post removed...

i was sort of making a joke, and apparently didnt come across right... so thats gone...

Im falling in love with Taylor Mali

though i am certainly part of what he may criticize in this poem... i like the idea behind it (the spacing is all messed up)

"I’m for reckless abandon and spontaneous celebrations of nothing at all, like the twin flutes I kept in the trunk of my car in a box labeled Emergency Champagne Glasses!
Raise an unexpected glass to long, cold winters and sweet hot summers and the beautiful confusion of the times in between. To the unexpected drenching rain that leaves you soaking wet and smiling breathless;“We danced in the garden in torn sheets in the rain,”we were christened in the sanctity of the sprinkler,can’t you hear it singing out its Hallelujah?
Here’s to the soul-expanding power of the simply beautiful.
See, things you hate, things you despise, multinational corporations and lies that politicians tell, injustices that make you mad as hell, that’s all well and good. And as far as writing poems goes, I guess you should. It just might be a poem that gets Mumia released, brings an end to terrorism or peace in the middle east.
But as far as what soothes me, what inspires and moves me, honesty behooves me to tell you your rage doesn’t move me. See, like the darkest of clouds my heart has a silver lining, which does not harken to the loudest whining, but beats and stirs and grows ever more when I learn of the things you’re actually for.
That’s why I’m for best friends, long drives, and smiles, nothing but the sound of thinking for miles.For the unconditional love of dogs: may we learn the lessons of their love by heart.For therapy when you need it, and poetry when you need it. And the wisdom to know the difference.
The solution to every problem usually involves some kind of liquid,even if it’s only Emergency Champagneor running through the sprinkler.Can’t you hear it calling you?
I’m for crushes not acted upon, for admiration from afar, for the delicate and the resiliant and the fragile human heart, may it always heal stronger than it was before.For walks in the woods, and the for the woods themselves, by which I mean the trees. Definitely for the trees.Window seats, and locally brewed beer, and love letters written by hand with fountain pens:I’m for all of these.
I’m for evolution more than revolution unless you’re offering some kind of solution.
I’m for the courage it takes to volunteer, to say “yes,” “I believe,” and “I will.”For the bright side, the glass half full, the silver lining, and the optimists who consider darkness just a different kind of shining.
So don’t waste my time and your curses on verses about what you are against, despise, and abhor. Tell me what inspires you, what fulfills and fires you, put your precious pen to paper and tell me what you’re for!"

(heres some dramatic bs)

words alone, never could save us.


wow i just got so sad. something about reading old letters from loved ones, remember fondly meeting and enjoying some one new, that falling feeling in all its scary vulnerability. "that first night" maybe its just this song.




I think im gonna need to run away soon... or I might be lost again, and that seems a strange contradiction... but I usually find what i need the moment I leave, turn around and am some how able to hug even more people.


Some days I think about the relationships I have had, and regret how quickly I said I loved them, when really I was saying I would... and I did, but it wasnt till the trials, when I realized how much I wanted to give and often couldnt. Its not the vulnerability that makes you love someone, its not being open, its having them rip something from you without meaning to, and instead of drawing up inside yourself... you reach out to give them anything left, assuming, trusting that they know you well enough to know whats good for you. The assumption that they will do the right thing- based not on their current state, your past or theirs, not their troubles, their hectic life, but because you know were the situation reversed you would do everything in your power to let them know they were loved -and if thats not how they feel.... well you'd rather face that hard conclusion than not have trusted.

Sometimes life does get in the way though, sometimes they are too hurt, or you are to do it right... thats ok. Sometimes its just the situation, or the conflict of interests or the differences in personality... thats ok... thats heart break... thats good for you. but personally... I won't ever assume i'll ever be over it. when random words or pictures or memories or smells or touching makes me cry unexpectedly... well thats a tear to smile for.

you can lead a man to city but that dont assure civility



im sort of amazed by the songs i have in my head in the morning when i wake up... often times its hey ya and depending on whether its the sad version or the upbeat version one can tell my dreams maybe... today and yesterday it was "no regrets" which is the lucy song from aesop rock.
no regrets... maybe my dreams are telling me to paint.


I find things that shouldnt be funny, hi-larious
and at the sex scene-sang along to the dawning of aquarious
Alicia and I would both go alone, but hey thats just our style..
still sometimes we get criticized for playing frisbee in the aisles

HMMMM what to talk about...

Well I am home this weekend... trying to fit random things in... so far I have hung out with both sets of rents, my brother and his girl, illy and gabs and amy a.... went to a roller derby game that was awesome, went to church and pretended to be a judge. havent had time yet for homework or computer games or drawing... slept a lot.

from laurel's constant suggestions i decided i should buy sid meier's pirates! (the second version) but i havent played it yet, and honestly I dont think i should until i get caught up in my classes... just in case it is as awesome as she says... a few weeks ago i bought some computer games, and have played 1 of them for about 5 hours total... which isnt actually that much in 2 weeks.

I am hoping it was the break, or the stress or the weather that made the last week or two a little different... but if not... welcome to the new period of old.... my great time of monkeyness is gone... im not using good words, but that is part of it. Its like a loss of energy, and seeing things clearly or rather beautifully... and maybe its just exhaustion...
I dont know how laurel and emily are doing it, considering they must have been just as stressed... and now they are roaming around san fran... i hope they take a day to chill.

last night i went to the roller girl derby with james and julie.. they have a friend who plays, but she wasnt playing last night. I have never seen a more entertaining sport... its sort of crazy... sort of like lacrosse on wheels... and without sticks or balls... just humans. we were in the second row... which meant u sit on the ground and people come crashing in to you.
we only stayed for half the games but even that was like an hour and a half... and we got to see an awesome hiphop dance group before hand... a few of the kids could make it seem as if they walked on air... or slid without moving... it was amazing.

hmmm.... i watched some movies the other night... and it was nice.... i want to watch more, but blockbuster is so expensive... and i think my time would be better spent reading the book i have to read for class... or planning my units....


I questioned a lot of my beliefs today in church, i wonder if i can still call myself a christian... I dont know if what i believe is what the church says... but i know it has a lot to do with what christ said.... still... what if i dont think you need him, or dont believe he is the son of god... or dont believe he is god... anymore than the rest of us?
Im not sure about it... but it wasnt questioning my faith, just my religion... and i still ended up feeling quite blesses and teary eyed by the last song...

I guess it was just weird to see all the ritual, the church, the songs and sayings... its like... this is not my religion anymore is it?
Im pretty sure i believe in something more transparent.... more relational... more inside of yourself and around you.
and a church seems a strange place to find that connection... not that i havent before many times... and grant (my step dad is the pastor) said some great things during the sermon, that made me wonder if any of us who are educated within the church, really actually believe in the whole thing, or whether they are going through the motions, because thats how all of us grew up within the church, and thats how we learned to find our own path.
much like jesus growing up jewish and sort of interpreting it in a different way..
but am i anything then?
am i all of it?

you know that character... the drunk guy who thinks everyone is mad at them... theres always one of these guys you know.... i was that guy tonight...
only problem is, im pretty sure some of them actually were..
and im not sure what to do with that... because although a little obnoxious.... i wasnt totally out of line tonight or anything. I wasnt even drunk half the night, just felt sick, but was still having a good time... thus acted looopy... like when u are sick and not miserable.

i was happy to see everyone having a good time tonight... but i was feeling extremely young and insecure again... like these people dont actually want me around, just put up with me... and a lot of it was that sort of sarcastic game people play where they just pretend to be angry with you... but you dont know... do ya?

someone asked me a question... which meant a lot to me... this was my response after a few days... (im sharing this because i think it is bigger than just her, and i would like to share it with everyone.)


I know it may seem really dumb, but im amazed you would give me a second thought. I always have such high hopes for long distance stuff and i just dont follow through... but once again if i can be honest, i often feel like writing you and asking you the same but chicken out because i feel like i must just piss you off...maybe im being too much of a 12 year old.. I often tell my friends they need to have faith in our friendship or in me enough to understand that i wont judge them for little human things... but I cant seem to get it through my head that i need to trust in other people not to judge me on my flaws..
whats beautiful? tonight was my first day in a while when i felt at all like things werent always beautiful... but by the end of the night i felt good again. what is it that is making things so beautiful?um 2 things... the first is, im working at a highschool with a cooperating teacher, but i love it, it seems like where i want to be, it feels comfortable, it feels exciting. the students are fun, the activities are good... etc... the teacher today took me aside and said you know what mike, you are ready to teach... and he then spent the next 5 minutes saying it again in different ways, until i really felt the compliment rather than just sort of shrugging it off.. it was really nice.

the second thing: i started this semester off, and much of the summer wondering where my love of people had gone... then i met a whole bunch of new exciting people, i have crushes, i have excitement and warmth... and its nothing like -wanting to be in a relationship with them... its meeting and making friends with interesting amazing people... and even more, its having someone who is so amazing come up to me and say "mike i want to tell you about myself, because i know you will care." its not an ego thing on their part, its opening up... and knowing that they will open up to me makes me feel like i have some sort of purpose, some sort of special quality... and makes it tremendously easy to look around and see how beautiful other people and life is... it makes it easy to see their gifts, what makes them special, and makes whatever gives them excitement beautiful too...so happiness in that sense...im doing well... and i love people.

and the fact that you dont hate me, and ask.... well thats amazing you know?
so please, if you feel you can share... tell me the same..? tell me what is beautiful, what is ok, what is reality, fantasy, what hurts, thrills, comforts, confuses and on and on... and even if i dont always respond..
i can assure you i will cherish it.
peace and love to youtaff

I guess I just havent known what to write about lately... everything seems too dull (at least from an audience point of view) but every once in a while i check the stats on this here page... and it surprises me how many people seem to check this... and even people i couldnt possibly know... (say hi, thats what the comments are for)

I have homework to do, but instead why dont i give you some basic info... just to let you know.. in case you know?

um I was born in Dixon Illinois and even though the city has a monument to lincoln, the last time I was there I decided I would never go back because i saw like 3-4 confederate flags... and thats just not something im down for. My parents lived there while they were getting their masters degrees. We left when I was 2 months old, and came to mn.
I grew up in St. Louis Park... which is where my heart often resides.. at least with the people.
I enjoyed school and now want to be a teacher.
I like to visit other countries, i like shocking things.
I love humans.
I write, draw, paint, make videos (there are links to all of this) I also act like an idiot a fair amount of the time... the other times i am sometimes way too responsible and mature... though i dont often feel the need to bring this side out when im in morris, unless someone is talking about something personal.
I go to school in morris mn... at the U and i am in the ed program.
I have a strong feeling I will be fired for being a good teacher at some point... or rather for telling students the truth.
I enjoy music, it moves me, physically and emotionally...
i am sort of materialistic about things like music and movies and computers...
i have several instruments but dont play any.
I fall for people really quick, but not to the point where I want to be in a relationship... just to the point where I really worry about them.
I hope to be a good influence on the world, and part of this is derived from some terrible things i have done in the past, and hope to make amends for.
I have like 2 secrets that i dont share with anyone, but other than those i am an open book, so much so, that i dont know what to tell people when they ask for secrets or special traits or anything.
uh i take pictures of people all the time, and im sort of creepy about it, but i do it because i love the pictures... i like the idea of trying to capture just a second of a person's personality on film... but i am often disappointed with the results... so i just keep trying... and each click is a possibility.
i wear two pairs of pants in the winter, and never wear shorts in the summer.
this is mostly because im cold, and have body issues.

i am a dj. I am a member of a few groups, i tend to play a leadership role in things, mostly because when i dont, i have such a big mouth that i always get involved anyway.

i am generally well received... but im unsure how many people know me, and how many see me for the image i project for them. the few who have seen me, forgive, but maybe dont forget... and thats hard.

I am a middle child.
I am a bit crazy but care too much to leave this world behind.
i am a believe in the religions of the world.

I feel god often.

I love, but am not always the best at expressing it,
i end many a letter with
peace and love to you
-taff

The problem with faith is that its not that you cant express it, its that you cant express it in a way that people will understand what you are talking about.

Thus I want to babble about a beautiful night, but the big things are always the same...
still let me tell you that a cat doesnt just walk up and sit in your lap, hes telling you something... dont ask me what... cuz i never figured it out... but its true. and also the sky was all lightning but there wasnt a storm, and that planet or whatever it was seemed bright as the moon and big too... and there is a sort of creepy beautiful calm intensity that comes with walking the streets at 4-5 am cuz you are pretty much talking to yourself or god, and one way or another anything seems possible.

I desperately need to post.
I was just thinking of a certain dumb and dumber quote, that I probably shouldnt ever write on here again, just in case someone found it and thought i had mixed motives for being a teacher... its not like that I can assure you.
"but like I told me dont dwell"

um anyway... i got like 2 mins...
I have class today, and 2 major assignments due later... but i got to go to mahs first...

listening to a lot of Rancid's "lady liberty" lately... its pretty swell.
uh more this weekend im sure... i will have the time.