mental health

I've been feeling kind of stuck lately. Overwhelmed by my future... and overdwelling on my present.  Lists of things that need to be done... or else... nothing. Nothing is wrong. But I keep feeling like a failure, like I can't get ahead. 

I had therapy today and I shared that I feel like there is this tension in which I feel like I need a big change (and maybe one is coming) vs I am spending my days keeping up, doing my to do list, chipping away at little tasks, slow improvements... and trying not to judge myself because inevitably I often feel like I am falling behind or not doing enough.  When I look at those thoughts more objectively, I noticed that there is no real impact of falling behind or not completing my list... because I was the one who made the list and nothing is wrong. 

I gave the example of last night when I went to bed early, but didn't feel like I had accomplished everything. Woke up in the middle of the night, still didn't feel accomplished. Felt kind of sleepy and behind in the morning... but nothing was wrong, I just felt dissatisfied. 

I also gave the example of walking by the river last week and feeling like "if something doesn't change..." 

My therapist asked me what I hoped would change... I said relationships, family, direction, a feeling that I was working towards something not just keeping up. 

I shared about my experience at PRIDE, feeling grateful and in awe of the crowd, but also so averse to socializing. I shared how I was connecting with folks, but that I felt scared, awkward, etc... not trusting when it came to investing in groups or people.  And at the same time so lonely, and needy.

My therapist kind of asked me like... is this because of E?   Like is this just the continuation of the grief, having invested so much and assuming that was the future you were building, and then it not working out.  I think that is the story of all my relationships, but I agreed... its been harder since. 

But maybe it was already getting harder... why didn't I reconnect with my college friends after south america?  Why don't I go check out this monthly brunch SLP folks do?  Why don't I feel like I can connect, or sit with discomfort, or do anything without playing a role?

As we were chatting, I started to feel younger and younger.  There was some element of my fighting with my Dad right now. There were elements of grief with E. There was this overarching anxiety about not fitting in. I felt like I was 5 showing up to kindergarten or maybe younger showing up to preschool. Felt like little Mike is afraid that no one cares, no one will notice him, no one wants him unless he can do something for them, and it's so painful. It's painful internally. It's painful to watch others. (I gave examples of the social groups I saw forming at PRIDE, and feeling so averse to the awkward/cringe). 

But also from that place where little Mike is... the external doesn't feel dependable or safe. It feels like I have to compete. It feels like no one understands or cares. And like I can't trust that anyone will lead me through it. I have to perform, have to keep up, have to or its sooooo uncomfortable. 

And adult Mike is sick of performing... burnt out. Exhausted. I do it for work, that's a role. I don't really want to perform when I am out in the world...  but I don't know how not to. I feel like I am always so anxious. 

 

Part of what changed significantly after E and I broke up, is that I started to feel less legitimate again in the world.... no kids... no family... no partner.  Like a little kid again  or worse, like a threat to people. Single unhappy guy... that's not good. 

Anyway... as I was in therapy I was noticing these younger parts, this fear, etc... and I got really self conscious, and this teenager part of me arrived to call me out and judge me... I noticed it most strongly in this fear of being judged by my therapist... is she gonna think less of me?  Is she gonna think I am a bad therapist?  Am I a bad therapist?  What if I am doing it all wrong, and hurting people?   What if I am a hypocrite?   It felt like Holden Caulfield stuff, "you fake, you phony." 

It was hard to just sit with these parts... with the younger part that feels afraid that I am unlovable, not good enough.  And this older part that wants to judge (which I understand is protective)... I found myself wanting to intellectualize rather than just sit with or attend to these parts. Found myself wanting to give the play by play of what was happening internally, to fly above it and conduct. To regain the sense of control... of "I know what's going on, even if my eyes are watering."    And it was difficult because all of that is happening in front of someone. Someone I shouldn't be trying to impress but of course I am... 

That intellectualizing part was soooo hard to not let take over.  It made me kind of recognize that my 'adult self' might just be more of an intellectualizer that performs well.  My therapist noted that when I was younger I was contributing and taking on the anxiety/responsibility of my parents... and I noted I  still am... 

There are times when I feel like I am doing everything wrong...but getting praised for it. 

An example that has been uplifted lately is this idea of starting my own business. It's true, I started a practice this year. It's been successful so far, pays the bills. Slowly I am growing in my ability to take responsibility for it, to make decisions etc.  But it doesn't feel like something I am proud of... it feels like a continuation of this role that isn't really me, but is me trying to show everyone else I am capable. It kind of feels like I have conned everyone into believing I am good, when underneath, I am needy, confused... scared all the time, feel like I am treading water just fine... but not sure which direction in the ocean I am supposed to be going. Lost at sea you know?

There are plenty of times when I am not even sure I want to be a therapist. I love it... but I also feel like I am doing it to feel special/capable... and I am sick of the performance. Who am I outside of these roles? am I even a real person? 

At the end of the session, my intellectual side had to give feedback to my therapist "thank you for doing X in this session, that was helpful."   It had to summarize the take aways  "1) practice sitting with the discomfort, not jumping into a role, like with the high school brunch group... just allow my nervous system to realign. 2)Attend to little mike, his fears etc. Sit with, rather than avoid these feelings. 3) Notice this teen part that likes to judge, acknowledge it is trying to keep me safe. Ask what it is trying to keep me safe from? Go to the vulnerable stuff underneath..."   Had to summarize it so that I looked like a good student, who understands everything. Who is capable of crying and being vulnerable, and being fully present and aware at the same time. 

But I did feel more capable. 

I made lunch, did some paperwork, caught up with some insurance stuff. Felt like I had cleared my list as I walked to my office for the last 2 sessions of the day. There was hope and optimism, there was clarity in my goals for myself... a promise to take care of myself.  

And also some part of me wondering if now would be a good time to start medications... "hey, you have to sit with discomfort."  (Do I?) 

I had two sessions... they were mostly fine. Immediately after the sessions I felt anxious again. I had two new notes to do. I had not checked things off. I walked home reminding myself I had plenty of time tomorrow. It will only take 10 minutes tomorrow. That I had set it up so I would have time to journal and read tonight. That my only tasks were to make dinner, to read a little, to journal and to avoid being on my phone all night.

I was kind of shocked by how quick the anxiety set in again. It felt like OCD style anxiety, like I couldn't unlock being present because I had things hanging over me. I knew what I wanted to focus on, and I knew that I was capable of doing what I needed (I had felt free and capable just a few hours before)... but now I was screaming internally with anxiety again. 

I wanted to spend time with little Mike. Sit with all these unprocessed feelings.  But I felt like I was behind again. I felt anxious till I ate dinner an hour later. Then felt so full that I ended up taking a nap when I sat down to read around 7.   I woke up to the sun setting. 

There is an element of this that feels like when I am traveling alone. A list of things. Can't forget anything. Times and places, prices, options, decisions. Safety is on the line. Everything you need is on your person. Recognizing and being in control of everything because nothing is promised and you are on your own. 

Reinforced when I have traveled with other people and assumed they knew the way, and then you are lost and they are crabby and worried, and it would have been better if you'd paid attention and not trusted others. Now you have to manage their feelings, and your own. Now you have to get yourself out of a situation that you didn't know you needed to prepare for. Now you have to take charge.

So hyperindependent even when I am with others... have to take charge, have to be in the know, have to have control. Can't trust...

My last client of the day (this might have actually been where my anxiety started), had mentioned that his wife was coming off medications and really activated and that it was hard. She was reducing medication so that they could start a family, it wasn't going well.  (Sounds familiar eh?)

He also mentioned that his wife, when super anxious, asks him "So whats the plan?" which was a question that E used to feel triggered by. He mentioned that when she asks, it feels like he has to be in charge and fix things that he didn't know he was responsible for -like he was being judged AND depended on, and hes already feeling stretched thin.   I asked, would it be different if she asked you "whats the next step?"  And he said yes.    

 As I was walking home, full of my anxiety that I had to talk myself down from... I was also thinking about how controlling and judgy I am in relationships. How I can't accept what is, or  appreciate the person in front of me... how my desire to have a list and know everything, and have everything feel ok, causes the other person to not feel ok.  I walked home thinking Yes, there were things that E wasn't taking responsibility for... but I didn't make it any easier with all my controlling needs.

I dunno. I guess I just felt really sad for her, for me, for us. 

Maybe it doesn't help that the therapist brought up the miscarriage and my client was preparing/struggling in a similar situation...

-As I am writing this... feelings are coming up. Part of me wants to intellectualize them. 

I am really sad for myself when I write about wanting to travel with others, but feeling I have to take responsibility and can't be present, and can't trust. Maybe use the small emotion words.

I am really sad for myself with E, and the belief that I had something that was going to last, was preparing for it, but didn't feel supported/didn't feel soothed or secure enough... and so got even more controlling... made her feel like not enough. 

And also just sad, that we couldn't make it work. That I can't seem to make it work with anyone. 

And I am mad too. 

Mad that I feel so alone, and feel like it's my fault, but also feel like people who cared about me failed in doing their part. Mad that I know what I need to do differently, but don't feel capable of doing it... because I am exhausted from keeping myself and others up. Because I won't be soothed or affirmed in doing it... because there is a mismatch between what others see and what I experience, and I don't know how to communicate what is on the inside. 

I am scared that I won't change. That I will continue to feel like this. That I won't be able to make the changes, or ever feel secure. That I wont be able to share vulnerably and be heard, or understood. That it will reinforce the feelings of being not worthy, of being judged, or of feeling discarded.

I am kind of disgusted with these feelings, these fears, this vulnerability. Like... it makes me so weak. Makes me so pitiful, needy. gross. Its hard not to judge. Its easy to see why others would judge it. 

Shame again... 

These emotions/thoughts are temporary visitors... they can't harm me. They are here to offer information, they don't inherently mean anything about me... just recognition of unmet needs, that I can offer myself, and also ask for...  They wont last forever. 

I hope. 

End of June

 

Not sure if I'll leave the apartment today. Maybe go downstairs and do some work or writing. 

Not feeling particularly creative. Last night I was struggling because I was bored but didn't want to start a new tv series, or watch a movie, or read a new book. So I went to bed early and then woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep right away. 

So I woke up like midday today feeling like I'd already given up today.

Its now about 2pm. Cut up some watermelon and put some ribs in the oven... Maybe have dinner with a friend tonight. Its supposed to be in the 90s this week. 

Yesterday was interesting. I went to PRIDE at Powderhorn instead or loring. Lots of young folks, lots of gender fluid/trans folks. It was a beautiful celebration without all the corporations and 'legitimacy' of the establishment. I sat by myself for over an hour just staring at the crowd and grooving to music. I didn't need to buy anything from the small vendors, didn't want to interact with the non-profits. Saw a bunch of people I knew and didn't say hi. Didn't wave them over. 

Eventually met up with a friend who was meeting other friends there. I hung out in their group for an hour or so, but didn't particularly feel like getting to know them better. I felt a-social? while also being happy to be around people. Something odd about my introversion... I guess its getting so much more intense. Maybe it was because I wasn't necessarily attracted to any of them?   There were a few interesting folks who might have had similar interests or professions... but I also felt like people have become less intriguing to me. Something about having such intense understanding of folks due to therapy... maybe the recognition that I probably wouldn't connect with any of these folks again... it felt almost like meeting people at a hostel now. Like "Hi, oh yeah... not interested."  What is wrong with me? Why is it I can sit and pray and send good vibes to folks for over an hour... but have no desire to meet with them... And how is any of this gonna change?

I was contrasting this experience a little bit with getting to know folks in my office... there, its not like I want to become best friends with all of them, but I am more interested. Maybe the promise of seeing them again? or the perks of networking?  I look forward to interactions with a few of them. But I can't just have therapist friends, can I?

What do you do when you love and admire humanity, but don't really like people anymore?

I weigh this with the consideration of how I am not in any groups right now, and I know something is missing from my life... or maybe multiple things. Partnership, family, group community. 

You'd think being around a bunch of folks at PRIDE would give me a sense of connection, but really I felt old, not particularly included, not particularly invested in the things that THEY were doing. 

Maybe I am waiting for some extravert to pluck me up. Maybe I need a hit of some MDMA... as was suggested recently. 

I just found it interesting. I think I am definitely at the place where I want a partner to enjoy life with, but don't necessarily feel all that invested in group dynamics. It actually made me really uncomfortable to be around some of the groups I saw.  I saw at least two groups (other than the friends, of friends of friend).  One was clearly like a group that had formed on the internet and were meeting in person for the first time and were doing an activity together (scavenger hunt?). Another was a group that had at least 2 polycules, and the vying for position and attention made me really uncomfortable. Perhaps it was also just the recognition of sooooo much awkward neurodiversity energy. Like all the folks who were left out came together  (and I love that)... would want that for some folks I care about...  but I have no desire to be vying for position or attention. 

That was another element I noticed. I don't dress up anymore. I don't wear a freak flag... Im not huge on fashion as expression. I was rocking the same clothes I'd wear to work.  And just enjoying what others were expressing... dancing when I wanted to dance. Smiling when I wanted to smile. Weaving through the crowd feeling invisible... liking that I was invisible.    Sure... there are dreams of being plucked, but I didn't necessarily want attention, didn't want awkward social interaction, nervousness. 

Where does any of this leave me?    Part of me wants to judge myself, say there is something wrong. Another part admires that I have changed. That maybe I am less needy despite feeling needy in one area. I don't really need to impress anyone. Don't need to stand out. Don't need to lead a group. Don't need to be the center of attention.   I've been going to open mics and just enjoying others. I think about performing, and will at some point, but I am not entirely sure that it matters. I like seeing the repeated faces. I like witnessing. 

And then again, nothing has really changed. I've always weaved through crowds. I've always people watched when I didn't have a role. Nothing was different from 12 or 16 or 18 than yesterday... except that I would have felt like I should try to be part of something. Equally as lonely if I try, and when I don't?   Maybe I'm just more comfortable letting myself be myself. 

When my friend and her friends arrived, I found myself feeling more effeminate, often the case when I am around queer folks. My friend commented that I looked the most straight I have ever looked. And I agreed, so few extensions, so few edges, so plain. 

My tarot cards today were the Emperor and the Empress... and in some circles that means union of divine masc and fem in one body... or partnership.  I am not sure I will even leave the apartment. So maybe I am just accepting myself today.

 And I can't tell you, how many ways that I've sat and viewed my life today, but I can tell you, I don't think that I can find an easier way... So if I see you, walking hand and hand and hand with a three armed man. You know I'll understand. But you should have been in my shoes yesterday..."

Today I did some journaling over at the Loon Coffee Shop on the river and lake street. 

Then went for a walk along the river -or rather the streets on the cliffs above the river. 

It might have been the heat, or the low blood sugar, but I felt sooooo lonely and pitiful. 

Just like... why even try you know?  I think its hard sometimes when I finish out a week of seeing 25 people, listening to their stories, heartaches and excitation, numbness, and fear... and me dragging them along or prompting, or holding space, or cheer leading... and trying to be present for each and every one... and then walking away and wondering what the fuck I am gonna do with my life and not really being all that excited because I don't know where my life is going, and although I love my friends... not really feeling like they are the partners I want to share my life with in the quiet moments you know? 

So I sit at a coffee shop by myself. Then go for a walk by myself. Then eat dinner and see a movie by myself... and I can hear all the cheerleading I've done all week bouncing off my skull saying if you're lonely you need to try new things, or do stuff, or meet different people or take risks... and I think of all the places I've been in the world, the classes, the events, the hostels, the parkbenches, the pews, the groups, the parties and blah blah blah... and I am like... haven't I done shit? Haven't I met people? Haven't I tried?   What does it mean to try differently than the ways that already align so well with my life?

A friend asked me to go to this singles event where you clean out invasive plants out of the very parks I was walking by... and I considered it... but thats not really my jam. But neither is a singles event... so maybe? but then... no. I don't actually care about native or invasive species like my friend does. I care about people. 

I might go to PRIDE tomorrow at Powderhorn, maybe run into some folks there...

But anyway. I can't say that I didn't stop at the bridge and wonder at what point I'll take a swim. I mean... I left teaching in part because I knew it would lead to a lifetime of feeling isolated and burned out.  Now I find myself isolated again and maybe headed towards burnout. 

What am I doing this for?    

I ask G-d a lot... I don't get much response.    

I am not sure why I am on here complaining... maybe just trying to acknowledge that I feel sad and pitiful today. Its weird. Yesterday morning, this morning... did not feel pitiful. Felt really optimistic and grateful. Moods shift soooo easily.   

I think I am just recognizing I am ready for the next thing.  Part of this was sparked by getting tarot cards like the tower, and the devil, and the three of swords, and death... wondering what calamity is coming that will shift me into the next phase. Cuz I feel like I have been keeping it together by myself for awhile... and this hyper-independent shit is kind of played out. Just fumes... 

Its 9pm and I dont know what else to do but jump on social media and distract myself. I already saw a movie. I am not in the mood to read. I don't really have any games I want to play. I don't feel creative enough to write... 

meh. 9pm and I am ready for bed, but I drank so much caffeine today. I guess we shall see. 

Hopefully sat and sun go better. 

The weekend...

Saturday June 20^th

Loon Coffee shop 11AM-ish

 

I had my usual afternoon off yesterday, but went home. My friend had rescheduled dinner. The bank wasn’t open and I had no need to run errands or go do something other than my own initiative. So I didn’t. My plans slowly retreated as the afternoon went on. Scrolling led to a nap. I awoke to a summer storm around 7 pm that made me reconsider going out for dinner. I watched the news while baking stuff in the oven. I decided after dinner that I’d go downstairs and finish a book. I got some coffee that I later spilled everywhere.

I did finish the book, but not downstairs. There were too many distractions. Too many voices echoing annoyingly off the hallways. People were waiting on deliveries. People were getting in ubers. People were on the phone near the mailboxes. I went back upstairs and read on the couch, feeling somewhat sorry for myself.

The last few chapters of the book (Foundation and Empire) felt like ‘tell’ through dialogue. Like the author was sick of the book and wanted it to end so he could start on his next idea. A lot of the foundation books feel like that. Entire chapters feel like ‘tell’ chapters, and then others feel like show. I often feel like he was able to get away with more because it was written so long ago. For instance, in that last chapter it is really clear there are huge gender distinctions in some of the cultures, but it feels like it catches you off guard. Like he was suddenly like “oh yeah, and gender exists!” Race doesn’t  really.  The last part of that book is supposed to be a big reveal, but it felt anticlimactic -again, maybe it was… let me finish this so I can get to the next book -the second foundation!

After the book, I turned to the show, starting season 3. They are very different. Major themes of the show don’t match up at all with the books. For instance, the books really highlight how decay and decline are the major reasons for the change. Bureaucracy, stagnancy, complacence, etc. But in the show, the empire keeps improving, keeps trying and they seem to have few restraints. They don’t struggle with taxation and budgeting. They spend a fortune, then spend another fortune and we don’t see how that spending has led to them cutting back in other areas. They can’t keep up with the Foundation’s technology, but they keep improving and adapting to technology issues. And though the books do rely heavily on individual outliers that impact things, they also highlight that it was not one special individual but the inevitable outcome. Whereas the show highlights individual characteristics, heroes and antiheroes. In the books, the emperor keeps changing and new dynasties rise and fall. But in the show the stagnancy is solidified in the triumvirate cleonic dynasty (Clones of the same individual at three different ages), all puppeted by their behind-the-scenes governess. In the books, that governor character serves a term and leaves recognizing that his impacts might cause further stagnancy even if they bring about stability. So fundamentally different themes… but at the same time, the show is really good. It takes some of the characters and adds depth, adds charisma, makes them human and not just pawns entering and being dismissed easily in a book to discuss ideas.

I think if these books were written today, they’d be considered poor writing. But the show updates these ideas, these characters and brings them into the future that we project now. It can drag sometimes… and the multiple perspectives can get annoying (characters that are in different times and very different places), but it also adds depth and complexity to the galaxy they supposedly live in. There are all these little things that are added to make the planets and cultures seem interesting.  But its also funny how some of these little moments of chaos don’t seem to have big stakes because you know the character will be significant for a while. EG we know she isn’t really gonna drown. We know who will win this fight. And if a character dies, we know which ones will be brought back. -Its funny with science fiction epics that way -like the larger story dictates the relevance of little scenes, but without little action scenes it becomes all tell.

Game of Thrones threw that off by killing characters that you started to get attached to. Ned Start is beheaded, Daenerys’s brother is given a golden crown, her husband is killed, the Red Wedding, Joffrey… throughout the story heroes and villains are picked off. Keeps you on your toes.  In the Foundation book series, several important characters die, but it also feels like the passing of time kills them more often than something unexpected. In the show, Empire kills many people, but most of them feel like they were there for a plot point and then removed -and it is very effective, but not necessarily high stakes. Noble deaths. Or Pivotal deaths. Not pointless, random, chaotic, danger.

Makes me wonder what I will do in my books.

Many of my characters deaths are more to serve the plot points. Many are not even mentioned fully or explored fully. What does it mean to Lucy that her mom and dad die? That her brother almost dies? That she is in constant danger?  It means retreating into herself, into a pile of blankets, into myths.  Jaime dies, but it of natural causes. His death brings people together, and sends Erik forward. Maria dies as a device to show Jimena’s chaos. Esteban, Esfegione, the shell folks die to move the plot forward. Cutting losses/ starting wars, a crisis to escalate. 

But anyway…

Tomorrow is Father’s Day, and I woke up angry, feeling like I have nothing to offer to them. Feeling like I am still hurt and angry about it all. Playing out stories in my head of being wronged, when the truth is they didn’t do anything, except reveal what had been there -and what I had decided to avoid looking at for a long time. I wonder now what will happen to my relationships with them. For awhile it felt like the anger was subsiding, and then this week the FBI charged 15 minnesotans with crimes for standing up for their neighbors. These aren’t terrorists, even the ones who threatened violence, did no violence.

How many police were injured?  A question that was asked numerous times at the press conference and never answered. Zero.

How many violations of the law did la migra have?  Hundreds? Thousands?   Is it ok to resist unlawful actions that can have life changing impacts? Or does the authority get a free pass to break the law, violate and harm, at any cost. They will be really interesting court battles.

I am mad. I am mad because the people who dragged me to church don’t abide by the morals of the church. Because they won’t take responsibility, and continue to support people who are doing evil/harm to my community. That despite the obvious obvious obvious impacts, they remain silent, ‘both sides,’ even condemning folks for fighting back when those people fighting back are doing so at the costs of their lives and for the benefit of all.

I don’t want to play nice. I want to go to a protest. But cant seem to find any until next weekend.

SO instead today, I am writing… and then hanging with friends, maybe a walk or coffee with one, dinner with another.

Spanish. Maybe my shows. Some laundry.  Groceries tomorrow. More of the same.

A busy start of the week (I am overbooked on Monday).

There is a woman here who keeps looking like A to me. I don’t know why. She doesn’t actually look like her, but the style/fashion.

I am lonely. Don’t know how to create the life I want. Making attempts. Not sure what they will lead to.

My friend just cancelled on a walk, so now I am thinking I better get a river walk in before 2:30. How to use my time?  Maybe its time now, and then I stop home to switch laundry… less accomplished than I hoped to be today.

 

 

Sunday, Father's Day

I have this song stuck in my head, it feels fitting even though it's about alcohol, I feel like I am resonating with the poison aspect, the idea of knowing something is forever troubling, seeping through things, maligning them...

I woke up feeling that way yesterday and again today. On some level, my self-assurance feels right. I don't really want to celebrate my father today. The idea of focusing on myself and preparing for the week feels a lot more important and centering. But I keep falling into this desire to justify it. Today justify people questioning. Even though I everyone I talk to understands, I guess on some level I don't understand. I feel misaligned in setting boundaries for myself that feel good. I feel like I am doing something wrong.   

So I find myself arguing in my head on and off. Some of it is political justification -eg. how can you defend the actions of people who are hurting us? Some of it is emotional.  Like... why should I go celebrate when I don't feel safe with people?  Why should I give love and respect when I feel disrespected?   The arguments play out, resolve, then play out again. I remember doing this with past exes, wondering why I should make up for feelings of hurt, desperate to make things work with people who weren't desperate to make things work.  I find myself having that same question now, Jonah, how much does the whale miss you?   It comes up in the stories in my head, where my imaginary Dad is feeling disappointed or hurt and wants to know why I am not there... and does some soul searching and realizes he is wrong. Or my brothers and stepsister reach out, and I remind them that it's our dad who they should be trying to convince... rather than doing his work for him. 

 But why do I wake up so angry? What justifies my anger? I was starting to let it go... and then the government attacked us again... charges for another 15 people who didn't do anything but try to protect their neighbors. Who was harmed? Who is still being harmed? 

My shoulders are forward, I am stressed and angry. What does it accomplish?

Some part of me wondered if maybe I need to separate from the relationships I have with my parents, where they are close, because maybe that interferes with me having a romantic relationship?  I am not sure how. But the idea gave some meaning behind why this happens... but the reality is, it just happens. My parents are of a different generation, have a different perspective, have their own issues... and they are who they are... but how they respond to my pain impacts me... that just makes sense. 

My Father once told me, "you'll have to learn to forgive me."  As if I hadn't been trying... and my young mind could only come up with the solution of -downplay your own hurt so that you can keep the relationship.  I don't want to do that anymore. 

Yesterday wasn't the most accomplished day in the world...  but I went for a walk, I met up with two friends, reestablishing a friendship with one after years, and reconnecting with one who I see weekly. I watched my show. I did some laundry. 

Today I am doing a lot of chores/errands, and a little bit of work. I would love to say I made progress on my writing... but I mostly journaled... and that's ok. The next few weekends there will be protests. Maybe Tuesday an event at my apartment? Monday and Tuesday are really busy at work (like 7 things each day), so I don't really know. Maybe people will cancel but as of now I have 25 appointments on my calendar plus a meet and greet with another clinician. Thursday is the lightest day with only 3 so far. 

My bank isn't exactly hurting, but I'd like to make sure I can keep up, and maybe save up for these trips. NYC is already booked for August. Mexico city with my mom in March/April/Feb?  Not sure when. Lots of factors.

My Mom shared yesterday that she has some troubling symptoms and they are checking her out. So far all the scans/MRIs/blood work are coming back that she is in good shape, but they haven't found the why yet. Its scary to me. She says she has made peace with it. She is getting knee surgery mid July... will need some help. 

Her health issues also have me questioning my decisions... but again, its like... I've been very open about where I am at. And my Dad has been clear about where he is at. So... more like natural consequences right?  

How am I moving forward?   Investing a lot in work at the beginning of the week. Going to a few events. Trying to live out my values. Doing self care. Connecting with a friend or two a week. Investing in my hobbies.  

Miss having a partner.   Still wondering if I will ever have children.     Not sure how to feel about my faith or politics lately... but doing my best I guess.    

I noticed I am less invested in tarot videos than I used to be. The repeated messages often just dont feel meaningful.   But I know I am seeking something that cuts through it all. 

Maybe I am a selfish prick?   Maybe I need to be for a while, so that I can be more honest in my life and actually be a good partner, not just a caretaker?  That seems to be my drive to improve lately. 

Saturdays alone

 

It is about 3:30pm. 

I considered waking up early but spent too much time on the internet last night.  So I woke up at about 9am, and decided to try to leave by 11.  For some reason my teeth hurt, like there was metal in my cereal or my coffee cup and my mouth felt awake and vibrating in an unnerving way. 

I made my way down to dogwood on University, past where I think M works... which always makes me think about her. I wanted to sit outside, because its in the low 70s and breezy and sunny... but the way the apartment building blocks the light, it was too cold. So I sat inside and it was too loud. I ate a brownie which wasn't very good, and drank my which was the best part of the morning. I guess is what I am saying. I read a few chapters of a science fiction book, I looked for people I thought might be attractive... lately I feel like I am seeing less and less people that I am drawn to. I am realizing how easy it is to be an old cranky bastard... and yet I am lonely. At some point, my friend texted to cancel on me. I texted another who didn't get back to me for a few hours (and we both concluded we'd probably not be going out again after running errands).  

I walked home and University felt quiet. I decided it would be good to get groceries and go to costco today instead of tomorrow -when I am planning on going to a protest. 

Costco was packed. 

For some reason, even though I went to a different one, Costco always reminds me of E. Its the brands, and our repeated orders and everything. This used to happen everytime I went to the grocery store too, since I was the one who did most of our shopping and cooking. But now, it happens less at the grocery store.  Its a weird feeling... Its super nostalgic, and in the parking lot I realized how much I missed that part of my life. It would be mean to ask her to come back into my life now that she is headed forward... but I miss her a lot lately. 

After spending too much at Costco, I decided to get Leeann Chin, and go to the grocery store where I also spent too much. I had been running out of candy, and decided to go over board. 

I have enough beverages for at least 2-3 weeks, and probably enough candy for at least a month. 

I got back... there were no carts in the package room, so now my back hurts.

I am planning on reading outside... maybe watching tv later and drinking a thc drink. 

Weekends are starting to feel like a drag... on the plus side, the lady in the office of the apartment said we are gonna have a bulletin board soon, so I am thinking book club, art club, and game night or something... I don't really want to organize everything, but I do want more events. 

I know there are plenty of people I could reach out to... but I am feeling a little sadsack. 

This whole not having a crush/not having someone I'm drawn to thing is a little irritating. Its weird to spend a day or two, a week or two, a year or two...

Not sure whats next you know?

Meh

3PMish:   Quick complaints.

I bought this qi machine online, the first one didn’t work so they sent me another. I just unboxed it. Doesn’t work. 

These two giant devices totally useless. I’m like, am I doing something wrong? Why isn’t it working?

I have a slight headache. It’s making me not want to do the thing I was gonna do today - which is writing my book. I basically didn’t do much writing this weekend even though I’d planned to. 

Last night I hung with a friend, we got icecream. I started watching the last season of the boys since I have Amazon for another few days. 

Yesterday I went to the st Anthony park art festival, nothing spectacular but it was nice to get out and about and see the larger neighborhood. 

In a half hour or so I’m gonna go to a break work workshop for the second time. We shall see, hopefully my headache clears up. 

It was a really easy week last week. This week so far I think I have about 5 a day on average… so less easy. 

Finished the courage to be disliked. Need to do some reflecting on what I think of it… still have the courage to be happy and some foundation books to read. Then maybe the series a friend recommended. 

Life is pretty much great, but I have a slight headache and don’t feel creative so I’m making it a big deal I guess and being crabby. 

Oh well. Gonna rest and then go to the thing. 

**** later in the day.

I think the worst part of waking up to a really really nice dream is that you spend the rest of the day waiting for something to feel as good, or to have a conscious parallel. 

Today has not been that. Maybe its because I ate a lot of heavy food and even icecream last night... maybe my body is like "no." Or maybe because the sun isn't out and its gonna storm. Or maybe because I slept in till 11 (hence the dream).  Maybe if all my dreams had come true, I'd still be in a meh mood.

I went to the breathing thing. The previous time I had gotten a lot out of it. This time I felt dense. I felt like an anchor at the bottom of the ocean, and I wanted to move, I wanted to squirm away. 

Everyone else had a good experience, and rather than feeling connecting and empathetic, or social... I just wanted to leave. 

I walked home feeling more disappointed and I suppose, somewhat unloved. Everything is fine... and I don't feel fine. It's odd. I do think the coming storm has a lot to do with it... my mood has been getting increasingly worse throughout the day.  I don't really want to do anything. I have no brain. My mood is sour. I feel like if the love of my life walked in, I'd probably be like "hey raincheck?" 

I don't think I'll accomplish much tonight. And this week will be busy. Maybe there is a part of me just not feeling very optimistic about the week ahead?

I dunno... I have nothing real to complain about. Probably just the gray sky. 

play with it...

I woke up this morning fiening for love... or something adjacent. It's kind of catching me off guard. What's with this loneliness, and this feeling like I can't get what I want?

I also had this urgent feeling like I am running out of time... but I remember having that feeling many times in the past (like all of my 20s and parts of my 30s)... and I remember when I was actually in relationship, that there were moments in which I felt like we had infinite time, more than enough... like it had made up for all the times of being alone... and then in each of my relationships, I also had times (usually towards the end), in which I felt alone, felt I was wasting time, even within the relationship. Its vicious. 

I wrote down a series of questions that amounted to is it behavior? belief? time? space? 

Today during a lunch break I did some FIT around it... and came to the conclusion that right now I don't have enough low stakes social interaction... Like one of the things I realized, is that I don't really have any group or community right now. I was investing a bit in church, but lately I have not felt called to that space. I have been investing in protests, and single off events... but nothing consistent.  I knew this.. and yet, I didn't really realize I had ZERO.  With the exception of family... I basically have no social gatherings. So basically I came to the same conclusion I had already known but it was emphasized.  Low stakes social interaction... could I join a book club? an art club?  a board game club? a writing circle? Something regular, so regular that I lose my social anxiety, stop trying to impress, and just show up to be me, to care and be cared for... make friends. Feel like I am part of something. 

I used to have so many of those things... and each year I have less and less.

I had hoped that my office and apartment would give me more opportunities. My friend always says I am gonna meet someone in the elevator like a meetcute. 

One of the difficulties I have realized is that my apartment looks out across the street, rather than inwards towards the social gathering places like the inner court yard. There are people using the grills, the pool, the hot tub, the lounge chairs, but I don't see them, don't interact with them unless I randomly decide to go out of my way to go out there. 

Tonight I went down there to read. There were two groups of people using the grills, and a few others hanging out in random places. Most seemed like set social gatherings -like someone had specifically invited someone over for hamburgers kind of thing. I don't even know how to use the grills. There were also a couple of people in the gym, and a couple people playing pool. 

It made me recall that when I was younger I had groups

I sat outside for a while reading a book called "The Courage to be Disliked"   and then moved into the coffee/office space to read more. 

The book is a Socratic dialogue around Adlerian philosophy and therapy. The basic premise is that we can change our minds/personality/behavior etc. any time, but we don't because we believe we are benefitting from the current circumstances  (and to believe otherwise feels uncomfortable).

EG... Mike you should join the honors class, yeah but I am lazy. 

Or Mike you should run premarriage workshops, yeah but I have imposter syndrome... so I am not confident. 

Or Mike, you should put yourself out there and meet people more often, yeah, but what if I don't like them, feel used, or get rejected. 

These are all excuses, misguided beliefs that keep me stuck... but if I decided to do something else, that would be ok too... it just might feel uncomfortable to act differently to my beliefs of self...

There are all sorts of terms in the book, but the authors/theory, would say that basically the things that happened to you, or are happening to you are not real, only the meaning you make of them, which is your choice. 

I believe in some of this stuff. I even use it. It also feels too black and white. 

But it feels like a good agitation... Mike what limiting beliefs are you following that keep you from being/doing having the life you want to live? 

I think there is both a time/space/energy aspect that acts as a barrier, and a belief that is holding me back. There is a belief that I will be disappointed. That I will invest time and energy and love, and it won't work out...  because it hasn't in the past. There is a desire to find "the right fit" rather than making things work... because I feel like I tried to make things work in the past and it hurt me. 

With M and E specifically, I kept focusing on the positives and trying to make things work, when they weren't working. Now I find myself obsessively thinking about them, wanting a fix more than an actual relationship (this is just the last few days). I feel like I am fixating on stuff because I am not sure what steps I am willing to take to move forward. 

Even the ideas I said before, a board game place?  A book club? a writers circle? An art club?  Throw in a meditation group, or a spiritual place or whatever...  but when will I actually start going?

I guess I have started to attend open mics... but I don't talk to anyone there. Its a weird group of outcasts to be honest. Maybe those are my peeps?  

At work I see all the self limiting beliefs people have, and how they get in their own way. I see myself doing it too... and its boring. 

The rest of this week is very light. Only 2 appointments tomorrow, 3 Thursday, 3 Friday. I plan on doing some writing. Maybe I need to do some research around meet ups too. I dunno. 

meh

 It’s funny how I so frequently feel I’m running out of time but also just wasting my time on social media- like by 7 o’clock. I’ve already done all the things I wanted to do today and I was laying in bed wondering how will anything ever change ?  If I’m already in bed by seven and don’t give myself any time to try new things or go out or meet new people. But who was I planning to meet on Monday night that I hadn’t met in 1000 other places?

With nothing to show

 I miss the feeling of returning home from a trip with a partner. Miss switching off at a bathroom sink. Miss cuddling. Miss kissing a neck. Miss having someone to make dinner for. Miss putting my clothes away so they’re not in the way… companionship. 

It was a lonelier weekend than I’d anticipated. I think because I was writing so much, and the character I am writing is a bit of a lover. His wife has just come home, and he is torn between his way of being in the world and his way of tending to her. 

I don’t want to be codependent, but I’d like to be part of something. 

Mostly just did chores errands and read and wrote today. Still some brainstorming I want to do. 

It was rainy and I didn’t have anywhere to go or be… so it’s been another day that will slink on by.   

I wonder if I’ll regret all these years alone. I don’t know what else id have done.  If e and i had a baby she’d be 3ish?

I am craving love.  Probably settle for lust

A day

It was mostly a good day. I accomplished what I had hoped to, minus the things put off till tomorrow like dishes, and sweeping and a hair cut. 

By 10 I was out the door, by 10:30 writing. Around 1pm I went for a walk. At 4 I went to see a strange movie. 

After the movie I started writing again. 

Made dinner.

Started writing again. 

Its nearing 10 pm, and I am losing steam for the writing in front of me... but I have learned its ok to take breaks. 

When I was going to the movie, I was hit by this wave of longing for a gf. I know it had something to do with seeing so many people out with their partners on the walk, and at the coffee shop. I know it had something to do with a desire for a date to a movie. I know it had something to do with the idea that E is probably dating that guy, and passing by the place M and I went on our first date. I know it also had something to do with the horoscope and tarot readings this morning, which seemed to promise that sometime today I should be open to meeting someone...  its a weird kind of hope... the one based on people just telling you to hope, and not repeat the same old patterns when love comes walking up. 

But even my own reading today was the Lovers, the Hierophant, the Strength card, and the two of swords. The reading told me to connect, to trust, to believe that good things were coming and I just had to open my heart to meet them. 

So I am feeling a little lonely... feeling a little yearning.  

I dunno. Tonight I could have gone downstairs and maybe met someone in the shared areas... but it seemed to feel better just writing in my own space.

What will tomorrow bring?

In my book right now I am writing about a sort of priest type guy who in the midst of a communal ecstatic experience, is made aware that he and his wife are in danger. And it is very traumatic for him, because he was blissed out, and then brought back to a reality in which is wife is furious at him, his friend is dead, another friend is lost in shame and horror, and he is trying to stay in denial, in the spiritual, but keeps being brought out of it. 

It's tricky to write, because he is in sort of a daze. But I feel like I can sort of relate in that, I feel very blessed today, but also very lonely, I guess that's what I am saying. 

Angry dreams

 I just woke up livid, can feel the anger surging through me still. Almost intentionally waking from a dream in which I was so pissed I couldn’t stay in it. 

In the dream, I was at some sort of spa thing with my dad’s side of the family and a friend of mine I’d been hanging out with came too. For some reason I had skateboarded there, but also taken my car, I dunno dreams are weird. 

It was mostly good, I was having a heart to heart with my friend… though I felt somewhat on the spot. I was determined to stay open-hearted, vulnerable. 

Then we were all in the hot tub. For some reason I was holding the baby (my step-sisters most recent who is not really a baby anymore, but still too young for a hot tub).  Everyone was having a good time, and then my dad made a joke to me - that felt snarky. I wasn’t sure what he meant entirely, but the tone was underhanded. It was something like:

“Hey yeah Mike, and every few years will conveniently white wash history with the blood of patriots, right?” 

And initially I just said “yeah” as in, I hear that this is a mixed message, that somehow you’re trying to honor the sacrifice and martyrdom, while also insinuating that it’s convenient somehow, that it’s a social compact and that he was asking me to agree… to make that compact again and just say it’s ok. 

I got more angry as I sat there, and eventually got up. I handed the baby to my sister and said I have to go. I stormed out of the spa in my swim suit, but basically without clothes. 

I was skateboarding up the street angrily (which is hard to do because you still have to balance), then realized I’d left my friend with my family in an awkward situation.

So I tried to go back, there was construction and suddenly it was more tricky to go back. 

When I got to the parking lot, they were all walking out, and my friend looked fine… so I just turned around and skated towards my car (again, not sure). 

I got “home” and was trying to distract myself on the internet… fuming still. Thinking about how my dad’s anger is what caused the fight, not mine, but wrestling with this reactivity I have… is this ptsd? 

It wasn’t initially any home i'd lived in, but eventually it became the Shelard park apartment, and I decided I’d lock myself in the bedroom. I got in there and there were three bunk beds stripped of sheets. I went to the only other furniture, a large dresser, looking for just a shirt at first - I felt vulnerable being half naked after all. But in the top drawer there were pillows, all variety (like also for couches). I grabbed a few and looked for pillow cases, realizing I had to put some of the pillows back because they didn’t have corresponding pillow cases. Eventually I got two the right fit. 

My dad entered the room. I was still fuming. Irritated more by not being able to find the thing I was looking for. He stood by the bed, and put the pillows on the top bunk.

I grabbed them and threw them on the bottom where I’d been wanting to lay down. He grabbed them again, and put them on the top, saying “are you yourself again?” Or something like that, and I said “yes.” But almost immediately I knew that wasn’t entirely true. I knew that I needed to say I was myself, but that just moments before I’d been questioning why I was soooooo reactive and wanting my dad to be compassionate and empathetic towards my trauma, but in the moment. No. You don’t get to put this on me. 

He indicated with a gesture that he was putting my pillows on the top bunk because he wanted to speak face to face -man to man kind of thing. Then he started saying 

“Your resentment…” and I stopped him “my resentment!!?”  

Rage started pushing through me, he stood between me and the door, and he wanted to blame things on me. The dream didn’t go any further - I woke up funneling all this angry energy…

I think if the dream had gone further, the argument would have been that his anger and resentment was what caused the fight, not mine, and I would have asked him to take responsibility for it. But I still wasn’t even sure what he meant in the hot tub, other than that it had that feeling of wanting me to join a pact in which I was downplaying how I actually felt/thought, in order to appease him. 

My dad doesn’t usually talk like that… sometimes when he is snarky… but it felt more like E’s dad( every time I saw him, or my step dad this last week). 

The feel of “I know better and I’m making you comply before you can think up an excuse to say no.” Once you say yes, you’ll spend your time convincing yourself it’s not that bad, rather than putting up boundaries… foot in the door method. 

I saw some video yesterday about “men who try to do their own work, but end up being manipulated easily because they are willing to question their own behavior, so they easily get lost holding space and caretaking others lack of responsibility.” Seems like that fits. 

Makes me wonder if this anger at my dad and step dad is actually anger at not just them, but all the people in my life that I let take advantage of me…? 

I’m less angry now. I have a cup of coffee in me… but this is the second or third time I’ve woken up from one of these angry dreams. I’m not sure what to do about it. My dad will be very busy this summer mowing lawns. 

If I wrap up my anger baby and treat him gently,… I hear you… you don’t want to do other people’s work for them… you don’t want to collude in systems that don’t feel good, you don’t want to play into their narrative at the expense of your own, you don’t want to be vulnerable and trapped by love that doesn’t feel loving. 

I also woke up with “a war with time” specifically the part where she sings “but I want you to go.” 

Which is odd because I haven’t listened to it much lately. Dreams are funny like that. The part that bothers me is that I have been thinking about time… and how little is left. I missed my dad’s 70th birthday and just celebrated my moms. What if… you know. 

What to make of this time... how to pursue your own path, and also celebrate and hold  onto the relationships that are important to you.

E moved yesterday, and I am pretty sure she didn't ask for any help because her new bf was with her. Moving forward.  What is my next chapter or verse?  I am gonna go to a coffee shop today to write my book. Probably get a hair cut this weekend. See another friend. Maybe go for a walk. Maybe go to church tomorrow. Not much is calling... but I want to dedicate some time to writing, make progress even if it is a little. 

The week back

I am not sure what to say about this week. 

It is Thursday and I have about 4 clients today, so not too busy. I am trying to go to the open mic tonight, not to perform but just to be present in a space with others who are doing creative work. Maybe eventually perform. It feels weird but I need to take the last hour of my day off in order to get there (and fed)  because its from 6-8, with sign up prior to 6pm. But I'd like to be around folks who are trying new things.

Each day this week I've felt a little less disappointed and jaded... but also not quite energized, motivated or creative. Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty full at work. Tuesday I had therapy and it was good to get it out... but I also started trying to reframe the situation. I've complained enough now... now what?

But it was good to have the recognition that the disappointment and feelings that I had not done enough, nor had anyone else, was reminiscent of my childhood... where is the adult who is supposed to fix this?  And that it is my work to sit with and accept that its ok. My mom is ok. My family is ok. Not perfect... not amazing... but good enough.   

My mom said she had a good time, and felt loved, had time with her favorite folks. That's kind of all that matters right?  So my feelings of 'this isn't enough, good enough, etc.' is mine to deal with. 

So yesterday I decided I should start reflecting on the prompt of "if my family is flawed but still loveable, gifted, a blessing, capable of dealing with their own stuff... then can I accept them, and also myself in the same way, not strive for perfection or something different, but deepening in appreciation, accepting, rather than depleting myself and trying to strive for something different. It's difficult... I feel torn between what could be (potential) and what is... and that might be the tension I just have to learn to love.

I am not sure what it all means yet. But I think this spring has been a major wake up of... you're not gonna get what you want from your family, you need to seek that in yourself and outside... and in the meantime, you need to accept and love people for who they are, not their potential.

I am wondering how I let go of control... of desire to have it all perfect.

One of the things that I was noticing a lot in the dynamic was how my step dad's anxiety and shame was coming out sideways into all of these yucky controlling/judgy behaviors and self centeredness. I was especially aware of it because A) I wanted the opposite during a weekend that was supposed to be celebrating my mom, but B) because I see so much of that in myself when I am struggling.  I could see perfectly how my behavior around past relationships might come out in resentment, guilting, judgy, when I felt others weren't stepping up to the table the way I hoped they would.  When I didn't feel appreciated for my contributions. It felt a little middle school -give me attention, or I'll be snarky. I guess we are all going through it... but I always wanted my family to come out on the other side of their own work. I need to remind myself that people are people... that we all have our wounds and challenges. Why do I feel I/we should be exceptions?

I don't know what this means for my Dad and step mom... its still hard to sit with the fact that they basically throw their hands up and say 'yeah nazis are ok as long as they dont hurt me.'

I am not sure if it is the larger picture, or the direct feeling that they hurt me by being this way. You don't believe me. 

They are comfortable moving forward without resolution. Am I?

Maybe I need to drift into some Buddhism or Tao to make it through this era of life.

Not sure what else to say. 

The nights have not been productive, but I have been maintaining. It's been weird to be home alone after time in community. The push pull of attachment. I don't really want to see anyone, and yet I also feel an emptiness. 

I've exercised a small amount, kept up with spanish, made dinner for myself... but I have a handful of things I've been meaning to do and haven't. 

This weekend I am hoping to do some writing on the book... some progress is better than no progress for years. 

Probably also see a friend or two.

Dissatisfied

 Up north for mom’s birthday. Feeling dissatisfied. 

It’s been a wake up call to the dysfunction of our family. 

A year ago she asked us to put it on the calendar, maybe that was too much time, maybe it was just that everyone assumed because she asked for a weekend up north, that was the gift. You know? But she gave us gas money and a year notice. So what did we do? We came up, but without much of a plan, no real gifts or birthday cake or nothing. I bought her something she asked for. Brothers wrote a nice card and said they’d get her car detailed. We wrote out 70+ notes all last minute to say thank you, or memories, or something we appreciated about her. It was a nice gesture, but it was all very last minute. So last minute that members of the family were still making/writing them while she waited on the couch wondering what we were doing. It all worked out…

But I felt like we didn’t do enough. My brothers were all able to share really specific funny memories, my mind doesn’t work that way. It’s all themes and meanings, and the general overview. I don’t recall specific little stories that well. But the pages were good. Lots of art. Lots of nice things. 

My step family was kind of the issue… step brothers unclear on what was happening and what was expected of them, and even then somewhat reluctant? Not really engaged until it became obviously they should be. 

Step dad, barely had any input. Like honestly zero. Every story this weekend had to include his thoughts or his input. Frequently he jumped in to share something going on with his work. It felt odd. And he was crabby part of the time, a lot of it because he wasn’t even sure if his kids were gonna show up. And it was unclear if it was about them, or him, or my mom… like who is causing the distress and poor communication here? 

And the. Privately I heard his complaints about how much it costs to put the kids in a hotel etc… and it felt like it was burdening him, rather than him trying to go out of his way to make my mom happy.  I dunno… I guess what I’m saying is his narcissism is worse than I remember. 

No card or gift in front of the rest of us. No cake or candles… I dunno. I guess I’m disappointed in myself. But I’m also disappointed in us collectively. 

I wished it had been a year of making it meaningful. Instead it was, all last minute “oh by the way, I love you.” Then move on to the next thing. Maybe she just wanted us around… time as a family.

I know everyone is busy all the time. Me too. I know the little ones can be a handful and I also need a break from them sometimes - I dunno… just bugs me.  

Maybe there is also just a realization of my own loneliness, no partner to share things with, no one to take care of or be taken care of. I’m not exactly great at the big romantic gestures myself. Every time I’m up here I’m reminded of past times I’m up here. We went to grand marais yesterday… same thing. Passing through Duluth, same thing. Maybe I’m disappointed, because I’m aware I’m not fully living the life I want to be living either. No one to talk to and debrief with. 

Tomorrow head back to daily life, work stress, groceries etc.  no major plans for a while

Want to write my book, selfishly I’d hoped I’d have time this weekend, but instead been spending time with family and coordinating this book thing everyone was contributing to. My brother cooked dinner the last few nights it was nice. 

I dunno. Hard to slow down and be mindful and positive I guess - when I feel like we didn’t do enough. Don’t deserve it. 

What was great: 

Putting together puzzles and talking to brother J and brother C. Getting to talk to N and N about Mexico City. Spending some time with the kiddos. Talking to mom, as usual. Walking the paths without bugs!!!. The new deck. 

Focus

That's an aspirational title. Right now I feel very unfocused. Multitasking poorly. I took the day off to prep for up north. My mom asked us to go up there as a family for her birthday -so I will leave tomorrow. 3 nights. Sounds like its gonna be in the 40s. There were fires last week. Too dry in May...

I had a dream last night in which I left friends to go on an adventure. I was riding on some sort of train or bus with R, everything I touched felt oily and gross, and I felt suffocated as people came aboard. I decided that I needed to get off and walk home, though I wasn't really sure where I was. Eventually I gave R some money to give to someone else (the teacher maybe?). It was kind of a weird thing, not sure who that other person was. Once I got off the train/bus, I checked my phone and realized I was much further away than I'd thought. I was in a city -one of those far off suburbs that became an exurb, and then a suburb, so it has its own history and culture. I was curious. Maybe I'll walk through this city, and then when I get closer to things that are familiar I'll take a bus -I figured. But before I could, I needed to say goodbye to the LNAS folks... where did they come from? No idea, but they were dillydallying. We were in A's apartment I think, and I hadn't seen some of these teachers in years. I was checking in, but not really wanting to get into anything. I was eager to get on my adventure. I said my goodbyes. V told me to get jamaican food or something. I had two paths in mind, one led through a park, the other through an old downtown (like mainstreet).  

When I woke up, I thought it was interesting how in both cases I felt so uncomfortable amongst friends. I was ready for an adventure. I was eager to get away. 

Though I am wanting to celebrate my mom, I kind of feel similarly about this weekend. If I had 5 days off, I'd spend it writing my book. I am hoping to, for part of my time... but being surrounded by others doesn't lead to that usually. 

I am listening to tarot right now. She is like "not internal reflection, outward action."  I am doing the opposite today. My personal spread was Hermit, Star, Fool, High Priestess, Devil, underlying Ace of Pentacles. Almost all major arcana. Maybe that means something. 

My plans for today... do some Spanish. Work on a gift. Go to the bank and get gas. Maybe take a walk. Not much else. I might watch Foundation while I work on the gift... I had considered going to a coffee shop to brainstorm ideas, but I think that was just an excuse to get out of my apartment. 

Everything is so expensive now. 

This week was pretty busy. 5-6 meetings each day. I finished up my notes last night and felt relieved. I need a break. Yesterday I had 6 guys, 4 of them between 50-mid 70s. Cranky in all different ways. I can see myself becoming that if I am not careful. 

Not sure what else to day... I guess my brain isn't fully on... 

morning run

 

Its been difficult to get out of bed.

Last night I ate dinner and basically went to bed early, feeling unmotivated to do any of the things I had said I would. Near around 10, I woke up again and started writing. I was up past 1pm. 

This way of being isn't really sustainable... been doing it the last couple of days and I enjoy the writing again. But it makes me feel unprepared for work.

I had a dream. In the dream, one of my clients who I see today, was sitting on the floor in front of me. She was feeling playful, but between us was this idea that this would be our last session. I wasn't sure why. She had this idea that because I was going on vacation, I wouldn't be returning.

I woke up and wondered if I had the order backwards. That maybe she was saying it was her last session. 

I've been feeling weird since a session yesterday in which a client with trauma was giving me mixed messages. I felt like I wanted to help him explore this time period, but I couldn't get clarity... and I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not. I left feeling like I'd done it wrong... I know these are the feelings he experiences routinely. 

I saw that the guy I am wondering if E is dating continues to become facebook friends with her family. No clarity. Not feeling jealous necessarily, but aware of the feeling of being replaced?  I guess thats what I am noticing. That I have no relationship to invest in, and I am losing the relationships I'd created. 

The day is gray and kind of cold. I am struggling with motivation and mood. I haven't felt this type of moodiness in a long time. I feel down and out... 

It didn't help that I woke to an alert from google saying my password was compromised. Means more work. 

Yesterday I sat with the owner of the clinic downstairs, she introduced me and a colleague to KAP ketamine assisted psychotherapy, the procedure, the impacts, etc. I spent half the time staring at her boo collections, her buddha statues, the mala beads she wore around her neck. She was basically talking about her work and if we were in another culture, she would be talking about shamanism. I left feeling somewhat inspired and hopeful. Only somewhat about the medicine, more about the connection, the humanism, the invitation to be. 

This morning I was wondering if I should try to take her on as a mentor. Develop a relationship. Borrow a book. You know.  

She recommended MDMA for social anxiety, even though its illegal. She was funny like that. Like there were elements she was acknowledging secretly in the open. Maybe thats a path I need to go down. 

But this morning, even though I swallowed a handful of vitamins, I am reluctant to take medicine. Not from this space of want. 

More another day. I have to go to work. 

 

Its that time (like this week) to make decisions about my future. Where do I want to live? Where do I want to work? How much is too much to spend on things I am not even taking advantage of (though my friend did note that I took advantage of the pool table and darts for the first time last weekend). I had hoped to be more active in these buildings, is there room to deepen? To invest? Or is it better to pull up roots and move to the next thing?

I walked around St. Anthony Park (the southside) and questioned. What keeps me here. What makes it hard to move? Why am I having such a hard time getting out of bed lately.

The song Where Do I Go from Hair played in my head as I walked across the bridge back towards my office. I am working from home today, and people keep canceling (3 so far this week) or rescheduling ... so it feels light. 

During the day time I feel good. Yesterday after work (5 appointments and a supervision I'd forgotten about) I got Taco Bell and then crashed by 7pm. I woke up after 10pm. I wanted to keep sleeping but couldn't. An image of a weird sunflower shaped object (sometimes more diamond like) was in multiple dreams. I woke up, and wondered if I should try to make one out of tinfoil. Why? Who knows... something to do in the middle of the night while I watch a tv show. I stayed up till 1AM or so. It was fine. I decided the only thing I really want to accomplish before I die that is entirely within my control is to finish my book.  But I didn't get up to write it. I didn't plan which days of the week I would try to be creative. I just realized that on my death bed I will have a bunch of what ifs, and regrets, but most are about other people. The only thing in my control is what I do. 

My job isn't fulfilling enough. I can't look to it to solve all my issues. My apartment isn't fulfilling enough. I am not satisfied, so I need to go out and do more, explore more, write more. Invite more in... I could ask around in the building to see if anyone wants a board game or card game night, or a book club. 

Meet and interact with more people... but yesterday 6 sessions wiped me out and I felt like I had nothing to look forward to except dreaming. Oh sweet dreams. 

I feel like I am being sooooo dramatic. So self-obsessed lately. 

None of it really matters all that much. Work is work. Whether I am doing a good job or a bad job isn't really all that impactful. People come and go. I am so invested in their lives for a time, and then I am not. 

I've been thinking a lot about how when I am invested in something I get soooo analytical, so in the weeds with it... problem solve, explore, brainstorm, critique, create, try again... but I can't do it all on my own. Need more ongoing support to do stuff. That's part of the problem with the office. We are all too busy and when we are not busy (like me today) we stay home. We invest in our lives outside the office. But anyway... I was thinking about how I see everything through this psychological lens now... clinical... always. And its not entirely helpful for living a day to day life. Like I look at things through these lenses, faith, astrology, tarot, enneagram, psychology... sociology, education... but like... what about just life for its own sake?  It is very hard for me to settle down and just exist... to just chill... to just admire existence. I always want to know how things can improve, or how we can look at them differently...  this isn't new. I just think psychology was like the latest version.  Now I am sort of fed up with reading psychology/clinical/self help books. It's all good. It serves its purpose... but nothing is 100%, no fixes. I guess the more I embrace that idea, the less urgent things seem, and also the less motivated I feel. I am less on the rollercoaster for a moment, and then I do nothing. 

*Maybe I should look into having someone else do my billing, then I wouldn't have to worry about it. Just an aside.  I've been thinking about what I would want to do with my business that would make it more exciting... teaching? workshops?  integrating other modalities? reducing the things I hate like billing?  

But its all so self-absorbed (the way I see life). There is always this *whats next, how do I feel, how do  they feel, what should I do, what should they do   -aspect, instead of just allowing. I am dissatisfied... and because I am -I am withdrawing again. Because why ask a stranger to get coffee? it will turn into me analyzing them. Why invest in something, I'll be drained and feel like I am stretched too thin... why why why... 

So self absorbed you know? 

I sort of need to be self absorbed to make decisions, to set boundaries, to discern, but at the same time it sucks the joy out of life.  I am a joy kill. 

How do I deepen without sucking the joy out of things?

*Made the decision. Staying in this apartment until at least August of 2027. Staying in my office until at least May 2028.

I think I am gonna go to Mexico City in 2027, and ask my mom if she wants to come for part of it. 

I think I am going to start writing my book again, maybe like attend to one chapter a week and I need to send it to someone to hold me accountable. Maybe I pay someone like $10 a week just to hold me accountable. That would be like 500 bucks. If they edited... it would be even better. 

What do you do with your one precious life?

 

Well, the weekend continued to go quietly. Got some groceries. Did some cleaning. Watched a show. Took a nap. Did some laundry. Listened to a cd I haven't listened to in a while. 

It occurred to me that I wasn't looking forward to the week, but I wasn't not looking forward to it  -and that reminded me that just the other day I was talking to a teenaged client who said he hates the weekends because he can't work... and I spent 40 minutes trying to get him to google things to do. 

So I took my own advice. There are a lot of summer festivals coming up in St. Paul. There are some museums I could go to. Some parks. A few things I might want to do on my own, others I could invite someone to. 

I didn't do any of them. In fact, I looked at my next weekend and saw that I had nothing, when my Brother texted and asked if I could help out with a kids birthday party. And I said, hit me up if you need me, but wasn't enthused. I didn't reach out to anyone. Barely said Hi to my mom (who was out of town). 

There is sort of a love hate of people I guess.   I didn't want to leave the house much today. Could have sat outside and read a book or something. Could have gone for a walk. Could have sat at a coffee shop and done some writing. 

There is a weird thing about life... no right way to do it, but I found myself bored with my own life, and then wondered why I was unwilling to do something about it. How strange. 

I think I might be the world's biggest complainer. 

The week looks pretty easy work wise, 4-5 clients a day. 

A thing for my brother on Thursday, picking up a friend at the train station Friday. Maybe this kids party Saturday.

Church Sunday? same old chores, same old routine. 

I should start playing board games at a store, or join an art project that I don't have to do anything but show up, or take a writing class...  Something...

I guess its bed time.

Mothers day

I struggled to respond to my alarms this morning, or rather made the choice to go back to bed. Dreams, odd and heavy, strange as they were kept calling to me. At least amongst the dreams, there was love and passion, reaching, and pushing... I know I was scared, felt on the hook, felt caught up... but I was in the middle of people, I was in relationship.

I woke up and decided I didn't want to be amongst strangers at church, but also on the odd chance that I'd see someone I knew, didn't want to play a role, rather than feeling truly caught up in the middle.

I got up in time to watch the livestream, and have been distracted the whole time. Eating breakfast, checking social media, caught off guard by random thoughts and feelings. 

It's been a quiet weekend, primarily spent alone. Saw a friend last night, but otherwise spent solo. Sleeping-in always makes me a little more braindead, and yesterday I slept in till 11 (for the same reasons). I had nothing to do, nothing to step into, nothing that called. 

Not feeling bad for myself entirely, just aware, so much silence makes it hard to ignore. At 5 pm, I went for a walk, knowing my friend would arrive around 6. It was really windy out, as I walked around in a very quiet part of St. Paul, I wondered about my own next steps, I sang songs, prayed, I talked out loud... all the things I do while traveling, exploring, figuring out who I am. What would make life feel more fulfilling?  How beautiful that tree is. What changes do I need to make? Oh, that is where that business is... How many places have I seen and how many I will still see...  There are elements of my life that feel good, that sustain me, but there are also things or people missing. My apartment is fine, but not fulfilling. My work is fine, but not fulfilling. My Church is fine, but not fulfilling. My relationships with family and friends are fine, but not fulfilling. 

It's easy to fall into a question, why me?  Why is that I have had these relationships that feel so strong in the moment, but sizzle out, or burn up... am I doing something wrong?  Why have I not been able to find what others do... companionship, partnership, etc. 

I am sitting and listening to church, and part of me misses E. Wonders how she is, what she is up to, if she is spending time with her family, with friends, alone?  Do these people I have loved wonder the same about me? 

It is Mothers day, and there is a bit of sadness, of grief, of relief, of longing still.  I read a postsecret this morning that was about a child who was looking online at their bio parent's social media because their parent did not know they existed and I was almost envious of that parent. -As in, someone wants to know you. As in, someone needs to know you. 

I don't like to make it sound definite, but I am very sad that I might miss my window to be a parent. I know there is still time, and so many ways I could *make it happen, but I've been determined to have it on my terms, and my terms are not the terms of the universe I guess.  

But then it also makes me feel sort of pathetic, because I have had many people in my life who have asked me to bring down my walls, to be vulnerable, to trust in them, and I chose not to. Kept them at a distance, lied or omitted, was silent, did not reach. 

I know there is no right way, but I also know that I have struggled to find, name and define my own. Even now with my dad and step mom, it feels important to set boundaries, but I also know I am not entirely in the right, because they are not entirely in the wrong... just different needs right now. 

I am not sure where I was going with any of this... 

Just to say, I guess, that silence allows me to notice the little cracks, the absences. 

"How far gone, my love, how long, will you be at sea,
Are you lost? If not,

come home for me."

May

I guess it's been a week - I didn't realize it had been so long since I wrote.   Its already May 6th. 

Last Friday I took the day off and went to two protests. The first was at a bridge downtown and some young activists stopped traffic and got arrested. It took the cops a surprisingly long time to get there -like over 30 minute? then another 15 to arrest them.  All the while we stood singing songs and waving our posters on the other side of the bridge -where traffic was allowed to leave downtown. I imagined the truck union drivers that did it in the 30s or whatever... how easy it was to stop the entry/exit points of the city. 

After that I walked around the north loop a little. I haven't really been down there in years. It was really cool and I kind of missed city life. There is a big difference between St. Anthony Park and the north loop...  but really, it would have been at least back to Dunn Bros time and before that When I and L lived down there. Its crazy how you can just not go to a neighborhood or an area of the city even when you live in it. 

Speaking of which, I have been investigating the St. Anthony Park neighborhood a bit more when it is warm out. Its a really cool area, old houses, not a lot of uniformity, liberal, art, gardens, anti ice signs everywhere. I wanna keep checking it out, but another part of me is considering moving -especially if I don't get to stay in my office (a bunch of drama in itself). 

Last Thursday I went to an open house/happy hour thing on the 2nd floor and met people, and socialized and it was really nice. It was like we were all waiting for someone else to make it happen and then they did and it was nice.  I emailed the owner of the building on Friday and said I'd like to renew... he said he'd get back to me -despite the deadline for renewal being in mid -may. Anyway... now I feel like I am not welcome, so I might as well start looking for a new space for November... and maybe a new apartment too. 

In the meantime, I decided I am going to NYC in August for a week. J said I could stay at her place which cuts down a lot on costs... I know my mom offered a trip, but I'd prefer to go to Mexico City with her... Maybe next year? 

Her birthday is coming up. 

My Dad just had his. Leading up to it was all sorts of mixed feelings, but on the day before the party we went for a walk and I told him I didn't really see anything changing... so I probably wouldnt be there. I added to his gift, told him I'd take him out for a dinner.  Aunt T reached out and said she missed me, and that she was upset by her brothers and their politics... I said it was better for me to not be there. 

Instead of the birthday party (the last for a while thank the loid)... I went to the May Day Parade and loved every bit of it. Ran into KT, gotta reach out to her again. Saw some other folks, but didn't really talk to anyone. Sat for hours in the sun people watching, praying, taking in the positive vibes and saying thank you. Then the ceremony started, I cried my eyes out, sang, praised, hugged the guy next to me... It was sooooo beautiful and so great, and it made me want to move to powderhorn -or north east more likely... but just the vibes of minneapolis. 

I did have some moments wondering why I am all alone in a crowd of amazing people...but I also had some moments in which I felt grateful I was so that I could have my own experience and not be worried about someone else, or catering to them. It was soooo lovely, and part of me just wants to promise myself that I will always make room for it. A promise to myself that I get to celebrate this beautiful thing you know...

I made the decision RE: NYC and for a while after skipping my dad's thing, doing the May Day parade and generally feeling like I was being true to myself -I felt empowered, optimistic, really like-seize the day emperor energy. 

Then this week has just felt all over the place with work. Really exhausting... crisis, revelation, family drama, celebration, surgeries and potential hospitalizations, insight, and on and on... some of it is the same old drama, some of it is like -everyone who is sensitive is extra sensitive, everyone who doesn't feel like they belong feels extra like they don't belong.  Parts of me see so many parts of me.... and I am just like yeah... its hard, but I am also somehow optimistic still?

Two more days, but it has felt like a week already. At lunch time I see my neighbor people and I cant even think about socializing. Generally I am feeling caught up, but I am also feeling very drained. 

I need to claim what I want... I don't really know how to meet someone, the rest is easy enough. Pack up your stuff and go. 

No right ways?

I woke up earlier today feeling kind of anxious, but also optimistic. I felt like I was somehow free of some of the heaviness I have been feeling.  I walked to work thinking that I would have to step into the next phase of my life, one in which I am an adult and my parents aren't on a pedestal, and that that is ok. They would just be other human beings, not people to look up to. More particularly, my dad and step mom would just be people whose opinions don't really matter to me -in some ways more akin to the self-righteousness I had 20 years ago. Maybe I've been compromising too much of myself, and really, I just need to think of these people as less than or something... I dunno even thinking about it fully makes me feel like I am not living into my values.   It is kind of what my siblings described that they have had to do... look at our parents, and dismiss them.  That feels dumb, but maybe I can't talk to my dad or step mom about the things I care about in the world, because they won't get it. Maybe doing so (for me) actually just opens me up to feeling vulnerable and hurt by them when they choose differently (read stupidly). 

At work I sat with clients and had this weird removed quality... sitting back, observing... I mean I was in it with them, but I was also just so aware of how all our drama is just drama. Our egos, our hurts and angers, our desires, our want to be seen and known, our ability to delude ourselves, to fight for things, to make mistakes and douse ourselves in gasoline and light a match... just human junk. None of it all that meaningful, but because we have nothing else to fret over, so deeply meaningful. 

I had a client that I relate to a lot. We were talking about what age he is when he is in the story he is telling himself... eg, did you develop this story as a child? at 20?   From my freefloating place, I could tell that he didn't feel he had much agency when he told this story, he was being acted upon... even though logically he knew better. The story and the feeling were disempowering... they didn't lead to options or feeling capable... and I noticed myself chastising myself for being in this younger version of me so much lately. I don't have any power or choice, I feel young, mixed up, I feel incapable of holding myself together or standing my ground in a generous way...   I am also angst and anger. ---but today, I was free for a while. I was in the clouds, and my drama didn't matter. 

And I kind of liked being in my lofty somewhat egoless state... and then I also knew I was kind of deluding myself - but I felt more optimistic and hopeful about what I could do with my life -if I just laughed at all my drama instead of acting it out. This and that, and the other thing... meh, what's next, ok do it.   (some spiritual bypassing obviously). 

Then today the Supreme Court overturned part of the Voting Rights Act and an idiot went before Congress and I was just reminded again of the consequences... our world is going to shit because of these people. Fuck you. Fuck you for creating a future in which we don't have rights, health care, education, security, an environment or any fucking hope. Fuck you for ruining the American Dream. Fuck you for blaming us when you chose to do it.  Fuck you for being stupid enough to fall for the conmen over and over even when it hurts you. Fuck you for your mistakes, which you won't take responsibility for and make your life and mine worse. Why should I be nice about it... you're hurting my business, my clients, my students, my health, everything I've worked for, you're undermining... why should I be nice to you?  

Its like, you don't want to be the daycare for your grandkids? whose fault was that? You don't want to help pay their bills every month? Whose fault was that? You want it to be easier to relax, or travel or make a living... you voted against it, so fuck you. 

And I can point out... well on an interpersonal level, you're really nice, welcoming, hospitable, gracious... and I have certainly benefitted on the one hand... and on the other I've had to sacrifice more, work harder, give to more people and organizations, fight fight fight against the people you empower, don't question, etc.   And even when you're upset by their lack of integrity, you fall into "bothsides..." cynicism that makes nothing better, selfish pity party, still no personal responsibility from you -and then you blame us for it?  For fighting back? For saying enough is enough? fuck you. 

It makes me angry that you give with one hand and don't recognize you're pulling the rug out from beneath us... you only want credit for offering a hand up. That's fucked up. 

What do I even want? 

I mean... I don't want to cut off my family. I don't want to not show up to parties and family gatherings... I also don't want to roll my eyes or start a fight when something stupid is said. My step-sister basically said she already sees it getting a lot worse... and said she has to bite her tongue, or roll her eyes, or ignore, or walk away... and it's like ---yeah but the defunded the nursing home so that won't even be an option.  

(I am making it seem like they say anything out loud... they don't. They aren't even concrete in their arguments anymore. They make a snide comment. They're actually more cynical than righteous in their political views. It's just that they don't even acknowledge they were wrong.)

I don't like ignoring people, leaving people out, not hearing them out... I feel like there should be room at the table for different points of view... but when people are sharing points of view that hurt others -it sucks. 

Unconditional positive regard... Seeing the best in people... loving people for their potential rather than accepting who they are...  These are tools...but they are also traps for me. 

Sometimes I think about how in one of our first deeper convos M told me she was broken, and probably shouldn't ever get married again. I dismissed it, said it was kind of a silly idea, and that of course she would... I met her, how I would meet anyone (let alone anyone I had a crush on)... but maybe I should have asked more questions about why she was responsible for her failed relationships instead of dismissing these statements.  With E, I often wanted to project the ability of her to succeed in things she felt a lack of competence for... tried to help her... but maybe I should have just believed her. Yeah, you won't figure that out, and I'm not sure I can carry the weight for you. 

This morning or yesterday I was thinking about how both of these women lied to me regularly, not necessarily consciously... but they did. If I had trusted my gut that noticed all the red flags, I wouldn't have gotten into it so deep... but I breezed right by that shit. 

As a teacher and a therapist, I was required to believe that people could grow, succeed, overcome barriers and challenges... I do believe that. But most wont... it requires effort, and support, and being honest, and taking responsibility, and being courageous enough to sacrifice or face the music of what we have done... I'm not that brave am I?   Why do I expect others to be?

I complained to my step sister, no one taught me how to do this... instead, they taught me to shift the blame down the ladder... making others responsible for my actions.

YUCKY

Isn't that exactly what the country is doing? 

If I go back to my cloud its like ...yeah dude... thats one of the dramas we play out... it is, has been, will be...     Is your resistance? self flagellating ? walking away from relationships gonna help?

I dunno...   I just know my Dad's birthday is coming up... and I am struggling to be on board. Or make a card, or whatever the fuck we are doing.