The Quest for Love

(Totally stole this image, sorry)

I complained for the longest time that I wasn't interested in anyone. I had had small crushes that didn't go anywhere -and I wasn't truly interested in any of them for having a relationship.
Now I find myself in a place where I do want a relationship (despite my better judgment) and keep falling for people who couldn't possibly be what I want/need (for me).
Which makes me feel both inadequate (the old how will anyone love me?) and really messed up for liking people who aren't on the same sort of path.

Its kind of a let down. I feel like there are a lot of things I need to work on, maybe things I need to get over about myself... but in the long run, whoever I want to really love me back will have to be someone I trust with all of it. Otherwise I will feel like I am sleazy... but these ones aren't the ones to be trusted.

Yep

I wanted to write, to be optimistic and conscious of the wonderful paths that people are on. To be in awe of the journeys, to be excited by the possibilities.
Things change so easily... gestures so (un)intended are so easily misconstrued as grievances.
but I had been enjoying the dazzle, the subtle openness, the intrigue and wonder of the removal of so many barriers.
Can't I long to be longed for?
Can't I enjoy my own desire for others?
Can't I love beauty in its mischievous and deviant as well as innocent and comfortable forms?
Can't I embrace the inner-workings, the underlying, the tension and relief?
Can't I fall, and fall hard as is only human, without worrying about the inevitable discomfort?
Can't I too, find someone to pick me up and hold me after?

Trading Cars

So I feel really weird about this... but I guess its a really nice deal. You see... I have had this Black 97 Toyota Corolla since I was 16 (not actually pictured). You see something similar above only mine is dented and beat up like a 13 year old car should be. My car and I went through a lot together. I even started calling it "the confessional" in my head because of all the intense conversations I have had in that car.
It has taken me across the country, got me through college, seen me with all three girl friends and generally I just really learned to love it. I have eaten in the car, slept in the car, kissed in the car, sang and cried in the car.
Anyway... its just a car.

It is also pretty beat up. Numerous small accidents, the trunk doesn't open, the cd player doesn't work properly, the starter is acting up, the tires are never properly inflated, the sound goes on and off, the volume knob is missing, the key sometimes doesn't work, the car is a screecher and generally its getting kind of old.

That being said, my mom mentioned a few months ago that she was planning on giving me her car when she got a new one... she said in the next year or two. So a few days ago she calls me and says she got a new car. Which means I get


.
The 2001 Toyota Avalon that my Grandma got a long time ago and gave to my mom when she couldn't drive anymore.
Its pretty luxurious.
Its pretty yuppie.
It feels kind of weird...
Its super big, actually has a working cd player, has multiple screens and fancy buttons I don't know what to do with. It has a door locker beepy thing. Its got features I don't know what to do with... its got nice seating and did I mention its huge?
I'm pretty sure it even has heated seats...

I pulled up into the Burger King Drive thru window and felt really fucking weird.
I know I am making a big deal out of nothing... but my students give me shit for growing up in St. Louis Park because they think its the suburbs.
I could never afford this car without it being a gift.

anyway... I worry I am going to crash it, or get car jacked or something.
Its way too nice, but along with my hair cut and other new accessories I guess I am supposed to pretend to be a middle class adult now.

Valentines eve

Not that I celebrate that or anything...
Well I spose I would have to.

My daily romantic horoscope today said I should try to be content with group activities and not worry about pairing off... I'm pretty sure that was a blanket message to anyone single today.
I woke around 11 and have done basically nothing since.

I looked through old pictures and reminisced about being in love. Remembering the smiles and concerns. I long for them right now.
Its been far too long.

It seems there are far too many lonely single people in the world.

I was wondering... would relationships be better off if once a year you were not required to be faithful...
Like I get weird when my partners drink... thats way too overbearing.
What if once a year I just assumed they were doing everything I didn't want them to.
As long as they were safe... would that be ok?


I am way too picky.

hair

Some thoughts

A) First off, I don't know if I know any of my "followers," but you should say Hi.
I don't know what has drawn you to this site, but feel free to enjoy (whatever it is that you find enjoyable about a strangers writing). I have been getting a lot of traffic lately for some reason... maybe you can clue me into how you found this?

B) Speaking of stalking... you know how sometimes you are on facebook and you stalk people... and then you realize that that person isn't living a very fascinating online life at that moment.... because no one posts on their wall for like a week or two. In your head this says "this person isn't as exciting as I was hoping" but more likely it just means that they have a real life...
yeah I was just thinking that.

C) I had a dream in which an old friend of mine's (who I am not often in contact with) father died. Now I am wondering if I should like warn him or something.
It was a very emotional dream.
However I also had dreams about going to college, having sex with some old lady, a guy in an invisible suit who came into our apartment to use the bathroom, and a bunch of other crazy things... so maybe its just weird mind games right?

D) Sometimes there just isn't anything exciting happening.

E) My hair is getting chopped off today. Expect before and after pictures.