And I can't tell you, how many ways that I've sat and viewed my life today, but I can tell you, I don't think that I can find an easier way... So if I see you, walking hand and hand and hand with a three armed man. You know I'll understand. But you should have been in my shoes yesterday..."
Today I did some journaling over at the Loon Coffee Shop on the river and lake street.
Then went for a walk along the river -or rather the streets on the cliffs above the river.
It might have been the heat, or the low blood sugar, but I felt sooooo lonely and pitiful.
Just like... why even try you know? I think its hard sometimes when I finish out a week of seeing 25 people, listening to their stories, heartaches and excitation, numbness, and fear... and me dragging them along or prompting, or holding space, or cheer leading... and trying to be present for each and every one... and then walking away and wondering what the fuck I am gonna do with my life and not really being all that excited because I don't know where my life is going, and although I love my friends... not really feeling like they are the partners I want to share my life with in the quiet moments you know?
So I sit at a coffee shop by myself. Then go for a walk by myself. Then eat dinner and see a movie by myself... and I can hear all the cheerleading I've done all week bouncing off my skull saying if you're lonely you need to try new things, or do stuff, or meet different people or take risks... and I think of all the places I've been in the world, the classes, the events, the hostels, the parkbenches, the pews, the groups, the parties and blah blah blah... and I am like... haven't I done shit? Haven't I met people? Haven't I tried? What does it mean to try differently than the ways that already align so well with my life?
A friend asked me to go to this singles event where you clean out invasive plants out of the very parks I was walking by... and I considered it... but thats not really my jam. But neither is a singles event... so maybe? but then... no. I don't actually care about native or invasive species like my friend does. I care about people.
I might go to PRIDE tomorrow at Powderhorn, maybe run into some folks there...
But anyway. I can't say that I didn't stop at the bridge and wonder at what point I'll take a swim. I mean... I left teaching in part because I knew it would lead to a lifetime of feeling isolated and burned out. Now I find myself isolated again and maybe headed towards burnout.
What am I doing this for?
I ask G-d a lot... I don't get much response.
I am not sure why I am on here complaining... maybe just trying to acknowledge that I feel sad and pitiful today. Its weird. Yesterday morning, this morning... did not feel pitiful. Felt really optimistic and grateful. Moods shift soooo easily.
I think I am just recognizing I am ready for the next thing. Part of this was sparked by getting tarot cards like the tower, and the devil, and the three of swords, and death... wondering what calamity is coming that will shift me into the next phase. Cuz I feel like I have been keeping it together by myself for awhile... and this hyper-independent shit is kind of played out. Just fumes...
Its 9pm and I dont know what else to do but jump on social media and distract myself. I already saw a movie. I am not in the mood to read. I don't really have any games I want to play. I don't feel creative enough to write...
meh. 9pm and I am ready for bed, but I drank so much caffeine today. I guess we shall see.
Hopefully sat and sun go better.
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