So yesterday was the annual take back the night event. Im pretty sure Ash and Glaza were running it and planned the whole thing and i thought they did a great job except, maybe it was the wrong day. There were at least 6 events on campus last night and take back the night is way too deep and responsibility inciting to be a popular event. So the numbers were low and those who spoke even fewer but at least they got what they needed out. I was hoping more would show up. I was hoping there would be more than 5 guys there and this one girl got up and said that, she said men must be included to make the change and i couldnt agree more, which is why i went around advertising to guys. and not a person showed. disappointing.

for those who dont know Take Back the Night is an event, where victims of abuse domestic, sexual etc, come together and reclaim their right to not be afraid. To speak out against their abusers and tell others what they went through, share the experience so many others have had so that they dont have to feel alone in their suffering and so that by example they can help others who have or will be in their position in the future.

I wrote a poem, i wont put it on here.
I read it at the open mic following take back the night, the open mic is a completely seperate event I read "customs" "his majesty" "shame and school work" and the new one. People responded well.

Many of the normal cats were there and it felt kind of good like being back in a club where we all appreciate eachother's gifts, even if we talk shit behind eachothers backs occassionally. (everyone is a critic)

there were two other poets and i enjoyed them a lot. Different styles too bad i was nervus and couldnt pay enough attention.


tonight i go on this retreat for the wellness center. Peer health educators and shit, we are really just hanging out tonight and manana we drive back here and get educated on the things we might need to help people with.
um it would be a good event cept i got 2 papers and a test on monday as well as some reading in which i got to turn in questions to the teacher the night before, which means my weekend is gonna suck. but after monday i think i get to relax a bit, ust lots of reading....

you's is a wonder amazement bows down to you and with thou's magnificence we all wonder what our own problem is...

Another one from Krystin and her dad


Donald Rumsfeld and George Bush are having their daily briefing.

Just before they finish Rumsfeld tells Bush "Oh and yesterday 3
Brazilian
soldiers were killed"

Bush is horrified.

He puts his head in his hands and weeps uncontrollably.

His staff look on in stunned silence at this show of emotion by their
president.
Eventually Bush raises his head and asks "Donald, How many is 3
brazillion" ????????



I promise i will post soon...

First off: its very clear that my site hasn't fixed itself so I may be changing formats soon.
second: comments now require you to type in a password PLEASE DON'T GET DISCOURAGED BY THIS I WANT MORE COMMENTS THEN EVER but its to keep those damn advertisements away.
third: blogger needs a spell check (that I will remember to use) cuz um after reviewing some posts GEEZ cover my mouth I mean some of these aren't even remotely correct, and others are stupid mistakes because my fingers are too big and I don't look at the screen or the keys (I look at the air in between, can u see air?) anyway...

this weekend

saw my family,
saw system of a down and the mars volta and a band called hella (personally I like the mars volta the best--but I'm guessing everyone else liked system more. The crowd was very violent and aggressive at that point and I was sort of worried about Becky and some other things so it was hard to just relax and enjoy...

but the mars volta played like maybe 6-7 songs total in like an hour and I'd say 65-75% of each song was either improvised or at least not what was played on the cds. So I had a blast...
um and I didn't get as much homework as I wanted done, and I have been day dreaming all day about possible going to Europe but I will figure that out and tell people when I know more.
Peace and love
-taff

feel free to disagree but after breaking down and building back up at least once tonight, im still fairly sure that if i lost 20 lbs (or gained 20 in muscle) and had bluer eyes i would be a lot more attractive. this isnt what i broke down about -but its funny how insecurities (things you are worried about and dont feel like u have any control over) get transformed into things u might actually be able to change and often do have control over...




(and by funny i mean really really sad)

it might say a lot that i liked this but marcy had this written as her away message
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society -Krishnamurti"

pretty true,

scott s had a good one too but i wont attempt to recreate, it was good though,

"this is what happens when you find a stranger in the alps" censored version of the big lebowski

A long music post, specifically about the band Goldfinger


So i was standing in the 4b shower and started singing these two songs, (they are in order on the cd, and the first one is only a minute long so, the next one just naturally followed.
anyway this first song describes the 4b shower incredibly well...
""My Girlfriend's Shower Sucks"

The temperature changes
It chills me to the bone
It makes me wish that I was
cleaning myself at home

It makes me grumpy and
sometimes I lose hope
The water's hard, so I can
never rinse the soap

and it's got no pressure
The water dribbles down on me
and it's got no pressure
It's like the shower's going pee"

"Miles Away"

How deep is your love?
How deep is the ocean?
How deep is the sea?
and how deep is my love?

How deep is your love?
How deep is the ocean?
How deep is the sea?
and how deep is my love?

[Chorus]

It's miles away
Miles away
Miles away
Yeah miles away

How much do you want?
and how far can I take you?
How bad does this hurt?
How much do I want you?

How blind can I be?
so when can I see you?
Will it ever be?
and how deep is my love?

[Chorus]
[Chorus]

Let's go

[Chorus]

SO I immediately realized i hadnt made goldfinger available on my comp (itunes) yet and i thought, "that just isnt right."
then i started thinking about it and what the band means to me, yeah they are mostly jokes, angsty punk and break up songs, but this was me teen years right here. watching zack skateboard, playing tony hawk and rockin out with pete and foulkes, even doing the skits they have inbetween songs with them...

"yuo get crabs you know big deal,"
"nithin a little flea soap wont cure"
"yeah just fucking scrub em"


so then i was thinking... why do i like these guys so much? like i mean besides the fun.. and i realized they do have some emotional shit to offer, i mean maybe not "donut dans gonna get hummer from a man"
but like i totally used this one to work on issues with my dad

"Too Late"

The young boy has
turned into a man
and he's growing stronger
he's battled through things
he thought he could
go on no longer
father stood by his side
wanting nothing more
than just be his dad
but pride only answers
to one call
he only condemns him

and if the boy only knew
the father's pain
the nights that he
stayed up late
wondered why
doesn't he see the future
is so bleak so bleak

father's retired now
he's left with tv and rest
the weight of the world
and what did he do wrong
has gone to his chest
he had such a good life
the family he loved
were all by his side
to his son he whispered
goddamn this pride

so fuck i'm all by myself
now you've gone away
you've left me
all by myself
with that fucked up
thing you said
if i could forgive myself
you knew the way
now i'm all by myself
and i'm sorry

but if you only knew
your son's pain
how bad that he wanted
you to say
you're doing just fine
you turned out to be
one good guy
but it's too late"



and me and kristen would play "99 red balloons" (a cover) on our radio show inbetween fuckin around and forgetting i couldnt swear, asking like a monkey.

so my conclusion is i need to get more goldfinger cds
besides they work on animal rights stuff... so thas cool.

from krystin's dad
Sad and sort of funny


A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window
and
asks, "What happened?"

Terrorists kidnapped President Bush and are asking for a $10 million
ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse him with gasoline and set him
on
fire. We are going from car to car to take up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving on average?"

"About a gallon."

Shame and School Work

What ridiculous silliness, longing for belonging, clothes shed, no secrets held and parts lost to the fragrance of excited desire, languid strolls though I’ve repent, exhumed the somewhat presumed lack of strength, disgusted meekly given in, finding I’m repugnantly backwards bent, and invitations for reclamation soon find stamps missing, though signed and sealed, the date is un-commissioned and unapproved of,--of shocking disposition, control lacked, to shame submissive, placated derision intellectualized -just in time to grab a book, head off to lecture, lacking: motivation, completed homework and self direction.

if anyone can tell me whats up with my blog (like why it looks funny) please do, i dont know anything about formatting but i dont think i did this to it.

also how the fuck do u get rid of those junk advertisements?

i ask as if u know..



also "i want a new drug"

Lately i think i have been like getting the wrong impressions from people. Like they are saying one thing and i hear something else, and often times this leads me to feel disappointed later. Or make a big fool of myself at the time. this is not convenient...
I feel like even when i try to do things right, I am doing them wrong, or not to the specifications implied.



mike the rock just hooked me up with some mitch hedberg cds and i am relatively excited. (i am excited i just dont want to make it sound like im about to get off on a cd or something)

speaking of which, disappointment over the last few weeks led me to not being interested in certain things, now its the opposite, and i dont know what to do about it.

I feel i showed post and dont have much to say, im actually avoiding homework, the homework i have been looking forward to the fun/easy homework. Counseling tomorrow, its weird because im seeing a psychoanalyst-ic dude, and im as curious about the process and what we will come up with (what i will hide, share) as i am concerned about what is going on in my life now. So I worry/wonder what i will talk about when i get there, do i say everything is fine so that he can start analyzing my past? or concentrate and delay so he has a better understanding of what im going through now?
What sorts of interesting things will i learn about myself, will he judge? will i be too ashamed to say anything in the first place? will it not come up because i dont direct it in that direction and he doesnt know to look?

This seems to be a question i have with several things in life, how much honesty is too much? is it safe? do i tell people right away or wait till they like me.



i just redislocated my big toe on my right foot, this happens anytime i put too much pressure on it, and it hurts but i dont know how to fix it, so i walk on it till it feels comfortable again.

one of the +'s so far of living up here all alone is that i have been listening to more music than usual, which is great i forgot how much i enjoy so much of it.
one of the -'s is that i often wonder what is going on in the lounge downstairs, a great conversation? a movie? a great tv show? someone who needs to talk? people doing homework? playing games?
what am i missing? and will they come get me? probably not but i might be lucky enough to get an IM before they run off to their fun.

___________________________________________________________________________________
I painted for like 4 hours today, and by painted i mean i painted or talked to people while i thought about painting, it is really coming along, but still i am out of ideas, i ust make it up and much of it will be filler now since im at that point of the picture
__________________________________________________________________________________
two very different IM convos with erica and mike the rock -mucho fun.


peace and love yall

My history teacher went out of her way to tell me that she is happy i speak up in class, I always feel like im bothering everyone (cuz i talk so much) but its a discussion class and 65% of the time no one has anything to say. That means i get to rant...

funny, with all the e mails and calls, and pleas to come home, i choose to come home the weekend both my parents are gone. They are divorced so thats odd.
got to see my girls i guess one last time for a bit. Like illy was telling me, we couldnt force a deep convo but its good too, cuz we didnt push it like we needed a date, a thought or feeling set in stone, as if were both well aware and sure that things will be aight and we shall see eachother and talk many more times. I hope she has a great time in france. maybe i can find a way to visit.

Aimee and nick and tony and I went to see the twins play, they beat the white sox 5 to nothin with a couple of homeruns and it was all well and good.

shortly after saying my goodbyes i made the 2 and half hour journey back to morris in 2 hours. which was fun... though a bit worrisome.

also i had dinner with james and herm, found some thai food i will eat (it wasnt necessarily thai)

and upon return to morris i listened to sage francis, louden wainwright III and the first system of a down (on tape)

and then we played risk. and i spent the night wondering if becky was in her room or out having fun, and if i'd get to see her.

i owe you guys a post me thinks, trouble is i dont know what to say, how deep to go etc.
I am in a new room, suppose i can tel everyone the number now...
not on here though

Its a nice room, it doesnt really have much of the fixings as it were, and its kind of dirty and sticky already which was here when i got here so not my fault. i feel bad for this floor cuz im moving in and planning to spend most of my time downstairs.The feeling isnt the same up here, and i do sort of worry that it wont be the same down there either. So the room is still in the works, maybe get some art up. buy some tape!

Im sort of crabby and im not sure if its just cuz i woke up late and missed my first two classes again (thats like 3-4 times already) its getting silly, and im getting mad at myself, so i will probably have to buy a new alarm clock. (not cuz the old one sucks but to have two.

Im going home this weekend and i think its good and important for two reasons, A #1 i might get to see my girls for the last time in a long time, and i miss them. B #2 i think i need some time away from here to get some perspective. Because i am all confused about where am at ------this started this morning, last night i sort of let myself down, and im not saying it was like a bad thing, just all of a sudden im worried that this new understanding or self confidence i have had the last week or so will run away, its a mean sense of forboding.

I have been making it to the class i have the most work in, and also the one i find the most fun. We discuss women in the middle ages (europa) and i tend to want to make it a middle age to modern class but im learning to control myself. This friend of becky's is in there and for some reason i feel like i have to prove to him that im smart. Its odd, because we could probably be really good friends but i doubt he is interested in being friends with me. He probably knows me as the kid tim and kristen hung out with occasionally.

I havent been self analyzing the way i should these past few weeks. maybe thats why im feeling better.
i need to shower.

i wish i had some words of wisdom or a quote or a poem but i only got old shit.

so here is some funny babble

It’s the differences that make us special

There is a difference between a cow and a man
Cuz cows can’t waltz but humans can
And humans have breasts
And cows have utters
Cows make milk and humans make butter
I’m pretty sure, that cows don’t drink coffee
And humans don’t eat grass they eat chocolate and toffee

46 chromosomes make us humans who we are
but cows have more or less cuz cows cant drive a car
and people always saying that cows taste good
but humans taste like chicken and cows only wish they could
so the many differences between humans and cows are plain to see
but whether its better or worse is opinion, I know a cow I’d rather be.

a state of being
Some small unused portion and we place upon it such significance as if our dire fated consequences were of some real consequence as if to say “hey look away” and gaily we’d see yesterday, fluttering upon the trembling ocean waves and wonder,
why we allowed the sway struggling against the casual rasp, the wind that day did trump our strength,
and fall and filter out our normal troubles, trembling in soaked blue jeans and craving some sustenance shaking off our hazy gaze we sat admiring our truculence.

"Chain smoking worries
a flutter a flight
caught up in the secrets of today
the shadows passing in the night

bow and ribbon packaging
newspaper, cheap the wrap
flustered, boxing our hearts away
how quick we turn to shield and strap

and with this panic conscious preparation
guilt, forgiveness, queasy, trite
overcoming love we hope not hatred
trapped by shadows we failed to site"




Mike the rock left me this mysterious note, and then left, the last time someone did this to me i freaked out for a few hours. Its hard to be a worrier. you spend half your time so freaked out that something bad has happened to someone else and the other half worrying something bad is about to happen to you.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


we saw this guy Lauden wainwright last night, i wasnt expecting much and got a hell of a lot more than i was expecting, he's rufus's dad. he had the right combo of saw and funny and meaningful and different to really hit you right and be entertaining allthewhile.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

this weekend has been really slow, but in a nice way, like gentle relaxationg to the point of boredom but not overcome with it, more just accepting.
the problem is now you gotta jump out do homework etc. easier said than done. i slept in all friday morning and was only semi prepped for my friday afternoon class. i told myself i would be on top of this shit this year, but oh well. i guess i gotta get back on the walrus.

(my comp is starting to slow, this is not good)

we were up till 8 AM so i told myself i had to be up by 2 and get moving, i have yet to do the moving.


speaking, i dont know if i mentioned this, but i may not get a room upstairs because they might move hurricane victims in which is pretty cool. me thinks





peace and love, (my art is only half done and im out of ideas, and im forcing as it is, and i was supposed to have it done this weekend)



fair day to ya

'under your tongue im like a tab
i will give you what you're not supposed to have" ~ pearl jam


shed, anyway, yall should check out kanye west on ebaumsworld if u want some truth in ya life.

the short of it is "george bush doesnt care bout black people"

um its the weekend ooh well not yet, but i did take the morning off to catch up on some beauty sleep. the art project im working on is coming along aight, got some shit, will probaby either post it or make it my facebook pic after ,maybe both.

got some shit to read, but basically im only slightly behin on my reading.

so far the class im taking as a fun class is still looking the best.

im seeing a psychoanalysist once a week, i havent been as depressed lately.

got the info for india last night, bombay, knchipuram, bangalore, rohtak,jaipur, ranthambore, agra, and delhi are the places we checkin out, and dont feel bad if u aint heard of all of em.. (me either)
apparently there will be some "off days" when we visit safari parks, so it sounds very similar to trips i have taken before. overly powerful culture shock then relax back and forth, i already know like 3 kids going so it will be fun, and when i come back hopefully i will have changed a bit for the better.
w will be working with some kids and maybe some women's shelters so thas cool as well.

maybe check out that exorcism movie tonight, or manana,
im coming (pardon the pun) up on a month of not doing *anything* its a strange feeling, its sort of like an accomplishment but what does it prove, nada...

full of bullshit


im very silly, i wrote someone an e mail earlier explainin how i need to start thinking more about myself and not what they think of me and such, really to pick myself up and get back on track, and ever since i wrote it i been sitting around waiting for a response like i need their permission to get started, still feelings is feelings eh?

From my older brother

"Hey kids,

My roomates and I will be throwing our first annual September 10th party
this Saturday at 9:00 p.m.

We live at 2724 Pleasant Ave in South Minneapolis. Map at:

directions

We're hoping for a mix of fantasy football fans, lefty political hacks, and
people who enjoy corn nuts and beer.

We'll have a keg (small donation appreciated) a blender, plenty of room, and
two clean bathrooms. We ask you to come and bring at least one friend
(boyfriend, co-worker, ex-wife), and to R.S.V.P. so we know how many kegs
and chairs to get. Show up anytime but expect to stay late.

Hope to see you Sat,

J"

I broke down in fron of becky yesterday. I've been doing that a lot, but it seemed really odd because i hadnt dealt with that particular issue in a long time- nt in that way, and it seemed even odder that it seemed to be the same trigger i was thinking about some stuff my dad had said)
One of the things im having the hardest time with is my seeming lack of coping skills. for years i felt like i had been gaining the knowledge and self awareness to deal with whatever came up, and for some reason right now all of the knowledge just doesnt apply. I feel like im like 14 again. I feel depressed and anxious and unneeded and unwanted, and unworthy and unlovable. (im currently describing myself in general terms right now im feeling okay...) but even considering i feel okay i have this impending sense of that ending at any moment and that tends to remind me im not the same person, or at least im off my game.

yesterday it said something like "playas live here" on me and tom's door, my initial reaction was like "thats stupid bullshit and i hope no one actually thinks this shit" and then i just thought it was really funny, because me and tom are like the opposite of playas, we get confused and talkative every time some little thing goes wrong, we have a hard time even pretending we are not upset when we feel like someone is mad at us or hurt or doesnt like us.
its kind of funny...

dreams of californication...

SO, time to complain. (Sorry, im just sick of doing it to people in person)
I have been really weird lately, if you haven’t been paying attention, I’ve talked to a lot of people about it including a counselor here at school. It’s been awhile since I saw someone professionally on a weekly basis and I think that’s what this will be. He wanted me to focus on my pain, as in what exactly im feeling, focus so as to be able to put it in context and express it, but my mind was jumping. He also assigned me homework, which I have only done in my head so far and will probably do after this. or maybe during this.
So the things that seem weird are like, I’ll be enjoying the day, the company the smiles. The music or whatever. Then the second I get bored or feel left out or want something more, I will just fall into a steep depression, and its like I know that by talking to people or whatever I can usually overcome it, but most of the time I don’t have a good reason and thus its hard to communicate, hard to communicate that this feeling is much more than just adjusting to a different relationship. Hard to put a change into a context of feeling like people will always come to a point of wanting to reject me. Hard to communicate when this whole thing doesn’t seem worthy enough to bother anyone.

So I sulk, I get quiet. I contemplate too much, and worry about what is and isn’t ok. I worry one minute that we will never get back together and the next that we will without solving any problems and end up in a worse off place then we are now, and sometimes I worry that it will be too late, when we are finally ready and we will have already vacated each other’s lives. I tend to express these worries and concentrate on this one thing, but really the feelings reach out beyond this relationship, its just that that loss hurts more than the thought of losing any other.

I worry so much that I don’t enjoy the activities around me and sometimes desperately want the night to end, so that I don’t have to think or worry or sometimes run into people cuz I worry they will get sick of me moping around, and I wouldn’t blame them...

I worry most of the time that im not needed or wanted and though people reassure me on a daily basis and I love them for it, all it takes is like one thought to be back where I was before the pep talk- and I cant imagine that doesn’t get old.

Its really great in some ways, I feel like I’m being more honest with myself and others, I feel like in some ways its humbled me enough to realize how beautiful people are, but the draining aspects keep me from enjoying them sometimes.

I find my interests and such coming back occasionally and though this is exciting it really really worries me. It worries me because I don’t want to sink back into how I was, so hung up and dependent on some shallow shit that I let it get in the way of something far more important to me, or being hooked on games and shallow competition in which I’m not available for hours.
I don’t want to watch movies for 12 hours a day, or read books that way, desperately trying to escape or find some excitement in a life other than my own, but all these things in small dosages should be okay, I just don’t know where to draw the line. or sleeping/dreams I went to bed at like 11 with every other person still awake last night, and I really wanted someone to come wake me up but I’m sure they felt that would be rude, especially if they had no reason, but it would have felt great to me, just to have someone ask me for anything.


I feel like I’m faking just about everything, like I’m restricting myself pretending I don’t care.

and this shit sucks so much that I’m tempted to go back, and then I haven’t really learned anything but how all these stupid worries are self defeating and that’s not what negative feelings are for. (I’m having such a hard time phrasing things all of a sudden)

so I guess I really don’t have anything to say at all... I just don’t have great coping skills right now.

I don’t mean to end this on a note of like my life is going to shit, I think its actually going really well right now I just don’t seem to be able to appreciate it like I should. Im fairly optimistic about the future. Im entirely sure that im surrounded by great people. Both here and at home and like everywhere. Just wish I felt confident I had something to offer them, so I didn’t feel so uncomfortable and insecure about asking for their reassurance.

"No more to gain
Needing the ugliness that surrounds
Return again
Caught in the medicine handed down "
~guster

(really just using this to update a link)

this semester is a test of will power in everyway, and so far im doing aight, bt its hard not to listen to feelings and urges.