Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

SO, time to complain. (Sorry, im just sick of doing it to people in person)
I have been really weird lately, if you haven’t been paying attention, I’ve talked to a lot of people about it including a counselor here at school. It’s been awhile since I saw someone professionally on a weekly basis and I think that’s what this will be. He wanted me to focus on my pain, as in what exactly im feeling, focus so as to be able to put it in context and express it, but my mind was jumping. He also assigned me homework, which I have only done in my head so far and will probably do after this. or maybe during this.
So the things that seem weird are like, I’ll be enjoying the day, the company the smiles. The music or whatever. Then the second I get bored or feel left out or want something more, I will just fall into a steep depression, and its like I know that by talking to people or whatever I can usually overcome it, but most of the time I don’t have a good reason and thus its hard to communicate, hard to communicate that this feeling is much more than just adjusting to a different relationship. Hard to put a change into a context of feeling like people will always come to a point of wanting to reject me. Hard to communicate when this whole thing doesn’t seem worthy enough to bother anyone.

So I sulk, I get quiet. I contemplate too much, and worry about what is and isn’t ok. I worry one minute that we will never get back together and the next that we will without solving any problems and end up in a worse off place then we are now, and sometimes I worry that it will be too late, when we are finally ready and we will have already vacated each other’s lives. I tend to express these worries and concentrate on this one thing, but really the feelings reach out beyond this relationship, its just that that loss hurts more than the thought of losing any other.

I worry so much that I don’t enjoy the activities around me and sometimes desperately want the night to end, so that I don’t have to think or worry or sometimes run into people cuz I worry they will get sick of me moping around, and I wouldn’t blame them...

I worry most of the time that im not needed or wanted and though people reassure me on a daily basis and I love them for it, all it takes is like one thought to be back where I was before the pep talk- and I cant imagine that doesn’t get old.

Its really great in some ways, I feel like I’m being more honest with myself and others, I feel like in some ways its humbled me enough to realize how beautiful people are, but the draining aspects keep me from enjoying them sometimes.

I find my interests and such coming back occasionally and though this is exciting it really really worries me. It worries me because I don’t want to sink back into how I was, so hung up and dependent on some shallow shit that I let it get in the way of something far more important to me, or being hooked on games and shallow competition in which I’m not available for hours.
I don’t want to watch movies for 12 hours a day, or read books that way, desperately trying to escape or find some excitement in a life other than my own, but all these things in small dosages should be okay, I just don’t know where to draw the line. or sleeping/dreams I went to bed at like 11 with every other person still awake last night, and I really wanted someone to come wake me up but I’m sure they felt that would be rude, especially if they had no reason, but it would have felt great to me, just to have someone ask me for anything.


I feel like I’m faking just about everything, like I’m restricting myself pretending I don’t care.

and this shit sucks so much that I’m tempted to go back, and then I haven’t really learned anything but how all these stupid worries are self defeating and that’s not what negative feelings are for. (I’m having such a hard time phrasing things all of a sudden)

so I guess I really don’t have anything to say at all... I just don’t have great coping skills right now.

I don’t mean to end this on a note of like my life is going to shit, I think its actually going really well right now I just don’t seem to be able to appreciate it like I should. Im fairly optimistic about the future. Im entirely sure that im surrounded by great people. Both here and at home and like everywhere. Just wish I felt confident I had something to offer them, so I didn’t feel so uncomfortable and insecure about asking for their reassurance.