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 It’s been kind of a weird transition back. 

Yesterday I got in and took a bus/train combo home, lamenting the whole way that there were no people here (until cedar riverside). Even the U was dead on a Friday afternoon. It was hot/humid, and everyone must be out of town…? I dunno I felt sad. I ended up taking a nap and staying in after getting canes for dinner. I woke up and it was drizzling, and gray and kind of yuck. Grabbed checks, got groceries, put away my stuff from the trip. Went to the bank, went for a walk. 

At a coffee shop right now, probably go to a movie in an hour. My mood has slowly gotten better, but part of that has been fantasizing about leaving again… so is that better?  

I walked the river paths, and the green put me in a better mood. Still not a lot of people, and so quiet… but I considered all the things and prayed while walking, and ended up on a fantasy of leaving for two years or never coming back, spending all my grandmas money buying tickets for people to come join me on my last hurrah. 

At a certain point I wondered why it was so easy to feel optimistic about leaving my own life behind… and again realized I’m not happy here… I’m content most of the time, but as of right now, not happy. I have some friends but don’t always feel very connected to them.  Just different interests and circumstances? I dunno. Barely talking to half my family, and we are all so independent. No prospects for a family of my own or even a partner… no community and none promised. I’m not bought into anything except my own survival and independence and if it’s that, why not be independent elsewhere? 

But I do love this place. I do love the green. I do love the art and murals. I do love the people. I do love the STOP ice stop signs. Maybe I just need to find a new neighborhood or something. 

OR buy into something. As I told my friend, I know that if I moved to NYC I would still be me, and that doesn’t seem like it would necessarily bring about a positive change… and at the same time I looked at the powerball numbers and wondered - if I had a few million to spare would I move there? Yes! 

My fantasy included the goodbyes… all the people I’ve loved, all those I’ve wronged, all those I carry in my heart. It’s funny that the three women who loved me the most openly were the three I broke up with. I worried they had lost themselves. All are doing better now… I think. 

I felt like I as singing “where do I go” the whole walk. What is this life? I know that if I still feel this way in a year it’s time for a change. 

There is just too much beauty to spend so much time feeling meh. Not that things can always be a honeymoon, but I need more honeymoon in my life. 

Write?

Create?

Teach?

Travel?

Who can I love that will love me back?

Last night in town

 Turns out I love New York. I spent the last 6 days here and every day was great even though I went to different places and did different things. The first two days I exclusively stayed in Brooklyn (with the exception of the airport). The last 4 I’ve been in manhattan and the other islands and a little time in Brooklyn at the end of the day. 

Did I write about yesterday?

Yesterday I took the subway up to MOMA and it was a great museum. Again, you see paintings that are famous, and they look like the painting you know. But Klimt, Kahlo, Dali, Monet, Van Gogh, all the modern famous people! It was a treat for the eyes, and I rushed through in a couple hours so that I didn’t have to worry about the play. 

I suppose I was also a little museumed out by that point, but all the art that looked cool, I stopped to admire, including one room where the artist lady took photos of people sleeping in her bed. It said she got the idea because she got sick of following people around all day… the line between art and crime is thin. 

One thing I didn’t quite realize was how small some of these famous paintings are… Frida made really small works of art. I had no idea. 

Other modern art stuff just looks like hey I needed to fill some space. And it’s easy to walk by, because I don’t get the symbolic meaning, and I don’t care to in the moment.

Anyway I got out early and had plenty of time to meander my way to broadway, stopped at the cathedral and another church, stopped at Rockefeller center (building?) whatever it’s called, stopped at time square- ran away because it was too overwhelming, came back later.  Did a bunch of stuff and ran around smiling and taking pictures and generally enjoying New York. Then I went to see the Buena Vista Social Club on broadway and it was amazing! Great music and dancing, great story. Just loved every minute of it. Then I talked to my mom on the phone because she likes to live vicariously through my travels and she has basically been calling me everyday to hear about it (which is really nice). Also she really loves New York, and told me tonight she would have been really disappointed if I didn’t also. But I do… and we talked for over an hour several days about how great it is here. 

Then I went to madam toussads (sp?) and goofed my way through it. Would have been better with someone else but was still silly. Also they had a 4d “ride” with jumanji and I was glad I’d seen the movie (the new one) it was really fun. 

Then I walked down to Bryant park which I fucking loved!!!! And  grand central and then out to the UN building which had its flags down so it didn’t seem so great. A Tibet protest outside and a ceremony?   I made my way back to Brooklyn. 

Today. I started at the Empire State Building - which means nothing because from the street you can’t see shit. So I went south towards a park, and then decided to go to Chelsea and as I got further away the view of the Empire State Building got better and better. I stopped outside the vessel, and then did the high line through Chelsea to the Chelsea market… both super cool. The high line might be even better if I knew anything about plants or gardening but I loved the views and the weird voyeurism  aspect of being basically next to people’s lives while walking above ground… hard to explain, or would take more words… they have giant windows and outdoor patios that basically are 10-15 feet away from the path?

Chelsea market kind of reminder me of every market made inside an old warehouse or whatever that has been made the hip cool place. But it was also fun.

From there I went south and got pizza at one of the best rated places. Which was good. I hope New York can forgive me, but I like punch pizza better… I mean it was great, but was it better than Neapolitan? 

Then I went to Stonewall, which the memorial itself was nothing, but the little tourist center small though it was, was really nice. Just like a fun cute safe space, they keep it super positive in there. But there is a section where they have all these journals and little prompts and they ask people to write.. and it made me cry a lot. Made me realize I’m so grateful to be alive and to be less ashamed and less scared than I was growing up. the world has gotten a little better… we gotta keep fighting. I said thanks to the people and cried as I left. I made sure to add to one of the journals just to acknowledge I am alive and it is good. 

From there I walked to Washington square park which was another really cool park. I sat and people watched and listened to a jazz trio for 45 minutes or something. It was the most chill part of my whole trip,,, it’s been hard to sit still there is so much to to see and do. Eventually I decided I did want to make it to the tenement museum eventually, so I meandered my way through the east village which was way cooler than the west village(so posh), and then into the lower east side for the tenement museum. I didn’t realize they had said it up as specific families for specific time periods and I kind of missed the window on the 1800s family’s from Ireland, so I did one that sounded cool. A family in the 1950s with parents who survived the holocaust and a family from Puerto Rico in the 60s who were part of the wave of people who came over and eventually became 1/10 of the population of the nyc. The museum is set up in the buildings (some of the exact apartments) as the families that lived there, and basically they have recreated the furnishings and just tell you stories about the people and from their perspective (if they left it). The families I saw are still alive, so they shared little audio/video recordings from them as well as talking about how they have come to the museum and brought their children to see where they grew up. 

It was really more interesting and moving than I thought it would be and also super weird. I kept thinking, what would it be like if they asked me to recreate one of the apartments I grew up in… it’s really no different except you realized literally multiple dozens of families have lived in these apartments since the mid 1800s or wheneve the building was built. A difference between the original and the era I saw was that the apartments were redone and expanded considerably, so like double the size of the families in the 1800s and early 1900s. But the paint jobs are terribly thick (so many layers), and the floors are all uneven, and things are slanted, and you can tell it was home… but also not the nicest home. 

They said at one point, the lower east side was the most densely populated area on the planet with 2-3k people living in each block. I asked about the demographics now… they said mostly young professionals paying 3500 a month for rent. I’ve seen some apartments in New York that were way smaller…but you also recognize this is like 100 years of built up chemicals and toxic shit. 

Oh they also mentioned a funny feature of tenement life, they had air ventilation in the middle of the building, so you might have windows that faced other peoples windows and they called them handshake neighbors or something, where literally you meet your neighbor by tapping on their window 2 feet away. Apparently it helped the kids make friends. 

After that I went north into the east village again to see if I could notice anything different about alphabet city (from rent)… on the whole the east side is rougher, more vibrant, more “urban” like more graffiti and murals and stuff. I didn’t feel unsafe or anything, just recognized it wasn’t posh. But that specific area didn’t look much different from parts of Brooklyn. 

I guess I saw more black people in that neighborhood than in others… on the whole, I’m sort of shocked that it doesn’t feel very black? I dunno how to say that, but like it feels like an international city. People from everywhere, all different races and nationalities and ethnicities and languages. So black Americans don’t stand out as being a significant portion of the population in any of the areas I’ve seen which is surprising. I did not go to Harlem and I do wonder if queens or the Bronx might be different. 

After going up there I headed south again, strolled into little Italy, was shocked how Chinatown still feels like a Chinatown. I dunno, those two neighborhoods are weird. I assume the Italians don’t live there in the same way the Chinese do. Little Italy seems like a tourist few blocks, China town seems like a place people live. Except I didn’t see any Chinese markets - maybe they are hidden. That would be the major exception and it was significant. I mean even on eat street you’ve got Asian markets. Where is all the dried fish? And other stuff?

Maybe I am just lot privy to that. Anyway… I got some amazing lo mein. Then walked down to the subway at Fulton and saw east lower manhattan which has way more life than the west side. I came back to Brooklyn and got some icecream and walked a bit to say goodbye. 

I’m kind of sad to leave. This has been an amazing trip in an amazing place. 

I commented to my friend and my mom, the  thing that is bumming me out the most is that I’m gonna miss seeing people. It’s just different here. The density of people is sooooo vibrant and amazing. You can’t go ten feet without seeing people. I know I’m gonna miss that feeling. Sure they are in the way, and annoying and all that… but it’s just the feeling of being surrounded by people on every direction. It fills you with energy. 

Mn is dead in comparison. Even at our best we got like 3% of what nyc does. It makes it clear how easy it is to call us a flyover state. If you were from here. Almost everywhere in the world has nothing on your home. I could imagine people leave from here and they are excited to get back, whereas I  am like… maybe I’ll just miss my flight accidentally. 

There is probably more to say. But when I get back and I’m hit by the wall of emptiness and quiet and the lack of vibrancy I’ll try to think about r writing down more.   NYC is amaze balls.

Quick notes.

1) Does the dryer even work? My clothes are damp like in Europe, I wonder if my friend has a setting on there to make them not get too dry or something…

2) I got really paranoid in the last 15 minutes.. the basement is kind of creep, all basements are… but it’s just like, someone could be down there and I would never know. The front door has multiple locks, but does the back? This room seems to have a fake lock. I’ve felt completely safe in New York until these last few minutes and now I keep thinking about someone being in here… creepy.

3) by day one I had already started feeling the loneliness… but it’s getting stronger every day. I’m checking in with friends, my brothers, my mom calls me daily… but it’s the thing of wanting a partner. It’s seeing so many couples and families. It’s seeing so many beautiful people and being like, I want one. Yes there is some possessiveness, it’s not entirely all love based, I’m also lusting - even with my totally exhausted by the end of the day, and mid day sweating sticky don’t touch me vibe. But definitely a feeling of, where is my love? How come everyone else gets one and I don’t kind of thing. The past time I traveled alone was the Baltic’s I think, and I remember everyday being like, why are you doing this alone?  

There is something kind of existential about it. Not just not connected, but like alone alone while completely surrounded by people. 50 thousand people in the park picnicking, holding hands at the museum, riding in the horse carriages. Where is my other half?

Seeing so much can feel amazing and beautiful and eye opening, but can also make you question what you’re doing here on earth if you don’t have anyone to share it. 

Day 4

 I know I skipped a day. 

Which order should I go in?

Yesterday -realizing I’d walked too much the day before, I decided to take it easier. I got up and took the subway to the south end of manhattan and then got on a boat for liberty island, and then another to Ellis island, and then back to the battery. 

The Statue of Liberty is cool and all, but mostly just for pictures. The audio guide was kind of an annoying. The view of manhattan and Brooklyn and the whole surrounding area was great, even from the ground level(I did not pay to go up). Ellis island was more moving. Thinking of the experience of all the millions who have come here seeking a better life, escaping war/famine/crises of all kinds and looking for opportunity… I guess I had never realized that the only people who went to Ellis island were the ones in steerage class. The 1st and 2nd class passengers had a doctor and someone come on board and then they were let off to New York.  The island had hospitals and a court room, all the various ways they tried to keep people away or help them move forward. I liked the theme… of immigrants built this country, I dislike that we are still discriminating. 

The whole trip took about 3-4 hours with wait times and what not. The boat rides only took 10-20 minutes but waiting in line, getting on and off.. the whole time I barely heard any English. Italian, Spanish, a bunch of east Europe and Asian languages… very little English. 

After getting back to the main land, I walked up from the battery on broadway where everyone was posing with the bull (not on Wall Street which is interesting). I walked around trinity church and saw the grave stones or markers of a few famous folks from Hamilton.

I then zigzagged through the lower manhattan buildings, the place where Washington was sworn in, the New York stock exchange, the banks… and all the fancy buildings that At ground level have normal stores and a lot of tourist shit, but above look crazy rich. 

I then made my way over to the 9/11 memorial. 

At first I was confused because they have a bunch of buildings called wtc or whatever, but some of them are in honor of… like there is a new looking mall. And then there is a whole new wtc, and then there are the spots where the old one is, with the reflecting waterfall pools, and the building where you still see some of the old structure underground. 

From the moment I got there I was crying. I don’t know it’s just the thought of so many people dying all at once is so horrifying still. Plus watching it for weeks, up all night, knowing that everything might change. I have been feeling that trauma for a long time, and I cried my eyes out… I hope that some of it can just go now. But in some ways it was all brought back.

At the waterfall pools they have all the names. Inside, when I was buying a ticket I started crying and the girl gave me tissues. She was like, I can tell you’re gonna need these. (They have more at specific spots throughout). 

Robert deniro does the audio for one part of the guide. A journalist does it for the other. Scattered throughout the audio they have people sharing their stories -mostly of afterwards. The museum exhibits share the story of that day really well (all 4 planes etc). It’s really really hard At certain sections. 

From the beginning they do try to paint it as a thing that has been overcome, but it’s a good balance. The first exhibit is this “slab wall” where you realize it could have been even worse. Apparently part of the wtc complex that made it such a big deal was that they had dug our huge amounts of the earth and reinforced it so that the river didn’t come in and crumble everything. They say if the wall had failed the river would have swept through the subway and maybe under the whole city…. I dunno scary.

Another early part is that they show you this staircase that was the exit to one of the streets and later you find out more,  but basically people used it in the nick of time and got out alive before the whole building fell. And you can see the damaged steps. 

In general the museum kind of shares the aftermath a little, and then you go into the story of the day… minute by minute at times. The first tower, the confusion, the second tower, the alarm going up, the pentagon(which you never heard much about), and the 4th plane that went down in the field. You hear about the emergency responders and the efforts they made to get people out. You hear voice recordings from the passengers on the planes, the people in the buildings, and of all the people calling folks knowing they were either on a plane or in the building and the increased concern throughout the day. 

The pentagon section was really eye opening because you never really heard about it. But you hear from people who were there and just how bewildering it was, and torturous. I dunno. In some ways I didn’t have as much empathy for them, but at the same time hearing them talk about how scared, confused, in shock they were made it more real than the conspiracies. 

The 4th plane folks, they basically have not only transcripts from inside the cockpit but also tons of voice calls the passengers made. It’s just sad. 

The part that killed me was the piece about people losing hope and jumping. There are tons of pictures and videos, and it’s just horrifying. I know some of those people did what they felt was the empowering thing to do. But so many just couldn’t stand the heat and the smoke. And they must have been soooo terrified. I just started bawling at that point. A lady rubbed my arm, as I walked away. It was totally unbearable… like I’m still so upset. 

And people on the ground talked about it that way too. Like they couldn’t look away even though it was devastating to watch because they felt like they had to honor them. 

There are a bunch of parts about the firefighters and police and stuff. And you know they  are playing it in their recordings,  but at the same time you can tell they’re falling apart because all of their friends are dying around them. It was hard to hear in the crowd with all the audios and what not… but apparently all the emergency personnel were wearing these audio things that set off an alarm if they don’t move for 30 seconds. And they talked about how after the buildings fell suddenly hundreds of these alarms went off all at once and it was just awful for everyone because not only was the ash and smoke and heat everywhere but there was these alarms and all the emergency people knew what it meant. Hundreds of them. 

The dispatch people too… they just sounded so like wtf??? Knowing they were sending th largest amount of first responders ever into this burning building (like every body for miles). 

And then also they had to evacuate the whole south part of the island, which is exactly what I’d been walking around. 

I dunno it was crazy. 

Anyway… the museum ends on this sort of - we were all there for each other and ready to get the bad guys thing. And it’s kind of a horrible realization.. because the whole world really was on our side. We could have done incredible things… and we squandered it for wars.

After that I decided to walk back… which was too much, but I wanted to walk the Brooklyn bridge once at least and I figured the next few days I’d probably be going further north. So I did that after taking a few pictures of other things. I got back and was totally dead. 

I took it easier this morning… woke up slowly. Then spent an hour on the subway heading to the top of manhattan for the Cloisters which is a bizarre little mishmash of Europe (and some random stuff from the americas). It’s beautiful and also weird. I walked along the park and read about some of the battles in the revolutionary war that took place near by. Then made my way to Central Park via subway. Basically skipper like 85 blocks or something including the rest of Washington heights and Harlem… so. I walked through the north end of the park and made it to the museum of the city of NY. Which was ok. Fairly simply, a little propaganda but basically telling the story of the city.  One of my fav exhibits was a video that showed where the historic sites are today - and was stands there now - and like I had already realized, so much of it is just built over. No marker or nothing. But I had been to a bunch of the spots - so that felt cool. 

After that I got lunch and continued south along 5th Ave… eventually made my way to the Met which was gigantic and way too much and I was discombobulated and tired by that point. I forgot I was partially going to the met to see the Dali paintings, but I saw a bunch of others that are famous and when you see a famous painting in real life you go “oh, yeah that’s what it looks like.” Washington crossing the deleware, Van Gogh, Monet, Picasso, they look exactly like you’d think. 

The museum was like 10x version of the Brooklyn one and they must have had some of the same contributors, it reminded me of the louvre. They had a fucking Egyptian temple, they had what appeared to be all the components of a cathedral but spread out and on display, they had tons of gold from the muisca, and masks from Benin and Songhai and all sorts of stuff. I basically skipped the Asian section, I wanted to skip some of the Europe but see all those famous people above. It was so much that you don’t stop to look except at the thing that really really catches your eye.  

When I got done there, I was still exhausted.. but I walked down through Central Park and took some pictures. Then got on the subway back. Grabbed some pizza and now I’m doing laundry and hopin g to go to bed early. 

Tomorrow MOMA, a broadway show (I might have been ripped off), a bunch of tourist spots… I’m hoping to wake up early to have enough time to enjoy things. I think the museum opens at like 9:30? I should double check. If I could get there as it opens, I’d feel really good about my day. 

Day 2

 What I wrote to a friend:

So my friends place is in Gowanus neighborhood, which is kind of a gentrifying area, surrounded by super diverse commercial streets, like central Ave times 10. So I walked a few streets after getting a bagel breakfast sandwich and made my way to prospect park, which is a gigantic park (brooklyns Central Park) and checked out the trails. It’s got large fields, picnic areas, some historic spots, a forest, next to some botanical gardens and I think a zoo? I dunno it’s massive. I think I walked about half way through in an hour and a half, then went to the Brooklyn museum. Saw some ancient Egyptian, Assyrian, and east and south Asian artifacts/art/religious stuff, and a bunch of other art.  The Tibetan shrine, and the Egyptian papyrus copies of the book of the dead were both pretty awe inspiring. Also just some of these things are like 3000 to 5000 years old. One of the most interesting long time exhibits they have is called the dinner party, by Judy Chicago. It’s a large piece in which she honors women throughout history with dinner plate designed with “vulvar” themes and intricately designed runner place mats. Even though it sounds kind of ridiculous, it was actually really moving. There were a number of really beautiful artworks. 

Ate a chicken gyro from a truck at lunch, then walked zig zagging through streets that looked interesting up to Williamsburg. Along the way walked through one of the large Hasidic neighborhoods which is a trip.  Williamsburg is like a newish hipster spot, with some cool shops and art and what not. Went down to the east river and chilled for a bit staring at manhattan. Then walked to an area they call Dumbo, briefly stopping at an outdoor dance party - which if it wasn’t so fucking not - and maybe I had some drugs , I would have stayed all night.  At dumbo, I also chilled for a bit by the river, saw some art, some stores, people watched. Then walked back through the downtown area to my friends place - getting some teriyaki chicken on the way.

I’m sure there is more but I’m beat. I think I walked like 15-20 miles today in the heat. I’m worried I’m chafing in all the wrong places, and probably sun burned. 

Tomorrow Manhattan - probably for the next few days. One of the cats came out to play. The other is still missing. Talked to my mom and a few friends. I dunno. Still lonely, but also not. If the skin needs to heal. I can hobble around a museum or sit for a play, or go on a cruise around the harbor. 

Saw some people on jet skis it did not look fun. It looked like panic with the size of the waves. 

Helloooooo Brooklyn!

 And also hello from Brooklyn. I landed in queens I guess, but other than being at an airport and on a train I have been in Brooklyn. 

I am at my friends apartment “cat sitting” except the cats are hiding so I have barely seen them. Picked up two piles of cat puke though… and fed them. So I guess I’m doing my job. 

The apartment is in a cute neighborhood that is just adjacent to some more interesting ones… meaning theirs has some higher end restaurants and a Whole Foods, while the streets nearby are filled with all sorts of stores and restaurants. So much so that it is enthralling for hour, somewhat sensory overwhelm but in a magical way that makes you feel alive. My mom said that about New York this morning when I was not feeling very alive at 5 am, that this is a city that is exciting and feels alive all the time. So far I have found that to be true, at least of Brooklyn. 

I got off the train a bit further than my friend recommended so that I could walk around a bit. Walked a mile or two to get to the place, the keys didn’t seem to work so I called her and she said “push.” So far that’s been the only crisis. The other being I bought an Omni card or whatever for the subway then later realized you can just use a normal credit card. 

In my miles of walking in the 90 degree heat and sun (early afternoon) I was literally dripping when I got in. But as soon as I got in, I wanted to leave again. It’s a cute apartment; they have sooo much stuff, and it doesn’t in any way meet the stereotype of being small, but it was the streets that called to me. I walked Atlantic and 4th to get here, I walked part of 3rd, 4th, and 5th just to explore before cutting east. Found myself on smith heading north towards downtown Brooklyn. All of these streets/avenues are commercial and just overflowing with life. Tons of people on the street, block parties, parks full, plus just people hanging out. 

In the downtown area I checked out the outsides of some of the civic and state buildings while strolling through the parks. Little kids playing soccer. Bikers. Skaters. Folks out for a stroll. Tons of couples, tons of families. 

And a raising canes if I can’t find food in the millions of other spots. I’ll admit I went to Whole Foods to get carrots and sunscreen, but even the Whole Foods felt like a market, not the sanitary suburban place on the border of slp. It was crowded and noisy and people were bustling. I didn’t go into any bodegas but did stop at a pharmacy and a smaller grocer later in the day. The bodegas are funny because they look like corner stores, but they have a whole menu of pictures plastered on the windows or walls outside. I saw food from Mexico, Ecuador, Colombia, Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Cuba, Yemen, Lebanon, Syria, Palestine, Israel, Ethiopia, Italy, France, Germany, Britain, Ireland, Poland, Thai, Chinese, Vietnamese, Indian, Korean, Japanese, and probably more that I’m forgetting. And half the places seem to sell food from multiple backgrounds, like all the kebab/gyro trucks also had a taco menu and vice versa.  Like it truly is a wonderfully diverse place. People from everywhere speaking all sorts of languages and inviting mike to guess… is that Haitian French or west African French? Is that Mexican Spanish or Cuban Spanish?  

There are chains, I did see a McDonald’s and burger kind, chick fil a, Popeyes, Dave’s hot chicken and canes, but there are many more local small businesses than the chains. It’s like a little out of place almost when you see the dominos or the Starbucks. The target and Dave and busters apparently are near the mall.

Beyond the restaurants there are also food trucks, and vendors with permits and not so much. Everything is on top of one another, not neatly placed, not spaced out. I kind of love that the gym and the call center and the storage locker and the literal warehouse are all next to each other. That may be one of the things that most takes me to other places… in MN, warehouses have their own land… here, you walk by and they are moving pallets, or stacking packages right next door to a commercial business. It reminds me of Latin America that way. 

But like, there was a toy store that had all the toys and action figures out and posed in the store front. Not in packages… but like posed (like how things used to be… you know?)  there were multiple magic stores that I came across, yes book stores and trinkets and all sorts of stuff but multiple magic stores for magicians?!?!? I mean… how amazing. 

It was 90 degrees today and so many people were outside… they still are out on the town. Block after block, in the parks, on the piers, under the bridges. It’s incredible. I walked through a couple of blocks that I was pretty sure were subsidized housing, and people were just out in the parks and courtyards having parties. Along the piers there are places where people grill and picnic. So many families celebrating because it’s summer and it’s Saturday. In mn? Na. We might go to a patio brewery or go on the lake, or maybe go for a bike ride… but here everyone is out. 

And everyone looks good. It’s not the Boston shallow, it’s like people look good, healthy, wear clothes that fit. I dunno. Makes me self conscious as I sweat through my t shirt, and my belly bulges… but I was walking around for at least 5-6 hours. And loved it almost the whole time (had to get some drinks/snacks to keep up the energy). 

Tomorrow I’m hoping to explore prospect park, the Brooklyn museum, get a bagel, maybe go to Williamsburg, or another neighborhood (all these neighborhoods used to be villages/cities in themselves). 

I looked at a map of the area I walked today and it was like 1/8 of Brooklyn… it felt like a lot. 

Wish I had a romantic partner to do this with. 

In terms of cities, I spent a lot of time trying to compare… the closest I’ve gotten is Buenos  Aires… huge, multicultural, lively, vibrant and exciting. A mix of old and new. Parks and buildings and art, good transportation. Great food. 

In vastness, the tall building remind me of São Paulo or Lima, both of which are also very multicultural. I’d say smell wise, maybe some of the cities in India. It’s pretty funky at least once a block, but it just feels like part of it…  I dunno. A little like London, except instead of hustle and bustle dreary, it’s hustle and bustle lively.  But not really other parts of Europe. 

There are hills in Brooklyn, but when I first got in from the airport, it seemed the whole area was totally flat. I think the height of the trains (some of them look down on the neighborhoods) makes it seem more flat than maybe it is.

I also think the visuals really mess with your head distance wise. I feel like I walk a mile and the map shows me an inch. 

Anyway… getting tired (two nights in a row with only 4-5 hours). Hopefully the Chinese food I had for dinner doesn’t make me sick. 

More Brooklyn tomorrow. I think Monday-Wednesday I run around manhattan, museums, parks, maybe see a show, I dunno. Probably Thursday just playing catch up to whatever I didn’t see… perhaps a trip on the water. I am not sure if I want to be out and about at night. I think maybe when I get to know the place a bit better. But also just tired. 

No plans for queens or the Bronx or Staten Island unless I randomly stumble into them… it’s just a lot in 6 days as it is.  And given how long the train takes, and needing to be at the airport two hours early, I think Friday will also be an early morning leaving. 

Ok… I am brain dead. Brooklyns great. At one point I felt really sad that I’ve never been out here before. I could make it a thing to come once every few years easily. 

Adding this on after::: my mom asked for a highlight. I ended with saying this feels like the best of the US. She agreed. 

 

pbbbbttuesday

Yesterday was a weird day at work. Some folks just struggling with things that were really dysregulating for them, but also their defense mechanisms kicking in -in ways that weren't healthy, and they were not entirely aware of it either... I found it a little offputting holding space for it because it reminded me of me.

In one case in particular, reminded me of me trying to a good guy and ending up being a bad guy, because I wasn't honest with myself or the other person. It was yucky. I was thinking about that as I went home. It felt like it was crawling in my skin. I did some deep breathing and some twisting and some stuff I saw online about releasing cortisol... I felt better. 

I had nothing to do last night so I stayed up late playing computer games and scrolling. 

Something I read reminded me of M's kids, and how they would be like 14 and 11 now... and I felt sad. I don't know what happened to that family, but for a year I imagined I would become those kids stepdad... and so the idea that they exist somewhere out there still means something to me. What are they experiencing as they enter these ages? What is their relationship like with their mom?  What of the anxiety they were experiencing... are they ok? It made me wonder if M is still with the guy she started falling for when we broke up... (I attempted a brief internet stalking and didn't find anything)I know they lived together for a few years... was she correct when she said she wasn't marriage material? Did she make him increasingly insecure until he started acting out (like me and her previous two husbands? and her other affairs?) I know... now that I admit it to myself, doesn't sound great does it. At some point she confessed to me, "I wasn't just with that one guy, I was with another.." (and maybe a third...) it made me so insecure and suspect of all of the men in her life.  She always denied things -and I felt it... the guy she ended up with after me was someone I asked her about numerous times and eventually told her "he likes you, I don't know if you are with him, but it seems from your energy that you're falling in love with him." She denied it.

Anyway... old wounds, and yuckiness. 

This week is pretty light until Thursday's 6 appointments. 3 more appointments today, only 2 tomorrow. . 4 friday. I need to give myself a haircut.  Maybe go to the open mic?  Therapy tomorrow morning... they are cleaning our garage so we have to have cars out. I just got coffee down stairs but haven't used the amenities in weeks. 

Just got keys from JS for New York. It's exciting, looking at local stuff to do in the neighborhood, the local metro stop (I am flying into JFK I should probably figure out how to get to her apartment). I dunno... exciting. Probably spending most of my time in Brooklyn and Manhattan. I think it would be too much to go out further on Long Island... I have a list of things to think about. Nervous about the weather mostly, but just plan to walk and sit, walk and sit, see a museum or a park, walk and sit. I don't think I'll cook, but probably a bag of carrots to snack on while I walk. 

Will I talk to anyone all week? I dunno. When I get back I have a few days to recover. A massage scheduled for Sunday -then a very busy next couple of weeks with work  (25-26 sessions + if no one cancels)-which takes us to the end of August... I am thinking I need to join a dating site or something in September if I haven't met anyone. 

Haven't talked to my Dad in over a month. Haven't talked to E in longer. Life is feeling a little isolating. Still saying my prayers for folks daily... my little daily christian meditation book is gonna run out soon (or I will make it through a year) I was thinking I need an eastern one. Todays was just about how life requires both solitude and connection to feel balanced... well I have had all the solitude. I don't want to feel needy, I don't want to be yucky in relationships. I want to feel like I am investing and invested in. I don't know what that looks like but I want to try it.   It sucks lately that I am not feeling drawn or attracted to anyone. I've had clients who are late in life, or have had their sex drive diminished and they talk about how without attraction to others its really complicated to make new relationships... there is no spark or excitement.   Thats how its felt lately.   The magical thinking part of me keeps telling myself its because I am waiting for the one... but I know thats silly. Another magical thinking part tells me its because I am going to die soon, so its better for everyone that I am not connected. The state of the world has me down and I don't really see a way out. 

I saw something recently that was like -to balance the planet we can either kill half the population, or give up our militaries... and the billionaires would rather kill half the planet. It won't be random like Thanos, it will be the poorest.  A new wave of economics and politics is inevitable under these conditions. What will that future look like? 

I told my friend the other day, we should probably be getting back towards communal means, soup kitchens, working farms together... but I can't eat communal soup, so I'll probably die. 

South East Asia might be uninhabitable by the time I am ready for 6 months or a year abroad. 

Loosen loosen baby, you don't have to carry, the weight of the world in your muscles and bones... let go let go let go.

Beginning of August

 I always forget how hard it is to feel intellectually productive in the summer. Something about the heat -zaps me of thought, and motivation to put that thought to paper. 

I came home from the open mic the other day feeling inspired, but then felt like nothing I had to say mattered. I came home focusing on the things that are personal... or the things that are about the society at larger... and wondered if my voice matters, if I have anything unique to share or if I am really just adding to the noise. I concluded I was adding to the noise and should let others take up the space. I can just be a body. I think that has been a theme lately. I am a body at protests. I am a body and a wallet at benefits. I am a body contributing to the world, passing information on... but maybe my spirit and individual personality feel a little distant. I write this blog, to me... not really for anyone else you know. I haven't changed much in all these years. 

Today I woke up and had breakfast with a friend at french meadow. She kept telling me things I told her in the past and I thought it was funny that my mind doesn't work that way at all. We talked about the world ending, and our personal journeys with trauma, and talked about travel, and new ventures. 

I told myself on the way there that I shouldn't be so cynical and depressing. I've spent the last few days wondering what my role is in the end of the world. * Europe is experiencing tons of fires, heat waves about 100 degrees. They say all of southern Europe will become uninhabitable, meanwhile 50k refugees ran over the border into Ceuta (Spanish territory) to have entry into Europe. Meanwhile there is forest fire burning up a major city in Washington State. Meanwhile Haitians on TPS will soon be rounded up, causing huge chunks of the state of Ohio to suddenly have no workers... kind of like what happened in Nebraska. Meanwhile the actuarial tables around climate change say half the population could die within the next 30 years. Meanwhile AI is starting to commit crimes. Meanwhile sitting congress people are allowing the president to get away with robbing the country blind. Meanwhile a man was killed in Madison for raising a water bottle that police say looked like a gun. Meanwhile they are cutting medicaid, medicare and social security. Meanwhile premiums on health insurance have gone up because they are taking away the subsidies. Meanwhile the mayors of Minneapolis and St. Paul are allowing homeless encampment sweeps without relocating the people or providing shelters. Meanwhile there is still a genocide in Gaza, raids into the West Bank and Lebanon. Meanwhile the Straight of Hormuz is still shut down (which could be helpful for the climate issues), and the Red Sea is also being shut down. Meanwhile... 

The death cult. The changing into the next economic system... "socialism or barbarism, the people or elon musk..."  Speaking of Carsie Blanton I saw her last night at the Cedar and she looks the same in person. Its always funny how celebrities look like themselves... like people. It was a benefit concert for the 15, a mix of folk and punk and other stuff. I loved the music, kind of hated being amongst the crowded room. People kept backing into me because they were dancing and I felt bad for all the times I've taken up too much space. They encouraged talking to one another, and I felt like I had no desire to talk to anyone. Thats kind of been the story of the weekend... stranger danger. I went to a protest today and they also encouraged getting to know the people around you, and I was like... I'm alright. I probably looked like the FBI agent everyone was worried about. 

I had hopes that this weekend would be productive in some way. But it was high 80s, and I was functional... but spent a lot of time in bed and doom scrolling. No creative writing, though I had ideas. No reading... just been hard lately. No art.  I saw one friend, and attended some events, and got groceries and did laundry. Life is slow. 

I had thought that the thing I would be writing about is the feeling of being amongst a crowd and not being interested... I feel that so much lately. No attraction to peeps in a way where I want to connect. Like I am a little put off by peeps, rather than excited to see them. (Not people I know... though maybe?)  I just mean crowds, strangers, etc.  I think of how weird I feel, how awkward, how it doesn't feel good to make small talk and say hi to someone next to me, knowing it won't matter. I wonder how long I've been feeling this way... what is wrong with me. Maybe I need some ecstasy -not for social anxiety, but for social desire.  I am a curmudgeon again? I was feeling self conscious of my appearance throughout the concert. Everyone was wearing t shirts, punk stuff... meanwhile its me in my work uniform. Felt like I didn't have a freak flag, like I didn't fit in at shows anymore. I was once a more colorful person.... but I also don't want to keep up with appearances. I might give myself a hair cut this week before the trip... 

I am going to New York next saturday. My mom volunteered to come pick me up (5 am?)... I told her I had planned to take the light rail. So used to being self sufficient I guess. This week... open mic? Therapy. No social stuff planned. New York will be a week alone. I keep thinking... should I try to meet people? I dunno. 

I don't really know what I am doing I guess is the long and short of this. I feel like if I was in a relationship or had a family this behavior and doing relatively nothing would be acceptable... but I am single. The dishes are drying in the dry rack. The fridge is stocked for the week. The clothes are hung up. There is some mess, but nothing a few minutes wouldn't fix. No major bills. Nothing that can't be solved... There is half the weekend at least with literally nothing to show. I could have made more effort but I didn't want to. My life is kind of unmotivating and despite being so serious, its rather dismal. 

I can count my blessings. I have so little need... I have so much privilege. I have so much going for me... but ultimately that's not enough. I feel disconnected. 

I used to invite people over... I used to make people food... I used to organize activities, events, etc. I used to have people to talk to till 4 am.  All that being said, I also used to feel anxious, like I wasn't enough and was doing it wrong, still felt like an alien amongst a crowd, still ran away for days, months to have time alone. I wandered the world alone. I wandered the world meeting people. I am not sure whats next. But this isn't it. I guess that was my conclusion this weekend. This isn't enough. 

Dreams

 Just had a dream that E was pregnant. It was odd, like multiple hints about it in the dream, and then at the end like a “wait what?” 

But we seemed to be partners.  So I dunno. 

I don’t think I’ll be able to get back to sleep. But it sure feels nice to dream. 

Sometimes pregnancy in a dream just means a new idea or a change. Maybe it’s not for her? Maybe for me? 

After laying in bed another 20 minutes my mind drifted back to anger and drama with family.  I feel kind of crazy for wanting something I can’t have, and not knowing a better way. I feel like a brat, asking for things that would make me feel safe, like I could trust and respect them. I feel a great desire to be independent while also being lonely.   It’s crazy making. I know I am not entirely in the right, but it would be easier to remove myself (like leave the country) than to deal with it/ when I’ve already tried and it didn’t change anything. Maybe I need reinforcements, but the way the family is right now, my sister is fully dependent on my parents for daycare and likely money… any younger brother works with my dad every day, my older brother has fought these battles to stalemate half a dozen times and shared that nothing changed- he just didn’t want to keep the grandkids from them.

*Later in the day*

It is mid afternoon. I did two sessions then had my own therapy, then recovered and did another session with a client. 

In my therapy I basically regressed to a baby and hated every second of it. Felt helpless and scared. Felt like I didn’t have control over my body. Dissociated on and off. Kept going in and out of feeling like I had access to my brain.  Basically did brainspotting without trying. I cried, I shook, I stammered and bit at my fingers and thumbs.  I wanted to tear paper but found myself just folding it over and over. I don’t know if it had anything to do with my family stuff that we had been talking about, but I know it was the earliest body feelings that didn’t feel right. 

I imagined, though I didn’t want to say anything, that I was experiencing being a baby with a stomach ache that can’t be soothed or expressed. Or a baby getting a diaper changed by someone who I don’t trust fully. Maybe they are in a bad mood. There isn’t warmth or comfort, it’s feeling jerked around and out of control. 

And in the present with my therapist watching me freeze and cry and dissociate all I can think about is how embarrassing, I’m so nervous and shaky and I don’t want to be seen. I feel helpless and I want to respond to her, but I don’t have words, but I want to agree to the thing she is saying, but I also don’t want to. I am afraid. I know what is good for me, I know that she wants good for me, but I also don’t trust anything in that moment. Part of my desire to say yes is a fawn response, I’ll say yes if it pleases you. And I know that… but I also don’t want to feel alone and stuck in this feeling.

I want to push her away, I want to hide, I want to be anywhere other than where I am. 

There are multiple stories I’ve been told about my early childhood, but I forget them. I don’t have conscious memories. I have weird confusing dreams. For instance I know  I was abused by a baby sitter Or by their child - which was the story my parents didn’t believe. I was a baby with multiple bruises on my head and face… my mom was horrified. 

My dad tells this story about driving to mn with me as a baby in the middle of a blizzard. I could imagine he was anxious and upset. 

I can also just imagine both of my parents being tired and irritable and wanting to keep up with work, and being impatient with me. 

But in the session I didn’t know any of this, I didn’t have access to words or thoughts, and being watched in this state I only know helplessness, fear, and shame - a desire to be or do or say anything else other than sit with this feeling. 

And then on some level, I also know what comes out of that desire to hide. A desire to please, to keep people happy, to stay safe and avoid conflict even at the cost of my own feelings. Resentment, anger, controlling behavior. A desire to not allow others to harm me. Hyper independence. 

When I was with M, she would repeatedly go to these places where she was dissociative and not able to express herself. Part of me felt like she was lying to me and didn’t know what to say, but other times it seemed so genuine that she was just off, alone and that any support or comfort I gave wasn’t actually felt. Like she wasn’t capable of r receiving it. I am sure the end of our relationship was problematic for that. She just told me that she had disconnected when she felt like I’d left her, and I tried to reassure her I was right in front of her and she didn’t need to believe that story, but it was already resolved and suddenly I couldn’t cope with that. To be rejected and abandoned abruptly, to feel lied to and manipulated, to feel discarded so easily… and I became possessive and controlling and resentful. 

I can imagine her feeling like how I did to my therapist, like “I need you to not be present” I can’t feel safe right now.

I was able to acknowledge parts of that with my therapist. “Im nervous” “im worried you’re judging me” “I feel like I want to say no, but I also know it would be helpful,” “I literally want to push you away right now.”

And she was able to accept that.

With M I don’t think I was able to really accept that. I could say, “that makes sense” but I had my own need to be accepted. 

A week ago I was thinking about how I keep seeing repeated patterns, keep seeing the same people, different face, same energy, same person, g-d in drag… you know?

Today I feel like I was meant to run into these people. Feel like I’m meant to work through this struggle right now. To learn to be present for my baby self or my younger self… and stop self abandoning, and also be more able and present for others. More trusting because I can trust my own abilities to be there for me when it’s hard. 

I didn’t realize it… I was avoiding it. 

More journaling this week

 There will probably be more because I am trying to stay off social media and I don’t know what to do with myself. Just spent the last hour fucking around with watercolors. 

I don’t have much to say. Last night I had a nightmare in which my partner and I got into a fight with my step sister, and I became physical, kind of forced her to the ground, then turned her into an ant and stomped on her. 

I spent the next hour in the dream fearing that what I thought I had done was real, and also fearing that it wasn’t real and she was out to get me. I walked the streets at night, i looked in her windows to see if she was there. I half lied to my partner to try to give her the benefit of the doubt. I wasn’t ever sure if I was a murderer or just some sort of fake… and I was so scared the whole time… I was angry and acted out, and then spent my life in hiding. 

It sounds familiar. 

It was an awful fucking nightmare. 

I had this idea the other day, what if I didn’t change who I was around other people… what if I was just always myself.  Around family, friends, work… what if I didn’t present myself but just was myself. Some part of that must have scared me. 

I still don’t know what to do about my family. Some part of me is also mad at them for seeming not to care. My step sister was mad at me for not showing up for her… not because she was worried about me. I guess that’s the relationship we have then eh?  

I’ve been wondering if I want to share any of this with my therapist. If I want to be more open about scary things.

I dunno if I trust her. 

Today my ankle hurt for no reason. I hope it wasn’t because of the massage yesterday. It just seems less steady, as if I had just twisted it. Each first step feels unsteady, makes me feel worried about New York. 

Today I missed E. For someone reason I specially missed the walks we’ve been on- even in the time we were friends. I haven’t reached out, because I felt like she was pulling back. But I miss her. 

Not sure what is store.  Tomorrow consult at night. Thursday open mic. Sunday brunch with a friend. 

Should probably do something else too… but it’s like 95 degrees out and kind of gross. Maybe I should be utilizing the pool that I pay for??? 

Clearly I have run out of things to say. 

Braindead weekend

After a week of journaling and thinking about all my woes... this weekend was pretty dead. 

It was super hot and humid out. I basically stayed inside on my phone all weekend. 

Saturday took my mom out to lunch, and went to dinner with a friend. 

Today I got a massage and groceries. 

Cleaned a bit and did laundry, dishes, ran a few errands.

But didn't really exercise, didn't read much, didn't do any creative projects, none of that has really been appealing lately. 

It's almost 8pm.

The song "Waiting" is in my head. 

That feels right. This weekend felt like a waiting period. Not sure what for... I spent part of today laying in bed before nap, reminding myself that I can't think through my problems or develop perfect plans... to solve anything would require getting up, getting out, and trying new things.

I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do. None of my standards (coffee shops, movies, etc.) I thought about the lists of places I want to check out... but the heat (upper 90s and humid) felt so unbearable even in the walk from the car to the grocery store, that it didn't seem very appealing to be out there... didn't feel like socializing with strangers... really wanting the familiarity of the kind of love you don't question. Companionship.

Last week felt like everyone who was doing good was suddenly doing bad, or vice versa, or just more extreme?  Folks felt off. Makes me not want to invest in anything, can't trust the energy you know?

I leave for New York in about 13 days. See a few friends before then. Have therapy once... though I have nothing to say. Maybe part of me thinks therapy is a joke. 

One of the social media things I was looking at said, meeting people is really hard and when you go with the intention of meeting it makes it even more difficult, awkward, nervous, disappointment etc... nothing living up to your expectations -more essential is to develop a passion, be passionate about something so intensely that you attract the people who are interested.  

One of the difficulties of being a therapist is that you practice holding space for others and toning down your own shit.  

Its kind of a funny thing. I spend all this time trying to be more polite, nice, less needy, less greedy, and yet... that just shaves off any personality. When you make pasta you want the kind that grips the sauce - you do that by creating more edges, curves, spaces, pockets... when you want crispy potatoes, you rough up the edges a little so the oil can get in.   

Am I working against my own purposes? 

But all that to say, I don't really have any of those passions these days.  Spending way too much time online that's for sure. I got a little report that I was averaging 6 hours a day on my phone, so add in computer time and I could have another job or a whole ass family. 

I haven't really felt like making art. Writing is fun and I can get really into it, but it's hard to sustain. I am never gonna be a musician. I don't really want to organize with a political group... i like showing up for these visibility demonstrations - thats kind of my sweet spot right now. 

I think when I get back from New York I should start jumping on dating sites or meet ups or something. Need something to change you know?

When I got the massage today, I was thinking... I need to meet someone who is body based, intuitive, but also like open to spirit and what now. Its so nice to be attended to. 

I think I will probably start getting massages regularly again. At least once a month. Otherwise, I can literally go years without being touched. 

I know nothing will change if I don't leave the house... but I can tell I am waiting for someone to come pluck me up.

Tarot cards today, 9 of wands, 2 of wands, 4 of cups, 2 of swords, magician...

Most make sense... maybe not the magician. Maybe I'll get some crazy inspiration later and change the world.   The beginning of the day might have been a little more 2 of wands... the rest has definitely been 4 of cups boredom.  So stable. 

navel gazing

 

Today I am thinking of shame. Of shameful behaviors. Times when I placed my own needs over those of others, without consent, without negotiation, without knowledge or room for light. Some situations in which I have talked to the people, but mostly no. Things I sit with. Since I was young. Today I am thinking of apologies I want to give, but am afraid to. Today I am thinking of the ways I’ve avoided life because I didn’t see myself as worthy of another’s attention, or thought myself deficient, or settled for less than I deserved -like the truth, or presence, or shared responsibility, because I thought myself inherently flawed. Today I am sitting with these things, because yesterday I sat with an individual who felt the same way about themselves, and the day before, and later today, and tomorrow, and the next. Each day I sit with folks who think themselves unlovable, unworthy, and whose behavior shows this deep wound beneath, despite their attempts to hide, to avoid, to make the best of what they believe to be the worst situation. Today I sit with my own, because I fantasized I might run into one of those people who may not have done me right, but to whom I know I did wrong, and rather than focus on the pain they caused me, I criticize my own lack.  It would be nice to be redeemed.

I used to think that I needed Jesus for that. I thought that only if I live right, act right, pray right, I’d be worthy of heaven. But I taste heaven routinely… and still wonder if I deserve it. I know that Jesus was like me, angry at the misery of it all, and cried out that we know not what we do… and someone I get mad at him for dismissing our responsibility.  I used to think Jesus was the way, and so I tried to live my life in the light of day, good and honest and correct…and then when the sun didn’t shine, I found myself tempted. Still do. But if I am honest neither the day nor the night was entirely true. In the light of day I daydreamed about the urges, and in the night I pleaded for forgiveness more often than I sinned.

Today I was thinking about how this rigid belief system made it so difficult to relate, to understand, to have compassion for myself. How this belief system - didn’t teach what was healthy without judging what was “sin,” meaning it produced fear of asking for help, meant fear of asking for understanding, meant fears of being seen, for to be seen in your sin -meant condemnation to all but Jesus -and even he might look away in agony, not hold me close… and what could be worse?

Today I am trying to remind myself that shame is a momentary feeling, a collection of thoughts and stories, some of which may not even have been the truth. Maybe there was a different perspective, a different lens, maybe you took on the responsibility because someone else refused… let you feel guilty and ashamed, because you didn’t want to blame them. There are these reminders, these alternatives, this evidence gathering… and then there is also just acceptance. A part of me is capable of acting out in ways I dislike. I don’t need to condemn the whole of me because of that… I don’t need to make the assumption that my future is dictated by something I did as a child. I can just be… what will be of this moment? Will you appreciate it? Will you open the door?  And I can also recall and ask to feel the blessings, the heavenly. I can open the doors to that myself… I don’t need to wait, or be judged, I judge -whether I open those doors or not is my choice.

I can remind myself of all of history. Of the good and kind people, and those who were not so, and how history knows very little of the difference between them. That each person is a collection of all things, and that to reduce it to good and bad… isn’t really helpful. Those I am angry with, also do good things, love people, have positive contributions to this world. I think about the patriarchs scheming and murdering and wrestling their way into the Bible. I think about the Odyssey, 2700 years ago the people considered themselves good, bad, admired and blessed by the gods, cursed and forgotten. Their deeds, war, self sacrifice, rape, pillage, torture, defense of family and country… on and on. None of them better or worse than me… and yet my ego centric mind wants to make a distinction about how I am uniquely shameful and bad, or good with a touch of a wound.

Maybe I am getting too high and mighty, thinking I can judge the world and the people’s actions. Maybe the balance of assuming you know better, is that you must also wrestle your own trespasses. What is good? What is evil? What is just being human and doing the best you can?

How do we condemn things that harm us, without doing more harm?  How do we forgive ourselves for the harm we have caused by what he have done or left undone, without letting ourselves off the hooks.  I don’t want to fall into nihilism or cynicism, and yet I don’t want to condemn myself into not acting justly either.

 

 

 

I was supposed to have three clients today, 1 cancelled. 2 were self obsessing (like I do), and I saw myself in them. Sometimes that is the blessing and curse of this job. That you realize, wait, I am talking to a different version of me right now… I too have been this way. And it is easy to recognize then, oh hello “G-d in drag” as Ram Dass would put it. There is something so beautiful and crazy about the experience of seeing yourself in another. Sometimes it feels like connection, intimacy, miracle… other times like confusion, torment, fear.  

When I was fantasizing earlier about the person I wanted to apologize to, I kept thinking… I felt the anxiety that she experiences all the time, and responded by disbelieving her, controlling the situation, demanding grounding… and later felt awful for it, because she didn’t take responsibility for her own feelings/behavior, I doubled down on trying to do so. I had heard from her that she had experienced that pattern many times in her life. That she had become scared of her partners because they had become obsessive/controlling/ etc… and I felt that experience too. Afterwards, I had such pity for them, how they lost themselves, like I had… she had none. Maybe she wasn’t supposed to. I felt lied to, manipulated, betrayed and abandoned by her. She felt that way her whole life.

I sat with one client today wondering how I can get through to her that what she is focusing on right now is obsessive… and I kept remembering the times I felt like that, and couldn’t imagine that anything I said would matter. I simply pivoted to, after… you’ll need to take care of yourself so you’re not wiped out for days. She agreed.

I sat with a client who kept coming back to the idea that something was fundamentally wrong with him, maybe he’d be more successful, more capable, more able to be in relationships if that thing was fixed… I told him the thing can’t be fixed, that it would be better to focus on making progress and celebrating the things he feels good about, rather than focusing on some mysterious wound. I’ve felt that way a billion times, even today 1000? I could see in him this sadness though, this regret, what if I could be better? What if I hadn’t missed that opportunity, what if I had more capacity for love because that thing was fixed…

And all I was saying is, you wont get to better by focusing on the mysterious “bad.” Better is one step towards the goal… -do you want to be in relationship? Put yourself in relationship… do you want to work? Put yourself into work. Do you want sobriety? Focus on sobriety…  Instead we will focus on the mysterious “bad thing” and use it as an excuse for why we aren’t making the progress we want to. Do you actually want these things? Or are they just what you think you’re supposed to want?

I have been wondering about that with family… I want a family. I want closeness and connection. But do I want this family?  I always wanted to be a father. Wanted to help raise children… see them grow. But do I want to be a father?

Maybe I don’t know. Maybe I am lost in my world of living vicariously through everyone else.

On social media the other day, someone said their therapist had told them (of their anxiety), that the feeling they had where they did everything they were supposed to do but still didn’t feel satisfied, is because they were focusing on surviving life, rather than living it. Doing everything you are supposed to do to maintain, improve, keep it all together… but missing the sweetness of each of these things, because checking off a list is not life. Life is life.

I woke up late today (I wanted to be in my dreams) and beat myself up half the morning for wasting several hours of good daylight (because I didn’t have any morning appointments). Eventually I did some Spanish, walked to a restaurant for food, and got some work done… checking things off a list. But I had felt for so much of the morning like I had wasted life because there was valuable time and I wasn’t accomplishing anything.

I live my life by lists… trying so desperately to survive/be good in life, rather than just living life. Life is wild, it takes us in all sorts of directions, blesses us and curses us… and there isn’t a right way to live it. There isn’t something that I am supposed to be doing/ or have done… there is the now, and whether I am enjoying the sweetness of each moment, each mosquito bite, each watermelon slice, each overly humid and hot heavy itchy day, each relaxation of a muscle underneath the blanket, each hand held, each conversation.

I am soooo much more present in work than I am in life, and even then… uh I get so carried away with doing it right.

Oh well… this is my rant of the day. In my 42 years I’ve had this realization a dozen or a million times, taught it, forgot it, on and on. Life… sour, sweet, yucky, sexy, dull, rich… indulge in it all…

You are in this world, but not of it… as the Christians like to say. Kind of funky way of saying enjoy it while it lasts, but remind yourself of something bigger.

Tonight I am going to see Hamlet at a cidery... I think. An opportunity to indulge in life, will I enjoy it...

Two

It's around 2ish. 

I just realized I've been posting in the wrong blog for a week... oops.

I have two more appointments today that I will see from home. Next week looks like it will be a busy week. 

I'm a little thrown off right now because of the reposting thing... but I had been thinking about freedom. Freedom to be, without obligation, commitments sure, but not feeling required to stretch outside of my negotiated boundaries. 

I was thinking how nice it would be to be free of burdens and judgment I've put on myself. Like 'you don't deserve' or 'no one would like...' How that doesn't quite match up with my experiences, but I believe these old tapes anyway. How my sister's response was such a shocking revelation and demand of her own need, and not a request for relationship that feels mutual. Similarly how with my dad I am basically saying can you acknowledge that you're hurting me and take responsibility? and he is saying, "I dont agree, and can't." And therefore... I can't. Its a pretty easy equation right? 

But my whole life when faced with that equation, I've said stretch. I have a whole ass poem asking my heart to do so. Please try. 

I've been coaching others into setting boundaries, speaking up for themselves, etc... I had a client say today that she is bored and unmotivated because the world is harsh, and she has been self protecting so long that she trusts herself now... but does she know how to open up again?

I think this is the question I am settling. Can I trust myself to not stretch to accommodate others who won't stretch for me? If it's negotiated and agreed upon and given respectfully sure... but not out of obligation. 

I can't stretch anymore, and you won't either... so there will be distance between us.

In the mean time I will repair with myself. I'll try to be compassionate to the little kid inside myself who is sick of being an adult, and who didn't full trust that he could be a kid. I'll try to work with the teenager in me that wants the world to feel my pain, and I'll smile at him and reassure him that his anger has a place, but it doesn't need to hurt people. 

I'll try to grow into an adult who takes responsibility for his own feelings, needs, etc... and then asks for others to do the same. I'll learn to take risks, calculated, thoughtful, but genuine risks... so things don't get too stale. I'll keep being curious, and compassionate, and work on reducing my anger when it isn't serving me, but let it fuel me to create the changes I need or want. 

I can start to let go of my shame again... notice that nothing is promised, and that there is nothing achieved by slowing myself down with old bricks -when I don't even know what I am building. 

I'll day dream about building something again. 

I don't know what anything means. I don't have to be right. I just have to be true to myself... and invite others to do the same... and then accept that it hurts sometimes when we aren't compatible... in for a season. Then let go. 

Maybe it is time for me to move on? Maybe I need to travel the world again. 

Monday

 At 5 AM I was grateful, the light was peaking over, not quite sun rise. I said a prayer and went back to sleep.

At 6 AM I was aware of a blue sky and clouds, appreciation of opportunity, of a fresh new day. I said another prayer, went back to sleep.

At 6:30 AM  I considered that I might want to get up, since I kept waking in a positive mood. I turned over, and let my alarms do their thing.

At 6:45 I woke up from a dream in which I was engaged or married, I was amongst her family, there was some sort church component, something felt arranged, but it felt fulfilling. 

At 6:55 I woke up stil desirous of dreams and sleep. Not because I was tired, but because I wished to indulge. 

At 7 AM I woke up nervous, made a deal with myself. 

At 7:10 AM I was frustrated. 

At 7:30 AM I got out of bed, wondering why I'd let myself sleep in. I was already crabby. 

At 8 AM I was angry and defensive. I was trying to justify my actions, feeling like people were misjudging me. I was trying not to condemn myself. 

At 8:30 I was indulging in the hurt, in the belief that I'd been wronged.

by 9 am I was holding someone else's pain. 

This morning I was contemplating the consequences of my own actions.  Consequences such as isolation, loneliness, acting out. The repetition of a story in which I am the hero, or victim or villain. The repetition of the kind of story that happens in isolation -when there isn't communication or shared or negotiated understanding.

Trying to be good, to be impressive, has made me so dishonest. Protection of an image rather than what is real. How I have hurt myself and others sooo.

How ofte have I experienced things alone, my internal world, my world of dreams, of holding for others, of escaping and adventuring alone, of journaling... 

So separate, the place I am primarily is not in relationship    but

If I reached into the wound, the times in which I acted against others, and extracted that pain in the light   - would it change anything at all?

Or would I spent the next half a century trying to prove myself good again.

I wonder at what trying to be good has cost me? Is my anxiety just a symptom of trying to control the narrative? I can't be the best, I don't know how to show up honest, so I just avoid... or withdraw... so I don't have immediate consequences?   I responded to my step sister, I don't know how to be a good uncle... and could add, a good brother, a good son, a good lover, a good therapist, a good man. I don't know how. I try... or at least I think I am trying... it is not enough. I am judged sometimes for my actions, and sometimes for my inactions.  I have only the models I have seen, and read about, and I have struggled with them... sometimes because they don't align to my lived experience... other times because they insist nothing is  good.... and I want it to be good. And others want me to be good. But I can't be good. I can only be mixed, unclear, hypocrite wanting things to be better, but not knowing how to make them better.  

How can I love myself and others simultaneously?  How can I act with love, when I don't feel loved. 

My sister reaches out to say I am an idiot and throwing a temper tantrum, but she did not reach out to say "hey, it must be so hard... if you're not showing up, that must mean its really hard... how can I help?"

She tried once. Twice was too much. 

The consequences of my actions... are that I could so easily disappear and it would affect so few people. My current clients, sure. But that's just a role. My family... yes and now. A couple of friends. 

My friend reaches out to me from New York and says 'whats your address, I need to send you my keys." 

The keys and trust of someone's life... and I tell this story that I am all alone... its so mismatched. But the truth is also that I will be in New York with her cat, but basically alone for a week, filling my days with the things that make me come alive... and then going to bed without anyone but G-d and a blog to tell. 

Sunday alone

 I woke up fairly early. Missed E. Something about a weekend spent alone, going through my routines alone, preparing for the week alone. By 10 when church came on YouTube, I was ready to leave. Went to get groceries. The air quality is unhealthy again. It smelled like chemicals in the garage. It spelled like campfire at cub. Buying groceries for myself and it’s still over 100$.

I got home cut up a watermelon, a cucumber, a green pepper, a chicken.  Ate lunch and decided to go see a movie. Surrounded by people but feeling very alone. 

I liked the movie. Nolan’s version of the odyssey. It was entertaining throughout, but the thing I loved the most was the tie in to moral injury/ptsd - told through the god’s punishments, and the impending doom… whether it was of this world or otherworldly, it spoke of consequences for your actions external or internal. 

I cried. 

I left. I ate watermelon and did laundry. It’s about 6pm. 

I’ll make dinner. Maybe read. I’ll wake up to another week of this. Maybe seem hamlet on Wednesday. Maybe go to an open mic. Maybe see family. 

This morning, I wondered why I am doing any of this… what allegiance do I owe to this place and these routines, that sustain me but feel so lonely. Why not travel the world? Why not be more adventurous. And of course when I do those things I am also alone… but maybe seeing more than the same old places, the same people, the same tasks and thoughts… 

I dunno. I always leave in search of something new, to run from something old. I am very odyssean I guess. Maybe that’s why the movie felt real. Trying to be moral, but failing, trying to be a leader and take responsibility for others choices, trying to defy the gods, trying to find a home that you want to deserve, but aren’t sure you do. So you stay away with your lotus petals… wait for some rescue. 

Saturday

 My step sister called me out this morning. Mostly for not showing up. But also for not figuring things out… I corrected the story a bit, but agreed that I wasn’t doing a good job of showing up. I asked her to help with the brainstorming. How can I engage without it feeling like it hurts me, or causes additional burden for them.

I’d been wondering… am I just being self-righteous. Is it just a different version of the self righteousness that my rents have?  Not any different? But the more I’ve been thinking about it, no. I am not fighting for my comfort, or my ideals… I am fighting against things that are actually causing harm. And maybe they personally aren’t the ones causing the harm, but their attitude of neutrality, of “Hey I didn’t hold the gun against the back of their head” (I just didn’t say anything, and funded it… and maybe voted for it too). Their attitude of “its their own fault.” Their attitude of “both sides are in the wrong…” when again, were talking about a gross imbalance of power… We are talking about families being ripped apart, people in concentration camps, torture, violence, killing, intentional terror campaigns. Intentional retribution. You don’t need to be on the front lines to condemn the cruelty. Its easy enough to just not say “well… you shouldn’t cause disruption when you fight back against cruelty…” As in, its ok to fight back as long as your mouth is taped shut, your hands are tied behind your back, and you’re on your knees already. Sure… sure… neutral on a moving train. When they are actively harming my community, you can’t say you’re neutral. That’s as good as saying “I support you to your face, but I’ll never have your back.” Cool… well we know where we stand then.

When you watch a force attempt to dismantle the society you’ve helped build (undermining my country, my state, my city, my business, my community, my students and clients…), and the family you love -literally friends and family who are being hurt by this… and the future potential and opportunities of your own grandchildren… and none of that causes you to want to stand up.  All respect, all trust gone. When you double down, say you’re the victim despite the active harm being perpetrated on others… na… that’s just gross.

My sister called it a temper tantrum, pointed out there was no end game in this boundary setting. I said I tried to explain… they didn’t want to change. I am not gonna make myself miserable for people who don’t want to care. I am not gonna cry all week, while they pretend nothing has changed. Boundaries for myself… because I am not willing to be hurt when it doesn’t benefit me to stay in relationship. For now, I will have to love them from afar. I’ve been clear with my Dad. Maybe I need to be clear with the rest of the family… but I have also been trying to protect them from this. Tried to keep it between me and the rents… but maybe it isn’t. Automatically. I mean, I am mad that they would support people who are destroying the environment and the country. What world are you preparing for your grandkids? But even if you cant… why condemn those who are fighting back?

 

Wrestling

 Each time there is a family get together with my Dad's side of the family I am suddenly thrust into another round of wrestling internally. 

Its my nephews birthday tomorrow. 

What do I want to do?

Part of me wants to attend, to invest in family, to let the littles know I am around, to keep the peace. 

Part of me wants to avoid it entirely. 

Part of me wants to reach out to my step sis and say what gift can I buy, I can either stop by for 15 minutes or just send it. 

If I lived in a different city, or was on vacation, it wouldn't be a big deal. If I had something else going on, I could make excuses... but I live in St. Paul, and I have no life. 

Earlier this week, I was preparing myself to go. I thought: this will be the time that I show up, I am courteous, and then I leave. Do my part, while also acknowledging I am still unhappy.

Then on Monday another man was shot and killed by ICE, and I thought... fuck these people and anyone who doesn't condemn them fully. 

Throughout the week I have been varying between these positions. Do I stay or do I go kna mean...

I was hoping the "energy healer experience I was supposed to have today would settle it for me..." Help me to feel confident enough, grounded enough in my own experience and story to attend without fanfare. I was practicing it in my head this morning. This desire to say "I've been wronged, but I want to move past that." The appointment was supposed to be after work... I needed my car.

I went out to my car this morning and had the flattest tired I have ever had. Considered canceling on clients to attend to it, but every cancelation is the money I'd spend on tires... so -I walked quickly to work in the 80 degree heat of July... and made it a minute late for my first appointment. And cancelled my energy healing intake because there is no way to make it to the border of wisconsin without 4 tires. 

During the day of clients, I found myself considering and reconsidering tomorrow. I am nearly always doing this. But on one hand, I found myself wondering why I was avoiding? What would be so bad? a little discomfort, a little anxiety, no big deal. On the other hand, wondering how do I maintain boundaries for myself if I let other people violate them without even attempting repair. What does it say that they aren't reaching out?

With one client, I considered all the ways we hold ourselves back... talk ourselves into self harm, even feel righteous about it. With the next, how many missed opportunities, miscommunication without attempting to reconnect. With the next, the difficulty of being let down by parents who don't have the capacity to change. The push pull of wanting to be there for them, but wishing they had been able to be there for you...

Which story do I go with?

I found myself wondering if I need to start imagining my dad differently. Maybe imagining him more like my little brother, or E. As people who I adore, but who don't have the ability to work through certain challenges... almost like a disability. Maybe I need to see him that way. He could work through it, but not with his current level of resources and overwhelm. The very idea of thinking or feeling or acting differently is just too far outside of his scope or ability right now. Maybe he can intellectually get it, but he can't fully empathize or he would burn himself out. And so out of fear... out of self protection... he must choose this. 

I found myself thinking earlier in the week, what if my Dad is right? What if its just one thing and he can't be pushed and pulled and give up his center, to please others. Maybe he has a longer term understanding of history... maybe he believes in an arc in which injustice happens, but it gets corrected you just have to wait -almost zen or tao. 

I found myself wondering if I accept their version of reality, will it destroy my foundation? And do I need to take a stand for my version, my story. Maybe are competing narratives just can't coexist, and be definition mine will eventually take over, but in the meantime that Boomer generation can't give up their hold. Maybe he needs to be around with this particular story - so as to take care of his grandkids, or stay active... But I equally need to hold on to my narrative. In the end, I am right, he is wrong, and he will suffer the consequences of being wrong... diminished opportunities, kids that aren't as close as he'd hoped, reduced finances, isolation, indignity. He'll be subjected to the things I am fighting against... as natural consequences...

I came home after work... ran around trying to get AAA to do my car. AAA which he gifts me. I feel indebted to the gifts. Obligated by transaction. Doesn't feel good. 

I questioned my relationship with these folks... my step sister, in what way does she add to my life?  In what way is she invested in me?   My step mom?   My dad even?  

I don't know. I have a way I want to be in the world, and a way in which I can avoid... but I don't know how to hold strong while also engaging. It feels inauthentic, even more so than playing a role. SO I am still wrestling. 

Maybe my blown tire will give me an excuse. 

Maybe the lack of energy healing forces me to choose for myself rather than having someone else to point to. 

Maybe I am waiting for them to reach out in a way that isn't just guilting, but rather in a way of saying... I miss you and I've been thinking about what you said... and I am capable of change. 

Smoke signals danger signals hiding

  I remember when I was in Guatemala City being choked by the smog, the particulates in the air from the volcano... and feeling drained, unmotivated, brainfoggy. Last night I kind of felt that way as the smoke from the wildfires moved in. Felt like I was stuck on distraction, couldn't think clearly or be creative. 

This morning, I woke up to a similar funk. I slept just fine, but had already decided to work from home today... and its been a very slow drag of a morning. I woke up with sinus pressure and a headache. I woke up without an ounce of go-getter. I woke up thinking of the dream I'd had, in which I was realizing it was my last full day at work. My calendar for tomorrow was empty -except to clear out my office. And though I was sad, I also felt ready to move on. Excited even to start whatever was my next chapter. 

As the morning has developed... I've had three cups of coffee and an excedrin but my head still doesn't feel right. Starting to feel more energy maybe... but also kind of dire. I am thinking of my failures, of my freezes, of my not knowing how to move forward. I am thinking of the open mic tonight and how I am not sure I even want to go, because the air quality says "hazardous (AQI of 405)."  I sometimes feel weighed down by over 60.  I am thinking about Saturday which is my nephews birthday and how I don't want to deal with the relationship tensions with my parents. I am thinking about going to the energy healer tomorrow, and how the drive over there might deplete me more than the positives of being attended to. 

I am the type of mammal that hides deeper in the ground to conserve energy in the winter. That hides from the fire in a cave. That hoards and hibernates. And also the kind that wants to make changes in the world... and today I am definitely in the tails camp and not the heads...

Its pretty fascinating how this biological lack leads to difficult thoughts of worthiness, of existential crisis, of dread but also just letting go...  like whats the point?

But at the same time, I could answer that question with "Why not care or engage then..."   

conservation of energy...

My head hurts.  I am not sure if my first client will show up. I basically have like 5 appointments in a row, but the middle one I get to eat lunch, and I can kind of imagine others cancelling -because they may feel like they are in the same spot as me today. 

Its harsh. 

An hour or so later: 

After working for 30 minutes... life seems easier again. I wonder why I am holding myself back from opportunities.  Why avoid, why hide... 

Its so odd.