I spent the last year in love. I spent the last year out of touch with myself, and certainly not writing. Well mostly it was love. Our relationship began almost two years ago. It slowly developed as a friendship, then sneaking around, and then a relationship that was at least somewhat public. If I look back at all the posts from 2018 nearly all of them are about her. All those redflags, all that trying to warn myself. I wanted it. It's my heartbreak to bear.
There were lots of nuances. There was a lot of pretending things were ok. There were a lot of wonderful times, and genuinely I thought we could learn and grow and figure things out. Daily, I pictured myself growing old with this woman, raising a family together. Then suddenly we were not a couple, and in the immediate, I knew it was the right decision... but the grieving has been so difficult that I often can't even remember why...
I am not currently talking to her. I have never had a great record with trying to maintain distance, and I don't really want to now. I want to reach out. But when the other person isn't interested, what can you do? She responds to my texts and emails, occasionally picks up the phone. But it is a one sided thing that leaves me spinning.
I've been spinning for this girl for two years. I am not sure why. I am not sure if it is a fated thing, an attachment thing, or simply just the first person who mutually showed interest. She is terrible at communicating. She doesn't know herself well enough to say what she wants, and then suddenly she is gone. Or maybe she was faking it so long, she didn't know what was what.
I loved her on a bunch of different levels. The real her. I still do. It's hard sometimes to remember to be angry or hurt. I just miss making dinner with her. I miss hearing about her world. It's hard to remember boundaries, its just that my best friend is gone. I guess, she never believed I loved her... or at least that is what she is telling herself. I think it would be too hard to acknowledge the truth and then leave without looking back.
How much of it was fake? It's kind of a weird question... on some level all relationships feel fake, a mutual agreement to believe. Well I believed. Even when I saw evidence to the contrary, and I got hurt for it, but I was in. I was hurt and angry, and frustrated, and loved her all the same, and her kids. I think even though I barely knew them, I still loved them. I have a big gooey heart.
It's a messy story, and I want cleaner lines. Hell, I want to talk it out with her and decide on a mutual narrative even if it that we weren't right for each other (which I still struggle to believe).
I have a lot to learn about love and relationships, and choosing partners.
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It's been about 6 weeks.
Break ups are strange in that you try to piece together some idea of what happened, what you need to change, what they need to change, what's the right level of blame... when ultimately, its more like two people met and got along for a while, and then they didn't.
Not much more than that. And I can ask myself why I am so attracted to people who are self oriented, but I think if we look at my pattern, it is easy to see that I like losing myself in others until I get hurt. And I wonder how much of that is driven by me saying "take this part of me, I am sick of holding it alone..." and maybe I don't know what real relationships are... because I am just trying to avoid my own stuff... or maybe I was trying to be healthy, until I couldn't.
I keep considering whether I need to meet someone new to move on.
It doesn't always happen that way. Sometimes the other person meets someone and its easier to let go. But I can't even facebook stalk her to know for sure. So many reasons to be wary... I roll my eyes at myself.
I have a hard time with the idea of meeting someone new. I am right back to where I was before the relationship. Lonely. Not the best self esteem. Soon to be unemployed for a bit. Trying to get involved in a few things so as not to be alone every night. But the idea of online dating... I want to sign up just to look at people... not because I am interested. I am not interested.
I am still hung up.
I need to start writing, reading and drawing again.
I am out of practice.
