Braindead weekend

After a week of journaling and thinking about all my woes... this weekend was pretty dead. 

It was super hot and humid out. I basically stayed inside on my phone all weekend. 

Saturday took my mom out to lunch, and went to dinner with a friend. 

Today I got a massage and groceries. 

Cleaned a bit and did laundry, dishes, ran a few errands.

But didn't really exercise, didn't read much, didn't do any creative projects, none of that has really been appealing lately. 

It's almost 8pm.

The song "Waiting" is in my head. 

That feels right. This weekend felt like a waiting period. Not sure what for... I spent part of today laying in bed before nap, reminding myself that I can't think through my problems or develop perfect plans... to solve anything would require getting up, getting out, and trying new things.

I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do. None of my standards (coffee shops, movies, etc.) I thought about the lists of places I want to check out... but the heat (upper 90s and humid) felt so unbearable even in the walk from the car to the grocery store, that it didn't seem very appealing to be out there... didn't feel like socializing with strangers... really wanting the familiarity of the kind of love you don't question. Companionship.

Last week felt like everyone who was doing good was suddenly doing bad, or vice versa, or just more extreme?  Folks felt off. Makes me not want to invest in anything, can't trust the energy you know?

I leave for New York in about 13 days. See a few friends before then. Have therapy once... though I have nothing to say. Maybe part of me thinks therapy is a joke. 

One of the social media things I was looking at said, meeting people is really hard and when you go with the intention of meeting it makes it even more difficult, awkward, nervous, disappointment etc... nothing living up to your expectations -more essential is to develop a passion, be passionate about something so intensely that you attract the people who are interested.  

One of the difficulties of being a therapist is that you practice holding space for others and toning down your own shit.  

Its kind of a funny thing. I spend all this time trying to be more polite, nice, less needy, less greedy, and yet... that just shaves off any personality. When you make pasta you want the kind that grips the sauce - you do that by creating more edges, curves, spaces, pockets... when you want crispy potatoes, you rough up the edges a little so the oil can get in.   

Am I working against my own purposes? 

But all that to say, I don't really have any of those passions these days.  Spending way too much time online that's for sure. I got a little report that I was averaging 6 hours a day on my phone, so add in computer time and I could have another job or a whole ass family. 

I haven't really felt like making art. Writing is fun and I can get really into it, but it's hard to sustain. I am never gonna be a musician. I don't really want to organize with a political group... i like showing up for these visibility demonstrations - thats kind of my sweet spot right now. 

I think when I get back from New York I should start jumping on dating sites or meet ups or something. Need something to change you know?

When I got the massage today, I was thinking... I need to meet someone who is body based, intuitive, but also like open to spirit and what now. Its so nice to be attended to. 

I think I will probably start getting massages regularly again. At least once a month. Otherwise, I can literally go years without being touched. 

I know nothing will change if I don't leave the house... but I can tell I am waiting for someone to come pluck me up.

Tarot cards today, 9 of wands, 2 of wands, 4 of cups, 2 of swords, magician...

Most make sense... maybe not the magician. Maybe I'll get some crazy inspiration later and change the world.   The beginning of the day might have been a little more 2 of wands... the rest has definitely been 4 of cups boredom.  So stable. 

navel gazing

 

Today I am thinking of shame. Of shameful behaviors. Times when I placed my own needs over those of others, without consent, without negotiation, without knowledge or room for light. Some situations in which I have talked to the people, but mostly no. Things I sit with. Since I was young. Today I am thinking of apologies I want to give, but am afraid to. Today I am thinking of the ways I’ve avoided life because I didn’t see myself as worthy of another’s attention, or thought myself deficient, or settled for less than I deserved -like the truth, or presence, or shared responsibility, because I thought myself inherently flawed. Today I am sitting with these things, because yesterday I sat with an individual who felt the same way about themselves, and the day before, and later today, and tomorrow, and the next. Each day I sit with folks who think themselves unlovable, unworthy, and whose behavior shows this deep wound beneath, despite their attempts to hide, to avoid, to make the best of what they believe to be the worst situation. Today I sit with my own, because I fantasized I might run into one of those people who may not have done me right, but to whom I know I did wrong, and rather than focus on the pain they caused me, I criticize my own lack.  It would be nice to be redeemed.

I used to think that I needed Jesus for that. I thought that only if I live right, act right, pray right, I’d be worthy of heaven. But I taste heaven routinely… and still wonder if I deserve it. I know that Jesus was like me, angry at the misery of it all, and cried out that we know not what we do… and someone I get mad at him for dismissing our responsibility.  I used to think Jesus was the way, and so I tried to live my life in the light of day, good and honest and correct…and then when the sun didn’t shine, I found myself tempted. Still do. But if I am honest neither the day nor the night was entirely true. In the light of day I daydreamed about the urges, and in the night I pleaded for forgiveness more often than I sinned.

Today I was thinking about how this rigid belief system made it so difficult to relate, to understand, to have compassion for myself. How this belief system - didn’t teach what was healthy without judging what was “sin,” meaning it produced fear of asking for help, meant fear of asking for understanding, meant fears of being seen, for to be seen in your sin -meant condemnation to all but Jesus -and even he might look away in agony, not hold me close… and what could be worse?

Today I am trying to remind myself that shame is a momentary feeling, a collection of thoughts and stories, some of which may not even have been the truth. Maybe there was a different perspective, a different lens, maybe you took on the responsibility because someone else refused… let you feel guilty and ashamed, because you didn’t want to blame them. There are these reminders, these alternatives, this evidence gathering… and then there is also just acceptance. A part of me is capable of acting out in ways I dislike. I don’t need to condemn the whole of me because of that… I don’t need to make the assumption that my future is dictated by something I did as a child. I can just be… what will be of this moment? Will you appreciate it? Will you open the door?  And I can also recall and ask to feel the blessings, the heavenly. I can open the doors to that myself… I don’t need to wait, or be judged, I judge -whether I open those doors or not is my choice.

I can remind myself of all of history. Of the good and kind people, and those who were not so, and how history knows very little of the difference between them. That each person is a collection of all things, and that to reduce it to good and bad… isn’t really helpful. Those I am angry with, also do good things, love people, have positive contributions to this world. I think about the patriarchs scheming and murdering and wrestling their way into the Bible. I think about the Odyssey, 2700 years ago the people considered themselves good, bad, admired and blessed by the gods, cursed and forgotten. Their deeds, war, self sacrifice, rape, pillage, torture, defense of family and country… on and on. None of them better or worse than me… and yet my ego centric mind wants to make a distinction about how I am uniquely shameful and bad, or good with a touch of a wound.

Maybe I am getting too high and mighty, thinking I can judge the world and the people’s actions. Maybe the balance of assuming you know better, is that you must also wrestle your own trespasses. What is good? What is evil? What is just being human and doing the best you can?

How do we condemn things that harm us, without doing more harm?  How do we forgive ourselves for the harm we have caused by what he have done or left undone, without letting ourselves off the hooks.  I don’t want to fall into nihilism or cynicism, and yet I don’t want to condemn myself into not acting justly either.

 

 

 

I was supposed to have three clients today, 1 cancelled. 2 were self obsessing (like I do), and I saw myself in them. Sometimes that is the blessing and curse of this job. That you realize, wait, I am talking to a different version of me right now… I too have been this way. And it is easy to recognize then, oh hello “G-d in drag” as Ram Dass would put it. There is something so beautiful and crazy about the experience of seeing yourself in another. Sometimes it feels like connection, intimacy, miracle… other times like confusion, torment, fear.  

When I was fantasizing earlier about the person I wanted to apologize to, I kept thinking… I felt the anxiety that she experiences all the time, and responded by disbelieving her, controlling the situation, demanding grounding… and later felt awful for it, because she didn’t take responsibility for her own feelings/behavior, I doubled down on trying to do so. I had heard from her that she had experienced that pattern many times in her life. That she had become scared of her partners because they had become obsessive/controlling/ etc… and I felt that experience too. Afterwards, I had such pity for them, how they lost themselves, like I had… she had none. Maybe she wasn’t supposed to. I felt lied to, manipulated, betrayed and abandoned by her. She felt that way her whole life.

I sat with one client today wondering how I can get through to her that what she is focusing on right now is obsessive… and I kept remembering the times I felt like that, and couldn’t imagine that anything I said would matter. I simply pivoted to, after… you’ll need to take care of yourself so you’re not wiped out for days. She agreed.

I sat with a client who kept coming back to the idea that something was fundamentally wrong with him, maybe he’d be more successful, more capable, more able to be in relationships if that thing was fixed… I told him the thing can’t be fixed, that it would be better to focus on making progress and celebrating the things he feels good about, rather than focusing on some mysterious wound. I’ve felt that way a billion times, even today 1000? I could see in him this sadness though, this regret, what if I could be better? What if I hadn’t missed that opportunity, what if I had more capacity for love because that thing was fixed…

And all I was saying is, you wont get to better by focusing on the mysterious “bad.” Better is one step towards the goal… -do you want to be in relationship? Put yourself in relationship… do you want to work? Put yourself into work. Do you want sobriety? Focus on sobriety…  Instead we will focus on the mysterious “bad thing” and use it as an excuse for why we aren’t making the progress we want to. Do you actually want these things? Or are they just what you think you’re supposed to want?

I have been wondering about that with family… I want a family. I want closeness and connection. But do I want this family?  I always wanted to be a father. Wanted to help raise children… see them grow. But do I want to be a father?

Maybe I don’t know. Maybe I am lost in my world of living vicariously through everyone else.

On social media the other day, someone said their therapist had told them (of their anxiety), that the feeling they had where they did everything they were supposed to do but still didn’t feel satisfied, is because they were focusing on surviving life, rather than living it. Doing everything you are supposed to do to maintain, improve, keep it all together… but missing the sweetness of each of these things, because checking off a list is not life. Life is life.

I woke up late today (I wanted to be in my dreams) and beat myself up half the morning for wasting several hours of good daylight (because I didn’t have any morning appointments). Eventually I did some Spanish, walked to a restaurant for food, and got some work done… checking things off a list. But I had felt for so much of the morning like I had wasted life because there was valuable time and I wasn’t accomplishing anything.

I live my life by lists… trying so desperately to survive/be good in life, rather than just living life. Life is wild, it takes us in all sorts of directions, blesses us and curses us… and there isn’t a right way to live it. There isn’t something that I am supposed to be doing/ or have done… there is the now, and whether I am enjoying the sweetness of each moment, each mosquito bite, each watermelon slice, each overly humid and hot heavy itchy day, each relaxation of a muscle underneath the blanket, each hand held, each conversation.

I am soooo much more present in work than I am in life, and even then… uh I get so carried away with doing it right.

Oh well… this is my rant of the day. In my 42 years I’ve had this realization a dozen or a million times, taught it, forgot it, on and on. Life… sour, sweet, yucky, sexy, dull, rich… indulge in it all…

You are in this world, but not of it… as the Christians like to say. Kind of funky way of saying enjoy it while it lasts, but remind yourself of something bigger.

Tonight I am going to see Hamlet at a cidery... I think. An opportunity to indulge in life, will I enjoy it...

Two

It's around 2ish. 

I just realized I've been posting in the wrong blog for a week... oops.

I have two more appointments today that I will see from home. Next week looks like it will be a busy week. 

I'm a little thrown off right now because of the reposting thing... but I had been thinking about freedom. Freedom to be, without obligation, commitments sure, but not feeling required to stretch outside of my negotiated boundaries. 

I was thinking how nice it would be to be free of burdens and judgment I've put on myself. Like 'you don't deserve' or 'no one would like...' How that doesn't quite match up with my experiences, but I believe these old tapes anyway. How my sister's response was such a shocking revelation and demand of her own need, and not a request for relationship that feels mutual. Similarly how with my dad I am basically saying can you acknowledge that you're hurting me and take responsibility? and he is saying, "I dont agree, and can't." And therefore... I can't. Its a pretty easy equation right? 

But my whole life when faced with that equation, I've said stretch. I have a whole ass poem asking my heart to do so. Please try. 

I've been coaching others into setting boundaries, speaking up for themselves, etc... I had a client say today that she is bored and unmotivated because the world is harsh, and she has been self protecting so long that she trusts herself now... but does she know how to open up again?

I think this is the question I am settling. Can I trust myself to not stretch to accommodate others who won't stretch for me? If it's negotiated and agreed upon and given respectfully sure... but not out of obligation. 

I can't stretch anymore, and you won't either... so there will be distance between us.

In the mean time I will repair with myself. I'll try to be compassionate to the little kid inside myself who is sick of being an adult, and who didn't full trust that he could be a kid. I'll try to work with the teenager in me that wants the world to feel my pain, and I'll smile at him and reassure him that his anger has a place, but it doesn't need to hurt people. 

I'll try to grow into an adult who takes responsibility for his own feelings, needs, etc... and then asks for others to do the same. I'll learn to take risks, calculated, thoughtful, but genuine risks... so things don't get too stale. I'll keep being curious, and compassionate, and work on reducing my anger when it isn't serving me, but let it fuel me to create the changes I need or want. 

I can start to let go of my shame again... notice that nothing is promised, and that there is nothing achieved by slowing myself down with old bricks -when I don't even know what I am building. 

I'll day dream about building something again. 

I don't know what anything means. I don't have to be right. I just have to be true to myself... and invite others to do the same... and then accept that it hurts sometimes when we aren't compatible... in for a season. Then let go. 

Maybe it is time for me to move on? Maybe I need to travel the world again. 

Monday

 At 5 AM I was grateful, the light was peaking over, not quite sun rise. I said a prayer and went back to sleep.

At 6 AM I was aware of a blue sky and clouds, appreciation of opportunity, of a fresh new day. I said another prayer, went back to sleep.

At 6:30 AM  I considered that I might want to get up, since I kept waking in a positive mood. I turned over, and let my alarms do their thing.

At 6:45 I woke up from a dream in which I was engaged or married, I was amongst her family, there was some sort church component, something felt arranged, but it felt fulfilling. 

At 6:55 I woke up stil desirous of dreams and sleep. Not because I was tired, but because I wished to indulge. 

At 7 AM I woke up nervous, made a deal with myself. 

At 7:10 AM I was frustrated. 

At 7:30 AM I got out of bed, wondering why I'd let myself sleep in. I was already crabby. 

At 8 AM I was angry and defensive. I was trying to justify my actions, feeling like people were misjudging me. I was trying not to condemn myself. 

At 8:30 I was indulging in the hurt, in the belief that I'd been wronged.

by 9 am I was holding someone else's pain. 

This morning I was contemplating the consequences of my own actions.  Consequences such as isolation, loneliness, acting out. The repetition of a story in which I am the hero, or victim or villain. The repetition of the kind of story that happens in isolation -when there isn't communication or shared or negotiated understanding.

Trying to be good, to be impressive, has made me so dishonest. Protection of an image rather than what is real. How I have hurt myself and others sooo.

How ofte have I experienced things alone, my internal world, my world of dreams, of holding for others, of escaping and adventuring alone, of journaling... 

So separate, the place I am primarily is not in relationship    but

If I reached into the wound, the times in which I acted against others, and extracted that pain in the light   - would it change anything at all?

Or would I spent the next half a century trying to prove myself good again.

I wonder at what trying to be good has cost me? Is my anxiety just a symptom of trying to control the narrative? I can't be the best, I don't know how to show up honest, so I just avoid... or withdraw... so I don't have immediate consequences?   I responded to my step sister, I don't know how to be a good uncle... and could add, a good brother, a good son, a good lover, a good therapist, a good man. I don't know how. I try... or at least I think I am trying... it is not enough. I am judged sometimes for my actions, and sometimes for my inactions.  I have only the models I have seen, and read about, and I have struggled with them... sometimes because they don't align to my lived experience... other times because they insist nothing is  good.... and I want it to be good. And others want me to be good. But I can't be good. I can only be mixed, unclear, hypocrite wanting things to be better, but not knowing how to make them better.  

How can I love myself and others simultaneously?  How can I act with love, when I don't feel loved. 

My sister reaches out to say I am an idiot and throwing a temper tantrum, but she did not reach out to say "hey, it must be so hard... if you're not showing up, that must mean its really hard... how can I help?"

She tried once. Twice was too much. 

The consequences of my actions... are that I could so easily disappear and it would affect so few people. My current clients, sure. But that's just a role. My family... yes and now. A couple of friends. 

My friend reaches out to me from New York and says 'whats your address, I need to send you my keys." 

The keys and trust of someone's life... and I tell this story that I am all alone... its so mismatched. But the truth is also that I will be in New York with her cat, but basically alone for a week, filling my days with the things that make me come alive... and then going to bed without anyone but G-d and a blog to tell. 

Sunday alone

 I woke up fairly early. Missed E. Something about a weekend spent alone, going through my routines alone, preparing for the week alone. By 10 when church came on YouTube, I was ready to leave. Went to get groceries. The air quality is unhealthy again. It smelled like chemicals in the garage. It spelled like campfire at cub. Buying groceries for myself and it’s still over 100$.

I got home cut up a watermelon, a cucumber, a green pepper, a chicken.  Ate lunch and decided to go see a movie. Surrounded by people but feeling very alone. 

I liked the movie. Nolan’s version of the odyssey. It was entertaining throughout, but the thing I loved the most was the tie in to moral injury/ptsd - told through the god’s punishments, and the impending doom… whether it was of this world or otherworldly, it spoke of consequences for your actions external or internal. 

I cried. 

I left. I ate watermelon and did laundry. It’s about 6pm. 

I’ll make dinner. Maybe read. I’ll wake up to another week of this. Maybe seem hamlet on Wednesday. Maybe go to an open mic. Maybe see family. 

This morning, I wondered why I am doing any of this… what allegiance do I owe to this place and these routines, that sustain me but feel so lonely. Why not travel the world? Why not be more adventurous. And of course when I do those things I am also alone… but maybe seeing more than the same old places, the same people, the same tasks and thoughts… 

I dunno. I always leave in search of something new, to run from something old. I am very odyssean I guess. Maybe that’s why the movie felt real. Trying to be moral, but failing, trying to be a leader and take responsibility for others choices, trying to defy the gods, trying to find a home that you want to deserve, but aren’t sure you do. So you stay away with your lotus petals… wait for some rescue. 

Saturday

 My step sister called me out this morning. Mostly for not showing up. But also for not figuring things out… I corrected the story a bit, but agreed that I wasn’t doing a good job of showing up. I asked her to help with the brainstorming. How can I engage without it feeling like it hurts me, or causes additional burden for them.

I’d been wondering… am I just being self-righteous. Is it just a different version of the self righteousness that my rents have?  Not any different? But the more I’ve been thinking about it, no. I am not fighting for my comfort, or my ideals… I am fighting against things that are actually causing harm. And maybe they personally aren’t the ones causing the harm, but their attitude of neutrality, of “Hey I didn’t hold the gun against the back of their head” (I just didn’t say anything, and funded it… and maybe voted for it too). Their attitude of “its their own fault.” Their attitude of “both sides are in the wrong…” when again, were talking about a gross imbalance of power… We are talking about families being ripped apart, people in concentration camps, torture, violence, killing, intentional terror campaigns. Intentional retribution. You don’t need to be on the front lines to condemn the cruelty. Its easy enough to just not say “well… you shouldn’t cause disruption when you fight back against cruelty…” As in, its ok to fight back as long as your mouth is taped shut, your hands are tied behind your back, and you’re on your knees already. Sure… sure… neutral on a moving train. When they are actively harming my community, you can’t say you’re neutral. That’s as good as saying “I support you to your face, but I’ll never have your back.” Cool… well we know where we stand then.

When you watch a force attempt to dismantle the society you’ve helped build (undermining my country, my state, my city, my business, my community, my students and clients…), and the family you love -literally friends and family who are being hurt by this… and the future potential and opportunities of your own grandchildren… and none of that causes you to want to stand up.  All respect, all trust gone. When you double down, say you’re the victim despite the active harm being perpetrated on others… na… that’s just gross.

My sister called it a temper tantrum, pointed out there was no end game in this boundary setting. I said I tried to explain… they didn’t want to change. I am not gonna make myself miserable for people who don’t want to care. I am not gonna cry all week, while they pretend nothing has changed. Boundaries for myself… because I am not willing to be hurt when it doesn’t benefit me to stay in relationship. For now, I will have to love them from afar. I’ve been clear with my Dad. Maybe I need to be clear with the rest of the family… but I have also been trying to protect them from this. Tried to keep it between me and the rents… but maybe it isn’t. Automatically. I mean, I am mad that they would support people who are destroying the environment and the country. What world are you preparing for your grandkids? But even if you cant… why condemn those who are fighting back?

 

Wrestling

 Each time there is a family get together with my Dad's side of the family I am suddenly thrust into another round of wrestling internally. 

Its my nephews birthday tomorrow. 

What do I want to do?

Part of me wants to attend, to invest in family, to let the littles know I am around, to keep the peace. 

Part of me wants to avoid it entirely. 

Part of me wants to reach out to my step sis and say what gift can I buy, I can either stop by for 15 minutes or just send it. 

If I lived in a different city, or was on vacation, it wouldn't be a big deal. If I had something else going on, I could make excuses... but I live in St. Paul, and I have no life. 

Earlier this week, I was preparing myself to go. I thought: this will be the time that I show up, I am courteous, and then I leave. Do my part, while also acknowledging I am still unhappy.

Then on Monday another man was shot and killed by ICE, and I thought... fuck these people and anyone who doesn't condemn them fully. 

Throughout the week I have been varying between these positions. Do I stay or do I go kna mean...

I was hoping the "energy healer experience I was supposed to have today would settle it for me..." Help me to feel confident enough, grounded enough in my own experience and story to attend without fanfare. I was practicing it in my head this morning. This desire to say "I've been wronged, but I want to move past that." The appointment was supposed to be after work... I needed my car.

I went out to my car this morning and had the flattest tired I have ever had. Considered canceling on clients to attend to it, but every cancelation is the money I'd spend on tires... so -I walked quickly to work in the 80 degree heat of July... and made it a minute late for my first appointment. And cancelled my energy healing intake because there is no way to make it to the border of wisconsin without 4 tires. 

During the day of clients, I found myself considering and reconsidering tomorrow. I am nearly always doing this. But on one hand, I found myself wondering why I was avoiding? What would be so bad? a little discomfort, a little anxiety, no big deal. On the other hand, wondering how do I maintain boundaries for myself if I let other people violate them without even attempting repair. What does it say that they aren't reaching out?

With one client, I considered all the ways we hold ourselves back... talk ourselves into self harm, even feel righteous about it. With the next, how many missed opportunities, miscommunication without attempting to reconnect. With the next, the difficulty of being let down by parents who don't have the capacity to change. The push pull of wanting to be there for them, but wishing they had been able to be there for you...

Which story do I go with?

I found myself wondering if I need to start imagining my dad differently. Maybe imagining him more like my little brother, or E. As people who I adore, but who don't have the ability to work through certain challenges... almost like a disability. Maybe I need to see him that way. He could work through it, but not with his current level of resources and overwhelm. The very idea of thinking or feeling or acting differently is just too far outside of his scope or ability right now. Maybe he can intellectually get it, but he can't fully empathize or he would burn himself out. And so out of fear... out of self protection... he must choose this. 

I found myself thinking earlier in the week, what if my Dad is right? What if its just one thing and he can't be pushed and pulled and give up his center, to please others. Maybe he has a longer term understanding of history... maybe he believes in an arc in which injustice happens, but it gets corrected you just have to wait -almost zen or tao. 

I found myself wondering if I accept their version of reality, will it destroy my foundation? And do I need to take a stand for my version, my story. Maybe are competing narratives just can't coexist, and be definition mine will eventually take over, but in the meantime that Boomer generation can't give up their hold. Maybe he needs to be around with this particular story - so as to take care of his grandkids, or stay active... But I equally need to hold on to my narrative. In the end, I am right, he is wrong, and he will suffer the consequences of being wrong... diminished opportunities, kids that aren't as close as he'd hoped, reduced finances, isolation, indignity. He'll be subjected to the things I am fighting against... as natural consequences...

I came home after work... ran around trying to get AAA to do my car. AAA which he gifts me. I feel indebted to the gifts. Obligated by transaction. Doesn't feel good. 

I questioned my relationship with these folks... my step sister, in what way does she add to my life?  In what way is she invested in me?   My step mom?   My dad even?  

I don't know. I have a way I want to be in the world, and a way in which I can avoid... but I don't know how to hold strong while also engaging. It feels inauthentic, even more so than playing a role. SO I am still wrestling. 

Maybe my blown tire will give me an excuse. 

Maybe the lack of energy healing forces me to choose for myself rather than having someone else to point to. 

Maybe I am waiting for them to reach out in a way that isn't just guilting, but rather in a way of saying... I miss you and I've been thinking about what you said... and I am capable of change. 

Smoke signals danger signals hiding

  I remember when I was in Guatemala City being choked by the smog, the particulates in the air from the volcano... and feeling drained, unmotivated, brainfoggy. Last night I kind of felt that way as the smoke from the wildfires moved in. Felt like I was stuck on distraction, couldn't think clearly or be creative. 

This morning, I woke up to a similar funk. I slept just fine, but had already decided to work from home today... and its been a very slow drag of a morning. I woke up with sinus pressure and a headache. I woke up without an ounce of go-getter. I woke up thinking of the dream I'd had, in which I was realizing it was my last full day at work. My calendar for tomorrow was empty -except to clear out my office. And though I was sad, I also felt ready to move on. Excited even to start whatever was my next chapter. 

As the morning has developed... I've had three cups of coffee and an excedrin but my head still doesn't feel right. Starting to feel more energy maybe... but also kind of dire. I am thinking of my failures, of my freezes, of my not knowing how to move forward. I am thinking of the open mic tonight and how I am not sure I even want to go, because the air quality says "hazardous (AQI of 405)."  I sometimes feel weighed down by over 60.  I am thinking about Saturday which is my nephews birthday and how I don't want to deal with the relationship tensions with my parents. I am thinking about going to the energy healer tomorrow, and how the drive over there might deplete me more than the positives of being attended to. 

I am the type of mammal that hides deeper in the ground to conserve energy in the winter. That hides from the fire in a cave. That hoards and hibernates. And also the kind that wants to make changes in the world... and today I am definitely in the tails camp and not the heads...

Its pretty fascinating how this biological lack leads to difficult thoughts of worthiness, of existential crisis, of dread but also just letting go...  like whats the point?

But at the same time, I could answer that question with "Why not care or engage then..."   

conservation of energy...

My head hurts.  I am not sure if my first client will show up. I basically have like 5 appointments in a row, but the middle one I get to eat lunch, and I can kind of imagine others cancelling -because they may feel like they are in the same spot as me today. 

Its harsh. 

An hour or so later: 

After working for 30 minutes... life seems easier again. I wonder why I am holding myself back from opportunities.  Why avoid, why hide... 

Its so odd.

Summer

 We might be at that point in summer where it becomes kind of unbearable. No more afternoon strolls, enjoying the flowers, and the late light in evenings. 

The wild fires are making things orange.

The heat is so intense you can't stay outside long.

The smell of campfire, the sneezing, the irritated eyes, throat, skin.

And me wondering how I'll meet someone when I can't stand to be around anyone. 

And me heading home to get air conditioning.

And me dressed in a long sleeve.

And me with a mask.

And me feeling lonely when I don't have opportunities to connect.

I got away from work early to go do some writing, but the place I chose had too much traffic to concentrate, and too many weather changes were giving me a headache, and I drove home feeling like I'd missed out on all opportunities for the day and might as well crawl into bed. 

Its 7:20 pm. I could be writing... I made dinner and did the dishes. I could be reading.

But I am lonely, and fiening. 

Tomorrow I am hoping to go to the open mic, but I might also feel like I can't stand the air quality and run home. I was planning on going to protests over the weekend, but if I can't breathe... no. 

They say the fires could burn till snowfall. 

I have to sneak another post in from yesterday…

 It was a good weekend… my friend rescheduled today. I got all the things done but don’t feel creative so I’m not writing. Maybe start a new book.

Had some grief, some loneliness, ate too much. 

Don’t even know what to do with myself. I had a weird spread of tarot cards this morning that I couldn’t make sense of, seemed to go suggest waves… I guess that’s accurate, but not dramatic… just a moment here and a moment there. Like everything is moving forward, and everything is stuck.  That’s how it’s been. 

It’s still

Bright out and like 90+ degrees. I’m in bed. I’m gonna read and probably fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to get back to sleep. 

Five Watts 7/11/26 2:20ish pm

I just finished the second book inspired by Adler “The Courage to be Happy.”

This one is also written in a sort of socratic dialogue, which made it annoying. I used to be really into that stuff, but when it is written out -it always takes on the form of one idiot -easily manipulated and one wise teacher, and that just isn’t real. Or the idiot doesn’t seem to be an appropriated stand in for me as a reader. Consistently I found myself thinking that the character was making really stupid arguments and “won over” when the argument had not been convincing. Not a lot of specific situations discussed etc. 

That being said, the underlying philosophy was not entirely inconsistent with my beliefs. And also I felt myself challenged at times, which is good. But I am glad the book is over… even while I am already preparing to find another Adler inspired book that I am sure I have either read before or considered buying (The Art of Loving -Erich Fromm).

The most challenging part might be something that I’ve been wrestling with quite a bit lately. Premise: You’ll never grow up unless you love someone. Argument: loving is something you choose to do, not something you fall into.

-I’ll add some quotes from the books quick, but generally these things have been on my mind again as I wrestle with insecurity, anxiety and tension with my family.

P. 216

Philosopher: “self-reliance is not an economic issue or a work issue. It is an attitude towards life, an issue of lifestyle … At some point, the time will come when you resolve to love someone. That will be when you achieve separation from your childhood lifestyle and achieve true self-reliance. Because it is through loving others that we at last become adults.

Youth: “We become adults by loving?”

Philosopher: “Yes. Love is self-reliance. It is to become an adult. That is why love is difficult.”

So this is something I’ve been struggling with throughout my life. Generally I feel like I’ve become pretty self reliant in terms of finances, work to some extent, life style, meeting my material and logistical goals.  When I asked my father for help with moving last year I felt really hurt when he wasn’t able to show up at the time we’d discussed. A few weeks later he was able to, but it had felt like an instant in which I needed to depend on him and he hadn’t shown up.  But more so. I had been developing a friendship with my father in which I felt I could trust and work through difficult things.  I had ended up talking to both my parents about my love for E, all my attempts to make it work, and all my attempts to let go… because it wasn’t sustainable.  My parents loved me, and assured me they loved E and so it was comforting to have their support. And as the break up occurred… I suppose I also relied on that support more -since I didn’t have my partner of several years to confide in.

My parents have confided in me my whole life, so it felt like we were equals… but I realize with all the hurt/tension between my Dad and I now, that I was reentering this childhood thing -or maybe had never truly found the exit. 

P233

Philosopher: “You are standing now at the edge of the dance floor of life and just watching the dancing people. You are assuming that ‘there couldn’t be anyone who would dance with someone like me,’ while in your heart you are waiting impatiently for your destined one to reach their hand out to you. You are doing everything you can to endure and to protect yourself, so that you do not feel any more miserable than you do already and so that you do not begin to dislike yourself.

There is one thing that you should do. Take the hand of the person beside you, and try to do the best dance that you can possibly do in that moment. Your destiny will start from there.”

I resonate so strongly with this internally. Throughout all of my relationships from family to friends to coworkers to partners… I hold back. Sometimes it literally is the fairytale thing, some dream that happened 15 years ago and that I hold on to. Other times that weird feeling of chemistry. Attraction. Feeling needed. Or -As the authors suggest in another section, “you’re waiting for some kind of collateral.”

I think the thing that was so hard with E, is that I’d come to that conclusion beforehand, and tried to convey it to her. Tried to say I wanted a relationship in which both people were entering clear eyed, not putting one another on pedestal, entering into an agreement to support and rely on one another. To embrace the challenges together. That I was taking her hand, and that it felt risky, and that there were things she could do to show me that she was taking my hand… and she didn’t do them.  She showed me other ways… took my hand in other ways that changed me, inspired me, etc. But ultimately, I still felt insecure and over time felt taken advantage of. Not that she didn’t love me, but that she couldn’t trust me and I couldn’t trust her.

SO I  find myself back in that place of being a child. Of looking for what is destined* instead of who is next to me. I don’t find a whole lot of folks next to me, is part of it. But also, I keep wanting greater collateral than I’d had, because each time I invest I find myself shaken… have to start over, and so I desire more of a commitment.  

It also comes with this whole recognition and really stepping into the idea of being codependent/caretaker… like, I can’t keep stepping into the same role and expecting different results. I need a partner who shows up consistently, who problem solves with me, rather than waiting for me to figure things out. Who takes on their own difficulties and challenges, rather than making them mine to deal with. And I need to do that too… part of me doing that is saying I need to take responsibility for who I choose to love, because I chose all of these people (who I still love and adore), but who weren’t able to show up in our relationship in the way either of us needed.

The other night I was thinking about J and whether I’d made a mistake by ending our relationship while traveling. We’d had a great three months while traveling… but we were both in the middle of big transitions in our lives, and I had no idea whether our actual lives were compatible at all. It was the equivalent of 90 day fiancé but only during the honeymoon. That didn’t feel like enough to go on.  She went to gradschool after, so did I.

Lately I think about how easy it must have been for M to make the decision that I wasn’t enough. I was exiting grad school, fresh in a new career. Didn’t have my own place. Didn’t have many friends. Was perpetually insecure… and didn’t trust her or myself really.

Ewww.

In the book the philosopher says of the youth’s past relationships:

“But you hope was not to be happy, was it? It was simply the desire for things to be easier.” (p 235).   Is that my desire?  

Life was not easy with E or M… but it was so much easier than doing things on my own for the most part. Easy to play a role. Easy to think about someone else instead of my own feelings and set boundaries. Easy to make excuses as long as I had companionship. Easy to get stuck and not take the steps forward I needed to… because I could use their indecision or lack of communication as an excuse to not make my own choices.  With J, I made a choice to pursue my life… and it was probably the right one… even though I fell more in love after we broke up -both of us trying to make a life in the world again.

I still have no desire to move to Australia… and as far as I know she is happy with her dude.

But I guess what I am saying… is that I think Adler is right on this one. I think the reason I’ve been feeling so incredibly insecure, and struggling so much with the tension with my Dad, is that I am feeling like a child again, when I thought I was moving towards adulthood. I think I’ve fallen back into beliefs about things being fated, because I am afraid of making something happen or changing my routines.  I think that is why I am trying to step into discomfort and go out more, to give myself opportunities minimally each week -just to have the choice.   I notice that on the nights I am home alone… and have decided I am staying in. It’s like… oh you’ve given up on the possibility of making a new choice tonight. The Devil card in tarot… which is Capricorn energy…

But I think it will require more of me to step into adulthood.

 

Life:

I realized today that I fucked up with my taxes (again). I should have paid them last month, but I thought three months from April was July not June… I felt really stupid. But anyway. I paid a bunch of cash today. Likely everything will turn out ok. I think I am making enough money to keep the bills paid even if there are penalties or late fees. 

Yesterday I talked to insurance and got all of Jan -April squared up for 4 clients. That should be like 5k. One more to do but its Medicaid and they said to check online.

Reconfirmed with JS today that NYC is happening. I am starting to get excited and look stuff up. Maybe a couple days in Brooklyn and Queens, a day in the Bronx, a few days in Manhattan. I was trying to figure out if I should take a quick jaunt to New Jersey or way out on Long Island. Probably not necessary. I decided a future trip could be DC and Baltmore, or Philadelphia and something…. Maybe I’ll do the east coast a week at a time all  by my lonesome.

In the fall I am doing a training my therapist recommended. I am looking forward to it. She asked me if I wanted to join a group she is starting for men (focused on adult children). At first I was interested and as she started sharing more, I realized I wasn’t. I was kind of turned off by the session on the whole. It seemed like she was really excited about her new project, but wasn’t all that invested in my life -and neither was I… so kind of hard to keep the energy or focus. As it became more about her… I wondered why I was paying 180$ for this and why I would want to pay more in the future for a group in which I’d probably end up feeling like I need to jump into my role. Maybe they all would too… but meh.

The networking thing the other day kind of felt like that too. I know I was not in anyway like the specialist or expert… but I felt more knowledgeable and somewhat responsible for keeping up dialogue. Felt a little like performing rather than chilling. Felt like I had to be charming so as not to be awkward. The lady who presented seemed really interesting. V was there, and I was reminded that she does ExRP for OCD… and that she has dogs and is invested in them. Its funny… she seems charming too, but she doesn’t need to perform. The hosts of the event did the bare minimum after setting up. They passed out stuff for the quiz, they gave us a tour, but they didn’t necessarily facilitate… they let us be adults I guess.

I am so used to being a facilitator, jumping into the role. Its not that I dislike it… I like it, its just not fully truthful. I am uncomfortable so I jump to fill in the gaps.

The nice thing is that my reaching out to the consult got people checking in again. We might end up having some get togethers -seems like everyone wants it… SO even if the networking event was kind of a bust, a chance to connect with others for the future. Having a consult group 1-2 a month would probably help a lot.

Yesterday after feeling reasonably productive… I went for a walk in the 85 degree heat and felt like I was gonna pass out. Got some Cains, with the idea that I was gonna go to a 9pm movie, and then fell asleep at 7:45 -woke up a couple times to turn over, but didn’t really wake up till 11pmish. I was feeling like I missed out. Still kind of do.

Tonight R and I are going to a 1 hour performance by a poet I saw at the open mic a few weeks ago. I felt like it was something to do. Its about their coming to terms with their gender -for the most part. We will grab some dinner beforehand.

Part of me is a little disappointed I won’t make it to the movie this weekend. (Its at riverview at 9pm -so unless I am feeling daring… probably wont make it at all).

Tomorrow another friend for dinner?

Not sure… I should probably try a new church. -all the leaders I like left mine.

Other than that… most of my tasks for the weekend will be complete. Got an oil change. Paid taxes… maybe a little prep for next week.

I want to do some creative writing (which I might be procrastinating right now). But also wanted to finish reading this book… so maybe I’ll write a chapter today or tomorrow.

I am kind of hoping this performance tonight is inspiring.

Tarot keeps saying big changes are coming. Maybe it reinforces the magical thinking -divine timing – destined love… but I think the readers always say, it starts with a change you make.

What changes am I willing to make? How am I stepping into life?  DO I have the courage to be happy?

 

What to do

Its Tuesday. I am sitting in the conference room at work. There was a taco truck today that had been advertised, so I was hoping that people would make some time for it. But it appears I was the only one. The tacos were good. 

Two of my clients cancelled, including the one who was supposed to show up at 1pm, so I am waiting impatiently for my 3 pm online. Considering whether I should go home.

My tarot cards today suggested it could be a good day for something new. The Empress, the ace of cups, the lovers, judgment, the hierophant.  I guess I was hoping for some positive socializing... and now I am feeling a bit disappointed. 

There is still time I guess. But I am not really sure what to expect... how can anything be different if every opportunity for something new is not... taken? 

This morning while I was listening to videos online, I found out that I owe Ucare a bunch of money -had sent them a bill and they paid it, when it was supposed to go to Medica. So I guess I have to pay them back and resubmit it to Medica. Its the little things...

There is a networking event on Thursday I am planning on attending. Who knows... 

The weekend was mostly good. Went to a bunch of protests on the 4th (A funeral march, a big public art thing, a regular on the corner signs and waving). Walked the river a bit. Read a book (kind of boring), saw a friend. Talked to an ex via messenger.   It felt like a filling of the cup kind of weekend. 

Monday I got Chinese with my mom at Teahouse on University. The waitress was awkward and seemed to be flirty but also wasn't attentive in the ways you wanted. At one point we were waiting and she said something like "How did I not see you needed more water?"  And what were we supposed to say?

We mostly talked about physical health... and I complained about the same old things, Dad, politics, insurance companies. 

I was tired after a day of holding stuff for other people and not getting much sleep. 

This week is pretty light. 1 more today, 5 tomorrow, 4 thursday and maybe 4 on friday depending on if people reschedule. Close to 20 total -which is kind of my goal. 

I guess I should go call insurance companies... 

mental health

I've been feeling kind of stuck lately. Overwhelmed by my future... and overdwelling on my present.  Lists of things that need to be done... or else... nothing. Nothing is wrong. But I keep feeling like a failure, like I can't get ahead. 

I had therapy today and I shared that I feel like there is this tension in which I feel like I need a big change (and maybe one is coming) vs I am spending my days keeping up, doing my to do list, chipping away at little tasks, slow improvements... and trying not to judge myself because inevitably I often feel like I am falling behind or not doing enough.  When I look at those thoughts more objectively, I noticed that there is no real impact of falling behind or not completing my list... because I was the one who made the list and nothing is wrong. 

I gave the example of last night when I went to bed early, but didn't feel like I had accomplished everything. Woke up in the middle of the night, still didn't feel accomplished. Felt kind of sleepy and behind in the morning... but nothing was wrong, I just felt dissatisfied. 

I also gave the example of walking by the river last week and feeling like "if something doesn't change..." 

My therapist asked me what I hoped would change... I said relationships, family, direction, a feeling that I was working towards something not just keeping up. 

I shared about my experience at PRIDE, feeling grateful and in awe of the crowd, but also so averse to socializing. I shared how I was connecting with folks, but that I felt scared, awkward, etc... not trusting when it came to investing in groups or people.  And at the same time so lonely, and needy.

My therapist kind of asked me like... is this because of E?   Like is this just the continuation of the grief, having invested so much and assuming that was the future you were building, and then it not working out.  I think that is the story of all my relationships, but I agreed... its been harder since. 

But maybe it was already getting harder... why didn't I reconnect with my college friends after south america?  Why don't I go check out this monthly brunch SLP folks do?  Why don't I feel like I can connect, or sit with discomfort, or do anything without playing a role?

As we were chatting, I started to feel younger and younger.  There was some element of my fighting with my Dad right now. There were elements of grief with E. There was this overarching anxiety about not fitting in. I felt like I was 5 showing up to kindergarten or maybe younger showing up to preschool. Felt like little Mike is afraid that no one cares, no one will notice him, no one wants him unless he can do something for them, and it's so painful. It's painful internally. It's painful to watch others. (I gave examples of the social groups I saw forming at PRIDE, and feeling so averse to the awkward/cringe). 

But also from that place where little Mike is... the external doesn't feel dependable or safe. It feels like I have to compete. It feels like no one understands or cares. And like I can't trust that anyone will lead me through it. I have to perform, have to keep up, have to or its sooooo uncomfortable. 

And adult Mike is sick of performing... burnt out. Exhausted. I do it for work, that's a role. I don't really want to perform when I am out in the world...  but I don't know how not to. I feel like I am always so anxious. 

 

Part of what changed significantly after E and I broke up, is that I started to feel less legitimate again in the world.... no kids... no family... no partner.  Like a little kid again  or worse, like a threat to people. Single unhappy guy... that's not good. 

Anyway... as I was in therapy I was noticing these younger parts, this fear, etc... and I got really self conscious, and this teenager part of me arrived to call me out and judge me... I noticed it most strongly in this fear of being judged by my therapist... is she gonna think less of me?  Is she gonna think I am a bad therapist?  Am I a bad therapist?  What if I am doing it all wrong, and hurting people?   What if I am a hypocrite?   It felt like Holden Caulfield stuff, "you fake, you phony." 

It was hard to just sit with these parts... with the younger part that feels afraid that I am unlovable, not good enough.  And this older part that wants to judge (which I understand is protective)... I found myself wanting to intellectualize rather than just sit with or attend to these parts. Found myself wanting to give the play by play of what was happening internally, to fly above it and conduct. To regain the sense of control... of "I know what's going on, even if my eyes are watering."    And it was difficult because all of that is happening in front of someone. Someone I shouldn't be trying to impress but of course I am... 

That intellectualizing part was soooo hard to not let take over.  It made me kind of recognize that my 'adult self' might just be more of an intellectualizer that performs well.  My therapist noted that when I was younger I was contributing and taking on the anxiety/responsibility of my parents... and I noted I  still am... 

There are times when I feel like I am doing everything wrong...but getting praised for it. 

An example that has been uplifted lately is this idea of starting my own business. It's true, I started a practice this year. It's been successful so far, pays the bills. Slowly I am growing in my ability to take responsibility for it, to make decisions etc.  But it doesn't feel like something I am proud of... it feels like a continuation of this role that isn't really me, but is me trying to show everyone else I am capable. It kind of feels like I have conned everyone into believing I am good, when underneath, I am needy, confused... scared all the time, feel like I am treading water just fine... but not sure which direction in the ocean I am supposed to be going. Lost at sea you know?

There are plenty of times when I am not even sure I want to be a therapist. I love it... but I also feel like I am doing it to feel special/capable... and I am sick of the performance. Who am I outside of these roles? am I even a real person? 

At the end of the session, my intellectual side had to give feedback to my therapist "thank you for doing X in this session, that was helpful."   It had to summarize the take aways  "1) practice sitting with the discomfort, not jumping into a role, like with the high school brunch group... just allow my nervous system to realign. 2)Attend to little mike, his fears etc. Sit with, rather than avoid these feelings. 3) Notice this teen part that likes to judge, acknowledge it is trying to keep me safe. Ask what it is trying to keep me safe from? Go to the vulnerable stuff underneath..."   Had to summarize it so that I looked like a good student, who understands everything. Who is capable of crying and being vulnerable, and being fully present and aware at the same time. 

But I did feel more capable. 

I made lunch, did some paperwork, caught up with some insurance stuff. Felt like I had cleared my list as I walked to my office for the last 2 sessions of the day. There was hope and optimism, there was clarity in my goals for myself... a promise to take care of myself.  

And also some part of me wondering if now would be a good time to start medications... "hey, you have to sit with discomfort."  (Do I?) 

I had two sessions... they were mostly fine. Immediately after the sessions I felt anxious again. I had two new notes to do. I had not checked things off. I walked home reminding myself I had plenty of time tomorrow. It will only take 10 minutes tomorrow. That I had set it up so I would have time to journal and read tonight. That my only tasks were to make dinner, to read a little, to journal and to avoid being on my phone all night.

I was kind of shocked by how quick the anxiety set in again. It felt like OCD style anxiety, like I couldn't unlock being present because I had things hanging over me. I knew what I wanted to focus on, and I knew that I was capable of doing what I needed (I had felt free and capable just a few hours before)... but now I was screaming internally with anxiety again. 

I wanted to spend time with little Mike. Sit with all these unprocessed feelings.  But I felt like I was behind again. I felt anxious till I ate dinner an hour later. Then felt so full that I ended up taking a nap when I sat down to read around 7.   I woke up to the sun setting. 

There is an element of this that feels like when I am traveling alone. A list of things. Can't forget anything. Times and places, prices, options, decisions. Safety is on the line. Everything you need is on your person. Recognizing and being in control of everything because nothing is promised and you are on your own. 

Reinforced when I have traveled with other people and assumed they knew the way, and then you are lost and they are crabby and worried, and it would have been better if you'd paid attention and not trusted others. Now you have to manage their feelings, and your own. Now you have to get yourself out of a situation that you didn't know you needed to prepare for. Now you have to take charge.

So hyperindependent even when I am with others... have to take charge, have to be in the know, have to have control. Can't trust...

My last client of the day (this might have actually been where my anxiety started), had mentioned that his wife was coming off medications and really activated and that it was hard. She was reducing medication so that they could start a family, it wasn't going well.  (Sounds familiar eh?)

He also mentioned that his wife, when super anxious, asks him "So whats the plan?" which was a question that E used to feel triggered by. He mentioned that when she asks, it feels like he has to be in charge and fix things that he didn't know he was responsible for -like he was being judged AND depended on, and hes already feeling stretched thin.   I asked, would it be different if she asked you "whats the next step?"  And he said yes.    

 As I was walking home, full of my anxiety that I had to talk myself down from... I was also thinking about how controlling and judgy I am in relationships. How I can't accept what is, or  appreciate the person in front of me... how my desire to have a list and know everything, and have everything feel ok, causes the other person to not feel ok.  I walked home thinking Yes, there were things that E wasn't taking responsibility for... but I didn't make it any easier with all my controlling needs.

I dunno. I guess I just felt really sad for her, for me, for us. 

Maybe it doesn't help that the therapist brought up the miscarriage and my client was preparing/struggling in a similar situation...

-As I am writing this... feelings are coming up. Part of me wants to intellectualize them. 

I am really sad for myself when I write about wanting to travel with others, but feeling I have to take responsibility and can't be present, and can't trust. Maybe use the small emotion words.

I am really sad for myself with E, and the belief that I had something that was going to last, was preparing for it, but didn't feel supported/didn't feel soothed or secure enough... and so got even more controlling... made her feel like not enough. 

And also just sad, that we couldn't make it work. That I can't seem to make it work with anyone. 

And I am mad too. 

Mad that I feel so alone, and feel like it's my fault, but also feel like people who cared about me failed in doing their part. Mad that I know what I need to do differently, but don't feel capable of doing it... because I am exhausted from keeping myself and others up. Because I won't be soothed or affirmed in doing it... because there is a mismatch between what others see and what I experience, and I don't know how to communicate what is on the inside. 

I am scared that I won't change. That I will continue to feel like this. That I won't be able to make the changes, or ever feel secure. That I wont be able to share vulnerably and be heard, or understood. That it will reinforce the feelings of being not worthy, of being judged, or of feeling discarded.

I am kind of disgusted with these feelings, these fears, this vulnerability. Like... it makes me so weak. Makes me so pitiful, needy. gross. Its hard not to judge. Its easy to see why others would judge it. 

Shame again... 

These emotions/thoughts are temporary visitors... they can't harm me. They are here to offer information, they don't inherently mean anything about me... just recognition of unmet needs, that I can offer myself, and also ask for...  They wont last forever. 

I hope. 

End of June

 

Not sure if I'll leave the apartment today. Maybe go downstairs and do some work or writing. 

Not feeling particularly creative. Last night I was struggling because I was bored but didn't want to start a new tv series, or watch a movie, or read a new book. So I went to bed early and then woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep right away. 

So I woke up like midday today feeling like I'd already given up today.

Its now about 2pm. Cut up some watermelon and put some ribs in the oven... Maybe have dinner with a friend tonight. Its supposed to be in the 90s this week. 

Yesterday was interesting. I went to PRIDE at Powderhorn instead or loring. Lots of young folks, lots of gender fluid/trans folks. It was a beautiful celebration without all the corporations and 'legitimacy' of the establishment. I sat by myself for over an hour just staring at the crowd and grooving to music. I didn't need to buy anything from the small vendors, didn't want to interact with the non-profits. Saw a bunch of people I knew and didn't say hi. Didn't wave them over. 

Eventually met up with a friend who was meeting other friends there. I hung out in their group for an hour or so, but didn't particularly feel like getting to know them better. I felt a-social? while also being happy to be around people. Something odd about my introversion... I guess its getting so much more intense. Maybe it was because I wasn't necessarily attracted to any of them?   There were a few interesting folks who might have had similar interests or professions... but I also felt like people have become less intriguing to me. Something about having such intense understanding of folks due to therapy... maybe the recognition that I probably wouldn't connect with any of these folks again... it felt almost like meeting people at a hostel now. Like "Hi, oh yeah... not interested."  What is wrong with me? Why is it I can sit and pray and send good vibes to folks for over an hour... but have no desire to meet with them... And how is any of this gonna change?

I was contrasting this experience a little bit with getting to know folks in my office... there, its not like I want to become best friends with all of them, but I am more interested. Maybe the promise of seeing them again? or the perks of networking?  I look forward to interactions with a few of them. But I can't just have therapist friends, can I?

What do you do when you love and admire humanity, but don't really like people anymore?

I weigh this with the consideration of how I am not in any groups right now, and I know something is missing from my life... or maybe multiple things. Partnership, family, group community. 

You'd think being around a bunch of folks at PRIDE would give me a sense of connection, but really I felt old, not particularly included, not particularly invested in the things that THEY were doing. 

Maybe I am waiting for some extravert to pluck me up. Maybe I need a hit of some MDMA... as was suggested recently. 

I just found it interesting. I think I am definitely at the place where I want a partner to enjoy life with, but don't necessarily feel all that invested in group dynamics. It actually made me really uncomfortable to be around some of the groups I saw.  I saw at least two groups (other than the friends, of friends of friend).  One was clearly like a group that had formed on the internet and were meeting in person for the first time and were doing an activity together (scavenger hunt?). Another was a group that had at least 2 polycules, and the vying for position and attention made me really uncomfortable. Perhaps it was also just the recognition of sooooo much awkward neurodiversity energy. Like all the folks who were left out came together  (and I love that)... would want that for some folks I care about...  but I have no desire to be vying for position or attention. 

That was another element I noticed. I don't dress up anymore. I don't wear a freak flag... Im not huge on fashion as expression. I was rocking the same clothes I'd wear to work.  And just enjoying what others were expressing... dancing when I wanted to dance. Smiling when I wanted to smile. Weaving through the crowd feeling invisible... liking that I was invisible.    Sure... there are dreams of being plucked, but I didn't necessarily want attention, didn't want awkward social interaction, nervousness. 

Where does any of this leave me?    Part of me wants to judge myself, say there is something wrong. Another part admires that I have changed. That maybe I am less needy despite feeling needy in one area. I don't really need to impress anyone. Don't need to stand out. Don't need to lead a group. Don't need to be the center of attention.   I've been going to open mics and just enjoying others. I think about performing, and will at some point, but I am not entirely sure that it matters. I like seeing the repeated faces. I like witnessing. 

And then again, nothing has really changed. I've always weaved through crowds. I've always people watched when I didn't have a role. Nothing was different from 12 or 16 or 18 than yesterday... except that I would have felt like I should try to be part of something. Equally as lonely if I try, and when I don't?   Maybe I'm just more comfortable letting myself be myself. 

When my friend and her friends arrived, I found myself feeling more effeminate, often the case when I am around queer folks. My friend commented that I looked the most straight I have ever looked. And I agreed, so few extensions, so few edges, so plain. 

My tarot cards today were the Emperor and the Empress... and in some circles that means union of divine masc and fem in one body... or partnership.  I am not sure I will even leave the apartment. So maybe I am just accepting myself today.

 And I can't tell you, how many ways that I've sat and viewed my life today, but I can tell you, I don't think that I can find an easier way... So if I see you, walking hand and hand and hand with a three armed man. You know I'll understand. But you should have been in my shoes yesterday..."

Today I did some journaling over at the Loon Coffee Shop on the river and lake street. 

Then went for a walk along the river -or rather the streets on the cliffs above the river. 

It might have been the heat, or the low blood sugar, but I felt sooooo lonely and pitiful. 

Just like... why even try you know?  I think its hard sometimes when I finish out a week of seeing 25 people, listening to their stories, heartaches and excitation, numbness, and fear... and me dragging them along or prompting, or holding space, or cheer leading... and trying to be present for each and every one... and then walking away and wondering what the fuck I am gonna do with my life and not really being all that excited because I don't know where my life is going, and although I love my friends... not really feeling like they are the partners I want to share my life with in the quiet moments you know? 

So I sit at a coffee shop by myself. Then go for a walk by myself. Then eat dinner and see a movie by myself... and I can hear all the cheerleading I've done all week bouncing off my skull saying if you're lonely you need to try new things, or do stuff, or meet different people or take risks... and I think of all the places I've been in the world, the classes, the events, the hostels, the parkbenches, the pews, the groups, the parties and blah blah blah... and I am like... haven't I done shit? Haven't I met people? Haven't I tried?   What does it mean to try differently than the ways that already align so well with my life?

A friend asked me to go to this singles event where you clean out invasive plants out of the very parks I was walking by... and I considered it... but thats not really my jam. But neither is a singles event... so maybe? but then... no. I don't actually care about native or invasive species like my friend does. I care about people. 

I might go to PRIDE tomorrow at Powderhorn, maybe run into some folks there...

But anyway. I can't say that I didn't stop at the bridge and wonder at what point I'll take a swim. I mean... I left teaching in part because I knew it would lead to a lifetime of feeling isolated and burned out.  Now I find myself isolated again and maybe headed towards burnout. 

What am I doing this for?    

I ask G-d a lot... I don't get much response.    

I am not sure why I am on here complaining... maybe just trying to acknowledge that I feel sad and pitiful today. Its weird. Yesterday morning, this morning... did not feel pitiful. Felt really optimistic and grateful. Moods shift soooo easily.   

I think I am just recognizing I am ready for the next thing.  Part of this was sparked by getting tarot cards like the tower, and the devil, and the three of swords, and death... wondering what calamity is coming that will shift me into the next phase. Cuz I feel like I have been keeping it together by myself for awhile... and this hyper-independent shit is kind of played out. Just fumes... 

Its 9pm and I dont know what else to do but jump on social media and distract myself. I already saw a movie. I am not in the mood to read. I don't really have any games I want to play. I don't feel creative enough to write... 

meh. 9pm and I am ready for bed, but I drank so much caffeine today. I guess we shall see. 

Hopefully sat and sun go better. 

The weekend...

Saturday June 20^th

Loon Coffee shop 11AM-ish

 

I had my usual afternoon off yesterday, but went home. My friend had rescheduled dinner. The bank wasn’t open and I had no need to run errands or go do something other than my own initiative. So I didn’t. My plans slowly retreated as the afternoon went on. Scrolling led to a nap. I awoke to a summer storm around 7 pm that made me reconsider going out for dinner. I watched the news while baking stuff in the oven. I decided after dinner that I’d go downstairs and finish a book. I got some coffee that I later spilled everywhere.

I did finish the book, but not downstairs. There were too many distractions. Too many voices echoing annoyingly off the hallways. People were waiting on deliveries. People were getting in ubers. People were on the phone near the mailboxes. I went back upstairs and read on the couch, feeling somewhat sorry for myself.

The last few chapters of the book (Foundation and Empire) felt like ‘tell’ through dialogue. Like the author was sick of the book and wanted it to end so he could start on his next idea. A lot of the foundation books feel like that. Entire chapters feel like ‘tell’ chapters, and then others feel like show. I often feel like he was able to get away with more because it was written so long ago. For instance, in that last chapter it is really clear there are huge gender distinctions in some of the cultures, but it feels like it catches you off guard. Like he was suddenly like “oh yeah, and gender exists!” Race doesn’t  really.  The last part of that book is supposed to be a big reveal, but it felt anticlimactic -again, maybe it was… let me finish this so I can get to the next book -the second foundation!

After the book, I turned to the show, starting season 3. They are very different. Major themes of the show don’t match up at all with the books. For instance, the books really highlight how decay and decline are the major reasons for the change. Bureaucracy, stagnancy, complacence, etc. But in the show, the empire keeps improving, keeps trying and they seem to have few restraints. They don’t struggle with taxation and budgeting. They spend a fortune, then spend another fortune and we don’t see how that spending has led to them cutting back in other areas. They can’t keep up with the Foundation’s technology, but they keep improving and adapting to technology issues. And though the books do rely heavily on individual outliers that impact things, they also highlight that it was not one special individual but the inevitable outcome. Whereas the show highlights individual characteristics, heroes and antiheroes. In the books, the emperor keeps changing and new dynasties rise and fall. But in the show the stagnancy is solidified in the triumvirate cleonic dynasty (Clones of the same individual at three different ages), all puppeted by their behind-the-scenes governess. In the books, that governor character serves a term and leaves recognizing that his impacts might cause further stagnancy even if they bring about stability. So fundamentally different themes… but at the same time, the show is really good. It takes some of the characters and adds depth, adds charisma, makes them human and not just pawns entering and being dismissed easily in a book to discuss ideas.

I think if these books were written today, they’d be considered poor writing. But the show updates these ideas, these characters and brings them into the future that we project now. It can drag sometimes… and the multiple perspectives can get annoying (characters that are in different times and very different places), but it also adds depth and complexity to the galaxy they supposedly live in. There are all these little things that are added to make the planets and cultures seem interesting.  But its also funny how some of these little moments of chaos don’t seem to have big stakes because you know the character will be significant for a while. EG we know she isn’t really gonna drown. We know who will win this fight. And if a character dies, we know which ones will be brought back. -Its funny with science fiction epics that way -like the larger story dictates the relevance of little scenes, but without little action scenes it becomes all tell.

Game of Thrones threw that off by killing characters that you started to get attached to. Ned Start is beheaded, Daenerys’s brother is given a golden crown, her husband is killed, the Red Wedding, Joffrey… throughout the story heroes and villains are picked off. Keeps you on your toes.  In the Foundation book series, several important characters die, but it also feels like the passing of time kills them more often than something unexpected. In the show, Empire kills many people, but most of them feel like they were there for a plot point and then removed -and it is very effective, but not necessarily high stakes. Noble deaths. Or Pivotal deaths. Not pointless, random, chaotic, danger.

Makes me wonder what I will do in my books.

Many of my characters deaths are more to serve the plot points. Many are not even mentioned fully or explored fully. What does it mean to Lucy that her mom and dad die? That her brother almost dies? That she is in constant danger?  It means retreating into herself, into a pile of blankets, into myths.  Jaime dies, but it of natural causes. His death brings people together, and sends Erik forward. Maria dies as a device to show Jimena’s chaos. Esteban, Esfegione, the shell folks die to move the plot forward. Cutting losses/ starting wars, a crisis to escalate. 

But anyway…

Tomorrow is Father’s Day, and I woke up angry, feeling like I have nothing to offer to them. Feeling like I am still hurt and angry about it all. Playing out stories in my head of being wronged, when the truth is they didn’t do anything, except reveal what had been there -and what I had decided to avoid looking at for a long time. I wonder now what will happen to my relationships with them. For awhile it felt like the anger was subsiding, and then this week the FBI charged 15 minnesotans with crimes for standing up for their neighbors. These aren’t terrorists, even the ones who threatened violence, did no violence.

How many police were injured?  A question that was asked numerous times at the press conference and never answered. Zero.

How many violations of the law did la migra have?  Hundreds? Thousands?   Is it ok to resist unlawful actions that can have life changing impacts? Or does the authority get a free pass to break the law, violate and harm, at any cost. They will be really interesting court battles.

I am mad. I am mad because the people who dragged me to church don’t abide by the morals of the church. Because they won’t take responsibility, and continue to support people who are doing evil/harm to my community. That despite the obvious obvious obvious impacts, they remain silent, ‘both sides,’ even condemning folks for fighting back when those people fighting back are doing so at the costs of their lives and for the benefit of all.

I don’t want to play nice. I want to go to a protest. But cant seem to find any until next weekend.

SO instead today, I am writing… and then hanging with friends, maybe a walk or coffee with one, dinner with another.

Spanish. Maybe my shows. Some laundry.  Groceries tomorrow. More of the same.

A busy start of the week (I am overbooked on Monday).

There is a woman here who keeps looking like A to me. I don’t know why. She doesn’t actually look like her, but the style/fashion.

I am lonely. Don’t know how to create the life I want. Making attempts. Not sure what they will lead to.

My friend just cancelled on a walk, so now I am thinking I better get a river walk in before 2:30. How to use my time?  Maybe its time now, and then I stop home to switch laundry… less accomplished than I hoped to be today.

 

 

Sunday, Father's Day

I have this song stuck in my head, it feels fitting even though it's about alcohol, I feel like I am resonating with the poison aspect, the idea of knowing something is forever troubling, seeping through things, maligning them...

I woke up feeling that way yesterday and again today. On some level, my self-assurance feels right. I don't really want to celebrate my father today. The idea of focusing on myself and preparing for the week feels a lot more important and centering. But I keep falling into this desire to justify it. Today justify people questioning. Even though I everyone I talk to understands, I guess on some level I don't understand. I feel misaligned in setting boundaries for myself that feel good. I feel like I am doing something wrong.   

So I find myself arguing in my head on and off. Some of it is political justification -eg. how can you defend the actions of people who are hurting us? Some of it is emotional.  Like... why should I go celebrate when I don't feel safe with people?  Why should I give love and respect when I feel disrespected?   The arguments play out, resolve, then play out again. I remember doing this with past exes, wondering why I should make up for feelings of hurt, desperate to make things work with people who weren't desperate to make things work.  I find myself having that same question now, Jonah, how much does the whale miss you?   It comes up in the stories in my head, where my imaginary Dad is feeling disappointed or hurt and wants to know why I am not there... and does some soul searching and realizes he is wrong. Or my brothers and stepsister reach out, and I remind them that it's our dad who they should be trying to convince... rather than doing his work for him. 

 But why do I wake up so angry? What justifies my anger? I was starting to let it go... and then the government attacked us again... charges for another 15 people who didn't do anything but try to protect their neighbors. Who was harmed? Who is still being harmed? 

My shoulders are forward, I am stressed and angry. What does it accomplish?

Some part of me wondered if maybe I need to separate from the relationships I have with my parents, where they are close, because maybe that interferes with me having a romantic relationship?  I am not sure how. But the idea gave some meaning behind why this happens... but the reality is, it just happens. My parents are of a different generation, have a different perspective, have their own issues... and they are who they are... but how they respond to my pain impacts me... that just makes sense. 

My Father once told me, "you'll have to learn to forgive me."  As if I hadn't been trying... and my young mind could only come up with the solution of -downplay your own hurt so that you can keep the relationship.  I don't want to do that anymore. 

Yesterday wasn't the most accomplished day in the world...  but I went for a walk, I met up with two friends, reestablishing a friendship with one after years, and reconnecting with one who I see weekly. I watched my show. I did some laundry. 

Today I am doing a lot of chores/errands, and a little bit of work. I would love to say I made progress on my writing... but I mostly journaled... and that's ok. The next few weekends there will be protests. Maybe Tuesday an event at my apartment? Monday and Tuesday are really busy at work (like 7 things each day), so I don't really know. Maybe people will cancel but as of now I have 25 appointments on my calendar plus a meet and greet with another clinician. Thursday is the lightest day with only 3 so far. 

My bank isn't exactly hurting, but I'd like to make sure I can keep up, and maybe save up for these trips. NYC is already booked for August. Mexico city with my mom in March/April/Feb?  Not sure when. Lots of factors.

My Mom shared yesterday that she has some troubling symptoms and they are checking her out. So far all the scans/MRIs/blood work are coming back that she is in good shape, but they haven't found the why yet. Its scary to me. She says she has made peace with it. She is getting knee surgery mid July... will need some help. 

Her health issues also have me questioning my decisions... but again, its like... I've been very open about where I am at. And my Dad has been clear about where he is at. So... more like natural consequences right?  

How am I moving forward?   Investing a lot in work at the beginning of the week. Going to a few events. Trying to live out my values. Doing self care. Connecting with a friend or two a week. Investing in my hobbies.  

Miss having a partner.   Still wondering if I will ever have children.     Not sure how to feel about my faith or politics lately... but doing my best I guess.    

I noticed I am less invested in tarot videos than I used to be. The repeated messages often just dont feel meaningful.   But I know I am seeking something that cuts through it all. 

Maybe I am a selfish prick?   Maybe I need to be for a while, so that I can be more honest in my life and actually be a good partner, not just a caretaker?  That seems to be my drive to improve lately.