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 It’s been kind of a weird transition back. 

Yesterday I got in and took a bus/train combo home, lamenting the whole way that there were no people here (until cedar riverside). Even the U was dead on a Friday afternoon. It was hot/humid, and everyone must be out of town…? I dunno I felt sad. I ended up taking a nap and staying in after getting canes for dinner. I woke up and it was drizzling, and gray and kind of yuck. Grabbed checks, got groceries, put away my stuff from the trip. Went to the bank, went for a walk. 

At a coffee shop right now, probably go to a movie in an hour. My mood has slowly gotten better, but part of that has been fantasizing about leaving again… so is that better?  

I walked the river paths, and the green put me in a better mood. Still not a lot of people, and so quiet… but I considered all the things and prayed while walking, and ended up on a fantasy of leaving for two years or never coming back, spending all my grandmas money buying tickets for people to come join me on my last hurrah. 

At a certain point I wondered why it was so easy to feel optimistic about leaving my own life behind… and again realized I’m not happy here… I’m content most of the time, but as of right now, not happy. I have some friends but don’t always feel very connected to them.  Just different interests and circumstances? I dunno. Barely talking to half my family, and we are all so independent. No prospects for a family of my own or even a partner… no community and none promised. I’m not bought into anything except my own survival and independence and if it’s that, why not be independent elsewhere? 

But I do love this place. I do love the green. I do love the art and murals. I do love the people. I do love the STOP ice stop signs. Maybe I just need to find a new neighborhood or something. 

OR buy into something. As I told my friend, I know that if I moved to NYC I would still be me, and that doesn’t seem like it would necessarily bring about a positive change… and at the same time I looked at the powerball numbers and wondered - if I had a few million to spare would I move there? Yes! 

My fantasy included the goodbyes… all the people I’ve loved, all those I’ve wronged, all those I carry in my heart. It’s funny that the three women who loved me the most openly were the three I broke up with. I worried they had lost themselves. All are doing better now… I think. 

I felt like I as singing “where do I go” the whole walk. What is this life? I know that if I still feel this way in a year it’s time for a change. 

There is just too much beauty to spend so much time feeling meh. Not that things can always be a honeymoon, but I need more honeymoon in my life. 

Write?

Create?

Teach?

Travel?

Who can I love that will love me back?