I cant get to sleep.
Its funny how intuition and sensitivity play such a big role in human relations. The slightest indiscretion throws us from our high horse, wakes us from our day dreams.

Now I am replaying every fight I ever had with anyone. The overwhelming rush of emotions, often displayed in anger. I have gotten fairly good at not showing my frustration, not lashing out. Cant say the same for everyone I love, but nor can I fully blame when certainly I have done my fair share of trying to kill the messenger.

Its funny, I have no idea what these fights were about, but if you can place yourself in the position, the feeling returns and makes everything seem awful. Seem like fight or flight, seem like cutting and clawing from the inside, disdain and contempt from the outside. Betrayal and jealousy, resentment all built up, mistrust and vulnerability, I hate to think this is the legacy of all relationships. I don't dream these things, I barely recall them most days.
But have you seen the eruption, have you felt the anger?
One is tempted to laugh if one wasn't so hurt. One is tempted to deflect, defend and retaliate but really one should walk.
For no one deserves to be treated that way... and thus I don't blame them for not calling, even if I rather wish they would.
for we all play one role or another... all claiming each time to be the forgotten or mistreated (lover).

I'm listening to the Ex-Lovers proclaim "the beauty of the world cannot be contained",
and though I often feel the same, lately my life seems quite plain.
I click through pictures, 360 posted by friends.
Its weird to see the facial expressions, clothing and hair styles, backgrounds, and in some honesty, and in some love, and in some adventure, and in some learning, and in some broadcast, and in some vanity, and in some compassion, but in all life of some sort... and lately mine seems so mundane.
Simple yet chosen that way.
I was getting ready to type to a friend on facebook that I only had reading and sleeping as options for the evening, but then I remembered I had turned down drinking and dancing. Had turned down possible excursions that might create bed buddies, or heart connections, turned down shallow bar conversation or laughing at jokes, turned down watching the expressions on beautiful people's faces. At least a night of camera filled activity.
Something to capture to that hard drive of memory.
To remind me I am, and sometimes act.
To remind me I am more than I seem,
to remind me I have lived and prospered and dreamed.
Connected and rested in exotic locales,
experienced God and drugs and sex and music all climatic.
shared in tears, cum, blood, vomit, piss and shit.
lived in the light and the dark, walked crawled and run, fought and screamed,
killed and created through all hours of day and night.
licked and sniffed every sanctuary human made or bred.
let my eyes and mind wander and conceive of any colorful, frightful or beautiful,
impossible or probable, end and means, to any degree, even when it chained and broke me, choked or gave to me, enabled or disabled me.
have my fingers not traced each and every, whether off limits or invited, texture soft and lovely, sticky, sweaty, hard and gravelly,
have I not bitten off more than I can chew and swallowed more than I could expend
Have I not relaxed in the arms of a loved or beloved one
have I not tasted each sweet?
gagged at every sour bitter tart and tangy
winced at each spice,
with a pinch from each vice
arms against too much hedonistic intent
yet still I rant with flare
discontent
comparing my life now
to what had once been there.

its not like... that

Sorry champs, I am not really updating this shit much anymore.
I dunno... I sort of wish I would stay off this compy.
but life goes in one day and out and into the next, not much to entertain, and though I would share stories... none of it is all that appropriate (school related) or its just not all that different...

but life is fairly good. Same old complaints and celebrations.

2 dentist bills to pay and my teeth still hurt.