find something beautiful and hold on to it.

I don't want to be afraid and hateful.
Remind me to find the love whenever and where ever I can.

I don't want violence towards any people... but there is something really beautiful about righteous anger...

Men are so fucking awful, stupid and useless.
entitled arrogant assholes,
responding with anger when we are hurt and violence to get our way.

I just want to hit someone in the face.

Maybe its human, but I don't want to assume that all humans are given/taught the same options.
Because assuming one half is the only half, is more than half of the problem.

I was reading this book, that though crazy and way out there made me feel good about the world, and feel like there was hope... and it must have been meant to happen (reading the book) because I don't feel hopeless... I am full of hope... I just feel useless.

Flea does a really nice job on "Heaven"
also I really like the lyrics.

Suppose I should post.

what do I got?
ummmm
I put up some audio  over here

couple of poems from some stuff

also tyler blanski has been doing some podcasts... I like this one the best, but the one on risk is pretty interesting too.

Holy shite its been a week.  I thought it was like a day and a half.
Um it was a good week, a fine week a week full of things and other stuff.

Mostly I am happy.

I have been spending the last hour recording poetry. 
The few hours before that writing a big long essay type thing... Well I spose its only 2 pages so not so long. But I take forever to write since I edit as I go.

Um... things are on the up and up or the left and left.
How are you?

I have felt tons of love this weekend from the homies and the fam and the coworkers... truly blessed I am.
If anything happens this year and I am suddenly dead, know it was a good ride and you were awesome.


more later.

Since I have to go

You should read this poem by Adrianne
(then maybe check out her other wonders)

I was gonna make you a video... but I didn't like how any of them turned out. 

People say I am a decent performer, I get fairly good responses from open mics... but I never ever like the way the video's turn out when I am just fucking around. 

I don't know what it is exactly... between sound quality and  just looking awkward they never seem good. 

I have been watching a lot of john frusciante covers.

He has a really hard voice to cover for several reasons... 

A) He sings in falsetto a lot

B) He sometimes purposefully holds notes starting out of tune and then going into tune. 

C) He uses his voice like an instrument a lot, going from soft vocals to screaming in seconds...

D) He overdubs his own stuff so sometimes he hits multiple notes on the same vocals (so when you do it by yourself it doesn't sound right)

E) Sometimes the lyrics are unintelligible.

F) anyone who is also doing the guitar parts has all of these troubles vocally, plus musically since he does the same things with the guitar... so it makes it really hard to do everything.

This leads to anyone trying to do a cover to sometimes having to make up their own versions.

This is a song I performed at an open mic once: This guy does a fairly decent job although his italian accent is a little hard on some of the lyrics.

The actual lyrics are: 

Carried through the road so far alone
Days glue themselves to what is wrong
And soon the hills will swallow us up
Plans will pass her up

Land on the walls is laid out
I know you're in pain
Train for the cause is staying down
It plays you out

Fall out of love again
Your dreams all end 

This song meant a lot to me in high school. I took this cd to Italy when I was 16 or 17 with my friends. I fell in love with the music while falling in love with the Mediterranean and the people I was with. It seemed that every lyrics was meant for me and the trip. The whole plane ride back I was heartbroken and couldn't stop thinking about all these people I loved. When I got off the plane at the airport my mom took one look at me and said something like "I know honey, I'm sorry." 

clearly knowing I wanted to cry. 

Its funny how often I return home wanting to cry. 

most of the hits are local...

yall know you can say hi
right?


this thing doesn't have to just be me grumbling about life... and when people interact I have an easier time coming back to write more.
What are your thoughts?  (on subject or not on subject?)

Often times the things I say to Illy wind up on here.

It has been a few days internet, did you miss me?

I guess I have been too exhausted with work to put any effort into this. Mostly I have been cruising the funny sites to try to keep my mood alive. The first few days were rough. Kids all adjusting to new sleep schedules and some to school in general (some just got back from long breaks). Crabby ass mofos... and talkative ass mofos... that was all I had. Also we had to subject them to some testing right away... and that's just gross. 

Anyway... today was a really fun day in classes... Things just went according to plan and the kids were engaged and alive and joked in a fun way instead of being disruptive. I spose I didn't cover everything I wanted to, but they seemed to know the important things. 

* Having separate blog accounts is really annoying. I currently have 4 different accounts, not blogs but accounts... meaning 4 different e mails to sign in with -which is annoying because it always thinks I want a different one. I keep them separate because I don't want the two work blogs to be able to find this one... I don't want this one to find the more private one... so I guess you guys will have to just be satisfied with three you can get to. I also started a tumblr account just to mess around with their options but so far I don't really like it... mostly I use it to watch funny videos. 

So speaking of the title of this post... Tonight Illy and I decided to have a baby. Not really but I told her I wouldn't object if she roofied me. Anyway, we were talking about unplanned pregnancies and I have been thinking for quite awhile that if that happened to me at this point I would support keeping the baby. I don't know that I am ready to parent or could afford it, but its got to start sometime somehow and surprises can be fun. 

I had dinner with my grandmother last night and it made me kind of frustrated that I don't have a better attitude towards seeing her. She is actually a lot of fun, good conversation, I learn a lot about life from being around her... I just don't tend to assume it will be a good time. Anyway it was great but I get nervous around her. We have a movie date on Sunday. 

I scratched my voice singing John Frusciante and decided to ask some of my students who like him if they want to do a cover at the talent show/cabaret/benefit show we do in Spring.

X mas at my Dads tomorrow, then hanging with lacey. 

My dad asked me today if it was ok to not celebrate my birthday on the date so that he could go to the Timberwolves game, and I thought that was really cute... but entirely unnecessary, then he made me promise that I wouldn't be spending the night doing nothing... but sometimes I need to do nothing so that I am happy to do something other times. 

I really like my coworkers. I just really think they are awesome, the students too. There isn't usually a day that goes by without a few moments where I just reflect on how really amazing someone in the building is. 

I wish I had a video or picture to jazz this up a bit... hmmm  what can I find..

 I have probably posted this before (possibly really recently) but this is from my fav music dvd

Back to work

HMMMM first day of work. Long and slow and exhausting.

I feel like I should have something really profound to say. I had a wonderful conversation and visit with Gabi last night about everything going on in the world... and there were moments where I totally spaced out because I was thinking about how amazing she was. I guess I have this with a lot of people but I don't get to see her as often as I used to.

Anyway...

Got to hang with Russ a bit tonight. Hes always interesting. Better start reading soon...

Wish I had more to say but I am le tired.  

More tomorrow maybe. 

I said maybe damnit.

Heres to you Nicola and Bart

I hope tonight is not like last night... but I think part of what is going on with the over thinking is that the hypnosis vids haven't been working as well lately.

Thoughts

Class planning
Work
friends
possible coffee dates (friendship)
ok I am gonna try again.
go to sleep mike.

Listen to Songs I Enjoy

Just checking out some options...

Me at 5 AM this morning when I couldn't sleep. I think its funny how my eyes sometimes don't look like they are looking at the same thing in pictures. I have never been asked about having a lazy eye or anything.

Then again, it could just be that it was 5 am and my eyes were tired of being open. 

I was in bed all warm, 2 cats by my side, lights off, listening to relaxing sleep hypnosis audio, about to go to sleep...

Then my roommates came home stomping around at 2 am. 

Its funny, I'm not even tired I just feel like I should go to sleep.

I actually want to go out, be reckless (drink coffee at 2 am)  have conversation, do something I'd have done 5 years ago. I just feel like its time to go to bed... because I can't think of anything else I have energy to do.

Also funny, I get annoyed with my roommates for turning on lights, stomping around etc, but I told Morgan tonight that I was thinking of moving out. There is no telling what future roommates would be like. They may be worse than these ones.

**************************************************************************


Things that I am thinking about.

A) When I return to work there are about 4 things that will need to immediately be addressed. 

1) Testing: Retests happen right away

2) Enrollment issues: we just dropped like 13 kids that means at least that many new ones to have to teach the system to. I think the biggest problem I have with this school is the constant in/outflux.

3) Counselor: we are in the process of mending and healing. Will it be successful?

4) Classes: Sadly, this comes last  because all the other stuff is way more stressful. 

Winter group curriculum surrounds the negative side of sexuality and abuse and how our society actually promotes this, to some extent. It is some of the hardest stuff for me to teach because I often feel like I am teaching against stuff that I might otherwise think is ok (in context). We also discuss feelings!!! Stress, depression, grief, etc but this is actually the harder stuff for the students because they don't like to process all of it.   Personally I will be teaching Psychology, World History ( Early Civs) and US History 2 which basically covers the 1800s.  I am looking forward to these classes but haven't spent a whole lot of time thinking about them. I have already taught all of the classes I will be teaching... so its more about updating, refining and infusing the curriculum with an excitement boost, for instance I remember teaching psychology using a couple of text books that bored the pants off the kids. Its a hard subject but I will try to find ways to make it more exciting (more visuals certainly).

B) Tomorrow Schedule is as follows: 

Wake up

Go to 11:00 Church

Lunch with Mom

Coffee with Russ

Something with Gabs and possibly Illy

Sleep (hopefully get to sleep without going through what I am going through tonight...)

Its not so much that any of that is worrisome, its just a lot of people in a day to have good conversation with. 

I get exhausted. 

C) Projects, Secrets, Desires, Dreams

1) Ongoing project of updating that website.

2) I have been wanting to do a video project for some time. Anything from vlogging, to poetry, to hypnosis, to interviews, to reviews, to church visits, to whatever.

3) I want to write more. I was thinking of trying to write both a blog post and a creative thing every day.

4) I want to read more. I haven't been able to open a book the whole break. Its annoying.

5) I want to stop doing the same things all the time. I am addicted to my computer (half the projects I want to do relate to it) I am addicted to certain websites and I think they drain me of my creativity and my ambition.

6) I want to find someone new to be interested in. Its not so much that I am sick of the old people, but I am sick of them being people that have no interest in me (in that way). Its starting to feel rather pathetic and yet I am not sure how to proceed. 

7) It seems like every day I dream about doing something different than what I am currently. Its not so much that I am unhappy with life, I am just eager to have other experiences. Some of them come from fears... what would you do if you went to prison?  If someone died? If you lost the use of your legs or had a stroke?  Some of it comes from wanting to travel... could you teach in Yemen?  Uruguay? Malaysia?  What else are you capable of? Could I be a tour guide? A journalist? A writer? A photographer? An activist? A monk? 

Some of it comes from wondering when and where I will meet the next person who changes my life... do I need to go to new places? Take classes? Get a degree? Change schools?  Hang out with different friends? Go to bars or concerts or open mics?  Some of it comes from worrying that I am too rigid... should I be less cautious? More reckless? Should I flirt and follow up even if I am not interested immediately? Should I just say yes to everything? 
 

D) Of course  the comcast bill!!!!!

The neighbors still haven't paid me. My passive strategy hasn't worked and I am sliding drastically into aggressive, skipping the nice assertive stage I should have started with. LEARN YOUR LESSON BOY!

I think worst case scenario I get screwed over a few hundred bucks. Best case scenario they are just being lazy and haven't gotten back to me yet. I am worried they will disagree and I don't have the actual bill anymore (because I gave it to them). What measures can I take to address it if they contest? Do I call the cops and say they stole the Comcast boxes? Do I shut off their cable and hope they return it? Such a stupid thing to fight over. I don't think they even know we are fighting... because I keep giving them time to prove me wrong. Need to be assertive... tomorrow is the day.



This is what I stay up worrying about
and so much more... but now I am tired... so I will attempt again to go to bed.  Good night monkey face.

(this was the second or third try already)

Here is what I am listening to. This video is a compilation someone made of their videos and put the song to it...

Fuck you internet

I have decided that I will write a post daily for as long as I can keep it up... Then probably have long holes where I don't write and then write again after apologizing for not writing.
In your face!



One thing I have noticed about blogging is that it is very difficult to go back to plain old text after using bold or color  because everything looks so blah...

I am updating several posts a day on that other site. Its a fun project. I decided to use this feature every time I am adding a new bit of information or new major additions...

I need someone new to stalk or think about.

A New Year (and I am angsty and listening to Nirvana)

New song by the Flobots. I didn't know they had a new album out... might need to pick that up.

 I like the message. To wage peace at any cost... to be adamant about it.

New Years

Hmmm, what does it mean?

I said to Lacey tonight that 2010 was a long year... I guess I meant that a lot had changed and a lot had settled.  People are lighting fireworks off on my street.  What are some of these things... well unfortunately some of them don't feel like things I should talk about or dwell on.  

I mean simple enough several friends left town, to other cities, to other countries.  Some for a short time, others for a distance. More than that, people settled into their new lives... It was interesting to hang with some of the cats who came back,  Hollie, Melissa, Kelsey, Zach  they have new lives and relationships that seem to be headed places.   

Pete didn't come home for that very reason. Gabi and I will get together soon. I didn't see Ryan but Sarah confided to me that they were well on their way to their new life. 

Morris cats at the party seemed in new places. Some of the adventure is gone, some new ones starting. Grad school for some cats, late nights writing novels for others, new jobs, more security maybe.

What about closer to home. Who was I excited by a year ago? How about now?

What were the real things I cared about this year?  performances and trips stand out for personal reasons... me facing the world again, feeling like me, but who wants to face the world alone? So no... none of those were really my favorite times.