Yesterday E said that she was worried about the spotting without her period coming. She wondered about getting a pregnancy test. She bought three. Two of them are still sitting on top of a book case in my apartment with positive signs.
I remember entering my apartment, waiting for her to call, and just saying a little prayer. "Inshallah" If this is what you want, if this is the next step, I'll accept it.
It wasn't long after she facetimed me with the news. Several hours later (as is her way), she came over and we watched Dexter and talked about it more. I found myself in a place of serenity, perhaps some distance, perhaps a desire to not attach to this notion -knowing how easy it is to lose a pregnancy. I told her these things. But it put so much into sudden focus. How many things will have to change for her, and I. How even the short term, leaving my job and traveling, suddenly feels like a weird thing to do. And then again, maybe we take a vacation because we don't get to later? I dunno... everything seems different, and yet, not much has changed. Its an open door.
This morning as we were leaving for work, she asked nonchalantly if we even know each other enough to commit to the radical news that now we will be bonded the rest of our lives.
We went to work. From the start of the day it felt like there would be endless drama and for what? So many people stuck, bickering, avoiding.
E had a few appointments with her med providers who shared that for now at least, she should stay on all her medications.
She worries I doubt her ability to work through stuff, to handle it. In the middle of the night I reminded her that that provides me an opportunity to step up and be useful.
I am both terrified and assured.
I had trouble sleeping (who me?), laying next to her, wanting to connect to reassure and be reassured. She has been getting sick more easily, sensitive to smells, exhausted, a bit more crabby, a bit more whiney. I see her in a new light, I am like 'who is this person I might be tied to the rest of my life?' 'can I trust them?" and I am sure she is thinking the same questions, even though she probably would reassure me that she is confident. I daydream about planning, living space (2 bedroom? house/apartment?), saving money (do we try to save for a year), medical insurance, buying stuff, baby sitters(both sets of my parents), her family, mine. Ali's newborn will be 6 months older than ours. James' kids will be approx 3 and 5. Her nephews will be the same 3, 5. Her niece will be 9ish. E is already taking prenatal vitamins, but probably forgetting her night time eye meds. She is wondering how to deal with the changes, and she is already feeling sick. Living up to expectations. Joining the sisterhood of mothers.
The potential due date would be around Christmas. Sagittarius or Capricorn (just like E and I).
When do I tell my parents? Do I ask James for advice? He hasn't even met her.
This is so unlike me. In one of my 'dreams' last night I stood in a circle of windows and mirrors, all the expectations of myself and went around smashing them. It felt a little violent, but freeing. Hi parents, I know I am the last person you expected to have an "oops baby" but here we are... will you love and accept me? E? this new life? And I don't doubt that they will, even find ways to celebrate the unexpected. We move forward, we grow and change.
Since we started dating (Jan 29th -we decided was our first date), I have always said that one of the things I am drawn to about E, is that she challenges my ideas of how things 'should be,' or how 'I should be' and by doing so gives me freedom to be me. It's a funny recognition how my immediate first response was "how can I be useful" and hers was "What are you feeling?" And she does need me to be useful, but she still let me vent today about how frustrating work was, and reassured me that even though she was irritated with her own stuff, that was what she wanted from me, to be real.
Over the last few days there have been so many little things at work and in life where I doubt and then she shows up as partner in ways I hadn't even thought of asking her to. Many of these were in work, in the passionate/connective side of work. It's so soothing.
I don't know what comes next, and yet, again, it feels like a doorway to a new life. Years ago I might have been more freaked out. Years ago I tried to have a baby. Years ago I prepared myself to be a step Dad. I questioned, and worried, and planned... I've read parenting books. I might not have pregnancy and early life down, but I'll be invested. I'll probably go buy 15 books and then annoy the shit out of her. Probably fuck up a whole lot... but don't we all?
Its so funny how I am like drastically trying to reimagine all the scripts I have had for this parenting thing. Like, what if we aren't financially stable? What if we have to rely on our parents? What if we have a high needs kid with physical and mental health challenges? What if I am hurt or can't provide?What if E is a stay home mom? What if I am a stay home dad? What if.... so on and on and on. I am trying not to think about it all, distracting, focusing on other things. But so many things to accept and just enjoy as they come... and it's weird because, that's both a challenge that I worry about and one I look forward to. A doorway to a different Mike? Accept and enjoy. I need to meditate. I need to pray. I need to sing. I am not ready to say thank you yet. I am ready to plead for safety and support.
The only thing that I am actually annoyed with now is how easy it is to be frustrated and have low tolerance for bullshit. I am sure I will adjust, but so much feels so silly and petty now. I have bigger things to care about. Thats actually a lovely thing. Instantly I recognize how out of balance my life is, and instantly I am scared I don't know how to fix it. But I am assured that I am annoyed by the right things, and able to stay present in the moments it matters -at least at work - I am more like E in that way right now.
Maybe I am not "ready." Maybe no one is. Maybe she and I have both been training for this for a long time, and our weird ways of handling the day to day logistics will just magically turn into something that resembles a life for this new one? I don't know. Maybe I just need to have faith it will be ok.
E jokes that a Christmas baby might be G-d trying to say something to her.
We downloaded an app that says it would be the size of a poppy seed right now.
So much change promised by something so small. That is quite the beautiful thing to marvel at... maybe when I stop being overwhelmed, I will take a moment to sit with some awe and wonder.
