Some art

Mine are not as good as some of these but they will be posted below



Most of these were done with one ink pen, 5 colored pencils and a brush.
Oh and I spelled dyed wrong on that one. 

Why so angry?

Taken from someone's facebook post

I was trying to figure out why this photo and caption angered me so much.

The first thing I did was look up pictures online to see if it was real... I'd guess this fetus is between 12-14 weeks from what I saw online.

In many ways this is brilliant propaganda, is that why it bothers me?

Do I feel an attachment toward this human?  I mean I am tempted to say it is not yet a human, but who cares, its a protohuman right, so why is it so frustrating.

I have been thinking about this argument I was in with my step mom, my dad wants to have lunch tomorrow, and I got worried that maybe it was like in retaliation. Which is dumb, but I was readying myself for combat.  

When someone else makes a good point, we recoil, sometimes lash out, but sometimes its just a good point.   I think my frustration with this photo is not so much in the piece itself, that's kind of adorable (trying to recreate the classic baby in a hand photo), but rather in those who use it, "it literally might save a life" as if re-posting that picture "saves" that life. Keeps it from being one of the starving, abandoned, abused, diseased, neglected, alienated or violated in a million other ways.   Not that life can't be good when it is painful, life can still be good, but why can't we try to make it easier for the living instead of guilt tripping them into bringing about more?

I have been reading about the horrors brought about by ecological destruction. The wars, plagues, droughts, disasters.  Almost all of which were brought about by overpopulation. 

A funny subject to talk about when one is planning on taking a fertility test and hopefully conceiving a child... but for those not ready to take on the responsibility -why push?

Nothing to say.

I mean it... I did some stuff today, nothing worth mentioning.
Never major revelations.
I have to wait another day or two for the fertility test. Its actually kind of hard for someone with the habits I have.

A dream

I had two that I remember from last night, but this one seemed more fun.

I was walking, in the park when I approached you. It was as if we had met before, like in many of the dreams I have -where the person seems familiar even when they aren't. Like how I imagine in my waking life, one day I will happen upon you, or another one of you (dream girls) and just say "Hey, where have you been hiding, I've been waiting forever" to which you will reply "Mike, I'm here now, quit complaining" and then we will walk off together. Which is basically what happened. 

I approached you, short hair, elfish, dark late fall clothes, it was cool out, it was getting darker, but I could see your glowing face and you could see mine.  I was captivated, like I am by every pretty girl's smile. I was confident, I approached you. But likewise, you approached me, like you'd been waiting, just standing there waiting for this stranger with his long hair and his off-kilter confidence to say "hey"  or whatever it was I said to you, because we weren't really saying things, not really. 

It was if we were reading each-other's minds, each-other's futures. 

More like saying "Are you sure? because I think I am" and then the other would say the same as we continued to mind read each secret, each story. We walked, arm and arm, smiling, laughing, singing maybe, because our talk wasn't vocal, but we were sharing... and this was our first date but because we had known each other and because we were reading each others future, when we ran into Jess and her friend, you introduced yourself and she did, and said we looked like a good couple, which we weren't yet, but we didn't correct her because we planned to be, we were already committed somehow, and so we all walked together to her house or her cabin and momentarily I fell behind, in my joy of the thing, trying to understand the thing, trying to explain the excitement and happiness of it all... and when I approached the house I knew the majority were watching something, I could hear them all together watching a movie, loud and social, and I thought to myself how I didn't want you to be amongst them, because I wanted to steal your cute elfishness and keep it for myself, keep exploring with you, smiling, reassuring.  So I looked in the room off to the side, hoping you would be there, and you were... smiling you looked up, you were petting a dog (yes apparently dogs don't freak me out in dreams), you wanted to show me how it was curled up and sleeping and cute, and I thought "how funny she likes dogs, of course she likes dogs and of course they like her" because in my dream all of life loved you, was attracted to you, belonged to you, the way I did, and the way I wanted you to be attracted to me. 

And I walked over to pet the dog and be in your presence, and I did (pet the dog) and it was warm, and I did (enter your presence) and it was warm. 

And I woke up happy for a moment, filled with you.

been awhile since i wrote out a political rant on here

My step mother recently began an argument with me on a few issues. Gay marriage came up, she and my dad feel they are just following their faith, not discriminating by being against marriage equality. She also brought up the Chick Fil A thing.  I hadn't really thought about the chick fil a thing until I read the article at the bottom. I guess sometimes my biases come out when I am arguing for things and I can't put my finger on why it is important to argue against say a random corporation getting involved. I don't think Chick Fil A is directly responsible for the deaths of lgbt kids... but they are not helping, and may in fact be hurting those children indirectly. 

Anyway here is what I sent her:

Hi Colleen, I guess I am still cooling off a little after that last one. I think this issue is particularly hard because so many of the people in my life are affected so personally by this issue, friends, family coworkers, even myself. I know the vague legal boundaries around same sex partners seem like a small issue, but I think its more about the larger issue that in the united states we use these institutions to block people from being recognized as equals. I cannot be okay with that, and I don't think you and my dad are actually okay with that either, but right now you don't see how it is discrimination. It is though because on a basic LEGAL and SOCIAL level, some people are given more rights than others. No different from racial discrimination, which I know you are not ok with. In fact some of these rights had to be fought for during the civil rights movements, women's rights movement, even in some states the Catholic's rights movements.

LGBT folks are not recognized as being equal, if you want to fight for their equality then vote No, or don't Vote on the amendment, OR fight for equal civil rights and try to get the state constitution to recognize civil unions as equal to your marriage.


Feel free to read the rest if you like, it is about discrimination of lgbt folks, and reactions to the common arguments against marriage equality.
______________________________________________
National Level:
It seems absurd to me that for 18 years of my life Gay people in the military were openly discriminated against for being themselves, even if they had "served their country" in combat, they were dismissed without benefits for being themselves. Imagine losing a limb for this country and then getting nothing. Did this happen to straight folks? It seems absurd to me that for the last 16 years a gay person's legal marriage in one state, wouldn't be recognize in another. Imagine going to South Dakota or Florida and not having your marriage recognized. If you and my dad were for some reason injured on a trip, its possible the hospital would deny you access to each other. Think about how horrifying that would be. Does this happen to straight folks?
In several states homosexual individuals and couples can't adopt children. Meaning thousands of kids go un-adopted but willing folks can't adopt them. Are straight couples ever ruled unfit, simply because of their sexuality?


Besides the DOMA stuff above, there are 515 statutes of Minnesota law that apply to Heterosexual couples and don't apply to Homosexual couples. 515 laws that create unequal treatment from the state of MN to same sex couples.

Why does it have to be "marriage" on a legal level?

This is something that a lot of people on all sides of the issue ask, in many ways progressives would rather change the law so that "marriage" was a word not used in any legal manner. They say let marriage be a religious thing, let civil unions be a legal term, this would basically mean the state would recognize that you were in a civil union, the church may or may not recognize that you were married. I myself don't care about this one, as many churches will marry lgbt folks, and the state could be changed to recognize civil unions, but this is not the argument conservatives fought for in the legislature. They chose to have an anti-marriage amendment thrown into the mn constitution for no reason ( I say no reason, because same sex marriage is already illegal in MN.)
This would mean (if it passes) lgbt partners could never have their "marriages" recognized by the state (forever). Making it very unlikely that same sex couples will ever have the same legal rights.

This means you will always be able to visit my dad in the hospital, but arguably another couple may not. This means you will be able to receive tax benefits that another couple does not. So on and so forth.

Why does it have to be "marriage" on a social level?
Would you give up your marriage even if you still had the legal rights?If you answer is no, that is the reason why it has to be marriage. Because the term marriage bestows a social, psychological and YES to some extent a religious understanding that says "this is important." James just got married and described the days after it as being the happiest he had been in a long time. Nothing had changed in any way, other than the legal, social and psychological impact of "marriage".


Religious rules: the laws that supposedly discuss homosexuality as evil are ludicrous and we ignore most of those these days anyway, so lets talk about "biblical marriage:"
Biblical marriage throughout the bible is almost always discussed as a business transaction. Women almost never have choice in the matter. Women are seen as property in the bible. Love is almost never mentioned, lust is more often the motive of the male protagonist when discussed for reasons to marry. Commitment is seen as secondary to the business transaction. Polygamy is celebrated in the heroic stories of the bible more often than marriage between two individuals. Most of the cultures of the bible tended to have separate spheres for males and females so the idea of our modern form of marriage for love and commitment was almost never possible. Many of the marriages in the bible are far from sacred, they routinely talk about marrying for diplomacy, for property and for power. Divorce, adultery and other obstacles to the "sacredness of marriage" were as common then as now, which is why they had so many strict rules to try to keep families intact.

New testament: First off is the new testament about inclusion or intolerance? Second, Jesus said nothing about homosexuality. Paul did, but he also said its better for all people to remain single rather than get married. He also said in Christ there is no male or female, all are one in Christ.

Freedom of Religion: The state legally shouldn't be able to uphold "religious rules" that create unequal treatment of people, if it cannot endorse a religion or inhibit the practice of a religion. If we keep people from legal marriage rights by using "religious" rules we are both endorsing one religious standpoint, and inhibiting other people from practicing their religious point of view. This amendment is against freedom of religion.

"Nature" arguments based on the idea that same sex couples cannot reproduce are ludicrous, You and my dad couldn't reproduce but it didn't keep you from wanting a "marriage."

Lastly why is it important to stand up for gay rights against those who speak against them? (Even if they are just speaking their mind?)
First off I think it is unfortunate that some people believe they or their beliefs are under attack if and when the state decides to change the law to recognize the equality of all people. In the south white people claimed their schools, businesses and churches were all under attack during the civil rights movement, meanwhile those same folks literally attacked black people and kept them from equal rights.

I think this article both attempts to be human, relational and speak to the reasons for standing up against institutional discrimination in whatever form, without attacking.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/conor-gaughan/chick-fil-a-homophobia_b_1711566.html

moya

I was talking to Kelly yesterday, explaining how I was numb, or attempting a sort of numbness so I could invite you back. Leave a door open, not dwell on the hurt or the anger, keep a place set.  Its harder and harder to explain to myself why. That was the conclusion I was explaining to her, that it was getting harder to be grateful, to think happy thoughts, to be excited, to be thankful for the blessings in my life, because to keep the absence of hurt, required in some sense the absence of joy... maybe not intentionally but that seems to be the effect. Now I find it all slipping. I really enjoyed the 4 hours with Kelly, babbling while watching her paint so beautifully. Listening to the shared connection that I have with her, both the one we have built over these past few years and the one inherent in our disposition.  I enjoyed how easy it was. Like work is easy. 

I've been hanging with my roommates, they are silly and bright, fun loving. 

They play board games and watch movies with their intellect still in tune. Like a movie isn't just a movie but an idea to be explored. They listen to music, they play music the same way. They have conversations that way too... and I enjoy them. 

The people I usually call my closest are all too busy, with work, school and travel, partners, children  and grudges. Sometimes maybe its their own weaknesses that keep them separate. Maybe its their own version of staying numb. 

I watched this video where this autistic teenager was explaining that she hits herself and flails around because she is overwhelmed in her brain. 

I watched another video where these people were explaining that in some ways being overwhelmed by sensory information is the natural state of a being a teenager. 

So what happens when an adult feels the same?

Overwhelmed till the point of self destruction.

I've been watching mad men, I am still not sure I like the show, but now I am invested in the characters... so its too late to quit right? There are all these scenes where staying cool, calm, collected, numb are rewarded, and part of you wants to yell at them that there is a different way, but these things are rewarded right?

I'm angry now. 

I wasn't really before, because I was keeping it out, but its seeping in. 

Seeping in because I am not allowed to know anything, no understanding of anything, of joy nor sorrow. And I don't want the drama, that's not what I am after... but its sad that the people who most often read this don't actually talk to me in my real life.  Its not a relationship,

but I am regaining my thankfulness and my hurt.

It shows itself in giving, smiles, connections,   but also in the apathy and the isolation. 

thinking about fertility

SO I could write about batman, spiderman, board games, conversations on education and the history of the world. I could talk about how I miss teaching or how I am trying to learn to be ok with sitting in a place and not thinking about whether or not it is productive. Enjoy multiple forms of lounging, not just sitting in  your room or reading at a coffee shop... these are the things I have been doing.

But primarily my inner thoughts have been coming back to this one issue. Am I fertile?
I am going to be taking a test soon, to see if I have the potential to be a good partner in an endeavor to create a human being.  To create, but first these tests, I passed the first, or rather I chose YES, next its legal matters (in a minute) and then fertility, followed by dr screening.  Then actual attempts I guess. All of which are tests, all pass/fail.
The trouble is that each passed test pushes me further into the "this is something I want to do" category, builds up pressure and excitement for the next... and what if I run into a road block?
Then do I daydream, prepare, consider for nothing?

What do I do if I don't pass this fertility test? Do I ask for a re-do?

How many attempts before they exclude me from the process?

Lacey suggested I write about this, maybe write a book about the process, the thought process and the real process and the research or something.

So I have been looking into these fertility kits, they test for at least 20,000 million sperm count in a sample that should contain anywhere from 20 million to a hundred million.

Its been hot out. I switch to boxers. I have been trying to eat fruits and veggies and drink lots of water. I need to get some exercise and lots of sleep and not be stressed.
But what if that doesn't end up being enough?
All my cousins and uncles seemed to have no problems, maybe I am genetically set.
But maybe my cell phone and lap top have hurt my chances. Maybe this damn cyst which seems to dully ache daily will turn out to be a factor after all. Maybe my poor sugar and salt diet is an issue, or the fact that i am lean, but fat in all the wrong places...

So, if I am... what then?
DO I want to see this kid once a week, once a month, once a year?
Do I want to ask to be a God parent, an uncle, a family friend?
Do I trust myself to be there, to contribute, to be good?
What if I screw up?

What if something happens and I love the child and it is taken away from me?
What if something happens and I leave the child after creating a relationship?

What if something happens to the child?


This is something I want though. I think I am pretty sure this is a spectacular opportunity.

Watching Les Miserables on youtube, a sort of anniversary concert, not the actual play.

Its really nice.

What to talk about. 

I have no thoughts, this is the trouble with commitments to write.

I saw Les Miserables in Winnipeg with Nikki at 17.  We had run away in the middle of the night, arrived in Winnipeg early the next morning as my car filled up with water due to a broken air conditioner. The sunrise over the Winnipeg fields listening to The Big Wu,  was one of my favorite things in the world at the time.  I have just a few memories of the trip, Nikki in boxers, taking out money from the bank to see the play (all of my money). Worrying about her anxiety disorder.  Wanting to explore and run away forever. 

I am amazed people can make music so beautiful.

But tonight it clouds all the thoughts from my mind, and makes it hard to write...

 

some pictures

I think all the major things in my life are going at a pace that is significantly slower than the one I am used to, this coupled with the fact that I have immense amounts of time on my hand = Mike feeling super unproductive and somewhat unhappy.

Its basically that, even if I put a bunch of energy into something, everyone else is moving at a slower pace. So how I will be delayed by them or whatever.

Like if I work on school stuff, well I can spend an afternoon designing classes, and it may all go well and good, but then I don't actually get to see them played out for over a month and a half.

Or I could strategize about the year, but same deal.

I could do spirit of truth stuff, but I need the rest of the group to move forward.

I could do my own projects, but where is their value if I don't have anyone to check in with, or celebrate with if I accomplish them.

I dunno.

I might need to leave town.

1:25 in the AM

I think this boredom and loneliness is starting to take its toll. I can't tell if the insecure things I am thinking are real or just thoughts.

Things keep breaking, my cd player wont play cds, my comp's sound isnt working properly (I have to use headphones). Its annoying when you are home much of the day.

Tomorrow I have nothing.  Sat, Sun, Monday and Wednesday I have plans so far. May see a show on Friday of next week, but tomorrow I have nothing.

 I had a list of 4-5 topics to write about in cases I couldn't think of anything.

lets see

*south armerica

*fantasy child arrangement (I am going through with at least the next steps)

*insecurity

None of those seem like great topics

The south america thing is that I am learning a lot more because of the book I am reading about the history of indigenous cultures and civilizations in South America and it is ridiculously fascinating. 

 Makes me want to spend 6 months there, which is good, because I am pretty sure that I am going to within the next few years.  

Its also one of the only things that has ever made me fascinated with textiles. 

Spanish conquistadors  found that  Inka woven armor was as affective and more agile/versatile than their steel plates, so they ditched their armor and "went native."

The Inka language may or may not have been only verbal, there is a significant amount of evidence to suggest that quipu were actually a "written" form of communication, the quipu served minimally as an accounting device, but some suggest that using the knots in a binary fashion, along with the total amounts of variations of string and knots, one could produce more "characters" than any of the written languages of the time. Meaning the Inka language may have been transmittable through string...

anyway I strongly suggest the book 1491

Fantasy child arrangements... 

Well I just don't know.  

in the last episode of man men I watched a lady was telling Don his fortune and she said basically that the only reason he wasn't part of the world is because he saw himself as alone.   Is this the human condition or just a guy thing or what?

 

22

missed yesterday
I have a headache.
It is 3:25  I haven't had anything to eat or drink yet.
I should probably go remedy that.
I will try to post later.

Mike with very wet braids that smell like body wash

Nightmares

The first I don't remember well, distinctively I remember only a few seconds. I was huddled on my back holding someone else, as if to protect them, but I wasn't doing a very good job. Above us a large and looming person with violence their intent.

I remember pleading, very briefly, it was as if it invigorated him, his reaction to immediately stomp with hard boots. So large,  it seemed they would crush right through my face with one blow.

And as if they did, I woke up. I felt there was someone in my room.

In the second I had to repel him, this time it was my father, there was only one way, consecutive blows, I had to fight him off. It wasn't so much that he was fighting back as that the only way I could push him back was with blows to the face. I had to, I don't know why, but it needed to be immediate and physical. 

The third, I was the first to the dining hall. I remember being confronted on my apparent lack of patience, as I had already served myself something like an appetizer of bread and eggs or something before anyone else had gotten there. I allowed them to fill up the tables, everyone dressed alike, like bootcamp, white tshirts tucked in to pants and boots. 

I spilled something, or someone did, and though there was a sense of urgency I decided I needed to clean up the spill, after all if these were not the circumstances, I would clean it up. So I must with dignity, follow through. I was careful to get all the drops of the sticky orange syrup. 

By the time I had finished it was my time to get food, NO, they were vacating, the food was being taken away, the others were filing out, I had missed my opportunity.

It seemed vital I eat, fill up, the last metal steamer had a few pieces of burnt bacon, on top of what seemed like tater tots... I knew I didn't want the tots, but I grabbed for a handful of food to wrap up in the pancake like foods on my plate. I did this just as they were taking them away and I was grateful for the food. 

As soon as I had finished, I noticed there was only the one other person like me left, and he was working with a mechanic, he seemed off limits. I walked out the hallway nervously. I knew it had begun, not that I wanted to do anything about it... but quite quickly someone attacked me and I killed him just as quickly. 

I stopped by the open door way (that seemed like the board room at school) and taunted them, as if to say bring it on, and immediately three of them ran at me. Two entered the room behind me (the center room), I tried to explain it was a joke but they were ready. 

The one looked familiar, I will call him V, as I tried to explain to V that it was just a joke, he said he understood but now it was too late, and I continued to step back putting the table between us. 

In the room we were in there were several of my allies in the corner, but we had taken them off guard and they were innocents. It wasn't like they had killed anyone before... so as the other one who had entered came around the table (lets call her J) I instinctively grabbed at her, flung her into the table, against the wall, up to the ceiling, I was incredibly strong and she was like a sack of nothing by the time I threw her bloodied corpse down the hallway.  V was shocked and didn't know what to do... I let him go.

My team seemed off guard, and I approached the other door to the room to shut it... but when I did that A started singing or rapping down the hallway. It was as if he was putting on a musical, his gang kept pace behind him, but he had a gun, and he was gunning for me. I was clearly the biggest threat, and though his tiny stature would be nothing without the gun, I was scared. 

How many bullets would they give him, I backed into my room again and shut the door... my team tried to hold it, but a close range fight broke out, and I was somehow wounded, so were others... but A was out of bullets and I knew he would be quick to fall...

I ran though, I was bleeding, my belly had cuts that needed to be stitched and I couldn't do that inside the building so I stumbled through the streets into a back alley medic. He seemed startled as if he had been watching the thing on tv, and it took threats of violence for him to see me. 

We were in a small dark cramped changing room, he was prepping me for stitches in the biggest cut and I was using an alcohol pad like a moist towelette to clean the wounds when the bug landed on me. At first I wasn't alarmed, but as i tried to brush it away, I became aware that it had begun moving towards the open wound, more urgently I swatted at it. Then suddenly it reverse its body and dug into the wound, laying eggs in me I tried to pull it out, but only got parts. A new rush of adrenaline knew this was dangerous, and then I awoke.

24? This counting down thing is harder than you would expect.

HMMMM...

It is 10:14 Lets see about an hour.

If you had seen me today, it would have been swaying to the beat at Spyhouse, I was trying to keep my posture, but it bent the way it wished sometimes. Depending on the time, the music would have been old blues, or maybe James Brown, or maybe Mumford and Sons. I was sitting and sometimes standing at the counter near the far end of the room to the right of the entrance. Near the windows. 

Reading about radical Christianity or drawing the people around me.

I must have looked strange, my hair all wrapped up on the left side, and wild on the right. This boy out of a comicbook, a child's story. Dark t shirt and wearing pants in this heat. 

Continually moving... whats wrong with this boy in the glasses?

What is he reading, and how can he concentrate while moving?

Or if you were the girl at the table, why does this kid keep looking at me?

I was drawing her, sort of, a scrimmage session, all practice for  skill building. 

You see every part of you had to be done differently, the bun of your hair, locked up was these slinky like doodles, and the rest of your hair just horizontal lines placed consecutively so as to give some semblance to the different strands and textures. That yellow hair band, wrapping your hair and your ears,  straight lines with a sharpie gave a shape to the folds of the cloth well enough, and as for the rest of you,  I tried to give these geometric shapes a chance to show the roundness of your cheeks, the straight lines of your jaw. Trouble was I think the variety lost your form, your skinny arms became blurred into something more rounded, your chest almost made invisible, your eyes, perhaps the most capturing of all your features were lost entirely... but maybe that's because I didn't have glass sky blue amongst my tools. 

Anyway I am glad I didn't have to show it off, you and your friend seemed quite content, uttering tiny bits of practiced Spanish to each other amongst your own scribblings. Perhaps you were lovers, all leaning in close and smiles. His dark features seemed perfect fantasy island contrast with yours. People probably say you make a handsome couple.  You'll have him clean up nice and shaven for the wedding, treasured sepia colored wedding photos. Maybe another smattering with the color mixed up to bring out your eyes, the matching bouquet in your hands and the blue flower in his lapel.

These you can show to your children, who will not recognize mom and dad in those sweet youth filled images they have come to cherish. 

I was reading about a pastor, found in his faith, righteous and pushy, yet relational and caring. How to keep amongst his flock, the congregation admires his vigilance, his worldliness, his realness... but they also hate him. Hate him for the words that call into question their existence. His existence, they utter in their minds, "you know we pay you" they want to say, "you shouldn't be so preachy" they think without recognizing the irony of the words. 

Calls into question existence, I wonder, am I on the right path, I wonder as I sway to the beat of the music on the soundsystem, how do they choose it, I always wonder as I listen, wondering how much effort they put into a choice of which music to sway to, to take money to, to steam milk to, to grind coffee to, to clean cups and glasses to, to refill toilet paper to, to take compliments and tips to, to take complaints and growls to, to fantasize and dream to, to sing the ins and out of their day to.

Writing poems in their minds, these the folks who program computers, who write papers, who plan classes, who grade papers, who start businesses, who draw people, who talk over coffee, who daydream with stimulants doing the work of their adrenal glands, who read the city pages, who read books, who read webpages, who bike here, take the bus here, walk here, drive and hope for a specific spot on the street that they are used to. Work in the neighborhood, eat at the diner with the bad waitresses who aren't bad waitresses, drink at the bar with the good margaritas and the mexican revolutionaries on the wall, pho at a half a dozen places, stop to look at the string art, shun the dunn bros (today), thousands of memories on this street in this neighborhood in this city, want that for their children, the children in the day care down the street/ scratch that, none of these people have kids. But some have friends who are little.

Is the art on the walls instagram photos? That's like someone else doing all the work, no? Don't you wish it were something more inspiring? How do they come up with this? meaning like A) do you think this is just the kids down the street at MCAD? and B) don't you think you could do better? How much would you charge? What do you mean you haven't done art in years, didn't I see you sketching earlier?  whatevs, you really can't take a compliment can you(smirk)..?

Why does that guy keep going to the bathroom, he seems really anxious, maybe too many cups of coffee, too much dancing, what a weirdo, seems like he has the bladder of a two year old, I haven't been to the bathroom in hours, I wonder if there is something wrong with me, its like 100 degrees out I should probably be drinking water instead of coffee, oh well, I am only human, back to work, I am never going to finish this assignment. 

 11:01 didn't make it.

I have more thoughts, but not on this, and maybe not things I want to share right now.

living in sections

I think I failed my 30 day quest. I know that I will make up for it today by posting twice, but the idea was to post every day right?  By day I was using the general period between sleep, but that has been more and more difficult as the weather and other factors have been making me take long and inconsistent naps. I fall asleep randomly, wake up in a puddle and proceed to move on with my day.

Today its supposed to be 100 degrees out or something sick, so we have the air on, and I slept comfortably last night and all morning until about12:30PM and it felt soooo good. 

I don't remember any of my dreams of significance but things keep popping into my mind all familiar like and it feels good to know my mind is traveling even if I am not.

Last night I went with my roommate and one of his friends to see the movie The Cabin in the Woods.

It was amazing and so much better than I expected it to be.

Today and the rest of the week I have very few plans. Some how I will have to find a way to keep posting even though i think I may have to have my compy fixed (the sound).

I have a phone meeting at 5:30 and I am hanging with Lace after, but from now until then my agenda is basically  eat, caffeinate, kill 4 hours.

This week I am hoping to hang with the following:

Kelly, Kristi, Elora, Sara C, My Dad, Jess V, my Grandma, maybe shultz if she has time, my brothers if they have time,  and more?    Like 5 of those people are open during the day so it will work out.

I better get on scheduling these if this is going to happen. I also have SoT events on Wednesday and Thursday.

Oh Well enjoy yourself and someone else.

What number is this 26?

I just got back from an 11:30 Movie at Riverview theater. I had never been there and it is quite the venue. Very much keeping alive the 60s-70s theater style but not falling apart. I wonder if the Uptown will look like that after the renovations. Anyway, I went with my roommate and a few of his friends who were celebrating a birth day. 

Its interesting to see a group of folks who all went to college, have grown together over the years, moved beyond their college experience, yet still are very active in each other's lives. My roommate says some of them were RAs together, which explains it somewhat. 

But even in a group of friends, there is drama, weird divides and probably  a little too much poking fun in the sore spots. 

We went and saw Jurassic Park, which in my mind is a fairly decent movie, full of laughs and scares... but to this group it is like THE MOVIE. They know all the characters names, they know what they are wearing, they know the lines, they know the tiny little things that happen in the background. Still they enjoy it.

I wonder if they spent hours watching it over and over together like my floor watch Kung Pow.

I find myself attracted to several of the women that frequent my house. I don't really know them, I don't really know how I would jump the gap. I have no idea if they are single. But its nice to have a constant reminder that I am actually attracted to people. I wonder though, when some of our roomies move, if there will be a new place to hang, and if I will then, not be invited.

Today I did some yoga with SoT'ers. There were 4 of us, and we couldn't get into the gym so we went to the lake, and at first I was really nervous, but it ended up being super fucking awesome. The breeze on the lake made the 85 degree temp bearable, Christa gave us poses that weren't too intense, but helped us stretch and relax. I actually felt like I got outside my head for like 20 minutes... which is not something I can do very often. I think I can understand why people seek out that feeling, but for me, because it is new, I am not always sure if I like it.... sort of like being high, its fascinating but do I want to spend my time that way?

Then I had lunch with my mom, we got into some good conversations about relationships, moms, children, adoption. She was more supportive of the possible donation thing than I expected, and it has pretty much given me the go ahead, but there are still a few people I want to talk to first. Jess, Pete, my dad.  I think I will mention it to my brothers when I actually start the process, if the ladies are still interested that is. 

I took a 4 hour nap and was still tired. 

I will probably head to bed now. But overall I'd say it was a good first day of break. 

tired  and not at all in the mood to write.  
I bring you these videos as a substitute

28

I am so out of the habit, that it is hard to know what to write.
When I am traveling there are new things, details and thoughts to discuss. In my normal every day life I am not sure there is that much to report. I haven't been feeling all that creative lately. I think the weather sucks it right out of me.  I am reading, but I don't have the book in front of me to quote and reflect on. I am about to start season 2 of madmen, which I kinda disliked until about half way through season one. Now the characters are growing on me... but overall I still don't know that it is a show worthy of the attention it gets.

I spent a few minutes thinking about age differences in relationships. A friend told me she was dating someone who I didn't know was significantly older than she was. I would have guessed a few years older but not over a decade. Partially just because he seems young to me.

I think growing up with brothers on either side made it hard for me to recognize that relationships with people significantly older or younger are ok... I was infringing on someone else's territory if I strayed more than a year or two in either direction.  I cannot imagine dating someone my parent's age or even a decade older or younger. My coworkers who I adore sometimes display their different set of cultural markers and I am thrown off completely.

Tomorrow is the last day of summer school. Though I have technically started my 5th year. Its more like an ending to the 4th since we didn't get much of a break. I am looking forward to it, but with some apprehension. Its not hard to recognize how quick I fall into the depression trap when I have no structure.
Sat I have yoga at 10:30, lunch with my mom and evening with Jess V,
Sunday SoT, then leadership meeting (then probably some SoT work)
Monday I have a cohort meeting and perhaps dinner plans
Wednesday Prayer Vigil
Thursday Art Night
Sunday  gathering.

Those are some good structured events, but that leaves entire days in which I am sure I will be sleeping in, and watching a lot of nothing... and sitting on the web checking facebook for hours.

And on that note.
I am off.
Enjoy your wicked awesome self.

29

I just set a goal that I would blog for 30 days. I am not necessarily saying it will be this blog, as I do have something like 5 million different blogs, but I am setting a goal that I will try to write something of significance maybe a paragraph or several each day until August something or other. Also I wrote on here yesterday so its 29 days left. 

*An open honest update on life.

These are some of the things happening right now.

A) I am listening to Radiohead a lot lately (the last few days). It still makes me smile to remember that Becky used to think I hated them, though I had more of their cds than she did. It became sort of an inside joke over the years, she would pretend I still hated them, even when I had assured her that I was a fan. It was her weird cuteness.

B) Becky is getting married in a month. I am planning on attending the wedding and it is almost entirely because I had a dream in which I realized it would all be okay. I talked to her for several hours the other day on facebook chat and it was the longest we had talked in months. I don't know where our friendship will go but I appreciate that it feels good when it feels good. I am trying to be less judgmental and less possessive.

C) That is not going well. My possessiveness is coming out hardcore in one relationship in particular, its almost comical how strong it is. Its like a giant force of energy that wants to swallow this person up and keep them away from everything but me. Its awful. 

My judgment is something I am trying to learn to live with. I am not sure how other people, one in particular will learn to deal with it, but whats sad is that its really not all that extreme... it takes time to process, I sometimes have quick reactions, but for even the most awful things I have a hard time being angry or defensive for more than a week. I am protective, and hurt sometimes, but it doesn't always keep me from seeing the other person point of view. Once I have readjusted my understanding most anything seems somewhat reasonable... and that is something that I worry about more often than I worry about peoples actions.  

I worry that my leniency is what gets me in trouble, far more than my judgment. 

D) Distance.  I wonder if that's all we need right now.  My best friend, hurt and angry,  I imagine some day this will be the past. Things will get better, but I am not sure how to bridge it all... I think I need your help for that and so far things are too shifty  to find that foothold. 

I haven't given up, I just wonder if the distance is the only thing that can help right now.

E) Everything. I was remarking to Lacey how easily I lose myself because all of my grounding is so often based in others. So of course right now I am all over the place... no one knows, no one gets it. I am basing all of my decisions on what I think might be the right course of action... I act confident, I act immobile. Find myself in these moments where I just don't see anything right... total body dysmorphic nightmare, its like how the mirror projects, I am projecting... but I have no idea what is underneath and I think my confidence is based in how good the illusion is. 

F) Family, do I want to add a new member?

I haven't had the time to discuss this with anyone yet except my coworkers, I have my plans, Lacey on Friday, my Mom and Jess on Sat, we will see if I continue from there. A friend and her partner asked me to be their donor. To help add to their family, and in part to mine. Legally/financially I would be separate, they even have to pay me which is weird. But the rest is negotiable. I would not be the parent (but I could be part of the childs life). 

This is all assuming everything worked out, assuming I am fertile, and the doctors think its a good fit, and everyone goes through with it...

My first thought was "Yes!"   flattered and having the hardest time finding reasons to say No.

After a few days I have adjusted, I am still having a hard time trying to say NO, but my insecurities have gotten in the way. Who am I?  Why now, why like this? Is this just a vanity thing?

Its like all of the reasons to say NO, are about my insecurity and irresponsibility, but the reasons to say YES are about helping someone else fulfill their desires, so is that bad? Without me, they simply go to another person who is in the same position as I am... 

G) geez this is getting long... did I mark off all the things I wanted to talk about? I should change this to a list of 10. To J?

Tonight I was inspired by a speech my coworker gave to the board of our company. We normally feel like the relationship is hostile, but tonight I think she won the crowd over so easily. With her honesty, energy, spunk, and the proud relationship she has with our program. Not a barefoot Barcelonan, but a powerhouse. 

H) I am not sure SoT will ever really get where we envision it to go... there just doesn't seem to be a movement... but I really appreciate the people and the effort, and the songs.

I) Two things left to mention. I am reading the fifth agreement. It is inspiring to see yourself as the artist of your dreams, the mess you have made of life, just a painting. No big deal, no reason to take it personally. Just start a new canvass, after all you have bought too many from blicks and Michaels. Its really a nice idea that I can hold onto for a moment here and there. A moment to feel like maybe all my shame is just a manifestation of nothing, that I am truly perfect and that the things that seem so wrong are just -well nothing. They are illusions, an agreement I wrongfully made with myself to give the wrong name to a painting that is easily ignored, changed, discarded. 

But I don't know how to discard the parts of me that are soooo vicious. The parts that want me to feel tormented, ashamed etc. The moment I feel free, they push me to do something more insidious. So really its just a moment of light, and then back to the mixed gray, and occasionally the dark.

For instance last night, someone posted something on craigslist, that I responded to with an alternate email and I wrote out some pretty "kinky" things. This is more or less what my doctor suggested I do, find someone online. Make connections with others who are into similar things. No big deal in his mind, no big deal right?  But I was sitting there thinking about all the people who would gasp if they found out I sent that email.  What if it could get traced back to me? 

I wrote on another blog once that the sin of my lust, is not that I am into kink, the sin is that it makes me so ashamed that I cannot interact in the light. That I can't recognize my own perfection (5th agreement language).  I wrote that because a young person had commented on the blog that he hated himself... and hearing the same language I wanted to clarify that he wasn't evil or bad or anything... the damage is in the doubt that impairs relationships, isolates, incriminates.

J) My balance is off, and I am having a harder time not falling in someones direction. The trouble is I don't know who can steer me back. I have no counter, and I am entirely reliant, and oh the embrace of being dependent.  This is cathexis caused by the absence of others.  Yet not. Entirely the same direction as the first time I laid eyes, hard to know what is the imagination of the head and that of the heart.

And though I delve into these fantasies, equally I fear, sooner or later they'll all  hate me for it.

 

days

I was going to write 11 days, but it jumped to 12 in the moment that passed.

Watching this

Telling people about this

Yesterday I was asked if I wanted to help create a life. More on that in the future.

 Tomorrow are two events, a board meeting for my company, and a public prayer vigil for my organization. Likely I will have to choose.  Likely I will try to make it to set up at the one, and then switch to the other. 

Summer school just has a few days left, and students and staff are both ready to be done. Its not that I am launching into projects or travel or anything big, just hard to maintain focus on something that is pretty much done for. The current incarnation of summer school is stripped down so much that I have a shit ton of time on my hands and basically it makes me bored, tired or absent minded... its like not enough is going on, so I get lazy. In college I needed to take extra classes so I would take any of my classes seriously, its like that.

I have been teaching debate, and there are a handful of kids that are learning, and some that seem to be flat out refusing to learn... which is annoying.

 I also have the kids that are frustrated by the fact that they are learning and would prefer something easier... but they come back the next day to do it again... so that's ok.

I have been eating a pound of fruit every day and haven't been working out.   I say the first thing because apparently I have lost weight, much to my surprise and completely contrary to my perception I am indeed not getting fatter. Must be the stress making me feel so big. I am not the only one, and that makes it easier for some reason. I have had several moments in the last few days where if I hadn't been trying so hard not to spiral into some sort of despair I would have.  Moments where I can't think anything but negative, can't find happiness or comfort... and it makes me really scared more than anything... scared that the sources I look to for comfort will diminish even more. 

I have been either pretending or actually have been ok.  I have a shit ton of support. I have people who want to talk and listen. But I don't really know why I am not drawn to them...  

I am reading a book called The Fifth Agreement and its interesting.  A sort of "attachment" leads to heartache, so choose your attachments carefully and remember they are fake when they start to hurt. I wish it were so easy. 

 I think the agreement piece is huge... all of our understandings come from agreements we have made as a society, or to ourselves.  Like the words I am typing are an agreement between us, I use these symbols, you recognize what you think is their meaning. But really they are just scribbled nonsense right? what is a "g" or any other symbol for that matter... it is nothing but the meaning we choose to ascribe to it right?  So... if someone says love, but acts in an unloving way, can't I choose to ignore the hurt and focus on the love?  or on the other hand recognize the action as the intent, regardless of the words?  

Its an interesting thought and heart piece. 

Perhaps if I was clearer in enforcing boundaries I wouldn't be in this place...

likewise perhaps if I was better at ignoring boundaries I wouldn't be here either... (but probably in a worse spot right?)

I have been really comforted by certain folks lately. Kind of makes my heart hurt more because some negative thing is telling me none of it lasts.