It’s 2023 and I’m 39 years old.
I am living with E, we are beginning our second year together in this home in south Minneapolis.
I work at C—- and it’s mostly good. I enjoy my clients and I’m beginning to take on supervision of students in a few weeks. I recently went to a supervision training held by UMN social work department practicum staff and at the end they asked on the feedback paper if anyone was interested in being an adjunct. I checked yeah. A small likely unnoticed step.
I’m looking forward to the new challenge of taking on supervisees. I’ve been tempted to look them up, and there is nothing saying I shouldn’t… but also I don’t want to pry.
Boundaries are sometimes hard with clients, sometimes I feel like I need to be more of a coach or mentor, others times I feel like I need to self disclose more. Other times purely the old psychotherapist. Each client is their own relationship. Each brings out different parts of us. And likely it will be that way with supervision as well.
I’m not entirely sure of all my roles and responsibilities.
I am considering that my next professional step will be private practice. Or teaching. Or both. I am imagining this taking place next year, after my supervisees are done, and there is a summer lull, and have had time to set up the basics of a practice. Will it be with insurance? Or private pay? Will I do virtual sessions? How will I advertise and how long will it take to set the whole thing up?
Feels like a next step to ensure a somewhat stable future. Should provide a little more money and at least a bit of freedom. I like my employer, nothing bad to say about them, but I am receiving about 30% of the full amount of a session, and that’s kind of ridiculous.
Lately I’ve had packed weeks. 30+ clients on my schedule. My ideal is more like 20-25. 5 a day sounds like a good life, though I know a lot of people who see 8. Holding that many stories means I’m not doing as good of a job of being present.
My clients like me and I get good feedback. If I switched careers right now it would be a fascinating transition.
What is the future? I feel like part of me is thinking hobby farm and survival protocols and part of me is thinking middle class family plan, and part of me is thinking south east Asia (or some other adventure).
I haven’t thought much about teaching again, but I do miss it. I haven’t thought much about seriously writing again, but I miss that too. I miss going to coffee shops and getting lost in my own thoughts rather than other peoples worlds.
We have things we would like to spend money on: trip to Alaska, health and beauty, a new computer and games, or longer term babies, a house. These are all the pros, but there is also student loans and bills, and the inflation in daily life. There is our future health concerns.
I’ve gotten out of shape, never lost that winter weight. My back aches and I am headed to physical therapy in a few weeks. I’m hoping that it is short and instructive, but I am worried about a life time of pain and how that will impact everything else.
People are breaking bones (L) and having heart issues (G) and getting new places (B) and having babies (M). We’re all getting old and we’re all working through things.
Sometimes E and I struggle over things that I feel are pretty ridiculous. But underneath is shame and guilt and skills never learned. People encourage me to do for her, to reassure her with commitment, but it brings up my own trust issues.
I am not sure if my therapist is the right fit for me. I feel like she provides advice and smooths things over when I want to dwell and profess. I wonder if I do that to people too. Invalidate by believing they will get it.
Often times I “know” but haven’t been able to accept it. M used to ply me with that kind of plastic response, and in my head I’d be saying “yeah, I already know, but what I want is for you to see me.” But she didn’t.
Lately when I see a picture of her, I don’t have an emotional response, no big reactions, a lack of response… and it feels better and weird. It’s like emdr or something. I’m just like “oh” and then nothing. That was not true at PRIDE. I had a bigger reaction, but it was partially just HIDE!
I think I would like to travel next summer. At least a little bit. Don’t know what that means exactly, just that I have an itch.
We are going to see Barbie for the second time today. I guess we will see if it’s good the second time. Might be kind of cheesy after the initial social commentary. We might see Illy after.
I think part of me feels very free today. I walked to spyhouse in the 85 and rising temp, and it was sunny and exciting. It felt like there were still opportunities left in life. Less beholden and more choosing these things.
I was reading a book on selective mutism and it made me sad. How I wish I could share the possibilities and perspectives, how I wish it were easier to convince someone that their current circumstances are not the only path.
Things change. Or at least there is the possibility. Pray for the positive ones.
