I have been thinking about the importance of partners lately.
Maybe because it is fall and I am thinking about nesting, or because I see my roommates scold and comfort and entertain each other.
Or because my views on life are being reconsidered -like how landscapes call to me now, when it used to be only abstract ideas... and it makes me think of all the ignorance of my youth and how I squandered those relationships in my haste to be recognized as knowing something.
Or of course its also because my caretakers have left or are leaving.
Where do I go for comfort? for scolding? for entertainments?
For validation and amusement. For someone to push me just a little further in the middle of the night because even though I am stressed, I am passionate. Or forgiving, soothing enough to say, "hey, youre gonna be fine, give yourself the break you deserve."
I play around with this concept at work, a game, I know I have written about it before... but that my age is somehow not a stable concept... I am at all times a million years old and at all times barely seconds. This is how I feel in so many places in my life right now. Old enough that others look to me for support, young enough that I don't know how to get what I want. Old enough that I am cynical and jaded, young enough that I am ambitious and ignorant. Old enough that I have experiences to share, a wealth of knowledge, young enough that I am learning the right questions for the first time. etc
You know.
I am at times so sure... like rants on facebook... and also so aware of the complexities.
I feel so unprofessional. Yet the professors at the universities smile a little extra at my sharing.
I need to pray more. These types of thinking and feeling I have had lately make me so disengaged from my own spirituality.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Afro-peruvian music fueled this.
A few days ago I deleted the silly app Settlers of Oregon, or whatever. This wasn't necessarily in the interest of saving time from playing games. It took some time up, but most of that time was multitasking. Actually it probably took up less time than the reason I deleted it. You see I bought a game months ago before I went on my trip... thinking it would be a good thing to keep me busy with after the trip. But I have been pretty busy with naps, and new silly creations, and spanish (a little)... and so much stress. So I actually deleted the app game, so that I might start playing the more time consuming game -weird I know.
I had a really good day today. I spent it at a social justice in education conference. I went to 4 workshops, the first was on discretion in teaching social justice... and I think my take away was that a lot of people wish I had my job. Also that teachers need to be tricksters both in the classroom (tricking students into learning) and also in the larger context, dealing with admin and society. We can't always be blunt in our approach because we know it is right... sometimes we have to play the game while privately undermining them.
The second workshop I went to was so excellent! It was these two math teachers at South who basically have rewritten their entire curriculum so that students are applying math to social justice research in their community. Looking at actual issues in the school and in the city, analyzing them with stats data and using algebra and what not to come to their conclusions. They are letting the students come to their own place with it... which I like, but clearly the agenda is still there. Really they aren't doing anything that wouldn't be done in a sociology class or a human geography class but they are giving the students the tools to do it. Teaching through that process. And because its math being transformed, its beautiful.
The third session I went to was a little underwhelming which is sad, because the people who put it on put on the whole conference. The small session just wasn't as easy as I think they would have liked it to be. I found myself in a small room working with a few people (I was the only teacher) and one of the other participants was a student of mine... which made it more interesting. I had to juggle all these competing ideas and pulls. I ended up trying to help the organizers and they validated my student's experience. So there was a nice trade off.
The final session I went to was lead by a leader of the St Paul Federation of Teachers... and discussed some of the ways the St Paul Union is pushing for social justice changes. Using their power to unite teachers and community and parents. There were some good push back questions from the audience about specific markers to address racial inequity, but overall it seemed like they had an agenda that was a push for everyone and great for the schools. Doing the work of a union... and we applaud.
In-between I had a bunch of good experiences networking with colleagues who may not be in my same position. A lot of people seemed jazzed to hear my opinion and thought I had helpful comments and questions... which surprised me because one of the really enjoyable things about today was the level of professionalism and real desire for higher outcomes. I also had a lot of comforting and enjoyable conversations with random folks, like some college students over breakfast who as sophomores knew they wanted to work with youth... seemed fired up and inspired. Anyway... it felt great to be surrounded by people who were passionate about the right things. I avoided areas in which I might normally have too much of a heads up (so I wasn't personally frustrated), and felt challenged to think about new possibilities and new opportunities the whole day.
That being said... it was a little overwhelming, and made me question why I would give up the safety of my stressful job, for something so unknown. The Minneapolis school district is a mess and no one knows how to address that. The Minneapolis Union is also a mess and people seemed genuinely surprised by how active st paul was. To top it off, will there be jobs for someone like me? Will there be jobs in which I can express myself and be creative and dynamic and meet the needs of my students? There are entire new systems to get to know and understand, there is the possibility that I will get to know one place and then be moved to another or have to start over.
These are the things to consider. Yet I don't think I should live into my fear... at worst, I sub? At worst I get a different job for awhile? A worst I travel and see the world a little and then come home to a similar situation? None of these are awful.
Oddly enough I came home and passed out. Yeah habits die hard.
I woke up hungry, for food, for comfort, for passion.
It felt good to have a purpose for the day, to be surrounded by like minded all day. To have a room full of new people to look at. To feel part of something larger and to struggle together. To be accepted for having ideas and vision and experience even when I don't necessarily see myself as the one who has much to offer.
I had a really good day today. I spent it at a social justice in education conference. I went to 4 workshops, the first was on discretion in teaching social justice... and I think my take away was that a lot of people wish I had my job. Also that teachers need to be tricksters both in the classroom (tricking students into learning) and also in the larger context, dealing with admin and society. We can't always be blunt in our approach because we know it is right... sometimes we have to play the game while privately undermining them.
The second workshop I went to was so excellent! It was these two math teachers at South who basically have rewritten their entire curriculum so that students are applying math to social justice research in their community. Looking at actual issues in the school and in the city, analyzing them with stats data and using algebra and what not to come to their conclusions. They are letting the students come to their own place with it... which I like, but clearly the agenda is still there. Really they aren't doing anything that wouldn't be done in a sociology class or a human geography class but they are giving the students the tools to do it. Teaching through that process. And because its math being transformed, its beautiful.
The third session I went to was a little underwhelming which is sad, because the people who put it on put on the whole conference. The small session just wasn't as easy as I think they would have liked it to be. I found myself in a small room working with a few people (I was the only teacher) and one of the other participants was a student of mine... which made it more interesting. I had to juggle all these competing ideas and pulls. I ended up trying to help the organizers and they validated my student's experience. So there was a nice trade off.
The final session I went to was lead by a leader of the St Paul Federation of Teachers... and discussed some of the ways the St Paul Union is pushing for social justice changes. Using their power to unite teachers and community and parents. There were some good push back questions from the audience about specific markers to address racial inequity, but overall it seemed like they had an agenda that was a push for everyone and great for the schools. Doing the work of a union... and we applaud.
In-between I had a bunch of good experiences networking with colleagues who may not be in my same position. A lot of people seemed jazzed to hear my opinion and thought I had helpful comments and questions... which surprised me because one of the really enjoyable things about today was the level of professionalism and real desire for higher outcomes. I also had a lot of comforting and enjoyable conversations with random folks, like some college students over breakfast who as sophomores knew they wanted to work with youth... seemed fired up and inspired. Anyway... it felt great to be surrounded by people who were passionate about the right things. I avoided areas in which I might normally have too much of a heads up (so I wasn't personally frustrated), and felt challenged to think about new possibilities and new opportunities the whole day.
That being said... it was a little overwhelming, and made me question why I would give up the safety of my stressful job, for something so unknown. The Minneapolis school district is a mess and no one knows how to address that. The Minneapolis Union is also a mess and people seemed genuinely surprised by how active st paul was. To top it off, will there be jobs for someone like me? Will there be jobs in which I can express myself and be creative and dynamic and meet the needs of my students? There are entire new systems to get to know and understand, there is the possibility that I will get to know one place and then be moved to another or have to start over.
These are the things to consider. Yet I don't think I should live into my fear... at worst, I sub? At worst I get a different job for awhile? A worst I travel and see the world a little and then come home to a similar situation? None of these are awful.
Oddly enough I came home and passed out. Yeah habits die hard.
I woke up hungry, for food, for comfort, for passion.
It felt good to have a purpose for the day, to be surrounded by like minded all day. To have a room full of new people to look at. To feel part of something larger and to struggle together. To be accepted for having ideas and vision and experience even when I don't necessarily see myself as the one who has much to offer.
Friday, October 11, 2013
on a lighter note
I've been listening to a lot of Soweto Gospel Choir in my car. I find it to be incredibly fun and soothing... the spiritual aspects are nice, but I don't think they are as consciously present as other things... anyway sometimes I get into it and start dancing and clapping in the car.
Its pretty funny.
Today some older black gentlemen pulled up along side me and gave me the funniest look. I kind of wanted to explain that I was listening to a gospel choir and this is pretty normal. I think they might have understood that, but part of me wanted to just let it go and have them be amused like "this white boy is crazy" cuz that would be accurate too.
Its pretty funny.
Today some older black gentlemen pulled up along side me and gave me the funniest look. I kind of wanted to explain that I was listening to a gospel choir and this is pretty normal. I think they might have understood that, but part of me wanted to just let it go and have them be amused like "this white boy is crazy" cuz that would be accurate too.
wholeness
I keep falling asleep early. Tonight I ate dinner, bought a cup of coffee to go, came home checked out some things on the internet and passed out. This seems typical lately. I woke up a few hours later and had trouble getting back to sleep. I had the coffee because I haven't been practicing spanish like I would like to be... well not as my goals would dictate. So I thought if I didn't have anything else going on I would naturally find myself fulfilling my goals... but that doesn't seem to be the case.
I tried to get back to sleep after an hour of watching more stuff on youtube and checking out the news and whatnot. I started thinking of all the areas in my life that I have been arrogant.
Working around young people it is easy to be aware of arrogance. I think about these times when I was a teen, or a young adult. Sometimes in relationships, sometimes exploring my own head and heart space. So sure of myself, or so desirous for some sense of truth that the moment I had something I claimed it. I suppose I still do this, but its harder now, because things seem more muddy, more mixed up. Like it is ___________ and simultaneously not ____________... it is blank's opposite and its essence, its counterpart, its companion, it's an illusion and a truth all wrapped up in one... and I am not sure how to pursue that really.
Seeking happiness does one find happiness? Seeking contentment, does one find contentment? Seeking fulfillment and wholeness, are these the end result?
I find my language to be stifled, I can't think in the words I want to use, can't find the examples. I don't know if that is a product of my working around teens with limited vocabulary or if I am just too stressed to be taking in new information. I am dissatisfied. Deeply dissatisfied, but so comfortable with that -that it is almost more of a nagging nuisance than a real presence in my life.
I am not really happy with any of the areas of my life right now, but I don't dwell on that... its just a gnat. These things fly in and fly out.
My attempt to sleep was eventually pushed out entirely because I was lesson planning for civics class... thinking about all the things I actually want to teach but because I can't even get through the basics - I am apt to neglect. The current topic is the constitution. I am trying to go over the framework of how that is supposed to work, so that we can get to how things actually work... but I want to stop, break it down, give them issues to solve and force them to do it in the congressional way. But what issues do they know about? What issues could they solve? What issues could they pass? What would they be willing to work towards? practically nothing... The complexities of anything that actually affects them - are usually so beyond their understanding, that they run from any situation presented... the staff often laments they will be eaten alive by the world.
Years ago a former student/former staff member/former vice presidential nominee walked out of a class shocked at the students responses to some of the scenarios she presented. What would you do if they threatened to shut down the school? she asked the class... the students said "find another school." There was no suggestion of fighting back, or probing or questioning the power structure... these were defeated kids, moving on defeated... passed around to defeated do-gooders who would be squashed again and again.
My coworker ended one of her classes early today, frustrated that the students wouldn't even attempt to have a discussion in class(I have ended several this year for the same reason, or switched to independent study). They were too tired, too apathetic. They'd played video games all night, or were high, or were so used to being entertained that they couldn't fathom taking charge of their own lives, or they hadn't eaten in days, or they hadn't ever formed their own opinions, or they hadn't ever learned how to be in community, to have a discussion, to play a role... and she asked me is this what it has come to? and I said yes, because I am a cynic and because I see catastrophe everywhere, and because I am stressed and because I want more opportunities that are easy paths to truth, and right now the only truth is that I feel like we are fucked.
But I also asked what we should do about it... because I haven't given up either. because this is a very big gnat, but it will fly away too... or I will, and in either case that makes things temporary.
I feel like I might be coming up on one of those big transitions though, where you maybe choose the wrong path. Where maybe you make mistakes, where maybe things get harder before they get okay. Where maybe you have to grow a lot overnight, or spend a lot of time exhausted.
I spend a lot of time wondering how to avoid this misery that I know will come with the possibilities of something better. The unknown is a rather scary thing for a person with an imagination like mine.
Part of me wants to learn healing arts, part of me wants to learn to entertain, part of me wants to leave, part of me wants to be more extreme, part of me wants to have a family and settle down, part of me wants to make money and buy security, part of me wants to be creative, part of me wants to slow down and be less stressed, part of me wants to invite disaster, part of me wants punishment, part of me wants newness, and most of me just wants to be validated regardless.
The issue with a slow life, the humble life, isn't that it wouldn't be fulfilling... the issue is that I would be depressed and anxious.
The issue with the entertaining, or creative life is that I don't know that I can sustain it, the muse leaves me often, and I become very self conscious and depressed.
The issue with an adventurous life isn't that it wouldn't be fulfilling... the issue is that I would be scared and anxious (and if I didn't find the right support -depressed).
The issue with staying the course, is that if things don't get better, this current path is soul crushing and I'll lose myself in it.
Ups and downs of every path... I see my own self as the biggest of enemies.
I've learned to fight off the extremes I suppose but I don't know that the middle path if on a decline is actually better.
I need to spend more time outside this room.
I tried to get back to sleep after an hour of watching more stuff on youtube and checking out the news and whatnot. I started thinking of all the areas in my life that I have been arrogant.
Working around young people it is easy to be aware of arrogance. I think about these times when I was a teen, or a young adult. Sometimes in relationships, sometimes exploring my own head and heart space. So sure of myself, or so desirous for some sense of truth that the moment I had something I claimed it. I suppose I still do this, but its harder now, because things seem more muddy, more mixed up. Like it is ___________ and simultaneously not ____________... it is blank's opposite and its essence, its counterpart, its companion, it's an illusion and a truth all wrapped up in one... and I am not sure how to pursue that really.
Seeking happiness does one find happiness? Seeking contentment, does one find contentment? Seeking fulfillment and wholeness, are these the end result?
I find my language to be stifled, I can't think in the words I want to use, can't find the examples. I don't know if that is a product of my working around teens with limited vocabulary or if I am just too stressed to be taking in new information. I am dissatisfied. Deeply dissatisfied, but so comfortable with that -that it is almost more of a nagging nuisance than a real presence in my life.
I am not really happy with any of the areas of my life right now, but I don't dwell on that... its just a gnat. These things fly in and fly out.
My attempt to sleep was eventually pushed out entirely because I was lesson planning for civics class... thinking about all the things I actually want to teach but because I can't even get through the basics - I am apt to neglect. The current topic is the constitution. I am trying to go over the framework of how that is supposed to work, so that we can get to how things actually work... but I want to stop, break it down, give them issues to solve and force them to do it in the congressional way. But what issues do they know about? What issues could they solve? What issues could they pass? What would they be willing to work towards? practically nothing... The complexities of anything that actually affects them - are usually so beyond their understanding, that they run from any situation presented... the staff often laments they will be eaten alive by the world.
Years ago a former student/former staff member/former vice presidential nominee walked out of a class shocked at the students responses to some of the scenarios she presented. What would you do if they threatened to shut down the school? she asked the class... the students said "find another school." There was no suggestion of fighting back, or probing or questioning the power structure... these were defeated kids, moving on defeated... passed around to defeated do-gooders who would be squashed again and again.
My coworker ended one of her classes early today, frustrated that the students wouldn't even attempt to have a discussion in class(I have ended several this year for the same reason, or switched to independent study). They were too tired, too apathetic. They'd played video games all night, or were high, or were so used to being entertained that they couldn't fathom taking charge of their own lives, or they hadn't eaten in days, or they hadn't ever formed their own opinions, or they hadn't ever learned how to be in community, to have a discussion, to play a role... and she asked me is this what it has come to? and I said yes, because I am a cynic and because I see catastrophe everywhere, and because I am stressed and because I want more opportunities that are easy paths to truth, and right now the only truth is that I feel like we are fucked.
But I also asked what we should do about it... because I haven't given up either. because this is a very big gnat, but it will fly away too... or I will, and in either case that makes things temporary.
I feel like I might be coming up on one of those big transitions though, where you maybe choose the wrong path. Where maybe you make mistakes, where maybe things get harder before they get okay. Where maybe you have to grow a lot overnight, or spend a lot of time exhausted.
I spend a lot of time wondering how to avoid this misery that I know will come with the possibilities of something better. The unknown is a rather scary thing for a person with an imagination like mine.
Part of me wants to learn healing arts, part of me wants to learn to entertain, part of me wants to leave, part of me wants to be more extreme, part of me wants to have a family and settle down, part of me wants to make money and buy security, part of me wants to be creative, part of me wants to slow down and be less stressed, part of me wants to invite disaster, part of me wants punishment, part of me wants newness, and most of me just wants to be validated regardless.
The issue with a slow life, the humble life, isn't that it wouldn't be fulfilling... the issue is that I would be depressed and anxious.
The issue with the entertaining, or creative life is that I don't know that I can sustain it, the muse leaves me often, and I become very self conscious and depressed.
The issue with an adventurous life isn't that it wouldn't be fulfilling... the issue is that I would be scared and anxious (and if I didn't find the right support -depressed).
The issue with staying the course, is that if things don't get better, this current path is soul crushing and I'll lose myself in it.
Ups and downs of every path... I see my own self as the biggest of enemies.
I've learned to fight off the extremes I suppose but I don't know that the middle path if on a decline is actually better.
I need to spend more time outside this room.
Sunday, October 06, 2013
Well its october.
The weather is fall-ish, rainy cold gray.
The coffee shop is relatively full.
The work is never finished.
There is a picture of a white/gray raccoon on the wall. The painter is doing these animal portraits that on some level are kind of abstract and at some level are really clear. So its like a gold background with a white and gray crane impressed upon it. Or a blue and black background with a blue and black crow brush stroked to formation, just a hint of an outline makes the picture clear and beautiful.
I haven't been doing much art, that was one of the goals, or activities to take up. This week I have a class on henna design and practice, but that isn't necessarily the type of art I want to do. The trouble is I haven't felt very creative.
I have been really stressed with work since I started, so like 6 weeks now. The first few weeks it was lots of staffing issues, then it was student and activity issues, then staffing again. No breaks, no rest, and sometimes it feels like no progress. There are a handful of students that need to be exit-ed from the program because they just aren't contributing the "right" way. Unfortunately for some of them, I don't know that they would do better elsewhere. The maturity level is just so low, the distraction and need to move around just too high. The academic skills are low, but many of my students right now have incredibly low academic skill levels, way below what they should be... I could work with that if they would pay attention. But I can't repeat directions four times and then be rudely interrupted and asked for those directions repeated because they weren't paying attention the first 4 times. That becomes too much, too much perpetual delay, distraction, disrespect. These students are actually adults, who don't listen. Adults who will probably lose jobs, lose their freedom because they don't recognize boundaries. Its sad, its frustrating. The other students feel the frustration too, and it develops into a sort of us vs them mentality... but in both cases people aren't building community to work through it. Everyone is so individualistic. I don't know, maybe I am just a very cynical animal right now. I generally see very few signs that the world is getting "better". That being said, I also don't care very much that it is getting worse, I feel like we deserve what we are getting because people are being stupid. We need to wake up, get off the couch, stop taking things for granted and start working towards solving problems, not just blaming them on others... and in that, I too am stuck.
I think in an individual way, I feel sort of stuck. I am trying to make progress on writing more, reading more, practicing and learning spanish more. I am hoping to use up my art supplies by the end of the school year and haven't even got them out yet. I am hoping to watch some tv shows other people keep talking about. I am hoping to make new friends or find a girl friend... but am making no progress with that. I have been hanging out with some people a little, a few of my "see them now and then" friends, trying to push through the weirdness and establish trust and intimacy... but I don't long to see them. So that is hard.
The friends I do long to see, aren't available, or soon wont be. Some are working really really hard, some have families, some live elsewhere. I hung out with Jess V last night and had a wonderful time, but it didn't feel like I could just show up at her house and hang out, not yet, maybe not ever. She has a family. She has other more important obligations.
She did take me to Cirque du Soleil,which is like the best gift ever. I genuinely think in many ways that actually was one of the best gifts I have ever gotten... and she didn't even know how much I would like it... didn't know I had been a fan since I was 12. She just didn't want to take her daughter because she was worried she would want to leave early. So I lucked out there.
Lacey has started the inevitable search for a love. I kind of figured that would happen, we joked about it before she left and maybe she has found someone. Hopefully someone good, but I can't really protect her from here.
We are all actually the kind of people who desire closeness, we will accept no less.
Maybe a first step would be being a little less me -with my weird hair and tendency towards awkwardness.
The coffee shop is relatively full.
The work is never finished.
There is a picture of a white/gray raccoon on the wall. The painter is doing these animal portraits that on some level are kind of abstract and at some level are really clear. So its like a gold background with a white and gray crane impressed upon it. Or a blue and black background with a blue and black crow brush stroked to formation, just a hint of an outline makes the picture clear and beautiful.
I haven't been doing much art, that was one of the goals, or activities to take up. This week I have a class on henna design and practice, but that isn't necessarily the type of art I want to do. The trouble is I haven't felt very creative.
I have been really stressed with work since I started, so like 6 weeks now. The first few weeks it was lots of staffing issues, then it was student and activity issues, then staffing again. No breaks, no rest, and sometimes it feels like no progress. There are a handful of students that need to be exit-ed from the program because they just aren't contributing the "right" way. Unfortunately for some of them, I don't know that they would do better elsewhere. The maturity level is just so low, the distraction and need to move around just too high. The academic skills are low, but many of my students right now have incredibly low academic skill levels, way below what they should be... I could work with that if they would pay attention. But I can't repeat directions four times and then be rudely interrupted and asked for those directions repeated because they weren't paying attention the first 4 times. That becomes too much, too much perpetual delay, distraction, disrespect. These students are actually adults, who don't listen. Adults who will probably lose jobs, lose their freedom because they don't recognize boundaries. Its sad, its frustrating. The other students feel the frustration too, and it develops into a sort of us vs them mentality... but in both cases people aren't building community to work through it. Everyone is so individualistic. I don't know, maybe I am just a very cynical animal right now. I generally see very few signs that the world is getting "better". That being said, I also don't care very much that it is getting worse, I feel like we deserve what we are getting because people are being stupid. We need to wake up, get off the couch, stop taking things for granted and start working towards solving problems, not just blaming them on others... and in that, I too am stuck.
I think in an individual way, I feel sort of stuck. I am trying to make progress on writing more, reading more, practicing and learning spanish more. I am hoping to use up my art supplies by the end of the school year and haven't even got them out yet. I am hoping to watch some tv shows other people keep talking about. I am hoping to make new friends or find a girl friend... but am making no progress with that. I have been hanging out with some people a little, a few of my "see them now and then" friends, trying to push through the weirdness and establish trust and intimacy... but I don't long to see them. So that is hard.
The friends I do long to see, aren't available, or soon wont be. Some are working really really hard, some have families, some live elsewhere. I hung out with Jess V last night and had a wonderful time, but it didn't feel like I could just show up at her house and hang out, not yet, maybe not ever. She has a family. She has other more important obligations.
She did take me to Cirque du Soleil,which is like the best gift ever. I genuinely think in many ways that actually was one of the best gifts I have ever gotten... and she didn't even know how much I would like it... didn't know I had been a fan since I was 12. She just didn't want to take her daughter because she was worried she would want to leave early. So I lucked out there.
Lacey has started the inevitable search for a love. I kind of figured that would happen, we joked about it before she left and maybe she has found someone. Hopefully someone good, but I can't really protect her from here.
We are all actually the kind of people who desire closeness, we will accept no less.
