So last night while talking to Kat I started learning how to play "9 crimes" by Damien Rice, and today I started learning how to play "leap your bar" by John frusciante.... my keyboard sucks, and I suck at it. Im not sure I will ever get to a place where I could play either of these songs while singing them... but maybe.

its also weird to see how people's tabs and what not are slightly off... you have to correct a few notes now and then.

so heres a serious question for the three of you who might actually answer (feel free to comment if there are already three answers, dont be shamed away)

If you had to choose between going down in the minds and hearts of all the people you love, as the person you want to be... like accomplishing the things you want to, treating people the way you want to treat them, etc etc... but not finding anyone to share it with... (in essence like sharing with many people, but not finding anyone in particular more special, and dying well loved/respected, but not attached)
or
being attached to one person (two three whatever your choice) but having them remember you as more of a normal human, special to them, but not anything special to the world...

which would u choose?



******

I think I would rather find someone, but it would disappoint my ego greatly to not be special... and im sort of wondering to what extent that means im all egotistical...
also Im wondering if fate pushes the other one in my direction, if i would be able to handle that.... try to be great, but not connected
******
I know in the sort of ideal short run, I have made peace with death (obviously i wouldnt know until i faced it) but in the long run, i expect a lot from life... and assume i will be disappointed if one of these two things doesnt happen, but which would i be more disappointed with?

People in my dreams are so much more affectionate than in real life, thats sort of weird.

my mom woke me up with a call from menards where she was waiting to hear about the screen door length and width.... which meant i had to run downstairs to get a tape measure and measure the door in my boxers.... nice.

the last of the pre-meetings today... then i am apparently going shopping with my pops for some clothes... though i seem to have 2 wardrobes already.

Someone in a dream told me my striped shirt didnt look very formal, i was standing ina room full of people wearing various forms of striped attire, and some how mine stood out as less formal to them. I also spent half of that dream running around on a small snow mobile looking for my car... thinking that I would put the sno mobile in the trunk when i found the car... but i basically had to wait till the parking lot was clear before I found it, and I think steve was waiting for me to call him.
lots of weird shit in my dreams honestly...
friends of friends, coloring books, i think there was cake.
but there should always be cake right?

on another note.

there are like a number of trips to see people i wanna take... but i have to have patience till after my 6 week job is over...and thats bothersome, because im not doing anything important right now... argh.

So the thing about sitting around and watching movies and playing computer games and sitting in front of your computer all day long is that you start to feel more and more like a fat loser... i mean what with the candy wrappers, and 3 distinctly different piles of fastfood remnants, and bottles of water and pop... and the dirty clothes, and the lack of creativity or reading or accomplishing anything....

and i shouldnt really feel this way... i have been hanging out with people for like 5 days straight, my family is back, im not alone anymore...

maybe its the not having a purpose thing.
maybe its the overrelying on one or two people for your self esteem fix.
maybe it is the lack of applying myself.
maybe its because i eat fastfood and dont exercise.

but the process seems to sustain itself
and my self esteem seems to go down with each day,
and my weight seems to be rising even though my mother's scale says im within normal ranges... a surprise to me.

all afternoon i felt like i was gonna pass out, like i wasnt getting enough oxygen.. like i had a fever. I took a nap, no one ever called... i woke up with more energy but not feeling better.

Petes sister and her husband went to morris, he graduated with the same degree I have, and was telling me all about teaching and how to get a job.... a little intimidating. He suggested volunteering whereever I can, and not doing substituting, nor working in minneapolis (just because they have a tendency to drop people every year). Also he said, if they ask about coaching, tell em I dont have any experience but I can learn. Which I sort of knew I would have to say, and that the best way to stay at a school is to get involved with everything quick. He also reminded me that I probably cant student teach at SLP.... whichI had forgotten, but oh well.
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Its hard to go to weddings when you are lonely... even the people who arent in relationships have dates, and I show up, and half the people would be off limits because they are related to pete, and the other half have dates... but im shy and dont drink so it would be difficult anyway.

Im starting to doubt that I will find anyone ever, I mean I will certainly find girl friends, but if I keep my standards I still havent met the girl I would marry (and be happy with). Its weird how these moods make me question relationships so much, where as when im happy I dont even notice the little problems... and Im not in a mood for a wedding or anything, it would just be nice for the security.

faith right? faith.

Its just weird to see so many seemingly happy people... dancing and having a good time, and not being embarassed... singing to eachother, kissing in front of everyone... sort of beautiful-heart warming, sort of hard to not want that right?
Sure I love my loves, but some of them I couldnt even date, let alone marry, and with school fading fast, and work not being exactly the most exciting place for prospects... well I have seen the minneapolis dating scene, and its not for me, bars and what not... ick.

anyway this is way too much rambling on this subject. my romantic heart is frustrated.

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Anyone listen to sponge anymore? I just have new pop sunday, and they are sort of irritating/lovely...

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ooh on that note, I have never heard 4/5s of the songs they play at these weddings, and I wonder how everyone knows the lyrics??? where have I been? should I be listening to the oldie stations? am I missing a whole genre called wedding dance floor music?


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well I have to watch pirates 2 tonight, because I am apparently going to # 3 tomorrow around 11 or something...
and I got a couple cats who wanna hang out.... will do will do.
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how are you? Enough with the well put together blog posts and e mails, how about some ranting? (from you. make me feel useful people)

so I been hanging with peoples and my fam is home and im still fiening for a girlfriend... dont rush, relax, push and you will get shoved. besides i dont know anyone i wanna date.. and just a few days ago i was thinking how wonderful it is to have so many female friends and no girlfriend, no jealousy tell em all you love em.. no worries, no expectations. anywho.

Jessica and ms davis and her boy darts at a bar i never been to... weird casual but not quite deep catching up. made me want to hang more... but seems strange to up and walking in to someone's life.

yesterday pete and kiera, in town for a wedding (today) headed to the reception tonight... hung with nick and foulkes and aimee.

Interesting times. Didnt drink or smoke, went to bed at 4, woke up with a headache.

how am i gonna sneak chris in this weekend? manana?

monday tom and krystin and alicia and I are going to the third pirates movie, and people keep asking me to go, and i keep saying no im goin on monday.
i havent even seen 2 so i gotta rent that i think.

anywho... im a funny looking kid apparently... but people keep telling me i look aight.


fuck this hair. fuck this attitude. all trees and flowers.

I think the problem with living in the present, is that it pretty much requires forgetting (to some degree) the past. Which might seem to be a good thing, as in not letting yourself be held down by old bullshit...but it also might mean not learning the lessons from past mistakes.... and even more so, it might mean forgetting the good times -because how can they compare to now? Well they probably cant just due to the fact that your hormones and chemicals are flowing at the time, not later, but how fair is it to your life that has come before to say "this is the best meal" "this is the best trip" "this is the best conversation" "this is the best person" ever ever ever ever... sure u mean it at the time... but wait a day, a week, a month, a year and all of a sudden that feeling is quite diminished because the present has been calling... and the past seems less shiny-new-exciting.

and then then loneliness kicks in, and with loneliness comes the desire to make stupid decisions-desperation.

Is this becoming a twice weekly report?

I guess i havent been struck by much to say lately... do you think the overwhelming number of movies that show the struggle between work time and family time actually helps anyone remember not to be a workaholic? Dont we all make those decisions, briefly put work or money over family and friends, becomes a trend, becomes a way of life...

As an example of egotism/being an over worrier... the feelings im having right now, about wanting to remind someone to look out for themselves (upon first meeting, perhaps they are charmed off their feet.) but why should i be daddy? the conscience reminder, do i ever listen to my friends when they give me warnings? probably not entirely but i do like their advice, or to hear their opinions....
still why act like you can control a friend from making decisions (good or bad? ) one can only wait and find out... not actually my beliefs... but for now what i need to remind myself, for it is my ego and not my worries that seek to shelter them no?

So I watched 3 movies last night, all somewhat entertaining... all a little predictable. RV, the Longest yard and Click
and today i bought art supplies and sim city 4... which i may already be bored with.
did some laundry, did some cleaning, fed some fish. but mostly i been sitting on my ass this week.

tonight we shall if pete or shultz calls... and we shall see if thats any fun.
am I in a mood? i think so, this heart breaking singing of janis is making it worse... but it soothes and manipulates the pain so well, no?

Im having a hard time getting certain things done, and by certain things I mean writing people I need to write.

There is probably a list of somewhere between 6-20 people i need to write really bad, before the opportunity is completely gone and what not... or they said something I need to respond to, or i need to thank them for something. Its not that I dont think a lot about what to say, its that I seem to get really afraid of writing it down all of a sudden when its time.
Sometimes in the middle of the night i wake up and run to my computer and type out an e mail to someone because i have either been thinking about it so much, or because a dream told me to, or because suddenly i awoke with the inspiration... but mostly i sit around all day near my computer thinking about e mails i need to write and I do every other little thing first, hoping that the momentum will get me to do it.
but basically i have a fear of writing... i think because im afraid of making a mistake... its like I know what i want to say, and I know im good at getting it across to the person, but im afraid that the moment will come and i wont say it right. so i dont do it.
I spose in some ways im having that problem in a variety of creative mediums... and i blame it on not having the right tools, or the right energy... like i was talking to my dad on the phone and he was asking if i was painting anything and i said "no, you have all my supplies right now, and i dont know what to draw..." then i realized i was actually drawing on the computer while he was talking to me... it wasnt that i didnt want to... it was that i didnt want to be held accountable... its one thing to fuck around with ms paint its another to paint on canvas... people see it. you cant screw up...

im afraid of screwing up.

its weird because now everything seems so set, and i dont have to worry about anything... im back in school i have a summer job... friends are aight... my biggest worry is feeding the damn fish while my mom is in san diego.
but im sitting around watching movies and youtube and checking e mail and listening to music and reading alone in my room.... not doing anything fun, not really hanging out with anyone... and when they call im glad, im happy to go out.. but i dont really know what to do...

Lunch with Nova was good, but it made me think about all the things there arent really words for. Too many major concepts without answers, or easy answers at least and these conversations can turn in to up all nights, and given time they can turn to poetry, songs, books, and movements, given time maybe they could turn into changes, given enough time and effort maybe they could turn in to a better world.. but we were exhausted with a few hours...



and afterwards that psychic didnt tell me what i needed to hear.



I been sitting around not really doing anything productive, watching a lot of movies instead of making them. Thinking alot but not writing it down and I havent even started in on the fun reading... my rents will be gone all next week and I wonder if I will be lonely... I wonder if I will buy groceries.





check in and tell me how your day was.. it would mean a whole lot to me. thanks

Its been less than a week since graduation and what a strange week.
Saturday night we went out, and it was fun, a little weird... then sunday it was finish packing and come home... where i had nothing to do... but we had dinner with my mom for mothers day... then monday me and steve took off to meet up with my dad and aunt out in sioux falls where my gramps lived and celebrated his birthday 84th birthday of the 14th... its funny i can remember how old he is, but i cant remember my parents birthdays... anyway I stayed the night there talking to Becky on the phone... and its been nice sharing with her, and sort of going through the same troubles and transitions... relationships, jobs, life... the ickiness..but its really nice to connect with someone who you are comfy with.
Anyway me and steve drive back the next day,(tuesday) and go out to dinner with my older brother at benihana where we order expensive food though none of us have a great deal of money... and then go see hot fuzz... which they think is amazing because they like police movies but i have to say shaun of the dead was better... of course james hasnt seen shaun of the dead so he cant compare and i tell him to go rent it that night... which he probably didnt do.
wednesday morning i go to an interview for a 6 week summer enrichment program for special needs students... and basically get the job... or at least I seem to have... they asked me back for a 3:30 meeting in which they set out some of the parameters of the program with the staff... so yeah.
Wednesday night I hang with becky, we watch 2 great movies, the science of sleep and the documentary about the dixie chicks controversy shut up and sing and then this morning i wake up and find an e mail that says I can come back to morris for the ed program if I want... and i have serious reservations... however it really is the best thing for me... and hopefully it will just be a semester out there and then back to teach in the city.

my mom says i should contact some schools right now for placement...

the big negative is not being here for my girls...
but it also means so much less work, a place I know and have friends... and teachers who i think are good... a program that is supposedly great etc...
sort of worried about breaking some hearts.

really havent hung out with anyone yet...
i got 4 As and an A- for my 20 credits.

the saddest news all week, my gramps is in the hospital, hopefully just for a small infection and exhaustion, but he apparently had a lot of problems right away after we left... and honestly his health takes a turn for the worse every time he is lonely or frustrated... and its hard and sad...

steve rushed out to see him, Im very proud of him for that. I love his willingness.

the new brother ali cd is genious, but i keep listening to best friends forever because i need the cheeriness.

how are you?

laurel knows the coolest stuff








On another note.... Im totally mad at myself and contemplating stupid shit like doing extra work just so i have some self -credibility... laurel called it integrity thats probably the right word.

as a side note... i think i like when people write in the margins of books... i like to hear their thoughts, even if its just a report of what they caught from it... and at one point (a point I had thought about a lot too) the woman who had once owned this book wrote something like "this is my life: especially all this stuff Im going through with jimmy" or something like that.... and it made me want to meet her.

I just finished a novel, in about 6 hours im gonna wake up and write a review... its sort of a weird book. made me think a lot about love, and sex, and humanity, and politics. Made it hard to assume there was a right and wrong, and yet, so obvious that there was a hurtful and a beautiful and these these things often came in waves one after the other.

At one point the main character falls in love with a girl, passionate, but not complete... so when they break up he longs for her, is angered and confused, but also looks at her wondering if he ever knew her, and doesnt understand why the feelings are so strong.

At another point he talks about a girl he grew up with, a friend who he had slept with many times, and describes how absolutely beautiful she is as a person, how inspiring, but he never says that he wants her, in fact, the seperation is what allows him to truly love her, but he doesnt reflect on that.

His sexual appetite is that of a horny teenager, and he indulges... yet as he grows, becomes more disturbed by it... not that he stops but is more aware of the negativity. more aware that he wants something better.

and through these flings, and observing the relationships and sexual practices of those he loves, he starts to sense that there is a learning process through it all, that his parents havent stopped being the immature teens that they once were and he is, the power, money, success, status does nothing to make them less insecure, but affords them the ability to relax enough to think about where they want to go... this of course all takes place mostly in london between the late 60s-early 70s and the early 80s so the process is also one of swinging through things like hippie ideas and and east asian philosphys -to nihilism in the punk movement to communism both radical and peaceful to the 80s swing of conservativism... and its very whirlwind, and very powerful.

The buddha of suburbia

I wrote some really bullshit answers on my take home final... but its done... so thats nice. now just 1 in class final which should be easy, and 1 book review 2-3 pages... and uh maybe pack... and maybe graduate.

its starting to look like im going to sioux falls after mothers day... i dont know for how long but the gramps is calling and its his birthday on the 14th.

tonight some cats are going to china...
we are having a little gathering here tomorrow night, and its funny because I keep feeling like a whole bunch of people are coming, but i think we may only get like 12 or so... and 4 of us already live here... its the remainder of the 3b people mostly... maybe some extra friends. but its weird to think there are so few. I invited a bunch of people who dont even go here anymore at the hopes that any of them could randomly show up... but i sort of doubt it.


so whats that leave.... a few nights to hang out and party...
what are your plans?

this weekend may have been one of the most consistently awesome times i had all year... what with the peoples and the perkins and the gatherings... and the staying up late with good conversation... but i guess in general spring has brought out some wonderful changes... and less worrying about tests and papers...
what will i do when i have the time to do it?
probably sit around on facebook.... but i can assume more right?

I made a video I really want to put on youtube, but i need permission first and I havent talked to the person in a week.
I think it may make me more likely to make more poetry videos...




uh you know... enjoy yourselves... laurels the coolest.. and uh peace and love



Q WHO ARE YOU???? Im reading your stuff... hehehehe sounds creepy.

I suppose mel gibson and the pants is a band you have to really be feeling to get in to... but do you ever have a cd that u dont get in to right away and then later you listen to a few songs and wonder why u havent been listening to it non stop?
w/guitar


um dark dark dark was awesome... Nona has such a beautiful voice and its just so wonderful to see her perform, especially so confidently... I know i have always felt that way, it was really weird, i was getting so nastalgic when she was here... remembering all these things that really meant a lot to me in the past... and wondering if she ever thinks about that stuff... I guess i felt a little disappointed she didnt want to talk or anything... i mean i know she was busy... but its weird to know someone for so long, to share important stuff with and then they come in to town as a total star and dont have time to be friends.... im not blaming her or anything like i wasnt really expecting anything from her, im saying it was disappointing to see someone you love and not be able to express it....


still the music was beautiful, im so glad she has learned to be confident in herself... and it makes me wonder if this lifestyle, and these friends she surrounds herself with are actually really good for her, despite the lack of security and perhaps "normality" or whatever...

some of us were talking about fashion when best friends forever came, and certainly annika and nona and their friends are fashionable... but it seems so odd to me... i mean i will rock random shit, but most of it is for function's sake... or im making a think out of it... or its from another country and reminds me of something better... maybe their fashion is that way for them... some found objects, some attached meaning... but seemingly random to everyone else...
oh well. am i disapproving? i dunno... i guess they dress the way i draw people... but i just dont rock that style, cuz it does seem a little pretentious to me... i mean after it loses the jest, and just becomes fashion.... still i am so lost without a freak flag.... dying with short hair... ahhhh
i realized i actually do feel more comfy with long hair, or at least semi long... and i mean that in the way that like women who have short hair sometimes struggle with feeling like they arent feminine, or feel less confident or whatever... like i feel odd... so i should stop judging.

the one thing with Nona is, that i wish i had copies of all her stuff... she is creating some absolutely beautiful stuff and it needs to be recorded... kept.. but i dont have copies and it saddens me because i feel like its being lost, and of course all these people around the country have copies... but i need them to be secure with me or something...

i got a lot on tape... throw that up on youtube later

spiderman 3 and a kegger tonight?

my poetry portfolio is due last friday... so tomorrow morning...

anyway.... i had a wonderful time so far this weekend, mainly hanging with kristi and emily and erin... and they seem to be comfy with my awkwardness for now... so thats nice of them.

Illy just called and woke me, excited me with her travels and adventure, allowed me briefly to dream of the holy land, working in the fields and swimming in 100+ weather, spoke in loving terms to me, in short- made me miss her terribly then told me she wouldnt be home till the end of june,and then said she had to leave and she might call me in a week. still it made my day, 5 minutes of haze, but im rather glad she has gotten this opportunity. and stability, though boring is nice sometimes.

mike is up early, like 2 am early for to write the rest of his islam paper... and also a switch to the first person
u know what is sad, im rewarding myself with watching the republican primary debate when the papers done... thats like so nerdy.

hey the laundry is getting done too... im super fly

the vulnerabilities inherent in love make themselves known in my dreams again, as loved ones casually drop hints of my replacement by betters.


in brighter news. I got a ticket last night, might fight that one.

and uh good times last night with a sordid crew.

the offspring - sometimes u gotta go back and just rock yo head.

i just posted like a bunch of random, semi funny videos on youtube if anyone cares.

its really nice to cry at something you have written, something that means a lot to you... even after months or years go by. its pretty powerful even if other people dont get it.

today me and alicia watched a show on haunted houses.... im totally sleeping with the lights on tonight.

i was driving home from school the other day and decided that i would never date another girl who had a selfish mother, or didnt get along with their mom, or who's mother i wasnt sure about... it just seems to have concequences like automatically...
i mean not to mention it would be nice to have a nice mother in law eventually...

on another note... its really important to remember that people are beautiful, loving, sharing, meant to share... but that these relationships can be destructive when taken for granted, rushed or done for the wrong reasons...
replacing is not good enough, find something better... and dont hold it against people when they find someone better for them.