I have had the fuckin best friends and support here at morris, like all the time, people are wonderful -they're committed, patient and willing.. they put up with so much bullshit... they listen to me rant, they watch me make the same mistakes... they dont judge, they are sweet and caring.


but i have been struggling for months with some shit, and it sucks because so have all my bases... and so now im here -with many friends to keep me up, but im really bleeding all over the place with out my fucking legs.


And I wish we could just all relate, and fucking deal together, and show eachother that everything is wonderful... but more than likely it means my legs are gone and i need to find some new ones... and I just dont want to. I want to reconnect with someone who knows me...
I want to be loved and respected and cared for by people who have seen me fucked up... who have fucked me up but stuck around to help bring me back...
and they are doing their thing... making the best of it. trying to stand and find new legs themselves...
and i dont want to be greedy or selfish... but im sick of being limbless.

in the interest of saving you time, I was gonna put up the lyrics to radiohead's "Creep" or skunk anansie's "hedonism"

i woke up on the wrong side of the feel good aisle

i had the weirdest dream.... the conclusion of which was riding in to the sun with my rich parents who I had basically kidnapped.... at times the dream had real people.. like my actual brothers and parents and what not but at other times they were not real... but the weirdest thing was that for a good part of the dream i was me, but for the last half I was a woman.

Does that ever happen to you?

other things in the dream... murder, craziness and split personalities, some sort of vacuum sucking carrots out of me, my brothers, some sort of castle/rich persons house, a motercycle and a van, a guy pride parade on a bridge.... it was like i was playing a video game at times... and other times like i just didnt know how to drive the damn jeep thing...


also maybe this will work.... art from facebook and what not

i had crap to say most of the days i have been gone... but i didnt feel like trying to write about it... and i dont now... but i also dont feel awake enough to write or draw... so... you are stuck with babbling.... in reverse order me thinks.

tonight me and alicia went out with julie peletier which was really fun. She is an anth prof, alicia's advisor.. i had her for two classes. shes a fun lady.

Today my soc theory prof moved back most of our significant dates, removing a lot of pressure from me right before I was about to get things done...

yesterday was monday... we tried to make dinner we ate three separate things.
I spent about three hours trying to write a letter. i finally did, but dont feel it is complete so I will probably write another tonight. at some point krystin and her friend called and that was nice... but i never know what to say... as not much changes here or there.

yesterday in my poetry class I got feedback on the poem I turned in last week and I was glad to see my prof got the metaphor I was using... even seemed to like the poem... it was rather personal (about me and my fam) and the other girls who gave me feedback took the metaphor a little bit more literally which was fine... but missed part of the point.
I was relieved yesterday because i actually got my homework done...

Sunday... I woke late and went back to bed...
Woke again and went out to eat with molly k and scott and andy S which was really nice... to catch up with old cats... not sure how they are doing.. but glad to hear that andy is playing music.

Saturday I drove back from Minneapolis after eating with my brothers... we turned lunch in to an afternoon of sitting at olive garden and discussing the world... I love them so much... they are great to talk to. and our personalities though different have found a way of swirling together to form a fun combination.
I spent saturday night doing something.... oh yes we went to the met... and I tried to get mel drunk... but of course that doesnt happen...
good times though.

Friday I drove to minneapolis for a show... no one could come so it was me alone at this bar in downtown, and wandering the streets...
I got to talk to these musicians i have been listening to for years... seen them live many times each... but never talked to them really... and it was fun... even hung out in one of their cars listened to em ramble...
the show wasnt the best i had seen, too many troubles, sound, pain, time, lack of audience, no rehearsal, missing members... but for me it was a real treat... and i got to take a lot of video... though the sound didnt turn out great. that night i hung out with steve for a bit...
friday was aight... turned in a paper...

thurday i barely even remember....

wednesday I had my valentines conversation and have been wondering what to say since...



(((((and coming up)))))

apparently there is an open mic this thursday so maybe i will write something for that.


friday is a jazz show...
saturday is a PAC performance, and a party afterwards if i so desire...


)))))))

today I have been talking to people all day... but i feel really disconnected... because Im not sure i feel wanted by any of them... or something... like more they talk because they are bored or whatever but not like they care...
So that sucks... but oh well.

Oh and i got new glasses... or they came in the mail and they are nice.
and i had a bunch of ideas to say but instead of that i used this space as a journal... cuz im too tired now.

my plans for valentine's day went awry like many things lately... but I think the outcome was far superior (or at least I hope it will be)
so good times.
hope yours was good too.

Well what do we talk about on valentines day?
we talks about loves and celebrations no?

I was looking through the last few years archives and what not..

this will be my first v day alone since i was 19...
*i think that year I went to a basketball game with steve.
*when i was 20 i think i went to a movie and dinner with becky or something
*21 wasnt mentioned... i think we celebrated but she was never to keen on me posting shit about her
*last year i was in madrid, but technically had a lady friend
*this year, class... hopefully submit my application to teach for america... do homework. maybe go to a potluck/party at the yellow house. but nothin too spectacular..
I know I use to think not so highly of valentines day... and though a closet romantic... i have never been very good at being formal.

I was sort of considering sending flowers to someone... but thought it might be inappropriate... especially considering i would have done it anonymously.

um so i guess its just another day... no love poetry, no confessions, no brilliant or rambling speeches.
one sick mike doing homework and listening to humanboy.

you enjoy yourselves now... and dont do anything stupid out of loneliness.

Having an overactive imagination is really a curse sometimes...
like when you are trying to get to sleep, and keep coughing, but then you convince yourself that that cough is the first symptom of the cancer that will kill you in three months. And you start planning out the days... and how you need to see everyone... how to balance chemo and shit like that... with the plane flights to see those who couldnt come back right away. How do best say goodbye to people that have made life worth living, and make peace with those you arent on good terms with anymore. The letters, the hangups, and the silly things like the decisions about property. when is it best to tell someone? if you hang out with the for a few days... at the beginning? at the end?
wouldnt you want a chance to assure them through their mourning... wouldnt you be mourning their loss the whole time?
and thats an interesting thought isnt it? impending death, means the mourning of everyone simultaneously. you start feeling bad about the people you dont say goodbye to.
you start wondering if your family would understand that you couldnt spend all the time with them. and wonder what words would be the best fairwell to those who you have dreamt of since the day you met them. Hoped for, watched as they grew, changed, matured. you wonder what you would say to inspire them further, to be the people they should be.
you wonder about what dreams are left unfullfilled and whether they would mean anything to you. what balance of healthcare and living the last of your life would be more important... would you need to go someplace spiritual. would I get to visit israel?
would your life matter? would your death make a difference?

seriously... its a cough. seriously it, all of you matter.

although it is really a blessing to have so many people respond to my misery...
It was really just a temporary outburst... sort of what my mom has been waiting for all week everytime i tell her im fine.
I actually felt fine by the time i went to sleep... i mean it took an hour or so in bed to settle down... but eventually peace... but it was nice to know people have my back when i need them.
i will try not to call wolf... and also try to vent a little more passively... because i didnt mean to cause a fuss... just sort of that feeling like "no one is listening and i need them" so you start shouting and then everyone is like "damn kid what up?" but uh... no more temper tantrums...


workin on the application for teach for america... had to update my resume... now i have to boil it down to a page... then write some essays then send...

but another thing... if this doesnt work out... maybe my brother can get me a campaign job and i will live at home but at least be doing something... then start school later -but who knows...

Two points tonight, separate but related.

First,
Doesnt it suck when you realize you are literally keeping yourself from doing stuff, not living, not being excited, connecting because the weather is so damn shitty?

-now true enough, one can say, "yeah, but mike you didnt do shit before either..." and thats true enough, but now I find myself less likely to do things I even enjoy because I fear the weather...

examples from today

1) me, I didnt want to go to Tall D's party because it was cold, and I knew it would be a hassle to go -if i enjoyed it, I couldnt stay or walk back late, if I didnt I couldnt walk home early.

2) I did enjoy it, but when alicia wanted to go because she was tired, I left fearing that it would be too cold to walk. some would say well why didnt you drive? cuz then i couldnt drink... so you drank? no because I knew i wasnt staying...

3) becky said she wouldnt drive up here because of the weather. That may be a cop out, maybe she knows she wouldnt have a good time... maybe she knows the roads suck and doesnt want to drive...

4) I hadnt gone grocery shopping in a week because I knew it would be cold. -true enough i ate out... but thats a social event, not a me going to the store alone to get food...

Part two

I find myself wanting to be loved, wanting to be the exciting person, wanting to be liked and popular... true enough i havent done shit to make this happen... and I dont really want to.

If you look at this blog in the past few years it gets more and more boring.. well life is boring in Morris... but some people make it exciting... and im not one of them.

With both the girls I had here, I constantly chose nights in with a movie over fun events or exciting dates... part of it was working up the effort, the other part just wanting to be around them alone. of course there were many times I wanted to be social with them... and thats always hard in a relationship... its hard to work out your moods...

anyway.

I miss having someone think I am exciting...and it sucks to still think that way about people who could care less.

This feeling makes me want to be reckless.. I felt that way when i met Lex, I felt reckless.. I wasnt around her, I dont think... i mean she certainly felt like I had recked her life... but I didnt do that to her. but it sucks because I dont actually enjoy reckless behavior... I have never been a partier, I never enjoyed fucking around at work, or school... even on these fun exciting trips i have been on... I didnt do anything care free.. I care too much.

that makes me want to be reckless with my own life... but then I get those nick hexum lines about if you cant do it for yourself then do it for those around you... so then none of that now...

but I would pick up right now and go to israel to see Illy. finish school and take off.

thats sort of the teach for america thing... I mean 2 years to fuck off.... be responsible work towards something... but get away from this. fuck this man...

these friends are priceless, but we are all just sitting here ready to move on... or ready to be active, but held back by shit like the cold.

If I leave for 2 years I wont see anyone. I wont be around if Becky is in the cities... and even if i end up in Texas, Lex wont see me.

did i ever mention that? that was my plan.... go to texas, student teach there... lex had decided to move, and I jad just heard it was a possibility, so I thought why not? we would have been like an hour from eachother. I didnt tell her for a long time, because I didnt know what was gonna happen, but even when we broke up I thought it would be ok, we would be friends and visit.

Im living for other people... or rather im living because of what i think other people will be able to give me. I wanted to stop doing that... that was my goal with the europe shit... of course it didnt work.

Anyway... Im sort of sad that I think I am falling in to this sort of destructive thought pattern, wishing I had someone to tell me shits ok... and its nice to hear it from friends, but after you have shared all your secrets with a person and they know the worse of you... it really makes it nice to hear "you're ok" from them...

but im not i guess.

Something tells me I need a relationship.... not that i actually need one. but boy am i awkward...... im probably freaking people out, they are probably like "geez mike, get a grip, you're getting annoying"

just wait till they know how i spend my free time... talking to you, about them...then oooh boy...


oh the burnination in my stomach is really rad.


Um for the record:

A) my life plan got horribly jilted a few days ago...
B) I also cut my hair off
C) and uh... im lonely.
D) will someone please invite me to their party?
E) Im going to a party tonight, and maybe wednesday.
F) I might go to a concert next friday, and the monologues tomorrow
G) I am currently applying to a real life
H) I currently do not enjoy school/beaurocracy (normally i am quite fond of it actually)
I) I sort of have this thing for someone...well not one per say, but rather thing... Fanta I love you.
J) If you havent noticed I ran out of shit to talk about but am trying to get to omega
K) it was my brothers 25th birthday yesterday and he wouldnt answer his phone
L) there once was a man from nantucket
M) ike
N) fuck it i will go home next weekend.
O) h say can you see? seriously can we see ?
P) yes please
Q) when the truth is found to be lies... (keep going the answer is yes)
R) I wish things had worked out
S) where is illy?
T) she probably isnt reading this much boring shit...
U) I am almost there
V) one of these days I should really get checked out... for the _D)
W) is the letter that a lot of question phrases start with
X) is the letter that replaces Z in some things, because everyone hates Z
Y) If my life falls apart, will the 4 people who read this still read it occasionally?
Z) HEY no fair..

Apparently I cant JUST drink tea in the morning, apparently I need food with it. I also cant eat pineapple without a pill. With so many rules and regulations can you understand why I dont enjoy food?
I mean, even the very few foods I will eat come with some sort of guidelines...
It sucks. If the food pill Ben was talking about existed, I would be the first one to sign up. Fuck food. fuck always feeling sick.

lets go down the positive side of the list:

Well, I wont be so bored in Morris for the next year... not that im bored now, but i kept getting this anxiety/sadness about everyone moving on and me having to sit around.

It opens up other opportunities, like teach for america, traveling, looking in to over seas jobs etc.

It opens me up to moving for a program.

It means i get to graduate with everyone else.

I think thats it.

A prayer answered in the oddest of ways I guess.

My body decided to pay me back for not getting any sleep over the weekend... thus it is 8:15 and I been awake for over and hour... plus i don't have anything to do but homework and fuck around till 11ish....

Dreams

In one dream I was told what my poem for the day would be. A woman came out and looked in my car and said something about how each of those is a bullet, destroying another life... (she was looking at birth control) so my metaphor poem using a household object is fairly done...

in another dream, Hacia de Ir, a band I saw in Barcelona, were professors of music world renown for jamming and what not... and they gave a lecture while playing... and nearing the end, when many of us were too excited to comprehend... the lead violinist (i think)
said something about all of us closing our eyes, and trying to join the line to the register of the widow or something like that...
as if there was a line of widows in front of a cash register... but what he meant was... embracing the pain, freedom, mourning, unknown etc of life... like when your partner dies, and suddenly you are unaware of who you are anymore.
and he used that to describe getting inside the music, letting it move you, feeling the complexity and abundance of life and death.

Steve
I was talking to my little brother last night... or maybe the night before... and it seems as if he is getting back on track... figuring out who he is, excited by life again... involved... i hope this is true. he has been struggling for a while.


feelings
A) I feel really sort of betrayed, but I'm not sure by whom... i mean i know who i feel anger to, but i feel like its me I should be angry with because I'm allowing it, pursuing it.

B) I feel regret, or unease, at not being supportive to a few people right now... not making the extra effort to reach out to them... unsure what my message would be, unsure what my place is, and usually this comes to some sort of tension and then breaks... but what happens when the person is far away?

C) I feel really dissatisfied all of a sudden, not so much that i am not aware of all the blessings... but its that ballerina stretching... is contentment enough? my heart seems to say "never" from the eastern religion pov it means im not doing so well. from the western pov it means i am part of the system.

Upcoming
I still havent decided whether i want to go to this concert on the 16th... its in the cities... i want to go, but is it worth the effort?
Today i should find out if im in the ed program... i guess... or something...
lots of fun homework...
vagina monologues this weekend....
loss of selfknowledge....

Mat says "this wet cement is quicksand, that melts time away,


her eyes are somewhere inbetween, blue sky and rocks of gray."








but anyways...


i promised a two parter... because really the weekend was not about the hair... it was about the homecoming...

friday
And so.... in relative order.... drove home with molly strother (sp?) a girl i should have met a long time ago... the sis of (hopefully future sister in law) james girlfriend julie. an anth major with a lot of the same friends... but somehow we never ran in to eachother... and it was fun... both the ride there and back.
dinner with aimee (recently home from montana, perhaps for a while)... laurens apartment for damian marley and strange strange games...

bennigans... for the boys... drinks for everyone but me and chris...
and as morecame and then the guests of the evening....
and good times...
but then the winding down effort was a little awkward...


saturday
I spent the morning at my dads place petting the cat, then ate at Emily's lebanese deli (a sort of ha--ar tradition) with my pops and my brother... monopolzing conversation in that way im prone to do when im excited or passionate... talking as if the two highly intelligent men i was sitting with didnt understand me... but they played along.

anyway the afternoon was with my mom, dinner with her and grant and the boys discussing their new idea... another good conversation
and then a wedding... petes cousin...
his family all dressed up and me, their semi adopted son... a warm welcome from cousins, parents, aunts and siblings i havent seen in a while...
and watching pete on the dance floor with his girl who not only keeps up but inspires the energy in him. and it looked perfect... and me and half his family sat back and watched as the beauty of pete shone through.... warm and affectionate, a social animal... a people person, a hilarious tasmanian devil...
I fell in love with my oldest friend again, and it only took a few minutes.
We spent the night, talking and drinking, playing games eating and dancing...
i took pictures as if i could ever capture the moment...

I hope things go well for them.
it was a great reminder of everything good, in a family that has felt a lot of tension and changes.

sunday
i woke and ran errands... stopped to hang with my dad and step sis.
had lunch with chris, and said goodbye to aimee.
picked up molly and headed back to mo-town...

mohawks for mo-town
the game was on but none of us watched it..

ben came home late and i hadnt even started my homework so why not get hot chocolate at the bar?

it was a good weekend, me thinks.
peace and love -taff

this weekend will be a 2 post thing... me thinks.

Well first as you can tell, its the hair that has changed... or is it?

The other day I was thinking about cutting my hair. I made some half assed comments to Alicia, in jest mostly...but then I returned to my room and looked in the mirror.

You see lately I have been struggling a lot with the way I look. I think I made some comments about this in the last few months. Mostly, I have been thinking I am gaining too much weight.... but it hasnt really made much sense because I havent been eating much at all... and i started looking at myself and thinking about the places I have gained weight and realized I been struggling against something that in inevitable... I am my family.

It was most noticable with my cousins... but even James... around their early 20s they suddenly changed... they were no longer the little boys, the tiny athletic kids they used to be... and even when they were in shape they had gained that bit of pudge. It aint nothin really... I mean i can feel my muscles under... but every time i looked in the mirror it made me feel bad... and I realized that part of the problem... is that for about 10 years now i have been wanting to see myself as the skinny 13 yr old I was at one point. weighing in at 115 lbs 5'11 long hair and skinny. (of course even then i thought i was overweight...) but my arms and legs havent changed that much, hell i havent even been able to grow any more hair on my face... so why should the rest of me change?

Its genetics... my gramps looks this way... my cousins look this way. I know a lot of you are going , what is he talking about... but none of you have seen me without a shirt on.

so anyway... i was looking in the mirror after joking with alicia... and I suddenly realized I am not a 13 year old anymore and if im trying to be, that aint right... so I figured I needed a change...

now Im not saying i wont grow it out again, or that my 23 yr old self has a crappy mohawk...I mean in reality shaving probably makes me look younger... im saying... i needed to change my image of myself...

and hopefully this external view will help as according to my friends I havent had short hair since I was in little league (in reality the last time i had a full head of short hair was when i was 12, my last professional hair cut)

(the real reason for the mohawk is that I doubt i will have a chance again for a long time and always wanted one.... soon I enter the adult world... and Im ok with that... Im almost ready... just a mohawk to start....)

If I were to die, right now, or this weekend... I dont think me ranting about wost would be what i wanted to leave behind...
it would probably go something more like this

Should I ever die unexpectedly...


I think I loved you more than I let on.
I think I probably took you for granted, and Im sorry for that.
I think I probably felt very touched by your presence in my life.
I know it meant a lot to me.
I hope you know I had a wonderful life.
I hope you know I dont harbor bad feelings.
I hope you know in fact, that I wont ever hold it against ya.
I'm sure I could have done more, Im sure I tried when I felt I could, but often let fear get in the way.
I'm sure that God, life, and the world will look out for you.
I know that there are people wanting the best for you right now.
I know I prayed for you.
I know I thought about you.
I know I felt guilty for not sharing more,
I know I felt ashamed for not being better,
I know I wanted to be, and was trying
I know if Im dead Im still wondering about you, and probably looking out for you if I can.
but overall
I know you are here for a reason. So thank you, you are a blessing.
Peace and love, and much respect always
Your Everlasting Taffyman... aka Mike

Frustrating....

I go talk to the Women studies advisor and she tells me I need 12 more credits, I am taken aback by this because I was under the impression I needed 8 more credits. She does add that 2 of them are done, with the india class... so that makes 10.. but a class I was counting on doesnt count (according to her). I check my APAS (the computer system major analysis thing) and it says I only need 8 credits (the india trip doesnt show up because its special) that makes 6 credits. (1 class and 1 directed study, or 2 directed studies).
Its especially frustrating because I knew I wanted to be a women studies minor first... that was the first thing that I really got in to at school and I took all these classes on purpose to fulfill that requirement, now I find that I am the furthest behind on that minor. (this semester I will complete my anth, hist, and soc minors).
Next year, I have 2 semesters: 1 of classes -that are set out in a block, non changable... the other student teaching , hopefully abroad or in some other state...
This leaves little to no time to finish a minor. This summer I need a job, no more trips and fun just work (unless opportunity knocks and seems impatient).

I was planning on doing some directed studies or something and just picking up the slack to finish it off before next semester... now it seems like I may have to either drop my minor... (i have the area of emphasis) or work my ass off... gar.

waiting on an e mail