Weekends Under Quarantine

I have a list of things I "should" do. 
Some of them I am making progress with (book club, meditation, reaching out to parents).
Some of them I am avoiding (case notes, laundry, cleaning).
I have a list of things I "should't" do (watch netflix/amazon, play video games).
I know I will get the important things done because I want to start the week off well.

I was just out walking to the coffee shop. Under quarantine only a few peeps are allowed in at a time. I haven't had cash on me for weeks. I dropped half a bag of change in the tip jar. 
I took a paper handout on how to set up online to-go orders. I don't want to do that. 
On the way there, it was gray sky, misty, cold, lonely. The world is bare. 
My hair was flipping around. My face was feeling cold and tight. My neck stiff. 
Cars driving by, trying to get to their destinations without interacting. 
I looked across a parking lot and realized I had a choice to make. Did I want to grumble today or see the beauty in it all?
I tasted both. If I am totally honest, I am not sure which I want to choose.
Anger, frustration etc. have energized me when I am feeling down. 
But it's part of that karmic cycle you know?
I keep choosing situations that don't truly fuel my whole self, and then grumble on -frustrating myself with an incomplete puzzle. It's easy to blame others. It's easy to despair. In a lot of ways it's comforting, like a blanket pulled tight. It won't add anything to my life, but if I don't think too much about it, it could feel like a hug. And at the same time, I know there is also a bit of hazy eyed focus that allows me to let things jab me without repercussions. I am righteously angry, perhaps it is just finding my voice. Maybe it isn't a matter of choosing which, but acknowledging and letting them exist. Parts of me, each their purpose. And what today?

The quarantine has me low. And yet, I am also grateful.
The opportunities seem narrowed, and yet what is, is serving me well.
I have a great desire, and yet, I am not ready.
Slow down the universe screams, and if I am not listening, forces me to.

The gift of bread. That was how she won me over. 
And now I wonder who owns that kitchen?
And wonder why she couldn't be honest?
And wonder why it bothers me so.

I trick myself into believing I know people, see them, sometimes they trick themselves into believing it too. But it's scary to folks. No one wants to be seen truly, even if they crave it. Judgment, fear, opportunity to grow, someone constantly saying "what choice will you make this time?"
I am a scary bastard. This is why I giggle so much, lets laugh off the tension. You being human doesn't mean much if we put it in the light. 

So why do I judge my own humanity so mercilessly?

Last night after watching 4 hours of The Boys on amazon, I settled into read the book for book club. Chapter 2, know it. 
Chapter 3, aversive racism...
Racism is the water not the shark, you are part of it, privileged by it.
What do you do with that?  
The system is tilted in your favor, now what?
Fight fight fight?  till you are bowed over. 
Organize, communicate, activate, until the movement falls apart.
Teach, heal, listen, knowing it won't be enough... 
Also, your white guilt is meaningless and might even make it worse. 
What do you do with that?

Put your money where your mouth is, your body where your values are, your time and energy where you can make a difference... it won't be enough, you will feel as defeated or more than those who have not had the privileges you have. The system wins. What can you do to let it not kill you?

Is your individual life important?

I don't know. 




I called my mom and grant on FaceTime yesterday. It was fun. Grant and I argued over a nuanced position of whether the stock market is gambling. He said I was cynical and that it was a conspiracy. I  didn't say it, but it was his privilege speaking. White liberals wanting to hold on to their prosperity, while also proclaiming the need for change. We are not rebels. We are not revolutionaries. There are kids in cages today. We are the german people under the nazis. This is the water, and we are fish, not even jumping from our positions, but assuming if we swim far enough we might find a new way. But the poison is in the water, and it has dispersed. 






Abundance. Spirit. Truth. Walking away from illusion. There are no true answers. What feels right?
What feels possible? What is escape? What is just more attachment?
I find myself in this position often where I feel like I have to choose between human life and some non-human purpose filled life.  Not sure what is what. Maybe I am framing it wrong, seeing things from the wrong perspective. It feels like I should be able to have all things. Why can't I have meaningful work and love, and a family? and stability? and growth?  All things should be possible. 
But instead I often feel like it's one or the other. My human desires keeping me from good. My good desires keeping me from humanity.
Not a good framework. 

Day 14's affirmation was "There is a way, I can fulfill my true purpose in life." 
It's such a powerful statement. When I was young, I thought that we all fulfilled our life's purposes. But as I have grown, I recognize that we are all in this struggle to do so, and we don't really know how... I have faith that says we have the opportunity... and if I am honest it feels more like we will fulfill part of our purpose, and leave the rest to the next cycle. 
It has become harder and harder to say "I believe I can find the way to do it."  (not that there is only one path), but it's hard to imagine fulfilling my purpose... or maybe hard to imagine being happy while doing so. 

More later.

I am an expression of the abundant universe

I am actually having a hard time with that today...

I woke up thinking about M and her kids. More about her kids, and how even though I wasn't their parent, I was preparing to be for a year. Loved them. Fantasized about their futures. talked through her parenting decisions with her. Bought groceries and diapers and blah blah blah for them.  Yesterday in a moment of impulsiveness I said "I was a parent for a while."  The statement felt true... and this morning I was struggling with the truth of that -even though I wasn't technically, not really at all. But in my heart, I really wanted to be and I started seeing myself that way... as someone who would be a parent to these children.



I was stuck at home today for work. Will be for the foreseeable future. Socializing with coworkers and clients from a distance -just isn't the same. Telehealth therapy is not nearly as fun as in person.

I didn't have any espresso and the weak ass coffee I made was not enough.

I went to target twice today (didn't want to buy frozen stuff and leave it in the car). It was a weird atmosphere in there.

I waited to hear from my friend while I was in the target parking lot -stupidly I snooped on facebook.
I was suddenly pretty jealous, insecure, hurt, frustrated again. Feelings I haven't really felt since maybe last weekend when I was alone.

I focused on mindfulness, on considering abundance, on asking for what I need from the universe. Asked G-d to take care of all of us.

I walked around with my friend.

We ran into some of my old students. It made me realize I've lived lifetimes already. It was lovely and awkward.

There was plenty of beauty to behold, the sky, the plants, the houses, the little trinkets and art people put in their yards. The families playing while distancing.

My friend and I had a good conversation. We talked about future and present and past.

I came home and felt lonely.

Sometimes it feels like even the wrong fit is better than no fit.

I've been watching youtube, trying to figure out if I am going to go to bed early or binge watch something, or just cry for a while.

That might be nice.

This is really cool. I like the strengths based perspective. What are we looking for in each other? One of these things is not enough, but in the right combination we have integrity.

Vibes and co-regulating.

In my day job, a main role is that I need to stay in a calm - positive state, and pull anxious depressed kids up -or rather help them see that they don't need to be in the low vibe state.
The tricks and tools I use with them, are things I have to constantly apply to myself, and it is actually incredibly helpful to have the reminder. It's a role, that reminds me to be better to myself.

It feels weird though when I am then in a place where I can offer this same knowledge to others, as if I am therapizing them, when really I am just applying the same shit I am trying to practice.

Nicola says there is a difference between relationships that are comforting and those that make you happy. I don't think I know the difference most of the time in romantic relationships, and often even in friendships. What is happiness after all? Is it not a goal?  Is it not a process that at times means being unhappy?

But I was thinking that I spent 2.5 hours yesterday with a friend who is experiencing some low vibes, and that it worried me, made me feel like I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to resist getting sucked in.  I think I did a good job. I think I had a good time. I wasn't eager to run away. I was present when I could be.  And it felt good to see my friend relax a bit during the encounter. I wasn't "playing" a role, but I was utilizing the skills of that role.

I wonder if I seek out people who offer me that opportunity, not just because it feels "good" to "help" but also because it reminds me to be helpful to myself. I highly value honesty, authenticity, integrity, so when I tell someone else to do something, or ask if they are, I know I have to model it myself... and it makes me a better person by wanting to help others be their better selves.









So much of this life is just totally unnatural.

Never in the history of humans have we practiced social distancing to this extent in crisis. Yes, we often have isolated others, but never all of us at once. Plague cities might close up their walls, but inside the people were together. It's totally unnatural to humans to have this much isolation.
So many thoughts, not enough time.




Meditation for today,  "I expect and accept abundance to flow easily to me."

SatCitAnanda

The abundance meditation today (existence, consciousness, bliss). 

It was funny because the activity was to write down the names of people who you feel uncomfortable around sometimes, and I was thinking that that is a ridiculous request when someone has anxiety. 
Everyone?
I've recognized that in my life I feel a lot better when I have a role. I feel more confident and more able to be authentic. Work this week has been a HUGE reminder of this, I am suddenly full of energy and feeling good, grounded, helpful. When I think of discomfort around folks, it's always been the reality that when I can't read someone, don't know what they want from me, or feel like I can't give it in a healthy way, I am uncomfortable. My extended family is a good example. I love them, I want well for them, but I have always felt uncomfortable because I am unsure what the role is. 

With work I am suddenly called upon to be reassuring, to be validating, to challenge but not shame, to reduce tension or increase it in a positive way. I can do that. I leave work and find myself doing it for myself. I can acknowledge my discomfort, my anxiety and work through it. It is a challenge, a healthy one. I can acknowledge my mistakes, my ugliness, the life time of work I will need to do on myself, and it all feels good. I am adapting the mindset I have in the role, and it feels reassuring, healthy, authentic. 

I think back on the relationship with M, and most of my romantic relationships if I am being honest, and see how it was the role of care taking that made me feel energized, and also that left me insecure. What about when they don't need me? What about when I can't give to them? What about when I need them? It's not a great role for relationships, it sets me up for failure. 

I got home last night in a positive mood. I'd done good work, I'd gone for a walk, I'd eaten a healthy dinner. Suddenly it hit me that I would be relatively isolated for the weekend. I had some work to do and a few activities, but mostly I would be alone with my own stuff. My interests and hobbies. My thoughts and feelings. I suddenly felt tired. Maybe it was the carbs. Maybe it was the loneliness. 

I woke up feeling the same. I've talked myself out the funk part. Went for a walk. Had tele therapy. Ate some good food.  Exercised. Meditated. Did some writing. Planned a bit. 

But again, there is still something missing from my life. No judgements. Just a truth. 

So I am experiencing a lot of bliss, and the familiar loneliness of not having someone to share it with.

The meditation for today suggested reframing the speed at which miracles can happen when you call on the universe. "I use my conscious intention to manifest my dreams."  
This is a tricky one for me to believe in, but doesn't hurt to throw it out there. Universe, please send me a conscious partner I can share my life with. Thanks!

There is a degree to which all of this feels a little full of myself -its that thing of not being ok with being happy. There must be something wrong, right? OR  Don't be so full of yourself, you're talking too much about yourself. But with the role, it's easy to just use the positivity to assure others. I believe in you. I believe that these self defeating patterns you've gotten yourself into will resolve, I believe you are capable and good, I believe you will work through stuff and grow. I believe you will add something special to the universe, I believe it because I am experiencing it with you, and I thank you for the gift!  (it's easier with young folks). 

 I am glad to be enjoying life and people, and work and all the things. Need more positive abundant people in my life who want to vibe with me, laugh with me, be curious, etc. 

Also, I am way more touchy than people realize, I've been trying to come to terms with my sex drive again, and my need for physical intimacy... I need more positive touch in my life and have no idea how to do that in a healthy way.   I don't want to spend my whole life being ashamed of my desires, my wants and needs. Likely I need a super monogamous partner with a high sex/touch drive. That would be sooooo reassuring. 

Riding the waves

It is wednesday my dudes.

I took a 2.5 hour nap. I probably shouldn't have, but it won't hurt anything. In the Covid 19 America, there are very few consequences because there are very few expectations.

Self and others
I am feeling good.
The abundance meditations are silly, but helpful to stay on track. A little reminder each day that the universe is not my ego, and that both the universe and my true self are much larger than the limits I set on them.

People have been reaching out to me. I don't think I have been doing a good enough job of telling them how much that makes me feel better about my self and the universe. Yesterday, Lex reached out and said Hi, and that alone made my day. I was thinking that the impact of a traumatic relationship can really bog a person down, -the fact that M seems to have totally rejected me without explanation after a year and a half relationship has really impacted my sense of self, but I think the subtle message I took from chatting with another ex, reminded me that there is always hope with time. People are people, they are basically good, they just need time to figure stuff out.  I need that too. These last few months were a good time for me to delve into things and reconfigure and get back to myself. And I am now feeling a lot better than I had been. But in the end even if we wish it was just about the way we see ourselves, we are an interpersonal species -reminds me of that poem.

"I am pleasant, positive,
all connections aside.
I am driven, good and confident
none from you derived.

Yet I find myself striving,
wondering what you would like,
and it almost feels right
it almost feels right."

Gotta find the balance I guess.

Work

Work has basically made me an outpatient therapist to the 6 kids and their families on my case load -which is the exact same thing I was doing before only now I can use a computer or have them meet me at the office. 

We are allowed to do 2 individual sessions and 1 family session per week. Only half the families have expressed any interest. 

I have been trying to stay active. Today I laminated handouts. Today I interviewed one of my coworkers. I would have preferred it be a one to one. But I learned a lot about her, and I am hoping to get to know the others if they are willing to give me the time. Its kind of like - just at the moment it was starting to feel overwhelming, suddenly the brakes were put on the whole operation and now I have a ton of time to breathe and go slow. I don't want to fuck up, but I also feel more than capable of what I am being asked to do in the immediate. What I don't have is the money to decorate my office right now -credit card debt is adding up. Next months rent is coming out of my first pay check. 

I was thinking one to ones, or a teach back would be a great team building thing. One of my coworkers is on vacation. One is going on maternity leave in a month. One is struggling with fear of the virus. The others are coming in and out of the office at their leisure and trying to find meaningful work. 

I am a little concerned that coming in 6 months into some of these cases is a set back for families, but I am also optimistic that I can build rapport quick and try to move forward. I am not a miracle worker. Teens are going to be teens, I enjoy teens though so it's kind of fun. Their attitude doesn't usually offend me, I just feign that it does. I have all the hopes and dreams for them. 

World

I've been wrestling with the idea of writing up a blog style post on why this whole thing isn't terrifying to me. I think the majority of it is just that I am flipping things to look at the potential bright sides, EG even republicans are considering socialistic policies to combat the potential negative impacts on the economy (the people!). OR as I said in the last post, this pandemic doesn't surprise me. Is it a life time of overthinking the possibilities that has prepped me? Is it the cynicism that says "we deserve this outcome until we choose better choices?"  Is it just looking around and noticing that people are keeping their distance, but still looking out for each other?  Or maybe this feels exactly like how I normally feel -meaning that right now the level of panic and fear that people are openly demonstrating seems to be an accurate expression of how much we should be panicking (only about other things, like climate change). 

The cynic in me reads that 2-4 million US citizens -mostly over the age of 70 would die, and part of me thinks 'well that would help cut down on the pollution and climate decay just a touch. It would be a wealth redistribution so that their kids could pay off their mortgages, or grandkids could pay off student loans.'  

Similarly the reduction in the economy, might make it apparent how unnatural our lifestyles are, and how dependent we are on buying 'stuff' to keep afloat, while we could be doing a better job of redistributing goods and services without the added 'stuff.'

I don't know what the situation is elsewhere. I imagine people in different places are acting all sorts of ways. 

What I hear is that the teens are all at home playing on their phones and driving their parents crazy... (normal). We could have organized them into making meals and distributing food to folks who don't have it. Or doing yard work for folks who can't leave their houses. Or planting gardens to create a more sustainable future. We use to call middle-late stage adolescents off to war, now we send them to their rooms to play video games (my generation too). Why not a conservation corp?  Why not a community health corp?  Why not a day-care corp?  Why not a wilderness survival camp?  Take 50 teens out to the woods and they won't get covid 19, and they will get to know themselves... as humans, it should be apparent to all of us by now that WE are our primary resource, we really ought to do a better job at recognizing human needs and our potential to create a better world. 

Abundance or scarcity

I am sick. I am ok, but sneezy/coughing, and on quil.
I am beginning my (third) but really second week next week and school is cancelled. What will we do?  The instructions said stay home if you are sick, but I feel like I have a regular cold, and not the big covid 19 corona virus. What will this pandemic bring to our world?

I have been struggling to take it seriously. It seems like a natural cycle that we should embrace, and if not, then we should be better prepared to work through our interconnectedness rather than isolating and tearing things down. But outbreaks are going to happen, and maybe even be healthy for us. I would be devastated if people I knew were dying, but I would also recognize that some of this is natural. Like you can hate cancer, but cancer is still part of life. I will continue to pray for all of us, but I am not gonna live in fear of this bullshit.

This weekend I have been in isolation. I went out a few times, but limited contact. It has felt kind of disheartening. I spent most of yesterday playing computer games, and told myself that today would be work. I will probably do some work, but instead i've meditated, watched some videos, done some reading (for work), and went to the laundromat. In general, I feel ok. I am planning on going for a walk soon.

Work has been overwhelming, but it definitely feels like something that will be good for me in the long run. I am excited by the people and enjoying the students. I can imagine that once I get the basics of the job down, I will be more likely to have some influence. I'd love to move up and be a supervisor eventually. I think I can offer a lot.
There have been a few things that have felt a little disappointing, but in general I am really optmistic that it will be a good fit.

The one thing about this isolation, and work beginning, and knowing that life will be sort of standardized for a little while, is that I am very aware that I do not have a partner to share life with.
I woke up a few days ago with this realization, that even exciting things are not as exciting, and yesterday I was really feeling it again. All day inside playing a computer game and no reason not to.

I am a little sad that it wasn't a more productive weekend, but oh well. It appears as if the next few weeks I will have lots of time. Have to be adaptable. Have to see the abundant opportunities.

It was M's birthday. I was freaking out about it, in part because I had told myself it would be the last time I intentionally said hi. I asked Illy to confirm that it wasn't a crazy idea, that I wasn't just dwelling. I sent a short text. She didn't respond. I am still stuck in that question of... did I do something wrong? Is she just over me? Has she moved on and suddenly learned boundaries?  Is there something going on with her (in the moment OR like seriously?)   but none of these questions matter. I felt good that I said Hi, and I feel good that it will be the last time I reach out to her. Why desire a relationship with someone who doesn't appreciate you? I HOPE THAT I CAN REMEMBER THIS IN THE NEXT ROUND.

I really want to live my life in a higher vibration, in a place of abundance, in a positive space. I want to seek out new experiences, growth, healing, and recognize that fear and pain are not the end, but something you work through to get to a better place. I want to believe and live out the messages I would share with my students/clients, and I want to meet people who do this too, and bring them into my life. Bring high vibrations to our lives, and spread that positive growth mindset.

I need really strong, smart, reflective people in my life. People who believe in me, and want the best for me. I am not trying to step down anymore to pull folks up.

The mantra for today "Today I behold the abundance that surrounds me."  The task, write 50 names of people that have influenced your development, I wrote a page and could continue for another hour. I think I have been blessed. I think I need to continue to acknowledge these blessings daily, and continue to invite them into my life.  "So ham (hum)" I am that.

admire our truculence

Sometimes you gotta try to be ok with the anger.

I woke up late, couldn't sleep last night. Felt off all day. 
Hung out with a friend and she shared about her new relationship, and it was really exciting, I felt happy for her. 

I went to target in St. Paul, 
all of my memories over there lead to feeling dissatisfied. Some of them leave me fearful, some hurt, some angry. The anger is so powerful because I want to have the memories of good things without feeling these negative feelings. Why should a positive memory be spoiled? And I am angry at her for not wanting to repair or heal. The milk is sour. 

I wondered if I would run into her. 
If I had run into her yesterday I could have said "I love you, I wish you well" and walked away with a smile on my face.
Today I was irritable, if I had run into her I would have wanted to argue. I would have assumed she'd lie to my face. I would have fallen into the trap of confusion and resented her for it. I would have felt choked, and then lashed out with words.
Or maybe none of it. But I found myself recognizing how angry I was... and then I came back to Minneapolis and I wasn't angry anymore. I was frustrated for a while, and then I was fine. 

I want what my friend has. I want a partner who steps towards me, works with me, communicates honestly, creates a shared reality. I thought I had found someone capable of that, but she didn't want it, her own fears, her own priorities... all too different. Not ready.

I gotta move forward. 

From any source but your own

(I like this title better than "gaslighting" or reality shifting/warping, but this post is about these kinds of topics)

I was loosely watching this Teal Swan video on gaslighting, I say loosely because I hadn’t had enough coffee and was multitasking, but it was sinking in, and I think the loose associations allowed me to apply without directly following her train of thought. More than likely this is all an amalgamation of the different things I have read/seen and experienced personally over the years. I’ve probably written all of this before, but a recent chat with a friend has brought it to mind and these are things I need to recognize. 

What I was thinking about is the specific aspect of how people who gaslight are protecting their own reality. So, when I gaslight others I am protecting my reality at the expense of theirs, and vice versa. And we do this mostly subconsciously when we are feeling vulnerable or worried about being vulnerable. I know that in high conflict situations I am more likely to do this when I am feeling attacked and need to protect some core sense of self. Some do this more often than others, and we tend to say people who do this all the time have either personality disorders or are diminished in their capacity for perspective taking –meaning either children or folks who we generally label as being outside the mental/cognitive norms -folks who have experienced trauma, some folks on the autism spectrum, folks with neurocognitive disorders/injuries, or some other mental illness that is interfering with their abilities.  

So one way of thinking of this might be that some folks are reality shifters. They are people who struggle to shift their own reality away from what serves them, and thus insist on shifting/warping other’s reality. 

There is nothing inherently wrong with having your own reality, we all do, but reciprocal relationships and social interaction require balancing rigidity and flexibility of personal reality in order to function well within social groups, -have the capacity to relate to others, share in their sense of reality etc. But people who are reality shifters, struggle to be flexible and it is because they are fear based –in self-protection mode/scarcity mode. They can’t see why they wouldn’t grab for what serves them, and can’t acknowledge/have empathy for those it harms because that would cause too much cognitive dissonance around their sense of self. 

Other folks struggle with maintaining a sense of personal reality, a sense of self, so they are too easily influenced, and by being so are not genuine or able to have reciprocal relationships. Along with people who have a diminished sense of self, folks who seek out other perspectives or have an easy time of understanding other people’s perspectives are more likely to be taken advantage of (caretakers/empaths/truth seekers). 

And all of us are also in-between, going back and forth on the spectrum trying to find the right balance between stagnancy and change, between personal reality and shared reality. The degree to which we can share reality is for most of us an indication of the degree to which we can be vulnerable, trust, take responsibility, hold folks accountable, give, have intimacy, or in other words, how close the relationship is. 

Folks who reality shift others, create a sense of closeness by requiring the other to be in their reality (which feels like closeness, but isn’t reciprocal). It’s an artificial closeness that isn’t necessarily loving, but due to the shared reality may feel like intimacy. It’s a good trick, but it becomes detrimental to both people because it isn’t really true.  

(I am fascinated with the concept of "attraction" because it is such an interesting part of the human experience) 

From this lens, why am I attracted to people who reality shift? Why are they “charming?”

I think there are a number of attractions to this type of person:

1) They offer a sense of intimacy that mimics real closeness, and for someone like me who feels capable of offering ‘understanding’ to anyone, strong feelings of closeness seem to suggest a greater sense of significance (chemistry/karma/star-crossed love). 

2) There is a sense that I am special because I am able to have that closeness with them, whereas others (I am assured) are not. This competition has a huge impact on the ego, and reinforces a certain sense of self. 

3) They are steadfast in their reality so I get a sort of false reprieve from having to balance my own. This is something I often think about with my anxiety -I am exhausted with myself. Anxiety is like constantly testing your reality, and it is annoying, so having someone else make the decisions is reassuring and from a certain perspective feels like they are caring for me.

4) I have savior/ helper issues. There is a certain amount of responsibility that I take on in these relationships. It is both the feeling that I know the person better than others therefor can help better than others, AND the idea that I can help this person feel safe/expand their reality and ability to take others perspectives –in other words, teach them to “grow up.” I see them as both vulnerable and extremely capable, and assume with the right support (because this is my world view) that they would grow out of these self-protective behaviors. The fact that these people are complex but rigidly focused on protecting a simplified version of themselves is something I am endeared to. My reality includes an ability to appreciate complexity, so I believe this is part of the reality I have to share with them in my attempts to be reciprocal, but ultimately, I lose my reality to theirs because mine is too flexible and theirs is not. Because I see myself as a helpful person, I only feel justified in removing myself when it starts to impact my other relationships and responsibilities. 

5) Reality testing my own sense of self. I think on a certain soul/subconscious level, there is a desire in me to test myself, and I don’t find it difficult with most people to both take their perspective and maintain my own. In most interactions, I feel a sense of unease, but I feel very confident in my ability to process this unease and come to an understanding of who I am and what I believe afterward. I am especially attracted to people who have strong perspectives because they allow me to test my own sense of self, my own reality. I think in more intimate relationships this is an even stronger drive. I often find myself attracted to “characters” people who are complex and interesting and require a lot of self-reflection on my part to not get lost in or repulsed by. I find these humans to be especially beautiful/or repulsive because they are often so unaware of their own complexity and contradictions. (Consider Trump as a character and he is fascinating, consider him as a president and he is repulsive). 

Specific parts of self that I am reality testing: 

Sense of self as an empath –testing my ability to maintain my sense of self given my desire/nature to be understanding and able to take others perspectives. 

Sense of self as living out values –why don’t I put up boundaries that would protect my sense of self/my reality from these folks? Because my values suggest they are worthy, and their perspective is worthy, and that to exclude or push them away would be sinful (some word that means the same).  

Sense of self as a person who has experienced rejection: how much of the desire to attend to the wounded, comes from the experience of being wounded? A desire for personal healing through healing others. EG Listen to them because you weren’t listened to. 

6) A subtle addition to the last one, is this I am a truth seeker, I am looking to understand and develop a greater perspective. I want to test my own reality (#5), but I also want to learn about and explore all perspectives. Why do I love science, religion, art, psychology? I love learning about myself and the universe. I am not searching for a single truth, but ultimate dimensional truths, and learning from these folks who are so sure of themselves (whether their perspective is that they are victims of the universe, or masters of it) is a perspective that is fascinating. Their perspectives are often an exaggerated sense of what we are all feeling or thinking, and therefor are easy to learn from. 

7) Trauma bonding: In most cases, there is both a bond through the trauma that is experienced together (conflict/manipulation/etc), as well as a bond to the trauma that the other person has experienced. When someone shares their deepest hurts, it is impossible to walk away without being impacted and I bring far too much of that into myself. 

8) I desire novelty/drama: I have created a very predictable life, and yet, I have a desire for excitement. For me, that includes the internal experiencing of a range of feelings and thoughts that are not provoked by others who I feel less close with, or are more predictable, or are less "interesting."

9) My IMAGO, subconscious attraction to those who reinforce familiar sense of reality (often damaged sense of self). Maybe this should be first and foremost, but the reality is that this pattern of behavior – the other person’s reality mattering more than mine, is a familiar pattern I learned in childhood, and they are simply reinforcing the familiar in a variety of ways by taking up more space, or speaking louder, their thoughts and feelings mattering more, their negative behaviors are excusable while mine are not, their positive behaviors are rewarded while mine are invisible, etc.  This isn’t something they do intentionally, and it isn’t something I seek out consciously, but it is true that they are recreating a familiar sense of reality for me. (Likewise, no one in my childhood was trying to create this sense of reality for me, but it took shape nevertheless). 

10) Trusting feelings -Closely related to (#9) is the sense of deserving the feeling. Both the highs and the lows. It is an ego and heart issue. In my moments of grandiosity, I believe I deserve the fantasy star-crossed-happy-ever-after moments that feel like the universe is hugging my luckyass self, and in the moments of pain and suffering, I feel I deserve to feel worthless, invisible, guilty, ashamed, and easily rejected.  Aren't I damaged goods after all? The external experience is matching the internal experience, and so it feels true.   How could it be wrong if it feels true? The reality that is created by the reality shifter makes sense, so why would I question it? -other than the nagging feeling that something is horribly wrong- which if true would mean I have to confront my own damaged sense of self -which is way too vulnerable, so why not gaslight myself into the false reality? So easy to just say to myself -"It feels confusing because you are confused." "It feels hurtful, because you are too wounded and sensitive."  both of which are true but not for the reason I am telling myself. 

Disappointment

I know it is silly, but my horoscope and my tarot reader lady said that I might fall in love today, or begin the journey. I don't think that has happened yet. Maybe in the next 3 hours. Probs not.

What did happen was that I spent a lot of the day listening to the heads of my company lecture, and mostly agreed with them.
What did happen was that I got frustrated with their presumptions and wanting to hear themselves talk.

What did happen was I got my car back and it looks very nice, but I realized doesn't drive as smoothly as the little race car I had as a rent a car.

What did happen was I got to visit Illy's new apartment and see her and R, and that was a fun hour.

And lastly (so far)  what did happen was I had my likely last session of neurofeedback (at least for a while) and went on another rollercoaster. I don't really get the process, how it works, why it works, the program is supposed to operantly condition me back into a place where my brain is working well. But instead half the time I feel dizzy and unsettled. Sometimes I end up feeling nauseous and worry I will throw up. Sometimes I feel excited and happy, and today I went from really excited to sad, and then began to cry in the session. The sequence was something like "wow those are bright colors, this feels good, I am happy, I am excited... oh the song changed, oh I am less happy, oh I feel kind of heavy, oh I'm sad...." -and this is where I said to her, "did something change?" and she responded no, and I said "I'm not as happy. I'm kind of sad now."  "how do I get back to the happiness?" and she said something about how the program was supposed to teach me to bring it back, but instead I stopped listening and then my brain went into shame/sad/grief spiral and though the thoughts weren't fully conscious, it was something along the lines of "you fucked up, you're never gonna be happy again." and within a few minutes, even though i was trying to stop being sad, I couldn't, it just kept hitting me and then I was crying...
She changed the frequency and the sadness disappeared. Suddenly I was laughing at myself, and saying this was too fucked up. 
By the end of the session she got me into a state that I would describe as calm and appreciative. I wasn't happy, or energized. my stomach was tight, but I was able to think clearly and follow the music and appreciate the visuals... and the feelings. It was where I would say I spend the majority of my time trying to get to. Stay calm, stay in control. appreciate, think clearly. I am not excited in that state, I am not happy, but I am content. 

Neurofeedback is weird AF. I recommend it, but I don't think it is for me. I am simply too weirded out by it. 

Human

It was my first day of work.

I was considering vlogging, creating an entertaining story, trying to emphasize and enjoy...

I am not a great story teller, and I don't use helpful analogies or frameworks nearly enough.

I was thinking about how many questions I ask, and how sometimes they are not helpful for the peeps around me, but they are helpful for me.

I was thinking about how difficult it is to give people corrective feedback, and how sometimes I don't know if it is important enough.

I got out of work at 4:30 and I was exhausted.  I know that this won't always be the case. I didn't sleep well last night. But it made me wonder how I will spend these weeknights. I think I will need to schedule things, or nothing will ever happen.

Not sure what will happen in life.

I felt moments of doubt and excitement, confidence and insecurity, curiosity and disinterest.  I suppose today I was a human.

fears

I am starting a new job tomorrow, but I am struggling again.
Its kind of like a lot of the pain and fear just jumped right back into my heart and mind.
I went to church and felt better for a while. I know I need to do the dishes, clean up and organize my space, go for a walk, check in with someone, fill out some paperwork.
None of this is difficult. None of this is high stakes. None of this matters all that much.

I woke up alone without anyone to encourage me forward, all the fears of not being enough, of not having the right support, of being let down and disappointed again flooded back.
If I give it my best?
If I try my hardest?
If I fail anyway because I am really not enough? Because I haven't found balance, because I haven't secured the support I need.
What then...

Its been three months since I had a job. I am excited, and also worried that I am still not ready for the next steps in life. I want to believe this job opens opportunities, that things will get better from here, that my desires and needs will be rewarded by people who are equally invested, want to live from the heart and have it be recognized, but I am afraid.

I know I will move forward despite my fear.
I know things will get better and that this feeling is temporary.
But right now, I just need to acknowledge it.
Need to acknowledge my fears and hurts and little weak spots that will probably always be there.