Rebellion

I woke up crabby again today. Watched church, couldn't relate... kept looking for excuses to turn it off. Got groceries. Did Spanish. Paid taxes. My Dad had asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. It was the first thing I woke up to. I grumbled about it all day, but decided I needed the exercise. He didn't get back to me till about 3ish. I was checking off all the things on my list. 

I miss walking around the lake. I need to get over there more often. I considered starting to walk around the river. I need to figure out a path so that it is a circuit instead of up and down. It was so warm out that tons of people were walking. But my focus was entirely on the conversation. Recognizing even while we were walking that I was not aligned, present, etc. I was waiting... eventually we talked about the ongoing fight. He did the same old thing. I stood my ground, gave my reasons, got self righteous. Told him its funny that he continues to ask me to be the one to come back and make amends or work through it. 

I told him I was still too impacted by things that are ongoing - to keep the peace. 

I told him I guess I'll just be angry for a while... and that's how it will be. 

At some point he was trying to convince me that my step mom didn't mean it the way I heard it... but I don't believe that. I actually think my Dad isn't convinced either... he just wants to play happy family, and I watched his face as he tried to figure out how to make a point to get through to me, or to figure out a way to problem solve his wife... and it pains him that he can't figure out a solution that works for him... 

I said, its funny that you come to me...you could ask your wife to reach out... if you think that she wasn't conveying her perspective well, then you can have her write it out and I'll read it...but I am not convinced. 

He said, You want her to have empathy for your side... 

I basically said yeah... I want her to recognize that her side was afraid, and backing people to cause actual pain and suffering to my side...  if that's the terms we are using. 

I know I am the kind of person who hears what I want to hear... and I also know my Dad is. And I also know that he says things to keep the peace. He is one person when we are walking around the lake, and another when he is with her.  

Its funny though.  I have actual righteous anger again... yes, like a teenager full of angst...but not the sitting around feeling sorry for myself, disconnected, numbing out anger. I might get some of that later tonight. But in the meantime... 

I dunno what to do. I feel like I am being petty sometimes... but also, again, I don't like that I am being asked to make the peace. I don't like that for the next month I will be guilted about it. 

I don't always know what I care about or believe in... but this one feels personal and righteous, and if its not a big deal to them, then they can be the ones who apologize. 

Its been so hard to just take care of myself and be part of things lately. I am feeling burnt out. But today I followed through with all the tasks (except poetry). I don't know what is next, but I am feeling like I am at least holding my ground. 

9:58 PM where are you now?

 

I'm sitting at my kitchen island, in the apartment my friend says is great.  She came over for dinner and watched a couple episodes of Shrinking, then got antsy and left. Pulling out of depression, but more anxious and energized. Who knows what is right for any of us. 

Watching shrinking made me cry multiple times and laugh a lot too. There is a longing that my heart feels right now, for something real, for some tenderness, closeness. My friend says I should meet someone in the elevator, and I can only think of how many times I've wanted to put my head down or look at my phone or wait to get the next one. Reluctantly eager? Eagerly reluctant? 

I have been feeling this loneliness for a while and I don't want to let it in too much. I find that I am spending way too much time distracting. Way too much time trying to get shallow needs met through shallow means.   But at the coffee shop today (where I also cried, for a different reason), I didn't see a single person I really found attractive. I didn't know them. I didn't really want to know them. My only real interaction was with a girl who has downs syndrome and said "hello neighbor" to everyone. She was sweet. I thought it was interesting that I could stare at a whole room full of people and not find a single one attractive. It made me wonder if there was someone wrong with me, or a validation that I really haven't had a crush on anyone new for a while. 

Life is harder that way...  The receptionist at the tax agency was very nice. I could have tried to flirt. but... meh. 

I tried to pay my taxes today and did it wrong. I got a little scared that I might have screwed things up but I think I can fix it tomorrow or Monday.  I got a little overwhelmed that I wouldn't be able to save enough for taxes... apparently if you don't pay 90% of your expected amount, you can be fined. I was fined already once... and I don't want that to be a habit... but it took me a while to realize that I think I can make it work for my budget, I just have to get in the habit. I am really not making much after all my expenses. It kind of made me feeling like I was doing something wrong. 

Then I went to the coffee shop and read a book. And it felt good for awhile, but then my step mom texted everyone about my dad's birthday, and instead of feeling the normal 'ok, i guess its a responsibility' I got angry, and kind of scared. It felt like another thing that weighed me down.  After reading a bunch in my book, I picked up two zines on the newspaper rack nearby, and read poems and stories and pictures from people who were driving/observing/reporting ice crap all these months. It was a beautiful little zine (two volumes), creative, inspired, funny, incredibly sad, moving, etc.... it made me cry. And it made me feel more angry at my dad and step mom. Where is the apology for defending the people who attacked my neighbors? My Dad texted tonight, and I don't want to respond. I'm sad, and angry. 

I went out to dinner with my mom last night. We talked about my siblings... talked about life... talked about how the state of the world is so ugly, that you run out of things to say. I want to ask her for advice. I want to ask her how to navigate this world. I want to know cheats and shortcuts, even if I don't take them. I want her to tell me that there is a path forward. 

At some point, it kind of feels like my relationship with my mom changed a little. She told me she believed in me and that I could work it out... so I stopped going to her every time I had a big deal problem... waited until it came up naturally. 

I guess I am feeling a little alone in things.   People text. I don't respond. People are reaching, suggesting, supporting, and I don't follow up.  The main character in Shrinking is so flawed and loveable... but everyone is annoyed with him because he is distant, avoiding, being reactive, consumed in his own stuff. 

Today I got a haircut. Paid 28$ and the moment I got in the car I saw that it was uneven. I was already irritable. A mix of low blood sugar and a thunderstorm. I got home and fixed the hair cut. I shaved this morning... so basically I look like a little white boy. But it makes me wonder why I am paying for shit... why I am trying to fit in. Why I am trying so hard to keep up with everything, and not really feeling all that loved or rewarded. I feel like I have been letting myself down sooooo much lately. 

Sure maintaining an apartment, and a business, but not exercising... not eating great... my sleep schedule is all over the place. I keep saying I am going to write poems and then I don't want to write. I have given up on guitar. I have maintained spanish. 

I see a friend once a week, and sometimes text with others... but I am not really involved with anything, not engaged for my own sake... doing my job, surviving... but not thriving like it might appear. 

I am lonely, and not feeling great I guess. Maybe some of it is the weather/headaches, but I can feel myself dragging a little with clients. Not really wanting to do my job. I can jumpstart myself into it... but I am not feeling all that good. 

I guess, I don't feel loved?  I don't feel loving? 

Last week my therapist asked me if I was somewhat dissociative. I was... it was a mix of me avoiding my own stuff and being overwhelmed by others. I wasn't grounded in myself. I wasn't centered. 

Wednesday and Friday mornings, I woke up feeling better. On Wednesday I wrote a poem in my head about wearing a slippery winter coat that didn't fit right. How people were poking and prodding and trying to help, but my arm would get caught coming out of the wrong hole, or it would end up backwards, because it wasn't me... I and everyone else was mistaking the coat for me. But me was somewhere underneath as the role/coat slid around me. No wonder I don't feel grounded... I feel suffocated. I feel prodded. I feel like people are grabbing at me. I feel like something is wrong and I can't find my way through it. A little kid caught in their clothes? 

I was thinking about how hard it is to be aligned with yourself. How hard when the president threatens to end the world, when the price of everything is too high, when a worker burns down their work place, or shoots the ceo, because the costs of living are just not tenable given the wages we make. My records show I should be making 8-10k a month, my bank account says... 7? I suppose I should look at that again. 

I haven't felt like going to church. Often times I watch online (like in winter), and then feel like its not that great. I wonder if I need to go in person. Or maybe try somewhere new. 

I know it would be good to do a class or something. I know it would be good to be involved, have a commitment on the calendar. I dunno what I am complaining about... I mean I do. I am living the life of a single person who is very used to that... but doesn't actually prefer being singly. 

E doesn't really reach out. Maybe its for the best.   

So often I get really inspired by like a good tarot reading or something...but nothing happens. 

I almost want more of an excuse for my misery than it is my own fault for not being more involved with folks. Maybe my standards are too high for everything. Maybe I am impossible to live with. 

I dunno. In therapy I was realizing that I feel like my "manager parts" are in charge. Not me... but the parts of me that respond to feeling too vulnerable or too ashamed... I feel like I am going through the motions waiting for someone to shake me awake. But just like other times in my life... I don't really want the people in my life to be the one that reaches out and grabs me. I don't want those relationships to change much... I dunno. 

I could imagine things personally and the world getting a lot worse before it gets better. 

It was funny how much my own stuff seemed like it was fitting for what others were going through this week.  

I think I can maintain. 

But I know this part is very similar to the parts of my clients who are 20-30 years older than me, and wondering ... well if this is it ... why try? 

Yeah... I dunno either sometimes. Henri Nouwen keeps saying that suffering and pain are part of it... that its what we should take to G-d... makes us part of a greater thing. Funny to choose pain and suffering... grace and love by way of pain. 

I dunno... I should probably go to bed. I guess I just wanted to complain a bit. 

Dream

 Just woke up from a dream.

In the dream I was in southern Italy, walking around a small town. I noticed at first that this town had a particular layout, then some familiar spots, and ultimately realized I’d been there before. A market is coming up on the left. There is a church over there. 

The dream actually began with the collapsing of a building. It was unclear if there were survivors. 

Along the way I had different travel companions. At one point it might have been someone I was trying to impress, because I was reading the menu for them and practicing my Italian or Spanish or something. I knew I only wanted chicken and fries (which is much more a Latin America thing).  

At one point my travel companion was very clearly k. We locked up our stuff together at a hostel or bus station, and then later in the dream she left as I continued to wander. It wasn’t until late in the day when I had taken pictures of buildings and art, of churches and the lake, and of people watching, the wedding party, the stylish folks, -and then the sun was setting and I was ready to find a bed or a way out of town - and I realized it was her lock on the locker. I made my way back wondering if I’d even have a backpack to grab… I got more and more anxious. 

When I finally got back to the spot with the lockers people were closing down. It was getting late. I eyed each person suspiciously. I went to the lockers and began opening the ones without locks. Some were empty. Some had small things others had left. And finally in one, I found all of my stuff, but no bag to put it in. 

It made me laugh. I was relieved. After all there was nothing particularly valuable it was just spare clothes and a journal and blah. I stuffed it back in the locker and decided to spend another night in this town I was rediscovering. 

I knew I needed to find a place to stay, and the first obvious idea was to stay at the place with the lockers (which had transformed from a bus station to a hostel). But the staff had already gone home. I wasn’t sure there were beds left, and considered just sleeping on a couch and paying when staff arrived in the morning. 

Another option was to book online, and I was going through the apps trying to connect but my phone kept cutting out right when I was finding the right spots. 

As I was doing this, I eavesdropped on the people around me who were also settling down and sharing about their adventures that day. One girl said she had celebrated Passover and gone to a ritual bath, but it wasn’t clear whether it was for Jewish people or Muslim people. She said it reminded her of her family and she ooozed a feeling of comfort, gratitude, nostalgia… my phone rang and I realized my mom was calling. 

I made the decision to pull away from the girl talking, even though I was intrigued. 

My mom wanted to give me some updates and I figured it was fair to give her mine.  She said something along the lines of -your grandma wants to clean the carpets after the fire. She is nervous that people will see them and think less of her. I remembered there had been a fire. The whole place had collapsed. There was nothing left of the carpet, but I tried to imagine my grandma lifting chunks of the walls to vacuum underneath. My mom threw in a comment that I didn’t quite hear clearly, but seemed to imply so maybe that’s where you get it (anxiety /ocd). 

There was a lull in the convo, so I told her my two big discoveries of the day. 1) I am in a familiar town and enjoying it, even though I didn’t realize and 2) my backpack got stolen in the funniest way possible. 

There was silence again. Ok, well I guess that’s it. Talk to you tomorrow. 

rolling my eyes and wondering how to get out of drama.

 

I keep waking up with that song “The Baton” by Katie Gavin in my head. Maybe it’s the bass and drums at the beginning of the song, a nice hook. But the song reminds me that I am fighting with my Dad and stepmom. So does the calendar on the wall. So does the Benihana and Chipotle gift cards in my wallet. So does my phone, and the AAA membership… and on and on. These are reminders of the fact that my Dad loves me, has invested in my life again and again. Has supported me financially despite always saying he is broke. Has supported my interests throughout my life even when they didn’t quite match with his. And in other cases (like earth day approaching in April) inspired interests in ways I didn’t realize at the time (he used to take us to pick up garbage on earth day/sometimes paired with easter -picking up candy). There are continued reminders in notes, in gifts, in the texts he sends asking me to go for a walk. There are continued reminders also in my own actions… the traits we share, and recently more so than ever in my appearance. I joked with him the last time I saw him, each morning I get to decide which of my uncles I look like today.

My stepmom is an extension of these things. A companion to him that has been present since I was around 6… so 36 years. Someone who cajoles him into things when he is being stubborn, who supports him in his hearing loss, who makes him more social than he might naturally be, and drags him out to try new things against his better judgment. Also, I assume, someone who adds an extra 20 when he is putting the card in the envelope, who adds a second message, who rounds everyone up for all the family meals and makes the home inviting. Someone who cooks all the food (unless he is grilling), and tries to accommodate all the special food needs.

There is also a daily reminder of the conflict. There is the news article that talks about disappeared people, the video of a fight, the song some international pop musician wrote for my city, the daily insults from the president. There are the people on the corner who are still looking out for vehicles. There are the areas of my city that have become memorials. There is an awareness that we are trying to move forward, while discovering the damage done. There are ICE agents in the airport, the joke of the country, but not a joke when they were here trying to intimidate. There are the wars we are starting now, that will only set off another round of migration. There are the families, the clients, my former students who aren’t sure where to get food, or how to pay their bills, or rent.

And there is also the insult to the injustice. The slap in the face that dispels the myth that we are in this together. The reality that my a family member basically said at best “I’m neutral” meaning I am against you and those you care about… the muddying of the waters and playing victim. There is the reality that there is not acknowledgment of the hurt, or anger, or insult, no attempt to apologize for the “difference of opinion,” and the subtle and not so subtle ways that the family dynamic insists that I apologize and make amends for being righteously angry. Justified in my anger. But what am I supposed to do? I can’t wait forever for an apology that won’t come. I can focus on the positives, play nice, and save face, while carrying anger, hurt and defensiveness in my heart. I can start another argument, and leave in a huff or be vile. I can avoid. I can walk away from the love, because maybe I decide that it comes at too high a price… is love without trust, love without acknowledgment love?

I can look at my own insults, the ways I have hurt and ignored, avoided or gone without acknowledging my faults and my responsibilities… blame rather than be accountable. I have done that. Maybe things will just be left messy.

There is also a part of me that wonders if this opens up to something new, something better. A part of me that can give voice to my pain, and say its justified that I show up for myself rather than downplay my feelings for the sake of relationship. Maybe this is me growing up, and naming that blood and custom, don’t make for a satisfactory relationship if you can’t trust that person has your back. Maybe I need to keep my distance to let them know that it was hurtful… because my Dad would sweep it under the rug for peace, just as he taught me to do, just as I have chosen to do countless times.

Even my Mom the other day, kind of said... well you're going to have to let it go to some extent, if you choose to have a relationship with him. Which she knew I would. She doesn't want me to be angry and avoidant... but I don't think she understood just how angry I still am. 

I find it interesting because there are so many parallels to my relationship with E. Times of being hurt and not standing up for myself. Times of feeling like I should bend over backwards to meet her needs because I was capable of doing so. I wonder, often, why if I care about her so much, I am not invested the way I was. Why when I saw her the other night, I didn’t feel relief fully. And I think the truth is that, I got burned, and learned to stop hustling to try to make someone else feel loved at the expense of myself.

Or at least that is what I am hoping to learn.

But I don’t know what to do differently. I still feel responsible.

The baton has been passed unconsciously, and I am trying to do my part in breaking the cycle rather than reinforcing it, to do my part which is more than the previous owners could do. To carry forward means that the person who passed it will fall behind, "I can't come where you are going."  

It's really bitter, sad, disappointing. I am reminded of my Grandpa's shortcomings and how I wanted more wisdom from him. 

I think if I had children -which I still hope to one day. I would have more understanding of how hard it is to grow up, when you don't have any sleep, and you're stressed and these little being need everything from you, and you have to acknowledge you don't have it... that on some level there is just a reality to accept. 

But on another level... there is something that just kills me about a parent playing victim. A friend of mine said that his mom was still wondering why everyone was mad at her, when she was the one pushing them away and betraying their trust... and he was just blunt about it... he told her that it was her decisions and she could choose differently, but I dunno if she got it.   That's kind of where I am with my stepmom... she makes excuses and blames others. Perhaps on some level she is holding stuff for others too... maybe there are secrets that she hasn't let out. But instead of taking responsibility for her stuff and letting others do the same, she plays victim and it becomes drama. 

I am so sick of drama. And I am hooked in it again, playing my role instead of just being me. 

Tuesday

 Last night I struggled to sleep. It was a mixture of having tea at dinner and too much soy sauce (Benihana at MOA). My feet were swollen and I was uncomfortable. Not in pain, but just enough discomfort that it was hard to fully drift off. I wasn't very present though. My mind was not cogent enough to put together any beautiful or creative thoughts, no problem solving, just a nagging. 

When I finally got to sleep, I woke up frequently. So I am tired. 

This morning I had a dream I remembered. In the dream I was going around to different places, at first it felt like I was traveling and adventuring. Eventually it felt more like I was grabbing things from different stores, more like running errands. And then I found myself running late for something. 

It turns out it was a math test. I felt nervous. Upon getting to my seat, I found out that the computer/calculators they were supposed to have given us for the test weren't working. The teacher shrugged and basically said, "do it without them." I felt overwhelmed, felt like there was no possible way for me to pass the test. I barely understood the material with a calculator... I'd been hoping to guess the random right buttons to press and muscle my way through the test to a passing grade... and now. I wanted to give up. I wanted to protest. I wanted to say this isn't fair, and it's not my fault. I wanted to say, fine, I will fail your test and see you next year (like I did in high school).  

I grabbed a paper copy of the test and walked back to my seat. Someone had placed two photo/journal albums at my desk. They were from former students of mine. They were not necessarily about me or the time I spent with them, but collections saying "thank you, we did ok... look at all that we have accomplished because you cared about us." I paged through the journals and letters and poems, not reading them but just enjoying how much thought and effort they had put into it. I looked at the photos, barely recognizing any of these people as they aged into their adulthood. But regardless. I felt fulfilled. I felt proud. I felt like my life had mattered regardless of whether I pass the math test. I couldn't have cared less. 

When I woke up... I still felt some of that residual feeling of accomplishment. Of feeling like someone thought I mattered, that I had contributed, not because I mattered specifically, but because they had felt like they mattered and could accomplish great things. It was just them saying hi, back and back and back. 

I went to Benihana at the Mall of America last night with E. It was good food, we walked the mall for 30 minutes or whatever.... caught up with how the last few months had been going. It felt good, and yet not fully connecting. Felt like there was stuff not being said. She complimented my hair a couple of times. I felt -not necessarily distant, but not exactly comfortable either. There was a distance... I guess thats all I can say. I am not sure what it means, or where it will go. But it felt both good to reconnect, and odd... like maybe we were entering a new chapter in which our spheres dont overlap as much. 

On Sunday I went to a palm sunday protest with my Mom and step Dad. I liked it, but also felt a little like... "our these my people?"  just a bunch of well meaning white folks walking through frog town waving palms. 

Saturday was No Kings, and dinner with Illy. 

I liked the event, but also felt some pangs of tremendous sadness and kind of a frustration with the whole thing.  Something like 3700 people were kidnapped from Minneapolis, and we are celebrating it like its over. Like the good white people stood up and now everyone can relax and be proud of themselves. Its not over. Its still impacting thousands... what are we celebrating? 

I wanted to write something more substantial... want to write about my hope or my desire or the changes I am going to make... but I feel kind of braindead. I guess the shortened version is that it feels like something big will change soon. Maybe its someone dying. Maybe its someone choosing to live differently. I dunno... I just feel like it wont stay this way ... and I won't necessarily have to force my own hand. Maybe that is like wishful thinking... but it feels like things are shifting, Spring is in the air? or something. I am not sure if it will be better or worse. 

Sunday Spring?

Yesterday it was like 70 degrees out and sunny. Minnesotans were out in their t shirts if that... shorts and dresses. The world seemed full of possibility, opportunity, brightness, choice and action. 

A friend and I got dinner, walking to the University and back, talking about what could come next. 

My friend remarked that I had a nice adult place. It made me feel good to think that someone might like it. I think I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I will be spending another year here. Yesterday I did some organizing. It would be easy enough to move again, but if I move, I want to know what I am moving for... I moved here to be closer to my office. I can't move my office until November at the earliest... so if that's the case. I think it would make sense to stay here for another year even if its really expensive. But who knows what could happen in the next 6 months. The news looks scary, and its difficult to hold optimism at a time like this. 

Over night the temperature dropped and cut in half. Its a gray day, and I didn't sleep very well probably because I had too much cajun spice on my seafood boil last night (trying new things at restaurants). I tried to wake up early and just couldn't get myself to face the world. I went back to sleep and woke up an hour or two later, slightly more promising. I watched some youtube and stared at a stack of Benihana gift cards I need to use by the end of the week. Feeling bad about my Dad giving me these gifts and then me wanting to pull away from him. Wondering who I could drag to Benihana on short notice, considering E. 

I tried to sit through online church and just found that it did not resonate, though they did sing a flight of the conchords song. For some reason church feels less the place I want to be lately. Maybe because E started going with me, and then it felt like a new grief when we weren't. Throughout the service I was thinking about her, despite the tarot reader (prior to the service) saying that a divine counterpart would soon enter the scene. Reciprocal, sturdy, grounded, curious, partnership. Fated... hopeful? I nodded along to the tarot reader saying "I know, thats what I've been asking for this whole time..." almost a little snarky. 

After I decided to end church early, I went and got chipotle with a gift card my dad gave me. Again, feeling complications... on the drive out to Roseville I thought about times with E, about making sure she got food, about taking care of her. Feeling sad about not having anyone to love, and not knowing what's next. I keep wondering why I am not reaching out, and keep reminding myself its ok if she pulls back. It's probably for the better for both of us in the long run. Its a weird feeling, to miss someone and to want them to pursue their life.  

I wish I was feeling more promise today, like yesterday when the world was full of potential. Today feels like preparation for a work week ahead. It feels like a cold and isolated Sunday. The kind it would be ideal to cozy up with a partner. But instead, I'll focus on what I have to do next. 

Spanish. That's what I have to do next. 

Then reading. 

Then work or exercise.

Then the other.

Check off the daily list. 

Make yourself dinner. 

Go to bed at a reasonable hour. 

Start the work week. 

Repeat. 

Saturday

 On Thursday my therapist and I concluded that I was am having an aversion to seeing my Dad because it felt yucky still. Not just anger, but some level of disgust. I wrestled with that for a few days, and wanting not to live into it, went for a walk with my Dad this morning. It was mostly good. We talked about business, about family, about politics and economics… toward the end, he asked. “And how are you doing with the fight we had.” 

I got quiet, measured my words, checked in with myself and said “I’m still angry.” He started saying something about how he had hoped we could work towards a solution. I said yeah, me too but I’m still angry and I’m not sure what that is yet. He asked for more clarification where is the anger coming from.  At some point, early in the conversation he said something along the lines of, I know you’re a resilient person and have gotten through a lot, so I assume you can get through this too. As he was saying it I was internally shaking my head, this is the manipulation, this is where he asks me to get over it, and come back into the fold. 

I told him my anger for him and ny anger towards my step mom are different. He said he didn’t see how their recent stuff (this fight) was that different, and I said, with you I know your stuff, I see it in myself, but these values even when I’m frustrated with them aren’t the deal breaker… I see the manipulation, I use that kind of manipulation… I know where it’s coming from. 

With my stepmom, I can’t. I don’t fundamentally trust or respect the stuff underneath. I didn’t necessarily say it that way, but I implied that I couldn’t trust or reconcile with that aspect. He tried to defend her, he said something along the lines of… well your anger- she felt attacked. I said, see that’s what I mean, she is the victim. She makes herself the victim every time,  even when she isn’t. He defended her again. Implying that I was overstating the situation. A different experience and perspective not “the victim.” I said she made herself the victim in the argument, saying that her fear was equal to the fears of people who are literally fighting for their lives, he tried to clarify, she was saying she was anxious that she might get in a fight with someone and was intimidated…. I said see that’s what I mean. Other people are fighting for their lives, fighting for their neighbors and she is making it about her anxiety. She is anxious, we’re all anxious… who is responsible? Who is to blame the for that? She implied the protesters were just as responsible…

I said, you’re literally making my point again. This is why I can’t be around her right now. 

He said she wasn’t saying the other side was right… (though she was during the original argument), I said she basically told me that if there was a war, we were on different sides. I don’t want to engage with someone like that. 

We were talking about whether there is room to have family time, to celebrate birthdays. I said, I don’t believe I can keep from being angry, I don’t want to show up and feel mixed feelings like I’m lying. He said that a birthday party is a place to put those feelings aside. I said people I care about are still being impacted everyday, I can’t just set it aside and pretend. 

It was the exact thing I worried about. It was my dad ignoring all the things I’d said three weeks ago, and saying… well once you’re done being angry come hang out again, implying that no change on their part needed to occur to make things right. It was my dad playing peacemaker and manipulator, and expecting me to do the same, when his wife never has…and it made me angry again. 

I literally told him this is what happens everytime I get in a fight with her, you come over and say… well she didn’t mean it, and she’s hurting… can’t you just overcome your own shit for the sake of the family? I spent an hour three weeks ago telling him examples of that from age 5 or 6 on… and that I didn’t want to do that anymore. But he did it again. This is why I am averse… 

I told him what would happen, told him I wasn’t willing to, and he asked me to anyway. Same story. I said no. 

mid afternoon blog

 

3/19/26

I know that it’s a combo of not sleeping well, and probably not eating enough, and then therapy too, but its felt heavy all day because of therapy.

This morning, I processed some stuff regarding a friend’s death, and the parallels with my dad, and past exes, and blah blah blah.

I cried a lot. I was basically crying on the way in, but also mad at myself.

I don’t feel like it got out of my body, but I certainly shared more than I’ve shared in a long time. Shared about the experience without holding back. Shared about feelings I have that I don’t like to address. Shared about still feeling some of them, all these years later. I felt witnessed… and that was incredibly helpful.

One of the surprising parallels was a feeling of disgust and aversion.

My therapist said we probably need to return to that one, and the yucky feelings kept coming to my throat and my stomach. I felt nauseous when I left… I honestly kind of worried I’d throw up. At my car, I did some very intentional deep breathing of the fresh air. It was better. But this whole notion that I might have to explore these feelings -not just anger, and sadness and hurt, but disgust? Shame? Aversion? Yuck.

I didn’t make that connection in the session… that disgust and shame are related… I made that connection after. That maybe I don’t let myself feel disgust at people (yes to behaviors or foods, or whatever) because I don’t want people to be disgusted with me, that’s a source of my shame after all. I don’t want people to feel less than… though I know that they do. Maybe people have told me I am judgy after all.

What does it mean to go back and let the judgment sink in, to be disgusted by people’s behavior enough that you acknowledge -I am sick of you! But then also know that it wont stay that way. Know that it will be temporary. 

Why am I avoiding my Dad?  Because I don’t want the mixed feelings and the disgust.

Why did I avoid ------? Because I didn’t want the mixed feelings and the disgust.

Why ------? Same… why --------Same… why… why do I let go of people… because I start to feel resentment, but also disgust… I don’t like the way this feels. I don’t like what it brings up in me (judgment/resentment/ego) I can’t handle the overwhelm of all these feelings… it makes me sick to my stomach, I have to run to the bathroom or get out of the room. I can’t.

So maybe there is a part of me today wrestling with this mask I’ve been wearing. That actually I do feel these feelings quite a bit, and put them on hold, and push them away, and don’t acknowledge them… until I am overwhelmed. Maybe I was disgusted with E when she pushed me away. Maybe I was disgusted with her for lying to me, or manipulating, or playing victim, or getting stuck. Maybe it was disgust that she would be so helpless. Maybe I was disgusted with her drug use and alcohol use. Maybe I was turned off… by that.

With K it became like that… I saw the impacts and it felt like there wasn’t a person in front of me, just a lump that can’t think or feel or name anything. A stubborn child who can’t help themselves, and is clingy, and needy, and making it my fault. B when she couldn’t eat, or would pick apart her skin. A when she was cutting, and doing the very opposite of what she should, J when she was depressed and couldn’t make decisions. Obviously it was the same with M, but I gave myself permission to be angry eventually... but was it was disgust that made me feel so out of control?  

So what does that mean?   If I can love someone and feel disgusted by them… I rejected myself for soooooo long.   I thought I was moving into this area of life where I could understand, and be at peace with everyone and their stuff. But it turns out I was just trying to avoid a stomach ache. A heart ache. Another headache.

I made decisions I don’t feel good about when I was operating out of disgust, not just resentment. It made me feel better than, like I could cut someone loose… and it would be their own damn fault instead of mine… and I would feel relief, and shame and guilt… but at least I wouldn’t be actively harmed.

Its funny how if I look at which words I get triggered by the most, disgust would be up there. G being disgusted with A… A client being disgusted with his sister. I balk at the word. Disgust for stuff, disgust for systems, disgust for germs… but people? That would be dehumanizing. And I guess it is. I guess that is exactly why I have tried to push it away, to downplay it… I am disgusted means I can’t be in your presence…and so I remove myself. It means I have to wash my hands (of your demolition)… its odd that phrasing comes to me right now when I am mostly talking about people who in some way were actively harming themselves.  With all these people... each of these moments was a feeling of “you aren’t taking care of the person I want to love, and I can’t do it for you… so fuck you for twisting me into a pretzel.”   Brene Brown writes about disgust that it protects us from the contamination of the soul…   

But disgust is what leads to dehumanization. Dehumanization can lead to hurting one another… dehumanization is the precursor to war, to ethnic cleansing, to genocide. Disgust is the root to violence without remorse… right?  It became taboo for me, and I didn’t realize it… and now, to acknowledge yuck… I am full of it.

Again it makes me sick to my stomach.

Cruise control

 Yesterday my friend asked whether she should move in with E somewhere. It would probably benefit both of them, but it made me sad almost instantly. I didn’t really even have time to think of the logical reasons, i was just sad. It would probably be good. But in my head when i think of it I see awkward times when i want to see one and not the other, or awkward times when I can’t avoid E if she meets someone new, or I dunno. It just melts into a funky mix im not sure I can handle. Further, this friend was lived with another mutual friend and it didn’t turn out good for them, and i ended up sometimes feeling in the middle. So maybe i should just put my foot down and say, I don’t think that’s a good idea. At the same time, life is very expensive and I’m not sure what either of them are going to do… and they are both people I love and want the best for… so if it happens, shouldn’t I be happy?

Life is very expensive. I’m going to get my taxes done tomorrow and I’m not exactly sure if I have everything I need… but tonight I was totaling up all the business expenses, and the total money I’ve made, and the complicated math im seeing from multiple sources… and I’m realizing that I am living far beyond my means right now. I mean… I have so little wiggle room from how much I am actually making. I spent around 16k last year for the business and only took in between 20-30k. No wonder I don’t feel like I am getting ahead. I have only saved between 1/3 to 1/4 for taxes…

For this year I estimate I will spend about the same amount on the business, and my living expenses are like 40k and with taxes I’ll need to keep about 15-20 thousand at least. And I just won’t have anything for savings. 

I woke up thinking about E. Thinking for some reason about our first date. How we had planned to read brene brown and how she had shown up unprepared and how it was awkward but really nice. And it wasn’t supposed to be a date, it was a book club, but turned into one. I think about how she showed up without reading… and I didn’t hold it against her. And how that is a pretty real metaphor for our relationship. Later while we were together, we finished the book with me reading to her. This morning I wasn’t mad or sad about it, I found it interesting. I wondered what a relationship would look like if we had both done the work before showing up. 

Tonight after stressing about taxes and not being able to find my checkbook, and running around like a chicken with its head cut off… I picked up some items from the book shelf in my room. Things E had gotten me for a birthday present years ago now. I decided one of them was broken and needed to be thrown away. I decided the other one should be returned to her, maybe he niece can use it. There is a process of letting go, I guess. 

I haven’t really talked to her in a weeks. It’s still hard. I’m sad. 

Today at work, I saw a neighbor(I haven’t decided what to call them, they aren’t coworkers… but I work next door to them) having lunch with someone. I thought the woman was really pretty. I found myself wanting to pass in front of them, and feeling stupid. There wasn’t any particularly feature, just inviting looking. It makes me think that I’ve really been craving a crush. 

I miss having a crush. I miss having a reason to want to get through the day or week. Everything is better with a crush, even if your heart or stomach get broken, it’s grounding into something exciting. 

Tomorrow I get my taxes done, probably it’s a learning experience. Then maybe pizza? Thursday I have therapy, Friday an old friend, Sat another friend, maybe my dad? I should stop avoiding him. I just don’t know how to claim my life right now. It’s fine. But it isn’t exciting, or driving toward something. I need something in the distance to steer towards. 

Gonna start the second foundation book now. 

Wish me luck tomorrow, hopefully I don’t owe 8 million dollars. 

Blizzard weekend

 

This weekend I mostly stayed in. I feel like I got a lot done, and also nothing. 

I didn’t really see anyone. I had at least two social engagements that I cancelled, and church was cancelled too. Today I woke up and watched snl, and got groceries, and finished a book (that’s two finished books this weekend- Andrea Gibson and the prelude to foundation). 

I did some Spanish. I started to prep most of the tax stuff and feel like I’m still not prepared. I sorted through some things and realized I have a lot more to sort through. 

At one point I found some notes E had written me when she was moving out. I’m they brought up that familiar heat of grief and sadness and anger. I decided I didn’t need them anymore. 

I think I have a lot of paperwork to sort through. A lot to clean house on… I feel like if I just took a week and sorted everything I’d feel more prepared for life and maybe for my next move. Things would be simpler. I think this whole tax thing will help with that. I think I should role my retirement accounts into just one or maybe two. I think I should find the piece of paper with the blockchain stuff on it, see if I have any money. 

I think I should throw away a lot of random things that I’ve been holding onto for sentimental value, or maybe just to prove I existed. That’s maybe something new I’ve figured out as I have gotten older. I care less about proving that I was here. I have no children to go through old journals and try to figure out who I was, Ive been a teacher and a therapist, two jobs that are about the other and less about yourself. I have so many little trinkets and things I’ve bought or been given, half of which I don’t recall the true context of. My memories are fading, and I don’t really care all that much. I was thinking today- when I couldn’t recall a word, that when older folks have that happen they seem to get nervous… and maybe I just don’t care that much?

Maybe that’s what happens when you spend so much time alone, you become more content with your youness, and less interested in proving yourself from moment to moment. I think E taught me a lot about not having to hustle for your worth. 

There are things I want to simplify so that if I died it would be easier to comb through it. To say these are the important financial things, these are the people to call, etc. but as a human life… meh.

Numerous times this weekend someone orders dominos and I just wanted pizza all weekend, but i ate a lot of veggies today instead. I didn’t really exercises I’ve been slipping on that. I wonder when I will satisfy this pizza craving. Maybe Wednesday after taxes… it will be like my treat to myself. 

I did some basic math and realized I’ve been making around 6k a month and spending at least 3.5 on just the monthly bills, so it makes sense that I feel broke. I’ve been saving on average 1k for taxes… but I probably need to start saving more than that. 

I keep wanting to take a vacation, but it just doesn’t make sense if I’m barely getting by. 

I know that it’s because my office and apartment are too expensive. I could probably save at least 300 a month for each, if I was willing to put in the work to move again. I feel like this year I will move one of them… it should be my home. But it’s just such a hassle. 

Yesterday I got kind of depressed, slept a lot. Today has been better, but I’m still tired. It’s gonna be a busy Monday, Wednesday is basically a half day with the tax guy in the afternoon. Friday is also a half day and I’m hanging with an old friend. 

Thursday therapy in person for brainspotting. I’m already not wanting to go. 

I’ve barely talked to E in like the last 5-6 weeks? I feel like either she is super invested in work, or she is sick again, or has moved on and is dating someone. I hope it’s the first and the last. 

We broke up October of 2024… that was a long time ago. I need to move on. One of the tarot card readers on YouTube said to stop comparing yourself to others, eg don’t compare timelines for business or relationships etc. he kept saying, you know more than you think, you’ve learned a lot, you have experience and when the time is right you might rocket past them. When it’s time you’ll know it. Another said to practice surrender this week. 

I feel like I need someone to anchor me back into my own life. That’s what it feels like. I miss E tonight. Maybe that’s what a weekend alone gets me. Anyway…

Winter blues/ grays?

 

I just called a psychic hotline, twice. Two different readers. I didn’t believe it.

I didn’t ask specific questions, and didn’t get much that resonated. One said I might meet someone in June or July with an A name, a cancer sign. The other said someone might come back into your life, and maybe someone in the next month who is blonde.

Generally,   feel kind of disappointed.

I feel like I am addicted to intense emotions and when I am not in them… it’s just blah. I was half heartedly journaling today about how once work is done I just come home and do nothing. I make myself dinner, I watch the news, I do some Spanish, I play on my phone until I am asleep. I wake up and do it again. It’s like 5 days a week of this at least. Its not replenishing, but it doesn’t deplete me - and it feels like it keeps me sane. I have a hard time imagining or brainstorming what to do about it.

I think that’s part of why I reached out to the psychic hotlines, some idea of maybe there is an outside source that can tell me what’s next. Give me a heads up… and on the phone I felt my spirit drop, because almost instantly I realized how I was asking some stranger who isn’t invested in me to give me direction rather than trusting or engaging with myself.

But I feel like I am struggling to engage with myself. I have feelings all day long. Big feels, small feels, thoughts, movement. I get to experience stuff that most people don’t, vulnerability, insecurity, validation, seeing someone conquer their fears or step up to challenges. I brainstorm, I use creativity, I connect. But its also all totally fake… as in… I step into a role and then out of their lives.

Yesterday a client was talking about their grief over the death of someone they cared for. That person had only been in their life for like a year and a half tops, and they shared that they felt like an imposter to have such big feelings when the people who had known them for 15 or 20 years might be struggling even more… and we clarified that that their imposter syndrome wasn’t real, it was a mechanism that tried to push down other feelings… jealousy, envy, grief over the time that was supposed to have existed.  The client shared, I had pictured this person at 50, and imagined they’d be part of my life for a long time… and now I don’t get that.  Its unfair.

Part of me wanted to intellectualize too.  Hey… you step in and out of people’s lives… you don’t get to know the whole of them, and they don’t get to know the whole of you… but you can cherish the bite out of the timeline you get.

But I didn’t say that… not in the moment. The client was having a hard enough time just accepting that their feelings were valid and that they didn’t need to push them away… they didn’t need a new intellectual way of understanding… they needed permission to feel more fully.

If there is a truth to my Saturday afternoon, what is it?

I am avoiding doing my taxes.

I am not sure what is to come… and it pains me everyday that we could have a better world but we choose not to.

I could invest more heavily in work, but I already know it won’t make me happy so I am trying to tow the lie between stepping in and being swept away by the current of workaholism…

I need to find more things to do, that aren’t so emotionally draining, and are socially based. To have time with others that just feels good, and active but not emotionally.  Maybe jump back into a class?  

A friend just called and I basically cancelled plans for the night so I could lay in bed and do nothing. I am not sure why I am feeling down, maybe it’s the impending snow storm and a desire to conserve energy. I should probably go get groceries tonight. I don’t really feel like it. I had been considering getting a gyro, but that sounds too heavy. Maybe its chicken noodle soup kind of night. Maybe popcorn and a movie.

I just kind of want to know where my life is going. It’s very hard to invest in things when you don’t know what the world will be like, or if you can depend on stuff. I keep thinking about how I don’t want to hang out with my Dad right now, like there is an aversion because I am angry at them and kind of just annoyed in general, and then I think about what would happen if he suddenly died, and how horrible I’d feel. You never know how much time you have with people. Maybe that’s why I am feeling sorry for myself… maybe I am struggling with my own grief. Maybe I am thinking of the bites of people’s lives I’ve enjoyed, and wondering what I can expect now, and wondering why I am never satiated.

Its been harder to follow through with stuff lately. Maybe because winter is dragging. Maybe because the sociopolitical climate and my extra time and energy has been going to protests and mutual aid. Maybe because I don’t have any consistent love investing in me in a romantic sense. One of the psychics said ‘you do better in love…’ I agree now can we make it sustainable?

I know that part of life is just making a claim and seeing what happens. As in… I should just say, “hey I am going to Mexico City in September…” or something, and then make that happen. Maybe I should try to be a digital nomad, do telehealth appointments and stay the month, travel on the days or times I’m not seeing folks. Maybe I should buy a house. Just commit to an area of the cities, call it Roseville or something, and then meet the neighbors, and then build a business around that area, and volunteer or join the community in a real way.

Maybe I should get on these cholesterol meds, and maybe a different stomach med, and see if I can get healthier and feel like I have more energy.

Maybe I should become a spiritual director person, at least get the certificate so that when I dabble in therapy it has its place. Maybe I need to commit to my church, which I just haven’t felt as invested in lately… probably because they are doing a pledge drive. Maybe I need to join a dating site.  One of the psychics said to do it, the other said that isn’t how I will meet my person. Maybe I should take an adjunct job so that I can teach again. Or start workshops. Or learn how to do adult groups like my neighbor at the office does.

The shift in energy certainly is related to my body, I have a stomach ache… I feel kind of drained, almost like I’m getting sick. I woke up feeling a bit groggy and headachy, but by the time I left I was actually excited about the day. Maybe I should have gone for a walk with my Dad, but I was excited to try to do some writing and reading… then gradually I just got more and more annoyed and brain foggy.

This morning I had been listening to Nirvana and feeling like all I needed to do was think about something any little thing, and then find a metaphor, and then write a poem, and then everything would be better.   At the coffee shop I finished Andrea Gibson’s last book, and cried… and then I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to say. There were voices and music playing and none of it was aligned with me… even right now, I am thinking about how grateful I am to have had so many people reach out and say hi, try to reassure me, ask me for my time, and how in each of these, some part of me felt like ---ughhh its so much work to try to be known, to accept the invitation to connect. My friends love me, want me in their lives, and sometimes I am like… yeah, but…

And I know a lot of it is because I only feel like I am valuable when I am playing a helpful role to them. What am I when I am just hanging out?  I think about when I went to see B in England, and how I was determined to make her feel better. But I couldn’t. And how later when I went to see her and her husband, I felt like I was a cling on, not just a third wheel but like toilet paper stuck to a shoe. Tonight, I don’t really wanna see my friend (I) because I know she isn’t in a great place, and I feel like I’d bring her down even more.  Talking to (P) on the phone yesterday, his wife and kids in the background, preparing for their Friday night ritual… and he says he loves me, and I am welcome, and come out to see us… and I feel like I’d be the weird uncle coming to stay and not know how to interact… / performing a role of safe adult, rather than being myself the whole time.

I’ve had this thought for several weeks that I am not exactly getting to be my true self much in my life. I often point to the IFS ideas of the C’s and P’s…. I guess I get to be some of them, but not all of them…  compassionate, calm, confident, curious, courageous… at work.

Creative and connected… again only at work. No wonder I drift into the role so easily.

Patient, present, persistent, playful  again only at work. Where do I get to be these in my life consistently?  I dunno.  Even at work, its based on the other energy, not necessarily mine.

I asked G-d to use me, and I am useful… but again, I think I need more than that. How do I build a life that feels like more than that? And aligned, and hopeful.

 

I keep thinking about how dreadful our society is right now, and wonder if it is time to build alternatives. My old coworker (A) sent a song to me and V yesterday, about turning off the news and building a garden to see what is real. I feel out of touch with what is real… despite dealing with the heaviness of reality every day.

I dunno what else to say… I feel like I might need to go to bed for a few hours. Maybe the Excedrin wore off and I am actually sick today. I do feel kind of achy.

Anyway. For now.

 

I told myself I’d journal… since I am not doing the things I should be doing. Getting back to P, reaching out to medicare, emailing the prospective client back. It’s a Wednesday. It is sunny but cold. I have basically had the afternoon off, though I have a client in 30 minutes.

I did some Spanish, and caught up on paperwork, and watched a lot of crap on youtube/Instagram.

The verge of spring has me feeling optimistic about the future, there is something in the air lately, feels like people are being challenged and coming through. Feels like we are rising to the occasion despite the world feeling full to the brim with horror.

I find myself hoping for some big change that sets my path in a new direction… or furthers whatever my ambitions are. I am not sure what it is I am looking for, I am not certain that I am making the space to find out.

I feel like if I slowed down enough to name what makes me feel like I am acting from self, from integrity, from my soul path, then I’d feel like I was letting myself down -at least half the time… like I would create expectations and feel like I wasn’t meeting them. Right now, it feels like I am meeting the unstated ones at least part of the time. Finding joy and amusement, finding creativity, finding flow in my work at least. The time after work feels slow and draining and unproductive, and disconnected. I want to go to bed by 8pm but find myself staying up late on my phone. I listen to the news and feel like I know what is going on, but also feel disconnected and avoidant of getting involved.

I look towards the immediate future and see things I need to do, and know that I will get them done. I can check off a list. But add a few months… what do you want to be different in the next year? The next 5 years? The next 10? 

I asked my little brother that yesterday as he turned 40. My little brother is 40. Remember when he was 17? Remember when he was 7?

I am not sure how I want to go about maintaining, improving, returning to family boundaries. Last night I had a dream in which I was at a family gathering. I caught myself wondering when I had let the boundary slip and why it didn’t seem to make any difference. Like maybe I had already made my true self to be know… or maybe I’d returned to being a kid.

I have a lot going on next week. Taxes, therapy, time with friends and family, work.

My brother  and I briefly alluded to the feeling of … what have I accomplished? (optimistically, half way through our lives?) via texts. 

I was thinking its easy to look at the downside, to discount your accomplishments, EG my apartment isn’t something I am boasting about… my business is just a thing…  but I am also reminded that in the last week or two I’ve had half a dozen friends reach out just to say hi. That has to mean something right?

There is community and belonging, even if it feels at arms length. I don’t know how to bring it in for a hug. I am not sure what I am supposed to do next to make that hug feel right.

I keep waiting for someone to pop into my life to fix me… even though I know that’s not a thing. But it would be nice to share the load -I guess. To not make every decision by myself.

So I guess I am saying, I feel loved, and optimistic… and more than in the past I love myself and I am proud of who I choose to be… but also still wondering, still looking, still not sure how to proceed.

Trust

 I kept having dreams all night about setting and maintaining boundaries. It was really odd. Nothing as dramatic as that one, but it felt like every single interaction was about setting boundaries and feeling like my trust in someone was in question.  

Made me wonder what today would bring.

So far nothing, except a lot of feelings at the doctors office. See most recent post. 

I dunno I am avoiding paperwork, but today feels pretty good. 

Went for a walk, got one more appointment. 

Been crying in my office about all the people who try so hard even if they relapse. Makes me think of too many loved ones who have or are struggling.

A friend and I have been talking about asphyxiation cognitive dissonance, and the politics of death… 

She wants to move to France. 

I feel it. 

To K

I didn’t want to leave this on your Facebook page.  I was at the doctor today getting blood work done, remembering your fear of needles, as my palms began sweating. Scared about results, scared and mad at myself that I haven’t been taking good enough care of myself. Still some anger at you for the same. I worried, if I’m honest, that I would die like you did. That my neglect would mean the routine becomes dangerous. 

 An hour later, I was thinking of all the moments in which you did your best, how many minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years in which you did your best, despite the difficulties and the fear. Chose to love life, to be grateful, to connect, to be creative and giving… those moments matter. I spend so much time dwelling on all the worst things. I forget to thank you and celebrate the best. 

4 am

 It’s been difficult to go back to sleep. It’s 4 am, I’m thinking about the future. I heard today that my apartment basically adds a 3% increase each year. Which means I should be looking for a new home by summer. I moved in August, and I think I have to give them a little notice… I dunno. I don’t really want to move, but I also feel like I’m paying too much both here and for my office. The difficulty with moving the office is that I have all these insurance companies and government entities all with that address. So it would be a lot to switch so soon. My lease for that place is a year and a half I think. I can’t recall. 

I was thinking about how many clients I have where I haven’t been paid by insurance in a while. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. I feel like I’ve tried to streamline everything and therefore when stuff slips through the cracks I don’t even notice. I’m sure there are clients I’m seeing weekly that I don’t get paid for. Not sure who to call or what to do about it. Maybe it would be worth while to pay someone else to handle it. 

I have taxes coming up. I have not made an appointment with the guy. I don’t have any desire to pay taxes to this government. 

I feel like I’m in a bratty mood, where I’m trying to get away with stuff because I feel justified, but that doesn’t mean it’s technically by the books. Calculated risks that could blow up in my face. I’m just sick of being beholden to systems that don’t make sense. Insurance doesn’t make sense. Our government doesn’t make sense. 

But I hate the idea of leaving my clients high and dry were I to mess up. 

I keep thinking about the fact that if I died, they wouldn’t know. I need a system for that. 

I’m going to the doctor tomorrow. I scheduled it as a physical, and I’m worried I wont get assessed properly. I mean, I want to know if I’m on my way to being diabetic, if my heart and lungs are ok, what to do about the swelling in my feet, the 20 years of acid reflux. 

But I scheduled with a doctor who had availability, not someone I’ve seen before and who knows…

Money, taxes, health, responsibilities, frustration with the state of the world… and weird ass dreams that make me distrusting… great. 

I have therapy on Thursday. 

I guess I’m just complaining because even though my life is fine, some days it feels like I hit a new plateau only to feel like what’s the point?

A friend asked me to go out and meet people tonight. I had zero desire. Another friend asked me yesterday if I get lonely and hopeless sometimes, yup. 

It’s 4:13… I want to trust that things will be ok… but the news is soooo depressing. It makes me want to run away to the woods or something. Where is the safe place to get away?  Maybe Argentina. 

I know I have skills that translate, but maintaining the credentials and certifications and insurance and all that… the professional standards. Seems stupidly exhausting. 

Maybe I should be a life coach. Or just join one of these programs that shuttles clients your way. Or go back to a job instead of having my own thing. Someone else to manage the money side. 

Bizarre nightmare

 I just had this weird nightmare. 

In it, my wife or girlfriend was having sex with another man, it was actually supposed to be like a foursome thing, and I felt excluded when she switched up the expectations without communicating. I spent most of the dream wandering around our hotel, looking to see if she had even done a background check on the guys (I guess they were escorts?, whether they were clean, etc. I found evidence that they were kind of shady, and on top of feeling excluded, I felt betrayed, jealous, angry. 

At some point I may have left to get food or something, as my wife or girlfriend dead completely oblivious to my presence. 

At some point I asked them to leave, maybe by gunpoint. 

When my wife woke up, she asked where they were and I began to explain that I had felt really uncomfortable, left out, lied to etc… she became defensive and started to name that it was my fault, and that this was something she needed and I should be supporting her. I was getting furious. And eventually it became clear that we would break up. I felt like I saw both scenarios- of continuing to fight, and getting up to leave in the same moment. 

I woke up wanting to fight someone. 

I say this is bizarre because nothing like this is remotely similar to anything I’ve experience. Well, maybe the being turning on in fight when I’m trying to share my feelings of being wronged… but the entire scenario is completely foreign to me, and it felt so real. I don’t even have a girlfriend or wife. I have never wanted to share my partners… anyway. It makes me wonder if it was someone else’s story or dream… it be like that sometimes right?

Or if that is like the best my mind could do to represent feelings of betrayal that maybe I didn’t vocalize in the past?    I dunno.   Nothing I’ve watched or read or anything has anything to do with this. 

the value of humans Argument part 4? I can't remember... oh and AI and the future.

My dad reached out to me today and asked if I wanted to go for a walk tomorrow. I am considering it. 

I responded to him, we could, but I am still angry. 

He asked me a number of assumed positions, "angry you didn't feel heard? angry that you didn't feel any empathy for your cause?  Angry that our perspective is different?"

I replied yes, and more.  

I took irritation with the way he asked the questions. It's one thing to predict/assume and try to demonstrate empathy by understanding what someone else might be experiencing... it's another when you use terms like "your cause" -which distances and minimizes given the context.

My cause is humanity, what do you mean? 

At the exact time he was texting, I went to Raising Canes on the twin cities campus, passing one hotel that was protested and disrupted because they were housing ICE, and while there, walking to another. The only indicators of any disruption what's so ever was one of those police monitoring things. It fit into the busy area and didn't stand out. The other hotel had their curtains drawn on the front side of the building, but one could easily blame that on the sunny weather.  Whether it was insurance or whether the damage wasn't extensive, there was literally no impact within a day.  That can't be said for those whose lives are upended. 

I did the little walking tour, because I was homing in on the moment in which I became furious during the argument a week ago. The first moment (there were a few).

I brought up the impacts of the occupation, they argued that it might be offset by the spending ICE did, I pointed out that it couldn't do that, and that the impacts were not spread to those hurt by the federal government. My stepmom shifted the focus to the *bad people on both sides. I was thinking about the way she did that, shifting the narrative from immigrants being hurt and agents doing the hurting, to a narrative that centered herself.  

"I am afraid to go out because of the protestors" "I saw the damage they did to a hotel." 

That moment made me furious in an instant and I couldn't even name why in the moment. In hindsight I identified basically three things A) you made yourself the victim (which brings up our relationship/family history), B) You equated your fear as being the same as those who are hiding for their lives, and C) you stated that property is more valuable than humans. 

I got up at that point, ready to walk out, but I continued to argue, shaking in my anger, and that's when the conversation shifted to Alex Pretti and Renee Good, and my stepmom and dad both saying that they were in essence responsible for their own deaths because they shouldn't have been present, or interfered, or had a gun.  Bringing up a D) those who stand against injustice are in the wrong and deserving of death (which was implied not stated), and that those who carry out the injustice are not responsible (again implied). I argued amongst these statements that being shot 10 times in the back is absolutely not justified and the implication was wrong, and that the fact that there is no investigation is a demonstration of who is in the wrong and should be held accountable. They continued arguing. I walked out because in that moment it became enormously clear that they were in essence backing the fascist government and the propaganda they have seen rather than acknowledging that the government should be held responsible.  

So 

A) making yourself the victim, and centering the narrative on yourself  

B) equating the minor consequences to yourself to the enormous impacts on others

C) stating that property is as important or more important than humans

D) backing fascism rather than those fighting against it. 

A) has been something I've tiptoed around since I was a child, having to change my behavior to make these adults more comfortable rather than acknowledging my own discomfort. My stepmom and dad have a long history of this... and I have a long history of backing down, accepting they are flawed and trying to find areas of agreement. 

B) Could be ignorance if I assign the best possible motives

C) Could be a poor choice of words without realizing the implications if I assign the best possible motives

D) Could be ignorance (like literally not understanding history or what's happening in the world) OR a survival strategy (going along to try to escape the suffering others are experiencing), OR trying to hold onto power at the expense of others.  

I think the difficulty is that A and B and D  (and C with a little added assumption) easily line up to D3. 

What's the counter to that?

My dad and stepmom have a long history of selfless acts. They were both social workers/educators or adjacent in their work. They donate to food shelves and good causes. They know and help out their neighbors. For many years they attended a black church.  They have mentored and supported lots of folks who were down and out.  All of this very much in the vein of The Blind Side (except my family doesn't have a lot of money -see social work). 

I spent many years arguing with them around politics, despite doing similar work in the world. Perhaps they are just hyper local, loyal to the immediate family and neighborhood. I have always said, in some ways they are more welcoming, sometimes more supporting and even more giving than my liberal side of the family. 

And yet, that giving or support is based on their interests, their investments, what they get out of it. EG my dad showed up to the sports games, and brought me to plays and stuff, but only when it didn't interfere with his stuff -which early on was a major issue with my stepmom, because her stuff became his stuff and suddenly, he was late to pick us up, and early to drop us off, or didn't show up at all. 

My dad puts his lawn mowing business ahead of time spent with others... telling himself it's because of the need for money or whatever but then spending less quality time around the people he is spending that money on. Even getting resentful of time spent with others because it is interfering with his business. 

My stepmom (and dad) are literally doing day care for my stepsister all week. 2 little kiddos, and they create a good space for them. But at the same time, is this why she is so ignorant to what's happening outside of her home and neighborhood? Are the protestors scary because she has become isolated and agoraphobic ... meanwhile her daughter's students and their families (stepsister is a teacher) are hiding in their homes afraid that if they leave, their entire lives will be completely upended, that they may never see a loved one again, that they may be tortured or killed. 

The reason the whole convo started is that my stepsister had asked if we could support one of her students' family's businesses, and my stepmom was complaining (after she left) that she didn't like that type of food (hence me naming the impacts on businesses in the area).  

The problem with this is that they have a history of underhanded comments against people of color, poor folks, liberals etc... supporting Republicans and Trump, supporting policies that undercut the communities they claim to care about, even their own jobs. For example, the school-business partnership that my stepmom was so proud of working for to support students who had disabilities join the workforce, was or is being cut my trump/republicans, those students and their families are losing benefits, the special ed and at-risk youth my dad served are also being depleted of their resources... Meaning, literally if they were still in the workforce, they'd have lost their jobs. Not to mention all the other horrible things... but I mean to point out that even when it directly hurt them and the people they claimed to serve/care about, they didn't see it/or chose to vote against their own interests. 

You'd think that two people with health issues who are in retirement or semiretirement would pay more attention to things like medicare, but I guess even when their own skin is in the game, they acquiesce to the man? ?? I dunno. 

I find my dad to be really difficult to pin down. Sometimes I know him to be a really warm and giving person, willing to problem solve and work things out. Other times, manipulative, sneaky, dishonest, distant, standoffish, cold, bitter... Sometimes I think he is performing the good guy role/the peacemaker, and then resents everyone for it. 

I see so much of that in myself. I think often that is why I find it so deeply offensive. Throughout this whole ordeal I keep recognizing my own hypocrisy and my own guilt. I also live in denial, choose my battles, manipulate, try to keep the peace, and then when things don't go my way, I have acted out, been disgruntled, mean, hurt people, put my needs and desires before theirs. I too choose who I serve, and don't show up for others... I justify it. I write off great swaths of humanity because it's too hard to hold everything. I see it. I am it. I hate it. 

I can recognize my own guilt even in this relationship conflict. I was hiding my values and beliefs to keep the peace and letting them do it too. I was choosing work and my values over quality time relating to my family. I was showing up for others in my community rather than showing up for 'my own.'

I can see all the ways that my hurt and anger impact the story I am telling myself... and yet, I am still angry and hurt. Still questioning... and maybe ultimately it isn't some grand political civil war (though it does feel possible we will be on opposite sides if it comes to that).,  maybe it is that our experiences and values fundamentally shift the way we operate in the world... and it hurts not just because they are different, but because the ways in which they are different are not complimentary, and not always compatible... they mean we will never have the relationship I desire. I won't be able to rebuild the trust fully. I won't be able to not walk on eggshells and avoid topics. There will always be distance between us, and I will have to limit my hopes, my seeking out, because there are actual limits to the capacity for our relationship.  And that sucks. 

And maybe that's what I need to accept. Maybe that is my childhood hope, and I need to stop responding the way I did when I was a child. No, I won't dumb down my feelings for you, if you want me around, expect that I will say some mean stuff because your actions are hurting me, and your lack of awareness means I can't get through any other way. Or maybe it means I'll have to be more distant, because your actions are hurting me, and I can't keep allowing that. 

As I have said before, that has never aligned with who I am... this whole let's fight it out, or lets distance... I broke up with E because I was starting to get mean and I don't want to be that person. 

I've made so many mistakes and lashed out so many times by trying to keep the peace, or trying to avoid the conflict, or being pushed to a point where I hurt myself instead of saying something. I can't keep doing that same old thing. 

It feels like a point where I choose myself or choose relationship, and I haven't found a third option, but I am guessing it is somewhere in which there is less investment than I want... and I will just have to be sad about that. 

I feel like this whole thing is about humanity, and recognizing it... and in some ways I just took that to the most personal level. Rather than being about george floyd, or alex pretti, or trump... just making it about me. I deserve to get to be me, and be loved and supported anyway, and thats not always possible in some relationships. 

I think I want to go back to the personal responsibility thing though, I keep feeling so much guilt and regret about the ways I've acted on when I have tried to honor someone else instead of honoring me. I think this comes up with my dad because when I recognize all the years of hurt and pain, its so easy to say, yeah I did it because I loved him... but at what cost?  I am not saying my actions are because of him, I am saying I did horrible things that I've regretted most of my life because I lived out this pattern of hiding my anger... and it shaped me into a person like him. Someone who does stupid mean distrustful things because he hasn't been being honest in the first place. 

I don't want to be that anymore. I am just so sick of it... I want to trust myself and who I am. 

I keep thinking of the last few days with M, and how I was this epitome of this yuck... I was so convinced that I could help her, and so convinced that she was being dishonest with me, and I felt taken advantage of, and I'd put in so much effort to try to be helpful*? I dunno... to be what she needed me to be... that I had just utterly lost myself... and I was angry and resentful and possessive and gross. 

With E, I knew I was starting to get resentful and angry... and I just couldn't do that anymore. 

But I don't know how to live a life in which I am generous, and honest, and also IN relationship...

maybe with the exception of with friends... but even then, not always. And my world is shrinking soooo much. 

I dunno... I guess I am just saying I don't know. 

I am tired and its 11:40. But I also want to write about AI and fascism and stuff... Maybe another time.

But  the reason I was thinking about it is because so many things have been hitting my feed lately that my pattern recognition or whatever that is, is just going off...

Its like, everything is lining up to be an entirely different world. And all the autistic folks I know have been screaming this for years... but these last few weeks I am like holy shit...

AI is replacing us now, not in the future, now. The government is systematically trying to dismantle all safety nets and safeguards: food standards, environmental protections, research that helps human beings, disease prevention, healthcare, education, on and on... the value of a human life is being erased in front of us... they are building concentration camps and deporting people, and arming a non military that is uneducated, untrained, brutal, masked, and unaccountable... this week they stripped Kansan trans folks of drivers licenses, they are threatening the elections and other voting rights... they are preparing for war but not telling anyone about it, overthrowing and extorting other governments, robbing the poor, reducing the standard of living and lying about all of it.   To say we are in fascism or a dictatorship is naming the look and feel of it, but underlying is this really super sinister thing.  They are erasing the value of humanity. Human rights? what human rights... Human life? what human life. 

Literally the folks behind some of these AI/detention center schemes want to lock up 1/3 to half the population... or kill them.... because they are unnecessary to their idea of what society will be. 

It will be the ultra-wealthy lording over a smaller group of serfs, and everything is heading in that direction simultaneously... with the exception of the community organizing that people are doing in protest... but they will burn us out, or lock us up... and then what? 

We all imagine the world keeps growing and getting better like it has for a few generations... but it wasn't long ago that the wealthy openly profited off swings in the economy that might put 15% of the population back into extreme poverty over a weekend. (still happens around the world). 

We have a hard time imagining in our lifetimes, a world in which the technology is even greater, but the majority are actually suffering not benefiting. We imagine a universal basic income... but why would they do that if it doesn't serve them? 

Why be a billionaire amongst billions, when being a billionaire amongst a million who are in your control is so much more satisfying to the ego. 

One of the ghouls of the admin, has literally said the US would be better with 100 million people not 320 million... deport, detain, death. In that extremely powerful monster's mind, 220 million people need their lives to be drastically changed for him to be satisfied. 

"they're trying to build a prison, for you and me to live in." SOAD

Seeing all this this week, I started considering leaving. Where would my money afford me an ok life elsewhere? Europe? South America? South East Asia?  

Is it cowardice to leave for a better life?  Or is that courage?  

In between times

 I find my quiet and in-between times are when I get angry again. Start rehearsing arguments in my head, start wondering why I am so triggered, what right I have to hold so tight to this one painful thing, and not let the hundreds of other examples that complicate it take prominence. Why do I fantasize about having a no contact boundary, to safe guard myself and to send a message… 

But when I listen to the hurt. I wonder why I have done so many things… not just for my dad, but for everyone. I love my job, but why do I do it? Why haven’t I run away again. Two separate break up, a pandemic, multiple fascist governments… why didn’t I run?  

Why am I committed to a country that is on the brink, their plans are well underway. And it’s more horrific than you can imagine… but possible. 

Why not live somewhere else? With healthcare? Or at least sunshine? 

I think of my mom, I think of my brother and step sister and their children, I think of my friends… but what are we doing anything for?

The sadness turns to despair so easily, that’s part of why I stay locked in the anger. What does it mean to have family members who are loving to your face, but undermine your life, vote and support people who work against them and you, and they are too …. They don’t even recognize it?

Is it stupidity? Is it their selfishness? Their fear? Their desire to be in group? Is it survival? 

I can hold space for clients who vote or believe that way… but my own family? 

Why should I have to deal with that?   That’s not love. Oh you voted for the person who cut funding to my job… I guess, it was an indirect attack? Oh, you voted for the person who sent masked goons to kill and disappear my neighbors, I guess it was indirect… oh you didn’t vote for him, but you won’t speak up, even though you know I’m spending my time and energy and money, making up the difference to the best of my abilities, but poor you, you’re afraid of protestors when other people are afraid their loved ones won’t be home at the end of the day. 

Cool cool cool. 

Just a wash then.  All equal. Both sides… 

A friend sent me a meme that basically said if you are sacrificing yourself to keep the peace that’s not love that’s a hostage situation… 

I dunno. I dunno what I am doing. I just know that even if I’m a hypocrite, I’m trying to be better… and I want those around me to be doing the same. 

But maybe my expectations of humanity are too high. We’ve done it before, we’re not special… end of an empire. In a lot of ways, the nazis basically learned it from us (and they acknowledged that)… maybe if the Japanese hadn’t attacked we would have been here sooner. 

meh

 All day today it was kind of hard to concentrate. I only ended up having 4 sessions, but three were really heavy and had to do with grief. I felt like I was managing well until the afternoon. 

I decided at some point in the day that I needed an additional therapy appointment for me, but then when my therapist couldn't fit me in this week. I decided I should probably talk to a friend. But I felt like all my friends would be too biased in my favor... and it was hard to reach out. So I considered calling into Walk-in... then figured. You could just ask a friend and see how it goes. 

It went well... we chatted for an hour. I felt heard, and understood. 

She reminded me that I don't have to predict the future or think so far ahead. Its ok to be angry now, and decide what boundaries you need for now. No sweeping statements. You don't even need to say anything until you're ready. 

I keep having this stupid fear that they will want to punish me. I am not sure why. Maybe there is something about this parent child drama... I think it is time I have my own phone plan... you know. Maybe pay for my own AAA card. 

The family drama part is coming out... I am making decisions around choosing myself, rather than giving in to the manipulation or sacrificing myself for the relationship. But I don't know where that line is. 

Today I read this kind of scary substack post a therapist wrote about being super lonely. She said, I left my church community, my job, my husband...  all to pursue my own liberation etc. Choosing myself, over sacrificing myself or settling... and now I am lonely all the time, at work, after work, at home. She described going to work and holding space for others, then coming home and having no one to hold space for her...   There was so much of that that felt real.  What does it look like if you cut out family?  What does it look like if you don't show up for family events. What kind of relationship do you want with someone that you don't trust or respect?

I dunno. I feel like I don't know how to proceed still, but I'll trust my friend is right. Maybe you don't need to say or do anything... just be mad, if youre mad. Be sad if youre sad. 

Not sure who I should talk to

I asked for an extra appointment and my therapist can’t get me in.  I started writing to a friend, and decided not to. This is part of my issue eh. 

 Hope this is ok. I’m trying not to draw lines in my family… Got in a fight with my step mom last night, she was “both sides…” and “the protesters were breaking property- I was scared of them.” She seemed to imply Alex Pretti and Renee Good had basically caused their own deaths. My dad seemed to be more on her side. I walked out shaking with anger, and drove too fast across the cities, rather than say all the things I was thinking. 

I’m struggling to figure out 

what the right response is… I’ve been fighting this same fight over and over since I was a teenager almost every time I’ve apologized for saying something mean while not conceding anything, and we have gone on, trying to find common ground. This time I didn’t say anything, but I spent the night wondering if I ever wanted to talk to her or my dad again and if so, why…

This time feels so personal that it’s hard not to be furious. I’m shocked at the utter lack of empathy. 

But then the problem is that it reminds me of all the times my step mom (with my dad trailing behind her) put herself over us. Eg, since their affair broke up my family, and my dad snuck around for years breaking promises to us because he was looking out for her. 

Every other time we’ve had political arguments, I could at least point to their good qualities and say… well maybe we can agree on that… I knew this would happen in the current climate and have been avoiding this discussion as best I can. But now it’s out in the open. 

It feels like all my respect, and any trust I had, have basically evaporated. I feel like fundamentally I shouldn’t have to argue over the worth of another human being, or why I don’t want the government sending soldiers into my neighborhood, or why a hotel window doesn’t matter when another person may never see their loved one again… but I guess that’s where we are at.