ghgdfmk desrregard

Have I posted that before?

Some thoughts on this Saturday night, most of which I already journal-ed aboot toooooday.

I've been reading The People of the Book, which is good. It makes me sad though.  I love the weaving of history and mystery together.

I'm lonely tonight, but I don't think I want anyone... rather I have no one in mind that I feel called to. I have been thinking about this a lot lately because I wonder what has shifted so much, that I don't long for anyone. I have people on my mind regularly, I miss them I suppose, but I don't know of anyway to satisfy the lack of connection, so even if I miss someone, I don't feel called to them. its sort of a shitty feeling to be honest.  It runs parallel with the lack of crushes. The days you go through without anyone you want to impress, or think about, or who makes the day a tad bit more exciting.
I have longings for a certain amount of excitement and sensuality, but not for a person in particular.
Even in my dreams the ones I follow have no faces, covered faces, mystery people.


I had this sad feeling about my Dad tonight. This feeling like he wasn't always going to be so strong, so sturdy, wouldn't always be there to listen. Like perhaps even now when he still seems so full of life he is just faking the confidence (sometimes), it reminded me of times when as a kid I felt sorry for him, felt like my desires clashed with his, and that he wouldn't be able to satisfy them like he wanted to.  Like he wanted to be my hero, but knew he couldn't be.   I saw my Dad look at his father this way, with a hell of a lot of love and respect, but with a certain amount of pity and despair knowing it wouldn't last... this life, it won't last.  I don't like the idea of people seeing me in pain, or wasting away... the thought of seeing my parents or my siblings that way kills me.


Yesterday I left work so full of hope and pride, happiness. I felt like I had accomplished things, like everything would be alright. I hope that continues.

I am in the "holy shit what am I getting myself into" phase of leaving. My Dad asked me today if I had any reservations about leaving, and I don't... but I am scared.
Scared I will be hurt. Scared for my possessions. Scared I will fail. Scared I won't find the opportunities I am seeking. Scared something will happen that calls me home. Scared that I will be a world away, frightened and lonely. Scared I will be scared.

Its such a funny set of fears... as if I have no where to land. As if I don't have backup plans. As if I didn't want exactly these things.
I was thinking about the loss of possessions, when you are backpacking your bag is all you have. Its everything, and it takes on these wild dimensions that get elevated beyond their proportion... my phone and ipad, a credit card, a passport... they are all so easily replaced and yet in my head they are my lifelines.   The loss impairs me, it keeps me from my plans my dreams, opportunities etc.
And yet, these fears will keep me from far more if I let them.
I think back on places I have been and how annoyed I am with my younger self for not experiencing them more fully... I was enthralled with the wrong things. Concerned with money when I could have been experiencing the beauty of the world... I need to let go. Remember I have nets, wits, skills and paperwork to boot. I have heart, and curiosity, and a family to come home to if nothing else works.

With just a few weeks left, I find myself looking at things differently. For instance I am doing laundry tonight and questioning whether I should really wash a shirt or pair of pants... or if they can just be tossed now instead of in a few weeks. I am purging a ton of stuff. Some of it feels like a waste. Some I know I will regret while other stuff I know I will just buy again in the future.
Its the stuff with parts that freaks me out... a small space heater, happy light, a dehumidifier, a fan, a half broken alarm clock, a printer, a keyboard... Where to take this stuff?
Or the meaningful stuff?  paintings people did for me & paintings I created, t-shirts from clubs I was involved in & t shirts from bands I saw...  the small stuff can be tucked into boxes, but why keep a blanket that can be easily replaced and takes up too much room?

This basically means I have to buy a new life when I get back... I am unsure when that will be and it makes things like asking my Dad to keep my car in his driveway a little weird.  If its 6 months great. If its 2 years?  I am likely going to have to ask him to sell it later.

I've been cleaning things up at work. Tucking folders away in cabinets. Clearing out emails. Trying to turn in all the paper work. My shelves look bare but still have the imprint of my presence.  In a few months no one will know what my part was, but they will find the fodder of my time there. They will find it annoying and question why I was so bad at certain aspects of my job. They will wonder why I wasn't better organized and then they will try to do the job, and likely be distracted as I was.

The students will be hard on them.
The students will be hard on themselves.


Am i out of things to rant about?

Travel websites

Mike in South America

Mike is a Teacher

Sweet Words and bitter worries.

Cover of a Chili Peppers song,
That song has little to do with the following, but I love the guitar parts and some of the lyrics. 



A student wrote me a note today. A thank you card, complete with "Thank You" on the front. Inside, she said in the simplest most moving way how much my presence in her life has meant. I couldn't keep from tearing up.  A few weeks ago this student upon hearing that I was leaving, began to cry, and I began to cry.  Later in a slightly more private moment she said thank you, she also said that in the last few years I had been the closest thing to a father figure she had ever had. I have been carrying that with me ever since, because I don't think I could possibly think of anything anyone could say that would be so touching to my heart right now.

Another student has been in her terms "sassy" all week. Greetings of "You suck" or "Go away."  I've been sassing her back quite a bit, and tonight in a moment of playing around, I called her out on it. And she basically said "Yeah of course I have been pissy all week, I'm hurt that youre all leaving so I am giving you shit while I still can because that's how I show I care."  She was still keeping pretty cool about it and I said something like "if you care so much why did you skip half of last week" and there was this weird moment of hurt in her eyes, before she replied very spunkily, "Yeah but I have shown up early every day this week!" To which I gave her props.   Earlier this year this student checked herself into a hospital, and in a moment of vulnerability/perhaps unprofessionally,  I cried on the phone when her mom called.

Another student who I have been close with for years now, has confessed several times in the last few days - that without knowing it I kept him from committing suicide. Every time we talk, I see so much of myself in him (despite completely different backgrounds). I just know what he means when he talks about things that everyone considers crazy, and its so easy to say "yeah for sure"  and he walks away so much lighter. Tonight I watched him skillfully rap/recite some of the most incredibly painful insights he has had about people close to him, in front of a crowd of over 100. Afterwards he was just so full of that after show glow.

One of my students came to me this morning embarrassed  and scared because she hadn't completed a project for the show tonight. She spent hours working on it at school today and it was one of the highlights of the show.  The students wrote, shot, directed and edited the film... and all day today when I would walk in on them editing it, I would just crack up with laughter (as did the audience tonight).  The student editing, and the student who helped make sure all the technical difficulties were worked out are our youngest students at my school... two 9th graders  took the responsibility for the project in a group with members who are super seniors. -not saying the others didn't do their parts... saying they trusted and relied on these young folks -who pushed through and made it work. Two parents came up to me to give me credit for the work -specifically mentioning certain pieces that in fact their children (unbeknownst to them) had written, and I was able to turn it back and say I was taking directions from them actually.

The mother of one of my students approached me and asked me about my trip, and I asked her about the upcoming trip her daughter had told me about today. She said she was so grateful to have a daughter who actually wanted to hang out with her at 16. We talked about the maturity her daughter shows in most things, how beyond her age some of these traits were... and then she told me what her daughter had said after her first week at a large public school. How it nearly broke her heart to hear about the suffering her daughter was going through, so that when she found our school...  The two had both felt a huge sense of relief... of safety. The Mom wished her other kids had known about the school.

And despite all the beauty and the love, and the pride.

I got home and thought about the students who didn't get to share in the success... the ones who don't feel connected. And it saddens me that I don't feel like I can genuinely invite them in-when I won't be there to ensure their place.
Every day I chastise myself for not being able to make the bridge, I see them suffering. Hearing from their fellow students that this has been a place of sanctuary and I just can't help.  One in particular I see so full of desire, and anger, and hurt.  So clearly at that point... and I worry he's tipping the other way.

I saw a former student tonight, riddled with scars from drug use. Generally looking damaged. I don't want to pity her, substance use happens... I just want better.  This girl was so sweet and now she can barely finish sentences. She says shes woken up, the cloud is gone, but without support...life doesn't insist.

I just want better for them, these kids whos names I'll forget. Who aren't my children, but sometimes play the role... and allow me to be their awkward father figure, friend and teacher all rolled into one.


What will I be without them? and because I haven't allowed myself this thought in a while, and not to be too prideful, but what will they be without us?
Will they know they are ok? better than that, will they know they are important? and wise? and talented? and good? and full of possibility? and creative? and capable? and smart? and so fucking funny? and sometimes super annoying because that can't see any of this?  and a challenge yes, and mean sometimes, and self-limiting, and not nearly as driven as I'd like them to be... but that those things don't make them dumb, or bad, or worthless, or unknowable, or undeserving... just - in progress. 
They are not done yet. Will someone they can trust in, be there to say I see you, I'm looking forward to seeing more.
As they deserve. As we all deserve.

goats and mirrors

I imagine a time when you are looking at old photographs, or clicking through facebook feeds, or tired and lonely... a bitterness will come over you, mixed with heart ache. A joy stunted, a chapped smile. It wont be a moment of self chastisement, because you've never been like that. It will be a moment of anger, lost opportunity for affection. And you'll wonder why I never knocked at your door. Never called too late. Never let my tongue slip. Never let my hands grip too tightly. I've never held you right. I never will. 
And in admiration you'll talk about your friend, your close close friend, warmth attempting to spread in any easy direction, and the sentence will end... as you find you're left wanting... coolness recapping all trace of what had spread, now an emptiness, a dread.

A friend asked what I was drawn to right now... I answered a good book, a journal, a long walk.

And if you are feeling particularly spiteful or in desire of a challenge, you'll guess at the meanings of words and gestures and looks.  You'll consider quick responses... Do you want to hang out sometime soon?  Sure. When?  Followed by long discussions, winding thoughts, jokes and stories,  way too much intellectualizing, shared notes from textbook sources, too much consideration in a way that almost seems validating, seems so validating, seems like something real... but you've never been quite sure. And then the distance... which you'll blame on me. The true invitation never opened. 
You'll perhaps second guess, considering gifts, or tasks meant to say "I am here for you," but wonder why nothing was asked to make it equal. Mutual sharing, never a strong point. Reciprocity a battle, with one combatant. There were words you'll say, words that meant a lot, that touched, that reached. Deep stares, the humanist of smiles. And then... what?  Gifts exchanged, then put away.

A friend said recently, that she considered me to be quite a private person. To which I scoffed.

And if you push this question, you'll ask why those boundaries were so invisibly present, so steadfast yet seemingly benign in the moment. You'll perhaps question at this point why you weren't good enough to be open with, why he(I) was so needlessly stubborn around you, so silent in moments that could have been alive, and so alive in moments that mattered little. Maybe you'll wonder why I never pushed past my rumbling stomach, or my hardened heart. You'll question why a person can't make leaps that seem so simple.  Perhaps you'll blame it on my work (as I often have) the draining exhaustion of -give too much and receive too little.  Then you'll consider my trips (as I often have) as escapes from this self imposition, and wonder why it was so necessary to leave you, to be me...

A friend recently said with some spite that -I was already gone.

and I am not sure I have the words, the convincing gestures, the right way to hold you, to make it seem any other way.  I haven't taken the risks, I haven't plead for understanding, I haven't asked...
and I probably won't.
It makes me sad, and feels very familiar.

I spent some time invested in the story of another the other day... I tried to shift the understanding the person had, to the reality of the story.  The words are such, believe they mean it... but when their behaviors don't follow, recognize they might be incapable of following through on what they mean...
Who we think we are and who we are... may not be aligned.

But it bothers me, for all my intentional presence... that I cannot meet the expectations I help create in people.  I am not a private person. I just don't value a lot of the things I have to say...I share them all day at work. I say them in journals and poems and blog posts.   I share my intellectual ideas, my spiritual ideas, I share them because I think they are important.  I share my feelings, but I share them after consideration.
I share my drama, when I can focus it on a track that makes it a learning experience.  I share my frustrations openly,  but I also enjoy them, so I am likely to laugh while doing so... so it may not seem like they are as intense  as they actually are. I share my anger, but I have a lot less of it than I used to, because I don't need anger to fuel my courage in the same way as I once did (that goes for outside world things). I don't share my heartache and personal anger as openly because I am extremely emotional and I know that these feelings come and go, positive and negative and I am a little protective of them.
I don't reach out, because I respect your space. Because I don't trust my hands with the right pressure. I don't call because I respect your time, because I am scared of your voice and the sound of rejection. I don't go to your events, because I don't enjoy myself in a crowd. I can't hear my thoughts, I can't concentrate my desires, and my desires are almost always about deeper connections, that I can't fathom at a party. I am a goat standing on a mountain, I want you to join me, when we are both sure you're ready.

But root of the issue... I don't think its the fact that I am a Capricorn that makes all this the reality.

-I think when I share too much people get overwhelmed, resentful, numb or dismissive. I am apt to make a fool of myself and alienate people.
-I think when I was young I didn't respect people's boundaries well enough, and so I am hyper sensitive about doing so now.
-I think the fact that I am a rather emotional person, requires me to be careful about how much I invest in other people. So I have to be a little protective.

But I don't do these things to be separate, evasive, private, shallow, half-assed.
I do them so I can be present, engaged, validating, concerned, respectful, loving.

Looks like I have some work to do to reconcile these behaviors with the meanings they are supposed to represent. 

Water

I've been having this dream that I am in bed (my moms old house is slp). And suddenly I feel wet on my shoulder.  I look and realize that the headboard (which has shelves) has water spraying out of the middle shelf.  I become vey anxious and look for the cause.  I remove things in the way,  try to keep stuff from getting wet like electronics and paper.  I noticed that the other side of the shelf also has a leak, and I attempt to plug it up thinking it may help. It does, momentarily both of these holes are not leaking anymore... But then there is another leak somewhere else and I start to feel like I need to fix this before i leave. 

I am 99 % sure this is an anxiety dream about not getting everything done before I leave... Or leaving a mess behind and not having time to deal with it.   But I don't really know what the leak is... 

2:40 AM

I spent most of the evening working on various online projects and watching a lot of comedy.
I updated a resume, looked up a lot of jobs and websites for jobs in south america... did a bunch of other stuff, like looking up the readability score of this blog (apparently it ranges from about 7-11th grade).  None of that is why I wanted to post. 

Its spring and I am excited. I see more people out and about, and can't help but be reminded that the world is beautiful. People are beautiful. Life is beautiful.
It leads me to all sorts of human feelings of longing, of lusting, or general fantasies of reaching out for connection.

Sometimes I watch the online videos of this professor lady I met on okcupid and had one skype chat with. She teaches communication which is something I am interested in, and she uses tons of funny clips so the videos are actually rather enjoyable. But I also like them because I wish I had gotten to know her more, and the videos give me the chance. So she has at least 1 course entirely online, and I watch each lesson as it comes out or a couple weeks after. Sort of like auditing the class... 
anyway I was watching one tonight and she said something that made me want to look her up on facebook...but when I did I found out she was engaged. I think they met right around the time I "met" her, and part of me is like wow they move quick... and part of me is like, damn I'm so jealous.   

I can always right it off, because she is a dog person. But I feel like I have really fallen out of touch with how normal things work. 

I am preparing to leave the country for between 6 months and a couple of years.  What am I doing?



In other news...
 Today I saw an older gentleman with a long white beard and long white hair tied up at the top of his head. He was wearing a pink shirt, and a pinkish orange skirt, and rollerblades.  He was drawing in a sketch pad. He was polite to the barristas. He had a presence like he was in the right, even though he looked ridiculous. An attitude of "don't you think I know what I am doing?  Haven't I earned the right to wear whatever the fuck I want? and fuck you"  kind of all rolled into one.
Except for the part of him not being a hunchback like me, I was totally wondering if I was seeing my future self.  If I live long enough, I hope to some day rollerblade or more likely skate, in whatever the hell I want... 
but I suppose I did that like a week ago...
I hope to grow a big white beard.

Monday

I'm sitting at the travel clinic about to get charged an arm and a leg (several hundreds for shots).  

I had a nightmare last night. 

The dream started as I was in bed, it felt very much like the actual situation except that I was in some other apartment, some other bed.  I was under the window and i was awaken from sleep by the sudden shift that happens when the electricity goes out.  It was so dark!  

The only light came from outside but it wouldn't penetrate the darkness of the apartment.  I stayed in bed for a long while waiting for the electricity to come back on, but it didn't.  I tried to let my eyes adjust but they wouldn't. 

Eventually I decided this must be the fault of the landlord, that she should fix it.  So I got out of bed hoping to awaken my roommate and get her number. I knocked the door several times.  Nothing, the eery  quiet continued.  I was trying to use my phone as a light but it wouldn't light up the room no matter what I did.  

Suddenly I heard a click at the door to the apartment.  The front door was around a corner from me, and I deduced in the dream that i would have the upper hand on whoever was breaking in because it was so dark and they wouldn't know the layout. 

As I crept up closer to the wall, my heart pounded and I suddenly rounded the wall to stop the would be attacker.  

But I woke up. My eyes wide open, a glow around a central figure a few inches from my face, it was not a person. It was a machine... A camera or something,  but it didn't appear to be on. 

I stayed very still and let my heart beat slow down, my breathing quieted. 

The glow in my vision faded slowly and I watched as my vision changed , got blurry.  

I couldn't understand what it was that I was looking at, or why it would become less clear in some ways while more clear in others.  

Eventually I could tell that part of the machine was the lamp in the corner... But   What was it that was so close to me? Staring at me?  

Heads.

I've been feeling so sleep deprived lately that I have been spacing out left and right... And occasionally passing out left and right.  For instance I took a nice 45 minute nap in the parking lot of Leeann chin this week.   

Well I finally finished at hamline so my life should be significantly reduced in stress... Yesterday was my first recovery day and I decided to see a movie and go to bed at like 11.  Today I woke up at 11 and realized i really didn't have anything pressing to do except maybe laundry.

So today I spent the day working on suggestions for my position at school. 

I came up with about 3 pages of info and suggestions for the future person.   It was sort of eye opening to write things down. I simultaneously realized I was doing way too much work, and not Doing much of my job very well.  I have a lot of non-teaching aspects that I have never really put very much effort into.  I am permanently behind on these tasks and all of them are accountability measures from the state or the district that make the school look good or bad.  They really require someone to focus... And I never did.  

But now I have a headache. 

Saturday 1 am

I am pretty ready for bed, so maybe I shouldn't be writing.
I finished Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance today and really enjoyed it. It left me feeling a little too excited at a certain point, and really moved by the end... but also a little shaken. I looked in the mirror and wondered who I was.
This is something I have been trying to put together for a while.  When my coworker asked me recently why I was leaving, I said... I am really grateful for what I have had, I've grown confident and happy with the work I have done, but I have neglected major parts of myself for this job... and I need to go find them. 
This week when we told the students that we were leaving, I cried.  I cried for myself, I cried for them too... but I haven't cried much for me this last year... I've felt very unable to be emotional, like its too much to be vulnerable in that way.  
Today I was wondering what others see, do they see me?  I am not even sure what I see, so how do I know if they see me or not?
I've grown really confident and ready to move on, but I have become really closed off, really unable to be vulnerable, or truly warm, to really emote, or care or create... and if I've grown stronger in giving this up...able to see beauty and encapsulate it in my brain, to experience beauty, enjoy it even, but with a distance that feels really much too safe...  no vulnerability in any of it at all...
then I hope that in my travels this shell sheds, even if it means I fall apart.
What I mean is... I might need to dissolve a little, to find some better form of integration, so that when I look in the mirror I see me, not just an aesthetic that sometimes I appreciate, and sometimes don't even recognize.  More than that, a presence that I recognize and that can be recognized... I only use the mirror example because I sometimes realize when I look in the mirror how distant I look... like I'm not even in this space at all.  

I've been so much more aware of smells lately... 
so sensitive, and it feels right... 
like its calling me... telling me to be honest
telling me to give up all the intellectual pretense
to be part of something more natural
to sooth and be soothed by sensations
to love and be loved in relationship