I hate that roadblock style of sadness...
I think I have been avoiding it at almost all cost...
I don't want to, its just that I have responsibilities and I don't want to let everyone down... because I feel like I am.
I feel like I can't make things better for anyone right now... and the sort of immense weight of it all is starting to make me pull back in every direction... like not call people back, like not check it with those I should, like ignore and press on in directions that seem easy.

I don't know what to do with this sadness... I feel like all I have ever been good at is loving hurt people, but sometimes its too fresh, too scalding hot, too razor sharp.  I can't help but love, can't help but stare, can't help but desire things that really I can't make work...
I don't know how to make it easy for you, any of you... not with broken hearts, or poisoned minds or stabbed souls and vulnerable bodies.

I can't make light of it, I can't keep the tears from coming, I can't offer advice that actually soothes... I can't make any of it go away.

and I know how vulnerable it makes you to reach out. I am glad that you do... but I'm starting to feel empty too... who can I reach out to when everyone I care about or trust  is feeling broken?

This one is for you

This took  me a long time to figure out how to do... but this is actually my first attempt at recording it... and now I am afraid to try again in case I don't like it.

Falling (The Heart's Lament"     By Taff (with musical backing by John Frusciante)

This morning I had this beautiful dream. I awoke several times and it felt really easy to jump right back into the vividness and story.  Its not so much that the storyline was great... I don't remember much of that anyway... it was that I could feel the emotions of each character, their inner desires and so things melted together. No one was confused or hurt. They spread love to each other and comforted one another.
There was a couple, they were practically kids, but I felt I was one of them, and they were in love and everyone knew it was meant to be.
They were in awe of each other, but because they understood each other could explore that desire without worrying about judgments. Each gesture and phrase was welcome, was received with the best of intentions.

I woke up. I went to church still in a daze. I sang, I talked, I listened to the reading. I smiled at people.  But the moment it was over I wanted to leave, to finish my day.  I thought I was hungry, I had to return a book.
I went to borders, I went to leeaan chin I came home I went to bed. I wanted to experience their love again.

I wish I could crawl back into my dreams like I do my bed.

I dreamed again, but this time it wasn't happy. I understood the characters, their motivations weren't pure. They were struggling for power, for home, for personal comfort. They weren't received well so they took it without asking. They were thieves and criminals and I understood them, but I didn't like them. I could explain their actions, their constant battles to deceive and manipulate, but I couldn't love them, and they couldn't love either.

I wake. Its superbowl sunday, people are watching football.
I am hungry again but I don't want to eat. I have work to do but I don't want to do it. I have books to read but don't want to read. I wish I were satiated and not headachy

I wish I could crawl back into my dreams like I do my bed.

wow... weeks went by

I think its crazy how many things one can avoid just by ignoring them
I usually am huge on the news but there are some things that seem too big
I need to get some things fixed but I just don't do it
I need to pay some bills and do my taxes and change my tax status... but whatever
I need to listen to those cds... and do some writing, and  oh well

Its not that I am doing nothing... I am doing
just not necessarily the things that should be done
because its my own form of rebellion
much better than skipping meals or hurting people.