The weekend...

Saturday June 20^th

Loon Coffee shop 11AM-ish

 

I had my usual afternoon off yesterday, but went home. My friend had rescheduled dinner. The bank wasn’t open and I had no need to run errands or go do something other than my own initiative. So I didn’t. My plans slowly retreated as the afternoon went on. Scrolling led to a nap. I awoke to a summer storm around 7 pm that made me reconsider going out for dinner. I watched the news while baking stuff in the oven. I decided after dinner that I’d go downstairs and finish a book. I got some coffee that I later spilled everywhere.

I did finish the book, but not downstairs. There were too many distractions. Too many voices echoing annoyingly off the hallways. People were waiting on deliveries. People were getting in ubers. People were on the phone near the mailboxes. I went back upstairs and read on the couch, feeling somewhat sorry for myself.

The last few chapters of the book (Foundation and Empire) felt like ‘tell’ through dialogue. Like the author was sick of the book and wanted it to end so he could start on his next idea. A lot of the foundation books feel like that. Entire chapters feel like ‘tell’ chapters, and then others feel like show. I often feel like he was able to get away with more because it was written so long ago. For instance, in that last chapter it is really clear there are huge gender distinctions in some of the cultures, but it feels like it catches you off guard. Like he was suddenly like “oh yeah, and gender exists!” Race doesn’t  really.  The last part of that book is supposed to be a big reveal, but it felt anticlimactic -again, maybe it was… let me finish this so I can get to the next book -the second foundation!

After the book, I turned to the show, starting season 3. They are very different. Major themes of the show don’t match up at all with the books. For instance, the books really highlight how decay and decline are the major reasons for the change. Bureaucracy, stagnancy, complacence, etc. But in the show, the empire keeps improving, keeps trying and they seem to have few restraints. They don’t struggle with taxation and budgeting. They spend a fortune, then spend another fortune and we don’t see how that spending has led to them cutting back in other areas. They can’t keep up with the Foundation’s technology, but they keep improving and adapting to technology issues. And though the books do rely heavily on individual outliers that impact things, they also highlight that it was not one special individual but the inevitable outcome. Whereas the show highlights individual characteristics, heroes and antiheroes. In the books, the emperor keeps changing and new dynasties rise and fall. But in the show the stagnancy is solidified in the triumvirate cleonic dynasty (Clones of the same individual at three different ages), all puppeted by their behind-the-scenes governess. In the books, that governor character serves a term and leaves recognizing that his impacts might cause further stagnancy even if they bring about stability. So fundamentally different themes… but at the same time, the show is really good. It takes some of the characters and adds depth, adds charisma, makes them human and not just pawns entering and being dismissed easily in a book to discuss ideas.

I think if these books were written today, they’d be considered poor writing. But the show updates these ideas, these characters and brings them into the future that we project now. It can drag sometimes… and the multiple perspectives can get annoying (characters that are in different times and very different places), but it also adds depth and complexity to the galaxy they supposedly live in. There are all these little things that are added to make the planets and cultures seem interesting.  But its also funny how some of these little moments of chaos don’t seem to have big stakes because you know the character will be significant for a while. EG we know she isn’t really gonna drown. We know who will win this fight. And if a character dies, we know which ones will be brought back. -Its funny with science fiction epics that way -like the larger story dictates the relevance of little scenes, but without little action scenes it becomes all tell.

Game of Thrones threw that off by killing characters that you started to get attached to. Ned Start is beheaded, Daenerys’s brother is given a golden crown, her husband is killed, the Red Wedding, Joffrey… throughout the story heroes and villains are picked off. Keeps you on your toes.  In the Foundation book series, several important characters die, but it also feels like the passing of time kills them more often than something unexpected. In the show, Empire kills many people, but most of them feel like they were there for a plot point and then removed -and it is very effective, but not necessarily high stakes. Noble deaths. Or Pivotal deaths. Not pointless, random, chaotic, danger.

Makes me wonder what I will do in my books.

Many of my characters deaths are more to serve the plot points. Many are not even mentioned fully or explored fully. What does it mean to Lucy that her mom and dad die? That her brother almost dies? That she is in constant danger?  It means retreating into herself, into a pile of blankets, into myths.  Jaime dies, but it of natural causes. His death brings people together, and sends Erik forward. Maria dies as a device to show Jimena’s chaos. Esteban, Esfegione, the shell folks die to move the plot forward. Cutting losses/ starting wars, a crisis to escalate. 

But anyway…

Tomorrow is Father’s Day, and I woke up angry, feeling like I have nothing to offer to them. Feeling like I am still hurt and angry about it all. Playing out stories in my head of being wronged, when the truth is they didn’t do anything, except reveal what had been there -and what I had decided to avoid looking at for a long time. I wonder now what will happen to my relationships with them. For awhile it felt like the anger was subsiding, and then this week the FBI charged 15 minnesotans with crimes for standing up for their neighbors. These aren’t terrorists, even the ones who threatened violence, did no violence.

How many police were injured?  A question that was asked numerous times at the press conference and never answered. Zero.

How many violations of the law did la migra have?  Hundreds? Thousands?   Is it ok to resist unlawful actions that can have life changing impacts? Or does the authority get a free pass to break the law, violate and harm, at any cost. They will be really interesting court battles.

I am mad. I am mad because the people who dragged me to church don’t abide by the morals of the church. Because they won’t take responsibility, and continue to support people who are doing evil/harm to my community. That despite the obvious obvious obvious impacts, they remain silent, ‘both sides,’ even condemning folks for fighting back when those people fighting back are doing so at the costs of their lives and for the benefit of all.

I don’t want to play nice. I want to go to a protest. But cant seem to find any until next weekend.

SO instead today, I am writing… and then hanging with friends, maybe a walk or coffee with one, dinner with another.

Spanish. Maybe my shows. Some laundry.  Groceries tomorrow. More of the same.

A busy start of the week (I am overbooked on Monday).

There is a woman here who keeps looking like A to me. I don’t know why. She doesn’t actually look like her, but the style/fashion.

I am lonely. Don’t know how to create the life I want. Making attempts. Not sure what they will lead to.

My friend just cancelled on a walk, so now I am thinking I better get a river walk in before 2:30. How to use my time?  Maybe its time now, and then I stop home to switch laundry… less accomplished than I hoped to be today.

 

 

Sunday, Father's Day

I have this song stuck in my head, it feels fitting even though it's about alcohol, I feel like I am resonating with the poison aspect, the idea of knowing something is forever troubling, seeping through things, maligning them...

I woke up feeling that way yesterday and again today. On some level, my self-assurance feels right. I don't really want to celebrate my father today. The idea of focusing on myself and preparing for the week feels a lot more important and centering. But I keep falling into this desire to justify it. Today justify people questioning. Even though I everyone I talk to understands, I guess on some level I don't understand. I feel misaligned in setting boundaries for myself that feel good. I feel like I am doing something wrong.   

So I find myself arguing in my head on and off. Some of it is political justification -eg. how can you defend the actions of people who are hurting us? Some of it is emotional.  Like... why should I go celebrate when I don't feel safe with people?  Why should I give love and respect when I feel disrespected?   The arguments play out, resolve, then play out again. I remember doing this with past exes, wondering why I should make up for feelings of hurt, desperate to make things work with people who weren't desperate to make things work.  I find myself having that same question now, Jonah, how much does the whale miss you?   It comes up in the stories in my head, where my imaginary Dad is feeling disappointed or hurt and wants to know why I am not there... and does some soul searching and realizes he is wrong. Or my brothers and stepsister reach out, and I remind them that it's our dad who they should be trying to convince... rather than doing his work for him. 

 But why do I wake up so angry? What justifies my anger? I was starting to let it go... and then the government attacked us again... charges for another 15 people who didn't do anything but try to protect their neighbors. Who was harmed? Who is still being harmed? 

My shoulders are forward, I am stressed and angry. What does it accomplish?

Some part of me wondered if maybe I need to separate from the relationships I have with my parents, where they are close, because maybe that interferes with me having a romantic relationship?  I am not sure how. But the idea gave some meaning behind why this happens... but the reality is, it just happens. My parents are of a different generation, have a different perspective, have their own issues... and they are who they are... but how they respond to my pain impacts me... that just makes sense. 

My Father once told me, "you'll have to learn to forgive me."  As if I hadn't been trying... and my young mind could only come up with the solution of -downplay your own hurt so that you can keep the relationship.  I don't want to do that anymore. 

Yesterday wasn't the most accomplished day in the world...  but I went for a walk, I met up with two friends, reestablishing a friendship with one after years, and reconnecting with one who I see weekly. I watched my show. I did some laundry. 

Today I am doing a lot of chores/errands, and a little bit of work. I would love to say I made progress on my writing... but I mostly journaled... and that's ok. The next few weekends there will be protests. Maybe Tuesday an event at my apartment? Monday and Tuesday are really busy at work (like 7 things each day), so I don't really know. Maybe people will cancel but as of now I have 25 appointments on my calendar plus a meet and greet with another clinician. Thursday is the lightest day with only 3 so far. 

My bank isn't exactly hurting, but I'd like to make sure I can keep up, and maybe save up for these trips. NYC is already booked for August. Mexico city with my mom in March/April/Feb?  Not sure when. Lots of factors.

My Mom shared yesterday that she has some troubling symptoms and they are checking her out. So far all the scans/MRIs/blood work are coming back that she is in good shape, but they haven't found the why yet. Its scary to me. She says she has made peace with it. She is getting knee surgery mid July... will need some help. 

Her health issues also have me questioning my decisions... but again, its like... I've been very open about where I am at. And my Dad has been clear about where he is at. So... more like natural consequences right?  

How am I moving forward?   Investing a lot in work at the beginning of the week. Going to a few events. Trying to live out my values. Doing self care. Connecting with a friend or two a week. Investing in my hobbies.  

Miss having a partner.   Still wondering if I will ever have children.     Not sure how to feel about my faith or politics lately... but doing my best I guess.    

I noticed I am less invested in tarot videos than I used to be. The repeated messages often just dont feel meaningful.   But I know I am seeking something that cuts through it all. 

Maybe I am a selfish prick?   Maybe I need to be for a while, so that I can be more honest in my life and actually be a good partner, not just a caretaker?  That seems to be my drive to improve lately. 

Saturdays alone

 

It is about 3:30pm. 

I considered waking up early but spent too much time on the internet last night.  So I woke up at about 9am, and decided to try to leave by 11.  For some reason my teeth hurt, like there was metal in my cereal or my coffee cup and my mouth felt awake and vibrating in an unnerving way. 

I made my way down to dogwood on University, past where I think M works... which always makes me think about her. I wanted to sit outside, because its in the low 70s and breezy and sunny... but the way the apartment building blocks the light, it was too cold. So I sat inside and it was too loud. I ate a brownie which wasn't very good, and drank my which was the best part of the morning. I guess is what I am saying. I read a few chapters of a science fiction book, I looked for people I thought might be attractive... lately I feel like I am seeing less and less people that I am drawn to. I am realizing how easy it is to be an old cranky bastard... and yet I am lonely. At some point, my friend texted to cancel on me. I texted another who didn't get back to me for a few hours (and we both concluded we'd probably not be going out again after running errands).  

I walked home and University felt quiet. I decided it would be good to get groceries and go to costco today instead of tomorrow -when I am planning on going to a protest. 

Costco was packed. 

For some reason, even though I went to a different one, Costco always reminds me of E. Its the brands, and our repeated orders and everything. This used to happen everytime I went to the grocery store too, since I was the one who did most of our shopping and cooking. But now, it happens less at the grocery store.  Its a weird feeling... Its super nostalgic, and in the parking lot I realized how much I missed that part of my life. It would be mean to ask her to come back into my life now that she is headed forward... but I miss her a lot lately. 

After spending too much at Costco, I decided to get Leeann Chin, and go to the grocery store where I also spent too much. I had been running out of candy, and decided to go over board. 

I have enough beverages for at least 2-3 weeks, and probably enough candy for at least a month. 

I got back... there were no carts in the package room, so now my back hurts.

I am planning on reading outside... maybe watching tv later and drinking a thc drink. 

Weekends are starting to feel like a drag... on the plus side, the lady in the office of the apartment said we are gonna have a bulletin board soon, so I am thinking book club, art club, and game night or something... I don't really want to organize everything, but I do want more events. 

I know there are plenty of people I could reach out to... but I am feeling a little sadsack. 

This whole not having a crush/not having someone I'm drawn to thing is a little irritating. Its weird to spend a day or two, a week or two, a year or two...

Not sure whats next you know?

Meh

3PMish:   Quick complaints.

I bought this qi machine online, the first one didn’t work so they sent me another. I just unboxed it. Doesn’t work. 

These two giant devices totally useless. I’m like, am I doing something wrong? Why isn’t it working?

I have a slight headache. It’s making me not want to do the thing I was gonna do today - which is writing my book. I basically didn’t do much writing this weekend even though I’d planned to. 

Last night I hung with a friend, we got icecream. I started watching the last season of the boys since I have Amazon for another few days. 

Yesterday I went to the st Anthony park art festival, nothing spectacular but it was nice to get out and about and see the larger neighborhood. 

In a half hour or so I’m gonna go to a break work workshop for the second time. We shall see, hopefully my headache clears up. 

It was a really easy week last week. This week so far I think I have about 5 a day on average… so less easy. 

Finished the courage to be disliked. Need to do some reflecting on what I think of it… still have the courage to be happy and some foundation books to read. Then maybe the series a friend recommended. 

Life is pretty much great, but I have a slight headache and don’t feel creative so I’m making it a big deal I guess and being crabby. 

Oh well. Gonna rest and then go to the thing. 

**** later in the day.

I think the worst part of waking up to a really really nice dream is that you spend the rest of the day waiting for something to feel as good, or to have a conscious parallel. 

Today has not been that. Maybe its because I ate a lot of heavy food and even icecream last night... maybe my body is like "no." Or maybe because the sun isn't out and its gonna storm. Or maybe because I slept in till 11 (hence the dream).  Maybe if all my dreams had come true, I'd still be in a meh mood.

I went to the breathing thing. The previous time I had gotten a lot out of it. This time I felt dense. I felt like an anchor at the bottom of the ocean, and I wanted to move, I wanted to squirm away. 

Everyone else had a good experience, and rather than feeling connecting and empathetic, or social... I just wanted to leave. 

I walked home feeling more disappointed and I suppose, somewhat unloved. Everything is fine... and I don't feel fine. It's odd. I do think the coming storm has a lot to do with it... my mood has been getting increasingly worse throughout the day.  I don't really want to do anything. I have no brain. My mood is sour. I feel like if the love of my life walked in, I'd probably be like "hey raincheck?" 

I don't think I'll accomplish much tonight. And this week will be busy. Maybe there is a part of me just not feeling very optimistic about the week ahead?

I dunno... I have nothing real to complain about. Probably just the gray sky. 

play with it...

I woke up this morning fiening for love... or something adjacent. It's kind of catching me off guard. What's with this loneliness, and this feeling like I can't get what I want?

I also had this urgent feeling like I am running out of time... but I remember having that feeling many times in the past (like all of my 20s and parts of my 30s)... and I remember when I was actually in relationship, that there were moments in which I felt like we had infinite time, more than enough... like it had made up for all the times of being alone... and then in each of my relationships, I also had times (usually towards the end), in which I felt alone, felt I was wasting time, even within the relationship. Its vicious. 

I wrote down a series of questions that amounted to is it behavior? belief? time? space? 

Today during a lunch break I did some FIT around it... and came to the conclusion that right now I don't have enough low stakes social interaction... Like one of the things I realized, is that I don't really have any group or community right now. I was investing a bit in church, but lately I have not felt called to that space. I have been investing in protests, and single off events... but nothing consistent.  I knew this.. and yet, I didn't really realize I had ZERO.  With the exception of family... I basically have no social gatherings. So basically I came to the same conclusion I had already known but it was emphasized.  Low stakes social interaction... could I join a book club? an art club?  a board game club? a writing circle? Something regular, so regular that I lose my social anxiety, stop trying to impress, and just show up to be me, to care and be cared for... make friends. Feel like I am part of something. 

I used to have so many of those things... and each year I have less and less.

I had hoped that my office and apartment would give me more opportunities. My friend always says I am gonna meet someone in the elevator like a meetcute. 

One of the difficulties I have realized is that my apartment looks out across the street, rather than inwards towards the social gathering places like the inner court yard. There are people using the grills, the pool, the hot tub, the lounge chairs, but I don't see them, don't interact with them unless I randomly decide to go out of my way to go out there. 

Tonight I went down there to read. There were two groups of people using the grills, and a few others hanging out in random places. Most seemed like set social gatherings -like someone had specifically invited someone over for hamburgers kind of thing. I don't even know how to use the grills. There were also a couple of people in the gym, and a couple people playing pool. 

It made me recall that when I was younger I had groups

I sat outside for a while reading a book called "The Courage to be Disliked"   and then moved into the coffee/office space to read more. 

The book is a Socratic dialogue around Adlerian philosophy and therapy. The basic premise is that we can change our minds/personality/behavior etc. any time, but we don't because we believe we are benefitting from the current circumstances  (and to believe otherwise feels uncomfortable).

EG... Mike you should join the honors class, yeah but I am lazy. 

Or Mike you should run premarriage workshops, yeah but I have imposter syndrome... so I am not confident. 

Or Mike, you should put yourself out there and meet people more often, yeah, but what if I don't like them, feel used, or get rejected. 

These are all excuses, misguided beliefs that keep me stuck... but if I decided to do something else, that would be ok too... it just might feel uncomfortable to act differently to my beliefs of self...

There are all sorts of terms in the book, but the authors/theory, would say that basically the things that happened to you, or are happening to you are not real, only the meaning you make of them, which is your choice. 

I believe in some of this stuff. I even use it. It also feels too black and white. 

But it feels like a good agitation... Mike what limiting beliefs are you following that keep you from being/doing having the life you want to live? 

I think there is both a time/space/energy aspect that acts as a barrier, and a belief that is holding me back. There is a belief that I will be disappointed. That I will invest time and energy and love, and it won't work out...  because it hasn't in the past. There is a desire to find "the right fit" rather than making things work... because I feel like I tried to make things work in the past and it hurt me. 

With M and E specifically, I kept focusing on the positives and trying to make things work, when they weren't working. Now I find myself obsessively thinking about them, wanting a fix more than an actual relationship (this is just the last few days). I feel like I am fixating on stuff because I am not sure what steps I am willing to take to move forward. 

Even the ideas I said before, a board game place?  A book club? a writers circle? An art club?  Throw in a meditation group, or a spiritual place or whatever...  but when will I actually start going?

I guess I have started to attend open mics... but I don't talk to anyone there. Its a weird group of outcasts to be honest. Maybe those are my peeps?  

At work I see all the self limiting beliefs people have, and how they get in their own way. I see myself doing it too... and its boring. 

The rest of this week is very light. Only 2 appointments tomorrow, 3 Thursday, 3 Friday. I plan on doing some writing. Maybe I need to do some research around meet ups too. I dunno. 

meh

 It’s funny how I so frequently feel I’m running out of time but also just wasting my time on social media- like by 7 o’clock. I’ve already done all the things I wanted to do today and I was laying in bed wondering how will anything ever change ?  If I’m already in bed by seven and don’t give myself any time to try new things or go out or meet new people. But who was I planning to meet on Monday night that I hadn’t met in 1000 other places?