Grrr

It’s been a tough couple of weeks. I think over the last few days I’ve been feeling relatively good. Part of it has to do with speaking my mind to my dad. Part of it had to do with the weather change and having some sunlight. Some of it had to do with reading spiritual texts and watching more spiritual stuff to give me some perspective. A lot of my clients this week are also struggling and I think the training last week helped give me a little bit of distance which has been nice. 

My dad texted me back this morning. A few short paragraphs, not necessarily responding to everything I said. But acknowledging one thing, while also hinting to disagreements between us. The small half step felt so validating that I was crying on the floor again. And then I had to remind myself I couldn’t close the distance between us with him taking a half step. 

I had this memory of M doing that. Me spending days upset and going over things again and again wondering why she would treat me this way, then confronting her in some non aggressive way, only for her to often times admit something even worse that threw me off completely, and then she’d take a half step and I was so desperate for things to be ok, that I’d make leaps across the chasm to meet her there. 

Somehow I got onto the ocd algorithm on Instagram and it’s kind of killing me. As in, last week when I was anxious and trauma brain around my dad, a lot of my ocd symptoms came back… and now that people are reminding me, it feels like they never went away just got quiet or changed, and I’ve been living into these internal compulsions the whole time without realizing it. My little rituals and routines, my constant battles internally… they got smaller so it didn’t matter as much. Last week they got big again.

It’s really fucking painful to feel that scared and ashamed all the time. 

This week I feel more like the adult version of my OCD, last week I felt like my kid version or teen version. 

I dunno… I felt like writing something down instead of going over it in my head over and over preparing for therapy tomorrow. (This is another ocd thing I do- before during and after social interactions). 

Tired

 Sunday night. 

I'm kind of exhausted. Didn't get a weekend really because I've been in a training  (5.5 hours fri-sun). A peer in the class said "yeah, you basically have worked 7 days in a row and now you have to go back to work tomorrow. 

I have 5 clients tomorrow and a dentist appointment at 8 am. Not sure what I was thinking. The coming week is giving me anxiety already even though it doesn't seem so bad. A couple of clients who are normally online are coming in person. I have an intake on Thursday. 

I haven't fully prepared though. 

Also just kind of feeling off because I've been going in and out of trauma responses for the last week as I reconnect with my dad for the first time in several months. My tarot reader lady said that this week would be a major healing step, a turning of the page. Maybe. I dunno. I feel exhausted. 

The training was ok. I felt like I didn't really get any new information, but a difference in paradigm. I know a lot of people were saying the training was a lot because it felt like new information. To me it was a synthesis of other stuff I've read... and together during a small group, I acknowledged that to some extent the paradigm shift just feels like buddhism to me. It hadn't really clicked until that moment, but after saying it -it made a lot of sense. Don't follow people into their problems and despair, acknowledge that suffering is suffering and help them find ways to have compassion for their experience -EG lend the qualities of their adult (more enlightened self) to the wounds... Wrap up your baby and hold it. 

So... not entirely a new approach, they're just finding ways to share this paradigm through psychological treatment and calling them anchors. Easy enough.

I spent much of the weekend noticing my experience, noticing the methods of teaching, noticing my desire to participate or not participate. Noticing how I was struggling to connect socially. For the first time in a while it really hit me just how burnt out I feel. Not compassion fatigue, but definitely struggling to relate. 

It didn't help that the trainings started at 8 am in a dimly lit (think mood light) room while its raining. It felt like they were trying to keep us calm or something. Many people joked about nodding off.

So it wasn't really the information,  and not really the social stuff, but eventually during the once a day practice small groups I did connect with some folks. And it was nice, but it also felt a little like we could have just had consult groups for an hour and a hand out. I guess the training so far has reminded me of grad school -sitting in a room with a bunch of folks who haven't done their reading while the teacher goes over it. Not that the instructors are boring -they're great instructors. Which made it sort of fun to watch them -lots of breaking things down experientially, lots of stories, lots of visuals, lots of jokes and interactions. 

But beyond the biology of low light, and some irritability, I've also been processing trauma all week. I spent the last few days writing "bullet points" for my dad. I feel good about it, but I spent hours and hours trying to figure out how to name what I needed to name. He told me he'd respond (like I hear you) but hasn't yet.  I guess while writing it, I realized that I am more traumatized and more mentally shook up than I realized. So now I kind of feel like a wounded animal. 

On and off this week I felt all these old behaviors and thoughts come up, and it just took so much effort to tell myself I am ok. Literally last night when I had sent this list to my dad I felt like throwing up and just cried on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet. Earlier this week I was having these intrusive thoughts of cutting myself. Its shit like this that makes it hard. But I didn't do anything too bad... I did a lot of meditation, and visualization, and ritual, and prayer...  and it was effortful.

This afternoon I was watching insta reels from therapists talking about internal OCD and so much of it seemed like my daily way of keeping myself together... and part of me wondered if I've just been tricking myself into believing I am not as bad off as I thought. Like maybe I am just really good at pretending to be functional... meanwhile I am pushing everyone in my life away and internally just going through obsession/compulsion cycles and not even recognizing it. Like my little lists... like my little routines (which I couldn't do all of this weekend). Anyway... I feel very low and I am entering into a hard week. So that sucks. 

I feel like I was hoping that at this training I might meet someone or something... But I am so not open to that right now. The little tarot reading I heard was basically like  -you're finally free to be you and to connect with people you want to. And I am like... I want to hide from the world and not come out of my cave for a week. 

Gonna do some reading and go to bed. 

argh

 My dad's love is so inconsistent, it's incredibly confusing. 

Meh

My dad just reached out. He said he was disappointed he didn't hear from me on Father's day and "if this (no contact)" is the way I want to play this out.

I am not sure how to respond. A) because sometimes the way he communicates things seems to imply I am guilty of something if I don't make more effort. B) because I have been thinking about how to move forward and the best idea I've come up with recently is maybe we ask my aunt to mediate, because though I have been heard, I haven't been understood. 

Part of me wants to say, "do you know me?"    (as in... do you think the kid who went to your wedding with the woman who you cheated on his mom with, is the one who wants to go no contact?)

Part of me wants to say "no, it isn't, got any ideas?"  (as in... don't put this on me... you're the one who screwed up). 

Part of me wants to say, "fuck you" (as in... can you acknowledge that you're part of this?)

Part of me wants to ask him to go to therapy...   (as in... do you ever take responsibility?)

I was talking with my mom briefly yesterday and she said do you think his attachment wound is that he doesn't actually attach or connect, -and we clarified 'beyond when people need him?'   I said basically -well I've dealt with that too... I sure do love to feel needed.  I suppose he has some longer-term friends, and he is close to some of his siblings... but there is a desire to be needed in those relationships. 

When we go for walks, he listens... I am sure it makes him feel like he is contributing -and he was, greatly. I miss having him as a potential confidant, or someone to talk about big things with... but I've lost trust in him again. 

I want to say... "last time we had a serious chat about this, you told me it doesn't matter what I share, what I feel, what I tell you... it won't change the way you feel about it." Well... then what's the point of talking about anything?  I mean... intellectual curiosity?   I told you that you're basically saying the people who are hurting my, my community, my business, my future are fine by you... so I guess you don't really care about my feelings, my community, my business, my future.  Right?  

Thursday, dad stuff, polishing a mirror

It is Thursday. A bunch of folks canceled so I only had two clients today and they were both hard for different reasons. 

After work I was determined to journal, went to a park and got irritable. I came home and felt kind of exhausted for no reason though. I messed around on my phone, didn't accomplish half my goals. Went out to get dinner and stuffed myself. 

On Thursdays I normally go to open mic, but I just wasn't feeling being around people. 

Maybe feeling like the world is in a scary place and I don't know how to hold it all... loosen loosen baby, you don't have to carry the weight of the world.

I am re-reading Polishing the Mirror by Ram Dass, which I actually think is one of my fav books. It is so well written, and packs in so many big concepts, interesting quotes and fascinating stories. 

I am finding it is helpful with giving me perspective, but tonight I lost it... tonight I am feeling down and out. Maybe it is the thing I've been rolling around in the back of my head all day (below) or maybe it is the state of the world, or maybe it is that I have a bunch of things this weekend and I just wanted some time to myself. 

Part of it is that I wrote myself a series of questions (kind of based off the book) to reflect on what the deal is with me and my dad right now... and I couldn't get centered enough to write until like an hour ago. After writing I wrote some commentary at the top -wondering if maybe this needs to be a regular practice. 

SO without much ado... 

Maybe I keep asking myself these questions periodically… in answering them this time, I am not sure much has changed. Maybe we have to wait till less interesting times* to not get dragged into the mess of politics and how it impacts the relationship.  9/10/26

 

What am I attached to when it comes to Dad?

I think my initial answer is that I want my dad to be someone I respect, someone I honor, someone I go to for wisdom, a friend, a peer, etc… but more than that there is this desire that he be someone I can rely on.  Someone I can turn to for comfort, someone who won’t leave me out in the cold, a safety, a security, a fallback.  I think the younger version of me still craves this. I think he also likes to see himself this way.

I think there is a part of me that wants him to change his politics (teen/adult self) because I want to see that he understands, can grow, etc. Not just understands me, but sees the world in a similar way. I think this is a further iteration of this desire that I can feel secure and trust in him… he sees the world as I do, which means he is hurt and longs for the same things. Which means he understands and can support me.

I think there is a newer part that wanted to be excited or motivated to take care of him as he ages. I think I thought I was preparing for time spent, and wanting that time to feel positive. Our walks around the lake felt like a way of securing and practicing that… but it was disrupted when I realized he doesn’t understand me even if he hears me.

I think underneath these ideas is this idea that I have parents who can support and nourish me. That I am not alone. That my family has my back. That there will be more connection than disconnection.

 

In what way am I being self-righteous rather than just being?

I am holding on to the idea that these issues matter more than the relationship… that they are bigger than the relationship. I see these patterns; I see an action and a consequence. I point that out, and I am not believed despite being right.  I see how inaction and choices made for the other side actively harm me. Harm my business, harm my lifestyle, harm my clients, harm people I care about. I point that out and rather than it being acknowledged and them taking responsibility for their behavior, I am told to get over it.  As in, it doesn’t matter that I hurt you, you’ll have to figure out how to live with that.  Additionally, I see how my hurt is considered less important than their discomfort…  My emotions, my feeling of security, my experience of being trusted, respected, believed, etc.… are asked to be on hold. I recognize that there may be ideas I’ve not been introduced to, or perspectives I could take in, but frequently these are either not offered, or offered in a way that doesn’t actually shift anything. EG conservative talking points without taking any responsibility. So my righteousness protects my perspective (sure ego) but also my mental, emotional, spiritual self, and my lived experiences… If they are not interested in them, discard them when it is convenient to them, then why be in relationship?

 

What do I need to let go of in order to maintain relationship?

To just BE with this, I would need to let go of or downplay my hurt. I’ve done that. I would have to pretend or join their denial… I could try to see it their way, but they don’t do a good job of demonstrating the logic, and they don’t do the same… so it would be me putting more into the relationship mentally and emotionally… not reciprocal. They express their care in different ways… ways that I don’t necessarily always need. Sometimes in ways that challenge me to grow or to feel invested in differently… but not with the same emotional bond. So to stay in relationship, I’d need to let go of my attachment to the idea that I should be able to go to my parents for emotional understanding, comfort, compassion. I’d be in the relationship on their level, not mine. Potentially meeting their needs and wants, not mine.

I keep thinking if I needed to rely on them, maybe it would be different. For my sister and little brother – it is. They both heavily rely on my dad and step mom. For my older brother -its him wanting his kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, meanwhile he is emotionally distant from them.

 If I needed a place to stay? If I needed a favor?  If it were transactional?  But none of these -change the emotional level. I would be grateful. I already am grateful, but I am not connected.

If my dad was hurt or ill? Dies? Would I suddenly want the relationship back?  It feels like something fundamentally shifted… I would of course care. I would probably wish I had more time… but I am not sure what it would change. I walked around the lake with him 5 times explaining different aspects, pouring out my heart, sharing my pain… he listened. He didn’t want to change, to empathize, to comfort. So that’s not the relationship he wants… So transactional then. An exchange of gifts of roughly equal value. Activities together… But why listen if its not for understanding? That’s not real. That’s what felt like it fundamentally shifted. He asks the question, waiting for me to change, to forgive him etc. but that’s me crying as a kid again, and him not doing anything to be there for me.  

In what ways can I honor my own experience without needing compassion, empathy or understanding from him?

I think there are lots of ways I can meet my own needs, be there for myself etc… including taking this time of being distant. I have to let go of an attachment that is meaningful to me, and accept what feels like a diminished position. Dad is 3 rings further out on the trust exercise.  It’s not what I want. It is what is… but I won’t be able to trust, or go to him for understanding on things, because he sees the world and his place in it differently. It will be like seeing him as a client or a coworker, who I would not choose to have a personal relationship with. Like how my brother and sister in law see him. I could go there and pretend to be all loving, but I would have to truly be in a place in which my cup feels full. I have filled it, and I don’t need or want more from them. I can’t expect that of them. SO I have to do it myself… and then, sure, value their experience, their gifts, but a distant type of connection, not in genuine relationship.

In what ways can I honor his incarnation, have compassion for his experience?

There are a lot of ideas/perspectives/experiences that I can hold and have compassion for. Very quickly my mind moves to areas in which he feels vulnerable… hearing, aging, money, feeling that he doesn’t have power -and becomes resentful. I have compassion for and empathy for these experiences, but they don’t necessarily mean he is right.  Just because you’re bitter, doesn’t make you right…  I can honor and have compassion for his lived experiences, the ways he has tried to grow and change, take on new things. I can be very grateful for the ways he has shown up for me in my life… but also expect him to take responsibility for his incarnation… right?  Like… if you don’t have the information, why not believe someone who does?  If you feel trapped or bitter, why not empower yourself rather than take it out sideways…  go to therapy man, find something bigger than yourself, don’t make it all about you or her.

Additionally, I think I can absolutely honor the ways he does show up for others. The ways he mows the neighbor’s lawn or shovels or whatever. In many ways he is a lovely neighbor. In many ways he is a lovely acquaintance, a friend, even a father when it suits him. There were plenty of times that he did show up for me when I had not expected him to, or didn’t even ask. But I also feel like they served to reduce his own anxiety.

I can have a lot of empathy-for that. I have absolutely been that guy. I certainly have showed up to reduce my own anxiety in life, I certainly have played the hero when it suited me, I have certainly played the victim or the villain when it suited me too. That melodrama is real. I guess I am just wondering why we are playing it out? I’ve tried to be open and responsible about my side. I’ve asked them to be responsible for theirs.

In what ways are my fear, insecurity, self-consciousness getting in my own way? In what ways are you living in your own punishment, melodrama that actually isn’t changing anything?

Starving yourself to punish the other. Wondering if they are thinking of you. Not accepting the truth-reality, that it has always been this way and I didn’t stand my ground. Not taking full responsibility for your own stuff because you are afraid. Scared you will be abandoned. Not reaching out to keep the discussion going. Not asking for their side, because their side is painful to hear.

 

How can I let the waves play out, let go of the anger and hurt, and just see the sea again?

On some level this feels kind of naïve… like, I can’t in the ways that I used to. But there is a sea somewhere and I think it requires this time and processing, and finding my security and safety and comfort elsewhere (or inside) to be able to see the sea. To not have waves of rage and hurt.

 

What do I get from the relationships that makes it worthwhile to invest?

It’s so sad that right now I am not sure. I have already come up with a million things that I love, and am grateful for from them… but I still feel very much like I have to choose me first, or it will never work. I can’t keep choosing them over me… and that’s what calmed the sea before, me downplaying the waves and pretending to be ok.

I think it is really easy to say… well I am just not being compassionate enough, or spiritual enough, or I am getting in my own way. But again, it feels like fundamentally something shifted… I am recognizing a pattern in which I am asked to get over my hurt, for someone else’s discomfort. They don’t want to grow, or change, or learn, or open up to the possibility that they are wrong, or hurtful or anything… so I can play the role of saint, but for what?  Has my compassion for them shifted the relationship? Has it made it better?  Has it made them want to open up? 

I don’t know their perspective, and they aren’t sharing it.

I have a feeling they would double down on the meaningless things they’ve already said, and wonder why I can’t accept a truce when their beliefs and actions continue to cause harm, distance etc.

There is something about the spiritual side of “love your enemies” that isn’t fully said, which is sometimes holding them accountable is the love, rather than pitying or infantilizing them. I am not ready to treat them like they aren’t capable of introspection (as my brother and sister basically suggested).

meh hard to be alone

I feel like I've never made a good marinade. Tonight's was so bad that I had to take the garbage out because the smell was rough. 

I don't know what to do tonight... I have two more things on my list (write/journal) and do the breathing exercise.

I don't feel very creative today. I woke up thinking I'd go spend a day at a coffee shop and be creative... and by the time I got to one I was kind or irritable. I spent an hour writing apologies to people that I've wronged or ghosted, then began to write them to people I have mixed feelings around, either open or never acknowledged conflicts. It felt good at first, then I realized I was really just writing for myself. It wasn't a true apology. I didn't want to hear their side of the story, didn't want to confront the situation... just say sorry, my bad and then dip. 

I started to reread the entries/writing I'd down around the time I started fighting with my dad and step mom... I got angry again and couldn't concentrate on anything else. 

I decided I should go for a walk. On the walk, due to the heat and other factors. I became increasingly sad, pitiful, irritated with myself. Half way through I felt pretty down, lonely, abandoned, rejected.  Felt like I was wasting my life and that even though I'd been given a lot of love by others, I didn't really feel very connected. -This is sort of the opposite of how I've felt lately -been doing a lot of meditation, self compassion, breathing, visualizations, gratitude exercises  ---all of which have kept me feeling ok despite feeling super sensitive... realizing how miserable I was making myself, I started to do one of these exercises while walking and within minutes I was crying, but also working through all the difficult emotions. I was imagining myself being there for my younger self who feels like too much, and all alone. I held him, shared positive feedback etc... 

The last 15-20 minutes of my walk I was sweating my ass off and uncomfortable but not sad/irritable anymore. I got groceries. Came home and showered. Did some spanish. 

I don't really want to go for a walk because its like 85 and humid. I don't really want to reach out to folks... feel like I am doing good for myself... but don't know how to expand that into something bigger.

Since I got home, I've been on and off having that anger with my family pop up. I think I miss my Dad. I feel like I don't know what to do about that, because yeah, I could see him. It would be fine. But I am still angry and hurt... and it feels like its not my job to make things better anymore. Thats the promise I've been trying to fulfill for myself. It's not my job to do other's work for them... its my job to be there for myself. I did that today. But ... still alone. When will that change?

I wish I could say I am gonna be productive tonight... but I know I am gonna go lay in bed on my phone. Its about 7pm and I am ready for bed. 

3 things

 1) There is this place in my dreams that repeats. It reminds me a bit of that backrooms movie. I think initially it was this massive extension of a home I lived in as a child. Underground tunnels led to large structures, more and more rooms. I don't recall if in that initial dream there were some tunnels/rooms that were scary, but over time, within the dream, these structures took on this otherworldly scary quality. The theme repeats every so often. Sometimes it is literally like a horror movie nightmare. Most of the time it is a normal dream in which there are areas that are off limits, or not for us. I am being subtle here, but it is something like demons, ghosts, devils... these rooms are hellish... even if they look normal, upon entering you feel it creeping up your skin. Shivering with sudden fear. It's like when you're in your basement at night and you feel something is with you. It's like when you're running up the stairs and you feel something chasing you. That the feel of these spaces. In the dreams I've never confronted the evil, or seen it... I just know. Multiple times I've felt it... I just know that there are certain spaces that are off limits.  Anyway, last night I had one of those dreams... it started with an icecream truck that was being sold, and turned into me cleaning two of the rooms that were adjacent to one of these hallways that leads to the evil... and I wondered why I felt so ok... being just one room away. Like I was getting more and more comfortable living beside this thing... less scared of it?  I dunno... I just find it weird. I know I've had a lot of vivid dreams lately... last nights wasn't a nightmare, it was nightmare adjacent and I guess I felt confident enough to manage. 

2) I went to see Hadestown again. Loved it, but maybe didn't need to see it sooo quickly. Still cried through the end. On the way home I saw dozens of people out enjoying a summer friday night together. And felt even lonelier. 

3) I don't have much to do this weekend. I couldn't find a protest other than probably just the street ones. I could do that. It's supposed to be really hot, and maybe a little rain. So maybe coffee shop and writing?  I finished a poem (I think) and even recorded a video of it last night... felt good. It reminded me in some weird way that my enneagram's growth position is a 3, use your voice, step into the light, express yourself, achieve, accomplish, be celebrated and congratulated for your efforts (kind of yuck -but if done in a healthy way it would be growth for a guy like me). But I still haven't performed at the open mic I've been going to all summer. I am not sure what I want to publish. Not sure what I am doing for my next steps... Tonight is pretty much over though... so it will have to be sat and sun. 

Distracted

 I've felt kind of distracted today.

Thinking about overlapping and non overlapping moralities and their intersection with privilege and power.

A leader who gives an order and a million die from sudden neglect... but it serves him and he doesn't think about the consequences. 

A person who checks their phone 400 times a day and only 3 times a year is reminded of the slave labor that wrestled the materials from the earth and manufactured it... thinks how sad, and then scrolls to the next thing. Again, it serves me, I do nothing regarding the consequences. 

A person who in their desire to be close to power, doxes and serves as lapdog vengeance for the powerful.

A person who in their desperation to fight back harms the non-influential family member of the powerful.

A system that is rigged to serve one group immorally, and an attempt to disrupt that system that uses the same tools is considered immoral. (We don't believe in political violence -says the side with the largest army). 

Give unto caesar what is caesars... 

Well... more than half of the emperors of rome died by violence, held power through violence, died by violence. Some of them got statues and coins, some of those statues were also beheaded. 

Is the exercise of thinking of the morality in itself a barrier to change, a binding spell cast down upon the masses... that the elite instill on others but do not follow? religion the opiate... until the next religion whether it be capitalism, or nationalism, or what can be pushed... 

I watched a video yesterday that reminded me: we are animals. We don't ask the dog what its purpose is. We get annoyed but don't judge it for barking or leaping. A group of dogs can be violent toward one another, but we don't call it violence. We don't need each of its behaviors to have a deeper meaning. We don't ask it to bear the weight of the world. Don't question whether it has been productive enough today to deserve it's daily bread. 

When dogs fight over food, they don't question fairness or morality. If our leaders choose to destroy the ties that bind us together, pitting us one against the other, dismantle the shared safety nets, the-communal resources, starve us, deprive us, make it impossible to thrive, make it impossible to see neighbor as brother or peer, but as competition to scrap with... is it not moral to question and fight the system that creates such conditions.

Sometimes, I think about things more historically... its only recently that we started assigning morality to past historical actions... "they were bad for doing x."  I mean, sure... but without x the world you know would not exist. There are statues of Christopher Columbus all over latin america... he was not a good man, even his own people recognized that at the time... but he isn't remembered for being good, his actions had consequences that made opportunities for us today.   I think some elite think of things on that scale. Some leaders don't care whether their contribution was good or bad, just consequential. Change the map. Get your name in every paper and history book. Be the first, or the unique... 

These qualities don't really serve those they lead... but they are impactful. One could say -hey there are positive leaders who added, created, benefited humanity... yes, but probably also at a cost, a disruption. 

Maybe we need to get out of this mindset that disruption is bad -it is a scarcity position. Survival mode. Don't cause friction or things could get worse... they are getting worse, is your obedience to the system helping? at what point do you take a bigger risk to make things better?  

restless anxiety and insecurity a test?

I'm not sure what it is. I think I am doing a good job managing it, but I find it funny to suddenly feel insecure again. I was feeling pretty optimistic, aligned, (there was so many little coincidences and what not) and then suddenly I am doing that Hinge thing and I just lose all confidence. 

Yesterday I realized all my appointments are online today, so I figured I'd just work from home. But sitting in front of a computer all day, feeling trapped, feeling restless, feeling like I haven't done enough... is badddddd. 

I ate a salad for lunch and walked around the block. I did my breathing and meditation exercises. Things feel better. I am just aware that the wind was taken from my sails. Probably some grief. Probably something to do with that nightmare -as I reread it I saw multiple themes of trying to move forward and getting stuck or trapped even prior to the feeling taken advantage of...  probably something to do with not knowing the *right way forward... 

On facebook I am part of this 'therapist dating group' where its just therapists talking about how hard it is to date. We are all scattered around the world -so it isn't really like people on there to hook up -even if they wanted to. Themes include: I am healing from a difficult relationship, I see red flags everywhere, I don't know how to get out of work mode, I have to deal with all these people's assumptions and insecurities around dating a therapist... and just the difficulty of putting yourself out there when you've been holding space for others all week. Very relatable, but I am not sure its helpful for me to keep reading them.

Tonight I am gonna go to trivia again. I think maybe next week I will invite people. Doesn't hurt to ask. 

Not sure what the rest of the week looks like... open mic. Maybe need to find a protest.  In a few weeks I am going to a training all weekend... but for now... just chilling.

Ok I lied

 I did download hinge and started filling it out, and then just got kind of repulsed by the whole thing and deleted it. 

I’m not sure what it was… maybe because I basically only have selfies for pictures. Maybe because when picking three prompts I felt like I was limiting myself and didn’t know how to make an honest impression. Do I tell people I’m a picky eater and weed out all the folks that would find that annoying? Do I tell people I’m a therapist? Do I share about my goal of traveling the world? Do I pretend like I’m interested in small talk dates?  I just have no fucking desire for traditional dating. I never have. I get to know someone, fall for them and then ask them if they can see themselves continuing to hang with me… I don’t really know another way to weed through all the bullshit. I don’t want to go on dates. I have a hard enough time not turning them into intake sessions. 

Everyone I’ve ever fell for I saw from across a room and felt they were special. I’m just not drawn to the digital profile in the same way. I’d probably weed out all the people who are compatible in favor of those who take good pictures or know how to write well. Both of which I’d love in a partner but that’s not all.   

I find myself wanting to say, if you can’t handle a political conversation or one on religion, psychology or culture I’m out. If you love dogs and sports, or nationalism im out. If you can’t put up with someone who eats chicken nuggets and fries or Chinese for half his meals… if you don’t love humans! If you can’t see yourself traveling outside of a resort - but also I’m not a wilderness person. I love exploring cities and the things humans have made. I dunno.  I am better in person is what I’m trying to say, if you don’t find me endearing it will never work. 

Follow up from last post

 It’s close to 11. I had a couple of cancellations. I’ve been scrolling on the social media and looking at news. 

My first appointment was fine, but there is a heaviness still that I haven’t shaken. 

After writing down my dream this morning, I pulled tarot cards. 2 of cups, the sun, 10 of pentacles, judgment. A whole spread of super powerful positive messages. It made me cry. Made me feel like maybe the difficulties could be overcome, that there was something better around the corner that I had not felt worthy of… maybe a nightmare could be a tower moment, let it fall and see what can be built from the ashes- perhaps a better world. 

I pray that such despair and suffering can be made into empathy and growth, that my own shame, guilt and wrongdoing can be repurposed toward light.  

But it’s been a heavy morning, and I don’t feel that yet. I feel like I am going through the motions and trying to fake it till I make it. 

My friend asked me last night why I perceive invitations as coming with strings even if they don’t exist… I said I’ve grown up with shame, fear, fear that something will be taken before I am ready, fear that I won’t be able to say no, shame that I am not enough, and it’s only a matter of time till someone finds out. Etc. she said she’s known me for 23 years and I still have some breathing room. 

To live differently… to perceive a sheep as a sheep?  M used to confront me with that, she said not every sheep is secretly a lion… but I knew she was a lion, and I dropped my guard anyway… more and more, I am less hurt and angry with her, and far more judgmental of myself for the way I responded to being hurt. 

Maybe I think  of myself as a lion in sheep’s clothes, so I project that on the world?

I dunno… but it’s hard to put things back into boxes this morning. I have a hope - that somehow that strange dream was trying to tell me that things could be better… even though it didn’t feel that way in the dream. Like let’s burn off this piece of karma, and let you breakthrough (judgment card). 

I’ve also just been afraid in the back of my mind that something will happen and I won’t know how to respond… because I feel self righteous. What happens when I run face first into regret? Will I feel ashamed and guilty again, or will I be able to acknowledge that I feel regret because I loved, but could not find a way to be loving.

I went to see Hadestown the movie (a recorded broadway show) and cried and cried throughout… doubt comes in.  

But we’re gonna sing it again and again. 

It’s important to do so. 

I know the intent of my heart. Even if others can’t always give it the benefit of the doubt, I can be the one who does so. My heart is good. 

2nd follow up 7:25  Gonna go for a walk after this I think... 

Today E officially changed her fb status to dating the guy I'd suspected she was dating since Feb.  I felt her pull back around that time. She never confirmed anything, and I didn't ask. But she became less communicative and didn't always follow through... around April or May I saw a picture of her with someone... and said "yeah that makes sense."  Since then, I've assumed. I am sad. But I am happy for her. I don't want to hold her back. I guess I am more just dealing with a touch of the old grief. But its good. It's a good thing. 

Also, I told myself I'd download a dating app. Went with Hinge. We shall see. 

Also... I kept forgetting to mention this in my journaling this weekend... but the thought occurred to me of how set in my ways I am... or how unwilling I am to change.  I think about the influence of others in my life and I can acknowledge the impacts of folks I've dated or been friends with... but I find it odd how much I am still exactly the same even after I get out of these relationships. E definitely helped me be more aware of my home environment...  and added some furniture for sure. But... I dunno. My activity interests and style didn't shift much. I actually went back to the way I'd been before her  -as in things like watching tv (way more with her than alone)...  but also I think that is representative of where she was in her life. She wasn't able to go out or do much, felt stuck, felt scared... hopefully she has continued to grow since we broke up (almost two years ago now) (end of sept early oct)?

Disturbing nightmare (trigger warning).

I woke up at about 3 am and couldn't fall back to sleep. I was able to rest. I was not restless. I was not overthinking, or tossing and turning. Sure my stomach was uncomfy... but nothing new. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep till after 4am.  Which is when I had this nightmare. 

The dream started off ok. I woke up early, too early. Someone else was waking up for their thing, but it was too quiet in the house, and I realized I'd not be able to get back to sleep. So I decided to go out on the town... to explore this place. Donuts. I had a feeling I'd been to this town before, probably in a dream, over there on the right is the place where that one thing happened, vagaries like that, over here is a coffee place... the kind of thing I do when I am traveling, map out a city in my mind, notice spots, notice them from a different approach to make the model 3d, to draw it out. I knew of several donut places, but I didn't want to just do a standard thing. I wanted to meet the moment of early morning adventure. 

I found this small bakery/patisserie on the top of a building that I knew had some shops inside. How I got up there, I do not know. But I tried to read the menu board and couldn't. I asked for a smaller version of it thinking that I needed better glasses. It didn't seem to help. It felt like I was reading italian. The experience of it made me question my idea of adventure, maybe I am not up for this you know. But there were pictures, and in the pictures they had pastries that looked like a mix between a croissant and a slice of pie... pistachio, chocolate mousse, I worried about the dairy content, but by the time I was considering this, the morning crowds were forming. It was a very popular place. I am not sure if I ended up getting anything. 

I found myself at a sort of construction job site. It was a warehouse of sorts, in which things were still being arranged. I found myself crawling on top of floor that was rapidly meeting the ceiling. I don't know why I kept inching forward, but eventually became stuck. The only way out, to inch backwards. I felt trapped and scared, the world was crowding in, I was shocked that anyone would ever make this.  Eventually I was able to push myself back enough to get out, but the ordeal of it was distressing. I told someone, they nodded with a laugh -as if I should have known better.

I found myself in an office full of people. It was the gathering place for therapists before they went off to see clients. People were drinking coffee, chatting, prepping things. It was bustling, and at the same time, felt like everyone was confident of their role and place. I knew my schedule was open until later in the day. I had a supervisee (who was actually an old student of mine), followed by a couple of appointments. It was going to be an easy day, so I was enjoying the company. 

(nightmare part) I woke up early. Confused. I felt like I had gotten a lot of sleep but I wasn't sure why, or what was happening. The day started fine, but I had this suspicion something was missing and couldn't place it.  I started going through my motions, occasionally talking to people. Some gave me smirks like they knew something, others seemed oblivious. I tried to trace back the time... 

I had been sitting in the shared room enjoying the company. It didn't go beyond that. My memory just hit a wall. I was supposed to see my supervisee, I had no recollection of that meeting. I was supposed to have a couple of appointments, I couldn't bring them to mind. What is wrong with me? I had to have been there right? I was already at work... but I couldn't convince myself that I had completed the tasks I couldn't remember. 

Am I sick? Did something happen?  I started to feel very unsure of myself, not just the loss of the memory, but what did this mean about my work if I can't complete tasks? What does it mean if I ghost clients? What was wrong with me?  What if it happened again?  What if I lost my job?

I was honestly worried sick, and somewhat afraid to ask. But forced myself to. But people's answers didn't make sense. They seemed to suggest I was fine, happy even. 

Eventually I was in a room of people again. Colleagues, old friends, people I didn't know. I think there were layers of this where I was hearing about behaviors I did that weren't quite right. Someone suggested I left work to go have sex. I couldn't fathom that. My friend (who I haven't seen in 20+ years) said, I saw you eating a poptart and a hotdog, and I was just soooo thrown off by that. In what world would I be doing that? That doesn't make any sense... and then someone said you went home with those two girls... and it dawned on me that I had been drugged. 

One of them was there in the room, or was later in the dream... and when I confronted her, she wasn't defensive, or hurt, or empathetic, or anything. She seemed almost giddy, she was so excited by what she had done, she felt empowered... and she didn't seem to think it had hurt me, even though I was crying and shaking with how violated I'd felt. She seemed to think she had done this brilliant thing (kind of like someone is manic and they only see their side as being important).  She started talking about all the ways they had violated me, gone past my boundaries, and I couldn't... I felt validated in knowing the truth, but sooo shaken up. 

I found myself later trying to explain why I was so upset. Even though I felt physically fine, and had no  recall of any of these experiences (even when she talked about them -nothing came up). But the experience of having so many people aware of my behaviors and misinterpreting my experiences -without me knowing anything... I guess I realized I had to tell people the truth. I was drugged and raped.

I started trying to explain this to a group of friends and family, but they weren't really taking it seriously, and I snapped at one of them who made a comment that implied I was being dramatic. He apologized after... people didn't know what to do or say. I told them I knew I needed to press charges, but without any memories I didn't really care... the feeling of being violated and robbed of my memory, felt soooo  -I don't even know the word. I just felt like the whole of me was thrown aside and now I was maybe not worthless... but like not of worth. Like there was nothing to be confident or center in anymore. I'd lost all of my self.  Someone had plucked out my sense of self and the earned value... now I was basically just flesh to be played with. I wanted to die. 

That was my conclusion. Not that I would kill myself. Not that I had a plan or anything...

I just was surrounded by friends and family, and it didn't matter anymore, I pressed my head to the table and mumbled it. And no one knew how to respond, so they just kept moving and whirling around me. I want to die. 

Then I woke up... still feeling shaken and vulnerable. Wondering what it means. I spent the next few hours tossing, waking, thinking about it, wanting better outcomes. wanting to dream and not be awake. I had thoughts of those I knew have been sexually assaulted, I had thoughts of my own trespasses. I had thoughts of wondering if I would lose my sex drive over this dream which seemed to turn one person's pleasure into another's despair. In some ways, I want to claim this nightmare as a positive, an expansion of empathy?  But I am also just really alarmed, creeped out by how viscerally I felt all of these experiences. (not the thing itself, but the aftermath).

I know I need to shift out of these thoughts and into my day... but it felt important to write them down. 

Invitation

This weekend I was invited to some things, and said yes. 

On Friday a friend asked me to go to a sound bath in a park. I have been to sound baths, but had never been to this park nor knew what I was showing up for. I went. I enjoyed it. It was awkward, but good. 

(I'll come back to this). 

On Saturday I went to my old roommate's 40th birthday party. I didn't know what to expect except that I would run into old friends/roommates I potentially hadn't seen in 10-15 years. I went, it was awkward at times, but really good. 

On Sunday I went to breakfast with some of those same folks. Wasn't sure what to expect, threw some ideas out there. It was really fun. My friend (past roommate) who had invited me to breakfast is different than the one who had the birthday. But both asked me to reach out, or even come visit (the ones out of town).   

Lately I've been doing this heart meditation, and one of the things you're supposed to do is cultivate a positive feeling in your heart. I've cultivated appreciation, gratitude, curiosity, openness, but one that has been particularly hard and also particularly moving is the feeling of being invited. My friend invited me into her home in New York to take care of her precious living things. My friends of old and new invite me to activities. People invite me all the time... and I don't always take them up on it... don't trust the invitation. 

But walking around the lake today after breakfast, I was thinking about -how did I lose all these nourishing fun/silly/adventurous friends?   And how nice it is that even a decade later they don't hesitate...  You are invited. You are welcome. You are weird and we know it. We want you around anyway.  As I was walking the lake -I was thinking about how I let go of so many of these relationships (for multiple reasons), but one of the reasons I lost community was that when people invited me -I didn't show up. And that when I became tired/disconnected/lost or hurt... I let go of the people who invited me into positive connecting relationship -often by holding tighter to the people who made me feel needed (but didn't quite fill my cup).  

At the soundbath I laid on the ground staring at the sky, watching bugs and birds, and occasional planes fly by. Watched the clouds float. Listened to the ringing, waves of sound, let them reverberate through me... felt myself resting on the Earth, recognized I'll never not be held by the Earth. That I am tied to this planet and can always trust that. 

At the party last night I watched people take risks for a joke, or to perform (there was karaoke) I didn't perform or feel the need to... but it was just such a fun atmosphere. Even the folks who picked songs that were way out of their ability... it was like the harder they tried the more you loved them. I dunno, it was just a really fun experience.  My friend shared that he lost some of his voice this morning after performing... and I was like... yeah but you created an experience for people that they didn't know could exist... and it was awesome. 

At breakfast this morning (4-5 of us) sat around eating, making jokes, being curious, being open, trusting that silliness was ok, trusting that seriousness was ok.  These are all friends from Morris and it was like -the old morris community. I missed that ability to flow in and out... to banter, to build off one another, to make call backs. I just appreciate these folks so much. 

I dunno... 

Tonight I might go see Hadestown (adapted for the movie theater) or "the Invite"

I guess I was planning on seeing the first, but now that I am writing this, wondering if I should see the second. What do you think? is there some sort of kismet thing?

Not sure what else to say. I have an hour to make the decision. Gonna do some breathing and meditating. Gonna do some dishes. Maybe a little work. Life is really good... 

but also still waiting for a change. 

Energy work (sat) and Self Assessment (Sun)

 

Energy work

Went out to the border of Wisconsin to see an energy worker. Wasn’t entirely sure what to expect as it seems they are all a little different. I liked her space, art and spiritual items on the walls and shelves, jewelry for sale, butterflies over the bed space, a nice scent, low light.

To be perfectly honest I kind of had a hard time taking in the person. I guess I was trying to notice where I was at and how I felt. Vulnerable. And in that space I don’t make as much eye contact. She seemed to be able to pick up on the things I was thinking a few seconds after I had thought them, sometimes slightly off.

I can’t remember what I wrote in my intake form, but she was prepared.

She introduced me to a few larger concepts I hadn’t visualized or considered before but generally I was familiar with 90% of what she was sharing, and to some extent she overshared… or, I got it, and kind of tuned her out to notice what I was experiencing, including my desire to intellectualize things. But it was all pretty clear cut even though she shared for a bit.

 

I think the energy work part also mirrored what I was experiencing overall.

It is so hard to allow myself to be attended to.  To trust that someone is able to do so, without their own agenda, without their needs being met first.

She acknowledged this going in, “hey let me take care of myself, let me clear the space, that’s the part you’re paying for.”  I share similar sentiments with my clients. This is your space, your time, let me adjust and do my own work, you have no need to attend to me.

(Which maybe sometimes is a lie?)

But anyway… to some extent I was tuning her out because what she was sharing already made sense to me, and she was explaining to allow me to get comfortable with the procedure and it was helpful, but I picked up what she was putting down.

She did give me some flowery language that felt good, but that I didn’t fully trust. She said you have a strong hara line (which she explained), but there is a disconnect with your aura, like they aren’t talking to one another… meaning in essence, you have a great ability to be integrated/connected/aligned in a durable sturdy way, but it isn’t resonating outward to the environment -as in you know you’re capable, but you’re masking/disconnected. Which she acknowledged.

So the way she would integrate was to use the heart chakra as a gateway between the spirit and the body, and sort of integrate/open/expand not just the flow of the connection between these chakras but then outward into the larger field. And it all made sense to me energetically and intellectually.

But on the table… a different thing.

She asked me to basically ground into my heart space, and I can do that easily. Bring to mind gratitude, appreciation, etc. Again, most of the time easily… breathe into them, expand… ok why can’t I breathe?

Then after settling into that rhythm, relaxing a little bit into that centeredness she switched to the upper chakras and at times I felt a little aware of my furrowed brow, the heaviness in my mind… but again more easily integrated. Then she switched to my sacral, and solar plexus … and again, why don’t I know how to breathe, to relax, to sit with, to be attended to. These great judgments that held me locked into place. And this desire to open up, to let go, to be held and understood… such great desire to be known and cared for… but the fear so much stronger. Not just those judgments -why don’t you know how… but underlying them, why are you so afraid, why don’t you believe you deserve it, why do you push this away so strongly?  

I started crying, turned away, couldn’t breathe. She told me I was doing good, that I wasn’t alone, that it was ok. And my inner judge that keeps me safe was very much defensive to those statements. Made me want to laugh. “I’m not alone? Really?”  “I’m ok?  I don’t even know how to let someone get close to me without being afraid.” “I’m doing good… yeah right. Every part of me wants to turn away right now.”

She told me after there is a lot of grief there. I think that’s the nice way to put it… grief is the underlying emotion, grief and hurt, loneliness, rejection, self abandonment, abandonment by others… there is a tremendous amount of grief there, but its coming up as trauma. It’s coming up as unsafe/and judgy. 

If I have access to my brain, or my heart in this case I can try to remind myself… but multiple times I had to open my eyes to remind myself where I was, and that it was ok. Afterwards as we were debriefing a little and scheduling another appointment I started dissociating a lot. It was wild how unreal everything felt… I was just gone -either locked into thoughts… or just not present at all. I was able to get through it. Settled myself in the sun walking around the parking lot and the sidewalk… but

I am sooo comfortable and safe in my head. I can get to my heart easily… but beneath that?  To integrate with this body, to feel grounded can be so hard sometimes.

I’ve been doing a lot of meditations around feeling rooted… around breathing through each chakra. I think she could sort of tell that I have the ability to do these things… but they require safety and effort.  Let go, let someone else take care of you? Place their hand on your stomach, or your heart… oooh.

I felt better after. Good enough that I almost said hi to someone in chipotle just because I liked their smile… But I also feel sad for myself. 

This is pretty much the same space I got to with doing trauma work the last couple times. There is a vulnerability that is just soooo uncomfortable…and like so many layers of protection, trying to keep me separate, trying to keep me from going there.

On the long drive home, part of me reviewed some of my recent experiences of feeling attended to, welcomed, appreciated… how awesome it felt, how much difficulty I had trusting it.  How many times have I avoided someone else’s genuine intention to just love me?    Why does it feel so unsafe to do so. 

This morning and yesterday, I was missing E. I was missing our relationship. Missing coming home to her. Having a partner. Having someone who I can share my days with. As I was driving out to this energy appointment I was shifting that grief into gratitude… how lucky was I to have such a beautiful experience?  And you don’t need to go to that next place, because the lopsidedness was also true. SO just be grateful and send some love and light…

But on the way home I was considering how I felt taken advantage of in multiple relationships… never really asserting my needs except with boundaries I’ve held since I was a kid (can’t eat that, have to wash my hands, etc.). How I was certainly left with the feeling at times that my needs didn’t matter, that my heart and my attempts to love weren’t good enough and I hadn’t earned approval or trust or love… And even if that wasn’t the impression they were trying to leave me with (EG. E…) that because she wasn’t in a good space it was the truth anyway.  And I can acknowledge because I didn’t feel safe in any of these relationships, I also held back, had doubts, put up walls when I could have let them in… but they hadn’t made it safe to do so… or couldn’t.

The interplay of I can show my own heart a lot of appreciation… I can even remind myself of positives others have shared, their welcome, their gratitude -but to let someone else hold my heart?

So I guess that’s my thing to keep working on…

Sunday Self Assessment

It's about 3pm

Today I went and got groceries, cut up some stuff, will have ribs in the oven before I go to a cultural show... (Flamenco dancing-saw it online and thought, why not). Most of the day I've felt like I am not doing enough, not being enough... in part because I don't have any feedback or anyone to share the day with. It's all me you know.

Around 11 I realized that other than many daily productivity, I basically assess myself under one metric and always come up short. I am not in a relationship. People will point out I have had multiple careers, have a successful business, maintain an apartment, have long time friends, connections around town, traveled the world, savings in my bank... etc. But I don't have a relationship or kids... so -

It's not a very fair standard is it? Totally dismisses so many things I have done, put time and effort into... lives I've impacted for better and worse. 

I've been trying to be more fair to myself recently, to invite in new opportunities to see myself and my world differently. Go to a flamenco show. Go see a play. Go try a new activity. Indulge in an old activity you love.  Go travel. Make a new dish... and each of these things does add a memory or new experience, and I really enjoy it. but I also often come up feeling short still.  

I went to see a movie last night around 7pm (my two big activities yesterday -energy work, and a movie).  I really liked the movie. It felt like something a little underhanded, like half the audience wouldn't be in on the joke. It was sexual, and gross, and kind of romantic, and weird... and it was exactly the kind of thing I love but never share with anyone. I was in a theater full of people laughing along, cringing at the same spots, uncomfortable by the gross parts, questioning their own morality... and when we walked out together I could tell other people enjoyed it, wanted to talk to their friends about it, stood around outside the theater to chat. And I went home. Played a computer game till midnight. Woke up again around 9 am to do it over again. 

I guess what I am saying is. I know its not really fair to me. But I also feel like its sort of inevitable that I would feel this way because all the positive things I do, also make me question why I am doing them alone.   

I thought about connecting with people in my building. For some reason my small interactions with them don't make me drawn to the idea. Maybe go to trivia a block away and ask folks to do that? low stakes. easy enough. Fun...  I might try it. But just not sure how to meet my people.

I've been thinking since I came home from New York that I am not satisfied with just a private practice. Maybe get back into teaching?   But today I was thinking about how eager I am to give away my free time to this new idea of working... when part of the reason for going into private practice was to have more work life balance. Like... wait a minute. This will be a job. Why am I trying to work more?  And I know its because I am bored... but why not take a class myself then? Why not try out something where I am meeting peers?  Why go hang out with presumably younger people for a few hours a week (working)... and not just create my own workshops? 

I dunno.

All that is to say. I think I live a really good life. I feel very blessed, and I have a lot to be grateful for. I have had more opportunities than a lot of folks, and though I am risk averse to a great degree... I've set myself up in a way that I can pursue basically anything I want to do. But I am... lonely.  Its very easy to judge myself when I am feeling so proud, and also so alone. 

This week should be easy enough... basically 5 people a day. Therapy on Wednesday I think. A birthday party on Saturday. This flamenco thing tonight followed by hopefully tasty ribs. Trivia? Open mic? Research jobs and update my resume?  Practice my spanish... day dream about the future. 

The daily

 Its Wednesday. This week is going fine... I have less clients today and don't really know what to do with myself. I am exercising a bit, made some lunch. Probably do Spanish. Gonna see a friend for dinner. 

Had dinner with my mom and step dad last night, hung out for a few hours. 

Monday and Tuesday had busier days at work... back in the flow of seeing clients. 

Tomorrow maybe doing open mic?  Friday maybe a social thing at the place down the street...? stranger danger.  Sat energy healing appointment. Sunday Flamenco show...

I mean, I have things. But it all feels very routine and not very life changing. 

I keep waiting for something that gives me new direction, and it keeps not happening. Considering maybe trying to teach again at a college or something. Maybe going to trivia weekly and having it act as a drop in spot for friends or acquaintances. I don't really want to commit to something bigger -worried it will be too much energy and not worth the effort.  Protests? sure... but probably not organizing or joining a political campaign. I told myself if I don't meet someone new by September I have to get on a dating app, but in my past experience that's been a lot about voyeurism (seeing opportunities) and less about actually meeting someone. Hoping to go to Mexico City next spring... can probably start planning.

Don't know what I am doing with family. Haven't talked to E in months. There was definitely a drop in my social interactions...  

I dunno, I guess I didn't have a lot to say. Maybe do some dishes... Probably could have used another cup of coffee. 

Home

 It’s been kind of a weird transition back. 

Yesterday I got in and took a bus/train combo home, lamenting the whole way that there were no people here (until cedar riverside). Even the U was dead on a Friday afternoon. It was hot/humid, and everyone must be out of town…? I dunno I felt sad. I ended up taking a nap and staying in after getting canes for dinner. I woke up and it was drizzling, and gray and kind of yuck. Grabbed checks, got groceries, put away my stuff from the trip. Went to the bank, went for a walk. 

At a coffee shop right now, probably go to a movie in an hour. My mood has slowly gotten better, but part of that has been fantasizing about leaving again… so is that better?  

I walked the river paths, and the green put me in a better mood. Still not a lot of people, and so quiet… but I considered all the things and prayed while walking, and ended up on a fantasy of leaving for two years or never coming back, spending all my grandmas money buying tickets for people to come join me on my last hurrah. 

At a certain point I wondered why it was so easy to feel optimistic about leaving my own life behind… and again realized I’m not happy here… I’m content most of the time, but as of right now, not happy. I have some friends but don’t always feel very connected to them.  Just different interests and circumstances? I dunno. Barely talking to half my family, and we are all so independent. No prospects for a family of my own or even a partner… no community and none promised. I’m not bought into anything except my own survival and independence and if it’s that, why not be independent elsewhere? 

But I do love this place. I do love the green. I do love the art and murals. I do love the people. I do love the STOP ice stop signs. Maybe I just need to find a new neighborhood or something. 

OR buy into something. As I told my friend, I know that if I moved to NYC I would still be me, and that doesn’t seem like it would necessarily bring about a positive change… and at the same time I looked at the powerball numbers and wondered - if I had a few million to spare would I move there? Yes! 

My fantasy included the goodbyes… all the people I’ve loved, all those I’ve wronged, all those I carry in my heart. It’s funny that the three women who loved me the most openly were the three I broke up with. I worried they had lost themselves. All are doing better now… I think. 

I felt like I as singing “where do I go” the whole walk. What is this life? I know that if I still feel this way in a year it’s time for a change. 

There is just too much beauty to spend so much time feeling meh. Not that things can always be a honeymoon, but I need more honeymoon in my life. 

Write?

Create?

Teach?

Travel?

Who can I love that will love me back?

Last night in town

 Turns out I love New York. I spent the last 6 days here and every day was great even though I went to different places and did different things. The first two days I exclusively stayed in Brooklyn (with the exception of the airport). The last 4 I’ve been in manhattan and the other islands and a little time in Brooklyn at the end of the day. 

Did I write about yesterday?

Yesterday I took the subway up to MOMA and it was a great museum. Again, you see paintings that are famous, and they look like the painting you know. But Klimt, Kahlo, Dali, Monet, Van Gogh, all the modern famous people! It was a treat for the eyes, and I rushed through in a couple hours so that I didn’t have to worry about the play. 

I suppose I was also a little museumed out by that point, but all the art that looked cool, I stopped to admire, including one room where the artist lady took photos of people sleeping in her bed. It said she got the idea because she got sick of following people around all day… the line between art and crime is thin. 

One thing I didn’t quite realize was how small some of these famous paintings are… Frida made really small works of art. I had no idea. 

Other modern art stuff just looks like hey I needed to fill some space. And it’s easy to walk by, because I don’t get the symbolic meaning, and I don’t care to in the moment.

Anyway I got out early and had plenty of time to meander my way to broadway, stopped at the cathedral and another church, stopped at Rockefeller center (building?) whatever it’s called, stopped at time square- ran away because it was too overwhelming, came back later.  Did a bunch of stuff and ran around smiling and taking pictures and generally enjoying New York. Then I went to see the Buena Vista Social Club on broadway and it was amazing! Great music and dancing, great story. Just loved every minute of it. Then I talked to my mom on the phone because she likes to live vicariously through my travels and she has basically been calling me everyday to hear about it (which is really nice). Also she really loves New York, and told me tonight she would have been really disappointed if I didn’t also. But I do… and we talked for over an hour several days about how great it is here. 

Then I went to madam toussads (sp?) and goofed my way through it. Would have been better with someone else but was still silly. Also they had a 4d “ride” with jumanji and I was glad I’d seen the movie (the new one) it was really fun. 

Then I walked down to Bryant park which I fucking loved!!!! And  grand central and then out to the UN building which had its flags down so it didn’t seem so great. A Tibet protest outside and a ceremony?   I made my way back to Brooklyn. 

Today. I started at the Empire State Building - which means nothing because from the street you can’t see shit. So I went south towards a park, and then decided to go to Chelsea and as I got further away the view of the Empire State Building got better and better. I stopped outside the vessel, and then did the high line through Chelsea to the Chelsea market… both super cool. The high line might be even better if I knew anything about plants or gardening but I loved the views and the weird voyeurism  aspect of being basically next to people’s lives while walking above ground… hard to explain, or would take more words… they have giant windows and outdoor patios that basically are 10-15 feet away from the path?

Chelsea market kind of reminder me of every market made inside an old warehouse or whatever that has been made the hip cool place. But it was also fun.

From there I went south and got pizza at one of the best rated places. Which was good. I hope New York can forgive me, but I like punch pizza better… I mean it was great, but was it better than Neapolitan? 

Then I went to Stonewall, which the memorial itself was nothing, but the little tourist center small though it was, was really nice. Just like a fun cute safe space, they keep it super positive in there. But there is a section where they have all these journals and little prompts and they ask people to write.. and it made me cry a lot. Made me realize I’m so grateful to be alive and to be less ashamed and less scared than I was growing up. the world has gotten a little better… we gotta keep fighting. I said thanks to the people and cried as I left. I made sure to add to one of the journals just to acknowledge I am alive and it is good. 

From there I walked to Washington square park which was another really cool park. I sat and people watched and listened to a jazz trio for 45 minutes or something. It was the most chill part of my whole trip,,, it’s been hard to sit still there is so much to to see and do. Eventually I decided I did want to make it to the tenement museum eventually, so I meandered my way through the east village which was way cooler than the west village(so posh), and then into the lower east side for the tenement museum. I didn’t realize they had said it up as specific families for specific time periods and I kind of missed the window on the 1800s family’s from Ireland, so I did one that sounded cool. A family in the 1950s with parents who survived the holocaust and a family from Puerto Rico in the 60s who were part of the wave of people who came over and eventually became 1/10 of the population of the nyc. The museum is set up in the buildings (some of the exact apartments) as the families that lived there, and basically they have recreated the furnishings and just tell you stories about the people and from their perspective (if they left it). The families I saw are still alive, so they shared little audio/video recordings from them as well as talking about how they have come to the museum and brought their children to see where they grew up. 

It was really more interesting and moving than I thought it would be and also super weird. I kept thinking, what would it be like if they asked me to recreate one of the apartments I grew up in… it’s really no different except you realized literally multiple dozens of families have lived in these apartments since the mid 1800s or wheneve the building was built. A difference between the original and the era I saw was that the apartments were redone and expanded considerably, so like double the size of the families in the 1800s and early 1900s. But the paint jobs are terribly thick (so many layers), and the floors are all uneven, and things are slanted, and you can tell it was home… but also not the nicest home. 

They said at one point, the lower east side was the most densely populated area on the planet with 2-3k people living in each block. I asked about the demographics now… they said mostly young professionals paying 3500 a month for rent. I’ve seen some apartments in New York that were way smaller…but you also recognize this is like 100 years of built up chemicals and toxic shit. 

Oh they also mentioned a funny feature of tenement life, they had air ventilation in the middle of the building, so you might have windows that faced other peoples windows and they called them handshake neighbors or something, where literally you meet your neighbor by tapping on their window 2 feet away. Apparently it helped the kids make friends. 

After that I went north into the east village again to see if I could notice anything different about alphabet city (from rent)… on the whole the east side is rougher, more vibrant, more “urban” like more graffiti and murals and stuff. I didn’t feel unsafe or anything, just recognized it wasn’t posh. But that specific area didn’t look much different from parts of Brooklyn. 

I guess I saw more black people in that neighborhood than in others… on the whole, I’m sort of shocked that it doesn’t feel very black? I dunno how to say that, but like it feels like an international city. People from everywhere, all different races and nationalities and ethnicities and languages. So black Americans don’t stand out as being a significant portion of the population in any of the areas I’ve seen which is surprising. I did not go to Harlem and I do wonder if queens or the Bronx might be different. 

After going up there I headed south again, strolled into little Italy, was shocked how Chinatown still feels like a Chinatown. I dunno, those two neighborhoods are weird. I assume the Italians don’t live there in the same way the Chinese do. Little Italy seems like a tourist few blocks, China town seems like a place people live. Except I didn’t see any Chinese markets - maybe they are hidden. That would be the major exception and it was significant. I mean even on eat street you’ve got Asian markets. Where is all the dried fish? And other stuff?

Maybe I am just lot privy to that. Anyway… I got some amazing lo mein. Then walked down to the subway at Fulton and saw east lower manhattan which has way more life than the west side. I came back to Brooklyn and got some icecream and walked a bit to say goodbye. 

I’m kind of sad to leave. This has been an amazing trip in an amazing place. 

I commented to my friend and my mom, the  thing that is bumming me out the most is that I’m gonna miss seeing people. It’s just different here. The density of people is sooooo vibrant and amazing. You can’t go ten feet without seeing people. I know I’m gonna miss that feeling. Sure they are in the way, and annoying and all that… but it’s just the feeling of being surrounded by people on every direction. It fills you with energy. 

Mn is dead in comparison. Even at our best we got like 3% of what nyc does. It makes it clear how easy it is to call us a flyover state. If you were from here. Almost everywhere in the world has nothing on your home. I could imagine people leave from here and they are excited to get back, whereas I  am like… maybe I’ll just miss my flight accidentally. 

There is probably more to say. But when I get back and I’m hit by the wall of emptiness and quiet and the lack of vibrancy I’ll try to think about r writing down more.   NYC is amaze balls.

Quick notes.

1) Does the dryer even work? My clothes are damp like in Europe, I wonder if my friend has a setting on there to make them not get too dry or something…

2) I got really paranoid in the last 15 minutes.. the basement is kind of creep, all basements are… but it’s just like, someone could be down there and I would never know. The front door has multiple locks, but does the back? This room seems to have a fake lock. I’ve felt completely safe in New York until these last few minutes and now I keep thinking about someone being in here… creepy.

3) by day one I had already started feeling the loneliness… but it’s getting stronger every day. I’m checking in with friends, my brothers, my mom calls me daily… but it’s the thing of wanting a partner. It’s seeing so many couples and families. It’s seeing so many beautiful people and being like, I want one. Yes there is some possessiveness, it’s not entirely all love based, I’m also lusting - even with my totally exhausted by the end of the day, and mid day sweating sticky don’t touch me vibe. But definitely a feeling of, where is my love? How come everyone else gets one and I don’t kind of thing. The past time I traveled alone was the Baltic’s I think, and I remember everyday being like, why are you doing this alone?  

There is something kind of existential about it. Not just not connected, but like alone alone while completely surrounded by people. 50 thousand people in the park picnicking, holding hands at the museum, riding in the horse carriages. Where is my other half?

Seeing so much can feel amazing and beautiful and eye opening, but can also make you question what you’re doing here on earth if you don’t have anyone to share it. 

Day 4

 I know I skipped a day. 

Which order should I go in?

Yesterday -realizing I’d walked too much the day before, I decided to take it easier. I got up and took the subway to the south end of manhattan and then got on a boat for liberty island, and then another to Ellis island, and then back to the battery. 

The Statue of Liberty is cool and all, but mostly just for pictures. The audio guide was kind of an annoying. The view of manhattan and Brooklyn and the whole surrounding area was great, even from the ground level(I did not pay to go up). Ellis island was more moving. Thinking of the experience of all the millions who have come here seeking a better life, escaping war/famine/crises of all kinds and looking for opportunity… I guess I had never realized that the only people who went to Ellis island were the ones in steerage class. The 1st and 2nd class passengers had a doctor and someone come on board and then they were let off to New York.  The island had hospitals and a court room, all the various ways they tried to keep people away or help them move forward. I liked the theme… of immigrants built this country, I dislike that we are still discriminating. 

The whole trip took about 3-4 hours with wait times and what not. The boat rides only took 10-20 minutes but waiting in line, getting on and off.. the whole time I barely heard any English. Italian, Spanish, a bunch of east Europe and Asian languages… very little English. 

After getting back to the main land, I walked up from the battery on broadway where everyone was posing with the bull (not on Wall Street which is interesting). I walked around trinity church and saw the grave stones or markers of a few famous folks from Hamilton.

I then zigzagged through the lower manhattan buildings, the place where Washington was sworn in, the New York stock exchange, the banks… and all the fancy buildings that At ground level have normal stores and a lot of tourist shit, but above look crazy rich. 

I then made my way over to the 9/11 memorial. 

At first I was confused because they have a bunch of buildings called wtc or whatever, but some of them are in honor of… like there is a new looking mall. And then there is a whole new wtc, and then there are the spots where the old one is, with the reflecting waterfall pools, and the building where you still see some of the old structure underground. 

From the moment I got there I was crying. I don’t know it’s just the thought of so many people dying all at once is so horrifying still. Plus watching it for weeks, up all night, knowing that everything might change. I have been feeling that trauma for a long time, and I cried my eyes out… I hope that some of it can just go now. But in some ways it was all brought back.

At the waterfall pools they have all the names. Inside, when I was buying a ticket I started crying and the girl gave me tissues. She was like, I can tell you’re gonna need these. (They have more at specific spots throughout). 

Robert deniro does the audio for one part of the guide. A journalist does it for the other. Scattered throughout the audio they have people sharing their stories -mostly of afterwards. The museum exhibits share the story of that day really well (all 4 planes etc). It’s really really hard At certain sections. 

From the beginning they do try to paint it as a thing that has been overcome, but it’s a good balance. The first exhibit is this “slab wall” where you realize it could have been even worse. Apparently part of the wtc complex that made it such a big deal was that they had dug our huge amounts of the earth and reinforced it so that the river didn’t come in and crumble everything. They say if the wall had failed the river would have swept through the subway and maybe under the whole city…. I dunno scary.

Another early part is that they show you this staircase that was the exit to one of the streets and later you find out more,  but basically people used it in the nick of time and got out alive before the whole building fell. And you can see the damaged steps. 

In general the museum kind of shares the aftermath a little, and then you go into the story of the day… minute by minute at times. The first tower, the confusion, the second tower, the alarm going up, the pentagon(which you never heard much about), and the 4th plane that went down in the field. You hear about the emergency responders and the efforts they made to get people out. You hear voice recordings from the passengers on the planes, the people in the buildings, and of all the people calling folks knowing they were either on a plane or in the building and the increased concern throughout the day. 

The pentagon section was really eye opening because you never really heard about it. But you hear from people who were there and just how bewildering it was, and torturous. I dunno. In some ways I didn’t have as much empathy for them, but at the same time hearing them talk about how scared, confused, in shock they were made it more real than the conspiracies. 

The 4th plane folks, they basically have not only transcripts from inside the cockpit but also tons of voice calls the passengers made. It’s just sad. 

The part that killed me was the piece about people losing hope and jumping. There are tons of pictures and videos, and it’s just horrifying. I know some of those people did what they felt was the empowering thing to do. But so many just couldn’t stand the heat and the smoke. And they must have been soooo terrified. I just started bawling at that point. A lady rubbed my arm, as I walked away. It was totally unbearable… like I’m still so upset. 

And people on the ground talked about it that way too. Like they couldn’t look away even though it was devastating to watch because they felt like they had to honor them. 

There are a bunch of parts about the firefighters and police and stuff. And you know they  are playing it in their recordings,  but at the same time you can tell they’re falling apart because all of their friends are dying around them. It was hard to hear in the crowd with all the audios and what not… but apparently all the emergency personnel were wearing these audio things that set off an alarm if they don’t move for 30 seconds. And they talked about how after the buildings fell suddenly hundreds of these alarms went off all at once and it was just awful for everyone because not only was the ash and smoke and heat everywhere but there was these alarms and all the emergency people knew what it meant. Hundreds of them. 

The dispatch people too… they just sounded so like wtf??? Knowing they were sending th largest amount of first responders ever into this burning building (like every body for miles). 

And then also they had to evacuate the whole south part of the island, which is exactly what I’d been walking around. 

I dunno it was crazy. 

Anyway… the museum ends on this sort of - we were all there for each other and ready to get the bad guys thing. And it’s kind of a horrible realization.. because the whole world really was on our side. We could have done incredible things… and we squandered it for wars.

After that I decided to walk back… which was too much, but I wanted to walk the Brooklyn bridge once at least and I figured the next few days I’d probably be going further north. So I did that after taking a few pictures of other things. I got back and was totally dead. 

I took it easier this morning… woke up slowly. Then spent an hour on the subway heading to the top of manhattan for the Cloisters which is a bizarre little mishmash of Europe (and some random stuff from the americas). It’s beautiful and also weird. I walked along the park and read about some of the battles in the revolutionary war that took place near by. Then made my way to Central Park via subway. Basically skipper like 85 blocks or something including the rest of Washington heights and Harlem… so. I walked through the north end of the park and made it to the museum of the city of NY. Which was ok. Fairly simply, a little propaganda but basically telling the story of the city.  One of my fav exhibits was a video that showed where the historic sites are today - and was stands there now - and like I had already realized, so much of it is just built over. No marker or nothing. But I had been to a bunch of the spots - so that felt cool. 

After that I got lunch and continued south along 5th Ave… eventually made my way to the Met which was gigantic and way too much and I was discombobulated and tired by that point. I forgot I was partially going to the met to see the Dali paintings, but I saw a bunch of others that are famous and when you see a famous painting in real life you go “oh, yeah that’s what it looks like.” Washington crossing the deleware, Van Gogh, Monet, Picasso, they look exactly like you’d think. 

The museum was like 10x version of the Brooklyn one and they must have had some of the same contributors, it reminded me of the louvre. They had a fucking Egyptian temple, they had what appeared to be all the components of a cathedral but spread out and on display, they had tons of gold from the muisca, and masks from Benin and Songhai and all sorts of stuff. I basically skipped the Asian section, I wanted to skip some of the Europe but see all those famous people above. It was so much that you don’t stop to look except at the thing that really really catches your eye.  

When I got done there, I was still exhausted.. but I walked down through Central Park and took some pictures. Then got on the subway back. Grabbed some pizza and now I’m doing laundry and hopin g to go to bed early. 

Tomorrow MOMA, a broadway show (I might have been ripped off), a bunch of tourist spots… I’m hoping to wake up early to have enough time to enjoy things. I think the museum opens at like 9:30? I should double check. If I could get there as it opens, I’d feel really good about my day. 

Day 2

 What I wrote to a friend:

So my friends place is in Gowanus neighborhood, which is kind of a gentrifying area, surrounded by super diverse commercial streets, like central Ave times 10. So I walked a few streets after getting a bagel breakfast sandwich and made my way to prospect park, which is a gigantic park (brooklyns Central Park) and checked out the trails. It’s got large fields, picnic areas, some historic spots, a forest, next to some botanical gardens and I think a zoo? I dunno it’s massive. I think I walked about half way through in an hour and a half, then went to the Brooklyn museum. Saw some ancient Egyptian, Assyrian, and east and south Asian artifacts/art/religious stuff, and a bunch of other art.  The Tibetan shrine, and the Egyptian papyrus copies of the book of the dead were both pretty awe inspiring. Also just some of these things are like 3000 to 5000 years old. One of the most interesting long time exhibits they have is called the dinner party, by Judy Chicago. It’s a large piece in which she honors women throughout history with dinner plate designed with “vulvar” themes and intricately designed runner place mats. Even though it sounds kind of ridiculous, it was actually really moving. There were a number of really beautiful artworks. 

Ate a chicken gyro from a truck at lunch, then walked zig zagging through streets that looked interesting up to Williamsburg. Along the way walked through one of the large Hasidic neighborhoods which is a trip.  Williamsburg is like a newish hipster spot, with some cool shops and art and what not. Went down to the east river and chilled for a bit staring at manhattan. Then walked to an area they call Dumbo, briefly stopping at an outdoor dance party - which if it wasn’t so fucking not - and maybe I had some drugs , I would have stayed all night.  At dumbo, I also chilled for a bit by the river, saw some art, some stores, people watched. Then walked back through the downtown area to my friends place - getting some teriyaki chicken on the way.

I’m sure there is more but I’m beat. I think I walked like 15-20 miles today in the heat. I’m worried I’m chafing in all the wrong places, and probably sun burned. 

Tomorrow Manhattan - probably for the next few days. One of the cats came out to play. The other is still missing. Talked to my mom and a few friends. I dunno. Still lonely, but also not. If the skin needs to heal. I can hobble around a museum or sit for a play, or go on a cruise around the harbor. 

Saw some people on jet skis it did not look fun. It looked like panic with the size of the waves.