3 am thoughts

You could become a street performer, a volunteer, a clown without borders, a teacher, a janitor, a tutor for English learners, a protester, a writer, a blogger or vlogger an actor, a radio dj or podcaster.

You could stop fighting your body and start considering its strengths, train it, grow with it, breathe and yoga pose with it. 

You could march in the struggle, and just be a member. One of a million that mattered because together they made a million instead of one. Lost in a sea of humanity instead of always trying to stand apart.

Where your gifts meet the needs, but what are all of your gifts? And which needs are you open to?

The world is yours.

I was talking to my boss today about her other job, the business she wants to start, and all the road blocks she has run into.

Who do we want to work with, where, why, how will we make it work, who do we need to deal with in order to do it...

When I was working at my old school there were a bunch of bullshit things we had to do, but in a lot of ways we were encouraged to either treat them that way, or to find ways to not do them(figure out a better way). This meant that you could focus on and enjoy the very challenging but meaningful work instead of despairing over the bs.

In my life, things have usually just worked out. Big decisions were anxiety producing, but eventually lead to breakthroughs, opportunities would be presented at the right moments etc. a lot of this had nothing to do with me, except maybe I was prepared to say yes, or maybe I had been working on the skills to follow through. But the opportunities were usually just gifts. 

I feel stuck right now. It's ok, I can learn to accept the low level input:output, I am enjoying the time off, playing computer games and writing...

But I feel very disconnected from passion, from reaching out, from the desire to act and to open my arms to people... And I hate that. 

I hate that I don't know what to do with my lack of openness. I can't pry and push, I don't want to.  

I want to find something that seems hopeful and jump, but I don't see any green light opportunities... And it makes me very aware that much of the world operates this way daily, that life feels devoid of meaning and oppressive this way for many, that opportunities aren't given to most, that doors are shut and it's hard to pry them open when you'll just have to deal with a new set of locked doors on the other side.

I am angry that our world traps us, instead of freeing us. It would be so easy to make life better, and we have decided hardship is somehow the state of the world and reinforced it by choosing locks and fear. 

There is a certain comfort in walking, in walking in freezing rain, in feeling the wind pass through your clothes, in the dampness on your head, in the blurryness of wet glasses that block the view, in drops of ice that melt down your face, a certain invigoration, a certain adventurousness, a certain calling of old, a handful of memories, a handful of desires that claim you're not having a good time, a certain set of lies that make the world seem magical, blissful, comforting, a certain amount of truth. 

Dreams

A person long absent, is absent and getting more absent in my dreams, while I try to make excuses for why I'm staying on her couch for the first time in years.  And we are all worried, even the landlord who questions is wondering where she is going. 

Discernment

At work tonight I was chatting with a couple coworkers. We talked about ourselves and other people we were associated with.  I was struck by the way my coworker seemed so similar to the way I've perceived myself in the past, it was a strange haunting, a curiosity and confidence about people, a shared nature (that I often feel detached from now), but though I was envious of the desire to get to know people, I was also struck by the shallowness of it. Getting to know someone, like a trophy. A collected person. 

And there is that in me too. I also want to collect people. I also want to think fondly on my collection.

And yet, there is a distance now. Walls that seem natural and permanent. A disinterest, a forgetting.  A push back where once I might have constructed the bridge. 

And also there is a desire to be that for someone, a piece collected. To want to be known. 

I've been thinking about the "date" I had recently. How disinterested she seemed in me, how it was easier for her to go on about her own thoughts and interests than feigning interest in me.  And I can understand that, its the other side of the same coin. In either case, protecting. I ask myself why I turn the tables and ask questions. Is it humility? Is it curiosity? Is it just that I want the person to really care, if they are asking and its easy to prove they don't if they don't push? Is it that I am bored with my life and don't have an interest in the mundane things I could share?

I've been dissatisfied. I don't know what I want, or where I am going. I feel like I am already dead, and I have to choose a new life, but none of them sound interesting. 

I want to figure it out, but I don't really have the time, space, energy or connection I want in order to do so. 

The thing I want from Grad School: regardless of the subject,  is a time to think and process, a community of people in the same position, a period of growth and change accompanied by others in the same spot. 

Why don't I ask my friends? Because they are not in the same spot. 

I am surrounded by opportunities, that don't seem interesting enough. 

I think I am special. 

Meeting new people

Before going to meet  "C" i felt a weird mix of nervousness and excitement and also a "you've done this a million times" it's normal kind of feeling. It wasn't just my head reminding me of that, it was a felt reaction.

When she sat down I didn't get up to meet her, it felt weird like we were already planning on being friends not romantic. And that's kind of how it proceeded. Not an interview, but I asked questions, she responded. I shared a little but I didn't feel like I related entirely to a lot of what she was saying so it was more just listening and trying to understand. 

Her background and choices. Her mistakes and attempts to make them better.  Her interests and why... 

We batted around a few societal issues which was fun. 

With more time I could imagine it being much more mutual, growing a shared experience. 

She didn't look me in the eye when she talked, she often looked away, both when she was talking or when I was... So I didn't feel connection. I guess it was a lot of her thinking, and sharing it.

When she mentioned certain places, specifics, she looked at me, almost like an invitation.

When I was younger I would have attempted to be more empathetic to her situation, but as it was I became more reflective - because she had obviously spent a lot of time processing it all.

Overall I was really impressed with her insight into her own life, experiences and reactions. I've met very few people who have dealt with a lot and been able to deal so well. 

But she was also really aware of the distance that causes between herself and others. Which was kind of fascinating.

Shared interests, but not chemistry. I guess that is how these things sometimes go.