walked in, I felt like they were making us too comfortable and not really jumping in. We have to get grounded in the rules, and the shared definitions, and the blah blah blah. Which means we have three meetings left (spaced out a month apart), to delve deeper. 

I took a moment to point out some commonalities and the inherent contradictions coming up in our attempts to discuss one aspect of being white and wanting to become anti-racist...which is that we are told not to burden people of color with our ignorance/naïveté/racism while also not ever being educated on how to grow out of that socialized behavior/world view -EG don't ask your black coworker to give you feedback because it puts the burden on them, however you are surrounded by other white people who don't have the answer either -leading to avoidance of the issue rather than understanding or discussion. I said its like growing up only knowing English, and asking someone else who also grew up knowing english to teach you about other languages that neither of you know.  A bunch of people responded trying to say that it was "good" to not "harm" people of color with our own ignorance, and I thought that went without saying, however, I was trying to point to the author's reflection that one aspect of white supremacy that reinforces itself is the good/bad binary, - so by trying to not be racist (don't ask the person of color), you are staying racist (because the white people don't know), and that even as we talk about it, the tone and word choices imply that a person is bad for not knowing or being wise to the water that we are swimming in...
apparently it went over their heads. 

I guess I was just frustrated with the idea that we were all there having sought out a book/discussion on white fragility, but we are still too fragile, and unwilling to think critically about it. I would basically say this is white liberal guilt about taking the wrong steps, and reinforces the same old power dynamic. 

Progress is a not measured in clarity of mind.

Spent the afternoon hanging with Vic. Talking through a bunch of shit, but not necessarily feeling cogent. We walked around the lake. We took in the sun. We ate at caravelle. 

It was a good day. 

Yesterday I got a job. Though I suppose I still haven’t signed a letter. Seems like I will start work in early March. 

I was excited. I felt more stable and grounded, and comfy. Then almost immediately I felt lonely, and lost, and not sure what the next steps of my life would be outside of this pillar. Part of it was that I told all the people who I thought might be interested, and then I went home and was by myself all night and all morning. Like… yay me! Oh ALL me.  

 I know, first we get the jobs, then we get the khakis… but there is some significance to the idea of moving into a new position in which I will be serving others, for who knows how long, and what will my life be besides that?  How will I get all the other things met?

The other reason is that my tarot lady said I would find out that molly was dating someone on Friday. I didn’t find that out. I think there are a lot of times where I hear the tarot/horoscope message and get grounded in it, and then assume the shoe will drop or whatever… but it doesn’t always. I am pretty sure she is dating someone, but I didn’t find that out yet, and maybe I never will. Ir maybe it will be today and not yesterday. I need to stop assuming everything is literal when some cards predict it. Could be talking about a million other people. 

But generally the cards, the horoscopes, etc have been pretty accurate lately. 

After accepting the job yesterday my fortune cookie told me I woud be successful in business. Signs from the universe?

Balance. 

Or rather, “order, balance, harmony, flow” as the Sourcepoint book would say. 

I didn’t go to the event today obviously. I will probably go home and read or play computer games. 

Tomorrow is white fragility book club and church.

Monday I run errands with my Dad. 

Tuesday?

Wednesday I have neurofeedback.

Thursday I get my car fixed. 

dreams, preparation, challenges

It's colder in my apartment than I want it to be. Supposed to be warm today, but its early still, and I am huddled around my computer, kind of wanting to crawl back into bed.

I woke up with a strange dream. But I will come back to that.

I went to bed in a fairly good place. I had done some meditation and some praying. I was trying to remind myself to be my true self, and that in doing so I can be a better vessel for G-d -that I can do the work I am meant to do. That maybe my ego isn't what's important here, and that if I am called to do challenging work, then I should go do the work because that is what I am meant to do.

More and more I am aware that there was some attachment to the position that is now being challenged, there was this idea that I would fall back into something that felt good, a place of confidence, a warm golden light. And maybe I will continue to have that at the new place, but suddenly I am off balance again, questioning whether I am being valued, and what does that say about the work I will be doing? Will I feel at a lack?

Surprisingly, I am responding with some outer confidence, normally these types of situations make me feel like I have to take what is given, but part of me wants to say something about it today. I don't think they had poor intentions, but maybe the air needs to be cleared.
Part of it though, is that it is triggering the same spot for me that I had with M. That idea of a promise, not fulfilled for lack of truly investing in me. Is that what I want in a job? Does a job like that exist?  If I take this one, does it mean I won't have the one that is abundant OR does it simply delay, does it mean I am not creating my abundance and making the most of opportunities. I don't know. But its hard to have the same set of feelings triggered when I am considering committing to something. Maybe what I am looking for just doesn't exist when you are working in this field. Front lines work, regardless of where the front is.
It seems my perspective has shifted again, but we shall see how the meeting goes today. Does it feel like a positive environment? What is the vibe?


This is all out of order, but there were basically 4 distinct interactions. (files, Jess V, Jodi, Grandma)

In the dream we were on a bus. I was surrounded by folks I knew, some more so than others. I can't remember who was sitting across from me, but they were an old friend, someone I would normally want to impress but also would feel comfortable being myself with. At different points I was paging through a portfolio of paper files (could be the book, could be curriculum), I was paging through it like it was important, but no one around me knew what was what, it was mine. At another point, Jess V was there. I don't really remember talking to her, but wanting her to approve and be present, acknowledge me, be on my side. And she was. There was also a video clip of Jodi and her daughter, and they were hilarious commercials in which she was super glamorous and singing a song or something. It was out of character, except not, because it was Jodi's energy. And the people around me who knew her (which made me feel good -that different worlds were actually the same) were all enjoying it with me. But suddenly she was talking directly to me, talking about when we would go on our date (we decided that we would go on a speed date with people, and that my mom would pay for both of us).  It was nice to be acknowledged amongst people who knew her, but didn't know the connection. Like a special wink. I was talking to someone on the bus, or rather, I was listening and asking questions, and giving them the attention they deserved. It was a serious thing, and I wanted to be fully present, but suddenly my Grandma was on the bus. And I stopped listening and hugged her. Turned my attention back towards the person, but then did it again. Three times, I stopped listening to hug her. And it felt far more warm and comforting, and secure than any time I ever hugged her in person. She had the presence of the love I have for my mom, but it was my Grandma instead. Each time, it was disturbing to me that I would turn away from this other person who mattered, to invest in my self, and each time it felt like I tuned them out completely to do so. By the end, they stopped talking, and asked -and I said that was my grandma sending love from my mom.

Associations:
The files -when I was looking at them felt like work, but it was something I was proud of, something I wanted to show off but didn't want to be shared, they were mine. It was my work. In the light of day, my first association is that this was my book, my second is that it was curriculum or materials gathered for working. Either thing is like that to me. Its a treasure that I want to share -but not necessarily share credit for, something that I personally feel proud of. The other person feels like Laurel in my head -someone who I would have exactly this type of relationship with. Who would absolutely appreciate the work, but would also know exactly how it feels to have it come from within.

Jess V. Someone who I have always admired, wanted their approval and attention. And who triggers that feeling in me that I am not good enough, not deserving, will be rejected. (karmic shit)

Jodi. Passion and excitement, joy, fun and positivity wrapped in the personhood of someone who is struggling more than they should be. If the world were a fair place, she'd be on top. But instead she struggles. In the dream though, she is seen for who she is, and getting all that she deserves.

Grandma/listening. I was never particularly close with my grandma. She was not a warm person even though she attended to us with warmth -it was an effort on everyones part. In this dream she did not present that way. She was not herself -she was more archetypal, the warm, affectionate, caring, robust, appreciative grandma, reaching out for a hug not words, not advice... sadly, the security is the part that resonates most with me. My Grandma's money (or that side of the family) is and has been my security the entirety of my adult life. I have taken jobs knowing that I didn't need the money as much as others because of her. I have no substantial debts because of her. When I consider the salary that they offered, the thing that reminds me it is ok is because of stocks and blah blah blah. My grandma reaching out to hug me with security and warmth, drowning out the voice of the person I am listening to (the therapy work)... and me being ok with it. What does that mean?





Its funny.

On one hand I could interpret all of this as...

Mike, stop trying to do the right thing, and do the things that bring you personal joy and pride. You have the security. You have the blessing. Do it.

Or

Mike, you are good at what you do, and you can continue to celebrate and be good at it, because you have the security. You are in a unique position to do good, be your whole self there, and you will be proud of the work.

Sticking and Bouncing

I've been back and forth all afternoon, thinking about this job. Trying to meditate and lean into my intuition. 
The truth is that I don't think its a very nice way to set someone up.

But I am also able to understand why things like this would make sense from there end, perhaps even consider it as a recognition that I could do well. 

There is an assumption I am making that the other program is less well established, and maybe struggling which I don't know to be true. But there is a feeling none the less, that it will be more challenging. 

And I am aware that some part of me wanted to feel comfortable. To fit in. To slide right into a made bed, and thank the heavens for a fit in the world, rather than jostle my way into one and be part of the transformation. Maybe I am reeling because I don't yet feel ready for the challenge. 
Maybe I am supposed to say no. 
Maybe I am supposed to jump on board and take up the new path, make it my own, carve my niche. Or maybe to take a few turns on the spinning wheel, and then dismount more gently into the next thing. 

I don't know. 

In the source point book they talk about the help of guardians. A brief meditation on the "golden egg" -the surrounding sphere of energy that you exist in/as. I have been feeling the familiar low vibrations of grief and insecurity, or being lied to/ taken advantage of, and I am unsure what is real and what is just my fear.

The world doesn't seem as hopeful as just hours ago. Nicola promises ascendence, is this that? or do I choose that by walking away?    I guess I find out tomorrow. 

Jobs

Just got offered the job, but there is a catch.  A different site, a different team, different supervisors. They need a guy therapist. Seems like about half the staff have been there for 1 year and the program has been open for 4 or 5.
The location is basically the same distance from me but in a different direction.
Would be making 45k (which is the minimum I would ask for at this point). Benefits seem fine. 3% match on a 401k. About 3 weeks of PTO, so could potentially take a week vacation.

Something about it feels a little less enticing and I don't know if that's because I haven't been there to consider the space -picture myself there, or if I am just feeling a little bait and switched.
Like, these are the kinds of things that make people less interested in jobs -corporate overlords shuffle  you depending on their need, pay you the minimum, and you end up moving on before there is a cohesive culture built. This is not the job I applied for, and not the space or team I interviewed.

If I think of it as a year or two, its fine, regardless.* But some part of me wanted to buy into a longer term path... I don't know if this is it because I haven't seen it. But maybe I am just projecting. I don't need the money in the same way others might. But I have already been offered 'potential things' that were higher. I would have most evenings and weekends open, and could take on clients or do workshops or volunteer or have a life if I wanted. But I want my day job to be something I am passionate about. A place that I feel excited to go to.

Some part of me wonders if there is some personal racism/classism involved here. Different area of town than I grew up in, unfamiliar with the building. Presumably different background for some of these kids. I enjoyed all the clients I had up in that area, but it often felt like the needs of the clients were very different. Anxiety and depression in the context of lacking basics, is very different than being flush and not knowing how to fit in. What would that mean for the client population and the kind of work I'd be doing with them? Potentially this is a great change, potentially not. I don't really know.

My Dad's old boss basically offered him a position in Rochester, and he was trying to get me to take it. I don't think I want a whole new life. If I wanted that, I would move out of state. You'd have to throw me a 100k to move to Rochester, and even then, it would only be for a year or two. Not worth it.

The pay is such a funny thing. I know that 45k is enough for me to live on. I know I am newish to the particular field, but I have been working with kids and teens basically since I was one. So what does 15 years of experience get ya?  A friend of mine recently told me she switched fields to computer programming and made $70k upon entering the field with no prior experience. 15 years experience gets me $15,000 less than she makes? Seems weird right?

A year or two until I am fully licensed. Then a whole new set of opportunities to prove myself. I have entered every job I have ever taken saying 1-2 years tops, and some lasted longer and were life changing and wonderful. Some weren't. Maybe this is a great opportunity. Maybe this is a year or two. I have no idea where I will be by this time next year. If I had predicted that a year ago, I would have been very wrong. This time next year, maybe I am headed off to Mongolia. Maybe I have died of the corona virus. Maybe I am engaged to be married and have triplets on the way. Maybe I am ready to start a private practice, go to the UU seminary, go on pilgrimage to Mecca, or take up baby sitting duties for my niece and nephew. Maybe I decide I want to be a writer and an artist, and never want to work with teens again. Maybe I am super satisfied and excited to start year two?

We never really know do we.

((((After a touch of emailing.  I am going to visit the location tomorrow. We shall see. Don't let desperation make decisions for you Mike.))))

Days go by

There is a democratic primary debate happening. I turned it off. I don't really care about politics right now, because generally I assume we will choose poorly, and I know the extent to which I will participate this time around is voting, and maybe posting something on facebook. And that's about it.


I was walking through the toy aisle at Target and though I thought of the kids, I didn't have the same pull it used to. It was this moment of realizing how much has changed since last fall. It felt good, and bad at the same time. Lately I have been feeling more distant, less argumentative, more grateful. Like "Thank god you broke up with me, because I would have thrown my life away trying to please you and failed forever."   but of course it isn't that simple is it. I have been wondering how I would respond if I saw her, would I want to run? would I think of her as a hurt child? would I want to fight? Would I want to compliment her and ask her for coffee? Would I want to say goodbye? My chest hurts still.  Maybe I will just whisper "Thankyou for stopping by."   https://youtu.be/cPG6nJRJeWQ 


The tarot reader and the horoscope and the fortune cookies, all keep proclaiming that I am about to have a golden time. That I will be set, and new experiences and opportunities that are in high vibration are all just around the corner. I had a good day. I have been having good days. But nothing major has changed logistically. I went for a long walk with Rachel through a nature reserve. Had Pho 79 with Katie. Has coffee with Angela. Will probably have dinner with Illy tomorrow. KT reached out again. People are asking and I am enjoying the time. Shultz and Courtney texting. All good vibrations. But I might need more structure than this to move forward in life.


Still waiting to hear back on the job. I don't know what I will do with out it. Still wondering if some recent new people in my life will stay part of my life, or whether they were just a blink.


I have been posting to instagram more, I guess I need more outside validation?  I think it keeps me feeling more productive and a touch more creative.


I spent the afternoon with Angela, we always have more than enough to talk about. Different backgrounds and experiences, very similar mindset and interests. We discussed therapy and relationships, and the field, and books.


I read a little of the source point book today, and I feel like I got it pretty quickly. If the world is full of energy, each lifeform (and maybe non living things also) have a "blueprint" of their ideal form. I didn't get too far into it, but began wondering if later chapters will talk about the impact of other blueprints influencing us, or whether health issues simply derive from not being in tune with our own blueprint. Either way, I feel like I will get it, will enjoy the book but see it as just another framework humans have imposed on the same old structures -so the question will be how is this lens helpful? How does it obscure?  How does it hinder?   For instance, natural death and disease could be blamed on a person for not being within their blueprint (and that seems wrong).


I read the first dozen poems of another book and thought it sounded a lot like someone had taken any number of the books I have on my shelf and just simplified them down to a handful of lines, then published it.  This is a pet peeve I am not always sure how to express. Quit rebranding something and calling it yours without giving credit to those who came before you.


I am basically reading 6 books and paging through a few more. The Lies of Locke Lamorra is the fun read at night. Divine Names is for prayer and meditation. White Fragility for the book club. The poetry book, the source point book, A Good Time for the Truth when I want something hard. A few books on chakras and energy healing. And maybe start the book Courtney recommended which came from amazon today.  Amazon is dangerous is what I am trying to say. I have something like 50-60 books to read and new ones keep getting added to the list.


Listening to lots of Jesca Hoop, Dessa and Anais Mitchell. The last few years its become all female musicians. Maybe something about hearing at this age.


My Dad is recovering from his surgery, but struggling with the imposition of having to stay still. He doesn't do well without moving. We played chess. He kicked my ass. I wondered if he was pulling punches. I should tell him about some of the stuff I am doing in therapy around my relationship with him. We could be adults about things.


"I learned my lesson the hard way once..."
I always thought that was a great opening line.


Can't think.  Light some incense. Chant some arabic. Fill up the humidifier. Brush my teeth. Read some fiction. Try to sleep. Roll over a million times. Dream all the weird things. Wake up hoping for a call. Watch some tarot videos with a fruit smoothie and some triscuits (which is a great combo btw). Do some laundry. Play comp games or read a book. Write? See illy? Life is simple. Days go by.

MIKE!!!!!

Queer spaces

I always feel a little less on edge in queer spaces. There is something about being in a place, where everyone is ok with you checking them out, and just adoring their cute face, appreciating their voice, their movement, their fashion sense, just saying or not saying, I like your freaky self, I am glad you exist.


That being said, I was wearing too many layers and quickly became embarrassed/sweaty/awkward when Vic was talking me up and her friend seemed too interested in reassuring me. It was lovely. It was also funny to have such a complete unknown, but obviously someone vouched for, someone who would enjoy this kind of event.


And the event.  You never know what you're walking into when it comes to queer performances, this one had laughs, tears, awkwardness, audience interaction, awe, grossed out... all the things really.

There were three performances that stood out.
The first was about grief. A woman read a reflection ending with an allusion to Lot's wife turning back and becoming a pillar of salt and comparing it to the salty sting of her own skin after the death of her mom. Grief is salty.  The dancers performed their grief in a variety of ways, but it didn't hit me until the man began pouring salt all over the deceased woman's body. At times it was tender, other times anger, such hurt. He began pouring a second canister of it, and offered another dancer a third, and suddenly the candles placed around her body were recognizable. They were not candles, but a dozen more cans of salt, the grief was enormous, it was unending, it came on in waves, in a million different feelings and movements. They seemed to have to physically remove it from themselves, and then return to put more salt on her.   It was beautiful.

Another performance was a mock tv show of a mating ritual between two bugs -the performers became wrestlers, became a sort of gross mating scene, and then the voice over came back and announced that the tv show had done its job and transformed the audience members in the same way the bugs had mated disgustingly and transformed on stage, suddenly audience members (including a girl next to me) stood up and began to dance violently, jerking in all sorts of ways and spit up blue goo.  One of the directors had to clarify that they were not aware of the audience participation and were totally taken off guard as they made announcements for the intermission.

The last performance was about a queer latina woman (played by two people) as she is struggling with her identity as a latina in the US (where as a child she first had to split herself into two people), and later as a gay woman. The performance literally had us all crying as the girl prepares to have her hair shaved off by her male friend. He tries to talk her out of it, but she asks him if he knows she is gay, he jokes that chicago turned her that way, but ultimately says he loves her regardless. She tells him about her abuse. And he is there for her. We are all crying our eyes out, and he jokes that it won't be the first time she had a bald head because when she was born her hair grew into a mohawk and her grandma shaved it off, but it grew back the same way, and suddenly we are all laughing as the two women hold each other and her guy best friend who loves her starts to shave her head (not really). One part of her gets up and completes the ritual and she sings to the audience in spanish. ---my spanish is not great, but I think she is singing about how in loving herself she is able to go away (meaning go back to being one person). It was just a beautiful performance throughout, and honestly being with Vic and considering the kinds of things people have to do to integrate or detach themselves is just a powerful thing that doesn't really get discussed in white/hetero circles.



It's really meaningful to be exposed to things. Today I went to an indigenous march, tonight I went to a queer POC performance. As a white dude, I often feel like I am supposed to know and be responsible for everything... but I can't even guess without people being willing to teach me.
Makes me really grateful to the folks who have been so vulnerable with my stupid ass over the years.

India (abundance)

I had this dream, it was kind of funny. 

So in the dream I really need to make this train (which doesn't make sense). It is a train to India I guess, and I am supposed to be going on a trip with a group of people. But I made a pitstop home to repack my bags. I am going through my bags (I have 4 small ones), and I am trying to decide what is unnecessary so that I can move forward less burdened. I am aware that time is running out, that I really need to go, but it is taking me a lot of time. I can't figure out what is important, and what is just for kicks, and I know that I will be able to buy anything I need there, but I am also struggling to let go (hints?). People are standing around and some are pressuring me to hurry up, but there are little toys and things that I keep thinking I might need in order to entertain the group. I don't know what to keep, what to share, what to assume will be there in the future.

Eventually I realize I only have 20 minutes till the train leaves, and I know that isn't even enough time to get to the station. I have delayed. I have failed. 
My mom is there, and rather than scolding me, or reassuring me, she just says, maybe you didn't actually want to go?  (or something like that). 

I am considering this, when I wake up. I am still groggy, still in the dream, I am distinctly aware of looking at my bags, now packed... and realizing that I am already in India. That the train leaving the station didn't actually mean anything. I could catch up later if I wanted to. I could move forward and live without the group. I already have what I need. There is nothing to worry about, stop being scared. Life is abundant and it is only your perceptions holding you back.


****As a side note, my perception of India when I was there and since, has always been that it is abundant and thriving in a way that western (mike's) can't truly understand. That you could spend life times there and that it would still be awe inducing.

I don't really know what I want to write yet. The day has been pretty good. Mostly chill, nothing going on. I have some slight anxiety about tomorrow (protest and performance with Vic). The weekend promises to be busy (therapy, a movie w/ Illy?, church parents, niece and nephew?). I finished the first book of the Expanse, and a few more chapters of the Tara Brach book. Not sure what to read next, but my White Fragility club will start soon, so maybe that. Watched some YOU last night and played some computer games. I think I have been lonely, and yet I am not necessarily wanting to reach out to a million folks. I have been chatting more with people who are far away than those nearby. Comfortable in my isolation?

I guess that processing yesterday really opened me up. I feel so much more hopeful and excited about the future, about possibilities. I am still tempted to fall back into old patterns, but I am also thinking about good futures that aren't filled with conflict and drama. That seem promising in a way that is rewarding for my spirit. I noticed last night that I didn't want to go to sleep at 7:30 pm and that felt like a good sign that maybe life was on the up and up. It kind of surprised me to realize how often I have felt like giving up the day early lately. 

I keep reading the energy worker's blog. Her way of seeing the world is so similar to mine. I read a few posts at a time and then feel inspired. I like that she is human, positive oriented, but aware that she is keeping herself from sinking. If I had met her instead of M, would have been a very different experience of dating an adoptee. I guess, this woman's writing is more similar to how I wish M could have been reflective and honest with herself. I can't say that I am regretful of the past few years, I am actually feeling very grateful for the gifts, and looking forward to the next cycle, because this one is complete, and I think I have learned the lesson (or at least got the taste I needed, to learn it again in a more meaningful way next time). Karma is a fun one. 

But I am still in a holding pattern. Waiting for the next job. Next partner. Next opportunity.
I was thinking that I might need to add something soon. My book club is going to be on Sundays. I don't really have anything on the weeknights, or at least nothing of a routine. 

Maybe I will start going to a meditation group, or join a gym or something. I was supposed to do a community ed class with Vic, but I forgot to sign us up on time. I should probably buy 25 lbs of clay and just show up at her house with some tools.  Today I saw two people watercoloring at this coffeeshop and I was quite envious. I am pretty sure they were a couple. I would love a partner that just wanted to sit with me, and watercolor. Or a partner that wanted to sit and write a song with me. Or for that matter a partner that wanted to write with me. Something creative, something inspiring. We could go back and forth editing, and adding, and loving. 

I wish I felt more inspired to write my book during this time of waiting. There are plenty of nights where I am thinking about it for hours, adding little things to the chapters, fleshing out the story. The daydreaming is a necessary part of the process (I did that for two years before I even started writing) but so is sitting down and typing, at least editing, and adding details.  I still haven't really figured out my process, but I know it takes multiple revisions for me to be satisfied with a chapter. So its like writing a chapter 3-5 times, and a book where there are something like 50-60 x 4 chapters... I need help staying on track. Someone to be excited when I am not feeling it. There is also this realization that not every paragraph is going to be exceptional. That at times the story needs to move without getting bogged down in the writing, but I don't know when those moments are. Sometimes when I read a scene I have read a millions times already -once the newness has worn off, I am super dissatisfied, feeling as if maybe I skipped over the heart of the scene just to get it on the page. I hate that. But would the reader even notice? I mean they didn't read it a million times. There are plenty of books that I have loved that have parts that drag. It's ok to drag a little - I guess I just hope that those details become important later. 

Today is another day when I don't know what I am doing later. No plans to see anyone. Probably need to get groceries. But other than that. Maybe its netflix and computer games. Seems like a waste of time. I get frustrated because I really like being home, but it is basically a certifiable truth that nothing new will occur if I am at home. I mean, I will be me, and do all the me things. But I won't be impacted by the outside world... so if I go home I have to resign myself to no exciting possibilities that night. Soon enough though, I will be working my ass off again. Better be grateful for this time off.  


What could I do tonight? 

Dissipate

I dedicate this to you,

            but first, 

                        fire

            -scorch the earth collected 

            blow out the flame, 

                  watch,     inhale,   let go

the whispers reach heavenward,       

the scent broadens through the space,

-and with it,

the taste of

            the first painful bite

            an outline traced

            as plumes of smoke

            recreate your face

a memory, 

            twirls, salutes

                    twists into nothingness

                                                let go

snakes across my collar bone, 

            knotting into my chest, 

branching across the bridge of my nose

to aggravate my eyelashes

                                                let go

cascades, 

            diving, colliding this;

                        sorrow swirls,

            taut and flaring,

                        a maelstrom uprooting

                                                let go

                        watch them narrow, eddy

            watch them divide,

forked fingers,            fearful

            bent knuckles, twisting,

                        tapping the vaporous

            scratching 

                        until dissolution 

                  watch,     inhale,   let go.

PS

PS on that last post,

Left between protecting my concept of you, and my concept of myself, I throw myself out the window to protect my heart (and concept of you). 

How many times have I expressed that in a million ways.

And still... even though it causes me to act out, to hurt, to hate, to be bitter, I keep doing it.

Some part of me has tied this idea to the larger self... its a values thing. 

I am only forgivable for my actions, if I can forgive you, believe in you, love you. 

Is this a christian thing? (my child version of christianity was extremely black and white)

Is this an empath, middle child, child of divorce, caretaker thing?

I am an optimistic cynic. I will acknowledge my hatred and pain, but I will always fight my own anger and bitterness to protect this underlying value, otherwise I don't really see any point in living. 

If there isn't hope that people can change and be their true selves, then what is the point?

crying... And something else

The last few days I have had headaches, stomach aches, the energy depleted. It's been ugly, cold and wintery. Even when the sun has been out, it's felt lacking. I thought I had a migraine. But ultimately I just felt disconnected from my self and the world, the sensory all tremendously irritating. I felt like I needed to cry, but couldn't. It kept getting stuck. Today I did some meditation, but it wasn't very conscious, I didn't have the brain power for making it conscious, so I just sat with it, and suddenly began to cry. And it felt good. Embarrassing to use a half dozen napkins at this coffee shop but ultimately good.

I have been watching YOU, because Shultz (sad this isn't her name anymore...) recommended it, and as I texted her at 12:30 am (1:30 am her time) I find it to be "obnoxiously relatable." Not the killing part. But the rest. The human mind is funny.

"This belongs"
((Radical Compassion by Tara Brach))
Part of the book I am reading and using to meditate, asks the person to seek out the feeling (get out of the thoughts) and then attend to the feeling, saying things like "this belongs" so that you aren't judging yourself and distracting from the healing. Typical mix of buddhism, body work and western psychology. The type of shit I read all the time. But it's important to make a practice of it... and so I did and began to cry, "this belongs," and suddenly so much more capacity to feel.


My intentions were good. They were loving. They were oriented in trying to meet a need I saw in you, and one in me. I heard your heart song, and knew it, and knew you knew mine. "...oh..." that subtle attunement that suddenly feels like a hammer blow. I had hoped by attending to yours, you'd have the capacity to attend to mine. Maybe it doesn't work that way. Maybe, the secret is that we all have to attend to our own, remind ourselves we are lovable, belong, have a place, are worthy, are acceptable in our full selves.  I couldn't be what you NEEDED me to be, and you couldn't be what I NEEDED you to be. The desperation was palpable. I saw the little ways you were holding yourself back and judged. You saw mine. We rejected each other and by doing so, ourselves. We pulled back. Acted out. The cycle repeats. This is karmic attachment after all. 
Underneath though, or rather, more directly on the surface of life, I fell in love, experienced more than I have in a long time, found places of myself I hadn't known, depths I'd not encountered, shallows I'd been afraid to admit. I spent so much time just loving the feeling of your presence that the world felt bitter without it. I watched myself bypass my own boundaries, talk myself off the ledge of safety and fear, choose the flame of life, get burned, and all in the desire for growth, for healing, or maybe just for the longed for feeling of comfort. It was real, but I let it become the only reality, compromise the rest of me for it, addictive. And then it was gone. And I have been fiending ever since. 

What was it I wanted and could not express?  Oh isn't that the melody?
Love me, accept me, understand me without me having to ask, wrap me up in your hugs, cherish my accomplishments and my mistakes, challenge me to grow by seeing the next step, offer the boost, so that I don't have to be afraid anymore, don't have to second guess my every move, word, thought. Assure me I am not wrong for my desires, and that you trust my choices, and can forgive me easily when I stumble. See me for my whole self, encourage me to expand, to express, to speak through the megaphone again and again. To dance. To laugh. To leap across the gaps and discomforts. Hold my hand when I am in it. Pull me back when I am lost. Inspire me to move forward. Not just the good stuff either, see me for my wrongs and hold me accountable with loving embrace. Love me fully. Be present with me, and by doing so, allow me to open up and be... to just be everything I am. 

Voiceless. We were both left voiceless, acting out, wishing the other would attend to us, fulfill us, inspire us, know us so completely and meet our needs without us having to ask. 


And when I did ask? Defensiveness. Rejection. Projection. 
I need to remind myself it's projection, a defense mechanism, not a judgment. Throwing it back in my face. Treating me the exact way you've been feeling, ashamed, alone, guilty, too hurt to open up. Leave me with the feeling of abandonment. Blame me for stonewalling, because the truth is that as much as I was talking, I still wasn't meeting your need, so it didn't matter. Accuse me of using you. Because you wanted me to be enough, but I couldn't be, so it felt like you were using me. I wasn't enough to fill the hole, so you were reminded just how big the hole was, and rather than face it, blame me for not trying hard enough... just like you feel all the time. Not enough. Not acceptable. Not understood. Not loved. Not comforted. Not connected. Not enough. 

What does that little one need? Inside you're afraid it won't come. And it's true, it always has been, it must always be... So then why try? Reject them all before they reject you. They'll never understand. Never be what you need them to be.

This is what I understood to be true about you, and about me. But no matter what I did to try to connect and show you, and no matter what you did to try to connect and show me, it wasn't enough to assure either of us. 
Our song is a lonely song. I know it is shared by all of humanity, but our desperation... ohhh. 

and it's ok. It's real. It is as it is. It's just....



I was talking about my dad, and my Therapist stopped me, he said what is that "...oh..." asked me to write about the feeling that is the most. 

STOP in the moment, that moment that it hits you, that you need the other person to reassure, but they are unavailable. So you stop breathing, try to disarm the reflex to tighten, to hide, to shrink, try to swallow all your hopes with the sticky saliva, and extend your heart to them instead. Your stomach is knotted, your heart is aching, your voice caught in your throat, but you force through it, try to reassure them its ok that they are disappointing you, even disemboweling you - though they haven't guessed it yet. You know you would feel guilty, so you assuage their guilt preemptively, try to assure them they are still worthy of your love, and why? 
Because the "...oh" is the moment before heartbreak, a half second to save yourself, armor up, before you collapse. It's a half second before the impending doom, a recognition so real, that there isn't a choice. It's not rejection though it feels like it is, its not abandonment though it feels like it is, its the recognition that the other person will not choose you, no matter how easy you make it, maybe they can't (but of course you can't reconcile that in the moment). All you know is that you're not enough to be attended to, so take all the remaining energy you have and give it to them. It's a different type of projection, the same defense mechanism to avoid heartbreak, only disguised as caring. And you tell yourself its just this one time... but it becomes every time (or it feels that way). It becomes a pattern, of stopping the moment at the "oh" and instead of feeling the pain, turning it around and saying "You must be hurting quite a lot to do that to me, so let me extend my love back, even as it tears me into two, because you are worthy, and I need you to recognize that so that you'll assure me I am..." 

Disguised as caring, because there isn't enough left. Not really. I can't hold on to who I thought I was, and who I thought you were, so I'd rather pretend (this is a child's defense mechanism after all). Pretend like I am good and lovable by giving to you, reminding you of who I believe you are(assuming you must need the reminder), so that I don't have to feel what must be true if...

because the moment is deafening. Steals all the magic from the space. No longer a universe of infinite abundance, the bomb has gone off, there is no safety left, and it has sucked all the oxygen away and left me dizzy struggling to stand in place. There is only fear. Scarcity. Limits. Starvation. Here, you have it. The fact that you didn't offer it to me must mean I don't deserve it as much. Let my eyes and silenced voice ask the question, am I at least deserving of your crumbs?

Living and creating without an audience

...is difficult.

I was always impressed with M's ability to tell a story, to make even the mundane interactions into something worth hearing. I envied that ability, and didn't share my own stories.  I am reading a blog by the energy worker lady, she is discussing her process of creating or rather reflecting -a sort of documentation of the self -during the writing process. I had a blog like that for a while.

I have a desire to be good at something. My confidence isn't very high right now. I wish I had an audience to impress, but I fear I would let them down, as I have let myself down.

I really want to write a poem about being a rebound, giving some substance to the impact of it. I am struggling because the reality is a thing falling, cracking apart and revealing less substance than was previously believed, a sinkhole that devours and not much more. So the poem is a lament. An ode to a thing that was not. A blueprint never truly constructed. A construction site... is it worth excavating?
And yet, I dwell.  I dwell on no one acknowledging it. I dwell on the lack of audience. This was a period of my life, and the only proof I have is an ache. I used to worry that something would happen to her and I would show up at the funeral a mess, and no one would know (so many signs that something was off). I want to make it a story. Something complete. Something that compels, something that makes sense and names the wound. Something that causes the audience to say, I see now, there was something there, and it fell away without warning, so you aren't sure in your steps anymore...

It was nice to have the aura reader ask if someone had pulled away suddenly.
It was nice to have my parents say that they saw it was genuine (if temporary).

Idols and relationships

Struggled to sleep. Sometimes I think it has to do with the weather, maybe the full moon. Who knows. I had a million interesting dreams and wanted to stay part of them, but woke up in time for church.
In the shower I was arguing with her about love, painting her further and further into something she is not. This is my own way of trying to argue myself into boundaries and asserting my feelings, it likely has nothing to do with who she is. I want to send her a birthday text in a month, wishing her well. I want it to be real, genuine, and not a snide remark. I want to celebrate her, and also myself.
At church I realized I'd been harboring this grudge and that it wasn't what I really wanted, it was a distraction. I relaxed into the pew, but felt aches in my neck, shoulders and chest.
I want something genuine, something true, and I let myself be distracted by this relationship. The self deception and desire forced me into a corner. I continued to try to be what she needed, hiding my truth. It was a distraction, a drama, a karmic showdown, and it wasn't what either of us needed.
And then the preacher talked about idols, and I realized how easy it is to turn a relationship or a person into an idol. To want to constrict and control, to limit our self, and the other person, rather than be curious and open to the universe. It is easy to see how quickly something can go off kilter, one small deception, one small grievance, suddenly the world falls down all around us, and we point fingers and blame ourself or the other person. Both of us were caught up in an idol. Afraid of the truth because it was too big to comprehend.

And yet, all day I have been stunned by beautiful (attractive) people. I am so easily swayed to those limiting forms. So shallow, so awed by the impermanent. Three of four people smiled at me today, and any one of them could take me for the next spin down the wrong strand of karma. And I'd enjoy it immensely. Falling in love is a beautiful idol, G-d's image, breath, creation, but a finite piece is not G-d.

Sunshine, Energy, Bodies, Loneliness

Sunshine:
It was gray today, but for the last week its been sunny most days and the change in energy, motivation and feeling is absurd. It's hard to explain how big of a difference it makes. I've felt up for going for walks, seeing people, exploring. I've been singing and dancing and enjoying life, and then when the sun sets, I want to retreat into the covers of my bed.
It had been over a week before the sun shone, and I was getting nearly as dismal as the sky. The sun came out and I crawled up the water spout. 


Energy Healing (She would say she isn't the healer, but that she helps guide the source):
I went and saw an energy healer last week. Ever since my aura reader person I have been wanting to do this, and I saw it advertised and looked the lady up and decided in a split second to go. She asked why I chose her, and I mentioned her name sounded like an actress, but there was something else too. I am pretty sure she is a Korean adoptee, and there was something about the transference that made me want to go to her specifically. They don't look alike at all. Personality wise, she couldn't have been farther, but if I looked out of the corner of my eye at the right angle, with my glasses off, it felt like M was giving me back some of the energy she drained me of... and that was a weird helpful thing. The experience made me feel light headed, and goofy. I stumbled out of there with a grin on my face. Later I felt a little off, but the next few days, with the sunshine... I just felt more whole. More myself.  The actual experience was similar to reiki, but not reiki. The lady was really good at explaining with just enough detail, but not too much. She was reassuring and her voice reminded me of Lune Innate from youtube, word choice, phrasing, maybe all energy healers sound like that. I was really happy with the experience. At times I felt like I got a little more in touch with the larger picture of myself and my memories. That things were not good/bad, pain & anger or nostalgia and clinging... they just were what they were. And it was true I loved. And it is true I hurt. And none of this will keep me from a future that's better for me.


Bodies:
In the shower this morning, I realized I have had a mark on my leg for months. I thought it was a cut that I didn't noticed, that scabbed over and would heal. Its in the area where I got burned. I worried that maybe I have had skin cancer and didn't pay attention. I don't know. Could just be a scar that I shouldn't worry about. 

I went to an Embodied Antiracist Culture community workshop today, a space where white people deal with what it means to be white and antiracist, knowing that their bodies are capable of hurting people, but hoping to do the right thing too. Knowing it takes healing, and practice, and community. It was honestly a great experience and made me very comfortable with acknowledging that there are spaces in my body/history where I have been uncomfortable and will continue to be, and that is good. I processed an experience I had at work that lead to the fight, that M blamed on our breaking up.  She was so triggered and so intent on using it to make her point that she never even followed up... but I did, I will continue to, because regardless of her, this is one of the things that makes me me. 
I wish I could go to the group every month, but it will be during work hours. It will also be at M's work from now on, which is weird. I texted shultz one day to ask what the ethics around that were, and whether I should give her a heads up or just stroll in because its a public space. The politics of an unhealthy relationship. It didn't have to be this way. I didn't make it this way, even though I keep worrying I did. This was not my plan or choice. 

My Dad had surgery on his shoulder. They realized it was worse off than they expected, and did a bit of reconstruction. The recovery will be longer. There may need to be more surgeries. My Dad is on pain pills and slightly more irritable. He is worried they fucked him up more than he would like to be, worried that he won't get his mobility back, worried that it will lead down hill.  I am too. I have to "babysit" him on monday and tuesday, which doesn't mean much. Watch a movie or two. His hearing has deteriorated so much that it is difficult to talk with him sometimes. I really worry more about that than his arm, but he prides himself on being able to work/being active. Our egos are so fragile. 

Loneliness:
I keep seeing beautiful (mostly younger) folks at the coffee shops. I crave attention, possibility, someone who desires me. There are 8 billion people out there and I am wondering why I don't have anyone who wants to hold me at night. Today at the workshop, a person stopped me on the way out to introduce themselves. I should have taken that as a sign, that they kept talking even as I was bundled up and moving away. But I wasn't interested. As easy as swiping left. I was on my way out and already on to the next thing in my head. I was polite to her, but I don't remember her name and probably won't remember her face if I ever make it back there. I don't think I am even ready for a relationship, what would that be like for the person? Hey I was in love with my ex, probably still am, she went silent on me which drove me more crazy, now I am way more insecure than I was when I met her... how are you? How can I prove that I am lovable? How can I do that without care taking you until you throw me out an airlock?

I am hoping that I get a call about having a new job next week. Otherwise, I don't know. 
I have the money to stay unemployed. To travel. To make mistakes. But I want a career that is meaningful and supports me. I don't have the partner or kids to ground me. I don't have enough friends who can pressure me into doing myself good. I have to do it by myself, or maybe I might float away. Do something ridiculous. 

Session 1 of Neurofeedback: Rollercoaster

I want to write about the last few days, but before I get, I really want to document my first experience with neurofeedback:

So today I got lots of sleep, felt really good. Chatted with Courtney this morning, and generally felt confident and happy. I was laughing at things. The sun was out. I didn't eat that much, but didn't care.

Before the session I drank some coffee (might have been a bad choice?)

When I got there I was still feeling good. Started feeling a little nervous when we were scaling things, then felt my normal anxiety/embarrassment when she asked me to choose something on netflix or youtube and I couldn't decide. This was the normal level I would experience, and after picking Parks and Rec, I calmed down just fine.
I am going to amplify some of the word choices here to express the feeling of it, even though it was much more subtle when I was actually experiencing it, yet afterwards I was really creeped out and needed to put words to the experience (thus amplifying to really understand). This experience felt kind of similar to taking drugs. For someone like myself that is so used to being able to recognize, name and process feelings, it was completely unsettling.

The show began and I felt enthused, laughed a lot, felt like I should be multitasking a bit more, and started to watch and think about related things. I was intrigued by the process and wanted to know how it was working. It felt really good, and then suddenly I noticed feeling less enthused, less energized and a little bit uncomfortable in my stomach. This came on slowly enough that when she started asking me questions, and I couldn't think clearly, I didn't know what to say. Suddenly I realized my body felt weighted down internally, as if I was completely lacking energy, I wasn't excited or motivated, I could barely form words or pay attention to anything. Multitasking felt impossible at this moment, the show, her voice, the room, my body, there wasn't enough energy to deal with all of it. I would say an amplification of this was almost like being catatonic, and it had occurred so without my awareness that I felt I must be tricking myself into it. I had thoughts like "I'm fooling myself." "I feel crazy." "I feel stupid"  as this continued, I feel like the closest feeling for what I was experiencing was shame. She asked if I felt nauseous and I said yes, and then felt a little better because I truly wondered if I was just being stupid.
This feeling of nausea and weighted down internally gradually shifted into feeling low energy, but weighted both internally and externally (like a weighted blanket mixed with a heavy uncomfortable meal, thoughts were there, but only in short spurts, and though i could watch the show, it wasn't as funny, and everything was making me sad. I realized this felt different than a few minutes before, it felt like grief, like that moment when you are about to cry and don't even know why, or have any ability to stop yourself, or maybe don't want to.

After a few minutes of this, I felt tension in my stomach, but it wasn't the same nausea. It was more like having an ache. I could think clearly again, and didn't feel like crying but I was unsettled.

A little while later (I may get the order of this mixed up) I started to feel a range of nervousness anxiety excitement fear, this began with a little nervousness in my stomach, then in my diaphragm, then later in my chest, I would say at times it felt like the nervousness of stage fright, while at other times anxiety/emotional dysregulation, and other times like adrenaline, or even fear, at a certain point I had the thought "if this continues I will have a panic attack" and kind of found it intriguing. At one point, I recognized my right palm was sweating a lot. This period was such a subtle range that it is hard to describe thoughts or feelings. I was able to concentrate and laugh again at the show. I did not feel agitation or anger externally, but did feel it in my limbs, stomach, and chest, at different times. I also started to have to pee really bad. I did feel annoyed that she kept asking about the tension/ and my headache which had come on suddenly at some point and stayed but ranged in degree, it was almost entirely centered in the back of my head on the right, and through my neck and shoulder. It was not strong enough that it bothered me, but being continually reminded of it made me a little annoyed, when my attention was much more fixated on the rest of my body.
-at a certain point during this phase, I started feeling fine again, and she stopped it to adjust one of the sensors, and the moment she stopped it I had a spike of anxiety that ran through my whole body, and made feel really uncomfortable, plus more racing thoughts than I'd been experiencing all day. When it started again, I don't think that remained very long but I have forgotten the order. It was after the adjustment that I realized my left palm was sweating a lot and my right no longer was.

Near the end I started to feel more like I had at the beginning, only much less settled. At this point my stomach was still sort of nervous, and I felt like my legs NEEDED to be on the ground. Like I did not have control over this, and every moment that they were not on the ground I was losing focus (very similar to when I need to wash my hands). The closest I can describe to the last part of this is the end of a roller coaster when you are pulling in and know that it is done, but you're still feeling the adrenaline. My mind, body and emotions felt fine again except I felt creeped out. I felt a very strong need to be grounded, and was put off by the lack of control I had.
She briefly reminded me this was all normal and ok.

I went to the bathroom and felt a little better but on the ride home, I felt really unsettled still. One of the thoughts that was going through my head was that I shouldn't go on days when I am already feeling good, because I will leave feeling worse. I took a shower and felt much more calm. Decided to eat a salad, but after eating I was suddenly nauseous again. Ate some chocolate, felt a little better. Then went and walked around the lake (and tried to think through the experience). I really wanted to talk through it more, and also I have been craving sweets since being there.

Its unfortunate that I can't remember the order of the nervous/anxious part better. I had the distinct feeling of it being in my stomach, diaphragm and chest, and that they felt very different from each other, but that my body responded similarly like my limbs, or different parts of my limbs felt activated, and the headache stayed similar.

It really makes me want to learn more about the frequencies and compare to chakras and emotion/thought processes, because it felt soooooo out of my personal control.