everything and nothing

Changes


Its been over a month I think, what is new?

I used to write on Christmas eve, that was back when I had grandparents to visit.  I haven't been writing much lately (as you may have noticed). I have been drawing a little, painting a little. Reading A LOT!  I have 2 books on Sufism, and a poetry book of collective works of Rumi, I have another poetry book I started but haven't finished and I am also in the middle of two books on South America (one a guide book, the other a history). I just picked up some good looking graphic novels and a book on Judaism. I just read Jared's copy of Anthem by Ayn Rand, which I enjoyed though I don't know that I believe in her philosophy, certainly given the circumstance in the book an anthem to ego makes sense, but this is a far more complicated world than the one she was writing about. I wanted to read it because this girl on OKCupid had it listed as a favorite, and I am trying to figure out whether she is someone to invest some energy into.  Its funny how once you start seeing one possibility more sprout up. I spend years at a time seeing nothing, and then see life everywhere.

I am trying to simplify my life right now so I can complicate it later. Maybe with a south america trip, maybe with a relationship, maybe with a crash a fall from grace.

I am not at all sure what any of this means, but I am fairly comfortable and happy and optimistic.
Opportunities are abundant, maybe I will take a Spanish class at MCTC or something.

I have no idea how invested I am in SoT right now, doesn't feel like much.
School is different, I think I am very open and very invested but I have no idea how to get what I want to happen.

I guess more when I have something to say.

Mike has lost his voice

I could feel it coming on last week, so I tried to conserve my voice all weekend, but people of course wondered if there was something wrong... then yesterday we were playing a long loud board game and I just plain used it up.
I couldn't talk at all today. I could whisper a little, but of course that is bad for your vocal chords as well...
So I am mute, gesturing and writing and its annoying.
Its also, I think a sort of blessing to be silent, to not be expected to talk, to not always be able to respond with all the things you are thinking.
Its also, somewhat aggravating, to be full of thoughts with out means to communicate. I find I am less social, less desirous of activity... but maybe I am just sick. Maybe this was my body's way of saying shut up and rest.
This last weekend was the SoT retreat. First annual maybe?  We went to a beautiful retreat center near Red Wing and spent the day doing nothing. The place has labyrinths you can walk, lots of nature trails (of course it is hunting season, so you must wear bright fucking orange). Some nice meditation rooms, and pretty much nothing else. We brought games, but didn't play any. Meals and songs, campfires and lots of coffee and cider, a few inspirational moments, a few shared stories.  Mostly fun except maybe the sleeping arrangements (Mike and several others snore loudly and the beds sucked). Good times, nice to have no expectations.

The sound on my computer is officially broken. I will probably have to send my computer in to have it fixed. Its gonna suck. I have no voice to call anyone at tech services anyway. Thanksgiving is going to be LONGGGGGGG if I can't even communicate.  Maybe I will take a nap while others are sitting around.

A dream

I don’t really remember the beginning, I know it was short, I was standing, the room seemed to have lots of people in it. Someone about 15 feet away from me was holding a baby. The baby was sort of glowing in that “I am the center of attention in this room” sort of way. That person was holding the baby and showing it off, I stayed still. I am apprehensive around babies and small children to say the least.  The baby seemed to grow older as the dream progressed but not in a way that seemed weird, when it was in the persons arms it was clearly under a year, but when they set the child down on the floor it looked like it was maybe a one year old, then it saw me, its eyes lit up and it smiled, (at this point it seemed older, maybe one and a half). but it was still crawling, and it screamed in a sort of joyous baby talk way "Mikey" and started crawling toward me. I felt like my body moved without conscious effort, I swept in and picked up the child, comforted the child like I had done it a thousand times. It melted into me in a sort of loving way, like it had found home. Consciously I know I felt awkward, like I would always feel awkward but it felt right. 

I woke up, happy. Happy in a way I have never felt before.  
When I thought about this dream throughout the day I longed for that moment, it almost makes me cry to think about. I don't know what that means. Somewhere in me, I knew this child was something I cherished, I don't know if it was mine or not, but I loved it and it loved me. 
I didn't feel comfortable, I didn't feel like I trusted myself, but I trusted the baby. The baby saw something good in me, and the good in me wanted to respond to her with every ounce of positivity and love I could give.  

I was starting to give up on the sperm donation thing.  I don't know that this dream is actually about that, maybe one of yall is preggers (let me know), but instead of seeing parenting as responsibility and burden, part of me now, just wants that joy.

my housemate's fav band

That's a song by 10cc, which is one of my Housemates favs, they are really talented, and that song is pretty dirty, but most of their stuff is super catchy, even when it is really weird. Music from the 70s.

I am not sure what I have to share. Obviously the election went almost as well as it could. If Michelle Bachmann had lost it would have been perfect... but I was super happy the next morning and most of the day.
I think its been hard to figure out what to do since...
I have time to take on new projects or watch tv or movies or read.
I picked up The Kid  by Dan Savage today... my coworker recommended it.

I went and got a massage. It was good, helpful, but now I am a little sore. Also I think I would prefer a massage therapist who doesn't talk... but since I only get them every other year or so... seems ok.

With time to spare and no non-personal obligations I find myself more contemplative in a bad way. Or rather in, a negative way towards myself.

on the eve

Good song, good video



I had a hard time sleeping last night, and part of it was the election. I think I am excited to vote tomorrow, I think I am excited for it to be over. I think I am excited to win.
Seems strange how my mind has flipped in these last few days from being too scared to believe its possible, to just assuming the right thing will happen.

I was phone calling against voter ID tonight with an auto dialer, but the lines were so busy across the country that it was taking 15-20 minutes for a live phone call and I got fed up and left early, even though I had already had a few good calls. I just felt like I could use my time better.
I called my Dad, I intended to ask him to vote NO on both amendments and chickened out. I think I would rather not carry that resentment if he hasn't changed his mind.

Its hard to understand.

But tonight I am thinking about all the people I love. Its weird how many of them dont live in this state anymore... when I pray for people (which is something I do regularly now, for some reason), I hop around the map trying to remember everyone I know in all the different locations. I think its funny though how I sometimes forget about folks here because I am too busy skipping from state to state.

Anyway, feeling deep longing remembrances.   

Maybe some day I will go back to feeling things in the moment.

Broken Glass

I was on the floor, I think I was in and out of sleep while you talked on the phone. One person after the next, making plans for the month you would be home, almost all of your friends were women, which has never been the case.  I sleepily came to, as it seemed you were preparing to leave. I asked a few questions, like "Who are you seeing?"  "When do you leave again?"  "Will we have some time?"  and you answered them quickly, a name I didn't know, a month, of course.
You were putting on your jacket. I knew it was cold out.
We gave eachother a hug as you said goodbye and walked out the door.
I looked at the floor
odd colored broken glass fragments, I wanted to warn you to be careful. I followed you out into the drive way which looked like my Dad's in Minnetonka though it was not his house. It was snowing, dark, the streets were covered and other than the glass in my hand biting into my flesh it was calm and peaceful, cold, biting. You had already driven off with the girl I didn't know.  I decided to text you to be careful, both of the glass and the conditions of the road.
I sent a text, I have no idea what it said, but as I approached the door someone else had gotten home.
They locked it in front of me. I had the key but I was annoyed that they didn't realize I was outside.
The roommate understood but his guest didn't know me, so it seemed like I was barging in and mean.
I was explaining to them about the broken glass when you sent a text back.
It wasn't meant for me,
it was inappropriate, blurry, you were wearing blue underwear, I didn't recognize the guy, but obviously not meant for me.
Then I wondered about the camera angle and realized you hadn't taken the picture.
I was angry, concerned,
I woke up.

yes and no

I am feeling quite selfish right now. Its not coming out in the younger version of me way of things, its more like a desire to sit still and do nothing. A younger me would say fuck you.  This version of me, just wants you to be the way you are, and let me be the same.

Its a really bad time for selfishness, there are two hateful amendments coming up, and an election that could swing the country back the wrong direction, I've got family and friends who I am not supporting and who could probably use some contact.

I've got shit to do, some work related things I have dropped the ball on, some goals I will not reach without effort.

but I just want to sit in  a warm spot and listen to music or be entertained by something. Be passive, be soothed. 

There isn't anything wrong with me.  I am not sick, not really sad or depressed, not necessarily pessimistic.  Just want to be a lizard in the sun.  

The shoulds

I should be volunteering right now.
I should be writing blog posts about voting No, and updating facebook, and I will wish I had if we lose in this election.
I should be watching the movies I need to watch for school.
I should be looking into what classes I will take tomorrow.
I should be writing Illy back, because she was nice enough to write me. 
I should not be thinking about the 2-3 things I have wanted to write about lately.
I should be updating that people text, I said I was going to rewrite.
I should be reading a book, and hanging out with a friend, and thinking about the future in a more positive way. 
I should be making the time to support people in need. 
I should be working on some media projects, and I should be texting some folks back about next week.
I shouldn't be thinking about Diplomacy or how I want to escape into fantasy books.
I should be thinking about how to adapt curriculum to meet my students needs.
I should be writing about my Grandma's passing.
I shouldn't be so afraid.
I should be seeking out new relationships. I should hang out with Aleks, Emily and Julene some time, since today was fun.
I should be volunteering right now. I should volunteer on Sat, Sun and Monday.
I should prepare a costume for next Thursday and Sat. 
I shouldn't be thinking about sex, about being bad at it, after all I am not actually practicing.
I should be preparing a trip to South America.
I should be planning on how to make it meaningful.
I should stop. 

I think this is my normal reaction to grief.
Maybe, either that or I am getting sick, or super stressed and just don't know it. Maybe I am being poisoned...

anyway, I have been wanting to do more writing, but I can barely think lately.
so... soonish?

there are some folks I want to talk to and get back to... but that will have to wait.

farewell

Grandma died yesterday around 3:30 AM. I had been in the room about 4.5 hours previous, and she looked like a breathing corpse.  My mom was there, perhaps my little brother too.
I didn't cry till yesterday afternoon when we moved her stuff out of the room at the nursing home. Something so final about it all.
On the way home the idea that she no longer had "stuff" moved me to tears.
This is a woman, who I had defined in my head as being paired with "stuff"
I will probably write about that more at some point...
but today I feel brain dead and cold.
Is there something wrong lex?

There are may hard things going on. I don't know how to be there for everyone right now.
I think I am going to go take a nap.

on death and grieving

Been reading a lot of Kahlil Gibran

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

My Grandma is dying, has been for 92 years I suppose, but mostly these last few days, weeks, months and years.  Most nights this week I heard her breathing and thought how easily each breath could be the last. 

But my heart cries more easily for a friend.  A friend I write to regularly and never send anything... because each word casually morphs into a stab conceived from deep within my hurting.
I was looking at pictures tonight. I have no pictures of my grandma, but the photo albums on my shelves and pictures on my wall have my friend on each page. A hundred looks, smiles, laughter, insights, nights when life felt great because in our suffering we weren't alone, and nights when life felt greater because in our joy... 
I shared my humanity with this friend, like no other friend, yet now each of us feels betrayed. 
 and I can't find in my heart the strength to start over, to forgive, or even to be vulnerable and it hurts me more, because I know I am trying to stay strong so I don't just fall over and fail...so I don't get eaten alive, don't submit to manipulation and abuse, stay aware and responsible,    but to be strong is to be open, 
and I am failing all the same. 

and it brings up all my other failures, the pictures in the book. The lost friends, or the ones I am too hard to let in. Each picture a joy in my heart, and a stab also. and another stab because tomorrow I will remember the pain and not the joy as I struggle through how to make life just a little more sane.
 I once thought I could be everything to everyone, and now wonder if I can be anything at all, or if my purpose will be to casually whittle myself away, like the flesh on my Grandma's arms, like her sunken cheeks, like her hollow eyes, and vacant breaths.

My mother brought up her brilliance tonight, an insight from my friend, that allowed her to connect with my grandma these past few months even through the dementia.  An insight from a friend of mine she barely knew, and here she is on my grandma's death bed telling the nurse, of a gift, from my friend who I can't even talk to, because every time I want to make peace I end up tasting bile and grinding my teeth.

and each time I look at my grandma's open mouth, dry lips, dark and fragile hands, her boney arms leading back to such tiny breakable frame, I wonder who would hold my hand as I slip away, battered and bruised, broken and tormented, would anyone cry or would they like I, whisper wishes of quick goodbyes under their breath when no one is looking...  and if it were my friend, would I ever forgive myself for this time wasted? 

and the answer is of course no, but through tears I still cant taste forgiveness.

from peoples' mouths I have heard deeply meant affirmations of my character, but most days I can't tell if my optimism is based on an expanding worldview, or a diminished one. 

My grandma has become blind, but this week she saw paintings, sculptures and visions. She described them and I couldn't comprehend their beauty. 
She didn't know me this week, but she never really knew me.  
As I approached she asked me if she had offended me, and I wondered if she meant it.
If in my fear I had given her cause to believe that she had hurt me.
and I assured her no, but I wonder if I meant it.

Sometimes I go over the records of my relationships, to find some valid substantial reason for the great surging depths of my feelings, and sometimes I find it, and it leaves me even more humbled, feeling more blessed, and sometimes more lost than ever.

a writin

I've been at Blue Moon for about 7 hours. I spent about 5 hours trying to write a comprehensive understanding of my history and perception around race, ethnicity and racism. 

After 5 hours I realized this would be a much longer process and it should be broken down in parts.  I have a good start though.  Like with many things, right now I feel a strong flourishing of understanding and growth. It feels good to explore with the students, with friends and acquaintances. Last year felt pretty stressful and blah... maybe this year will turn that way again...but right now I feel in the zone. 

We are starting the second round of donations this weekend... 
Like tomorrow and Monday.

I had a list of like 12 things I wanted to do, and I m readily checking them off the list.  
I updated some websites, did some reading, went to the bank, did a training at work, did some writing and have seen a few folks.  I told my dad about the possible baby thing, which had been weighing on me.

Jess had a baby, thus she had to cancel seeing a movie with me. Lacey also had to cancel. My Grandma is moving next weekend. 

 I sure do write and erase a lot of shit.

okcupid jerk

So, I am on okcupid again, because Jared told me I should be. 
I made a genuine effort for a few days, but lately I have switched back into old habits.
As I have stated before, okcupid makes me feel super shallow...  both when I think about the people I am searching through, and also when I think about myself. Like I message people, they don't respond, I feel bad about myself. People message me, I dont respond or I do, but not necessarily with interest, I feel bad. 

So this woman messaged me, basically just saying "hi" and the site told me she had visited me before. I think the personality questions have pegged us at being fairly similar. She made the move, and then when I went on today she actually initiated the chat function. 
So the thing about this woman is that she is a little person. I am not necessarily attracted to her physically but then there is also the fact that she is a little person. And she says Hi, and I say hi back, she flatters me, after all no one else has actually ever tried to chat with me, and beyond that she is really open and perhaps a little "forward" though I take it as a compliment. I am impressed with her courage, I am impressed with her humor and I am interested in many of the same things she is. Eventually she asks about whether we can skype, she says it was nice that I even responded and I this whole time I am thinking, I am interested in this woman's life, her experiences, but she wants to be my girlfriend and I am not interested in her in that way. Eventually I start to feel really conflicted like I am leading her on. And the whole thing seems conceited because in so many ways I think this woman has more of a handle on her life and what she wants and knows how to get it, then I can even imagine. I am almost intimidated by her level of confidence, but then this is still my ableism showing right? (like deep inside me, there is something saying she shouldn't be... right?)  so... eventually she asks if she has scared me away, and I tell her I think am one of those guys that frustrates her because she has (in her words) "all the good qualities that would make a great girl friend" but I am imagining the hangups caused by my shallowness.  She tells me its my loss, and everything in me thinks, how true that statement is.


Part of me wants to defend myself with other comparisons, the friends I have rejected, the parts of myself I have rejected. Its not like I am only shying away from this one person, I am shutting myself off from all sorts of possibilities... someone recently referred to it as learning to know what you actually are interested in (perhaps), neurologically they call it neural pruning, like you are cutting away the unnecessary or unused portions of your brain, but thats my loss isn't it?  I'm losing either way...

I can spend my time recognizing that I don't want to spend my time on ventures that don't lead to my happiness, and yet, so much of my happiness has been brought about by the unexpected.  
This issue really does take up all my time.  I know what I enjoy, I enjoyed talking to this woman, thinking about her, wondering about her perspective, but I felt like I was leading her on either way.

okcupid jerk,  more like a no win situation. I hope she continues to be confident and outgoing in the way I typically only fantasize about.  I hope she finds the guy she can be good to, and who can be good to her.

and maybe I can find that too, but who knows.

What drives you?

I'm a magician, yes, I create imagery and fantasy, there's no denying, but what to do with a snap shot in time,  a smirk or gesture captured, some set intentionally on display like a theater backdrop projecting simultaneously the wonder of all images and yet not too disturbing a sensation, a muted beauty. This is my selection a thousand 2 dimensional mannequins to project upon, with faces similar to all human faces, I categorize based on the memories of the loved, the memories of swapping testaments to personalities, sometimes while in motion,  tears, the memories of smiles and laughter, gossip and existential theories, sometimes bandaging wounds and sometimes ripping them open, I graft them to these wannabe models these blank canvas, these aliens. I graft them so precisely that its hard to see the lines where once there was unknown, blended concealer, here is an afterthought, here is a conquistador's adventure,  here is a quick dismissal, here is a game-ender, here is a clown's ambition, here is a wounded warrior and somewhere here is a true beauty.


I have found myself having trouble in my admiration. When I am with certain people, I find cute moments attractive, I find innocent moments attractive, I find intelligent moments attractive, I find funny moments attractive, I find sad moments attractive and sometimes even dramatic moments attractive. In the moment I can recognize the root sensation, something like "wow that is fascinating" but my head reads that statement with whatever visual and non visual cues as attraction, as beauty almost like physical beauty regardless of the visual at the time... its sort of fascinating, but I worry it sends the wrong signal. If my response to every stimuli is "beautiful" or "pretty" or whatever, am I reducing that person to a magazine ad? a work of art? a flower arrangement? when what I mean somewhere underneath is how majestic, how cosmic, how overpowering... and if I compare the variables in flux, the shifting landscapes, starscapes, the biomes within and without, the fated and well-met, the Celestine spirit the tao between the miraculous to this, me sitting with you, enjoying, does it prop you up a pedestal higher, based solely on my desire and create an imbalance where there shouldn't be.


A few weeks ago when I was reading that book about Men and Masculinity, the author wrote about how some men, or perhaps all men, can sometimes feel attraction and desire as a painful experience. Like a physically or perhaps psychically- somatized painful experience.  I wonder if other people feel that.  Sometimes I do, sometimes its like a drug that I have a hard time removing myself from, like just one more please, sometimes like a thirst that I can't quench.Sometimes it aches in  my heart, my joints hurt, can't breathe, sometimes my stomach caves in.
Becky asked me if the relationship we had was unfair in essence because she went on with her life while I was expected to be ready for her return (whenever she wasn't in a relationship). Aren't all my relationships like that? Isn't it somewhat natural for a mixed gender (heterosexual) friendship to have elements of it?  Anyway, I wonder if my desire to be in the presence of some people is entirely based on my addiction to my attraction for them. Like it doesn't matter how brutal the relationship is, I need my fix. Especially when all these other things boil down in my brain as attraction, a joke attraction, a thoughtful comment attraction, an uncommon gesture attraction.
I think this is one of the things that I worry about, at my root. I think I worry I will hurt people, do the wrong thing, be a monster because of this weird reduction of a vast quantity of sensory experiences to just one, and one that drives me, allows me to be reckless abusive and violent, panicked and sick, submissive and abused, manipulated and strung along, like an innocent, like an animal, like a monster, like an angel.
The Iliad is the story of nations going to war over attraction and the natural (read masculine) pride that accompanies it. They were adults right?
But this is more like a teenager, the star crossed teen angst, the suicidal and chaotic.
I've spent my time in repentance, almost all of it, a monk or the voyeur, in fear of the conquistador.

Because

I once had a nightmare about the things inside me meshing with the things inside someone else.

No, that isn’t right, the things inside me twisting in their yearning like snakes, they exited from the unclenched and vulnerable areas of my skin, and tangled their way into the comfort of another. 

And when I am near you, sometimes the yearning is the same, it’s palpable, I can see it, especially within a close distance. It’s like our magnetic shields incorporate each other, and I am pulled near,

I would say its almost violent, the way it grabs me. Latches on and won’t let go, like your every move becomes my essence, even if we aren’t enmeshed, your jokes, your thoughts, your glimmering eyes and smile. I stop being able to see anything but beautiful, even in the awful.

Its awful, I can’t seem to hold things against you, I forget so easily the wounds and repercussions, because though I am drawn in,

Sometimes, I think you, are repelled. 

and is this the natural way, I wonder to myself while looking at photos. Those of the loves I know, and those of the loves I wonder if I will one day meet.

 

Wavering

So I am not a biological father yet. That was some news today. I can't say I have strong emotions one way or the other, I was sort of expecting this, at least the first time. 

My afternoon plans were cancelled so I am waiting for my evening plans to come around. 

Did some reading on development of racial identity and I find it sort of fascinating but want to talk to someone about it. Want to continue to explore these topics with people, but it feels so risky to do in our society. I am always amazed by people who walk through the societal norms without thinking about it, but in many ways I think that requires someone who is not afraid to make a fool of themselves... and though I do, frequently, I fear it as well.  The book I am having my students read in our advisory class talks about divisions of race and ethnicity within high school. It will be interesting to see what comes up in discussions... who will talk? 

But I was also thinking about how glad I am to have been reading more diverse histories of the americas... it allows me to sprinkle in positive images of different groups of people who are normally excluded or dismissed within text books.

Always a challenge to recognize and reflect on the taboo. 

SoT is sort of starting up again in the next few weeks... It will be interesting to see if we can put something more sustainable together. Recognize the actual capacity and actual needs of the community. 


I am really not sure what kind of energy I have right now. I feel simultaneously intrigued by new faces and desirous of people, and also totally shy and disinterested. Its bizarre.
Before she left Becky implied that I had changes a lot from who she knew in college. I think that is partially true... in some ways met my capacity, in some ways exposed to a larger more spread out crowd, in some ways more invested in specific aspects of my life like work, but also more and less confident. More confident in handling things, less confident in exploring new people.

Good day sunshine

Two cups of coffee was probably too much, hard to sit still.
I am headed to a movie soon with my brothers.
I spent a few hours with Steve listening to him tell about his bike trip from NY to DC. Inspiring. Spirited. Energizing.

I spent a few hours with Becky the other night and it felt like it should feel. She is leaving for England (probably right now), but I was glad to reconnect.

I spent a few hours with Lacey this weekend too, and it was nice to feel like our friendship hasn't disintegrated, which was kind of how I felt for the last few weeks... I just felt kind of like everyone had abandoned me or was too busy, or was in pursuit of their own possibilities. This feeling was both awful and sort of liberating and that has been an odd and uneasy tension in my life lately. All these transitions push me to pursue my own goals beyond the needs and whims of my friends, simultaneously I find it really hard to pursue my goals without a good understanding of who I am (with no one to reflect it back to me). So the reconnection with these friends this weekend was reassuring, at the same time, I was able to say to them YES I am pursuing  new interests, new projects, new pursuits... and they were able to be happy for me.

This tension though is troubling in that I think it is in the way of healing one of the major issues in my life. I think I am afraid I will get stale again if I pursue the relationships that have been my pillars.  So how do I find comfort, and comfort, but without losing touch of the new reality?

__________________________________________________________________

I rearranged my room, hung up some art, cleaned my closet, dusted. I have been working out (in a small way). I bought groceries and started eating slightly healthier. I went back to work and found a little purpose.  I started planning a trip to South America.  I read some books. I met some people. I got back on okcupid. I danced a little. 

I have to go see my brothers.

Christ lives here

Christ the girl (our new roommate).

Having one of those nights where I want to be angry and calm simultaneously. I feel misrepresented and I don't know who is to blame.

That is not what I wanted to write about though.  Now I can't remember what it was I wanted to write about.

I wish there were an easier way to say to a person that you were feeling they were being clingy. Not only is it an anxiety producing comment, but it possibly even worsens the situation they are already in.

messages?

I went to bed last night, unable to sleep I tossed like a salad for several hours. I was spent, but my mind wanted to think about things like putting away folders (which is what I had done that day), wanted to check off lists you know... But as part of this, I started thinking of all the changes I wanted to make in my life. Maybe I wanted to start planning my south america trip. Where would I start? Where would I end? How would I know when its enough?
Is early next summer to early? By the time I was asleep, I am sure I had convinced myself I could not leave too early. I would cancel all my plans, my responsibilities: School could wait or would be dead soon enough, SoT is a waste of time, I have no friends I told myself.
My mind picked up on that SoT thing, because though I was planning on stepping off the leadership council and maybe not showing up as much as the thing quietly fell apart without me (egocentric to the max before bed!)  I had a dream. 

I was standing somewhere, like maybe the Fair, only I know I was also late to my first class, so maybe it was the fair at some university where I was skipping class to chat up old ladies.. anyway, two old ladies were talking to each other about SoT, and I (though I was planning on quitting), seemed like the perfect person to bud into their conversation, so of course I did, "You know I am a leader of SoT, and I would be perfectly happy to answer any questions."  they did have questions... "what are you doing on healthcare?"
"nothing yet, but I am sure with enough energy we could be" and suddenly there were not two, but twenty, and they were energized. They wanted universal healthcare, they wanted their retirements secure, they wanted their kids to not worry, and their kids were there too, wanting to not worry. At 20 they were a small energized crowd, at 50 they were a bulldozer force. They had momentum, they had the moment, SoT was a thing with an impact.
and I was late for class.

___________________________________________________________________________


I was early, I am always early, I showed up and was seated, I questioned myself on whether I needed separate seating, after all I was meeting them right? No, not really, there was nothing confirmed, had I made up the whole thing? Was I just crashing their get together, who the fuck was Huck? Why as he special... I mean I knew Huck, I like Huck, Huck is a fine person, but why were you meeting with him and not me. Fuck it, I will join you. What a weird restaurant, a dark rich environment like a romantic eatery seen only in rich people dramas. Only the menu had no lobster or fois gras, but icecream, yogurt, sorbet.  Rich icecream yogurt and sorbet mind you. Each scoop was like 15 buck and they only served them in 2 scoops, no more, no less. What an exquisite menu I thought to myself, but I was too nervous, sweating, what the fuck am I doing here? I turned around to see the two of you entering. Huck was tall, in a dark suit. He matched the place perfectly, suave and silly. He didn't see me. You entered your hair was just beyond shoulder length, teased out but in a beautiful swoop, you looked like model, perfectly catching the orange light in the darkness of the restaurant. Your were wearing a dress, strapless, form fitting, melted into the rich drama. you had a small purse, in manicured hands. You didn't see me.
The host seated the two of you, on the opposite side of the swank creamery. I followed down the long narrow row between tables, on this side there were deep dark wooden booths made for more people and they were filled with socialites all in black, laughing, smiling, beautiful. Laurel was amongst one group and she spotted me, smiled at me, returned to here laughing friends (all Filipino).  I got caught behind a group that was exiting, and lost track of you. I tried to sweep over to the other aisle but couldn't quite make it through, impatient I stood, sweating, the flood came back. What was I doing, how will she react? What if I am interrupting? Should I just leave a message and walk by. Should I wait for them to recognize me and invite me over. What if she denied wanting to see me? She had said it would be nice right?  I looked to Laurel for confirmation, she wasn't there.  I was hoping she could run interference with Huck, if I needed. She was gone.
I decided to approach, I saw the two of you, done up and fancy. You were just about to look at the menus, you didn't see me. Within 20 feet I chickened out. Turned around and thought better of myself, but I couldn't give up this opportunity, I was a mad man in a yogurt shop. I kept pacing up and down the aisle, but this whole calamity was in my head and no one was the wiser.
Eventually I returned to my seat, I was trying to text you. Something about, "try the _____ its good I hear" which I hadn't heard, nor tried, but I wanted to somehow say "I know you are here, please let me know if I can join you" but I was sweating and the sweat was stinging my eyes, and I wondered if I was too poorly dressed in this place. I was choking from the heat, I felt a mess, my glasses were foggy and I couldn't read the text. I didn't understand why I had these new thick rimmed glasses.  I was worried. I was missing the moment.

The build up is what gets you.

I don't know if this will be a complete entry, more like a smattering of ideas. I am not a context writer, I give you the middle, maybe a little on the side.

Someone woke me up this morning with a text, I wrote something back about no one being able to give me what I really wanted right now, in my sleepiness I knew that that was true, but hadn't defined what that was really. It took me a few minutes longer...

If someone were able to snap their fingers, it'd be two fold, it wouldn't just be for the hurt to stop. It wouldn't be just that my friends feel cared for, or my mom suddenly didn't have this enormous burden on her, or that school wasn't so damn frustrating, it'd be more than that. I want the high times, the times when I felt special in each of these characters' lives. I miss being at the center of their universe, and I miss them being part of mine. I miss the ease, the comforting, the dynamic expansion of the heart in the way that it hurts because you are bursting with joy, not torn apart and healing. I miss being loved and needed, being sought out, being longed for.

I was right, no one can give me that. They can't get it back for me.  and I know I have thus far rejected new offers. I know that these ladies are in essence offering that with the potential to be a father, I am disastrously scared of that. I am feeling unethical about it. I am worried I will add the element of destruction to that.

But anyway it won't really be that, this is like the ending of high school, or college, people walk away and find new lives. There are two things that heal, time and replacement. I know they aren't truly replaced, but when my thoughts are of others, they won't be as tied up in them. 

 

1,000,000 things to worry about and yet not.

I am reading this book called Proving Manhood, so far I really like it and I am on chapter 5.
It is an analytical look at masculinity from a feminist perspective, that actually looks at men as human beings. Which is sadly something that is often overlooked, instead, we look at masculinity and see the masculine norm and treat men as if they are or are not it. We complain and argue and attack and dismiss based on how well we are or are not performing masculinity and often forget that underneath, regardless of the performance there is some reason (education) and some cause (incentive) behind it. I don't just mean a desire for power and dominance, but rather a reason for that desire, a psychological need, a socialized need, perhaps even a biological drive. But he isn't trying to dismiss the harmful affect, nor dismiss responsibility just to understand it and process it, so that we could perhaps deal with it some day.
Its the first time so far where I haven't  felt defensive reading a feminist book, because perhaps I am old enough now, or perhaps because the author does a good of making it human.
Anyway, it brought some objectivity to my ordinarily ridiculously self-centered and biased perspective of myself. Which I really appreciate.

But underneath I find the topic to be hitting home dramatically right now. Because in essence I feel like whether I want to be or not, I am proving manhood right now by denying or not breaking down from the emotional stressers I am facing, I am remaining calm and sure footed in a world that feels completely turned upside down.

I do my duty, I don't rely too much, I keep shit together... but none of this really.
I am avoiding work, and emotions, and hard conversations, and hard thoughts. I am processing on one level what I am avoiding on another.
I feel like I relate to this author, who describes being rewarded and pushed ahead and seen as an expert like a good man while simultaneously saying and doing things he is unsure of, feels like he hasn't thought through, doesn't understand, doesn't feel like an expert on.

He gives a really poignant description of his life, in a reflection on his deceased mother

Mother:
Since your death thirty years ago, your presence is a film covering my experience, darkening it and making the world, the world of my life, seem farther away. If i could pop you open, a thousand memories would appear and move me, breaking and healing my heart, and making the world real again.  Your unreality places the world so far away. Your unreality makes my life unreal.  But I can't, don't know how to pop you open, and as I move deeper into middle age, I wonder whether the attention I give you is worth the effort, But still, I sense, Until you are real, I will not be real.

For some reason this resonated with me tonight, as I think about all the unreal situations I am facing and wonder who I am. How can I be real if I can't process all these things I should be processing... I go on, its rather easy actually, further in my delusions, pretending things are fine, crying at odd moments, unable to really touch this thing that is outside my reach, because if I did, I'd be a mess... maybe, maybe too needy, too unresponsive or irresponsible. I'd be too much of a child reaching for his mommy, and even my Mommy would be turned off like "who is this emotional wreck of a child, this is not what I raised, I raised a sensitive but strong man."  

I gave my first sperm donation tonight.  I was not ready, I didn't know what I was doing. I hadn't really prepared, I hadn't waited long enough. I hadn't figured out how to produce enough... you know... I'm sitting around questioning my masculinity, my male-ness. I am embarrassed, I am worried that if things don't work out it will be my fault.

But all of this is what it is.

One of the conclusions that has weighed on my mind for a while is that i have been spoiled by good friends. But I wonder if I were any less spoiled just how neurotic I would be at this point.  Its been hard for me lately to get deep with the people I want to, like I can't really really be me... this damn film on my life or perhaps I am just too afraid to let my guard down. Anyway all of this is making me realized how strange my performance of masculinity truly is. My hair is in pigtails but I am stoic, I am dancing to the music but I can't be perceived as needing anything.

I am forgetful of my friends and family, and neglectful, and perhaps even hurtful, because I am not centered, because I am not focused, because I am caught up in the act of being purposeful.

I don't know. I thought I would be able to write and have things make sense, but not that I have written it seems even more jumbled.
It is

My room smells like cat pee

I think because I haven't had the window open for a few days I suddenly noticed what my room regularly smells like. I probably need to do a complete sweep and clean.

I think I have been operating under a different set of assumptions about how a friendship works than some of my besties lately.  There is something slightly off, and I have been feeling slighted, but perhaps its just a different way of seeing things. 

I don't know. This afternoon I was thinking I need to change things. 

I am pretty sure I am going to chop off my hair something like 8 months early, but who needs schedules?

On the way home I was thinking maybe things aren't supposed to fall into place, because this isn't the place for them to fall together right... but that was after reading for hours about the devastation of people and the planet by misguided attempts at ecological change...   I really enjoy this style of history. In this style, economics and politics are impacted by the environment rather than the other way around. 

It makes more sense in the overarching history than most other theories...

Oh well those are my thoughts.

I keep writing things feeling sorry for myself.
Then not posting them.
I wait.

You are my sweetest downfall

Tomorrow is starting to feel like it may be a busy day. Something about not having a lot to do, makes you feel overwhelmed when a day is full. 

I couldn't get to sleep last night, I had so many thoughts that weren't necessarily invited, but they kept me up  till something like 4:30 (or later), after I tried to go to bed at about 1:30.  Then my Dad pocket dialed me at 7:30 and it started again. I think I got back to sleep by around 9ish, but it was super annoying.

I am supposed to do this video project for SoT, something about how SoT has impacted my faith and how community organizing is beneficial. I wrote up a script. It looks like the following.

My faith journey began as a child, baptized and brought up in the Lutheran church, I found myself in youth groups, volunteering in the nursery and for church plays. Going on youth mission trips. Confirmation classes, my faith and values developed through the stories in the bible and I began to understand very deeply that God works through people in the world, and wants us to be welcoming and to cherish each other as brothers and sisters.

Unfortunately, I didn’t see that in the church, by 16 or so, I felt like the church was a place that talked a big game, but didn’t follow through in action. 

I left the church but continued to explore my spirituality, and intended to act on my  deeply held values in the world. I became a high school teacher for at risk youth, working with these teenagers I wanted to help them recognize they have a place in a world but found that the world mostly attempts to keep them marginalized.

This is partially why the values at Spirit of Truth call out to me, in our community we recognize its not enough to talk a big game, we have to create the world we want to see.

We have started this in our community, getting to know each other through community events, art nights, yoga, prayer groups potlucks, discussion groups, talking, listening, singing together.

In these community building activities we have found shared stories, shared values and an eagerness to create a community and a larger society where all people are recognized and feel God’s love in their community. In our organizing we have also taken on social justice actions, working with Nurses, Low Wage Workers, union Members and most recently the Equality movements for justice in Marriage rights.

Personally this organizing has challenged me to speak out on the places where I see injustice, has moved me to be a part of the change to create a better world, and has allowed me to reconcile much of my faith values with the way I live my life.  I find at SoT we create together a space where holistically people’s needs are met, nourished and their gifts are allowed to blossom.

Being a member of SoT has opened new doors for me, given me clarity and allowed me to feel free to be my true self in the world, in a way that I have never experienced.  I think this is something that God wants for all of us. 

 Its funny how when you try to write something that feels real, it ends up sounding fake and vv. 

I think one thing that has changed about me in the last few years is that I no longer get so anxious about absolutes. I was rereading that last post and it seemed very absolutist in some things, but in general, I think I am less so. I am learning to experience and enjoy the complex gray wilderness.  I am more okay with contradicting myself in a sentence. I am more okay relying on people's good intentions.  Well, to some extent. 

Then there are the ways it is infuriating right?  I still expect those.

I thought I had something to say, but I am not sure I do. 

Listening to this band a lot 

Sharing Humanity

I spent a few hours today talking to a friend. She has this habit of crying when we talk, and she blames it on me, or rather assigns the moods she gets into to our discussions. She also hints at the possibility of more almost every time we depart. 

We were talking about human experiences, like crying, being moved, feeling isolated and alone in the universe. She projects an image of me that makes me feel like I am intriguing and profound. I find it hard to understand sometimes. I tend to chalk it up to the fact that she rarely shares much of herself with anyone, so of course a conversationalist who likes to listen, or who shares a bit of vulnerability, or who makes it seem comfortable enough,  well that feels like a kind of connection, a kind of miracle, and I walk away feeling like I've been a part of something meaningful, but not entirely as out of the ordinary as she presumes it to be. 

Yesterday she and my coworker startled me in their shared assessment that I fit the description I was giving of a "good" person, and I quickly dismissed it. It was one of those moments where you are shocked by the way others perceive you, like I walk around all day with my head in a different world than they do... and I chalk it up to the fact that they are good, and want to see good in others who they relate to, but I am not sure it is that simple. 

I've been dreaming of familiar people, people who aren't a part of my life on the regular, but their being around in mundane roles seems comforting in the dreams. I wonder if it means anything. Like preparation for something.

The thought occurred to me tonight that perhaps the opposite of what I assumed might happen could happen if I do end up helping conceive this child. Perhaps I will drop my obsessive thoughts on morality and just enjoy life, regardless of the consequences, like "I've done my work to ensure the future, so fuck it, time to enjoy the present."   This is contrasted with that assumption I have always had that said "When I have a reason to live, I will live better." and perhaps, that statement is hurtful to some in my life, but it seemed fitting enough.

At least 20 million

That title is in response to the test. Really rather amazing how many cells can fit in a tiny drop of something.

Speaking of amazing...

Sometimes I forget that underneath all my loathing, anger, cynicism etc... I am actually quite in awe of how beautiful this world, this life can be.

This hit me when I was watching the Olympics for 10 minutes. 10 minutes of my life and I started tearing up at the beauty of synchronized diving, this coming from the guy who hates the olympics because they are a spectacle of nationalism and commercialism and all that is wrong with humans... and yet how beautiful humans can be...

Some art

Mine are not as good as some of these but they will be posted below



Most of these were done with one ink pen, 5 colored pencils and a brush.
Oh and I spelled dyed wrong on that one. 

Why so angry?

Taken from someone's facebook post

I was trying to figure out why this photo and caption angered me so much.

The first thing I did was look up pictures online to see if it was real... I'd guess this fetus is between 12-14 weeks from what I saw online.

In many ways this is brilliant propaganda, is that why it bothers me?

Do I feel an attachment toward this human?  I mean I am tempted to say it is not yet a human, but who cares, its a protohuman right, so why is it so frustrating.

I have been thinking about this argument I was in with my step mom, my dad wants to have lunch tomorrow, and I got worried that maybe it was like in retaliation. Which is dumb, but I was readying myself for combat.  

When someone else makes a good point, we recoil, sometimes lash out, but sometimes its just a good point.   I think my frustration with this photo is not so much in the piece itself, that's kind of adorable (trying to recreate the classic baby in a hand photo), but rather in those who use it, "it literally might save a life" as if re-posting that picture "saves" that life. Keeps it from being one of the starving, abandoned, abused, diseased, neglected, alienated or violated in a million other ways.   Not that life can't be good when it is painful, life can still be good, but why can't we try to make it easier for the living instead of guilt tripping them into bringing about more?

I have been reading about the horrors brought about by ecological destruction. The wars, plagues, droughts, disasters.  Almost all of which were brought about by overpopulation. 

A funny subject to talk about when one is planning on taking a fertility test and hopefully conceiving a child... but for those not ready to take on the responsibility -why push?

Nothing to say.

I mean it... I did some stuff today, nothing worth mentioning.
Never major revelations.
I have to wait another day or two for the fertility test. Its actually kind of hard for someone with the habits I have.

A dream

I had two that I remember from last night, but this one seemed more fun.

I was walking, in the park when I approached you. It was as if we had met before, like in many of the dreams I have -where the person seems familiar even when they aren't. Like how I imagine in my waking life, one day I will happen upon you, or another one of you (dream girls) and just say "Hey, where have you been hiding, I've been waiting forever" to which you will reply "Mike, I'm here now, quit complaining" and then we will walk off together. Which is basically what happened. 

I approached you, short hair, elfish, dark late fall clothes, it was cool out, it was getting darker, but I could see your glowing face and you could see mine.  I was captivated, like I am by every pretty girl's smile. I was confident, I approached you. But likewise, you approached me, like you'd been waiting, just standing there waiting for this stranger with his long hair and his off-kilter confidence to say "hey"  or whatever it was I said to you, because we weren't really saying things, not really. 

It was if we were reading each-other's minds, each-other's futures. 

More like saying "Are you sure? because I think I am" and then the other would say the same as we continued to mind read each secret, each story. We walked, arm and arm, smiling, laughing, singing maybe, because our talk wasn't vocal, but we were sharing... and this was our first date but because we had known each other and because we were reading each others future, when we ran into Jess and her friend, you introduced yourself and she did, and said we looked like a good couple, which we weren't yet, but we didn't correct her because we planned to be, we were already committed somehow, and so we all walked together to her house or her cabin and momentarily I fell behind, in my joy of the thing, trying to understand the thing, trying to explain the excitement and happiness of it all... and when I approached the house I knew the majority were watching something, I could hear them all together watching a movie, loud and social, and I thought to myself how I didn't want you to be amongst them, because I wanted to steal your cute elfishness and keep it for myself, keep exploring with you, smiling, reassuring.  So I looked in the room off to the side, hoping you would be there, and you were... smiling you looked up, you were petting a dog (yes apparently dogs don't freak me out in dreams), you wanted to show me how it was curled up and sleeping and cute, and I thought "how funny she likes dogs, of course she likes dogs and of course they like her" because in my dream all of life loved you, was attracted to you, belonged to you, the way I did, and the way I wanted you to be attracted to me. 

And I walked over to pet the dog and be in your presence, and I did (pet the dog) and it was warm, and I did (enter your presence) and it was warm. 

And I woke up happy for a moment, filled with you.

been awhile since i wrote out a political rant on here

My step mother recently began an argument with me on a few issues. Gay marriage came up, she and my dad feel they are just following their faith, not discriminating by being against marriage equality. She also brought up the Chick Fil A thing.  I hadn't really thought about the chick fil a thing until I read the article at the bottom. I guess sometimes my biases come out when I am arguing for things and I can't put my finger on why it is important to argue against say a random corporation getting involved. I don't think Chick Fil A is directly responsible for the deaths of lgbt kids... but they are not helping, and may in fact be hurting those children indirectly. 

Anyway here is what I sent her:

Hi Colleen, I guess I am still cooling off a little after that last one. I think this issue is particularly hard because so many of the people in my life are affected so personally by this issue, friends, family coworkers, even myself. I know the vague legal boundaries around same sex partners seem like a small issue, but I think its more about the larger issue that in the united states we use these institutions to block people from being recognized as equals. I cannot be okay with that, and I don't think you and my dad are actually okay with that either, but right now you don't see how it is discrimination. It is though because on a basic LEGAL and SOCIAL level, some people are given more rights than others. No different from racial discrimination, which I know you are not ok with. In fact some of these rights had to be fought for during the civil rights movements, women's rights movement, even in some states the Catholic's rights movements.

LGBT folks are not recognized as being equal, if you want to fight for their equality then vote No, or don't Vote on the amendment, OR fight for equal civil rights and try to get the state constitution to recognize civil unions as equal to your marriage.


Feel free to read the rest if you like, it is about discrimination of lgbt folks, and reactions to the common arguments against marriage equality.
______________________________________________
National Level:
It seems absurd to me that for 18 years of my life Gay people in the military were openly discriminated against for being themselves, even if they had "served their country" in combat, they were dismissed without benefits for being themselves. Imagine losing a limb for this country and then getting nothing. Did this happen to straight folks? It seems absurd to me that for the last 16 years a gay person's legal marriage in one state, wouldn't be recognize in another. Imagine going to South Dakota or Florida and not having your marriage recognized. If you and my dad were for some reason injured on a trip, its possible the hospital would deny you access to each other. Think about how horrifying that would be. Does this happen to straight folks?
In several states homosexual individuals and couples can't adopt children. Meaning thousands of kids go un-adopted but willing folks can't adopt them. Are straight couples ever ruled unfit, simply because of their sexuality?


Besides the DOMA stuff above, there are 515 statutes of Minnesota law that apply to Heterosexual couples and don't apply to Homosexual couples. 515 laws that create unequal treatment from the state of MN to same sex couples.

Why does it have to be "marriage" on a legal level?

This is something that a lot of people on all sides of the issue ask, in many ways progressives would rather change the law so that "marriage" was a word not used in any legal manner. They say let marriage be a religious thing, let civil unions be a legal term, this would basically mean the state would recognize that you were in a civil union, the church may or may not recognize that you were married. I myself don't care about this one, as many churches will marry lgbt folks, and the state could be changed to recognize civil unions, but this is not the argument conservatives fought for in the legislature. They chose to have an anti-marriage amendment thrown into the mn constitution for no reason ( I say no reason, because same sex marriage is already illegal in MN.)
This would mean (if it passes) lgbt partners could never have their "marriages" recognized by the state (forever). Making it very unlikely that same sex couples will ever have the same legal rights.

This means you will always be able to visit my dad in the hospital, but arguably another couple may not. This means you will be able to receive tax benefits that another couple does not. So on and so forth.

Why does it have to be "marriage" on a social level?
Would you give up your marriage even if you still had the legal rights?If you answer is no, that is the reason why it has to be marriage. Because the term marriage bestows a social, psychological and YES to some extent a religious understanding that says "this is important." James just got married and described the days after it as being the happiest he had been in a long time. Nothing had changed in any way, other than the legal, social and psychological impact of "marriage".


Religious rules: the laws that supposedly discuss homosexuality as evil are ludicrous and we ignore most of those these days anyway, so lets talk about "biblical marriage:"
Biblical marriage throughout the bible is almost always discussed as a business transaction. Women almost never have choice in the matter. Women are seen as property in the bible. Love is almost never mentioned, lust is more often the motive of the male protagonist when discussed for reasons to marry. Commitment is seen as secondary to the business transaction. Polygamy is celebrated in the heroic stories of the bible more often than marriage between two individuals. Most of the cultures of the bible tended to have separate spheres for males and females so the idea of our modern form of marriage for love and commitment was almost never possible. Many of the marriages in the bible are far from sacred, they routinely talk about marrying for diplomacy, for property and for power. Divorce, adultery and other obstacles to the "sacredness of marriage" were as common then as now, which is why they had so many strict rules to try to keep families intact.

New testament: First off is the new testament about inclusion or intolerance? Second, Jesus said nothing about homosexuality. Paul did, but he also said its better for all people to remain single rather than get married. He also said in Christ there is no male or female, all are one in Christ.

Freedom of Religion: The state legally shouldn't be able to uphold "religious rules" that create unequal treatment of people, if it cannot endorse a religion or inhibit the practice of a religion. If we keep people from legal marriage rights by using "religious" rules we are both endorsing one religious standpoint, and inhibiting other people from practicing their religious point of view. This amendment is against freedom of religion.

"Nature" arguments based on the idea that same sex couples cannot reproduce are ludicrous, You and my dad couldn't reproduce but it didn't keep you from wanting a "marriage."

Lastly why is it important to stand up for gay rights against those who speak against them? (Even if they are just speaking their mind?)
First off I think it is unfortunate that some people believe they or their beliefs are under attack if and when the state decides to change the law to recognize the equality of all people. In the south white people claimed their schools, businesses and churches were all under attack during the civil rights movement, meanwhile those same folks literally attacked black people and kept them from equal rights.

I think this article both attempts to be human, relational and speak to the reasons for standing up against institutional discrimination in whatever form, without attacking.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/conor-gaughan/chick-fil-a-homophobia_b_1711566.html