ghgdfmk desrregard

Have I posted that before?

Some thoughts on this Saturday night, most of which I already journal-ed aboot toooooday.

I've been reading The People of the Book, which is good. It makes me sad though.  I love the weaving of history and mystery together.

I'm lonely tonight, but I don't think I want anyone... rather I have no one in mind that I feel called to. I have been thinking about this a lot lately because I wonder what has shifted so much, that I don't long for anyone. I have people on my mind regularly, I miss them I suppose, but I don't know of anyway to satisfy the lack of connection, so even if I miss someone, I don't feel called to them. its sort of a shitty feeling to be honest.  It runs parallel with the lack of crushes. The days you go through without anyone you want to impress, or think about, or who makes the day a tad bit more exciting.
I have longings for a certain amount of excitement and sensuality, but not for a person in particular.
Even in my dreams the ones I follow have no faces, covered faces, mystery people.


I had this sad feeling about my Dad tonight. This feeling like he wasn't always going to be so strong, so sturdy, wouldn't always be there to listen. Like perhaps even now when he still seems so full of life he is just faking the confidence (sometimes), it reminded me of times when as a kid I felt sorry for him, felt like my desires clashed with his, and that he wouldn't be able to satisfy them like he wanted to.  Like he wanted to be my hero, but knew he couldn't be.   I saw my Dad look at his father this way, with a hell of a lot of love and respect, but with a certain amount of pity and despair knowing it wouldn't last... this life, it won't last.  I don't like the idea of people seeing me in pain, or wasting away... the thought of seeing my parents or my siblings that way kills me.


Yesterday I left work so full of hope and pride, happiness. I felt like I had accomplished things, like everything would be alright. I hope that continues.

I am in the "holy shit what am I getting myself into" phase of leaving. My Dad asked me today if I had any reservations about leaving, and I don't... but I am scared.
Scared I will be hurt. Scared for my possessions. Scared I will fail. Scared I won't find the opportunities I am seeking. Scared something will happen that calls me home. Scared that I will be a world away, frightened and lonely. Scared I will be scared.

Its such a funny set of fears... as if I have no where to land. As if I don't have backup plans. As if I didn't want exactly these things.
I was thinking about the loss of possessions, when you are backpacking your bag is all you have. Its everything, and it takes on these wild dimensions that get elevated beyond their proportion... my phone and ipad, a credit card, a passport... they are all so easily replaced and yet in my head they are my lifelines.   The loss impairs me, it keeps me from my plans my dreams, opportunities etc.
And yet, these fears will keep me from far more if I let them.
I think back on places I have been and how annoyed I am with my younger self for not experiencing them more fully... I was enthralled with the wrong things. Concerned with money when I could have been experiencing the beauty of the world... I need to let go. Remember I have nets, wits, skills and paperwork to boot. I have heart, and curiosity, and a family to come home to if nothing else works.

With just a few weeks left, I find myself looking at things differently. For instance I am doing laundry tonight and questioning whether I should really wash a shirt or pair of pants... or if they can just be tossed now instead of in a few weeks. I am purging a ton of stuff. Some of it feels like a waste. Some I know I will regret while other stuff I know I will just buy again in the future.
Its the stuff with parts that freaks me out... a small space heater, happy light, a dehumidifier, a fan, a half broken alarm clock, a printer, a keyboard... Where to take this stuff?
Or the meaningful stuff?  paintings people did for me & paintings I created, t-shirts from clubs I was involved in & t shirts from bands I saw...  the small stuff can be tucked into boxes, but why keep a blanket that can be easily replaced and takes up too much room?

This basically means I have to buy a new life when I get back... I am unsure when that will be and it makes things like asking my Dad to keep my car in his driveway a little weird.  If its 6 months great. If its 2 years?  I am likely going to have to ask him to sell it later.

I've been cleaning things up at work. Tucking folders away in cabinets. Clearing out emails. Trying to turn in all the paper work. My shelves look bare but still have the imprint of my presence.  In a few months no one will know what my part was, but they will find the fodder of my time there. They will find it annoying and question why I was so bad at certain aspects of my job. They will wonder why I wasn't better organized and then they will try to do the job, and likely be distracted as I was.

The students will be hard on them.
The students will be hard on themselves.


Am i out of things to rant about?