Got about three months left of Grad School, still feels a bit long. I am more worried about ending my internship. I like the place so much, plus I have some clients I don't want to get rid of so quick -for their own good. The hard thing is that I still want to take on clients, even though I don't have the time or skill to handle them. Too much trauma there, sorry. Too much drama there, sorry. Too simple, kind of boring, sorry. Plus I want to keep the relationships with counselors. It would be easiest, if I could just transition into a job super easy with hours and supervision and a little volunteering on the side.

Also friends, and writing, and family, and a girlfriend?
Two years in grad school plus a year at MCTC lead to nothing in that regard.
I did make friends though. I don't know who will last. I like having K and T in my circle. I'd like to include a few other people from school who have interesting ideas, ask questions or challenge my assumptions. I am pretty sick of the professors. They are all nice enough, but fuck em.
I don't know how I will incorporate teaching and counseling into my schedule. Like if I get a counseling type job then maybe I should volunteer for ESL at night. If I get a more mixed job, maybe I should volunteer at Wicc. If I don't get a job, I can write and do both, wouldn't that be amazing? Maybe that's what I'd spend my billions on.  Actually I'd probably start another Wicc, with a few paid staff.

Or maybe a free school, a drop in center with great classes, a combo of the above, with groups!
And a home. And some travel yearly.


I am at the Northloop Spyhouse. it feels very different. Kinda chic, techno music and tile floor, kinda european, makes me wanna travel, i've been thinking a lot about Argentina and Chile lately, how much I loved them. How nice it was to travel with J. How wonderfully different they were from the Andean countries.

It feels like spring, though the weather is cold. Flowers are pollenating and it is headachy.

A few days separation from M allowed me the headspace to remember that we are very different, that I don't actually know her that well, that there is nothing promised. Then I randomly ran into her at the co-op and I was like, "damn, I'd drop my afternoon if I could."  I didn't feel it that strongly, but there was a thought.
Thats what I want to have again.

Gonna go conquer the world.

Nothing to Hide

I woke up and told myself I was not my body, nor my mind, nor my mood. Too low, too biologically predisposed to stay in bed. I practiced being the observer of thoughts, of behaviors. Nothing but a boy washing himself in a shower. Nothing but a guy driving to the coffee shop. Nothing but a pull in the direction of a pretty girl. Nothing but a frustration with homework. Nothing but an ever present worry that loneliness will remain. And temporarily, I could of course remind myself that only yesterday I had felt otherwise. And tomorrow of course, could be a new day. Likely will be. Just focus on the task at hand, I told myself. And laughed at videos on youtube. And smiled at the games played at the baby shower. And reached out casually to those I love. And worried all the while in the back of my non present mind, that I was fooling myself. Going through the motions, while every bit of my soul pleaded for some taste of what is really desired, and my observer self reminded it that it wasn't true, wasn't the only reality. You're nothing more than a serotonin deficiency. Wear something nice in case they take pictures. Nothing but a gray sky. You should have combed your hair. Nothing but the lack of caffeine. You should eat more protein in the morning. Nothing but too much sleep. Go to target to get gift wrap. Nothing but a pending headache. Stop wasting your time on social media. Nothing but the end of a hard week. Help with the clean up at the party, find a role, don't hide, don't mind your phone, smile, speak louder, don't mumble, help others feel better for showing up, for contributing, think about their day, think about their anxiety, their nervousness, put yourself in their place but don't feel guilty, don't feel ashamed, thats the worst thing you could do right now. By the time I came home, I wanted to sleep but had a paper to write. Still do. I took a nap, had a dream that was thrilling and felt so real, woke up to multiple texts from people asking how I was. I didn't want to reply, worried it was my agitation and not my pain that wished to speak, wished to plead, wished to reach for something true in a day of being so outside myself.

I think I have an anxious romantic attachment style, but a secure friendship attachment. So when a potential romantic interest becomes a friendship I become settled into my role, even if I secretly want more or crave their attention it is easier for me to feel confident in the boundaries and the reality that I won't be crushed when they don't want me. 

My romantic relationships have almost all begun during times when I have multiple crushes, and I was able to jostle the different possibilities for long enough that I could settle into feeling somewhat secure in the role, because the positive feelings of each counterbalanced the highs and lows, after feeling more secure in the role, I have at times been emotionally drawn away by friends needs, but never physically (I haven't cheated). 

I probably seem avoidant to most people, because in my attempts to stay secure, I over compensate towards avoidant in order to not lose myself. I know my tendencies to be drawn by each batted eye or scent. 

The book suggests I fall for someone boring long enough to have a secure oxytocin connection rather than be drawn to the highs and lows of chemical anxious system response. 

Heart and the Head Knowledge

A friend told me the heart and the head('s) knowledge are different, some times they don't cross the divide. The bridge isn't always there. It was on a different subject. I was still thinking of Harriet at the time.

I don't remember if I got a warning. Part of me suspects I did and forgot to write it down, after all how many dreams of you pregnant have I had? Pregnant with a new idea, a new job, a new relationship, a new life... How many dreams brought me up to speed before your words did?
But the last one I wrote down for sure was over a year off.
Of all the things to be weirded out by, I wonder where the tether is... why it did not cross the divide. Was it around the time that Krystin died? Was it around the time I was told I was to be an Uncle? Was it around the time I stressed myself out over school? Or threw myself head first into counseling? Or cried so so so many times last fall? this winter? where was the dream?

I'm so happy for you, I mean on a personal level, I really am. I'm so so so so happy for you. I am happy for the world. I may not always approve of everything else, but the idea of a little you in the world makes me happy. I imagine it is a girl. Thats so weird.


I was up late last night unable to sleep. I was thinking of relationships and trips. I was thinking of how life unspools in a way that feels as if this thing will always matter as precisely as it seems to right now. But tomorrow it really doesn't. I don't remember what that room looked like. Or the name of that town. Or the name of that student. Or that face. That set of arms. That laugh. I wanted to stop to see Victoria, but I couldn't get myself to do it, just as always. I worried she'd be too skinny, or I would feel too distant.

I cried in Starbucks yesterday thinking about Krystin. Thinking about her Dad and his desire to find closure. Thinking about her brother and his distance. Thinking about myself.

I cried thinking about Harriet today. I couldn't even remember her name, but I did recall the sound of her voice, the cheeky look on her face, a restaurant in Sucre.

I cried today, just for a second thinking of my lonesome self. A pity party for one. I hate how often I am desperate for company, but don't want to say anything. Easy enough to tell a friend, I want you to like me, much harder to say why.